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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 22 May 16 - 03:29 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 22 May 16 - 06:27 PM
Rapparee 22 May 16 - 10:07 PM
gnu 23 May 16 - 11:20 AM
Amos 23 May 16 - 07:40 PM
Rapparee 23 May 16 - 09:28 PM
Janie 23 May 16 - 10:18 PM
gnu 23 May 16 - 11:09 PM
Acme 24 May 16 - 12:00 AM
Janie 24 May 16 - 12:12 AM
Rapparee 24 May 16 - 09:48 AM
Amos 24 May 16 - 03:11 PM
Little Hawk 24 May 16 - 03:37 PM
Amos 24 May 16 - 04:47 PM
Donuel 24 May 16 - 05:16 PM
gnu 24 May 16 - 06:12 PM
Amos 24 May 16 - 06:25 PM
Rapparee 24 May 16 - 09:02 PM
Acme 24 May 16 - 10:58 PM
Little Hawk 25 May 16 - 10:25 AM
Rapparee 25 May 16 - 10:56 AM
gnu 25 May 16 - 01:58 PM
gnu 25 May 16 - 02:25 PM
Rapparee 25 May 16 - 10:25 PM
Little Hawk 26 May 16 - 01:08 AM
Janie 26 May 16 - 01:52 AM
Little Hawk 26 May 16 - 04:52 PM
Rapparee 26 May 16 - 10:00 PM
gnu 26 May 16 - 10:26 PM
Little Hawk 27 May 16 - 11:02 AM
Amos 27 May 16 - 03:39 PM
Rapparee 27 May 16 - 08:17 PM
Amos 28 May 16 - 01:42 AM
Rapparee 28 May 16 - 10:39 AM
Little Hawk 28 May 16 - 11:06 AM
Rapparee 28 May 16 - 10:30 PM
Little Hawk 28 May 16 - 10:59 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 29 May 16 - 10:08 AM
Acme 29 May 16 - 02:39 PM
Little Hawk 29 May 16 - 06:45 PM
gnu 29 May 16 - 07:47 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 29 May 16 - 07:55 PM
Amos 30 May 16 - 03:11 AM
Amos 30 May 16 - 11:23 AM
gnu 30 May 16 - 07:07 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 30 May 16 - 09:36 PM
Acme 31 May 16 - 11:45 PM
Amos 01 Jun 16 - 12:33 AM
Amos 01 Jun 16 - 01:38 PM
Amos 01 Jun 16 - 04:56 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 May 16 - 03:29 PM

Yessiree, out here we got us some voleboys. You oughta see 'em at the rodeo, riding the buckin' voles and team vole roping. Tougher than yer ordinary bull riding and more demanding than bulldoggin' a steer the real way -- with your teeth*!








*Invented by Bill Pickett: "He invented the technique of bulldogging, the skill of grabbing cattle by the horns and wrestling them to the ground. It was known among cattlemen that, with the help of a trained bulldog, a stray steer could be caught. Bill Pickett had seen this happen on many occasions. He also thought that if a bulldog could do this feat, so could he. Pickett practiced his stunt by riding hard, springing from his horse, and wrestling the steer to the ground. Pickett's method for bulldogging was biting a cow on the lip and then falling backwards. He also helped cowboys with bulldogging. This method eventually lost popularity as the sport morphed into the steer wrestling that is practiced in rodeos." (Wikipedia)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 May 16 - 06:27 PM

Rapparee, do not be overly distraught over missing that 54445 palindrome post. An even more auspicious number, 54545 is less than a hundred posts away. It's yours for the taking stealing unless Gluon has already claimed it by folding space-time and grabbing it last week. If so, we'll never know because, due to the new no-guests-in-BS policy, Gluon can no longer post. I suppose someone else could claim it in his name, like Columbus did for Ferdinand and Isabella, but that would open the door for proxy posts by less desirable and more flea-bitten imaginaries, so let's not go there.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 May 16 - 10:07 PM

You may not know it, but there is scientific evidence that Amos may be imaginary. For example, you never see Amos with Barack Obama or Donald Trump. Of course, the skeptics respond that you never see him with Superman or The Lone Ranger either.

I, personally, have met a construct that claims to be Amos, but I did not prick it to see if it would bleed or anything Shakespearean like that. It did seem well-built, as there were no gaps in its visible seams and I know of nothing that fell off but I will admit that I have no idea of what maintenance went into its preparation.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 23 May 16 - 11:20 AM

11:20 AM and I couldn't do the arithmetic or retain what I read. Man, I am loosin' it. Typos are a gateway, I guess. Apologies to all.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 May 16 - 07:40 PM

My pore haid is reelin'
From a superfluity of feelin'
And of emotion sympathetic deep inside
For Rapparee's heart is breaking
Cuz his plum number was taken
By a miscreant who took him for a ride.
'T was a boy he thought he knew
Whom the gals called Gnarly Gnu
Who take away his number late one eve.
And this feller, dark and gnomic
Took his figger palindromic
And left him in the dust, alone to grieve.

Yippeee kiyiiiiiii
Oh, yippeee kiyiiiii.

Left him in the dust, alone to grieve.

(Thudding guitar solo built around A minor)
(Fade out, cantering drumbeats sotto voce)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 May 16 - 09:28 PM

That's pretty good from an imaginary.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 23 May 16 - 10:18 PM

Whew! Gotta....catch.....m'breath......Got here as quick as I could - gasp - pant - pant - gasp - gulp - Know I been gone a long time and y'all prob'ly thought I'd turned my back on the family completely - well, for that matter, so did I - wanted to see the big city and get some real culture in my life, you know? Changed my name and how I did my hair, started brushin' my teeth and stopped droppin' my g's - gasp-cough - water for me and the mule please.

Anyways, I saw this crowd a'startin' to gather down near the Capitol grounds. Strolled down just to see what was happenin' - after changing into my prettiest low cut dress of course - never know where there might be a business opportunity, and Mom did a good job of teachin' never pass up a chance to make a buck - no pun intended - I don't suppose you could add just a wee drab of bourbon to that water, Rap? Not the mule's bucket of water, you idiot!

Where was I? Oh, yeh. Anyways - when I first heard Moab mentioned I thought maybe it was a revival sans the tent - thinkin' that and dressed as I was, you can understand I was a little hesitant to push on into the crowd - but there weren't no need. The voices started to get louder, and suddenly I realized they weren't talkin' 'bout no prophets wandering around Palestine, nor profits either, for that matter. Weren't talkin' about trouble in the Middle East, nor about arrangements for a tour bus to Moab, Utah.

No sir! They was talkin' about MOAB! And some was speculatin' that MOAB is responsible for the slow down in the economy. Now, others was sayin' no -no - and I didn't see no fist fights breakin' out nor can I say that I know a lynch mob is headed this way - but suddenly, I thought of Home. And dear Mom, and all my brothers and sisters out here in the hinterland - maybe in danger of lynchin', and maybe not - I just knew I had to ride out here as hard and fast as I could, sorta like Paul Revere and the Raiders, you know? To warn you that, geez, somethin' awful might happen! Well, probably not.

But anyways, did I say that already? Was a good excuse ride back here as hard and fast as a could to make a dramatic comeback.

How'd I do?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 23 May 16 - 11:09 PM

You had me at "prettiest low cut dress" but, then again, I am a horny beast. >;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 May 16 - 12:00 AM

MOM's philosophical about that "TECH" thread - the way she figgers it, the kids come home more often to visit when there is a threat that the house might be torn down.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 24 May 16 - 12:12 AM

Humph!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 May 16 - 09:48 AM

You are always welcome at Mom's house,
At Mom's house, at Mom's house,
Yes, you're always welcome at Mom's house,
And we hope you will stay.

A man came to Mom's house, to Mom's house, to Mom's house,
A man came to Mom's house to say we're goons.
So we asked him to come in and we hit him with a hammer
And we put him in the closet in our Mother's room.
CHORUS

A boy came to Mom's house, to Mom's house, to Mom's house,
A boy came to Mom's house to stop us all.
So we asked him to come in, and we shot him with a twenty-two
And stuck him down inside the basement wall.

CHORUS

A lady came to Mom's house, to Mom's house, to Mom's house
A lady came to find out why we wasn't in school.
So we asked her to come in and we fed her poisoned lemonade
And put her in the freezer where it's nice and cool.

You're always welcome at Mom's house,
At Mom's house,
At Mom's house.
Yes, you're always welcome at Mom's house,
And we know you will stay.



Learn it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 May 16 - 03:11 PM

I just love it when Rapp lets his dark side show by stealing from the very best. What an incorrigible rogue! Such powers of dalliance, such brilliant opportunistic malfeasance, such light-fingered legerdemainery. Really, we are blessed to have his dark shadow cutting off our light, don't you agree?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 24 May 16 - 03:37 PM

Oh, assuredly. But we'd be even more blessed if we could hang out with Shane on a regular basis, and observe his ongoing efforts to pick up girls, bum smokes, get free beer, and avoid work.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 May 16 - 04:47 PM

Oh, pshaw. Shane is a rank amateur compared to the deft skullduggery of the Booqueman. A flimflam imitation, a mere nursing mewling infant in lowlifery, who could not hold a candle to the towering accomplishments of our own resident plagiarist. Shane? Hmmfffft. It is, how you say, to laugh!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Donuel
Date: 24 May 16 - 05:16 PM

Rap take heart you can always have post number five of a kind.

PS the Supreme Court settled that parodies are not plagiarism.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 24 May 16 - 06:12 PM

My dandelions are starting to go to seed. An army of seeds leading the fight to feed the bees! Millions! George likes herbicides. George is pissed. Fuck George. Matter of fact, if I win the looto, I am building a fence so George can't "overspray" his glyphosate on my lawn.

DANDELIONS RULE! Feed the bees! Offer invalid for stupid people.

And, they are so pretty. Beautiful yellow flowers against the green. And you can eat them and make tea and wine and... why would anyone spray that cancer shit on them? Vanity? My lawn is better than your lawn? Well, my bees are better than no bees. YELLOW FOREVER!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 May 16 - 06:25 PM

Bravo, Donuel. I applaud your way of beeing!

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 May 16 - 09:02 PM

You're Always Welcome At Our House
Shel Silverstein

Well a man came to our house,
Our house, our house,
A man came to our house to sell some brooms.
So we asked him to come in
And we hit him with the hammer
And we hid him in the closet in my father's room.

But you're always welcome at our house
Any time of day
Yes, you're always welcome at our house
And we hope you will stay

Then a lady came to our house
Our house, our house,
A lady came to find out why I wasn't in school.
So we asked her to come in
And we gave her some poison lemonade
And hid her in the freezer where it's nice and cool.

But you're always welcome at our house
Any time of day
Yes, you're always welcome at our house
And we hope you will stay

Then a kid came into our yard
Our yard, our yard,
A kid came into our yard to get his ball.
So we asked him to come in
And we took him in the basement
And we sealed him up inside the basement wall.

But you're always welcome at our house
Any time of day
Yes, you're always welcome at our house
And we hope you will stay

So when you come to our house
Our house, our house,
When you come to our house we'll have some fun.
We'll ask you to come in
And we'll take you in the kitchen
And we'll put you in the oven until you're done.

But you're always welcome at our house
Any time of day
Yes, you're always welcome at our house
And we hope you will stay
And we know, you will stay.

                --on the artist's "Folk Songs" 1962.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 May 16 - 10:58 PM

Dandelions are delicious in salad.

It's humid out and the daytime temperatures are in the mid-80s, so MOM says it's time to hang the hammock on the porch. I finished mowing the back yard this evening, and then took the dogs for a walk. It's too humid this evening to hang out on MOM's porch.

Now I'm watching the May 24, 2016 episode of Frontline and wondering if I'll ever need to fight the insurance companies and the federal government over flood insurance payments (I live on a creek - this program talks about Hurricanes Katrina and Sandy).

A quiche is in the oven. I'll worry about that setting up now, and look into the insurance later.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 May 16 - 10:25 AM

I have succeeded in exterminating virtually every single dandelion on my lawn....and all the thistles too! And I did it without using those awful herbicides or chemicals. Yup. I did it all just by removing them with a handheld weeding tool designed for the purpose. If you get out there first thing every Spring and keep right at it, it's not that hard to eliminate dandelions and thistles, but if you give them a few years on their own, then yer f*cked!

On the other hand, I leave all the other "weeds" alone, so I not only have grass on my lawn, I also have all manner of interesting small wildflowers, plantain, clover, and other odd assorted stuff mixed in with the grass...just none of those ugly damned Triffid-like dandelions and no spikey thistles to hurt people's bare feet either.

Hear that, gnu? Yeah, I agree that dandelion flowers look lovely, but that only lasts for a couple of days, and then you're left with butt-ugly damned huge Triffid monster plants that choke out everything else and totally take over. Looks like hell after a few years.

So, bite me!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 May 16 - 10:56 AM

Why would he want to bite you, LH? Such violence would go against his very pacific nature as a Canadian. Even to suggest it opens to question your Canadianess. If you were an American (i.e., someone from the United States) violence and aggression would seem a normal part of your makeup, but not if you're a Canadian. Perhaps it's time for you to come out of the closet and admit that you are really an ex-pat citizen of the US who fled to Canada back in the '60s because you had a secret crush on William Shatner. Unlike being a die-hard Bob Dylan, fan that's nothing to be ashamed of. It's rather like having a secret crush on Ann Murray or Gale Garnett, only different, and you can admit to it these days -- you could even marry him if you'd like. So 'fess up and admit you were really born on the lower East Side of Detroit and grew up a street fightin' man, a switchblade in your hand.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 25 May 16 - 01:58 PM

So... George sees me leave after I got Mum back from her daily walk at the grocery. I waved. He waved. I went to the corner store for a pack of smokes. I got back about ten minutes later and who do I see trespassing on MY property armed with a rechargeable Whipper Snipper? Gwan, ya got three guesses and the first two don't count.

"I figured I should whipper-snip before I mow because if you try to mow something that high, it just makes a mess. If you can't mow you can always ask me and I'd be glad to do it." Not what he said two years ago when I offered to pay him to do it when my lawn mower broke down.

I said I had planned to mow it yesterday but my other chores got my back pretty bad so I intended to do it this evening. Alas and aslack, the thunderstorms have moved in as forecast. Oh woe is me. No mow fo' me. I'll bet the glorious yellow blossoms will be tenfold by tomorrow with the rain and warm temp today. And, wouldn't ya just know it... rain again tomorrow. Gee, a guy just can't get ahead.

Here's the kicker. He w-snipped and all those seeds got pummelled into the lawn by the driving rain... along with all the ones I picked yesterday eve and early morn today and spread in the bare spots from where the big-ass and small-ass shrubs were removed last fall.

"Looks like hell after a few years." Not to a bee and not to me.

Rap... ANN Murray? ANN? BLASPHEMY says I. As for Gale, well, she's a fellow British Commonwealther so yer allowed. Kiwi's are cool mate.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 25 May 16 - 02:25 PM

Oh yeah! I forgot. He tells my gas powered shipper is (paraphrasing) shite and his rechargeable is the best thing since sliced bread. Gotta get one he says! Says, "Here, lift it." and offered it. I took it but my arms were extended and my back said, "GIVE IT BACK!!!!" I said that mine was lighter. Well, he went on about the fact that there was no way any gas powered snipper was lighter for about thirty seconds and that's when I said "The Debaters are on CBC radio in a few minutes so I gotta go." and walked away. I could have opened my garage and handed him my Featherlite to prove he is so fulla shit his eyes are brown but, hey, his snipper is better, his snowblower is better, his lawnmower is better, his yard looks better... he himself is just better than everyone else.

By the way, his wife informed me two days ago that she is gonna come paint the bottom five feet of the light standard in front of my house because the fading paint "looks terrible" (the old guy use to get paint that "fell off the train" at CNR so he painted EVERYthing including stuff that should never be painted; the old guy used to keep beer in the garage... know what I mean?). I informed her that she could fill her boots because it was on city property so if she wanted to further degrade the concrete by painting it, it was up to her. I wanted to suggest she use a steel brush to remove the existing paint but, well, ya know when ya just gotta walk away before ya say what's really on your mind? She's the same one that offered to help me paint over that awful green paint I put on the lower half of my siding when I moved in to cover up the orange paint. Yeah, half Irish and half French gonna leave orange on my house... gotta be GREEN!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 May 16 - 10:25 PM

I'm sorry, it should have been AnnIE. Like in Little Orphan. I guess I was thinking of Ann of Green Gables. Or maybe Anna of Avonlea. Some Canadienne or other named that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 May 16 - 01:08 AM

People who have a crush on Anne Murray, secret or otherwise, are seriously in need of counseling! What I find her records good for is curing insomnia. In fact, they are about the only thing that seems to work, if one can avoid just putting an ax through the stereo.

Ah...the joys of a dandelion-free lawn! I love it. Don't worry, gnu, there are literally a few hundred thousand dandelions starting within mere feet of my yard, and thence extending through numerous properties all down the road...the bees will not run out of dandelion flowers on account of me!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 26 May 16 - 01:52 AM

Ha! Do you allow the equally sunny and invasive yellow disc blooms of assorted Hawkweeds to flourish in your lawn, LH?

Inquiring and otherwise idle minds want to know.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 May 16 - 04:52 PM

I allow every kind of weed to flourish there, Janie...except dandelions and thistles. Hawkweeds are welcome! Not sure I've seen any, though.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 May 16 - 10:00 PM

Officially, as of today, and I have the paperwork to prove it, I am allowed to drive withOUT corrective lenses. First time since about 1952 I haven't had to wear glasses. Yes, I'm getting another pair for reading and what-not, but I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR THEM IF I DON'T WANT TO, EVEN FOR DRIVING!!!!!!.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 26 May 16 - 10:26 PM

Great news, Rap. Good to hear.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 27 May 16 - 11:02 AM

Shane doesn't need glasses when he drives. He doesn't even need a license when he drives. Or ownership papers. Or sobriety. He does need a lawyer after he gets arrested for doing it, though. So there are some drawbacks, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 May 16 - 03:39 PM

Shane is a blind pig, of course, unlike Rapparee, who is gifted with superhuman vision into material dimensions.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 May 16 - 08:17 PM

And immaterial dimensions as well, Amos.

Shame, on the other hand, can't see beyond the bottom of a bottle while I can see his ultimate fate: old, alone, rancid, drooling in the dregs of the empty beer bottle he found in a dumpster, picking the lice from his clothing for his dinner, and eventually someone finding his ulcerated body in a filthy gutter and saying, "YEW!! That stinks!" Then what is left of what was Shame McBride is taken to a mortuary where even the rats in the walls flee from something that loathsome. After a very, very cursory examination the medical examiner will say, "I can't let that be buried because it would pollute the earth for generations to come, nor can I let it be burned because the smoke would nauseate all of Canada. Take it out and throw it into a volcano somewhere!" And the officials take it to Iceland and throw that which was once Shame into a volcano, which promptly spits it back out. Stymied, they elect to simply leave the loathsome thing to the buzzards, which promptly throw up and toss it back to them. And as the debate rages about how to dispose of that which was once Shame, suddenly the alcohol laden tissues of the cadaver spontaneously combust and leave naught a wrack behind. And one day, a bright eyed child will ask, "Daddy, who was this Shame McBride whose name is in our family bible?" and her father will reply, "Dearest one, he was a very, very, very stupid fool and we had any genes we shared with him wiped away as soon as that became possible. Would you like some ice cream?" And the child will say yes, and Shame McBride's name will never be mentioned ever again.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 May 16 - 01:42 AM

So fine to see the truth laid out. Now, let us turn our attention to the other miasma horribilis known as Chongo, thew figment of disgust with which we are continuously harassed by the maladroit malevolence of LH's overheated perfervid and puerile imagining...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 May 16 - 10:39 AM

About a year from now Penelope Rutledge, now shed of Winston due to an unfortunate accident in the Gun Room, landed at O'Hare in Chicago. She was on a trip to visit her niece Veronica, who had taken a job with a rather flamboyant dresser named "Slim Thing" and was "treading the boards" under the nom de theatre of "Randy Ronny." Penelope had heard of her niece's success and was paying a surprise visit.

After checking into the Omni, Penelope called for her car to take her to the South Side Gaities Theatre. She was excited and wanted to see the surprise on little Ronnie's face when she was presented with the four carat diamond ring that was to be her present.

The car broke down just at 79th and Cicero. Steam was rising from the radiator, and the driver apologized by saying it would "just take a second" to fix, popped the hood, and jumped out of the car.

A moment later he was back, dragged by four very ugly apes who ripped open the door and hauled Penelope out. One said, "Good lookin' skirt, even if she's a bit long in the tooth. Slim'll be happy." and they started to drag her towards a very disreputable automoble.

"Let 'er go," said a big voice, and standing in the shadows was a squat figure whose Thompson submachine gun emphasized the point.

The big ape dragging her threw her to the ground and drew a .45 automatic, just as the other three were doing. The Tommy played a concerto of lead and the four dropped. Then a second, shorter, burst put the quietus on the driver, who was pointing a .38 snubbie.

"Lady, you okay?" asked the squatty.

"Could be better, yes, but thank you. I believe that these...people...meant to do me harm."

"They was goin' to put you in Slim Thing's stable. Say, you talk like a limey -- you know a kid named 'Randy Ronnie' by any chance?"

"She is my niece," replied Penelope with a proper upper-class sniff. "Why do you ask?"

(to be continued....)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 May 16 - 11:06 AM

Wow.



Good effort there, Rap. I'm well impressed. The previous thing about Shane's demise was perfect too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 May 16 - 10:30 PM

"Cuz I kin git her out. You and her would make a good team of limey broads in with this guy I know. You could make a lot of the ol' do-re-me," Squatty said leeringly.

Penelope fought the urge to slap him. He had, after all, saved her.

"Anyway, maybe you don't want to do that. That's jake with me, I don't make a skirt do anything they don't want to. By the way, the moniker's Chongo. Chongo Chimp." And he stuck out a long, hairy arm with something like a hand at the end.

She shook it. Noblesse oblige, she thought.

"Mr. Chimp," she said after a moment, "would you know anyone who might be interested in obtaining the release of my niece from...that person? She came over here to visit a friend and I think she was forced into...white slavery, I believe you call it."

"Yeah, I do that kinda thing now and then. What's the take for me?"

"What do you mean?" asked Penelope.

"That ain't gonna be easy OR cheap. Slim Thing's got an in with the North Side Gorillas and half the other mobs in this burg. Could git ugly. Could mean concrete boots or even a mattress thing." Seeing the look of puzzlement on her face, he added, "Shooting. And maybe worse."

"How much?" Penelope asked, taking a wad of dollars from her handbag. "I could give you, oh, ten thousand of your dollars for a successful completion of the task. Of course, Veronica must be unharmed."

"Half up front to cover the immediate expenses and the rest when I'm done," said Chongx.

"As you say, we have a deal!" she said.

Chongx grinned in a very frightening manner and took the cash she proffered. "It's a deal," he said. "I'm gonna enjoy this. That mug's been too uppity for his own good and he needs to come down a notch or two."

(To be continued, perhaps when I return from the Tetons, to which I am going tomorrow FOR A WEEK.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 May 16 - 10:59 PM

Lovely. :) I look forward to the next installment.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 May 16 - 10:08 AM

I have received the following rather disturbing email, supposedly from an organization calling itself The National Organization for Shit Equality:


Dear Mr. Ell,

It has come to our attention that various members of the Internet forum known as The Mudcat Cafe, yourself included, have posted nearly 55,000 messages, consisting entirely of bullshit, to a thread called "The Mother of All BS Threads". Our organization represents the interests of the various other "minority" shits of the livestock and wild animal universes. We feel that 55,000 posts of bullshit with no representation from any other shits constitutes an unfair, and probably illegal, shit monopoly. To avoid possible legal action, we strongly suggest that you begin immediately to include some horse shit, chicken shit, snake shit, owl shit, and any other shits you can come up with into your posts. Failure to do so may result in a forced breakup of "The Mother of All BS Threads" into subsidiary entities such as "The Mother of All Turtle Shit Threads", "The Mother of All Cricket Shit Threads", etc.

We will be monitoring "The Mother of All BS Threads" for evidence of voluntary compliance. If there is no evidence of such compliance, if you and your fellow "MOABites" continue exclude non-bull shits from your posts, you can expect to hear back from us.

Sincerely,

Jack Shit
Vice President for Fecal Affairs
The National Organization for Shit Equality


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 29 May 16 - 02:39 PM

That Jack Shit, he gets around!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 29 May 16 - 06:45 PM

I don't know Jack Shit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 29 May 16 - 07:47 PM

The Tetons? Have a grand time.

Yo, Jack Shit... go pound sand ya jackoff.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 May 16 - 07:55 PM

Personally, I think Mr. Jack Shit doesn't know shit about shit. Posting mule shit or bear shit on the MOAB is like selling enchiladas or shrimp scampi at a Thai restaurant. Different shits have different characteristics. Horse shit has a reputation for being happy. Owl shit is slippery. Bat shit is crazy. Chicken shit has a reputation for being, well, chicken shit. Fish shit is just too difficult to pronounce. None of them have any business on the MOAB. If they wanna be heard, let 'em get their own threads.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 May 16 - 03:11 AM

Fish Shit is the very bottom of the food chain, and deserves no place in the polished and hallowed corridors of Mom's place. I think friend Jack is angling for a buy-off in a thinly veiled spasm of white-collar ransomware. I say we get Chongo to shit on him.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 May 16 - 11:23 AM

Does it strike anyone as poetically harmonious to see MOAB's own scion, who has always styled himself as Mom's favorite, wandering off in search of those Tetons? Are is that a stretchmark?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 30 May 16 - 07:07 PM

He's there for the Maryjane, man. Good for the eyes, they say.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 May 16 - 09:36 PM

The Grand Tetons don't appeal to everyone. Some of us are more enamored of the summit of Big Butt Mountain in North Carolina.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 31 May 16 - 11:45 PM

All I saw off the edge of the porch a few minutes ago was MOM, about 2 hours off of the bottom of the page, took a header right into the hydrangea. She's okay, but mad as a wet hen, because she couldn't get her feet under her to stand up.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 12:33 AM

Well, the whole damn thing wouldn't come up at all for hours today so she'll have to suck it up. Even loyal sons and daughters can only do so much!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 01:38 PM

Which was, by the way, 54 thousand and 500 posts. MOAB dominates.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jun 16 - 04:56 PM

The Grand Tetons are silent, as are the wild plains of Texas and the soggy backwaters of the Panhandle. The frozen North is silent. The godforsaken cul-de-sac of Blind River is a mushmouthed whisper. Mom sits alone, waiting and hoping that the phone might ring. The little black heart of her Bakelite rotary-dial phone remains cold and silent, silent, silent.


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