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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Rapparee 21 Jun 08 - 11:57 AM
Amos 21 Jun 08 - 12:22 PM
Acme 21 Jun 08 - 04:02 PM
gnu 21 Jun 08 - 04:05 PM
Amos 21 Jun 08 - 04:33 PM
Rapparee 21 Jun 08 - 06:21 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 21 Jun 08 - 06:36 PM
GUEST,Guest from Sanity 21 Jun 08 - 08:43 PM
Rapparee 21 Jun 08 - 09:15 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 21 Jun 08 - 10:26 PM
Rapparee 21 Jun 08 - 10:30 PM
Acme 22 Jun 08 - 12:34 AM
Amos 22 Jun 08 - 02:12 AM
Rapparee 22 Jun 08 - 11:55 AM
Acme 22 Jun 08 - 12:40 PM
Amos 22 Jun 08 - 03:11 PM
Rapparee 22 Jun 08 - 03:44 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 22 Jun 08 - 03:48 PM
Acme 22 Jun 08 - 04:38 PM
Rapparee 22 Jun 08 - 05:45 PM
Amos 22 Jun 08 - 06:51 PM
Amos 23 Jun 08 - 12:57 AM
Acme 23 Jun 08 - 01:08 AM
Rapparee 23 Jun 08 - 08:49 AM
Rapparee 23 Jun 08 - 11:32 AM
Amos 23 Jun 08 - 11:34 AM
MMario 23 Jun 08 - 11:37 AM
Rapparee 23 Jun 08 - 11:41 AM
Amos 23 Jun 08 - 11:46 AM
Rapparee 23 Jun 08 - 01:01 PM
Little Hawk 23 Jun 08 - 01:12 PM
Acme 23 Jun 08 - 02:40 PM
Little Hawk 23 Jun 08 - 02:45 PM
Amos 23 Jun 08 - 02:49 PM
Little Hawk 23 Jun 08 - 03:27 PM
Rapparee 23 Jun 08 - 04:09 PM
Little Hawk 23 Jun 08 - 04:20 PM
Acme 23 Jun 08 - 04:46 PM
Rapparee 23 Jun 08 - 05:18 PM
Amos 23 Jun 08 - 07:15 PM
Rapparee 23 Jun 08 - 10:04 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 23 Jun 08 - 10:45 PM
Acme 23 Jun 08 - 11:37 PM
GUEST,Big Brother Don 23 Jun 08 - 11:50 PM
Acme 23 Jun 08 - 11:54 PM
Amos 24 Jun 08 - 12:19 AM
GUEST,Big Brother Don 24 Jun 08 - 01:00 AM
Amos 24 Jun 08 - 08:05 AM
Rapparee 24 Jun 08 - 09:25 AM
Acme 24 Jun 08 - 11:11 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 11:57 AM

You were gone? Well, you'll be glad to know that we didn't missed your hands of clay and feet of grout.

Last I knew Gluon was sniffing around Experimental Breeder Reactor 1, out at the Idaho National Lab site. I'll see if I can send that miserable duckdog down your way. Your leg probably hasn't been humped in a month of Sundays.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 12:22 PM

A joy, a delight, a breath of fresh humid, salty, oak-scented miasmic Flordibammy air! Lo, the BeDubYell has returned.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 04:02 PM

I found some of Gluon's footprints in the desert east of Cairo (SAM or SP2 sites) but I can't figure out how to click on the spot to send the coordinates in Google Earth.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 04:05 PM

What's this thread about now eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 04:33 PM

HE;s been traveling as an organizer, bring joy all over the world with Matt and Melissa.

It just brings tears to my eyes. He's such a good duckdog.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 06:21 PM

Mention Gluon and Gluon will come. There I was, taking a nap, when something started humping my leg and whining....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 06:36 PM

Well, it's good to see you guys have been keeping Gluon well fed and seeing he gets plenty of exercise.

What does Gluon eat, anyway?


(By the way, there's a Google adverstisement on the screen that invites me to "Drop 9 lbs of stomach fat every 11 days by sticking with the 10 rules." If I were to follow the 10 rules for 276.46 days, I would disappear completely.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 08:43 PM

GOOD!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 09:15 PM

I've been working on a brand new old folk song. Which version do you like best?

Down in the Test Wexas town of El Pesthole
I fell in love with a Mexican girl.
Her name it was Rosa, she worked the cantinas
On a really slow night she might give me a whirl.


Or

Down in the defunct Texas town of Del Asjol
I got the hots for some Mexican chicks.
They were called "The Rositas", they worked the cantinas,
After they tried me I was called "Poco...."


I'm stuck on a rhyme there, so help would be appreciated.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 10:26 PM

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity - PM
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 08:43 PM

GOOD!!!!!


-----

Dear Guest from Sanity,

Please go to the nearest Tim Horton's if you're in Canada, Crispy Creme if you're in the US, or wherever people go to buy donuts if you're someplace else. While there, purchase a single donut of your choice, but make sure it's one with a hole in the middle. Take the donut home. When you arrive home, remove the donut from its bag and roll it across your kitchen table. While the donut is rolling, take a flying fuck at it. If you're not properly equipped to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut, just shove the donut up your ass. Better yet, place the donut in your mouth and then shove your head up your ass.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Jun 08 - 10:30 PM

You give fairly detailed instructions, Bee-Dubya. Could a bagel be used if the GUEST is on a diet prohibiting doughnuts or donuts?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 12:34 AM

Chew the donut before or after?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 02:12 AM

I'm not sure GfS' post qualifies as BS; we should have our own Joe BS Clone to fix up such errant insertions into our communal work of Great Art, is what I think.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 11:55 AM

I like Bee-Dubya's solution. His instructions aren't bad either, but his solution'll keep you kickin' stumps for a week.

(You don't think that he really only uses them kilns for pottery, do you? The "waste heat" is used to run off some of the best alligator pizen to outa Floribama. He's an up-to-date multi-tasker and energy-star efficient dude!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 12:40 PM

You all may want to clear offa the porch for a while. I'm gonna make my garlic pepper tea. It's kinda strong smelling (it's meant to chase off garden pests, but in its first-made concentrated form it chases off everything with a nose).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 03:11 PM

ooooooo! Recipe! We want a recipe!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 03:44 PM

How is it with ice cubes and sprig of mint?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 03:48 PM

Yes! Get the recipe from Stilly and mix up a batch to take to your fundraiser tea, Rapaire. Those old women just love a good practical joke. You could give it a fancy French name like "Tueur de Ver".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 04:38 PM

Garlic Sprays

To make garlic/pepper tea, liquefy 2 bulbs of garlic and 2 hot peppers in a blender 1/2 to 2/3 full of water. Strain the solids and add enough water to the garlic/pepper juice to make 1 gallon of concentrate. Use 1/4 cup of concentrate per gallon of spray. To make garlic tea, simply omit the pepper and add another bulb of garlic. Add two tablespoons of blackstrap molasses for more control.

Great for controlling pest on plants, and the garlic tea, sprayed around, does two things. It makes your yard smell like a fine Italian restaurant, and it repels mosquitoes.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 05:45 PM

AND vampires. It would also repel vampires.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 06:51 PM

And prolly skunks, 'coons, and O-possums to boot.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 12:57 AM

What a party. WHAT a party. A huge crowd came to the oceanographer's house ot say goodbye to the English girl who they have known for so long, a dancer who danced with the choreographer who is married to the oceanographer, and dozens of bright young twenty and thirty somethings who were friends of the English girl from her passionate pursuit of salsa dancing, of billiards and of American baseball. She had so many people coming to her farewell party as she is returning to England, it was like a whole graduating class. All bright, interesting from many many different walks of life.

Yesterday I went out on La Jolla 's coastal waters at sunrise in my wee kayak and talked to a seal who was nursing a bad arm/wing/paw.

This afternoon I played an hour or two of intense volleyball at the company pique-nique. Although I played like a much younger man, this evening I am beginning to feel like an older one! :D I strained an ankle and am limping about like an old fart.

ANd if you've never seen a fart limp, you haven't lived much.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 01:08 AM

Mix up some of this garlic pepper tea and put a dilute amount in a poultice for your ankle. I guarantee, soon the strain will not be a problem. You won't notice it (and the burning sensation will go away after a while with no scaring. . . )


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 08:49 AM

Seals have flippers, Amos. If you were a seal you would have a strained flipper, but you probably wouldn't have been invited to the company thing because seals only get invited to parties given by orcas because the orcas then eat the seals and it doesn't matter to the orca whether or not the seal has a strained flipper.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 11:32 AM

By the way, how did you strain your ankle? Did you fall into a colander or something?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 11:34 AM

This seal was holding his flipper up toward the sky in a most unnatural pose, while blowing softly and swimming slowly.

On reflection, perhaps I should have whipped out the old cellphone and called someone..Gawd knows who..to alert them, but I chose to allow him his life-cycle without human intercession. It just seemed more respectful. Or, I was being lazy. I guess you have to draw the line somewhere; we can't fix everything.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 11:37 AM

Maybe the seal was playing "shark"?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 11:41 AM

Oh, okay. I understand now.

He was acting like an orca, trying to attract other orcas to him (I assume you checked)so that his seal buddies, who were waiting below, could beat the crap out of the orca. Just another Socal turf war between rival gangs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 11:46 AM

A great thesis, Rapaire, only slightly divorced from reality, considering that orcas don't usually exist in these wtaers.

Otherwise, impeccable and imaginative.

Is "slightly divorced from reality" similar to being "a little bit pregnant"?


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 01:01 PM

I've never been divorced from reality! If I were, reality would have to pay me alimony and a share of the mutual property and I haven't received anything! If reality is divorcing me I haven't received any court papers. Perhaps I've been deserted by reality, as I have never left.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 01:12 PM

Do with Shane did. Never even get married to reality in the first place.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 02:40 PM

Hey, I have a new source of BS but I'm not going to start another thread. This came to my university email this morning:

    From: Who's Who Publishing [mailto:MJohnson@mwwpublishing.com]
    Sent: Thu 6/19/2008 5:59 AM
    To: You-Know-Who (me)
    Subject: Your Selection Into Who's Who

    Dear Candidate,

    You were recently appointed as a biographical candidate to represent your industry in the Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals, and for inclusion into the upcoming 2008-2009 "Honors Edition" of the registry.

    We are pleased to inform you that on June 9th, your candidacy was approved. Your confirmation for inclusion will be effective within five business days, pending our receipt of the enclosed application.

    The Office of the Managing Director appoints individuals based on a candidate's current position, and usually with information obtained from researched executive and professional listings. The director thinks you may make an interesting biographical subject, as individual achievement is what Who's Who is all about. Upon final confirmation you will be listed among thousands of accomplished individuals in the Who's Who Registry. There is no cost to be included.

    We do require additional information to complete the selection process and kindly ask that you access this form on our website by Clicking Here

    Sincerely,

    Matthew Johnson
    Managing Director


Of course his email is set up so you can't actually respond, but I followed the link to the company and sent back a reply to their info address:

    You were recently appointed as a biographical candidate to represent your industry in the Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals,

    Translation: You were picked as a sucker to submit personal and professional information and then to buy a personal copy of this expensive and meaningless book.

    I have absolutely no interest in participating in such a scurrilous part of the publishing world as these expensive ego-boosting NON-authoritative nonsense books as these Who's Who publications of yours.

    Am I perfectly clear?

    Take my name off of your list and don't bother me with it again.

    Thank you.

    (me)
    Library Publications
    Box etc
    817-etc-etc


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 02:45 PM

LOL! Way to go, Stilly. I wish they would get nothing back but those kind of replies from people. I have sent similar replies to various similar kinds of BS that I receive from time to time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 02:49 PM

What profession did they offer to include you in, LH? Dare I ask? "Renowned imaginarist and figment-monger, Little Hawk, was born in 1902 in Back Door, Ontario, a town he had outgrown by the time he was eleven...".



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 03:27 PM

Oh, they have made various typical facile appeals to my supposed vanity, Amos. I'm technically (if not actually) a "businessman", so they approach it on that basis. I'm running a company that has existed since 1974, so they assume that I have a big enough head about the glory of that, that I will buy all kinds of expensive BS from them that I can put on the wall or the front desk in order to overawe people who walk through the door and impress the hell out of them with what a big wheel I am...

LOL! Well, they assume wrongly. I have composed some damn funny letters and things to send back to those people and make their day a little more surreal. I also have a cool cartoon of a strange looking dude giving the finger and uttering a bunch of obviously obscene language that is symbolized by various stuff like "&$#&!!" in a word bubble, so sometimes I just send them back a photocopy of that in the self-addressed, pre-postage paid envelope they have so kindly provided.    ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 04:09 PM

In the past I've been listed in various Marquis publications like "Who's Who In The Midwest" and "Who's Who In The World" as well as things like "Who's Who In Library And Information Science." But I knew the provenance of those and knew they were legit.

The illegitimate ones I ignore. But I got one recently that ask me to be listed in something like "Who's Who Among Fantastically Great Suckers". It has the disclaimer "This publication is not affiliated with any "Who's Who" publication."

Say whaa??????


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 04:20 PM

LOL!!! So, did you apply for a membership with them?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 04:46 PM

In the bottom of that email is the faint text:

Madison Who's Who - 3001 Northern Blvd. 2nd fl. Long Island City, NY 11101
Madison Who's Who is not associated or affiliated with Marquis Who's Who or any other Who's Who.


It starts with an M, it has the same general length, has the a and the s sounds, it looks like it is a calculated to look enough like the other one to fool people. But I would send the same answer back to the "legitimate" ones also. Like Groucho Marx, if it would allow me to be a member, I don't want to join. ;-)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 05:18 PM

Yup, that's the one.

I jist ignore 'em nowadays. Iffen they're any good I'd know.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 07:15 PM

How humble, how pure of soul, thou art, to ignore the flatterings of such false vanities--because you've already been awarded the REAL ones!! LOL!!!

Congratulations on your perspicacity!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 10:04 PM

Wouldn't have gotten those if an old "friend" hadn't nominated me. Haven't been in any recently, either.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 10:45 PM

I've never been to Perspica City. Never been to New York City or Atlantic City either. Been to Yazoo City, Phenix City and Cave City though.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 11:37 PM

Cave City, KY? I've been there also.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Big Brother Don
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 11:50 PM

You ain't been nowheres till you been to Blind River, eh?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 11:54 PM

Is there a Blind River City, then?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Jun 08 - 12:19 AM

Hey, Don, I think Shane is calling you---he found a six-pack buried in the mud just below the docks at Murray Street, and he says its only a little bit rusty and if you don't come help he'll drink it himself. But he needs an old-fashioned church-key--it's the kind before pulltabs, so it musta been there a while, but he says it ain't broken...



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Big Brother Don
Date: 24 Jun 08 - 01:00 AM

Blind River IS a city, eh, Stilly River Sage? Well, okay...it's a town.

Hey, Amos, man...that sounds pretty flippin' nifty about the 6 pack, but I got a 24 in the fridge...and HEY have I got a deal YOU can't pass up that beats all. You lissenin'? I got a fine flippin' truck here to sell, but I was savin' it for someone who deserves it, eh? Someone who is a real pal.

Okay, so this ain't no small truck I'm talkin' about. This ain't no pickup or little 4 x 4. This is a flippin' 18-wheeler and it's almost like new. It is sittin' right out by the highway right now, just waitin' fer a new owner.   

I would not make this offer to anyone, man, but for you...I am willin' to take $16,000 dead even. This is for a truck that is worth 25 times that at least, eh?

You just send me $16,000 buckaroonies in US $ cash, small bills...or I will take a cheque, but only if it is a certified cheque, eh? Send it by currier to Box 99 in Blind River and made out to Don McBride.

This offer is only good for 3 DAYS!!!! Act fast, man.

When I receive this money which I know you are gonna send me cos you ain't stupid...then I will mail you the papers and all, and I will even hire a local guy to drive the flippin' truck down to your place in California.

What a deal, eh? Beats hell out of a buried 6-pack, don't it?

- Don McBride


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 24 Jun 08 - 08:05 AM

Sure thing, Dpn. Send photos, copy of registration and a copy of the pink slip, Dude. Just to be orderly like you know.

A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Jun 08 - 09:25 AM

Well, with "Shane" making new "friends" in jail, I guess Don is selling out, gonna move from Blind River so that "Shane" can't find him. Tough Love, ya know -- force the boy to make it on his own and all when he gets out. Maybe the boy will be forced into reshelving all the books he knocked around in the BRPL. Might even find a book that would change his life -- "Green Eggs And Ham" maybe, or "Hop On Pop."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 24 Jun 08 - 11:11 AM

That can be construed as 'cruel and unsual' punishment for this fellow, to have to read a book, Rapaire. Don't want to get the Mudcat into trouble now.


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