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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

MMario 14 Oct 09 - 12:24 PM
Rapparee 14 Oct 09 - 12:41 PM
Amos 14 Oct 09 - 02:56 PM
Rapparee 14 Oct 09 - 03:43 PM
Amos 14 Oct 09 - 03:49 PM
Ed T 14 Oct 09 - 05:52 PM
Ed T 14 Oct 09 - 05:57 PM
Ed T 14 Oct 09 - 06:07 PM
Janie 14 Oct 09 - 08:30 PM
Amos 14 Oct 09 - 09:14 PM
Ed T 14 Oct 09 - 09:40 PM
Janie 14 Oct 09 - 10:06 PM
Rapparee 14 Oct 09 - 10:54 PM
Janie 14 Oct 09 - 10:59 PM
Janie 14 Oct 09 - 11:02 PM
Amos 15 Oct 09 - 12:18 PM
Rapparee 15 Oct 09 - 01:10 PM
Ed T 15 Oct 09 - 01:28 PM
Amos 15 Oct 09 - 04:10 PM
Ed T 15 Oct 09 - 04:46 PM
Ed T 15 Oct 09 - 04:48 PM
Rapparee 15 Oct 09 - 04:56 PM
Rapparee 15 Oct 09 - 06:27 PM
Amos 15 Oct 09 - 06:42 PM
Rapparee 15 Oct 09 - 09:49 PM
Janie 15 Oct 09 - 11:51 PM
Janie 15 Oct 09 - 11:54 PM
Janie 18 Oct 09 - 12:37 PM
Amos 18 Oct 09 - 01:05 PM
Little Hawk 18 Oct 09 - 01:08 PM
Acme 18 Oct 09 - 01:19 PM
Janie 18 Oct 09 - 02:02 PM
Amos 18 Oct 09 - 02:28 PM
Janie 18 Oct 09 - 02:36 PM
GUEST,Rapaire 18 Oct 09 - 03:58 PM
Rapparee 18 Oct 09 - 04:31 PM
Janie 18 Oct 09 - 10:54 PM
Rapparee 19 Oct 09 - 09:09 AM
Amos 19 Oct 09 - 12:54 PM
Rapparee 19 Oct 09 - 01:14 PM
MMario 19 Oct 09 - 01:26 PM
Amos 19 Oct 09 - 01:29 PM
Rapparee 19 Oct 09 - 01:44 PM
Rapparee 19 Oct 09 - 02:33 PM
Rapparee 19 Oct 09 - 04:22 PM
Rapparee 19 Oct 09 - 05:04 PM
Little Hawk 19 Oct 09 - 05:48 PM
Acme 19 Oct 09 - 08:08 PM
Ed T 19 Oct 09 - 08:12 PM
Amos 19 Oct 09 - 08:46 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 12:24 PM

I want to know about them magnetic ferrets Ed was posting about. Can you stack them up like the little play magnets they used to sell in joke stores?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 12:41 PM

I understood that when she went out of town her sister misted her Mister and her Mister missed her not at all.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 02:56 PM

You may recall some time ago I wrote a sad ballad about how a certain miscreant was visited by a couple of tough-looking Enforcers for certain crimes of misappropriation of couplets, quatrains, and the odd haiku without giving due credit; the ballad told the story of this miscreant's sad disappearance.

It may interest you to know this actually happened. This is what happened when he answered the door.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 03:43 PM

Musicians? Are they like Martians or Mushrooms or something?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 03:49 PM

I dunno--ask the woman who owns one. Probably like Martians, is my guess.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 05:52 PM

Helping Teddy avoid those night time mistakes:

http://www.inmagine.com/is_single0109/is098q6nj-photo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 05:57 PM

A useful magnet for the canoe?

http://www.zazzle.ca/i_hear_banjos_magnet-147869521209455766


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 06:07 PM

Magnets, and more magnets:
http://www.dansdata.com/magnets.htm


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 08:30 PM

MOM is bored and asked me to tell you she requires a sonnet or song - plagarized or no.

Something that mentions an F250 4wd would put her in quite a jolly mood.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 09:14 PM

Ya gotta stretch or cli[p the sllables and imagine a lot R&B band backing you up:



Hey sweet Momma, put your paddle in with me
I got the sweetest little kayak boat that you ever did see,
If the weather's wet, never mind, just wait and see
We can run through the woods in my four-wheel ATV!

I got a F250 truck with four wheel drive
A fifth wheel trailer RV
I got two dirt bikes for running side-by-side
And a great big double-barreled high-lifter dirt-moving dooly-wheeled SUV!


When the evening comes come and cuddle up, honey,
I got a wide-screen flat TV!
You can whip up margaritas in my Cuisinart
And ride the LAZBoy while we watch in full HD!

I got a F250 truck with four wheel drive
A fifth wheel trailer RV
I got two dirt bikes for running side-by-side
And a great big double-barreled high-lifter dirt-moving dooly-wheeled SUV!


I got a ride-'em mower with a blower attached
If you want to get up and do the yard.
And for all these toys, girl, you don't want to ask,
I put them all on my credit card!

I got a F250 truck with four wheel drive
A fifth wheel trailer, you bet
I got two dirt bikes for running side-by-side
And a great big double-barreled high-percentage soul-sucking, life-draining mountain of debt!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 09:40 PM

She's a 99 Ford working truck
A guys 250, a real pick-up

Was special ordered, XLT Lariat
It's clean, one owner, good as it gets

Has five good tires, turned 80000 miles,
Diesel, 4wd , on road for all the while

Its auto, loaded, with driving lights,
A 7.3 turbo that drives real tight

Leather inside to please the Mrs.
Has air, all power, and receiver hitches

Been well maintained, have all the papers
Ready to pull whatever you make her

More of a truck than most folks have
Bed liner, Crew Cab with ABS

Got a snow plow to throw i n with her
Come on over make me an offer.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 10:06 PM

MOM is starting to chuckle.

I'ffn I was good at rhyming stuff I would turn a true life adventure regarding a folboat, and F250, mangrove mud flats, and what happens when you park said F250, overloaded with gear and craftshow stuff, on mangrove flats, while you mount a sail on said folboat and mess around for 6 hours in Sugarloaf Sound, into somethin' at least as thrilling as "the Wreck of Old 97."














Except, in our case, nobody died.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 10:54 PM

Sorry, Mom, but I don't do pickup trucks. I don't have one. But my brother does!

Last year he took a riding lawn mower off his truck. He did this all by himself, using a ramp. He also managed to dump it off the ramp and onto himself, tearing the heck out of his right shoulder in the process. Just for him we were writing a little ditty called "The Dumbshit Blues" but never finished it, as he threatened us with extreme bodily harm.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 10:59 PM

Aha, Rapaire has been outed.

"I don't do pick up trucks...."

You poser, you!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 14 Oct 09 - 11:02 PM

Mister and me is headed fer bed.

Wish I weren't allergic to him.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 12:18 PM

Truer words were never said--they capture the longings of millions of dutiful housewives across America every night.

"Wish I weren't allergic to him...".



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 01:10 PM

We wuz sitting in the Hovel, swilling beer and sipping booze
The parkin' lot was fulla cars, pickups an' lotsa hoss
Snotfaced Garry was a-dancin' on the bartop with a mop
An' Filthy Esmerelda was movin' in on Curly Top.

In the midst of all this rowdiness an' gaiety an' such
A stranger walked into the room -- he didn't look like much.
One eye in the middle of his face wuz surrounded by yeller fuzz
Three legs, six arms an' a horn or two above.

But a Stetson wuz perched upon his head, er mabbe a Resistol
An' his boots were scuffed an' bad in need of touch of polishin' oil.
He stood a bit over seven feet tall and knocked the lamps with his head
At the sight of him sixteen took the pledge and trundled off ta bed.

(Ta be continued)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 01:28 PM

Was it pick up lines, or pick up trucks?

Your eyes are the same color as my 1972 Ford Pickup Truck. I mean without the mud. Or the nude girl on the mud flaps.

Can I borrow your t-shirt? I gotta go wipe the oil off my dip stick.

Howdy. You're not the kinda unchristian girl that goes out drinking and then spends the night with the first loser she meets are ya? Well then, how about your uglier friend there?

Can I make you a drink? My still is in the back of my camper- Or as I call it- my sheep shack.

Well, tie me to a pig and roll me in the mud! You are mighty purdy for a heavy girl.

You're hair is just about as purdy as that squirrel's I skinned this morning. And it smells just as good!

A few more beers, and I'd probly do ya.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 04:10 PM

Ed:

In Mom's house one aspires to certain refined standards of expression, sir. Otherwise Mom makes ya sleep on the porch with no blankets.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 04:46 PM

Isn't that a bit excessive?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 04:48 PM

Mom.... "Who dat is? She do nails? I need to have my nails did".
Quote Diary of a Mad Black Woman 2005


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 04:56 PM

No, Amos is a recessive.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 06:27 PM

Being able to make up his mind, he is a decisive excessive recessive.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 06:42 PM

Thing about it is, once you done it, you always think twice about those one-liners with the risqué overtones.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 09:49 PM

You do?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 11:51 PM

Me posts keep pissadearing, regardless of thread to which I post.

Tres strange, not that I take it personally.

At about 9:15 I posted "Hi MOM. I'm home." Expecting accolades from all my darlin' sibs for the long hours I put in today between my public and private practices.

It moved MOAB to the top of the list.

Honest, it did! So I assumed the post "took."

Obviously it did not.   

Now, of course, I anticipate extra accolades for my persistence in calling attention to myself.

Aplause is nice, but I would much prefer that you send money.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 11:54 PM

I'll use the money to buy a dictionary so I spell stuff correctly - at least when I bother to use it.

Or maybe just to buy a bottle or two of nice wine. (To be shared liberally with MOM, of course.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 12:37 PM

We're home MOM! Did you miss us?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 01:05 PM

Mom!! How nice you came back. You were in a coma. But now you're fine and we will live happily ever after. While you were away the Obama administration put I ran in a headlock and they threw out I;m-A-Dinner-Jacket and foreswore nuclear weapons forever, and Obama gave Congress such a tongue lashing that they passed a modern health care act with a universal option, and the economy turned around when all the insirance companies confessed and the large banls paid back all their bailout money. Education got half of the money, too, so the whole scene is looking much healthier. Oh, and Universal Marriage Rights regardless of hue, orientation or gender was added to the Consittution.

Welcome back!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 01:08 PM

Birdie num-nums?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 01:19 PM

Coma, shomoma, she snuck down to the Legion Hovel and did a Liz the Squeak stunt and accidentally got herself locked in the ladies room.

I'm glad you're back, MOM. Good thing someone finally took the hinges off.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 02:02 PM

Damn! In all the excitement of the homecoming I up and snapped the esr peirse off my glasses.    ntil I get out to the drugstore, I have qn excuse for any typos.

Mebber that would be a good reason to nit get anogher pair?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 02:28 PM

Good esr peirses are hard to find anytmore. SInce the advent of electronic manufacturing and control systems, the technology of these rare hand-turned gems has been lost to all but a few wizened retired masters of the art. Modern replacements are scarcely worht the persette they are carved from. And the classic Esr syle has degraded to a cheap imitation. Nevertheless we must persevere.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 02:36 PM

We have competition. There was just a Google ad up for thread grinding. They'd been at a lot longer also. If I remember - since 1940(or was it 1947?)

BTW, my new reading glasses have blue frames.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rapaire
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 03:58 PM

WHAT ladies' room at the Hovel? Facilities are just like at your home.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 04:31 PM

There's a notable clan yclept Stein
There's Gertrude, there's Ep and there's Ein.
Gert's prose is obscure,
Ep's statues a bore,
And nobody understands Ein.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 10:54 PM

Poor Mom. Kicked to the curb for three days, then all we do when we find you again is dust you off quickly, plop you in your rocker with narry a shawl, scone, cuppa or bottle of rum, and leave you again.

Somehow, I suspect you will be fine.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 09:09 AM

No one really cares for her anymore, Janie. Just me, I guess. Amos is off on one of his so-called "trips"; the police will bring him home later, all covered with yuck from laying in the gutter all weekend or longer. Bee-Dubya's doing pot again, Stilly's gone to the dogs, and I've been to NC and know What Goes On THERE.

So it's just me and Gluon, and that damned duckdog spends the time humping Mom's leg.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 12:54 PM

Rapaire:

WIll you stop already with the covert blame and passive-aggressive self-aggrandizing crap? Many of have shown Mom what we can do or her, and do not need your judgements. It's lucky for you Mom is a thread, that's all...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 01:14 PM

Amos is hung over again, I see.

Alright, Amos. I shan't do anything to annoy you ever again.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 01:26 PM

oh RIGHT! If I was a bettin' man, I could make a mint off that statement!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 01:29 PM

WITNESS!!! OVER HERE!!! CAN I GET A WITNESS????



Thank you, Rapaire. With that post, you have dedicated the rest of your life to a Higher Purpose than ever you have known hitherto or heretofore.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 01:44 PM

You're welcome, Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 02:33 PM

Amos, here are some numbers for the California Lottery which I'm pretty certain are winners:


Mega:        
10         13         18         33         51         43
        
Super Lotto:        
3         6         8         36         47         13

I hope you win big.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 04:22 PM

Amos, I didn't write this but I want to share with you a song that's been in my mind, off and on, for some days now. I thought you might enjoy it too.


Sie sieht neben mir aus oh oh oh oh oh
Wie ein wandelndes Haus oh oh oh oh oh
Steh' ich einmal hinter ihr
Sieht man nichts mehr von mir
Und für mein Gefühl ist mir das viel zu viel oh oh oh

Kaum hat er sie geseh'n oh oh oh oh oh
War es um ihn gescheh'n oh oh oh oh oh
Ihre mächtige Forma fand er einfach enorm
Und er bat galant mich um ihre Hand oh oh

Drum nimm sie dir ich mag sie nicht
Denn sie ist mir zu fett
Sie ist mir zu fett
Sie ist mir zu fett
Drumm nimm sie dir
Ich mag sie nicht
Denn sie ist mir zu fett
Viel zu fett viel zu fett sie ist mir zu fett
Deine Liebe und dein Sehnen
Und dein Herz schenk' dieser runden Schönen


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 05:04 PM

Here's yet another song to cheer your day, Amos! I learned it from my dear old Grandmother.

Put on your old grey bustle
And get out there and hustle
Tomorrow the mortgage's coming due;
Put your ass in clover
Let the boys look it over
If you can't get five take two.

Put on those old pink panties
That used to be your aunties
We're going for a hustle in the hay
With a hole in the middle
Where you uncle used to diddle
In the good old fashioned way.

Put on that old grey corset
If it don't fit force it
The boys are minding it today
As the bee's make honey
Get out and make some money
In the good old-fashioned way,

Put on that old blue ointment
The crabs' disappointment
And we'll kill those buggers where they lay;
Though it scratches and itches
It'll kill those sons of bitches
In the good old-fashioned way.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 05:48 PM

N'est n'tang gizlocki des calmo n'kvit! Gesmoria nin scalpnetz em kroschetichi navskalm d'schtenze...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 08:08 PM

Heating up the oven for a small pizza and a few other reheatable items for dinner. What would you like, MOM? Some chicken, or broccoli, or maybe some of this baked banana (platano)?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ed T
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 08:12 PM

Alles hat ein Ende, nur die Wurst hat zwei.
Everything has an end, only the sausage has two.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 08:46 PM

Rapaire:

You need to learn about possessive forms of common English nouns and plural forms of same.

Aside from that your ribald contribution is now eternally engraved in Mom's heart--somewhere near the bottom near tax collectors and child-vomit. This thread has now memorialized your particular taste in humor...


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