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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Bee-dubya-ell 23 Oct 16 - 03:08 PM
gnu 23 Oct 16 - 08:20 PM
Rapparee 23 Oct 16 - 10:04 PM
Rapparee 24 Oct 16 - 09:51 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 24 Oct 16 - 12:09 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 24 Oct 16 - 12:39 PM
gnu 24 Oct 16 - 01:54 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 24 Oct 16 - 03:20 PM
Rapparee 24 Oct 16 - 08:58 PM
Amos 25 Oct 16 - 10:04 AM
Amos 25 Oct 16 - 07:08 PM
Rapparee 25 Oct 16 - 08:53 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 26 Oct 16 - 07:57 AM
gnu 27 Oct 16 - 07:13 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 27 Oct 16 - 12:51 PM
Amos 27 Oct 16 - 05:25 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 27 Oct 16 - 07:50 PM
Rapparee 28 Oct 16 - 12:23 AM
Amos 28 Oct 16 - 01:16 PM
gnu 28 Oct 16 - 01:30 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 28 Oct 16 - 02:12 PM
Rapparee 28 Oct 16 - 10:18 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 29 Oct 16 - 01:23 PM
Acme 30 Oct 16 - 11:16 AM
Amos 30 Oct 16 - 01:41 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 30 Oct 16 - 02:22 PM
gnu 31 Oct 16 - 01:01 PM
gnu 01 Nov 16 - 01:18 PM
Acme 01 Nov 16 - 07:20 PM
Rapparee 01 Nov 16 - 10:56 PM
Acme 02 Nov 16 - 01:42 AM
gnu 02 Nov 16 - 11:01 AM
Amos 02 Nov 16 - 03:51 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Nov 16 - 08:21 PM
Rapparee 02 Nov 16 - 08:54 PM
Amos 03 Nov 16 - 01:46 AM
Rapparee 03 Nov 16 - 08:20 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Nov 16 - 08:21 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 03 Nov 16 - 07:53 PM
Acme 03 Nov 16 - 09:49 PM
Rapparee 04 Nov 16 - 06:38 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 04 Nov 16 - 06:40 PM
Rapparee 04 Nov 16 - 09:28 PM
Acme 05 Nov 16 - 12:58 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 05 Nov 16 - 06:19 AM
gnu 05 Nov 16 - 06:23 PM
Rapparee 05 Nov 16 - 06:59 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 05 Nov 16 - 07:23 PM
Rapparee 06 Nov 16 - 09:53 AM
Acme 06 Nov 16 - 10:21 AM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 23 Oct 16 - 03:08 PM

Hah! So Mr. Rapparee claims to have made post #55200! It's a totally groundless fabrication! And a lie, to boot! He's being paid by The Idaho Legion to derail my rightful claim to all significant numbers on The Mother of All BS Threads! I made post #55200, but it didn't show up because the system is rigged! Yes, rigged by The Idaho Legion and the nasty women of its Lady's Auxiliary!

Rest assured that I shall file a lawsuit seeking damages in the amount of some astronomical figure from Mr. Rapparee, just as soon as the election is over. Meanwhile, Mr. Rapparee would be advised to seek legal counsel.

In the event Mr. Rapparee should wish to avoid going to trial on this matter, please be advised that we may be amenable to a one-time cash settlement in an amount somewhere south of astronomical, but well north of mind-boggling. I may be contacted through my legal representatives, The Law Firm of Dillydally, Shillyshally, Lollygag, Dragass, and Fuckaround.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 23 Oct 16 - 08:20 PM

Rap... if you need, I can put you in touch with my solicitors, Pluckem, Fuckem and Chuckem. But I want a cut. These guys are good. Their top gun, a Ms. I. Shiv, is razor sharp and when she cuts a deal, she bleeds coin right into your pocket.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Oct 16 - 10:04 PM

I refer all such threats to my in-house attorney, i.e., my wife (BA, MS, JD, etc.). As usual, she will be filing a counter-suit for sum of USD ∞+1.00 as soon as the papers are received; potential plaintiffs should be aware that as her BA is in mathematics it would be foolish indeed to argue the amount. Please note that she will be filing said counter-suit in the Chancery Court, City of Fenwick, Duchy of Grand Fenwick (of course, with the consent and approval of Her Majesty, the Duchess Gloriana XII).


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Oct 16 - 09:51 AM

Good morning dear Mother!
Good morning to you!
I salute you dear Mother!
You're my favorite, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Oct 16 - 12:09 PM

M is for the musty smell of cowpie
O is for the odor of ripe poop
T is for the tons of turds that now lie
so thick they can't be shoveled with a scoop
H is for the
E
R


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Oct 16 - 12:39 PM

WTF happened? I'll repost the finished version of that pome later. Got work to do right now....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 24 Oct 16 - 01:54 PM

"WTF happened?" You talkin' ta me? My guess is that you ran out of time and had to go to work.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 24 Oct 16 - 03:20 PM

Nah, what happened is I hit the "backspace" key and Mudcat Central thought I hit "Submit". It's happened before. Anyway, here's the finished product:

M is for the musty smell of cowpie
O is for the odor of ripe poop
T is for the tons of turds that now lie, so thick they can't be shoveled with a scoop
H is for the heaps of feces stinking
E is for excess of excrement
R is for a rotten rank pile reeking, there's really no escaping from the scent


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Oct 16 - 08:58 PM

That's pretty good, considering.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Oct 16 - 10:04 AM

It is clear there is precious little considering afoot, howsomeever.

We are entertaining realtors with bright shiny eyes--so far, two. They arrive with bright shiny presentations in shiny binders and dignified fonts and clever MS Word layouts, graphs and tables. They praise rooms and chatter market talk.

Sometimes I think we have wandered too close to the Billy Gates of Hell itself, which must, indeed, spawn such merriment to torture the souls of uncertain Man. But then, I think, "Fuck, what do I know?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 25 Oct 16 - 07:08 PM

Which is also pretty good, considering.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Oct 16 - 08:53 PM

Amos has let the cat out of the bag, so to speak, and so I will make the Big Announcement:

AMOS IS MOVING TO POCATELLO!
HE HAS ALREADY APPLIED FOR MEMBERSHIP IN THE IDAHO LEGION!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 26 Oct 16 - 07:57 AM

I'm sure Amos will bring some much needed class and decorum to The Idaho Legion.

Or maybe The Idaho Legion will bring some much needed dissoluteness to Amos.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 27 Oct 16 - 07:13 AM

Less than an hour to free fall... good thing I had to get up an hour earlier today for a hairdressing appointment.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 27 Oct 16 - 12:51 PM

It has occurred to me that bull shit is actually quite rare. Given modern animal husbandry practices, maybe one in every thousand male bovine offspring is allowed to retain his masculinity and grow to become a bull. The other 999 become steers (otherwise known as "good eatin'"). Given that males only account for half of all bovine births, that means only one in 2,000 cattle is a bull and, hence, capable of producing bull shit. The other 1,999 produce what could generically be called "cattle shit".

Now, in natural ungulate communities where the castration knife is unknown and a taste for mountain oysters has yet to develop, the number of males and females is about equal, so the amount of bull shit and cow shit are roughly the same. We humans have altered this natural balance by drastically reducing the number of procreatively endowed males. Therefore, it is incumbent upon us, the members of the MOAB community to restore the balance by generating bull shit in copious quantities.

Please do your part. Both Mom and Mother Nature will thank you.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 27 Oct 16 - 05:25 PM

Bravo. This is a time for Heros to come to the aid of Bull wherever it may appear. I second the motion.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 27 Oct 16 - 07:50 PM

And here's today's installment of Advice From Mom:

Never eat anything whose label description includes the word "product". This includes potted meat food product, processed American cheese food product, and Spam (whose official description is "A canned precooked meat product").

Please note that the above list does not include beef jerky or Slim Jims, so residents of manufactured housing communities (trailer parks) need not worry about starvation, just the usual scurvy, beriberi, and pellagra.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Oct 16 - 12:23 AM

I was by Jessup, NV today. It was named for Jesse Jessup, an outlaw of no particular note. Do you know a Jessup? Jesse tripped as the lynch mob was chasing him and fell down a mine shaft. He left various progeny scattered across the US.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 28 Oct 16 - 01:16 PM

I have been through Jessup, MD, frequently, and once wrote a blues song about it. There's something compelling--nay, awe-inspiring--about the name, somehow.

By the way, Snopes.com reports that Amos is NOT moving to Pocatello and has further categorized Rapparree as a goldanged liar.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 28 Oct 16 - 01:30 PM

Well then, where is ya a movin' ta?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 28 Oct 16 - 02:12 PM

I have been to Jesup, Georgia. Note that it is spelled with only one "s", having been named after an apostate member of the heretical Single Ess sect of Jessupism. Single Essers believe that the altered spelling, being so close to "Jesus" that out-of-towners sometimes show their ignorance by pronouncing the town's name as "Geezup", increases their chance of spending eternity in Paradise. They are generally regarded as less intelligent and more likely to vote for Donald Trump than members of the Two Ess branch of the Jessup clan.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Oct 16 - 10:18 PM

Jessup, MD was founded in 1927 be a coagulation of descendants of Jesse Jessup who hoped that being near the nation's Capitol would give them legitimacy, which they were sorely lacking. Bee Dub is correct about the One Essers. Jessup's Corners, SD (now abandoned) was an attempt to show that they were "on the square."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 Oct 16 - 01:23 PM

The leader of the Single Ess sect of Jessupism (which they spelled "Jesupism", of course) was Morris Ketchum Jesup. Note that there is no mention of Single Ess Jesupism in the linked biographical sketch. That's because it is a very secretive sect. So secretive, in fact, that most of its members are unaware of their own membership. Since being named Jesup is not a requirement for membership, almost anyone could be a member. All are eligible with the exception of Two Ess Jessups like Amos. Two Essers are not allowed to join unless they change the spelling of their names and agree to make a pilgrimage to either Jesup, Georgia or Jesup, Iowa.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 30 Oct 16 - 11:16 AM

The closest I've come to finding a town with my surname is a wide spot in the road in rural New Mexico. There might be a gas station there.

http://surnames.behindthename.com/names/list This was no help at all in learning what my surname is about.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 30 Oct 16 - 01:41 PM

I think it means descended from a lisping dyer, such as one who dyes wool fwum wascally sheeps.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Oct 16 - 02:22 PM

My surname was not found on that list. That is not totally unexpected since, other than known family members, I've only met one person in my entire life who shares my surname.

I've heard that it used to be fairly common, but most people who bore it have legally changed their names to eliminate any perceived association with me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 31 Oct 16 - 01:01 PM

Twenty minutes from fall into the abyss? Mom must be pissed.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 01 Nov 16 - 01:18 PM

APB! MOM! Where are you?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 01 Nov 16 - 07:20 PM

I have esteemed Mudcat company coming by the house tonight, to spend a day in the area touring around. Mr. JoeClone himself is on his bucket list tour of the US (for some reason he wanted to see Oklahoma, and being this close, is stopping by). I vacuumed and swept up several pounds of dog hair. There is no getting all of it, but at least for a little while most of the hair is still on the dogs.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Nov 16 - 10:56 PM

I have, temporarily, returned. The day after tomorrow I leave for about a month in The East, specifically Missouri, Illinois, and Indiana. Fear not, I shall have computer access during my venturing.

My surname was not the the list.

Jessup, Nevada, has inexplicably disappeared. There is good reason to suspect it has been taken to Area 51 for an overhaul.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 02 Nov 16 - 01:42 AM

The Mudcat traveller arrived safely. And while visiting at the kitchen table after dinner out were notified by a cell phone message that something interesting was happening in baseball land. Might be tomorrow night's game is worth staying in for.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 02 Nov 16 - 11:01 AM

I shall check out the game as well. One game a year is plenty of baseball for me. GO CUBS!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 02 Nov 16 - 03:51 PM

The nation raises up its weary ears, scarred and bruised from the ugliest election period since the Civil War, and breathes a sigh of hope and interest at the sight of the Cubs rising up from the dead, where they have been since 1908. Go Cubs!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Nov 16 - 08:21 PM

In other baseball news, the minor league team that plays in Jacksonville, Florida is changing it's name from the Suns to (drum roll please) The Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp.

In response to this change, approximately 1/3 of Jacksonville residents want the name changed back, 1/3 are laughing their asses off, and 1/3 said, "What? We have a baseball team?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Nov 16 - 08:54 PM

So. I protest. That is derogatory to shrimp, which are peaceful omnivores and do not engage in "games." Shrimp simply pursue their lives in a gentle manner a befits small critters.

RENAME THE JACKSONVILLE SHRIMP!!!

REMOVE THAT OFFENSIVE LOGO!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 03 Nov 16 - 01:46 AM

Wow! Wodda show. This has to have been the most dramatic butt-clencher of a baseball game since the Dodgers came from Brooklyn. Really!! Wodda show!! Wodda finish! My hat's off to the heroes on both sides.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Nov 16 - 08:20 AM

What is that all about? Is Amos taking another of his fits? Has he gone off his meds again? Mom told him what would happen! This time he's going to have to stay in The Hospital until he's officially released! It's the NYCFTTS for him again.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Nov 16 - 08:21 AM

I'm sure Mom will be pleased to learn of the Cubs victory. She had the best intentions of watching the game to its finish, but her one Margarita per inning viewing plan went a bit awry when the blender ran dry after eight innings and she started hitting the Cuervo bottle straight. By the time play resumed after that rain delay she was zonked out in the La-Z-Boy.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 03 Nov 16 - 07:53 PM

To continue the saga of the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp baseball franchise.... There is apparently enough interest in this topic that if you begin typing "Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp" into Google's search field, you only get as far as, "jac" before "Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp" pops up as the #1 Google instant prediction. Go figure.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 03 Nov 16 - 09:49 PM

I rarely watch sports, but that game last night was rivetting. And I had company - the esteemed Joe Clone was here and between us we figured out what most of the calls meant and the general rules of baseball. Watching the end of an extreme dry spell is satisfying. MOM was probably watching the game but didn't tell any of you about it. It explains that Mona Lisa smile on her face today.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Nov 16 - 06:38 PM

The Chicago River was dyed blue. "Cubs Blue" they called it. It's the first time the Chicago River has been blue since Fort Dearborn was established in 1803.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 04 Nov 16 - 06:40 PM

Up, Mom, up! Good Mom! Now sit! Shake hands! Roll over! Good Mom! Here's your chew stick!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Nov 16 - 09:28 PM

Ah sure hope she bit ya.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 05 Nov 16 - 12:58 AM

I'm certain she must have. Or swatted him around the head and shoulders.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Nov 16 - 06:19 AM

No, I was not bitten by Mom for my previous post, but she did tinkle on my living room carpet. Mom gets a bit excited when she gets a chew stick. Or a Margarita.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu
Date: 05 Nov 16 - 06:23 PM

NEVER trim your moustache at 22:30 on a Friday night on accounta that slipup is gonna show for near two weeks. Ya can't even smile crooked at people ta hide the bare spot. Hair, yeah. It's always good if yer buzz cuttin it. Twas a chilly morn on me head. Refreshing, actually.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Nov 16 - 06:59 PM

I never trim my mustache. Not do I "drive 'em in with hammer and bite them off inside." No, as a trumpeter I have excellent embouchre and breath control, so I simply inhale and then exhale forcefully. This blows all of the whiskers out of my face, but when doing so I must put a Kevlar bag over my head to prevent the surrounding area (a radius of a hundred meters or so) from being shattered by the force of my whiskers being expelled. For the mustache, I simply inhale or exhale to the extent appropriate for the desired length.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 05 Nov 16 - 07:23 PM

No matter how meticulously a man grooms his beard or mustache, trims his eyebrows, or shaves whatever part of his face is not hirsute, there will always be a few defects that can only be detected by glancing in a car's rear view mirror while stopped at a red light. The few whiskers that grow way up high on your cheekbone and are now a half-inch long. The two hairs that grow on the tip of your nose. They simply don't show up in bathroom mirrors. Only in cars.

And it doesn't apply to men only. That one hair that grows on a woman's chin and is now an inch long.... Same deal. It only shows up in a rear view mirror while stuck in traffic.

It's a law of nature on the order of The Third Law of Thermodynamics. In fact, it's The Second Law of Personal Grooming. The First Law of Personal Grooming is, of course, that a mustache trimmed at 22:30 will be lopsided. And The Third Law of Personal Grooming is that any defects discovered by glancing in a rear view mirror will be forgotten by the time one arrives home and, therefore, will not be corrected, only discovered anew the next time one is patiently waiting behind a stopped school bus.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 06 Nov 16 - 09:53 AM

The corollary to the Second Law of Personal Grooming states that even if you have the equipment and ability to correct discovered problems with you in the car you will be forced to move before or in the middle of correcting the problem(s) and thus look half groomed or worse when you forget to complete the correction.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 06 Nov 16 - 10:21 AM

Lately I've seen several people who clearly did their hair grooming while looking in a mirror, but didn't use any reflective method to look at the back of their heads. The results are kind of sad, and I didn't have the heart to tell them, but probably should have.


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