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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

Amos 15 Apr 09 - 08:50 PM
Rapparee 15 Apr 09 - 10:25 PM
Amos 15 Apr 09 - 10:42 PM
Rapparee 16 Apr 09 - 08:41 AM
Amos 16 Apr 09 - 07:28 PM
Rapparee 16 Apr 09 - 09:32 PM
Amos 17 Apr 09 - 10:14 AM
Amos 17 Apr 09 - 01:53 PM
Rapparee 17 Apr 09 - 05:08 PM
GUEST,Chongo Chimp 17 Apr 09 - 05:09 PM
Janie 17 Apr 09 - 06:46 PM
Acme 17 Apr 09 - 06:59 PM
Janie 17 Apr 09 - 07:06 PM
Acme 17 Apr 09 - 07:10 PM
Amos 17 Apr 09 - 07:19 PM
Janie 17 Apr 09 - 08:09 PM
Janie 17 Apr 09 - 10:04 PM
Rapparee 17 Apr 09 - 10:23 PM
Acme 17 Apr 09 - 10:52 PM
Little Hawk 17 Apr 09 - 11:07 PM
Amos 17 Apr 09 - 11:20 PM
Little Hawk 17 Apr 09 - 11:29 PM
Janie 18 Apr 09 - 10:43 AM
Rapparee 18 Apr 09 - 10:52 AM
Acme 18 Apr 09 - 11:16 AM
Janie 18 Apr 09 - 11:49 AM
Amos 18 Apr 09 - 12:07 PM
Rapparee 18 Apr 09 - 01:18 PM
Amos 18 Apr 09 - 01:38 PM
Little Hawk 18 Apr 09 - 02:07 PM
Janie 18 Apr 09 - 02:28 PM
Little Hawk 18 Apr 09 - 02:31 PM
Acme 18 Apr 09 - 07:16 PM
Little Hawk 18 Apr 09 - 07:29 PM
Amos 18 Apr 09 - 10:43 PM
Little Hawk 18 Apr 09 - 10:53 PM
Rapparee 18 Apr 09 - 11:14 PM
Janie 18 Apr 09 - 11:29 PM
Amos 18 Apr 09 - 11:29 PM
Janie 18 Apr 09 - 11:35 PM
Acme 18 Apr 09 - 11:44 PM
Amos 18 Apr 09 - 11:47 PM
Janie 18 Apr 09 - 11:48 PM
Rapparee 19 Apr 09 - 12:08 AM
Little Hawk 19 Apr 09 - 12:15 AM
Amos 19 Apr 09 - 01:46 PM
Acme 19 Apr 09 - 03:04 PM
Amos 19 Apr 09 - 03:07 PM
Acme 19 Apr 09 - 03:17 PM
Amos 19 Apr 09 - 03:45 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Apr 09 - 08:50 PM

Gawdammit, Rapaire--I clicked that link an hour ago, and I have been sucking up TED talks since then. I';m sending you a bill. Good stuff.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Apr 09 - 10:25 PM

I just got off the phone with my brother Ted. He said to tell you that that was what all the girls used to say about him in high school and college: "Mmmmmm...good stuff!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 15 Apr 09 - 10:42 PM

Tell him I said, mmmmmm....STUFF it too.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Apr 09 - 08:41 AM

He really is a cunning linguist, speaking Vietnamese, Spanish, Russian, Hebrew, and some other languages. He can cuss in 'em, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 16 Apr 09 - 07:28 PM

Overheard in transit for Dubai:

" I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.

   The conversation went something like this...

    Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

   Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

   Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

   Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

   Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 Apr 09 - 09:32 PM

So this blond tells me "Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully, get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my life like men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! 'What's going on here?' 'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly. 'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?' I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 10:14 AM

Our natural market of high-quality BS is deflating and giving way to massive imports. I suppose it is transitional--so much is, these days.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 01:53 PM

I believe the story is told that the way King Khandu's line came to Mississippi was the consequence of a single moment of decision. Standing on hte quay in Barcelona, unsure whether to take steerage to America or hire out on a steamer bound for Liverpool, Khandu's great-great-grandfather stood, bemused. His mother's spirit--she was Polish--reveled in ignorance and uncertainty; his father's spirit (he was Sicilian) sought bravado, machismo, manipulation and attack for a solution. In the timeless synthesis between opposing forces, Khandu's great-great-grandfather, half-Polish and half-Sicilian, made himself an offer he couldn't understand. And the rest is history.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 05:08 PM

Actually, I have carefully and quite thoroughly researched the matter of Khandu's ancestors and how they came to this fair land.

Amos is correct as far as he goes, which, as is usual for someone from Southern California, is no where nearly far enough. As his g'g'grandfather stood on the dock in Barcelona he was approached by a Certain Lady Of The Evening who offered him a Certain Preposition. Thinking that he'd just "gotten lucky" he accepted and after the exchange of the negotiated sum of golden piasters, was handed a deed of ownership for the preposition "wiikaa". Knowing that this was Ojibwemowin for "seldom" he took himself to America so that he could collect a royalty for each time the word was used.

The rest is history.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 05:09 PM

You sure got a way with words, Amos. Man. Way cool.

Could you do up a little story describin' my emigration from Africa on the banana boat in the late 20's, and my landin' in New York City on the gritty docks? I would love to hear it in your words.

- Chongo


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 06:46 PM

Yeeehawww! It's Friday evening.

Sun is gonna shine this weekend with high's about 80 tomorrow and rain predicted late Sunday. Perfect spring gardening weather.   My new lawn mower is hollerin' "assemble me" from the back of the Subaru, and shovels, hoes and bags of fertilizer are shivering with excited anticipation in the shed.

Gonna take an airsoft gun to the cats in the yard what are eatin' all my pretty birdies.


I swear I will. I really will do it.




No. Really!













Well, okay, I have very vivid fantasies but not vivid enough to overcome the ol' super-ego.






Maybe I'll just snipe at their owners from behind the boxwoods.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 06:59 PM

Sorry to be away so long, MOM. Lots going on around here, and I was slumming on the Susan Boyle thread for a while. We were having problems with a sniper over there. Sometimes you have to let both barrels go at once.

Here's hoping I never have to rely on the kindness and incredibly superior musical intellect of Diane Easby, whoever the hell she is. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 07:06 PM

Acid rain.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 07:10 PM

Probably not the final word on the subject.

What about acid rain, Janie? Are you expecting some? Or do I have to go back and read something?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 07:19 PM

Janie,

For very little you can get a BB gun and ten thousand rounds of air-propelled copper-coated BBs.

Just the thing to let a cat know the Happy Hunting Grounds are not where she or she thought they were.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 08:09 PM

Stilly, my take on DE.

Thing is, I like cats. I don't like them eating my birdies and over-running my yard, though.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 10:04 PM

Chongo, you came from a loving family who did all they could to do right by you.    Mom often wondered if her addiction to the fermented fruit of assorted rain forest trees had caused FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome), and out of her deep feelings of guilt, she put up with your disruptive behavior to an extent that none of your brothers and sisters had enjoyed, which led them to murderous rage at the way MOM indulged you.

Surely you remember. You were barely a teenager when MOM fully accepted she had a sociopath on her hands. That realization did not lessen her love for you, but she had to protect the other kids. The tears poured down her face that day she dropped you at the waterfront, pressing a banana leaf wrapped around her life savings into your hand, and directed you to take the first boat you could buy passge on to New York.

"Don't come back, son", she cried. "I love you and believe in you, but don't come back, or I'll have to kill you."

Do remember how you tore open the banana leaf, counted what was inside, then looked up at your mother to complain, "That's all?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 10:23 PM

After MUCH research I have found a picture of Chongo. Please note that he suffers from a terrible case of hemorrhoids.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 10:52 PM

Oooooooooooo.


Janie--diatomaceous earth?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 11:07 PM

HOLY-----!

What a set of-----------!!!

That is not Chongo, Rapaire. I don't know who the hell it is, but it's definitely not Chongo. Chongo doesn't go around in public flaunting his coconuts like that, not since he left the jungle and that was way back in 1928.

"1928???" you say? Well, I can't explain his longevity, but it is akin to D.E.'s godlike understanding of exactly what folk music IS and what it IS NOT. If you want to know, just ask her.   Her authority in that respect is comparable to that of the Queen...or Penelope Rutledge. It cannot be challenged. She IS folk music in the UK personified. Once she has spoken, all others should maintain a respectful silence and slink off if they still can....just like crooks usually do after Chongo has emptied a clip or two out of his tommy gun.

Janie, depending on the mood Chongo is in when he reads your story about his supposed youth, he's going to either be somewhat amused...or quite pissed off.

We shall see.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 11:20 PM

Hi, Mom!!

I just came back from a session at the shooting range down in Bay Park. I had my sweet Colt .22 target gun, which is light and true, and which I had never fired. Well, I finally got to a place where I could, and I love it. I also fired two different .45s and two .38s, and BBW tried her had at all of them.

I did well for a newbie--my clusters were all within three inches of whatever I was aiming at. That was very satisfactory.

Points forward and all that!!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 17 Apr 09 - 11:29 PM

Chongo would feel you are off to an excellent start, pard.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 10:43 AM

All these slugabeds, MOM, what are we gonna do with them? Here are you and I, taking a little breather from a full morning's yard work, and I bet Amos hasn't had his first cup of coffee yet.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 10:52 AM

Good. Now come out here and do my yard.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 11:16 AM

Duh. Had to look at my own thread link.

It's overcast out, MOM, don't hang out on the porch all day. The drizzle humidity will make your hair curl. Or your housedress mildew.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 11:49 AM

Note to self. Use sun screen next time.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 12:07 PM

Gwan witchoo!! I was up at the unusually late hour of 7 AM local time, and went straight to the office, altho' I did not have to do it. You were padding the poll by leveraging your illegal sidereal advantage, which is the temporal equivalent of counting hanging chads twice!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 01:18 PM

Speaking of hanging Chads, we lynched the Chad brothers last night. Tom and Chad Chad. Just had too much of their cattle rustlin', horse stealin', bottom dealin', and foolin' around with the wimmenfolk. They had also drank the beer tanker at the Legion hovel dry, which made the boys and girls a bit techy.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 01:38 PM

Ah, the Wild West. When they learn to spell "tectchy" so it is not confused with "techie" we can discuss allowing them back into the Union.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 02:07 PM

"You were padding the poll by leveraging your illegal sidereal advantage"

Christ, that's brilliant, Amos! Can we (the APP) use it in Chongo's next run for the presidency?

And is it pronounced "side real" or "sid EE ree all"?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 02:28 PM

Hmmm...did you mean "tetchy?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 02:31 PM

In this house the word "titchy" or "tichy" means the same thing as "touchy" or "thin-skinned". The dog is quite titchy. He usually feels that things are not being done to his complete satisfaction.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 07:16 PM

Little Hawk, William Shatner called. Said he'd call back again later when I asked if he wanted to leave a message. He grumbled something about "coconuts" and a leaked photo. . .


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 07:29 PM

Oh dear.

A disturbing thought has occurred to me. Bill occasionally goes off on a sort of tear where he frequents strange places where most people at his income level wouldn't go and he has "encounters" with the "entertainers" who are found in those places.

He says he does this in order to hone his acting skills.

What I am wondering is...could that chimp in Rapaire's photo be the bastard love child of William Shatner and...



and...


Chinga!???

That could explain both the gigantic coconuts AND the complete lack of concern for ordinary public decency or modesty.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 10:43 PM

Yes, I meant "t-e-t-c-h-y". meaning irritable or thin-skinned.

LH, Shatner could not be or have a love child. He is a figment of your own overwrought imagination.

It is possible the creature in the picture is Chongo's love-child, though, but I cannot imagine with whom.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 10:53 PM

Shatner is a real person, Amos. He's a living human being with a career and an income in 6 or 7 figures, earned by doing cheap ads for various oddball products and some real acting too here and there, plus those great guest appearances we all yearn to attend. Get a grip on yourself.

Whoever that chimp got his genes from, he inherited some dandy muscles (and other parts). He looks like he could break a man in two and not even strain himself to do it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 11:14 PM

Well, Mom, I just got back from work.

Seems like the alarms went off and I was called because a) I'm the director and b) my name is on the call list.

There were three (3) cops there, two patrolmen and a sergeant. We went into the building and found that Kota hadn't been turned off, had somehow "awakened" and his shaking head had set off the motion alarms. Then, as the two patrolmen were sweeping the second floor, the sergeant and I noticed that someone had unrolled a sleeping bag and was sleeping amidst the shrubbery in front of the atrium window.

He had a bit of a surprise when he was awakened by three cops and hauled away -- he had, it seems, taken a bit of drink.

Anyway, the cops said it wasn't often that they responded to a call regarding a dinosaur.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 11:29 PM

Hurray for Kota!

Did more physical work today than I have done in a year. Gonna pay for it too - but not until Monday.

Just got back from a lovely evening with Dani and two other friends at a local tapas bar.





I'm still hungry.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 11:29 PM

I hope you didn't take that personally. It was their way of respectfully acknowledging your seniority...



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 11:35 PM

Yes, they notice more and more senior moments on his part....


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 11:44 PM

A sleeping wino busted by a toy dino. Truth IS stranger than fiction.

Janie, motrin and a hot shower might help.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 11:47 PM

Little Hawk:

Well, I understand. Shatner has been with you for a long, long time, through times when everyone else seemed to just abandon you. So it is right you should be loyal to him and defend his reality. Perfectly understandable.



A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 11:48 PM

Chinga?


It would seem there is some credence to the rumors. . Bill looks a little hot and bothered to me.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Apr 09 - 12:08 AM

The look of a proud papa, perhaps?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk
Date: 19 Apr 09 - 12:15 AM

It's looking more and more like what I had feared...

But perhaps this musclebound chimp/man that Shatner has possibly fathered will go on to star in some future edition of Star Trek!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Apr 09 - 01:46 PM

There's more BS in the world, Horatio, than in all your geneaology!!


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 Apr 09 - 03:04 PM

So you're resorting to shaking a speare at William?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Apr 09 - 03:07 PM

Or waggling an epée at his eponym.


A


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Acme
Date: 19 Apr 09 - 03:17 PM

I'm U-tubing this afternoon, listening to lots of songs to shake one out of my head that I've heard a few too many times in the last week. Ear worms are insidious things. :)

Nell Flaherty's Drake is a good one for starters.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos
Date: 19 Apr 09 - 03:45 PM

Ah, a fine auld favorite. There's a great parody of it in the Song Challenge about a favorite hen in Finchingfield that got offed by someone. Here 'tis. Not quite up to the original, but ya gotta keep plugging.


A


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