Punch The Horse - November fred

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Raggytash
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 07:19 AM

Fred is dead

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 06:19 AM

Steady on, boys and girls. And before anybody ELSE asks me, no I have no idea who he/she is.

This thread is now officially closed.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: sweetfire
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 04:20 AM

That is it you bastard, you've gone way too far this time.

You are indeed a coward, if your so big and flippin hard why dont you show your self?

oops, sorry it's dec now isn't it.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Beverley Barton
Date: 01 Dec 03 - 03:42 AM

Trumpton, you are a coward.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 08:17 PM

i agree wiyh john the piper,
Tjhornton Curtains-you are a big load of shit, and your just trying to make trubble, el ted is a proper musician, and i bet you are a crap musiciam, [nobody around here never herad of you!, so you must be crap], ps youd better watch it, if ted finds out who you are, he will sort you out.
another ps=just get lost, everybody is fed up off you moaning about spelling and grandmas etc.john

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: smallpiper
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 07:36 PM

Dear Mr Curtis

I am appauled at what you have just written (and I don't give a fig for spelling or grammar I exercise my right to choose how I speak or write, it is my choice and you are in no possition to dictate anything to me). Where was I? oh yes whilst I agree that some of the El Ted threads were meaningless to the majority of Catters, to a limited few they gave great amusement. El Ted is a very fine musician and an upstanding member of the community. The fact that he upset you in his threads is not his or anyone elses responsibility but your own. You chose to read and contribute to the threads, as indeed you have this one, therefore the responsibility is entirely yours.

I hope that you enjoy your winter in Greece with the lovely Natasha and please remember that whilst in Greece you should take lots of photographs of military aircraft. Enjoy
John

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: GUEST,Thornton Curtis
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 04:39 PM

What a week. I can take with me to Greece the fact that El Ted has stopped his multiple monosyllabic assaults on the forum and has received from me and apparently the moderators of the site sufficient warnings to alter his pattern of posting.

I imagine that his enthusiasm for contributing to the site has diminished and that he may well regret his whole introduction to the ease at which one can post here - but I'd advise him to persevere. Ted might eventually feel confident enough to make a contribution here. When he does, I'm sure I will start to read his posts and enjoy what he writes.

The El Ted threads has also lead me to identify various forms of posting and I wondered if you would allow me to illustrate them. They are:

Droppings

These are the utterances of El Ted and his associates to a tee. Droppings are monosyllabic posts that are of absolutely no use to anyone, except perhaps to a small collection of fellow droppers – normally known or related to the dropper. A dropper's posts are small nuggets of nothing, scented by the foul musky stench from illiteracy glands, normally followed by exclamation marks and characterised by a lamentably poor grasp of the English language. Droppers are hard-of-thinking and need little encouragement. They also are result –oriented and invent quantitative targets. Droppings, if produced in sufficient numbers result in complaints.

Dung

Purveyors of dung produce beautifully written, extensive posts that achieve nothing. Dung is of no interest to the majority of readers of the threads but exists merely to attest to the erudition of the poster.

Contributors of dung are as relevant to the site as purveyors of droppings. Whilst I appreciate the syntax in the dung-postings of my peers, I ask you all to stop.

Anyway, today, I have finally sold the wool shop in ….. I was going to write the name of the town then but remembered the fatwa issued by El Ted for the insult to him and his daughter – remind me Ted, what was that again? Or was it a Doppelcurtis from your circle of now embarrassed and silenced Mudcatters?

From Tuesday, I will be over-wintering in mainland Greece with the lovely Natasha. Have a great winter.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 03:08 PM

feresh

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: ossonflags
Date: 30 Nov 03 - 02:13 AM

Thank you Noreen for sharing that with us.


Another little snippet on tone raising from a world leader

here

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Noreen
Date: 29 Nov 03 - 08:42 AM

Looks like it falls to me to raise the tone of this thread.

fluffy little bunnies

...they perform familiar bedtime rituals ... and hopping in and out of bed with flimsy excuses...

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: ossonflags
Date: 29 Nov 03 - 08:36 AM

Always glad to obleege, raggy old chap.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Raggytash
Date: 29 Nov 03 - 08:13 AM

Fascinating, Thank you for sharing that wonderful memory with us

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: ossonflags
Date: 29 Nov 03 - 07:38 AM

Karen ,in my youth when I was an apprentice alcholic, I was pretty good at projecting the owld pavement pizza when appropriate.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: KJ
Date: 28 Nov 03 - 01:23 PM

I love projectile vomiting,babies have an extremely good aim.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: ossonflags
Date: 28 Nov 03 - 12:02 PM

Up strides the trusty ossonflags to lend a little dignity to the debate



with this

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: KJ
Date: 28 Nov 03 - 11:55 AM

'The Sun' is a very useful paper, it can be used to line guinea pig cages to absorb the inordinate amounts of urine they produce,put in compost bins when the compost is too wet, to wipe one's arse when there is a lack of loo paper,to catch baby sick,etc,etc. It is not,in my opinion, a good source of reference for social/cultural/economic and military issues. Can't we send it's reporters & editors out to Iraq where hopefully they might expire!

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: sweetfire
Date: 28 Nov 03 - 06:31 AM

yeah it was rather er, amusing!

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 28 Nov 03 - 06:28 AM

Glad you enjoyed that sweetie-pie

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: sweetfire
Date: 28 Nov 03 - 06:20 AM

OMG!!!

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: GUEST,Deanie Bhouy
Date: 28 Nov 03 - 05:43 AM

And here's today's little distraction....

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: GUEST,Sttaw Legend
Date: 28 Nov 03 - 05:40 AM

HPB
Copyright may be an issue but we owe it to the locals.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: GUEST,Sttaw Legend
Date: 28 Nov 03 - 04:11 AM

HPB
I can definitely feel a song beginning to develop, the story line will mature into wonderful lyrics to be performed to the nation. May-be a Christmas number one.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: GUEST,Albert Ross
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 06:35 PM

Albatross...........Albatross.................Albatross...............

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: GUEST,Pipe Sargeant Conan Wester-Ross
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 06:34 PM

Good evening to the community of Mudcat.

I was alerted to your wee problem by my cousin Seaton Ross in his search for the origins of the tune 'Bootyman's Umbrella'. It seems he wants to put something back into this place to make up for the misdeeds of that bastard brother of his.

I can't tell you that I know it as a tune, but we do enjoy it as a parlour game here in the Western Isles. Many generations ago, the Reverend Tertius Bootyman was vicar to the parish of Bute (and both names are corruptions of the word Buty) and legend has it that the vicar was a tartar for doctrine. Anyone heard to blaspheme in his earshot could expect a sharp jab in the ribs fromm his doughty umbrella. The game evolved along the lines that one player is Bootyman, and all the others take it in turn to invent double-entendres, until someone forgets the double bit, and gets a sharp clip udside the chops with the aforesaid furled umbrella. I have to tell ye that it is hilarious fun.

I'm sad I can't help with your search for the tune, but I feel sure that it is an equally ancient lament from these shores, and it warms my heart to know that it is a pipe tune. Good luck in your search.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: GUEST,The Reverend Seaton Ross
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 06:15 PM

Sir William, a thousand pardons! My wayward brother Melton has artfully avoided his medication, and sadly also his probation officer, and absconded with an expensive electronic tag to resurface in our childhood home of Lincolnshire. It is also my sad duty to inform you that his medical credentials were in fact purchased rather than studied for, and that you should urgently seek genuine medical assistance for your friend, the good Mr Curtis.

Melton was such a happy boy, and I'm at a loss to know where he went wrong. Quite how he fell from a promising undergraduate to a loathsome pornographer is a mystery and an abiding embarrassment to the family Ross. Our poor late father was hastened to the grave by the discovery that Melton's film about the tobacco industry was in fact a rather more sinister celebration of 'snuff'. It was a relief to have him safely back in the bosom of the family, albeit at a conveniently local high security home for distressed gentlefolk.

Anyway, to focus on happier things, you seem to enjoy a jolly pastoral community here. I've had a bit of a look round, and found at least one chap championing the true path. I can understand you seeking help for Mr Curtis, as the poor chap does seem eggy, but being trained to see both sides, I can also see the rather obvious cause of his irritation. I counsel that perhaps if the brethren here were a little less excited about round numbers and a little more accepting that non-Hullensians are laughing with them, then these local threads for local people would be a little corner of heaven.

Peace be with you

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Raggytash
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 03:12 PM

Damn ..........if I hadn't put that last thread on I would have been able to get the last two buckets of superheated steam at a knock down price but apparently the local sauna owner (Cuddly Cassie) beat me to them

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: ossonflags
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 03:09 PM

Or maybe.................................


this

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: ossonflags
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 03:08 PM

And now ..............................

http://www.lunaticlounge.com/stupidhumannoises/index.html

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Raggytash
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 02:49 PM

By Jove ...........I'll go to Kwik Save straight away and purchase some from their hardware counter

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: ossonflags
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 02:43 PM

Did you know that steam is the best thing for cleaning suede?

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Raggytash
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 02:41 PM

Sneaky Ossenflags, I take it my steam drive is of the Stephenson variety and not that of his rivals

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Raggytash
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 02:39 PM

Cuese this team driven item

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Raggytash
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 02:38 PM

quietly does it

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: ossonflags
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 02:38 PM

This thread is putting years on me.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Raggytash
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 02:37 PM

Possibly

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Raggytash
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 02:36 PM

Can I sneak in

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Raggytash
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 02:29 PM

just me and the mad man

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Raggytash
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 02:28 PM

Is there anybody there

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Oaklet
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 02:22 PM

Hello

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: Pistachio
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 01:42 PM

Looking forward to 'Changing your Demeanour' and seeing you in the Monks on the 7th after flogging empty bottles at the school fair(!)

No, I dont know anything about Bootymans' umbrella, nor am I responsible for all the aforementioned empty bottles - its a fund raising thing...

Happy to help get nearer the magic 300th ,perhaps intellectual dwarf could help me relocate a thread I accidently de threaded...or anyone else..please tell me how to go further back in the BS Thread history. Thanks in advance
H.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 10:49 AM

Hey, guys, try this one out for size. Michael, you're gonna love this..... Splat the M.P.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: GUEST,Intellectual Pygmy
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 10:20 AM

WOW!!!! FANTASTIC!!! 290!!!!! Keep it going, I rekkon we cud reech 300 today!!!!

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: GUEST,Clueless in Seattle
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 10:01 AM

flurrrb blurba gobble biggle collywod dingle

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: GUEST,Major Kirton Lyndsey
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 09:06 AM

Look here, chaps, I've had just about enough of this tosh you serve up as being high-minded and serious discourse of a musical nature. Monty would've taken one look at this riff-raff and had you buried up to your necks in sand, what?

I didn't get where I am today jousting with intellectual pygmies the likes of them as gather here. Anyway, I'm off to the bowling alley in Warminster with young Jade, finishing up with a romantic bag of chips for two and a game of seatbelt stirrups.

Get back on message, men.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: GUEST,Lord William Ootton
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 07:38 AM

I thought this was a music thread. Does anyone know the tune Bootyman's Umbrella?

As for the quack and his team of court officials, come off it Beauregard, we remember you when the snot dripped down your lip in Mrs Tromble's Playschool Primer for the offspring of Dispossessed Nobles.

Lady O is knee deep in correspondence these days (more in the pending tray as a consequence of an earlier suggestion that TC be given the chop)but sends her fondest wishes.

Must dash as I'm late for a tutorial on incremental ennoblement.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 07:21 AM

Just thought I'd share that with you all....it tickled me!

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 07:19 AM

9.    The Georgians will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it
and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They
will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their
appeal for compensation against the UK government will be heard.

10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good
salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high
speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy
from the UK Government).

11. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the
opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the
halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half and burn the officials.

12. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing
and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come
and live with them in Shepherds Bush, London.

13. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion,
following complaints from the RSPCA.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 07:19 AM

4.    Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition
territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly
removed by the match stewards.

5.    Two members of the South African team will claim to be more
important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst
they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

6.    The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future
years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most
important team in the tournament, won it single handedly and Hollywood will
make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.

7.    Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the
rest of the team to ransom.

8.    The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, s£xually harass the
female stewards and then run away.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: The DeanMeister
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 07:17 AM

The current World Cup competition has already been marred by complaints made
to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by
performing the Haka' before their games, which has led to the other
competing nations being asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
As a result, the IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now
agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1.    The England team will chat about the weather and drink tea before
moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how
it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in
the world.

2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before
smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.

3.    The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half
performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners bang drums & march the
Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents
dressing room.

Subject: RE: Punch The Horse - November fred
From: GUEST,Dr Melton Ross
Date: 27 Nov 03 - 07:10 AM

Sir William, whilst I thank you for your fulsome praise of my bedside manner, I would point out that neither you nor that poor wretch Curtis settled the account. You may have been under the impression you were lavishing the tender mercies of the National Health on your friend, but due to an unfortunate outcome on some experimental breast weighing therapy, my practice is no longer of Fundholding status. I can't comment on my name being removed from the Medical Register, as the matter is still sub judice, but I do assure you, Sir, that I will take any slander to law, and advise you in the strongest terms to examine your scribblings here for actionable content. That includes medicines that I may prescribe, as you devalue my professional intervention with such disclosures.

Notwithstanding the above, I trust Mr Curtis is convalescing from his rubbishing here, and pass my fond regards to Lady Ootton, and my thanks for her dignified silence through the aforementioned criminal investigation.

I remain your humble servant

Dr Melton Ross