BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004

Subject: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Jun 04 - 12:28 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

The First Joke Thread for 2004 became a little large, then people started using the Wit thread, so now I have started this thread for Mudcat Humour.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Jun 04 - 12:32 AM

Shopkeepers Competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his
own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read

BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading

LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest
sign of all over his own shop - it read...

MAIN ENTRANCE.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Nick
Date: 09 Jun 04 - 09:12 AM

Two nuns, Sister Carol and Sister Helen, are traveling through Transylvania in a car. Suddenly, a vampire jumps onto the bonnet of the car and hisses at them through the windscreen.
"Quick, quick!!" shouts Sister Carol. "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on; that will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Carol switches them on, which knocks the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Carol.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

Sister Carol opens the window and shouts: "GET THE F*** OFF MY CAR!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Jun 04 - 10:17 AM

Sign in restaurant window:

"Pie like Mother used to make -$1......
Pie like he says she made -$1.50"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Jun 04 - 06:39 AM

Without Prior Public Announcement...


The Mudcat Second Joke Thread for 2004 is back!

Which Joke Thread do you support?

Vote with your Jokes Now!


The Fooles Troupe

But I won't be able to read either thread in pages anymore easily as I have turned off the BS switch, and will now have to read such BS threads either from the "Mesages since last Visit Page" or from the Traced threads on my Personal Page.

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 14 Jun 04 - 06:21 PM

Was the World Series. Milwaukee and New York. Score was tied at the bottom of the ninth. Two men out. Relief pitcher Milt Famie was called from the locker room. He had been drinking lots of beer. He staggered to the mound. He pitched. Ball one. He pitched again. Ball two. Pitched again. Ball three. Pitched once more. Ball four. New York's winning run ran the bases. Game was over. Series went to New York.

When the depressed Milwaukee team went to the locker room, there was a very dejected relief pitcher guzzling away. One of his team mates said, "What's that in his hand?" Another fellow from the New York team replied, "Oh. That's the beer that made Milt Famie walk us."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 14 Jun 04 - 06:30 PM

My apologies. That was a joke I first heard from Pat(rick) Sky. Was reminded of it on another thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Naemanson
Date: 15 Jun 04 - 01:24 AM

My boss says he was saved from the boredom of another meeting the other day when the presenter stood up and introduced himself as Mel Walker. He entertained himself with various mental images of introductions and comments as Mel rambled on and on about some vague bureacratic bulls**t.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 Jun 04 - 05:33 AM

After Mozart passed away, the town drunk heard some strange noises coming from the grave site.

Terrified, he ran and got the priest. He bent close to the headstone and heard some faint, unrecognizable music.

The frightened priest got the town magistrate. He listened for a minute and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Symphony No. 41 being played backward. And there's the 40th ... the 39th ... 38th ..."

Then he stood up and said, "Nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jun 04 - 03:23 PM

Naemanson, forgive my denseness, but what's funny about your post of 1:24 A.M.?

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Jun 04 - 07:02 PM

Q. Why do so many people smoke after intercourse?
A. Inadequate lubrication.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 16 Jun 04 - 07:38 AM

Heard the one about the Irish man who thought England was a football team.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Jun 04 - 10:37 AM

United Flight

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Jun 04 - 10:38 AM

"Room Service"

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head
waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile.

"Good Morning sir. What a wonderful morning I'd like two boiled
eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so
over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that
has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast
that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter
straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread;
and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It
might be quite difficult."

The guest replied, "Oh? I don't understand -- that's what I got here
yesterday!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: JennyO
Date: 16 Jun 04 - 12:20 PM

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.














Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support
soon, people will think we're nuts."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 16 Jun 04 - 10:34 PM

The chicken and the egg had sex. When they were done, the chicken said, "Well, I guess we've answered THAT question."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Jun 04 - 11:33 AM

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dharmabum
Date: 17 Jun 04 - 05:15 PM

A nurse goes into a bank one Friday afternoon to cash her paycheck.
While attempting to sign the back of her check she notices that her pen isn't writing.
Upon further inspection,she realizes she's holding a rectal thermometer.
At which point she says"Oh great,some assholes got my pen"!


DB.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Jun 04 - 07:29 PM

I give up. Who is Mel Walker?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Jun 04 - 04:14 PM

The priest and the rabbi were discussing religion in the priest's office, when a choirboy came in to deliver a message from the bishop. As the boy was leaving, the priest ogled his backside and whispered to the rabbi, "I'd like to fuck him!" The rabbi, surprised, asked "Out of what?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST, TheBigPinkLad
Date: 18 Jun 04 - 06:08 PM

Q: What's the difference between a duck?

A: Well, one rides a bicycle.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Jun 04 - 06:37 PM

Said the Episcopalian to the Baptist at the ecumenical luncheon: "After all, we are both doing the Lord's work -- you in your way, and I in His."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 18 Jun 04 - 06:51 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 18 Jun 04 - 07:00 PM

That's not funny. I forgot to write the joke before I posted, and now I forget what it was.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Celtaddict
Date: 19 Jun 04 - 10:29 AM

BigPinkLad:
For decades, my (late, research-physicist) father's favorite riddle was:

What's the difference between a duck?

One of his feet is alike.



brucie: yes, it is.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 21 Jun 04 - 03:11 AM

A new fire truck will be handed over by the mayor to the fire department. There is planned also a short ecumenical religious ceremony. The local representatives of the creeds are kindly invited to perform.
The Lutheran minister: "I shall give a short sermon."
The Catholic priest: "I shall say the prayer and sprinkle the truck with holy water."
The Rabbi: "What shall I do? Maybe I could saw off a small end of the exhaust pipe?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST, TheBigPinkLad
Date: 25 Jun 04 - 06:05 PM

The same priest was seated next to the same rabbi at the ecumenical dinner later that week. When the hors d'ouvres came around, the rabbi declined the bacon-wrapped scallops.

"Come on," said the priest. "This is great, try it."
"No. we Jews do not eat pork."
"Not even a bit of bacon?"
"No."
"Never? Come on, I swear your secret will stay with me."
"OK," admits the rabbi. "I tried bacon once when I was a young man. But what about you Catholics? You don't marry, but surely you have had sex at some time?"
"Never," said the priest.
"Come on ... your secret is safe with me," said the rabbi.
"Well," said the priest. "Yes, ... when I was a teenager I had a girlfriend before I went to the seminary and we made love once."
"Better than pork, isn't it?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 28 Jun 04 - 03:47 AM

A similar one:
A priest is rambling on to a rabbi about the "superstitious Jewish custom" never to eat pork, closing his diatribe with: "When will you finally start to consume pork?"
Rabbi: "At your wedding, Monsignore."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,weerover
Date: 28 Jun 04 - 04:31 AM

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't the rabbi have been unable to eat the scallops anyway?

wr.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Bob
Date: 28 Jun 04 - 08:14 AM

A blind man went into a department store with his guide dog, stood in the middle of the store and started to spin the dog around his head. A worried shop assistant rushed over to him and said "What on earth are you doing?!" The blind man replied, "Oh, I'm just having a good look around"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 28 Jun 04 - 10:29 AM

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds.

As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm, they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." The girl took his hands and said, "Dad, I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart, and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner, killed by me own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"

"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute." Brushing the priest aside, the old man bolted upright in bed, smiling. "Did ye say prostitute? Bejasus... I thought ye said a PROTESTANT!"

[OK, maybe it's an old joke but isn't this better than the abbreviated version?]

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Jun 04 - 11:07 AM

ah yes, Jim...I truly treasure jokes and stories that are well-constructed and timed. Shortened, half-remembered, awkwardly phrased jokes are painful!~

Remember when comedians told *jokes* rather than rambling discourses about their personal life?

Now, Buddy Hackett...THERE was a joke teller!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 28 Jun 04 - 06:39 PM

A man has a ticket for a sleeper berth on a Pullman car. He offers to take the upper to a female passenger who also has a berth in the car. Shortly he is quite cold and asks the lady below if there is a blanket she might throw up to him.

She asks--"...since we won't be seeing each other again and we are here for only one night would you like to make believe we are husband and wife?"

He replies: "Sure"
She:    Well, get your own damned blanket.

Bill Hahn

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 28 Jun 04 - 06:41 PM

And since we have had the ecuminical ones---

The Titanic is about to go down and the lifeboats are about to be lowered.

The Protestant Minister says:   Women and Children First
The Rabbi:                     F###K the women and Children
The Priest:

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 28 Jun 04 - 06:45 PM

Looks like an error in my sending:

The punch line:

The Priest:       Will there be time

Looks like I screwed that one up

Bill Hahn

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 28 Jun 04 - 11:13 PM

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah, señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 29 Jun 04 - 08:09 PM

Since Cannibalism is now the topic (testicles) there is the tale of the 2 missionaries being boiled alive to feed some cannibals. ONe says to the other: What shall we do?

The other:   Don't worry I just pissed in their soup.

Drum Roll now and Tada

Bill Hahn

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dipsodeb
Date: 30 Jun 04 - 08:11 AM

2 old ladies sitting outside an old peoples home smoking a cigerette, and it starts to rain, so one old lady gets out a condom snips off the end and puts it over her fag. What's that said the other one "oh it's a condom" where do you get them from? she asks, you can get them anywhere. The next day she goes into the shop and asks for a packet of condoms, "what size asks the shop keeper? "oh any as long as it fits a camel"
:))

2 monkeys go to have a bath, one gets in and goes ooohh oohh aahh aahh, (monkey noises) and the other says well put some cold in you silly bastard.
~Debs~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Jul 04 - 09:06 AM

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wesley S
Date: 07 Jul 04 - 09:34 AM

The US Marine Corps found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight
line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Gunny who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension personnel that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice big checks the previous two
officers had received. But the old Gunny insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Gunny to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Gunny's penis and began to work back. My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Gunny calmly replied . . .."Vietnam."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Jul 04 - 09:07 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Sleepless Dad
Date: 11 Jul 04 - 04:58 PM

Was that a zen-style joke ?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 11 Jul 04 - 05:00 PM

No, a nihilistic one ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Jul 04 - 12:13 AM

A computer guy is walking down the street when he sees a frog.

The frog looks up to him and says, "Hey, listen! If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll marry you." The computer guy picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket, and walks on down the street.

A little later the frog calls out from his pocket and says, "Hello? If you kiss me then I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll marry you!"

The computer guy takes the frog out of his pocket and says to it, "Look, I'm a computer guy. I don't have time for human relationships. But it's really cool to have a talking frog."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Jul 04 - 01:49 AM

Why don't they teach donkeys to talk?

Nobody likes a Smart Ass!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Jul 04 - 12:25 PM

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely
evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted
me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the
druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say
more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now,
just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the
alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be
damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and
car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about
three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got
to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to
open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on
these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing
its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against
the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled
all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels -
the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my
head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger
back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles
on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone
is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer.

And Mister, I TOLD HER!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 16 Jul 04 - 01:13 PM

That was a really good one, uncle! Reminds me of how came that the small angels are topping the Xmas tree (somewhere in the threads).

Wilfried

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Jul 04 - 10:40 AM

"Mirror, Mirror On the Wall...."

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York City
where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special
mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the
truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie,
*POOF* one is instantly swallowed up by the mirror,
never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies
Room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm
the most beautiful woman in the world."

*POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror
and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive!"

*POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Later, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde walks into the
Ladies room, stands before the mirror and says,
"I think...."

*POOF*

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 08:30 AM

I think what made Mel Walker famous made a loser out of some people on this thread...;-)

Two major roads sat chatting in a bar when a scrawny bit of green asphalt comes in steals their drinks, knocks them back, spits at them both and storms out.

"What's his problem?" asks one shocked major road.

"Don't say anything whatever you do!" says the second, horrified, "That guy's a cycle path..."

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 10:53 AM

At a folk club one night the MC is announcing the list of guests coming to the club in the following weeks. " and next week" he says . "we are to have a tremendous guitarist from the US of A. He has been voted the Best Guitarist in America five times". The audience much impressed at this tell all their friends and next week the hall is packed and over flowing. However the guitarist is terrible and by the time the guitarist has played only two tunes all have left.
The MC is embarrassed and cannot believe what he is seeing and hearing so he picks up the promo sheet and reads it again slowly. It says in a poll of to select the best guitarist in America he got five votes.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jul 04 - 11:06 AM

An Ethnic Minnesota Joke:

Ole walks into the kitchen and finds Lena sitting at the table sobbing wildly.

"What's the problem?" he asks

She replies, "My brother Lars called to wish me happy birthday."

"So why did that upset you?" he asks.

In response she wails, "He's been arrested."

Ole asks, "What was he charged with?"

"I don't know," she sobs. "He just said he was calling me on his cell phone."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jul 04 - 11:49 AM

"Bloodthirsty Critters"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered
in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the
cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats
smelt the blood and began hassling him about where
he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep
but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and
into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and
all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all cried in an excited frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I sure didn't!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jul 04 - 09:19 PM

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end..

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, The prostitutes, the priests, the wise men! , and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch -- only she would know the answer.

The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

Finally, the last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he had to accept her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most notable of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The hour approached, Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight waited him! The most beautiful woman he had never seen lay before him!

The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch?

Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?
v
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v
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.


Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

THE MORAL IS:




IF A WOMAN DOESN'T GET HER WAY,

THINGS GET UGLY.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Jul 04 - 09:22 PM

I think I'm going to need a cultural translation for this one...

Boat for Sale

Thibodeaux was driving his car past Boudreaux's house and saw a Sign that read: "Boat For Sale". Thibodeaux marches up to Boudreaux's
front porch and wraps hard on the door and Boudreaux opens it.

Thibodeaux say, "Boudreaux! How long we ban frands?"

Boudreaux say, "Well... All our lives Thibodeaux."

Thibodeaux say, "Why don't you told me you gotta boat?"

Boudreaux say, "I ant gotta boat!"
Thibodeaux say, "Da' sign say 'BOAT FOR SALE'".

Boudreaux say, "OH-NO Thibodeaux! See dat old '72 Frd pickem'up truck over-dare."

Thibodeaux say, "Yas, I see dat old pickem'up truck."

Boudreaux say, "See dat '76 Cheverloet Ce-dan."

Thibodeaux say, "Yas, I see dat Ce-dan."

Boudreaux say, "Well, dey boat for sale."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 22 Jul 04 - 10:43 AM

Outsourcing

Washington DC - Congress today announced that the Office of President Of the United States will be outsourced to overseas interests as of July 30th, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save $400K a year in salary, a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead. "The cost savings will be quite significant," says Congressman Adam Smith (D -Wash) who, with the aid of the GAO (the General Accounting Office) has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive in the world stage," Congressman Smith said.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his position. He will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting period, he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from unemployment insurance for 13 weeks.

Unfortunately, he will not be able to receive state Medicaid health insurance coverage as his unemployment benefits are over the required limit.

Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the Office of President of the United States as of July 1. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were here on student visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. Due to the time difference between the US and India, Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will be open.

"I am excited to serve in this position," Mr. Singh stated in an exclusive interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American Express call center. I always knew I could be President someday."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 22 Jul 04 - 10:49 AM

Jaysus, Freda. LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bert
Date: 22 Jul 04 - 12:19 PM

Wonderful Freda.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wesley S
Date: 22 Jul 04 - 04:47 PM

Here's a creepy one -


How do you know it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house ?


Because the big hand is on the little hand.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jul 04 - 04:53 PM

The finalists of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 09:02 AM

Thanks boys - here's another one..

By Terry Jones (Monty Pythons' Flying Circus) - appeared in the Guardian a few days ago.

For some time now, I've been trying to find out where my son goes after choir practice. He simply refuses to tell me. He says it's no business of mine where he goes after choir practice and it's a free country. Now it may be a free country, but if people start going just anywhere they like after choir practice, goodness knows whether we'll have a country left to be free. I mean, he might be going to anarchist meetings or Islamic study groups. How do I know?

The thing is, if people don't say where they're going after choir practice, this country is at risk. So I have been applying a certain amount of pressure on my son to tell me where he's going. To begin with I simply put a bag over his head and chained him to a radiator. But did that persuade him? Does the Pope eat kosher?

My wife had the gall to suggest that I might be going a bit too far. So I put a bag over her head and chained her to the radiator. But I still couldn't persuade my son to tell me where he goes after choir practice. I tried starving him, serving him only cold meals and shaving his facial hair off, keeping him in stress positions, not turning his light off, playing loud music outside his cell door - all the usual stuff that any concerned parent will do to find out where their child is going after choir practice. But it was all to no avail.

I hesitated to gravitate to harsher interrogation methods because, after all, he is my son. Then Donald Rumsfeld came to my rescue.

I read in the New York Times last week that a memo had been prepared for the defence secretary on March 6 2003. It laid down the strictest guidelines as to what is and what is not torture. Because, let's face it,none of us want to actually torture our children, in case the police get to hear about it.

The March 6 memo, prepared for Mr Rumsfeld explained that what may look like torture is not really torture at all. It states that: if someone "knows that severe pain will result from his actions, if causing such harm is not his objective, he lacks the requisite specific intent even though the defendant did not act in good faith".

What this means in understandable English is that if a parent, in his anxiety to know where his son goes after choir practice, does something that will cause severe pain to his son, it is only "torture" if the causing of that severe pain is his objective. If his objective is something else - such as finding out where his son goes after choir practice - then it is not torture.

Mr Rumsfeld's memo goes on: "a defendant" (by which he means a concerned parent) "is guilty of torture only if he acts with the express purpose of inflicting severe pain or suffering on a person within his control". Couldn't be clearer. If your intention is to extract information, you cannot be accused of torture. In fact, the report went further. It said, if a parent "has a good-faith belief [that] his actions will not result in prolonged mental harm, he lacks the mental state necessary for his actions to constitute torture". So all you've got to do to avoid accusations of child abuse is to say that you didn't think it would cause any lasting harm to the child. Easy peasy!

I currently have a lot of my son's friends locked up in the garage, and I'm applying electrical charges to their genitals and sexually humiliating them in order to get them to tell me where my son goes after choir practice.

Dick Cheney's counsel, David S Addington, says that's just fine. William J Haynes, the US defence department's general counsel, agrees it's just fine. And so does the US air force general counsel, Mary Walker. In fact, practically everybody in the US administration seems to think it's just fine, except for the state department lawyer, William H Taft IV, who perversely claims that I might be opening the door to people applying electrical charges to my genitals and sexually humiliating me.

So I'm going to round up all the children in the neighbourhood, chain them and set dogs on them. I might accidentally kill one or two - but I won't have intended to - and perhaps I'll take some photos of my wife standing on the dead bodies, and then I'll show the photos to the other kids, and finally, perhaps, I might get to find out where my son goes after choir practice. After all, I'll only be doing what the US administration has been condoning since 9/11.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 11:01 AM

Thats all very fine freida,but if the kid knows where the next suicide bomber is to strike and because you don't want to scare the poor darling or humiliate him,my son dies,then I fail to see the fucking humor in this.
Its a war frieda, in case you hadn't noticed. Its all about killing people and breaking things. When you finally kill enough, it stops.
It's not moral, its not nice ,it's not fair, and it sure as hell is not funny.Try being in one sometime.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 11:20 AM

hi guest

any further discussion should go somewhere else, not on a joke thread, but because you're a guest i can't pm you. no, i don't support suicide bombers, and i care about the young people who are there in the front line.

i have had a lot of experience with interviewing and , yes, interrogating people, including human rights violators, and have worked with interrogators who use a lot of different "techniques" including various non violent forms of coercion.

if you grill someone under pressure, over a long period of time, they will say anything, after a while, whatever you want to hear. But it doesn't mean a thing, and "intelligence" gained through coercion is often a load of crap. coercion is the sign of an inept interviewer, in my opinion, all that person will extract from a subject is their own projected prejudices.

to me, torture is the last method for someone with no understanding of the person they are interviewing - understand the person's language, culture, religion, politics and you will gain so much more.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 08:31 PM

Anonymous GUEST of 23 Jul 04 - 11:01 AM - gutless cause you wouldn't use a handle so we can't PM you - take your cause into a new BS thread - this is a joke thread. If you continue to post in this line in this thread, I will ask that your posts be transferred to a new BS thread for discussion (if anybody else wants to join you) of the political matters you raise.

Some of the jokes we like here are satirical. I suspect you may work for the CIA or some other US Govt Dept (or for the Political Far Right), and are merely trying to suppress independent intelligent discussion of the US Government actions & policy: and that your apparently inept grammar, punctuation and spelling is a ruse to convince us somewhat self-educated folks of your sincerity in that you are a poor uneducated ignorant unsophisticated cretin.

The whole point of the Python Satire is to make precisely the points you have said, which if you are genuine, means that your brain has been trained to not think for yourself, but merely regurgitate the force fed US Govt propaganda line that the end always justifies the means. Unfortunately, for those of us who can think independently, this means that, like the animals in the last chapter of 'Animal Farm' who could see no difference between the men and the pigs in the end, we can see not much difference between the methods of the sides in this alleged "war'.

Keep it up Freda, us Aussies apparently need to show our US "Allies" what the true meaning of 'Free Speech' is.

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 23 Jul 04 - 11:42 PM

I'm with Freda and Foolestroupe.

Bruce Murdoch

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 03:11 AM

look, ft & brucie, thanks, but i'm not "against" guest. he/she obviously has a son fighting over there and is worried - as any of us would be in that circumstance. I'm with you all.

x best wishes

freda

ps lets get another joke on here - we need it!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: JennyO
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 03:26 AM

OK, here it is:

                              THE THREE LITTLE MOLES

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,
"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
"Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but
can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can
smell is ...



Scroll down.......













Get ready.....



















Are you sure you're ready?












You may never forgive me for this one...
















MOLASSES!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: JennyO
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 03:32 AM

But wait, there's more - two for the price of one:

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For
example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and
Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of Government experts, it recently announced that
it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud,
dixafix, and of course, ibepokin ...



                            ----====####====----



She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him
for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord - they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbour, one mourner quietly asked "Which one do you think
he means - her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbour replied, "I think he means her legs."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 24 Jul 04 - 09:28 PM

That may be so, Freda, and if so I understand. My agreement with you and Foolestroupe was not meant to 'gang up' on the guest. Simply it was to indicate agreement with what you both had written. OK?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Jul 04 - 05:36 AM

COOKING BEANS

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BB's in the other. He tripped and the BB's, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.

Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 25 Jul 04 - 05:55 AM

What is a BB gun?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Jul 04 - 07:11 PM

BB Guns

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 10:43 AM

Like an AA gun, only smaller?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 10:45 AM

And while we are on the subject of weapons, did you know that swords are classified by size in roman numerals?
King Arthur had the Grand daddy of 'em all, his was a size ten.....










or.........







X calibre!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: JennyO
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 12:21 PM

BIG GROAN!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 05:33 PM

A BB is a small metal ball, (maybe 1/4 inch in diameter?), which is propelled from the air gun by a blast of compressed air. I must say, from the URL given above, they make 'em a lot more realistic looking than when I was a kid, 55 years ago!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 06:27 PM

The standard BB is .177 caliber, as are the lead pellets used in some of the same air or spring guns.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Jul 04 - 10:36 PM

Why did de calf walk around de rear end of de cow?

To get to de udder side.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 27 Jul 04 - 08:37 PM

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife , and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 27 Jul 04 - 08:39 PM

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours.

The Creationist said: "Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"

"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Jul 04 - 06:48 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 12:58 AM

A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He
shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to
prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if
you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll
give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten
minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm
still waiting."

His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine
just released from active duty and newly registered in the class -
walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent
him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At
first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young
Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell
silent... waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young
Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and
could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do
that?"

"God was busy. He sent me."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,peedeecee
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 06:54 PM

The minister asked the congregation to raise their hands if they would
forgive their enemies.

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

About 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Henry, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Henry, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Henry, please come down in front and tell the

congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said,

"I outlived those bitches!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Aug 04 - 10:25 PM

       
        Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After  thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. W

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


        Corporate Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one. "

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 3

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Corporate Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 06:33 AM

The little girl returned from church deeply musing on the sermon, in which the preacher had declared that animals, lacking souls, could not go to heaven. As the result of her meditation, she presented a problem to the family at the dinner table, when she asked earnestly:

"If cats don't go to heaven, where do the angels get the strings for their harps?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Aug 04 - 09:15 AM

Sent to me:

A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.

A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 04:25 PM

An old farmer—who is known to be a hypochondriac—complains to his doctor:

"I cain't taste nothin'. I cain't ever tell the truth. And my memory is goin' bad besides."

The doctor goes out to his chicken coop, fetches some chicken droppings, rolls it into little balls, and puts them in a medicine bottle. He gives the bottle to the farmer and tells him to take one pill immediately, and chew it up carefully.

The old man does so, and says, "Hey! That tastes just like chicken shit!"

The doctor says, "Well, your sense of taste is pretty good. And you can tell the truth as well as anybody. Now, if you ever feel like you're losing your memory again, you just take another one o' them pills!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Aug 04 - 08:39 PM

Ah - I am enlightened!

"Into every mouth, a little chicken shit must fall"

Which probably explains why we get Blessed with posters like Fartin' Gibbers-on.....

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 10:15 AM

There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down
the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that
didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I
can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my
chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat
on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So
they were driving down the road and they came around
this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there
called the police and told them what happened.

The police asked him, "Are either of them showing
any life signs?"

The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I
turned his head around the right way."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 06 Aug 04 - 03:24 PM

Whales


A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, 'Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.'

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, 'Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.' At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

'Look', she said, 'I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 10 Aug 04 - 09:32 AM

From The Bookseller, 6 August - Bent's Notes

The article was about the 2004 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, organised by
San Jose State University:a prize for seriously bad writing.

A "dishonourable mention" in the puns category went to Tim O'Leary for this:
'As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los
Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he heard a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be 17 inches long", to which Reynaldo replied, "Do you know the weight, too, San Jose?"


RtS
(I'll get me serape...)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 10 Aug 04 - 02:46 PM

Three black men, all naked. The middle one's penis is white.
Now what?

They are mining in a coal pit.
The middle one was at home for lunch.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Sooz
Date: 11 Aug 04 - 11:36 AM

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the
level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators.
Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock
him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are   great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake.
He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping
him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Aug 04 - 04:06 PM

Old, but I was reminded of it... by an earlier joke...

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Aug 04 - 05:16 PM

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just
dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our
anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package
and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled
"Compliment?"

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a
lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would
you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging
from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your
figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted. "I haven't
added them up yet."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Aug 04 - 09:43 PM

Jesus Saves.

The Devil Invests.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 11 Aug 04 - 09:55 PM

And the Mongol hoards.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,freda
Date: 12 Aug 04 - 12:25 AM

a woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon
a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and
lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if
she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry
three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish
genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the
Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love
Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about
world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be
reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands
of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for
five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't
think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never
been able to find the right man. You know, one that's
considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the
house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my
family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good man."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Let me see that map again."

 

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Naemanson
Date: 12 Aug 04 - 12:57 AM

I read the following in the Palauan newspaper:

An out islander comes to Palau for the first time in his life. His grandson takes him to a baseball game, something he has never seen before. As the game progresses the grandson explains the rules to the old man. He really starts to enjoy himself and loves to yell encouragement to the runners. When one of the batters drops his bat and starts to walk to first base the old man shouts at him to run. The grandson explains that the man is walking because he has had four balls. At that point the old man shouts, "Walk proudly, son, walk proudly!"

Another old man coming in from the remote area story:

The old farmer had been working his farm in the remote corner of Maine all his life. He'd always been a subsistance farmer, making or growing all his food, clothing, and tools. Finally he comes into the city and wanders into a supermarket.

The first thing he sees is a pile of boxes labled "Pwdered Milk". He sees with great joy that all you have to do is add water. He imagines life without the milk cows. No more rising at dawn to feed, no more milking twice a day, no more mucking out the barn. He wanders on and sees a display of powdered eggs. He imagines no longer keeping hens, no more collecting eggs, no more defending them from predators, no more feeding and repairing the coop. But then he sees the display of baby powder and realizes that the old ways are indeed the best.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: el ted
Date: 12 Aug 04 - 03:46 AM

99

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: el ted
Date: 12 Aug 04 - 03:46 AM

100. It's mine!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 12 Aug 04 - 10:15 AM

hi ted - still ten to go and you'll get the Nelson!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 12 Aug 04 - 10:45 AM

Did you here about the man who's an Agnostic, Dyslexic Insomniac - lieing in bed all night wondering if there's a dog?

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshippers who sold their souls to Santa?

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: belter
Date: 12 Aug 04 - 05:51 PM

A little boy and a little girl are naked. The litle girl noticing the boy's penis askes, "Can I tuch it?". The boy says "I don't think so, you already broke yours off."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: fogie
Date: 13 Aug 04 - 12:57 PM

2 T-shirts seen at Sidmouth-
B A T = bigots against tolerance (We don't stand for much!)
What if the Okey kokey is what it's all about?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Aug 04 - 01:30 PM

I saw an update, where the dyslexic agnostic paranoid schizophrenic insomniac lies awake wondering if a dog is out to get him...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Aug 04 - 07:27 PM

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From
there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Aug 04 - 07:43 PM

there was tour being given in a rubber products factory.

The guide pointed at a machine that was going "thump-whoosh, thump-whoosh, thump-whoosh"
"This machine makes rubber baby-bottle nipples", said the guide.
"What is that strange sound?", asked a tourist.
"Well, the 'thump' is the locking of the mandril around which the nipple is formed, and the 'whoosh' is a set of needles on a spindle firing up to poke the holes in the tip of the nipple."

so, they go on and come to a machine going "thump, thump, thump, thump...whoosh"

"This machine makes condoms." said the guide.

"The sound is different", says the tourist

"Yes, the 'thump' is the locking of the mandril where the machine recieves warm latex which is then cooled quickly to form the condom."

"But...there's a 'whoosh' here too sometimes..." wonders the tourist.

"Well, every fifth one, a set of needles pops up and pokes holes in the tip."...admits the guide.

"Oh! I'd think that would be bad for the condom business!"

"Yes...but it sure is good for the nipple business!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 01:46 AM

What about a clean linguistic one?

A class from the Bronx is visiting the zoo. In the birdhouse little Paddy cries out: "Oh, look, the boidies!"
The teacher: "Oh no, Patrick, they are not boidies - they are birdies."
Paddy: "But they choip like boidies!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 02:05 AM

A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a deceased man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held way back in the country and the young preacher got a flat tire on the way there and found out his spare was also flat. It took a while to catch a ride to the nearest service station to repair the tire and get back to the car.
   In the meantime, he had forgotten most of the directions to the burial site. He drove around for a while looking for it till he spotted it across a field. Arriving an hour and a half late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight--tired of waiting and long gone probably. The two diggers were off to the side, eating lunch.
   The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place. Wasting no further time, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service.
   Walking back to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his mishap and resultant tardiness.
   As he got into his car, he overheard one of the diggers talking to the other... "I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years, and I ain't never seen anything like that before."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Walrus
Date: 20 Aug 04 - 11:51 AM

Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere:

A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?". The pigmy said "Yes."

The hunter asked "How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?" said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied: "There's about 90 of us.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 22 Aug 04 - 12:54 PM

In the mess the officers are discussing the question whether sexual intercourse involves more work or more fun.
The old staff officers vote unanimously for 80% hard work and 20% fun.
The captains are for 50% work and 50% fun.
The young lieutenats are for 20% work and 80% fun.

So they decide to ask an orderly. The orderly says: "No work, all 100% fun."
Asked why? he answers: "If there was a little bit of work in it, we enlisted men would have to do it.

And nr 111 again.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:52 PM

"The Pretzel Hold"

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the
wrestling event.

It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American
for the gold medal. Before the final match, the
American wrestler's trainer comes to him and says,
"Now don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match because of this
"pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him
get you in this hold. If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match . . . the American and the Russian
circle each other several times looking for an opening.
All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing
the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel
hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd,
and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows
all is lost. He can't watch the ending.

Suddenly, there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd,
and the trainer raises his eyes just in time to see the
Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits
the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses
on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer is astounded. When he finally gets the American
wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that
hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when
he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened
my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.
I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of
strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just
as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get
when you bite your own nuts!"

----------

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Aug 04 - 01:53 PM

"The Indian and Coffee"

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand
and leading a bull in the other. He says to the waiter,
"Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the
Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in
one gulp, grabs the bull, blasts it with the shotgun, then
walks out.

Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in
one hand And leading another bull in the other. He walks
up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from
the last time you were in here. What the heck was all that
about, anyway?"

The Indian says, "Me in training for Executive Management
job. Drink coffee, shoot the bull, and disappear for a few days."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Aug 04 - 02:14 PM

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and suprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something....!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl)

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know....I haven't had a cold all winter."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Pepto Dismal
Date: 31 Aug 04 - 03:04 PM

A Senator's Choice: Heaven Or Hell

While walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem to address. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance he sees a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening attire.

They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the doors reopen on heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 01 Sep 04 - 09:02 PM

"I Can Catch Him"


John, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells John, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to John, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

John keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and John runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

John does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Sep 04 - 09:29 PM

OUCH!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: HuwG
Date: 01 Sep 04 - 10:11 PM

An executive is at work in an office. Something urgent crops up, and he realises that he will have to work late. Being a considerate sort, he telephones home to let his wife know that he will be late. A little boy answers the telephone, "Yeth ?"

"Hello, son. Where's your mommy ?"

"She'th upthtairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

The man thinks to himself, "The bitch!". Then he recovers and says, "OK son, I want you to do me a favour. I want you to go to the foot of the stairs and shout, 'Daddy's home', as loud as you can. Then come back to the phone and tell me what happened."

There is a clunk on the line as the receiver is put down, and some vague noises off. Then the little boy picks up the receiver again. "I did what you thaid, and Mummy thtarted thcreaming, and Uncle Fred jumped out of the bedroom window without any clothes on, and landed in the thwimming pool."

"Well done, son. Hang on ! Swimming pool ? I haven't got a swimming pool ! Is that Hadfield 43278 ... ?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Sep 04 - 02:40 AM

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, gobbling one candy bar after another.
   After the fifth one, an elderly man on the bench across from him said, "Son, don't you know eating all that candy isn't good for you? It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
   Little Johnny replied, "You know, mister, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
   "Oh?" replied the man. "And did your grandfather eat five candy bars at a time?"
   "No" replied Little Johnny, "but he minded his own f**kin' business."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Sep 04 - 10:54 AM

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are four religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters d.Catholics don't recognize any of the above.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks , so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 02 Sep 04 - 11:32 AM

People who ride bikes are called cyclists but people who ride motorcycles are called bikers. Why?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Sep 04 - 12:21 PM

For the same reason we drive on parkways and park on driveways, eat jumbo shrimp, and download updates.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Sep 04 - 08:11 PM

"Memory Test"

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times
three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn.
What is three times three?"

"Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's
three times three?"

"Nine", says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from
Tuesday."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 03 Sep 04 - 03:49 AM

A story my bus driver told me yesterday during a break:

His mother-in-law told the family proudly: "I've lost two kilograms of weight!"
His daughter asked: "How did you do it, grandma? Did you shave your legs?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Sep 04 - 06:49 PM

The following is a real ad from a newspaper which
appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly
trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing
machine for sale. Phone [phone] after 7 P.M. and
ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine
for sale cheap. Phone [phone] and ask for Mrs. Kelly,
who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls because of
the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The
ad stands correct as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has
one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone [phone]
after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY : I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for
sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the
phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with
Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper
but she quit!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 04 Sep 04 - 10:40 AM

Five minutes before the big concert starts, the conductor sees his clarinetist with lots and lots of clarinet pieces, hectically trying to reassemble the instrument.
The conductor asks: do you think it is a good moment for taking the instrument apart? Only five minutes to go!

The clarinetist looks up and says: "I didn't take it apart, it was the viola player!"

Conductor goes to the viola player: "Why did you do that?"

Viola player: "For revenge! The clarinetist put one of my viola strings out of tune!"

Conductor: "But that is no reason to take the clarinet apart completely!"

Viola player: "I only did it when the clarinetist didn't tell me WHICH string ..."

;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 04 Sep 04 - 10:52 AM

Why are bagpipe players always walking around while playing?
Because it is harder to hit a moving target ;-)


A new conductor at the orchestra rehearsal. Again and again he interrupts and let the musicians play from beginning again. After a while, once again interrupted, the first violinist stands up and says: "If you interrupt one more time, we will play exactly as you conduct!" ;-)


What is a saxophonist who can play an alto and a tenor saxophon? He is bisaxual ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: JennyO
Date: 04 Sep 04 - 11:49 AM

I always thought the bagpipe players walked around to get away from the noise ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 04 Sep 04 - 12:53 PM

A rock musician, a blues musician and a jazz musician talk about what they did with last year's income.
The rock musician: "I bought a big house in Miami"
The blues musician: "I bought a cotton farm in Memphis"
The jazz musician: "I bought a woollen sweater at Woolworth, for 49.95!"
The other two: "And what about the rest of the money?"
The jazz musician: "My mum helped me out with it" ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 08:22 PM

This one turned up in one of the hundred Spa, I receive on a daily basis, and I occassionally preview one at random in Mailwasher. Looks like a new tactic to get people to open the Spam. What was the product? Dunno - didn't look!
~~~~~~~~~~~~`

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 08:33 PM

What's the difference between the Mudcat & the Boy Scouts?

The Boy Scouts have Adult Supervision!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 07 Sep 04 - 08:42 PM

Why do bagpipers have at least one more IQ point than horses?

So they don't shit during parades.


Well, why do they wear kilts?

Just in case they do.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 02:34 AM

A married couple from Alaska decides to flee the cold winter for two weeks and spend some days in Florida. For work reasons the wife can only fly a day later than her husband.

The husband arrives at the hotel, checks in and finds everything ok. He goes to the hotel's internet terminal and sends an email to his wife - unfortunately mistyping the address. Thus the mail never reaches his wife.

A widow in Los Angeles returns from her husband's burial. Expecting some condolence notices, she checks her emails.
While reading the first email, she faints and falls to the floor.
Her son rushes to her and looks at the computer monitor where he reads:

To: my beloved wife
From: your husband far away
Subject: Arrived safely!

I have just arrived and checked in. Everything is well prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I am looking forward to seeing you again! I hope your voyage will be as comfortable as mine was.

PS: it is extremely hot down here!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 05:35 PM

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Lighter
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 07:28 PM

When I heard the one about "adult supervision," it compared the Boy Scouts with the U.S.M.C. Maybe 20 years ago. It's also in "Full Metal Jacket" if IRC.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Sep 04 - 10:54 PM

I've heard it applied to The SCA as well, where they like to dress up in leather & steel and hit each otheer with sticks...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 05:13 AM

Heard it some 30 years ago, with the army. The Boy Scouts have adult leaders. Just the right question to entertain brown bar lieutenants.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 10:26 AM

A friend and I were talking about an acquaintance friend who never seemed to have a sex life; I asked if he was a closet homosexual perhaps, and my friend said no, he just doesn't have sex - he's not homosexual, he's homogenous.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: katlaughing
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 02:30 PM

Not a joke, really, but fun. It may not stay up for long, so check it out NOW: Find the humping dog

It may take a few seconds as there are photos.

Too funny!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 07:10 PM

Picture, if you will, a mountain high on top of the world
with a sharp cliff that provides an excellent jump to your
death. There are three men standing by this cliff and
remarking at what a long way down it is.

Suddenly, a good fairy appears and says: "Good gentlemen,
I will give you one wish. As you jump off this cliff, call out your
wish, and I will grant you your wish and safe passage to
ground level."

So, the first man, who by the way was Italian, took a running
start and jumped off the cliff. As he plummeted to almost
certain human death, he called out, "An IROC CAMARO with
big fuzzy dice hanging in the window and a gorgeous girl to
go along."

And just as the good fairy promised, he landed safely in
between his new "car" and gorgeous blond girl, where he
proceeded to run from one to the other, not knowing which
one to kiss first.

The second man, being an East Indian by the name of Raj,
saw what happened to the Italian Stallion and ran off the cliff
happily screaming with his distinctive accent: "Riches and fame."

It was a short and simple request, but that was all the English
he could handle while jumping off a cliff. Well, low and behold
as he reaches the bottom safely he is swarmed by dozens of
adoring fans, while a limousine full of money arrives to pick
him up.

Well, the last fellow was a short, stout fellow from a faraway
place (fill in a desired location of ridicule here). The person was
so impressed at how the other two gentlemen had prospered in
life that he gave grave and careful thought to what he would
say as he plummeted off the cliff at break neck speeds. So,
he began to run, and just as he neared the edge of the cliff he
tripped on a stone and fell off the cliff, yelling with disgust:

"Shit!!!"

And thus, he safely landed.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 07:11 PM

"Three Travelers"

Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian,
were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne. The
Russian man put his hand out and reached down into
the clouds.

"Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few days later the African man put his hand through
the clouds.

"Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.

"I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more days later the American put his hand
through the clouds.

"Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and
the African were amazed.

"How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them
to see. "My watch is missing."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 09 Sep 04 - 08:59 PM

Still there Kat ... Arf! Arf! Aroooooooo!

Always scrutinise photos you plan to put up on the web with an intense scrut, as Spike Milligan used to say. I once saw a photo of a shiny kettle for sale on Ebay - the guy was taking the photo in the nude. I have often wondered since whether that was meant as some sort of coded message - maybe he was a terrorist - I was certainly terrified!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Juan P-B
Date: 10 Sep 04 - 04:47 PM

There are three types of people - Those who can count and those who can't

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Juan P-B
Date: 10 Sep 04 - 04:48 PM

There are 10 types of people

Those who understand binary and those who don't

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: frogprince
Date: 10 Sep 04 - 09:18 PM

Kat, thanks for the dog link. LOL

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 10 Sep 04 - 09:28 PM

BFG - the third type of people DO count...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,peedeecee
Date: 16 Sep 04 - 04:32 PM

A joke too good to keep...

A business man got on an elevator: When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, Its' Thursday.'"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wesley S
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 10:33 AM

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: frogprince
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 01:46 PM

I arrived on Guam, with orders to a tender that usually sat tied up in the harbor there. The divions Chief Petty Officer took me around for orientation. He pointed out a large barrel setting a few yards away on the pier. "Now we all realize", he said, "that we suffer from a severe lack of women around here. So, on any day except Thursday, you can go out there and stick it in a hole you'll find in the side of that barrel". "But", I asked, "why not on Thursday?"
       "Because that's your day in the barrel".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: frogprince
Date: 17 Sep 04 - 02:08 PM

oops,That's "the division's Chief Petty Officer"..

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 18 Sep 04 - 06:59 PM

(I got this in German, I hope the translation is ok)

George W. Bush has a heart attack and he dies.
He comes straight into hell where the devil is expecting him already.
Says the Devil: "I don't know what to do - you are on my list, but there is no free room.". He thinks for a while and then says:
"Ok, that's what I will do: I have three lesser sinners - I will let you choose which one of these will go free so you can take his room!".

George thinks: "Sounds good"

First room, Devil opens the door. Ronald Reagan can be seen in a huge swimming pool, diving in, getting out, diving in again ...
George says "No, I do not really like swimming."

Second room, Devil opens the door. Inside is Richard Nixon, knocking rocks with a big hammer.
George says: "No, I do not like physical work."

Third room. As the Devil opens the door, George can see Bill Clinton, with hands and feet tied to the bedposts. On him is Monica Lewinsky doing for what she got well known.

George can't believe what he sees.
He says to the Devil: "That will be my room!".

Says the Devil into the room: "Good news for you! You are free, you can go, Monica!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Sep 04 - 03:50 AM

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount.


Corporate alternatives include, but are not limited to:


1. Buy a stronger whip.

2. Change riders.

3. Say things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."

4. Appoint a committee to study the horse.

5. Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increase the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appoint a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Create a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Compare the state of dead horses in today's environment.

10. Change the requirements, declaring that "This horse is not dead."

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declare that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Provide additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a Case Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say that this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 19 Sep 04 - 05:36 AM

Apache tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding Foolestroupe, the ONLY strategy is to dismount!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Sep 04 - 09:47 AM

... as someone here discovered the hard way - you should never argue with a fool - at best you end up with two fools arguing.... m:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 10:33 AM

Count Dracula is out on the pull in Dublin.

He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading home, walking along Grafton Street, sometime before sunrise.

Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head.

He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll.

Mmmmmm, he thinks, what's going on here?

A few yards further and.... Bang. Smacked on the head again!

He whirls round as quick as he can. Nothing.

Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!

A few yards further along the street and... crash! Smacked on the back of the head again!

He whirls round as quick as he can. Nothing. He's getting really angry now.

Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground.

He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a sudden tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can.

He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle.

On the ground, dying, he looks up and sees a young female.

With his dying breath, he gasps: "Who the hell are you?"

The girl smiles: "My name is Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 08 Oct 04 - 06:19 AM

Miriam, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Finchley in north west London.

She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish? (understand Yiddish)" The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay (I understand)."

Miriam then says, "Vot Time is It?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 08 Oct 04 - 07:29 AM

A LIVERPOOL LOVE STORY
A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Oct 04 - 09:17 AM

ROFLMAOWTIME...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: katlaughing
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 12:47 AM

A love story

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound
coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming
sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents
and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this
time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the couch.

"What the hell are you doing?" She asked.

He replied, "Watching football with my son-in-law.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 03:17 AM

Wilfried - I laughed out loud at your "chirp like boidies" joke - it was the funniest thing I'd heard in ages. I told it to everyone I know. Only one person laughed. What is wrong with them??!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 04:52 AM

Kate - nice to read your praise.
What is wrong with them??! - May be you and me are insightful linguists, and others are far from it.
Next year in France?

Cheers
Wilfried

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 09:49 AM

Two Women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first woman.

"How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman.

"You get the shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died. "The second woman shakes her head.

"That's so ironic," she says. "What do you mean?" asks the first woman. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 09:52 AM

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live.

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news but was of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

There, he saw his son who had been waiting.

O'Malley said, "Well, son. We Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head down to the pub and have a few pints. After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber.There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his riends, "I've got AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said you were dying from cancer! You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 09:56 AM

Velcome to Verizon

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off.
He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck da party!"
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."
He says, "Vat do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!"
And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."
He says, "Vy?"
"Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?"
He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28.
Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago. I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"
She says, "Yes?"
"Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 10:04 AM

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION:

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:

"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:

"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to CRY about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:

"Will you LOOK at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:

"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:

"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:

"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 10:13 AM

There was this Irishman in New York who went into a building site and asked for a job.

"All right now," says the foreman, "we'll have to test your knowledge of building structures. Can you tell me the difference between a girder and a joist?"

"Ah,that's a tricky one...wait...I know~! Girder was a German poet, and Joist was an Irish novelist!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 10:18 AM

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 10:25 AM

one more from the secret stash for today:
----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Dr. Ruth,


I am writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have married a sex maniac. For the past 12 years he makes love to me regardless of what I am doing. I can be ironing, cooking, cleaning, sweeping, cleaning the cat box, etc.

He just comes right at me and won't be dissuaded for any reason. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth3/ o,, fjsl; (o ------ .lp sld mpskdlli dlks, a;ld:;' . . . . .

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 02:55 PM

Kate - on second thought: maybe you told the joke wrong?
You wrote: they chirp like boidies, but it is: they choip like boidies!
Otherwise le jocque est perdu (you see, I'm training for Niort9)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Juan P-B
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 05:10 PM

Wilfried! I agree with Kate - I have told the 'boids' joke to anyone who'll listen - Great Stuff

How About.........

Guy is told by his doctor that he only has 12 hours to live so he decides to have one last helluva party.

Calls up all of his pals and they go out on the town - Bars, Clubs, Drinking dens, you name it they partied!

About 2.00Am one of them says to the guy "I'm worn out. I'm off home to bed"

The guy replies "Hey! It's my last night on this earth - Stay and party"

His pals look at one another and say "It's OK for you! You don't gotta get up for work in the morning"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Bert
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 10:12 PM

Only one person laughed. What is wrong with them??!...

They had heard it way back in the Fifties.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 13 Oct 04 - 11:19 PM

BillD:

Thanks. Loved them. Saw the Dr Ruth joke as a Dear Abby joke before computers were the thing we wrote with. Nice to be reminded, and you pulled it off. Made my day.

Bruce M

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 14 Oct 04 - 04:06 AM

Don't worry Wilfried, I told it correctly (using "choip") - I've been practising my "poiple coitains" and "moida in da foist degwee" accent for ages.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Oct 04 - 05:10 AM

Bad Joke for Today ---


Johnny Howard got elected again.



Bad Joke for Tomorrow ---



Bush will be too...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 Oct 04 - 05:29 AM

From the thread list Page


Bush-Better On Terrorism?
Second Joke Thread for 2004

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Donuel
Date: 14 Oct 04 - 04:37 PM

Filthy, sick, demented, jokes that are licentious and vile
but may make you smile

do not click on Frog in a blender its too predictable

http://www.amazingj.com/sick.html

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,peedeecee
Date: 14 Oct 04 - 07:16 PM

That site was beyond sick, Donuel. I'm surprised you posted it.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Oct 04 - 11:42 AM

Blonde Jokes:

A young in her third year as a college freshman. Her history prof says to her, "Young lady, what can you tell us about Roe vs. Wade?" With a knowing expression on her face, she says,"That was the choice George Washington had to make when he crossed the Delaware."

Same blonde in the OB/GYN exam room. The doc says "I've got some good news. You're pregnant. Congratulations!" With a doubtful expression on her face, she said: "Are you sure it's mine?"

Again, the same blonde on a flight to London, in coach class. She gets up and goes to first class, finds a seat and takes it. A flight attendant says, "Miss, you'll have to return to coach. These seats are for passengers who have paid the proper fare." She says, indignatnly, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to London." She wouldn't budge. One by one, the entire flight crew tries unsuccessfully to get her to move back to coach, always eliciting the same response, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to London." The Captain is summoned. He asks the attendants what the problem is. He says, "I'll handle this. I know just what to do. My wife is blonde." He bends down and whispers something in the blonde's ear. She abruptly gets up and goes back to coach, not saying a word. The attendants are amazed. "What in the world did you say to get her to move, captain?" He says, "I just told her that first class wasn't going to London."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Oct 04 - 11:44 AM

Oops! My bad. I left out the word "blonde" in the first line. No, I'm NOT blonde!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Oct 04 - 01:23 PM

I saw this cartoon years ago in an issue of 'Easy Rider' magazine
Picture two bikers puttin' down the road on their Harleys. One has a little tiny head. The other says, "Bro, you really gotta get your ol' lady to lay off the Preparation H."

Another joke about a "diminutive dome."

A guy's sitting at a bar. Another dude takes the stool next to him. This dude has this really small head, which the first guy notices right off. He keeps checking this dude out, but doesn't want to say anything, for fear of offending him. Finally, his curiosity gets the better of him. He says, "Yo, dude, I gotta ask, why is your head so friggin' small?" The dude says, "Well, it's like this. I found this old rusty lamp half burried in the sand. I dug it out, rubbed it off, and out pops this drop-dead gorgeous female genie. She gave me three wishes in return for freeing her. So, first I wished for a fully loaded Bently. I always wanted one of them. Poof - there I am sittin' in the driver's seat of a brand-new top-of-the-line Bently. Then I wished for $100 million. Poof - I'm surrounded by rows and rows of neatly stacked bills. Then I got to thinkin', what more could I possibly want or need that I couldn't buy with all this money. Now, this genie was fine, I'm tellin' ya. Stone fox. Really turned me on just lookin' at her. So, while I was tryin' to think of what else to wish for, I said, 'How 'bout a little head?' Poof ... ... ..."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 15 Oct 04 - 05:31 PM

Football analysis by a blonde...

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 19 Oct 04 - 10:54 AM

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom ! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
and it's strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this ?"
pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful ? I was walking through Darlinghurst Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 19 Oct 04 - 11:00 AM

Freda, go here ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 19 Oct 04 - 05:58 PM

'Minds me of a story they tell about Willie Feeley when he was a young fella. Willie was bashful, awful bashful. Well, one day he takes a heifer over to Graves' bull. Ever'body was out but Elsie Graves, and Elsie wasn't bashful at all. Willie, he stood there turnin' red an' he couldn' even talk. Elsie said, "I know what you come for; the bull's out in back a the barn." Well, they took the heifer out there an' Willie an' Elsie sat on the fence to watch. Purty soon Willie got feelin' purty fly. Elsie looks over an' says, like she don't know, "What's a matter, Willie?" Willie's so randy he can't hardly set still. "By God," he says, "by God, I wisht I was a doin' that!" Elsie says, "Why not, Willie? It's your heifer."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 09:11 AM

During WWII - when the bombing of Berlin grew heavy - the children were evacuated to the South. A Lutheran boy was placed into a Bavarian nunnery, the nuns real darlings to the children.
One day a nun asked: "And now, what is this? It is brown, has a bushy tail, and jumps from branch to branch?"
The boy: "At home I would say it's a squirrel. But knowing this shop already I would say, it's Sweet Little Jesus again."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 09:58 AM

Hassan, an Iraqi soccer player has recently been signed up by Liverpool Football Club. At the first match, Hassan is on the bench, watching his team getting thrashed by a rival 2-0. 30 minutes from the end, the manager says "Hassan, you go on lad, see if you can turn the match". Hassan goes on, plays a blinder, scores 3 goals and Liverpool win. The crowd goes bonkers - Hassan is the hero of the hour. Photographers scuffle in front of him, kids thrust their autograph books at him, girls of all ages throw him bits of paper with their telephone number, the manager pats him on the back and offers him a raise on the spot. When he finds a little time to himself, Hassan calls his mum at home:

"Mum, I played a blinder today, scored three, we won, I am a hero, everybody loves me, I'm so happy!"

"Glad to hear YOU are happy, son, because I had a hell of a day. Your Dad has been shot at in the street, your brother joined a looting gang and your sister is on the game, I think."

"Oh, Mum, I am so sorry - I didn't know..."

"Too right you should be sorry! After all it's YOUR fault we moved to Liverpool!"

Boom-boom...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 02 Nov 04 - 06:48 PM

Martha and Edna, two widows, are talking at the Bingo Hall:

Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date . I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you, dear. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvellous dinner: lobster. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then when we came back to my apartment, he turns into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No. I'm just warning you to wear an old dress."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Sooz
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 10:14 AM

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car
break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On
regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at
her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 02:05 PM

That is VERY funny. Tears over that one, Sooz. Thank you. I'm still laughing about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Nov 04 - 04:51 PM

"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

   "We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

   By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

   Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably fifty pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was eleven, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of
fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was thirteen before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

   We didn't have a car until I was fifteen. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

   I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

   Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

   All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost seven cents a paper, of which I got to keep two cents. I had to get up at 4:00 a.m. every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the forty-two cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me fifty cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 02:27 PM

Uncle DaveO: Are you my long-lost twin? If not, how did you live my life?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: beadie
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 03:11 PM

Uncle Dave:

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: beadie
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 03:20 PM

Uncle Dave:    (sorry about the premature exclamation above)

. . . . ?? Yor telephone had a dialing mechanism ??!

Ours had a crank that you used to ring the operator and ask her (always a her) for the number you wanted to speak to. Unless, of course, you wanted someone on the party line. Then you would have to crank the appropriate ringer combination (eg. 1 long and 3 short for Mr. Olson down the road).

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 04:19 PM

We only had two tin cans and a bit of string. It was a real hassle for us kids when dad wanted to talk to the store in town to order something, as we would have to walk there with the can, keep the string taut, and then walk back with the can when dad had finished.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: frogprince
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 07:39 PM

We were so poor we only had two tin cans, and my ma and sis kept them in the bedrooms to pee in when it was too cold to walk out back to the toilet. To make phone calls, we had to knock the little wooden plugs out of the holes in the cans, rinse them out, and tie the string in. Then we had to take the string back out and plug the holes again.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 07:45 PM

One Christmas when times were very hard, I got a small toy train. It was steam powered, but we had no coal. So, my mother began cutting up the furniture. We were able to keep the little engine going for about four days, but for three years after we ate sitting on the floor.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 07:48 PM

That's really taking the ............mickey!
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 07:58 PM

Of course, you had it good. We used to dream of a tin can.
All we had was the piece of string, and we had to share that with ten other families..........

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: frogprince
Date: 12 Nov 04 - 11:03 PM

Had we only known, Dead Horse, we would have loaned you one of our tin cans. My folks always taught us to share with those who were less fortunate.
I had no hat, and felt sorry for myself, until I met a man who had no head...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 01:31 AM

How do you get a sweet little old blue-haired grandmother to say "FUCK!"?





You get another sweet little old blue-haired grandmother to say "BINGO!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 01:41 AM

We were so poor that if you didn't wake up with an erection on Christmas morning you had nothing to play with all day.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: JennyO
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 09:10 AM

This has been around before, but it seemed so apt for the way this thread was going, I just had to quote it:

When I Was A Boy
Copyright 1997 by Frank Hayes, Firebird Arts & Music (BMI)

When I was a boy our Nintendo
Was carved from an old Apple tree
And we used garden hose to connect it
To our steam-powered color tv.
But it still beat that ancient Atari
'Cuz I almost went blind, don'tcha know,
Playing Breakout and Pong on a video game
Hooked up to our radio.

And we walked twenty miles to the schoolhouse
Barefoot, uphill both ways,
Through blizzards in summer and winter
Back in the good old days.
Back when Fortran was not even Three-tran
And the PC was only a toy
And we did our computing by gaslight
When I was a boy.

When I was a boy all our networks
Were for hauling in fish from the sea--
Our bawd rate was eight bits an hour (and she was worth it!),
And our IP address was just 3.
And you kids who complain that the World Wide Web
Is too slow oughtta cut out your bitchin',
'Cuz when I was a boy every packet
Was delivered by carrier pigeon

And we walked twenty miles to the schoolhouse
Barefoot, uphill both ways,
Through blizzards in summer and winter
Back in the good old days.
Back when Fortran was not even Two-tran
And the mainframe was only a toy
And we did our computing by torchlight
When I was a boy.

When I was a boy our IS shop
Built relational tables from wood,
And we wrappered our data in oilcloth
To preserve it the best that we could.
And we carried our bits in a bucket,
And our mainframe weighed 900 tons,
And we programmed in ones and in zeros
And sometimes we ran out of ones.

And we walked twenty miles to the schoolhouse
Barefoot, uphill both ways,
Through blizzards in summer and winter
Back in the good old days.
Back when Fortran was not even One-tran
And the abacus? Only a toy!
And we did our computing in primordial darkness
When I was a boy.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Cattail (No cookie)
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 02:52 PM

brucie:

ROFLAO

Thanks for that one, you made my day.

Cheers

Cattail !

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 02:57 PM

brucie's morning glory made your day, Cattail? Ringa ding ding!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 03:22 PM

Thank you gentlemen. Just wakin' up's a good thing.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 05:37 PM

I too came from a poor family...we used to paint our feet with black gloss paint so all the other kids at school thought we had shoes on.
we used to watch for where next doors dog hid the bone the butcher gave him every week so we could dig it up to make soup.
we used to try to catch flies so we could have a leg each.
We were so poor!!!!
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: cobber
Date: 13 Nov 04 - 08:44 PM

Two old drovers were sitting in an outback pub having a beer when a well dressed stranger walked in. Eventually they can't restrain their curiosity and one walks over to check him out. It turns out that the bloke's a taxidermist. What's a taxidermist asks the drover.
"Well, basically", says the stranger, "I stuff things."
"What sort of things?"
"Well, animals, mostly."
"Strewth! Did you ever stuff a dog?"
"Oh, yes! All the time. I'm always stuffing dogs."
"What about a sheep? Did you ever stuff a sheep?"
"Oh, occasionally I get to stuff sheep."
"Yeah, well what about a cow. Did you ever get to stuff a cow?"
"Well, actually, that's what I'm here for. I'm going to stuff a cow tomorrow."
The old drover goes back to his mate.
"Well, who is he?" his mate asks.
'Oh, he's just a drover - same as us."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Nov 04 - 08:41 PM

Favorite Things, Revisited

There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP. Ms Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, Favorite Things. There were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme. Here are the new words to this tune:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.


Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

    When the pipes leak,
    When the bones creak,
    When the knees go bad,
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

    When the joints ache, when the hips break,
    When the eyes grow dim,
    Then I remember the great life I've had,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Nov 04 - 09:13 PM

Two married doctors, Doug & Bob are talking. Bob says that he is really upset to hear Doug is engaged in a sexual relationship with a patient.

I just couldn't resist says Doug, she was sooo attractive.

But Doug, replies Bob, it's unethical, and immoral, and besides, we're veterinarians.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 11:55 AM

"Globalization"

Question: What is the truest definition
of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you
change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.


This is sent to you by an American,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladesh workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 11:57 AM

"Heavenly Arrivals"

A man arrives at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room
24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven.

"Religion?"

"Islam."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass
room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass
room 8."

Finally, a woman arrives at the entrance to heaven.

"Religion?"

"Bahá'í."

"Go to room 9, but be very, very quiet as you pass
room 8."

The woman says, "I can understand there being different
rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when
I pass room 8?"

St. Peter answers her, "Well, all of the Southern Baptists
are in room 8, and they think that they're the only ones
here."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 04:19 PM

Uncle DaveO - where do you get these utterly religious jokes from?
Would like to read more of the ilk.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Nov 04 - 05:14 PM

Well, that one came to me from a commercial joke-a-day email that I get. Actually the two that I put up today came together in one email from that source.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: annamill
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 04:45 PM

A Fence Bid

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, ''Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?'' So to the back fence they all went.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ''Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ''Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ''$2,700.''

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, ''You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?''

''Easy,'' he said. ''$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.''

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 19 Nov 04 - 07:00 PM

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the barand are walking down thestreet when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pat him first".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Nov 04 - 04:55 AM

A man and a woman both going for the same job at the Zoo. The zoo keeper wanting to test them both said to the woman "Could you bravely walk into the lions cage...they have been fed....and spend a few minutes in there with them"?. With that the woman stripped off her beautiful fur coat and her underwear and walked naked into the cage. The lions converged on her and started to lick her on every part of her body!!!
The Zoo keeper turned to the man and said "Now, do you think you could do that"?
The man replied "Of course I can but get those flamin'lions out of the way first"!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Nov 04 - 08:38 PM

This one is dedicated to Martin Gibson...

A bluegrass player wandered through Chinatown, and was drawn into a small, dusty curio shop. A bell tinkled as the door opened and he nodded to the aged proprietor and browsed. In his search, he came across a porcelain statue of a large rat, which intrigued and amused him enough for him to wish to purchase it. He carefully took it to the counter and placed it down. The old proprietor spoke. "The rat is ten dollars to purchase. But there is a story that goes with it; a most intriguing story..."

The man cut him off. "I've no time right now. Please just put it in a bag, and I can be on my way."

"But you must know..." the owner started.

The man cut him off again. "I'm in something of a hurry. If I want the story, I'll come back."

The elderly man nodded, "You'll be back for the story." He placed the rat in a bag and wished him good bye as he left.

As the man continued on his way, he noticed a large number of rats; peeking from rubbish bins, nosing from doorways, scampering across his path. He mentally shrugged - any largish city has it's fair share of rats. He walked along further, looking around him every now and then, noticing more rats, some of which even began to follow him. He picked up his pace, and more rats joined the fray. The man began to jog as more and more of the furry vermin joined the group. Beginning to panic, he started to run. Thousands of rats were now chasing the running man through the city. He had a sudden idea and ran toward the bay that bounded the city, more vermin joining with each step. As he skidded to a halt at the pier, he hurled the rat figure as far as he could manage out into the bay. He stood and watched in disbelief as the many thousands of rats hurled themselves into the bay after the figure and drowned. The man turned and ran as fast as he possibly could away from there. There was only one place to go.

The bell above the door tinkled as the man staggered back into the curio shop, panting heavily.

"Ah," said the aged proprietor. "I knew you would be back for the story..."

"No," panted the man. "Bugger the story. I want to know if you have and statues of folk singers."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: MudGuard
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 05:59 AM

Foolestroope, replace bay with Liffey and folk singer with banjo player ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: HuwG
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 07:20 AM

You may recall that (Sir) Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical, "Cats" was a great hit some years ago. Webber decides to repeat his triumph with another musical, this time called "Dogs". They hold the auditions in a West End theatre. The first aspiring star goes on stage and asks, "What do you want me to sing ?" The director shouts back, "Anything you like, so long as it's about dogs."

"Ok", says the actor. "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog, cryin' all the time. You ain't nothin' but a hound dog ..."

"Thank you!", shouts the director. "We'll call you. Next !" The second actor comes on stage. "What do you want me to sing ?"

"Anything you like, about dogs."

"Right. How much is that doggie in the window ..."

"We'll let you know", shouts the director. "NEXT!" Enter the third wannabe, who asks, "What do you want me to sing ?"

"Anything you like, about dogs."

"Sure.

Strangers in the night, exchanging glances
Wondering in the night, what were the chances
We'll be sharing love before the night was through
Something in your eyes was so inviting
Something in your smile was so exciting
Something in my heart told me I must have you ..."


"HOLD IT !" shouts the director. "Before we throw you out of the theatre, would you care to tell us what that song has to do with dogs ?"


The actor shouts back, "Hang on ! I haven't got to that bit yet.

Scooby-dooby-doo, be do be do be ..."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 08:31 AM

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, 'Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?'

'I'm sure I can.' the psychiatrist replied. 'Just go over and lie face down on that couch.'

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 08:32 PM

That was later in his life, Freda. When he was younger, well, here's the story . . .

Woman on a train with her son. A drunk fellow looked at the child and said, "Lady, that is the ugliest kid I have ever seen. I didn't think they made kids that ugly." The mother burst into tears and called for the conductor. She told the conductor that she was very, very upset and wanted the drunk put off the train at the next stop. The conductor, wanting to get her settled down said, "Ma'am, just calm down. I'll go get you a nice cup of tea, and while I'm at it, I'll get a banana for your monkey!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 11:08 PM

Well, a new development in the spam today... they tagging on a few jokes at the end of the usually "Get your medications cheap" drivel.

Here's a couple from today's sampling (after correcting several spelling, punctuation and grammar mistakes):


A preacher goes into a bar and says, "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up now!"
Everybody in the place stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher asks, "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says, "Oh, when I die?... Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

*****

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.
Several minutes later,the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands a different room.
"But sir," said the clerk, "You have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525."
"Good," says the drunk.
"Would you mind telling me what's wrong with 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 07:15 AM

Two planets are passing one another in space.
One asks: "How do you do?"
The other: "Quite bad, I got a heavy virus infection."
"What is it?"
"They call it homo sapiens."
"Well, don't worry, it will be over soon!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 04:48 PM

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy... I'll do the rest."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 08:46 AM

Mrs Friedman tells the rabbi she won't be around as she's going on holiday to Nepal. He tries to get her to go to Israel instead but she won't be persuaded. On arrival, the hotel want to arrange cultural trips for her. "I want to meet the High Lama" she says. They finally get a lama to see her but she is adamant she must see the High Lama. Finally gets taken to sacred moiuntain and after getting through whole series of acolytes is finally admitted to presence of High Lama. "What have you to say to me" he asks.
Mrs Friedman says: "Irving, come home, you don't call, you don't write..."

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Walrus
Date: 27 Nov 04 - 09:00 AM

Four Americans, all with a passion for golf, friends meet up after many years apart and decide to ply a four handed game.
While one is off sorting out the green fees, the other three start talking about their children:
The first boasts "My son owns a string of car dealerships throughout Nevada, as generous? Only a few weeks ago he gave a friend of his a brand new, top of the range BMW".
The second looked up "My boy's in Nevada too, he runs his own construction company. Recently he gave a friend a new house, free and clear".
The third, not to be outdone pipes up. "My son is in finance, three months ago he gave a friend of his a stock portfolio worth $100 000"

At this point the fouth player returns.

"Hey, we were just talking about our kids, what's that boy of yours doing these days?"

"Oh, Donny has moved to Las Vagas, he's a dancer in a gay club"

The other players are smirking to themselves at this news

"Mind you, he's not doing too badly, in the last three months, three of his lovers have given himm a house, a brand new BMW and $100 000 worth of shares".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 07:00 PM

You may not know that many non-living things actually have a gender. For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong            buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 08:16 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Peace
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 08:17 PM

Don't know what happened to the post. Sorry. Not important anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 08:38 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 05 Dec 04 - 08:39 PM

Snap!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: freda underhill
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 07:35 AM

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?


6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mince. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mince, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?


9. Did someone mention fruitcake?

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 12 Dec 04 - 11:23 AM

And now a historic one:

Revolutionary war in Russia. A Red Army unit from Central Asia is marching to the Ural mountains, using Bactrian camels for transport of food and ammunition.
When passing a small village, a peasant woman, seeing the camels, exclaims:
Look, what the damned Bolsheviks have done with the horses!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 03:41 AM

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies


-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.



-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.



-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.



-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.



-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.



-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.



-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.



-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.



-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.



-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.



-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.



-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.



-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Dec 04 - 09:04 PM

A man observed a woman in the grocery store
with a three year old girl in her basket. As they
passed the cookie section, the child asked for
cookies and her mother told her "no." The
little girl immediately began to whine and fuss,
and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just
have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be
upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle.
Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy.
When she was told she couldn't have any, she
began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen,
don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll
be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at
the check-out, where the little girl immediately began
to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum
upon discovering there would be no gum purchased
today.

The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this
check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go
home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and
stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't
help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Tammy...
I'm Ellen."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 08:10 AM

"Signs You're Drinking a "Chick Beer"

Every time you have to hit the john, you find yourself
asking a friend to come along.

Warning label states: "Caution: May make butt look fat."

After a few, you find yourself arguing that figure skating
actually *is* a sport.

Your belches come out potpourri-scented.

You still cry into your eighth one, but now it's because
the guy on the next stool is wearing the same outfit.

The slogan: "Get that bloated feeling *any* day of the
month!"

The label boasts that it's this month's recommendation
from Oprah's Beer Club.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 04 - 08:14 AM

"Drinking Buddies"

One man was downing them faster than usual when
the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"

The man said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She
was a saint on earth. She went to church every single
morning, spent her days reading and quoting the
Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled
our house with religious statues and paintings, and
invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."

"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented,
"I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."

"No," the first man replied. "I strangled her."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Dec 04 - 09:32 AM

"A Letter of Apology"

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of
general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you
have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I
must have done something wrong at the office Christmas
Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital
today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way
of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to
everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and
dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the
things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware
that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese
whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you
buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of
my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too.
About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly
I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they
were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense,
I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade
on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and
we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the
rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure
you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest
thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little
prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd
have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat
lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped
through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been
killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the
false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would
make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot
of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to
the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie
quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on
the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes
me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night
after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes
and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room,
is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very
embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them
and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your
falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was
a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed
funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband
is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling
them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am
forgiven, I will do my darnest to come to the picnic......

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Dead Horse
Date: 28 Dec 04 - 03:28 PM

STATEMENT OF ACCIDENT
Sir,
While driving my bus on authorised route at approx 01:30hrs, 25. 12. 04. I was involved in an accident that resulted in several slight casualties.
I was driving towards the depot, having just set down my last passenger, when this unusual looking horse-drawn vehicle suddenly appeared in front of me. It must have fallen directly into my path, as it wasn't there a few seconds before, the road was absolutely clear, I swear.
This vehicle then proceeded to swerve and veer in a most alarming manner.
I applied my brakes, but we collided, my vehicle sustaining slight damage to the near side wing.
The other vehicle (some sort of sled) received slight damage to one of its runners.
I got out of my cab to exchange details with the other driver, an old man in a dirty red suit & white beard, who appeared to be drunk.
He swore at me and started gesticulating in a wild uncontrolled manner. His horses seemed to get upset by this, and they began to rear up & were attempting to pull loose from their harness.
These horses were rather peculiar looking, too. They each had horns stuck on their heads, and were bedecked with tinsel and ribbons, which were flying about a bit with all the excitement. The lead horse may have been drunk as well, judging by his rather reddened muzzle!
At this point, the police arrived.
Constable Joy spoke to the other driver, who said his name was Nicholas, and attempted to calm him down.
Mr Nicholas became even more agitated, saying he was very late & getting later by the second.
On being asked why he was all dirty and dishevelled, he replied "You would look a bit bloody rough if you had been stuck up a bleeding chimney for six bloody hours, mate"
Constable Joy asked Mr Nicholas if he had been drinking, to which he said he had downed a few Sherries and some Crème De Menthe, but was still able to drive, and anyway, the team knew the way.
During this time, a small crowd had gathered. One gentleman tried to calm the horses, but the lead horse bit him quite badly, and the policeman called for an ambulance.
A nice old lady then gave this horse some sugar lumps "which she always carried, just in case" after which the horse fell down, apparently drunk. The other horses then slipped out of their harness and bolted, causing a few injuries among the crowd.
The second police car took Mr Nicholas away as soon as it arrived. The ambulance took away the injured, and I went back to the depot to fill in this report.
I also submit a claim for overtime of three and a half hours.
I shall not be at work tomorrow, as I believe I may be suffering from delayed shock.
Yours sincerely,
Charlie Noggs.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: frogprince
Date: 29 Dec 04 - 10:51 PM

The answer is, "Chicken Terryaki"
What is the question?














What is the name of the oldest living kamakazi pilot?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Dec 04 - 09:19 AM

"Is There A Santa Claus?"

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research
help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January,
1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into
Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of
these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out
flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15%
of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau.

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's
91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child
in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian
household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to
park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each
of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth
(which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our
calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles
per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting
stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours,
plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,
3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the
fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves
at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run,
tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego
set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting
Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land,
conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES
the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.
We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for
comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates
enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the
same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of
energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame
almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and
create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer
team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06
times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on
Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Dec 04 - 09:04 AM

"Alcohol Warning Labels We SHOULD See"

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off
a garbage truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like a jerk.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell the same boring story over and over again until
your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying
your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at four in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to
roll over in the morning and see something really scary
(whose species and/or name you can't remember).

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading
cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter
than some really, really big guy named "Psycho."

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe you're invisible (or invincible).

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Dec 04 - 09:06 AM

First Joke Thread for 2005

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2004
From: GUEST,Rosanna
Date: 30 Jan 05 - 10:37 AM

Mister Spot like cleaning.....:)