BS: Jokes about husbands

Subject: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 04:40 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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Well we had the thread "Jokes about nagging wives". What do we men do that is worthy of a joke?.
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 04:53 AM

Everything, women have many faults, men have only two, everything we say and everything we do.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 04:55 AM

I make all the important decisions in our household. Vanessa only decides what we eat, what clothes we wear, where we go on holiday, what friends we have, what house we live in and how we decorate it.

But the truly important ones are all mine: What is the family's position on the subjects of world economy, the Iraq situation, who holds the remote control etc.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: GUEST,Mingulay
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 09:22 AM

Wow, George possession of the remote control is power beyond the wildest imaginings. It must be a Greek thing, the electronic equivalent of bolts of lightning from Zeus high on Olympus (the settee). Like yourself, George, I too have the body of Greek god mine being that of Zimmus, the God of assisted shuffling. I dread to think where you got yours from.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 09:26 AM

"Women should be seen and not heard"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: freda underhill
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 09:29 AM

A man went into a pub and ordered a beer. After chatting with the woman behind the bar, he said, "where's your husband?" .. "I killed him", she said. The guy looked at her, and said "I don't believe you".

"Alright then, she said, come on out the back, I'll show you, that's where I buried him." So the man followed the woman through the pub and out the back. He looked, and beside the flower bed was a big pile of freshly packed earth with a bum sticking out.

"Why did you bury him like that" said the man.

"I needed somewhere to keep my bicycle", she said.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: open mike
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 11:34 AM

Oh, not "A" bum, but, "HIS" bum....was he a bum?

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: jonm
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 12:15 PM

In the UK, a bum is generally the gluteus maximus, more maximus in some than others, while a dishevelled vagrant is usually a tramp.

As in, the young lady who went for a tramp in the woods.....




.... but he got away.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 12:24 PM

Confucius say "Man who take woman up hill to woods, him not on level"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 01:12 PM

It's really not polite to say "bum" anymore. Preferable appellation would be "homeless person," or, if you choose to be on the vanguard: "Outdoorsman."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Cllr
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 01:21 PM

In my experience Men always get the last words in a conversation with their girlfriends or wives and those words are "Yes dear"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: PoppaGator
Date: 23 Sep 04 - 01:46 PM

Why do men fart more than women?

No woman ever kept her mouth shut long enough for the pressure to build up.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Sooz
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 11:58 AM

Is that a challenge? (Not the mouth shut bit.........)

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 02:13 PM

I suppose any "ethnic" joke can be a "husband" joke, as in, how many husbands does it take to tile a floor? Depends how thin you slice'm...

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: GUEST,Larry K
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 04:03 PM

A man dies and goes to heaven.   There are two lines to get in.   One says henpecked husbands and it is miles long.   The other says non henpecked husbands and only has one person it it.   He is confused as to which line to wait in.   Therefore, he goes to the one person in the non henpecked line and asks him- "how come the other line is so long.   Why did you go to this line"?   He says "my wife told me to wait in this line"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 05:40 PM

THE CONCERNED HUSBAND



"Is there a woman here in need of assistance?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door.

"Yes," replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife. She has an electric vibrator lodged in her."

"Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital," the medic replied. "Those things can be tricky to remove."

"Never mind," said the husband. "It can wait. We have an HMO which doesn't allow Emergency Room visits except for life threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least turn it off? It's interfering with the TV."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 05:42 PM

Husband Jokes (search engines are wonderful devices!)

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it
all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

***

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."

***

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 07:36 PM

She said "Darling, I want you to make the earth move under me tonight" He replied "Where the heck will I get a JCB at this time of the night"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: open mike
Date: 24 Sep 04 - 07:51 PM

what's a JCB? some sort of earth mover? like a bull dozer?
or caterpillar tractor?

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 03:25 AM

Yes earth moving machine. with a digger on an arm

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: MudGuard
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 04:47 AM

Help please, my English is not sufficient for this:

We have an HMO which doesn't allow Emergency Room visits

HMO? Is it something to do with health insurance?

a tube of KY jelly

What kind of stuff is it? What is it used for if it is not put on door knobs?

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 04:50 AM

KY jelly to facilitate entry and lubrication whilst having intercourse

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: MudGuard
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 07:07 AM

Thanks Georgiansilver (I don't think we have the product under this name here in Germany).

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Chris Green
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 07:22 AM

An Italian, a Frenchman and a Brummie are discussing marital relations. The Italian boasts "When I make love to my wife she rises an inch of the bed in ecstasy." The Frenchman says "That's nothing - when I make love to my wife she rises a foot off the bed. " The Brummie says "When I make love to my wife, I wipe my willy on the curtains and she hits the roof!"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 10:59 AM

So on their honeymoon night he took off his trousers, threw them to her and said "Put those on"!!!! She said "I can't wear those"!!!!!
He said "You just remember that"
She then removed her panties(without squirrels in I must add) and threw them to him saying "Now you put those on"!!!!
He said "I can't get into them"!! and she said "AND YOU REMEMBER THAT"!!!!!!!
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 25 Sep 04 - 11:05 AM

GS, I remember it as

So on their honeymoon night he took off his trousers, threw them to her and said "Put those on"!!!! She said "I can't wear those"!!!!!
He said "You just remember that, in this house I wear the trousers"

She then removed her panties and threw them to him saying "Now you put those on"!!!!
He said "I can't get into them"!! and she said "and you're not going to with that attitude!"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Dead Horse
Date: 26 Sep 04 - 06:53 AM

This fella thinks his wife is going deaf, and just to be sure, he shouts to his wife (who is in the kitchen, of course) "What we having for supper, hon?"
No answer.
So he goes up to the kitchen door and shouts "What we having for supper, hon?"
No reply.
So he finally steps right up behind her as she is preparing stuff at the sink.
He shouts "What we having for supper?"
She turns round & says "For the third time of tellin', we is havin' leftovers. Is you deaf?"

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: leeneia
Date: 26 Sep 04 - 11:07 PM

"If a husband speaks in the forest and there is no one to hear, is he still wrong?"

BTW - if a joke is clever, but it's cruel or sickening, is it still a joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Cool Beans
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 04:42 PM

HMO stands for Health Maintenance Organization and, yes, it is a type of health insurance.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 06:09 PM

Well, there's the old, old one about the three elderly ladies out in the field digging up some vegetables. One of them pulls up a carrot and looks at it nostalgically.

"Reminds me of my old man."

The other two stare. One says: "Is it the size of it?"

"Noooo."

The other: "Is it the colour of it, the rosy red of it?"

"Nooooo."

"Is it the shape of it, with all the knobbles and bobbles and twists and turns of it, and the green mossy stuff hanging off the end of it?"

"Nooooooo."

"Well, what is it, then, a chailín?"

"It's the *dirt* of it."

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Cluin
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 09:58 PM

Q: Why don't single women fart?


A: They don't have an asshole yet.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Bert
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 10:59 PM

No Leenia, defintely not. I've been wanting to post on the Paralymics thread and say that they should call it the 'Limp'-ics. But it would be really sick to say a thing like that, and not funny at all.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Cluin
Date: 27 Sep 04 - 11:16 PM

Besides, Ogympics would be a better pun. But it's still not funny.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Mr Red
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 07:56 AM

Georgiansilver - re KY jelly. I think doctors would blanch at the description of digital manipulation (looking for the prostate with a finger) as........... intercourse.

Even if the patients is smiling.

And the rubber things on their digits are gloves.

FWIW these days 75% (maybe higher) of men die with prostate cancer - though most die of something else before it is life threatening. Frank Zapper was an exception.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: GUEST,noddy
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 08:04 AM

i thought this would be a VERY short thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: MBSLynne
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 08:14 AM

I call my husband "Treasure" because everyone keeps asking me "Where did you dig THAT up?"

When I introduce my husband to people, I say "This is my first husband". I like to keep him on his toes!

Love Lynne

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Sep 04 - 12:52 PM

I also used to have a girlfriend I called "Treasure" but for me it was because she had a sunken chest!
Best wishes.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: C-flat
Date: 29 Sep 04 - 02:54 AM

Funny, I used to call my girlfriend "treasure" too GS!

Now we're married I call her "treasurer"!!


C-flat.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: Peace
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 12:12 AM

Ah, Treasure Islands.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes about husbands
From: freda underhill
Date: 30 Sep 04 - 09:01 PM

A Fairy told a married couple: for being such an exemplary married couple for 25
years, "I will give you each a wish" I want to travel around the world with my dearest
husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two
tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well. This moment
is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me" The wife was
deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.


The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and abracadabra!
Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Men might be bastards... but Fairies are Female!