BS: Russian jokes

Subject: BS: Russian jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 08:54 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 10:01 PM

that one was russian so fast it got away

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: mack/misophist
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 10:06 PM

I know some communist jokes. Can't think of any specifically Russian ones, though.

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 10:23 PM

One Russian to another: How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

Other Russian...




















What's a light bulb?

Aww, nevermind...

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 22 Nov 04 - 11:34 PM

Russian used to have two main newspapers Pravda and Isvestia, one meant the 'News" the other the "Truth'

Russian in the communist period would comment that 'There is no truth in the News and no news in the Truth'

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 12:27 AM

Everything they told us about communism was false, and everything they told us about capitalism was true.

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 04:45 AM

Citizen taking his Commun ist exam,
Official," citizen what would you do if you had two houses ? "
Citizen, " I would donate one of them to the party, and let as many comrades as possible share the other one "
Official, " Good answer comrade but what would you do if you had two cars ? "
Citizen, " I would give one of them to the party and would use the other one to carry my fellow workers to and from the factory "
Official, " good answer comrade, what would you do if you had two pair of trousers ? "
Citzen, " this is not a fair question "
Official, " why ? "
Citizen, " I'v got two pair of trousers "


eric

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Chris Green
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 08:46 AM

At a trade fair, the Russians are showing off their latest contribution to sanitation - a pile of snow and two pointy sticks. A bloke in the crowd asked how it works. "Simple" says the guy in charge "You stick this stick in the snow andd hang your trousers on it. The other one you use to fight off the bears while you're having a dump!"

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 08:50 AM

The Lada.

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Paco Rabanne
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 08:55 AM

The Lada was a work of art compared with the two stroke 'Moskvitch'

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 08:40 PM

Joe F. said:

Everything they told us about communism was false, and everything they told us about capitalism was true.

Ahhh, but which "they" are you referring to as doing the telling? As it stands, the above sentence, while it tries to be clever, tells us nothing at all.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: GUEST,Art Thieme
Date: 23 Nov 04 - 09:53 PM

Under capitalism, man exploits man.

Under communism, it is just the reverse.

Art Thieme

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Splott Man
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 10:57 AM

Kruschev was showing a party of British businessmen around the Kremlin. After an hour or so of intense indoctrination, one of the Brits piped up that he needed a call of nature.
Kruschev said "Follow me" and led them down a warren of corridors until they were led outside and down a few back streets, they eventually reached a grand building which they entered. The interior was beautifully preserved, with acres of marble, statues, gold leaf and many valuable paintings. Kruschev invited them to pee wherever they wished.
On completion of the necessary, one of the Brits, thinking of washing his hands, asked "What do we do now?"
Krushchev replied, "Run like hell, this is the American Embassy!"

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Splott Man
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 11:01 AM

To be read in a thick Russian accent (adapted from the original Swedish)...

A man walks into a Chemist shop in Moscow.

Assistant: How may I help you, Tovarich?
Man: I wish to purchase some deoderant.
Assistant: Certainly, Tovarich, ball or aerosol?
Man: Neither, it is for my armpits.


I thank you.

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: MarkS
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 11:33 AM

While Yuri Andropov was in power, the head of the KGB was telling some visitors how he used Andropovs' name for inspriation on how to deal with dissidents.

"Easy to deal with dissidents," he explained.
"Take dissidents to top of KGB building in Moscow."
"Think of The Chairman."
"Andropov."

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Juan P-B
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 02:23 PM

Phone rings in a Moscow flat. Vladimir answers it and it's the local car dealer

Car Dealer: Vladimir? I have a delivery date for your new car
Vladimir: Splendid! When can I expect it?
CD: July 14th 2008!
V:   Will that be in the morning or the Afternoon? Because I already have the gas-man coming in the morning!
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Before Gladys Snost & Perry Stroyka - Brezhnev awakes one morning and walks out onto the balcony of his home and watches the sun come up
"Good Morning Comrade!" says the sun, "It will be a nice day!"

"Thank you" says Brezhnev, thinking to himself "How important I must be - Even the sun advises me"

At lunchtime, after a busy morning at the Politburo, Brezhnev steps out into the gardens for a walk

"Good Day Comrade" says the sun, "I trust your lunch was good and you are rested for the work of the afternoon"

"Lunch was fine and I am rested" says Bredzhnev, thinking "Yes! Really important! even the sun is interested in my well-being"

After dinner Brezhnev steps out into the gardens of him Dacha but as he watches the sun set he says,

"Sun! Are you not going to ask me how the rest of my day went"

And the sun replies,

"I'm in the west now - You can f*** off!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 05:17 PM

Then there was Ivanski who bought his sons two yatchs because he wanted ..........

red sons in the sail set

I'll get me spinnaker........

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Wolfgang
Date: 24 Nov 04 - 06:45 PM

At a USSR communist party conference a young comrade was called to a superior comrade. The superior comrade said: "We have intelligence that a US spy is among the 869 people listening to the speech of comrade Breshnew about all the successes of socialism. Find out who he is." The young comrade went away and little later pointed out a man as the spy. The man was arrested and after a bit of the right treatment confessed he was a US spy.

The young comrade was called at a meeting of superior comrades, got a medal and a big praise for his quick success. "But", said the chief comrade, "there's one thing left I'd like to know. How did you find out the spy so quickly?"

"That was easy, comrade in chief", beamed the young comrade, "I only had to follow the well known maxim from Lenin who often has said: The enemy of the working class never sleeps."

Wolfgang

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: GUEST,Dáithí Ó Geanainn
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 07:45 AM

Not so much a joke,as it's reported as true, if anecdotal - but it shows that Khruschev had a sense of humour...

Mr K was hosting a meeting of the soviet Politburo and explaining his views about his predecessor Stalin. In an informal moment one of those around the table chatting said "But Mr Chairman, you were actually part of Stalin's cabinet. If you thought him so bad, why did you not speak out?"
Khrushchev immediately banged on the table and roared "WHO SAID THAT?!!"

The room fell silent, and in a quiet voice Khrushchev said "Now you know why."

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: HuwG
Date: 25 Nov 04 - 09:55 AM

Three men in one of Stalin's gulags finish a shift and start talking while they have their soup.

"Just think", says the first. "Two years ago I was sentenced to ten years here because I criticised Comrade Ivanov."

"You're lucky", says the second. "Last year I was sentenced to twenty years here because I supported Comrade Ivanov."

"You should both thank your lucky stars", says the third. "I am Comrade Ivanov."


....................


Stalin, Khruschev and Brezhnev are travelling in a train. The train stops. "Shoot the driver!" orders Stalin. The train doesn't move. "Rehabilitate the driver!" says Khruschev. With the driver still dead, the train still doesn't move. Brezhnev draws the window blinds. "Let us just pretend that the train is moving", he suggests.

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Shanghaiceltic
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 12:36 AM

This is not a joke this is true.

In 1993 I made my first trip to Moscow. It was to attend an Oil & Gas expo. There was myself and a colleague. We were booked into a hotel near the Arbatsky area called the Belgrad I, across the road was the Belgrad II. If they sounded like names of gulags then they were run on much the same lines.

We were both in rooms on the same corridor. It was January and my room had nice curtains with a nice big warm radiator below the sill. The curtains were closed, which I did not question as it was already 7 p.m. and dark outside.

My colleague came and knocked on my door. His problem was he had no curtains at all and there were house opposite. I jokingly suggested he turned out the lights before stripping off. He was adament, he wanted his privacy.

So we went down to the reception desk, an intimidating affair which we could only just see over...

'Excuse me..'
'dah what you want'
' I'm in room..'
'We know yor number'
'And my coll...'
'We know his room number too'
'Well I have curtains.....'
'And your friend has no curtains'
'So you know the problem?'
'Dah, but is no problem, look behind curtains, you have some no glass and, so you have curtains, friend has all glass, so no curtains!'

I went back to my room tried to open the curtains but they where tucked up onto the sill, behind them lead weights held them down against the Russian winter. True, 'some no glass' as panes were missing.

Welcome to Russia.

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 09:51 AM

All rooms half habitable, better than half rooms not habitable?

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: GUEST,Joe_
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 05:21 PM

On the front of the banner it used to say "OVERTAKE AND SURPASS AMERICA"
and on the back,
"At least, keep ahead of China"

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: Pogo
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 08:03 PM

We were hungry one day in Russia...

So-vi-et...

{O) from the man himself Groucho Marx

Subject: RE: BS: Russian jokes
From: robomatic
Date: 26 Nov 04 - 08:19 PM

Actual Russian Joke from the 70's.
Brezhnyev and Nixon meet for a summit. They take all day and sleep on it. The next morning over breakfast Comrade Brezhnyev is moved to speak to Nixon:

"Mr. President. I had a dream that I was in Washington DC twenty years in the future and I looked up and over the Capitol Dome I saw a red flag with a hammer and sickle flying."

Nixon finishes his spoonful of soup and says: "That is very interesting Mr. General Secretary because I too had a dream last night that I was in Moscow twenty years in the future and I looked up and flying over the Kremlin was a red flag with a hammer and sickle."

"But," says Brezhnyev, "There already is a red flag flying over the Kremlin."

"I am sorry," replies Nixon, "But I couldn't read the Chinese characters that were also on the flag!"