35 Rules for Bands

Subject: 35 Rules for Bands
From: GUEST,Hung Like a Mule
Date: 02 Jan 05 - 04:01 PM

35 IMPORTANT RULES FOR BANDS

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.

2. Your manager's not helping you.

3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.

4. No one cares who you've opened for.

5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important."

6. If your band has gone through more than four bass players, it's time to break up.

7. When you talk on stage, you're never as funny as you think.

8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")

9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk.

10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.

11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and a "guaranteed three record deal."

12. When you get dropped, insist that it was the worst contract ever, and you asked to be let go.

13. Never name a song after your band.

14. Never name your band after a song.

15. When a drummer brings in his own songs, and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer immediately.

16. Never enter a Battle of the Bands contest.

17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings such as "rock opera," "white rapper," "blues jam," "swing band," "open mike," etc.

18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.

19. Break it to your parents: it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.

20. It's not a "showcase." It's a gig that doesn't pay.

21. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.

22. Don't hire a publicist.

23. Playing in Akron, Ohio doesn't mean that you're on tour.

24. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.

25. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. It's not necessary to keep changing them between songs.

26. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends & boyfriends are for.

27. If you use a smoke machine, your music sucks.

28. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your Mom got for Christmas.

29. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?

30. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where, when, or how it will turn up.

31. Cut your hair, but don't shave your head.

32. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.

33. Don't wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.

34. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest," "demo deal," "blues genius," "$500 guarantee," and "Fastball's second hit."

35. Three things that are never coming back: gongs, headbands, and playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

Subject: RE: 35 Rules for Bands
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 02 Jan 05 - 04:06 PM

The most important rule is that there are no rules...

Subject: RE: 35 Rules for Bands
From: Justa Picker
Date: 02 Jan 05 - 09:32 PM

Too true!
Good one.

Subject: RE: 35 Rules for Bands
From: Leadfingers
Date: 02 Jan 05 - 09:57 PM

Whats wrong with hats ?

Subject: RE: 35 Rules for Bands
From: GUEST,banjoman
Date: 03 Jan 05 - 06:46 AM

There are really only two rules:

1. The banjo player is always right

2. In all cases of dispute, rule 1 applies

Subject: RE: 35 Rules for Bands
From: cool hand Tom
Date: 03 Jan 05 - 07:36 AM

Whats wrong with Tatts??.Also i agree the banjo player is always right LOL
          PICK ON..

Subject: RE: 35 Rules for Bands
From: M.Ted
Date: 03 Jan 05 - 01:24 PM

The world would be a better place if only those rules could be enforced--

Subject: RE: 35 Rules for Bands
From: cool hand Tom
Date: 03 Jan 05 - 01:37 PM

Looking at rule 21,i seem to have sewn some bloody big platform shoes on me feet. hehe.Oh well i am a communist.


          Kak dyela comrades.

Subject: RE: 35 Rules for Bands
From: breezy
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 12:18 PM

Leadfingers is living proof

looks like hat wearers and banjo - ists are being discriminated against,

so whats new?

a cap is not a hat so shurrup.

rap aint hard if ten year olds can do it !!!

Subject: RE: 35 Rules for Bands
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 04 Jan 05 - 12:56 PM

Er - rule 14 was broken to good effect by at least the Rolling Stones and the Pretty Things.