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BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005
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Subject: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 23 Jun 05 - 07:39 AM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'Well the Second Joke Thread for 2005 has been idle for a while and getting lengthy to load, and is now all tangled up due to the crash, so we'll start number 3.... intentionally.... ~~~~~~~~ 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 and No 1 in the Top Ten Things Men Know About Women |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: gnu Date: 23 Jun 05 - 07:43 AM |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 23 Jun 05 - 09:13 AM Bad start - did last a long while until understood the first joke (answer is nothing? am I right), but joke nr 2 I didn't understand at all. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wolfgang Date: 23 Jun 05 - 09:16 AM Wilfried, the second post wasn't a joke, gnu was just repeating the punchline of the first joke for the slow among us. Wolfgang (grin) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: dwditty Date: 23 Jun 05 - 11:19 AM Procrastinator's top 10 list: 10. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Midchuck Date: 23 Jun 05 - 11:41 AM A while ago, a friend sent me an e-mail entitled, simply, The Way It Really Is. Since they don't want graphics on here, I put it on my free web space and I'll try to set up a link: (Mature Audiences Only!) Peter. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 23 Jun 05 - 11:45 AM "Travel Companions" Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low voice, "General, United States Army, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons." After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tightlipped smile, "General, United States Air Force, retired. Married, two sons, both judges." After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye, he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Generals!" Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Bill D Date: 23 Jun 05 - 12:44 PM I dunno, Midchuck...can't see why he'd NEED persuasion to follow her! *grin* |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: MudGuard Date: 23 Jun 05 - 04:58 PM Yes, Midchuck, that's reality. The woman as usual has more shoes than the man ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 23 Jun 05 - 05:15 PM "Quips" Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. Taxpayers can use the short form or the long form. Any way you pay your taxes, it won't be long before you're short. TV has come a long way. First it was black and white; then it was color; now it's off color. Always buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes. When you're not in one, you'll be in the other. On the highway, a small automobile being pulled by a motor home displayed a sign in its rear window reading "I go where I'm towed." Just think of all the income tax checks on their way to the IRS. This is one time of the year when you don't hear anybody complaining about slow mail service. I call out to my higher power to show me the error of my ways, give me the guidance so I do not repeat my mistakes, and the right words so that I can talk my way out of this ticket. There are two basic rules for driving: Don't endanger the drivers in front of you and don't enrage the drivers behind you. I'll tell you who wants to save daylight! A bunch of old men in Washington who can't remember how to have fun in the dark. There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or tell your kids not to do it. I got a soccer mom and a NASCAR dad. Inquiring California politicians want to know: Can you still tax property that has slid into the ocean? The IRS ought to serve coffee and doughnuts. The Red Cross always does when IT takes your blood. Politicians love tax time. It's the only revenge they have for us laughing at them the rest of the year. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 26 Jun 05 - 10:19 AM IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY, A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynaecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organiser 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. give her compliments regularly 45. love shopping 46. be honest 47. be very rich 48. not stress her out 49. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 53. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY : 1.Shag him 2.Feed him |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 27 Jun 05 - 03:15 AM CREATION STORY In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created the NHS. Thought for the day.... There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 27 Jun 05 - 03:37 AM Midchuck - thanks for the illustrated information by which I finally learned the thruth: I used to think that women are leading men by the nose, propably up the garden path, but now I see that it doesn't look like the narrow path. All my thoughts about the ways of the world seem to have been mere guesswork up to now. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 27 Jun 05 - 12:56 PM From my son, the punster, who disobeyed my edict to dress for dinner. You're nude, I said. Well, he replied instantly, pointing to the cat who'd been recently fixed - she's neuter! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Firecat Date: 27 Jun 05 - 01:04 PM Found this on Countdown. There was a long line of moles digging a tunnel when the littlest one, who was at the back shouted "Daddy, I can smell treacle!". Daddy Mole went down to the back of the line, had a sniff and looked at the little one. "Don't be stupid, that's not treacle," he said. " You can smell mole-asses." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 28 Jun 05 - 07:34 PM The Pond An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond suitable for swimming in the back, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard girlish voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!" Moral: Old men can still think fast. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 29 Jun 05 - 05:25 AM The Village Idiot by Jim Mullen http://www.comics.com/columns/CB_select_sample.html#c1 The Unhandy Man Sue can always find some silly excuse to go to the Home Depot. Like if we don't patch the roof the ceilings will collapse. If we don't replace the three missing risers on front porch steps someone will sue us. If we don't get a new freezer all the food will spoil. She needs grout. She needs spackle. I am a city boy, I know nothing about this stuff. Half the time I think she's talking about making dinner. "Pick up a nice little wine, dear, we're having Braised Grout Stuffed with Spackle on a Bed of Wilted Frisee and Sauted Wild Mushrooms.'" And I don't want to know anything about it. The three scariest words in the English language to me are "Do It Yourself." Why on Earth would you want do it yourself when you can pay someone else to do it for you? The sheer size of places like Home Depot and Lowes prove I'm in the minority here but their size should also be a warning sign to all homeowners. When we were renting an apartment in the city our friends would always wag their fingers and say, "You're just throwing money away on rent. If you bought a house all that rent money would be equity." So we bought a house in country. Now all that money is equity. For Home Depot. Don't believe me? Try to find a parking space at one. You have to drive around for a half hour waiting for someone to leave. Some of them are open 24/7. I saw a sign in their lumber department once that said, "No wood cut after 10:30 p.m." If so many people want their wood cut after 10:30 p.m. that they had to make a sign, we are in the middle of a national do-it-yourself epidemic. No contractor I know is working at 10:30 p.m. It's hard enough to get them to work at 10:30 a.m. The Home Depot shoppers are obsessed with kitchens and bathrooms. If they're not remodeling them, they're adding new ones. I expect to start seeing real estate ads soon that read "Nine bathroom, two-bedroom home, newly remodeled professional kitchen with cathedral ceiling, granite counter tops, Viking stove, sink carved from a solid block of Carrara marble. Second bedroom could be turned into a tenth bathroom." Home improvement stores are full of guys (well, except for my wife and scads of other women like her with lazy, loser, good-for-nothing, butt-glued-to-the-sofa husbands) who are going to install hot tubs and Jacuzzis by themselves. Guys who are buying pressure hoses to clean their decks, decks that they built with wood that they bought here and presumably had cut before 10:30 p.m. There are guys buying tools to cut bathroom tile, tools to cut pipe, tools to cut wire. On one trip I had to use the restroom which always seems to be a two mile walk from the front door, past guys who are buying screen doors, 4"x 8"s, miter boxes, arc welders, PVC pipe, crushed marble and hardware cloth. I get to the Men's Room, walk up to the urinal and it's full. It seems I have discovered the one thing do-it-yourselfers can't do. I'm in a store full of guys who can install a toilet, they just can't flush one. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST Date: 29 Jun 05 - 05:42 AM And the joke is ? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 29 Jun 05 - 05:55 AM Got ya! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: JennyO Date: 29 Jun 05 - 12:15 PM Ah there it is again - the flush of a distant toilet! Oh Ebbieeeeeeeee.......... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 29 Jun 05 - 03:17 PM "Lost in Wal-Mart" Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's okay, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Doktor Doktor Date: 30 Jun 05 - 04:57 AM Contribution from Mary Hinge, Wassail exponent & part-time Mother Christmas in reply to IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY, A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE: This girl isn't normally cynical - she's just veryu experienced ... 1. a friend yes 2. a companion yes 3. a lover yes 4. a brother no thanks! have you met my brother? 5. a father no, I'm not a baby! 6. a master NOT! 7. a chef sometimes useful 8. an electrician sometimes useful but I can fix the plug! 9. a carpenter well... 10. a plumber no, we've got a decent plumber and I can change a washer! 11. a mechanic hm! 12. a decorator I do 'not bad'decorating myslf actually 13. a stylist for what for God's sake? 14. a sexologist so they fail! 15. a gynaecologist so they fail! 16. a psychologist what are you trying to say exactly? 17. a pest exterminator no, there's no crocs round here and I can cope with insects, spiders, mice etc. 18. a psychiatrist what are you trying to say exactly? 19. a healer WHAT'S WRONG WITH A STICKING PLASTER? 20. a good listener sounds nice but hard on the deaf blokes! 21. an organiser ha ha ha 22. a good father useful 23. very clean ha ha ha 24. sympathetic to what? 25. athletic ha ha ha 26. warm hot stuff preferable 27. attentive oh how sweet 28. gallant OK 29. intelligent OK 30. funny well, they are aren't they? 31. creative not in accounting or excuse-making 32. tender OK 33. strong OK 34. understanding OK 35. tolerant yes, very! 36. prudent oh please! 37. ambitious why? 38. capable at what? 39. courageous OK 40. determined Ok 41. true OK 42. dependable OK 43. passionate yes, yes, yes! WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. give her compliments regularly this can seem insincere if overdone! 45. love shopping don't know why, I hate it! 46. be honest YES 47. be very rich no, enough's enough 48. not stress her out I don't get easily stressed 49. not look at other girls No, I'd rather a man be normal! AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself bullshit! 51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself bullshit! 52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes don't quite get this one! IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 53. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY : 1.Shag him 2.Feed him 3.Not mind his mess 4.Wash his shirts, trousers, socks, pants, etc. 5.Iron his shirts, trousers, socks, pants, etc. 6.Laugh at his jokes 7.File his papers 8.Make the bed 9.Clean up the bathroom (seat to be left in "up" position) 10.Keep quiet while the football/cricket/etc. are on 11.Boost his ego 12.Make a fuss when he has a snivel, hang nail, scratch, etc. 13.Get ready to go out quickly (well instantly, actually) 14.Be tradesman's labourer if he decides to be a plumber, carpenter, electrician or chef. 15.Sew on buttons and do other mends. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Uncle DaveO Date: 30 Jun 05 - 11:31 AM Doktor, Doktor: I will just point out that this is a JOKE thread! Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Tiddy Oggy Date: 01 Jul 05 - 08:11 AM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Fw: Trafalgar Re-Run 2005 (Under New Labour) Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir. "Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir?" Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...full speed ahead." Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir." Nelson: "What?" Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral." Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What? This is mutiny." Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." Nelson: "We're not?" Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary." Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules." Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir." Nelson: "In that case ................................... Kiss me, Hardy!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Bainbo Date: 01 Jul 05 - 08:17 AM Apparently, one in five people in the world is Chinese. And there are five people in my family. So that means it must be my mum or my dad. Or my brother, Colin. Or my other brother, Hu Chow Chin. But I think it's Colin. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Les in Chorlton Date: 02 Jul 05 - 03:40 AM Thanks Bainbo, that is a joke! Once upon a time their were two rabits. Look how many their are now. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Jul 05 - 05:04 PM Golf The following is not intended to offend fans of hockey, basketball, football or baseball. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective. However, if you are offended because of your favorite sport, please tell someone else. Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? The following truisms may shed some light: 1. Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees. 2. Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week. 3. Golfers don't kick dirt on, spit on, or throw bottles at, other people. 4. Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play. 5. Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments. 6. Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal. 7. Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play. 8. When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them. 9. The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2. 10. You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the SuperBowl costs around $300 or more, unless you buy it from scalpers, in which case it's $1,000+. 11. You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world, and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave. 12. In golf, you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (300 batting average)do. 13. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans. 14. Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week. 15. Golf doesn't have free agency. 16. In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime, Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone." 17. You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament. 18. At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name-calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you. 19. Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball. 20. Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood. 21. And Finally: Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy. This is old but maybe you haven't seen it Why do golf courses have 18 holes -- not 20, or 10, or an even dozen? During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out. Dave Oesterreich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST Date: 06 Jul 05 - 07:12 AM A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed it. POOF! A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. "Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?" The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins" "Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration "I'd like to be white and surrounded by women." "No problem" said the Genie, POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon. Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there's always a string attached. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST Date: 06 Jul 05 - 07:13 AM An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers." Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers." Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: freda underhill Date: 06 Jul 05 - 07:16 AM An American man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African Americans men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish decent." Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto" the man says as he extends his hand. "Tonto Goldstein." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 06 Jul 05 - 08:12 AM When Mr Davidson (yes, the famous one, from Harley D.) enters the Pearly Gates, he is held up by St Peter: "Since you are such a famous inventor, The Lord wants to see you and grant you an interview." When with The Lord, Mr Davidson asks: "They say you have invented a model called woman?" "That's right." "Now let me tell you that I think it's a very faulty model. It's rattling away all day, the surface is irregularly bulged, the inlet is too near to the outlet, the back parts are too soft and too wobbly, and it costs hell to maintain it." The Lord grabs his notebook, hits some keys, and answers: That may be, but statistics show that more men are riding my model than yours." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 06 Jul 05 - 11:16 AM "I Have.." I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, I'm winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wesley S Date: 07 Jul 05 - 10:45 AM A letter, addressed "To the world's greatest drummer", arrives at the home of Louie Bellson. He takes one look at it, and says, "well, this is obviously not for me", and forwards it to Gene Krupa. Krupa also takes one look at it, and also says, "well, this is obviously not for me", and he forwards it as well. The letter makes the rounds of famous drummers' homes, until it finally winds up at the home of Buddy Rich. He takes one look at it, and says, "well, this is obviously for me", rips it open, and reads "Dear Ringo...." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wesley S Date: 07 Jul 05 - 10:46 AM How do you make a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until its bill withers |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wesley S Date: 07 Jul 05 - 11:28 AM Kenny G walks into an elevator and says, "Man, this place is HAPPENING!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Jim Dixon Date: 08 Jul 05 - 12:55 AM Thought for the day: "Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Pseudolus at Work Date: 08 Jul 05 - 10:49 AM Three guys walk into a bar...you'd think one of 'em woulda seen it! I know it's been in the threads before but I couldn't resist.... Frank |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: wlisk Date: 09 Jul 05 - 08:29 AM Three men die and go to heaven and are waiting in line to meet St. Peter. St. Peter: Hi, what's your name? Paul: My name is Paul. St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Paul: 120K. St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money? Paul: I was a lawyer. St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name? Roger: My name is Roger. St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Roger: 60K. St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living? Roger: I was an accountant. St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the third man. Hi, what's your name? John: My name is John. St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died? John: About $3,000. St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 09 Jul 05 - 10:02 AM "Funny Signs" Spotted in a toilet of a London (UK) office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: katlaughing Date: 09 Jul 05 - 11:31 PM LMAO!! These are great ones, guys!! A friend just sent this to us...mind you, he remembers that my Rog is an engineer! Understanding Engineers - Take One ------------------------------------------- Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 11 Jul 05 - 09:13 AM QUOTES FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description; it's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express) Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo) RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 24 Jul 05 - 09:58 PM Subject: Government Announcement The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Peace Date: 24 Jul 05 - 10:17 PM LOL |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 27 Jul 05 - 04:17 PM Outsourcing the President's Job Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to overseas interests as of August 31st. The move is being made to save not only a significant portion of the President's $400,000.00 yearly salary, but also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead. "We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-Wash.). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accountability Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted. Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of September 1st. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday." A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using this tree, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the Spokesperson. "Mr. Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 dollars a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. One possibility is re-enlistment in the Air National Guard. Should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop. Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome. ~ Author Unknown |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: freda underhill Date: 29 Jul 05 - 10:10 AM Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland, Australia. Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in blo0dy quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - > nothin'!! Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Kevin with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of pi$s!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Kev and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter Jill xxxx |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST Date: 30 Jul 05 - 08:48 AM 1. What do you call a chav in a box? Innit. 2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted 3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe. 4. What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuinnit. 5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs. 6. What do you call a Chelmsford Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride. 7. You're in your car and you see a C Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike. 8. What's the difference between a C Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut. 9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?" 10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it. 11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police 12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar. 13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please 14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? "Will the defendant please stand" 15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A 16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4 17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny. 18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll screw anything. 19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start. 20. How many chavs does it take to clean a Floor? None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit." 21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash 22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever. 23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner. 24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing." 25. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: heric Date: 30 Jul 05 - 11:11 AM A woman at work got twelve red roses delivered yesterday. As I was admiring them I said you are one lucky woman. She said "Well, maybe, except that now I'll be expected to lie flat on my back for a week with my legs up in the air." "What?" I said. "Why, ain't you got a vase?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Jim Dixon Date: 30 Jul 05 - 05:26 PM "I'm such a bad driver, I can't tell whether it's one o'clock or I'm going a hundred." --Phyllis Diller |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: michaelr Date: 30 Jul 05 - 06:52 PM What's a chav?? Here's another Nelson story: Lookout: "Admiral, there are three French frigates bearing down on us!" Nelson: "Adjutant, ready the cannons, and bring me my red shirt." Adjutant: "Yes sir... but why the red shirt?" Nelson: "If I'm wounded, I don't want the men to know so they won't lose heart." Lookout: "Correction, Admrial, it's three hundred French frigates!" Nelson: "Forget the red shirt. Bring me my brown trousers!" Farmer Johnson comes up the neighbor's drive and knocks on the door. A young boy opens the door. Farmer Jones: "Is your daddy home?" Boy: "No sir, he's gone into town." Farmer Jones: "Is your momma home?" Boy: "No sir, she's gone into town with my daddy." Farmer Jones: "What about your bid brother Howard? Is he home?" Boy: "No sir, he's gone into town with my momma and daddy. Can I help you with somethin'?" Farmer Jones: "Well, I come about the matter of your brother Howard gettin' my daughter Betty pregnant." Boy "Well, I don't know nothin' about that. But I can tell you that my daddy gets fifty dollars for the bull, twenty-five dollars for the hog... and I don't know what he gets for Howard." Cheers, Michael |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: JohnInKansas Date: 31 Jul 05 - 01:43 AM A man's first happy moment |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: van lingle Date: 31 Jul 05 - 09:08 AM Uncle Dave O, I enjoyed the "golf truisms" and was happy to read them after the tough round I played yesterday. I only hit two good balls all day and that was when I stepped on a rake. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Georgiansilver Date: 31 Jul 05 - 09:41 AM What is the difference between a nun in the church and a nun in the bath? The nun in the church has a soul full of hope! What is the difference between hard and light? You can go to sleep with the light on! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST Date: 31 Jul 05 - 11:00 AM A man walks into a confession box. “Bless me father, I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night." The priest is silent, then says, "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze juice into a glass and drink it in one." The man asks, "Then will I be forgiven?" "No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that fucking smirk off your face!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: van lingle Date: 31 Jul 05 - 12:04 PM Also heard in the confesional: Elderly Man: "Bless me father for I have sinned. Last night I took two hot stewardesses back to my hotel room and made passionate love to them all night". Priest: "I see. May I ask sir, are you a member of this congregation?" Elderly Man: "No" Priest: "Are you even Catholic?" Elderly Man: "No, as a matter of fact I'm Jewish." Priest: "Well then, what are you telling me for?" Elderly Man: "Hell father, I'm telling everyone!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 31 Jul 05 - 08:11 PM In the light of all the criticism that George Bush is an idiot, the Republicans decide to hold a "George Bush Is Not Stupid" convention. Eighty thousand Republicans meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium. Trent Lott says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that George Bush is not stupid. So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce President George Bush." After the cheers die down. Lott says "Mr. President, we're going to prove to the world once and for all that you are not stupid. So tell us, what is 15 plus 15?" Bush, after scrunching up his face and concentrating real hard for a moment, declares, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the 80,000 Republicans start cheering, "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!" Trent Lott says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place, I guess we can do that." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds of chin-rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks "Ninety?" Trent Lott is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened. But then Bush starts pouting, and suddenly the 80,000 Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting again "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!" Lott, unsure whether he's doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute, proudly announces "Four." A moment of total silence, then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out. All 80,000 Republicans jump to their feet. These GOP partisans start to wave their arms, stomp their feet and create a deafening roar: "GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST Date: 01 Aug 05 - 10:05 AM An American sitting in a hotel lobby in London turned to an Englishman sat beside him and started to castigate him about his nationality. "You know, you English people are so stuffy, why do you think you're so special? You play this stiff upper lip business and think your superior to everyone else" He continued, "Just take a look at me and my fellow countrymen, we don't have your kind of hang-ups. I'm proud of the fact that I have French blood, Italian blood, Red Indian blood and some Irish blood too. So what do you say to that." The Englishman gave it some thought and then answered, "Well sir, I think that was jolly sporting of your mother" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: wlisk Date: 01 Aug 05 - 03:49 PM A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3 piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become altoo much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: MudGuard Date: 01 Aug 05 - 04:05 PM Da capo ;-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 04 Aug 05 - 01:26 PM "Psychic Abilities" A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 05 Aug 05 - 09:19 AM A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just about pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her, "Loosen up, Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Jim McLean Date: 05 Aug 05 - 01:11 PM My Musical Director was told by his doctor that he suffered from syncopation .... an irregular movement from bar to bar. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 07 Aug 05 - 08:40 PM This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence, which was "Let's make love." The parrot said it all the time, embarrassing the owner to no end. Finally, He went to his parish priest and told him of his parrot problem. The priest replied, "I have a parrot who also only knows one sentence. He always says, 'Let us pray.' Bring your parrot over Sunday after mass, and I'm sure your parrot will be praying by the end of the day." So, as directed, The owner brought the parrot over to the rectory after mass. The parrot, spying the priests parrot, opened his mouth and blurted out "Let's make Love." The priest's parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said, "My prayers have been answered." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Cool Beans Date: 08 Aug 05 - 09:14 AM Guy gets a phone call from his doctor. "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" "The good news, I guess." "OK, you have 24 hours to live." "That's the GOOD NEWS? What's the bad news?" "I tried to call yesterday." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 09 Aug 05 - 10:46 AM "Party Entertainment" A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!" The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wesley S Date: 09 Aug 05 - 02:25 PM Warning - Tacky joke ahead : Two Pakistani mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and together they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now." "Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though," mum confides. "Oh, so sad dear," says the other. "And this is my Kalid. He's 21." "Oh, I remember him," say the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born." "Yes. He's a martyr now too." says mum quietly. "Oh, gracious me..." says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He's also a martyr, " says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim Mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Roger the cookieless Skiffler Date: 10 Aug 05 - 09:21 AM Forwarded by someone elses I can't believe they're all true! Proof That The World is Nuts: In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!") *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Sweet Justice!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*! In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~* In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I assume it was a big enough problem they had to pass this law?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Well, . . not as great as Guam!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of ...?) (Did the government pay for this research??) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah Jeeze!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~* Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* And, the best for last: Turtles can breathe through their butts. (And YOU thought YOU bad breath in the morning!) --THE END-- RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 18 Aug 05 - 02:59 AM - You must be a very pious man. - Why? - Every morning when you are leaving yout house I see you crossing yourself. - Oh no, it's just control: hat? fly? wallet? fountain pen? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Sooz sans cookie Date: 18 Aug 05 - 04:08 AM I thought it went "Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch"! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,CrazyEddie Date: 18 Aug 05 - 09:03 AM Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. Whoever wrote that obviously hadn't heard of Bonobos. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 18 Aug 05 - 11:23 AM "A Hot Summer's Day" A fellow walked into a Baskin & Robbins Ice Cream Parlor on a very hot summery day. He ordered a double scooped chocolate cone, received it, and then walked away. Outside on the sidewalk he paused for a bit, then he reached in a pocket and pulled out a pair of red birds, sat down on a nearby bench with his birds, and placed them on top of his fudgie. A passerby, who glanced over his way and noticed the curious sight, was prompted to ask, "What's happening, Bud, with your treat with two birdies alight?" The fellow replied in a curious way, in an absolute serious tone, "I'm just trying, dear sir, as best I know how, to chill two birds with one cone." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 19 Aug 05 - 03:16 AM Sooz - thank you for the correction. I had translated this joke from the German, but since your version is much more funnier than the one I've heard, I think the English version is the original one. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Cluin Date: 19 Aug 05 - 03:53 AM Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing memorable surgeries they had performed. The first one declared, "Y'know I believe I'm the best damn surgeon in Texas, y'all. A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident once and I reattached `em all. And eight months later, he played a command performance for the Queen of England." The second surgeon rebutted this with, "Heck, that ain't nothing, hoss. I treated a young man one time who'd lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them and two years later he up and won a gold medal in Swimming in the goldang Olympics." The third surgeon laughed, "I tell you whut, you guys is rank amateurs. Quite a few years ago now, I had a case of a drunken cowboy who rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. Hell, all that was left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. And now he's President of these United States." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 19 Aug 05 - 11:56 AM A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. ~~~ Well, there's a very simple answer. ~~~ Nobody bothered to check the oil. ~~~ We just didn't know we were getting low. ~~~ The reason for that is purely geographical. ~~~ Our OIL is located in Alaska California Oklahoma TEXAS UTAH and Wyoming ~~~ Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Cluin Date: 19 Aug 05 - 02:33 PM World's Shortest Fairy Tale: Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl answered "No." And so the guy lived happily ever after and played golf a lot. THE END |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Walrus Date: 19 Aug 05 - 03:38 PM Twp psychiatrists are discussing a case, "Ah, now this one is fascinating, he has Delusions of Grandeur AND an Inferiority Complex....He thinks he's Napoleon III." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Cluin Date: 23 Aug 05 - 03:26 AM Bob stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner, Jim, asked, "What the hell is taking you so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Bob explained. "I want to make this a perfect shot." "You're nuts, Bob!" Jim exclaimed. "You haven't got a snowball's chance in Hell of hitting her from here." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Mickey191 Date: 23 Aug 05 - 11:39 AM There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One morning as he looked into the mirror to admire his body he noticed that he was suntanned all over, with one exception, his penis. He decided to do something about. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other old lady, "There really is no justice in the world!" The other old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first old lady said, "Look at that." When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm to old to squat. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Cluin Date: 23 Aug 05 - 11:01 PM My sister's favourite joke at the moment... Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb. A: Just one... to hold the lightbulb still and wait for the world to revolve around him. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST Date: 24 Aug 05 - 05:19 AM One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds...a lot quicker and better than a doctor". So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks". That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...thank you for shopping at Asda". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Mickey191 Date: 24 Aug 05 - 07:46 PM Two for the price of one! BE VERY CAREFUL!!!!!!!! WARNING! ANOTHER SCAM! Please send this to all of the women you know!! WARNING!!!!! If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and he asks you to show him your boobs: DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS! This is a scam, and he is only trying to SEE YOUR BOOBS. I wish I'd heard about this before yesterday ...... I feel so stupid!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The surgeon told her of a new procedure called "The Knob" where a small knob is placed on the back of her head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course the woman wanted the knob. Over the years the woman used the knob and the effects were wonderful. After about fifteen years she returned to the surgeon with two problems. She told him everything has been good over the years till now. I've developed these terrible bags under my eyes for one and the knob won't work to get rid of them. The doctor looked at them and said those aren't bags, those are your breasts. She said "Well I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee." Cheers! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Walrus Date: 24 Aug 05 - 08:10 PM A world renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps is walking down the High Street one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then. Naturally, being a world renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" A few seconds later the world renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales person's attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm a world renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no wasp sounds with which I am familiar". The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the world renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". Puzzled, the world renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds he returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there. "Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a world renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?" Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:- "Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Roger the Skiffler Date: 26 Aug 05 - 09:43 AM A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a young Constable. The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news." "Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?" The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was. The Sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized Crays and a swag of edible Crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." With that he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice Crays and four or five crabs in it. "Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut...I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?" "Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again! You fancy comin' with us?" RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: leprechaun Date: 26 Aug 05 - 07:07 PM How many A. D. D. kids does it take to change a lightbulb? You wanna go ride bikes? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Cluin Date: 27 Aug 05 - 01:47 AM A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth". So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin' horth............can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and gives the horse's eyes the once over..... "Nith eyeth...........can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth.........can I thee her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouf...........can I thee her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's private part, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that: Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: John MacKenzie Date: 31 Aug 05 - 07:44 AM The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review: Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?" G: "What?" RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?" G: "I don't think so." RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bodder?" G: "No...just put the bodder on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Excuse me?" RS: "Copy...tea...meel?" G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say." RS: "Tenjewberrymuds." G : "You're very welcome." Giok |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 31 Aug 05 - 07:55 AM NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear... fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*... no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 31 Aug 05 - 08:52 AM Giok's Asiatic joke reminds of an old one about the Indian Telegraph Service. After sending COME PERSONALLY at the end of his message sender recieves as answer: PARSAN ALI NOT HERE STOP WILL HASAN ALI DO Hi Giok! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Cluin Date: 31 Aug 05 - 09:10 AM Two Jewish gentlemen, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Hey, are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask our waiter? " When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" The waiter answered "I don' know sir, remme ask," and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No. No Chinese Jews at all." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "Okay, I check again for you, sir," replied the waiter and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China! Our people are scattered everywhere." When he returned the waiter said, "No Sir, got no Chinese Jews, jus' rike I say fu'st time." "Are you really sure ?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." Exasperated, the waiter frantically said "Sir, I ask ev'yone! We got olange jews, appow jews, plune jews, tomato jews, pineapple jews, and glape jews, but no one never hear of Chinese jews. You pay bill now and go!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: John MacKenzie Date: 31 Aug 05 - 09:12 AM The telegraph message that was sent during the war to headquarters which said, "We're going to advance send reinforcements" which eventually arrived at its' destination saying, "We're going to a dance send 3/4d [3 and 4 pence]" Giok Hi Wilfried [Keep foaming] |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Larry K Date: 31 Aug 05 - 10:33 AM Two cows are talking to each other. The first says "did I tell you I was artifically inseminated today" The second cow says "are you kidding me?" The first cow says "No bull!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Larry K Date: 31 Aug 05 - 10:38 AM Keith Grimwood of Trout Fishing in America told me this joke at Summerfolk. He said he knew he had been in Canada too long when he came to road sign that said "Population 10,000" and he tried converting that into American to see how many people that was. He also told me a bass player joke which I improved upon. He told me he would steal it and than proceeded to use it a Summerfolk. Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car and it was an emergency because his tall blonde guitar player had been stuck inside the car for two hours. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: MudGuard Date: 31 Aug 05 - 03:11 PM Two bulls, a young one and an older one, are grazing on a pasture, when a small flock of cows [*] is led to the neighbouring pasture. The young bull notices that a piece of the fence between the pastures is missing. So he says (mows?) to the old bull: "Let us run over there and each of us have a cow!" Says the old, much more experienced, bull to the young bull: "No, no, no! Let us trot slowly over there and each of us have all the cows!" [*] or is it "herd of cows"? Or "drove", "pod", "stoves"? Please tell me, I want to improve my English. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Mrr Date: 31 Aug 05 - 03:16 PM I'd already heard that one, it's a herd! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: MudGuard Date: 31 Aug 05 - 03:42 PM Thanks Mrr. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: curmudgeon Date: 01 Sep 05 - 08:41 PM Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.Get plenty of exercise because exercisehelps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them,keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.Get plenty of rest.Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can. OR Take the doctor's office approach.Think about it...When you go for a shot, what do they do first?Clean your arm with alcohol..Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So....... I walk to the liquor store.. (exercise ) I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)Celery n my Bloody Mary (veggies)Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)Tell jokes, laugh..(eliminate stress)Then pass out. (rest) The way I see it... f you keep your alcohol levels up,flu germs can't get you!!!! My grandmother always said,"A shot in the glass,is better than one in the ass!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: wlisk Date: 02 Sep 05 - 12:15 AM A bachelor tried to take a vacation every summer. He was a golf nut and spent two weeks at Hilton Head. Last summer he met a woman out there and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be "no surprises" later that would destroy their love. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." "Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker." "I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Folkiedave Date: 08 Sep 05 - 05:32 PM Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed......... ........I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST Date: 08 Sep 05 - 05:36 PM A four year old boy sitting in the bath was playing with his testicles. "Mummy are these my brains?" He asked. "They will be when you're older." She replied. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST Date: 09 Sep 05 - 01:13 AM Hehe |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Chuck Date: 09 Sep 05 - 01:13 AM Thanks LOL |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 15 Sep 05 - 09:38 AM Gender Math ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATHS A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she always does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: wlisk Date: 16 Sep 05 - 10:34 AM George Bush had some free time and was sitting in a cafeteria next to a woman who was engrossed in her newspaper. The bold headline read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." He shook his head at the sad, sad news. Then turning to the woman he asked, "How many is a Brazilian?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: John MacKenzie Date: 17 Sep 05 - 05:08 PM One day two Sperms were swimming vigorously and one Sperm asks the other: "How much further do we have until we reach the egg??" The other Sperm replys: "I dunno, but I think we just passed the tonsils!! G..{No I don't understand either!} |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 18 Sep 05 - 02:51 AM A nudist is someone who suffers from clothestrophobia. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wesley S Date: 21 Sep 05 - 12:49 PM When asked his position on Roe v. Wade, President Bush said he didn't care how people got out of New Orleans. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Mr Happy Date: 21 Sep 05 - 03:26 PM An old couple were having problems remembering things, so they went to their doctor to find out what was wrong with them. The doctor examined them and said that they were physically fine but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen". She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "OK". She then asked him, "Shouldn't you write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries with it. You better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "No, I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She continued, "Well, I would also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that so you better write it down." Irritably, he said, "I don't need to write it down I can remember that.". Then he stomped off to the kitchen. Fifteen minutes later he returned and gave her a plateful of eggs and bacon. She stared at the plate annoyed and said, "You forgot my toast." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Janie Date: 22 Sep 05 - 09:55 AM A woman's husband, unsettled by her moodiness, bought a mood ring for her to wear so he could monitor her moods. When asked about it, she remarked,"When I am in a good mood, the ring is green. When I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead." Janie ;0) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Sttaw Legend Date: 22 Sep 05 - 10:35 AM This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. No one else will know, so you won't be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to each line. Here's the situation: You are in Florida; Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of Biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.... It's George W. Bush, President of the United States!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under... forever. You have two options - you can save the life of G.W.Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men. So here's the question, and please give an honest answer: Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wesley S Date: 22 Sep 05 - 10:57 AM Black and white - no question about it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Walrus Date: 22 Sep 05 - 02:31 PM If Tony Blair were with him, I'd go for an anvil |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: John MacKenzie Date: 23 Sep 05 - 04:10 AM Google has this problem, has GWB gone to work for them? GWB G Giok |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 23 Sep 05 - 07:36 AM A fine Nelson, Giok |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Paranoid Android Date: 23 Sep 05 - 09:04 PM A nudist colony is a place where men and women go to air their differences |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 24 Sep 05 - 08:18 PM In his old hereditary castle the old lord (L) is sitting in his hereditary tub and is bathed by his manservant, his former batman (B). B: May I draw your lordship's attention to your lordship's surprising erection? L (looking down):Indeed, an erection, that is really a surprise! B: Does your lordship want me to inform her ladyship? L: Heavens, no! We'll try to smuggle it into town. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Peace Date: 26 Sep 05 - 02:07 PM Fellow notices an ad in the paper: "Hunting dog for sale. $10,000." He calls the vendor and asks what's so special about the dog. Guy says, "He will find ducks like there's no tomorrow. Fellow asks if he can try the dog out for a day. Guy says "Yes." He returns to the owner after about one hour. Tells the owner that he shot the dog. Owner asks, "Why?" Fellow says, "I sent him off with the command, 'find ducks', just as you said. The dog returned after four minutes with an erection that was showing, a long piece of wood in his teeth, a wild look in his eyes, shakin' all over, and he started to hump my leg. I figured the dog had gone crazy so I shot him." The owner said, "You just didn't understand what he was trying to tell you!" Guy says, "What was he tryin' to tell me?" Owner repiled, "He was trying to tell you that he'd found more fuckin' ducks than you can shake a stick at." (I have shortened the joke. Lengthen according to audience and degree of sobriety--both yours and the listeners.) PS Have a nice day. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 29 Sep 05 - 05:12 AM Well I think it's time for the Fourth Joke Thread for 2005 |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,sammie Date: 20 Oct 05 - 05:14 PM a tramp walks into a bar and asks barman for a tooth pick. barman hands one over and the tramp leaves. the tramps friend walks into the bar and asks for a tooth pick. the barman looking puzzled hands one over, and the tramp leaves. third tramp walks in and asks for a straw. the barman looks shocked, and says ' But the other ones asked for tooth picks what do you need a straw for?' tramp replies... 'SOMEONES BEEN SICK OUTSIDE AND ALL THE LUMPS HAVE GONE' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: bobad Date: 20 Oct 05 - 05:42 PM OK so this guy walks into a bar, sits on a stool and the bartender says "can I get you something to drink?" Guy replies "I'll have a scotch". The bartender brings it to him and says that'll be five bucks. The guy replies you offered me a drink and I accepted, you never said anything about paying for it. A lawyer sitting nearby tells the bartender I'm afraid he's got you dead to rights, you made him an offer and he accepted and no terms were discussed. The bartender says OK you got me that time, drink up, get out of here and don't ever come back. Two days later the guy walks in again and sits down at the bar. The bartender says "I thought I told you to never come back in here". The guy replies "You must be mistaken I've never been in here before" "Well then" replies the bartender "you must have a double". "Fine" replies the guy "make it a scotch". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: GUEST,Alan Day Date: 21 Oct 05 - 10:33 AM Speak Irish in one easy lesson Repeat the words first slowly then fast WHALE, OIL, BEEF, HOOKED, Al |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 21 Oct 05 - 08:00 PM The Fourth Joke Thread for 2005 is here |
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Subject: 2006 From: GUEST,Michael Richards Date: 07 Feb 06 - 10:01 PM News Release: Lexington Kentucky Spokesman for Dick's Sporting goods has said that the new Store in Lexington Kentucky's Fayette Mall is a huge success. It was a gamble to build a two story store making it nearly twice as large as the other stores in the Dick's line but spokesmen Michael Richards said they did it to attract more women shoppers. Women like the big Dick's said Richards. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 07 Feb 06 - 10:17 PM First Joke thread for 2006 |
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Subject: RE: BS: Third Joke Thread for 2005 From: Peace Date: 08 Jul 09 - 05:18 PM Now THAT'S funny. |
