BS: Another gorilla joke

Subject: BS: Another gorilla joke
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 04 Mar 06 - 11:28 PM

The local zoo in Schenectady had acquired a new gorilla, a large and healthy female. Within a few weeks, this female gorilla became very nervous, aggressive, and hard to handle.
   
Upon examination, the zoo's veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the appropriate age available to mate with her, and the chimps wouldn't go near her. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo management noticed Alfie, an guy from New Jersey who was responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Alfie was known to be pretty crude, yer basic dumbass hell-raiser, but he certainly possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of almost ANY known species. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have an unconventional, but a workable solution that would settle down this female gorilla.

Alfie's manager made him a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Alfie showed some interest, but said he would have to think it over carefully. The following day, Alfie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't wanta have to kiss her."

"No problem," said the manager.

"Second, you must never tell anyone about this."

"Fine, fine," said the manager. "Our lips are sealed. What's the third condition?"

Says Alfie, "You gotta give me a week to come up with the $500."

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Subject: RE: BS: Another gorilla joke
From: Peace
Date: 04 Mar 06 - 11:37 PM

Dead Fish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

Subject: RE: BS: Another gorilla joke
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 11:49 AM

Hooo! Hooo! Hooo! Hah!

Subject: RE: BS: Another gorilla joke
From: GUEST,Midchuck - kicked out for unknow reasons
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 01:00 PM

Subject: RE: BS: Another gorilla joke
From: GUEST,Midchuck, trying again
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 01:02 PM

Chongo, in the first version I heard of that story, the person recruited to do the work was a Polish gentleman named Sigismund. And his second condition was that the children had to be raised Catholic.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Another gorilla joke
From: Leadfingers
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 01:17 PM

A friend of mine had a pet gorilla which shared his one room apartment . I asked him where it slept - He replied " Wherever it wants to!"

Subject: RE: BS: Another gorilla joke
From: wysiwyg
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 02:21 PM

Do you know the one that goes with this punchline?

"You picked the ugliest baboon on the other side of the island!"

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Another gorilla joke
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 03:03 PM

Nope. Haven't heard that one.

Subject: RE: BS: Another gorilla joke
From: Peace
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 03:16 PM

Two guys (Dave and Leo) were leaving their job at a maximum security facility. One of the guard dogs was licking its privates. Dave said, "Gee. I wish I could do that." Leo replied, "Well, you can, but ya have to pet him first."

Subject: RE: BS: Another gorilla joke
From: wysiwyg
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 03:52 PM

Well, LH, it starts with a shipwreck onto a desert island. Only one sailor survives the terrible storm and makes landfall, to find there is a group of sailors already there. After some weeks' discussions about all their failed attempts to get off the island, the sailor begins to realize they'll be there for the long haul. Funny thing is, his island-mates don't seem all that upset to be stuck there.

He asks them what's the secret of their apparent contentedness.

His new mates describe all the ways they kill time on the island, how much they enjoy the climate, how the natural food sources are so delicious-- they make it sound like it's almost like heaven.

"But what about sex?" their new friend finally gets up the nerve to ask. "You must miss women??? Or do you-- no, I can't ask, it's too personal," he says, with images flooding his mind-- depravity among the men....

The men laugh uproariosly, knowing just what he's thinking. "No, no, mate," they assure him; "all you have to do is do what WE do-- go visit the other side of the island one night."

There's ready agreement among them on this point, but they refuse to elaborate and tell him he must see for himself.

Eventually, the newly-wrecked sailor gets up his nerve. He climbs the point at sunset, and goes around to the other side of the island.

He comes back the next morning with a big smile on his face; his mates clap him on the back in hearty congratulations. "How was it over on the other side of the island?" one of them asks.

"Oh, wow!" he replies, blushing. "She was GREAT!"

"Hey," says one of the veteran castaways. "We've been planning a party for tonight. We'd love to meet your new truelove! Come with us when we go pick up the others, and bring her along, too."

He agrees. He has a few misgivings, but he realizes that since they are all doing the same thing, it MUST be OK to go to "the other side of the island."

Later that afternoon, the men set out for the other side of the island. The paramours are happy to see the men and are soon gathered up for the return journey.

The last to join the group is our shy sailor's even shyer new friend. As she arrives he gives her a big hug. He's still not entirely sure of himself about all this, but she gives him a long, wet kiss. She's as hot as he remembers from the night before.

But suddenly, his hosts break out in raucous laughter-- pointing, giggling, and holding their sides as they pee their deck pants.

Our hapless rookie can only stutter, in bewildered embarrassment, "Wha-wh-wh-a-a-a-t-????"

One of them stops spluttering just long enough to choke out this line:

"Oh, man! You picked the ugliest baboon on the island!"

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: Another gorilla joke
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Mar 06 - 04:00 PM

Aha. (smile) Gee, I hope Chongo doesn't get offended by some of this specist humor. But after all, he started it.

Subject: RE: BS: Another gorilla joke
From: HuwG
Date: 06 Mar 06 - 04:20 AM

Two retired British Army officers are sitting in the smoking room at the Bellona Club in London. One of them puts down the "Times" with an exclamation.

"Good Lord", he says. "You remember old Cholmondeley-Farquharson ? Vanished somewhere near Mandalay in '44. Always thought the Japs got him. Well, it seems he's been alive and well and living in sin with a monkey ever since then."

"My word", says the other. "Does it say what sort of monkey ? Male or female ?"

"Female, of course", says the first. "Nothing queer about old Cholmondeley-Farquharson".


****

Same two officers. First one says, "What was your most frightening moment of the war ?"

Second says, "Kalewa, '43. Turned a corner on a jungle trail, came face to face with a damned great tiger. Ooooh ! Shat myself."

First says, "Well, I'd shit myself if I suddenly met a tiger."

"No. Just now", says the second.

Subject: RE: BS: Another gorilla joke
From: Gurney
Date: 09 Mar 06 - 03:47 AM

There were these penguins in a car...... which lost its oil... took it to a mechanic... went for refreshments... came back to the garage with ice-cream everywhere-penguins have trouble with ice-creams on hot days... The mechanic says "It looks as if you've blown a seal"........... "No!" says a penguin, "It's ice-cream!"



They had car trouble because they skidded on some Flora.
(Gorilla in-joke for Vin Garbutt fans.)

Subject: RE: BS: Another gorilla joke
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Mar 06 - 04:00 AM

This gorilla walks into a pub and orders a beer. The barman thinking he would get away with overcharging the gorilla says "that will be £10 please"($17)....After a few minutes the barman says "We don't get many gorillas in here"...The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised with the prices you charge"!!!