happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)

Subject: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Abby Sale
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 06:58 AM


4/8/1887,
In New Orleans at The Charity Hospital of Louisiana
a 45-year-old patient was recorded as dying from masturbation.
(Per The Grim Reaper's Book of Days, Ed Morrow, Citadel Press, 1992)

          The first mate's name was Cooper.
          By Christ, he was a trooper.
          He jerked and jerked until he worked
          Himself into a stupor.
  
                  "The Good Ship Venus," Ed Cray, The Erotic Muse, 1992

ALSO:

 
          The king was in the counting house,
             Counting out his wealth.
          The queen was in the parlor,
             Playing with herself.
  
                  "The Ball of Kirriemuir"

Early warning notice: This series of the Happy File noncontinues beginning April 16.
Copyright © 2005, Abby Sale - all rights reserved
What are Happy's all about? See Clicky

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 09:06 AM

There once was a fellow named Greene
Who invented a wanking machine
On the ninety ninth stroke
The fucking thing broke
And whipped his bollocks to cream

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Brakn
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 09:09 AM

noncontinues - is that a word?

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Charley Noble
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 09:16 AM

The queen was in parlour,
            Eating bread and honey.
         The king was in the parlormaid,
            And she was in the money.

                "The Ball of Kirriemuir"

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Gray D
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 09:57 AM

". . . a 45-year-old patient was recorded as dying from masturbation"?

I suppose, right at the end, the poor chap didn't know whether he was coming or going.

Gray D

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Howard Kaplan
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 10:03 AM

A ram with thick legs and strong sinews
Who should have been spending time in ewes
Found sex toys and poked
Once too often, then croaked,
And now his old work noncontinues.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 11:01 AM

A clever young fellow named Greene,
Invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex,
It would fit either sex.
And wank itself off in between.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 11:43 AM

Masturbation - don't knock it, it's like having sex with someone you love!

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Raggytash
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 02:41 PM

Oh dear ......... always one for a battle ....... a copyright on Happy Files .......... I think not ......... see you in court

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Severn
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 03:48 PM

Are you sure he wasn't merely a stroke victim and not a victim of a stroke of bad luck?

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Charley Noble
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 03:54 PM

The Choric Song of the Masturbators

Tune: "Finiculi Finicula"

Last night,
I pulled me pud;
It did me good,
I knew it would.
Sling it,
Fling it,
Throw it on the floor,
Smash it,
Crash it,
Catch it in the door,
Some people say that
Fuckin's might good,
But for personal enjoyment,
I'd rather pull me pud!

From THE BOOK OF BAWDY BALLADS edited by Count Palmiro Vucaron, circa 1960.

Charley Ignoble

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: WFDU - Ron Olesko
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 04:30 PM

A guy goes to the eye doctor.

The eye doctors tells him that he has to stop masturbating.

"Why?" asked the guy, "Am I going blind?"

"No" answered the doctor, "but you are disturbing my other patients".

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 04:34 PM

Abbey Sale and Charlie Noble: Your verses are not from the Ball of Kirriemuir, they're from adaptations of Johny Lad.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Don Firth
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 04:39 PM

A variation, Bill.

A clever young fellow named Greene,
Invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex,
It would fit either sex.
But, boy, what a bugger to clean!

Don Firth

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Don Firth
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 04:43 PM

Oh, hell! Don't get me started!

There was a young fellow from Kent,
Whose dick was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble,
He stuck it in double,
So instead of coming, he went.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Abby Sale
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 06:17 PM

As in "Your homeowner's policy will noncontinue as of the next annivrtsary."

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 08:55 PM

The records of hospitals show that insanity, from solitary indulgence, is common. Tissot, Esquirol, Eberle, and others, give ample testimony on this point. The latter, from a careful examination of the facts, assures us that in Paris the proportion of insane persons whose diseases may be traced to the source in question is _one_ in from _fifty-one_ to _fifty-eight_, in the _lower classes_. In the higher classes it is _one_ in _twenty-three_. -- Anon., _The Young Man's Guide_, 2nd ed., Boston, 1834

--- Joe Fineman    [e-mail]

||: Friendship is a black market in respect. :||

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: frogprince
Date: 08 Apr 06 - 11:01 PM

We have a 1920 copy of "The People Home Medical Book" by T.J.Ritter, M.D.,Assistant to the chair of the theory and practice of medicine of the University of Michigan; He assures us that masturbation will blind ya, cripple ya, rot your brain, you name it; I don't know that he establishes any connection between masturbation and toenail fungus.

I knew a fundamentalist 30 years ago in Canada, father of kids from toddler up to high school, who would not allow any publications from the american "Moral Majority" in his home. He had found at least one reference condemning the evil of masturbation in their material. He wasn't angry with them for condemning masturbation; he was angry with them for mentioning masturbation in supposedly Christian literature.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST,Bob Coltman
Date: 09 Apr 06 - 10:11 AM

Go dig my grave both wide and deep,
Put a marble slab on my head and feet,
Upon my breast place a turtle dove
To show this world I died of love.

Now, let's see, how would the song go if it was a ballad about this...?

In London City I once did dwell,
To pull my pud, I loved full well,
I pulled my pud both night and day,
Until my hand went far astray.

There is a place in yonders town
Where I have done it sitting down,
I've done it standing, and on my knee,
Even though bystanders criticize me.

His father he came home from work,
Said where is (name withheld), he seems to shirk,
He went upstairs, the door he broke,
He found the monkey had been choked.

He took a knife and (bleep)
And on his crotch this note he found,
Oh what a silly boy was I
To die of strangling my old snake-eye.

Go dig my grave both wide and deep,
Tie my hands so I can sleep,
And on my coffin a snow-what dove,
To show this world I died of love.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Apr 06 - 10:54 AM

frogprince...I have a leatherbound copy of "Plain Facts" by Dr. Kellog...of the cereal fame. Old "Tie their hands Kellog" as he was known. He advocated spying on kids to be sure they did not indulge in "solitary vice" and various ways to distract, scare or punish them.....and if all methods failed, perhaps tying their hands to the bedpost.

For adults, lukewarm Sitz baths...(warmer might 'excite' the problem areas!)

oh, it's a treasure of important information!

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Jeri
Date: 09 Apr 06 - 11:15 AM

BOB!!! That nearly killed me! I hope you get that copyrighted right away, because it's gonna be a big hit. (Does "(bleep)" mean "can't think of a rhyme right now"?)


..."Tie my hands so I can sleep" ...HA!

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Charley Noble
Date: 09 Apr 06 - 11:18 AM

The "Ball of Kirriemuir," "The Gathering of the Clan," and many other names this bawdy song has gone by, there are probably hundreds of verses and variants and to credit any individual for a particular version would be a futile excercise. The version I'm familar with were sung at song parties in Brookhaven, Long Island, in the late 1950's.

Here's another limerick to spice up this thread which may be original:

There was a young man from Bombay
Who sailed to China one day,
Of the pox he did worry,
So he dabbed on some curry,
And for Ship Street his anchor did weigh!

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST,Art Thieme
Date: 09 Apr 06 - 03:00 PM

Bob,

Here is a potenmtial last verse for your song!!

Alas, alas, he sleeps so sound,
Smiling there deep underground,
The result of excessive personal rowing,
And actually he had it both coming-----and going.

Art

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Jim McLean
Date: 10 Apr 06 - 06:20 AM

Charley, you'r correct in saying there are a few variants of The Ball of K, Highland Gathering etc., but usually they're comprised of mainly bawdy verses sung in 6/8 time with different choruses .. the one we sang as youths(!)

Dance tae yer partner,
Arse against the wall,
If ye've never been fucked on a Saturday night,
Ye've never been fucked atall. ... Extremely rude.

The verse you quoted about the Royal family is from Johnny Lad, a more relaxed, 2/4 or 4/4 tempo. The chorus ..

And wae you, and wae you, and wae you , my Johnny Lad,
Ah'd dance the buckles aff my shin wae you my Johnny lad.

This song is not really vulgar as it was a Glasgow kids' street song. Verses about the Royal family crept in around the late fifties:
The Queen was in the parlour,
Eatin' bread and honey;
The Duke was in the countin' house,
Fiddlin' Scotland's money!

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Charley Noble
Date: 10 Apr 06 - 08:47 AM

Jim-

The version (The Ball of K, Highland Gathering etc.) that was recorded in the late 1950's in Bellport, Long Island, was led by Dennis Puleston who was originally from England and knew a wealth of bawdy and other music hall ditties. His chorus sounds something like this, some words being hard to distinguish from the ruckus party noise:

Chorus:

Wha' dae ye last nicht,
Wha' do ye noo?
The mon wha dae ye last nicht
Canna do ye noo.

The chorus suggests that variety may add spice to life.

I'm just getting around to attempting to edit these old tapes, which I picked up copies of last year. We used to have homemade records based on these tapes that we received for Christmas but they are pretty much worn out - state of the art from 1960!

Cheerily,
Charley Noble

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Jim McLean
Date: 10 Apr 06 - 11:44 AM

Yes Charlie, the chorus you quote is the 'clean' one and usually pronounced,sung, in an East coast (Aberdonian) accent and goes like this:
Fall dae it this time,
Fall dae it noo,
The yin (wan,ane) that did it the last time
Canna dae it noo.

'Fall' meaning 'who will'

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Charley Noble
Date: 10 Apr 06 - 01:37 PM

Jim-

Thanks for decoding the chorus. It wasn't easy to pick out from the old recording, but it's rare that you get a recording of what the party sounded like when such a song was sung.

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST,RIchard Bridge
Date: 10 Apr 06 - 04:57 PM

This may however be viewed as a reminder that many aspects of prohibition in the name of "morality" are matters of fashion.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST,JohnB
Date: 10 Apr 06 - 08:51 PM

"I'm a Wanker, I'm a Wanker
and it does me good like it Bloody well should
I'm a Wanker, I'm a Wanker
and I'm always pulling my Pud"

A gem from Ivor Biggun and the Red Nosed Burglers.

He also does one about being the World's Greatest Wanker
One bit goes soemthing like.
"I am the World's Greatest Wanker,
I'm known throughout the Land.
Everyone want's to meet me
BUT nobody want's to shake my hand."

JohnB

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Abby Sale
Date: 11 Apr 06 - 10:03 AM

Jim - a minor elucidation--

No difference to the meaning of it but shouldn't 'fall' be written "fa'll?" Proper grammer & all that.

Reminds me of this:

To: ,
Subject: [scots-l] Aberdonian Speech
From: "Ian Adkins"
Date: Wed, 13 Dec 2000 14:28:40 -0500

Thare wis an English insurance adjustor up frae Londontoun, cam tae Neu Aiberdein tae settle a claim. In their intercourse th claimant, a rough wirkin-class Aberdonian, spiers th adjustor, "Fa dee dee dee o?" Th adjustor, no unnerstaunin at aw, spiert o th man's lawyer a translation.

Chalkin it up tae a lack o education innat, th lawyer replied, "Whit he meant wis, O fa dee dee dee?"

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST,Bob Coltman
Date: 12 Apr 06 - 05:40 AM

um, Jeri...

(bleep) is I don't wanna think about what he did with that knife.

Bob

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST,Bob Coltman
Date: 12 Apr 06 - 07:02 AM

Facing the matter squarely...

(by the way, I don't like my title for this, anybody got any suggestions?)

THE BOTCHER BOY 2.0

By Bob Coltman April 12, 2006

In New Orleans where did dwell,
To pull my pud I loved full well,
I pulled my pud both night and day,
Until my hand went far astray.

There is a place in yonders town
Where I have done it sitting down,
I've done it standing, and on my knee,
Even though bystanders criticize me.

It's grief to me, I'll tell you why,
Others have done it more than I,
But though I jerk, and let it fly,
My life will shortly go bye-bye.

He went upstairs to make his bed,
And not one word to his mother said,
His mother she went upstairs too,
Said, son, dear son, now aren't you through?

His father he came home from work,
Said where is Son, he's like clockwork,
He went upstairs, the door he broke,
He found the monkey had been choked.

He took a knife and cut it down,
And on his crotch this note he found,
Oh what a silly boy was I
To die of strangling my old snake-eye.

Go dig my grave both wide and deep,
Tie my hands so I can sleep,
And on my coffin a latex glove,
To show this world I died of love.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST,Bob Coltman
Date: 12 Apr 06 - 07:06 AM

or, better ( = worse) maybe,

Where is Son, does he still jerk?

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 12 Apr 06 - 10:34 PM

Additional folkloric comment: Didn't John Henry die with his hammer in his hand?

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST,Bob Coltman
Date: 13 Apr 06 - 05:43 PM

I would think beating a steam drill down must, in this context, be Olympic quality athletics.

As Dr. Johnson once said, "Very good—of its kind."

Oh, and by the way, I now prefer "DIED OF LOVE" as the title for my opus above. Tain't perfect...(perfect taint?)...but an improvement. And so impeccably (impeccably? don't start) traditional too.

I think we're beginning to prove that Everything Is Double Entendre. And after all, why not.

Bob

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 Apr 06 - 08:03 PM

Damn, this thread is popular!

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Bill D
Date: 13 Apr 06 - 08:29 PM

"When properly viewed,
Everything's lewd!"

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Apr 06 - 09:09 PM

The village choirboy he was there
And thought that it was grand
Amusing himself by abusing himself
And collecting the drops in his hand.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Charley Noble
Date: 13 Apr 06 - 09:39 PM

A shiek from old Timbuctu
Said, "When properly viewed,
Virgins are nice,
With hot butter and rice,
And everything's perfectly lewd!"

Charkey Ignoble

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST,Art Thieme
Date: 14 Apr 06 - 12:58 AM

The first limerick i ever heard... I think I was 3.

Once was a young man from Kalamazoo
Went sailing one night in his canoe
While dreaming of Venus he tickled his penis,
And woke up with a canoe full o' goo.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST,Bentley
Date: 14 Apr 06 - 01:36 AM

There was a young man from Bangkok
Who got his tool caught in a rock
He pulled it so hard
That he stretched it a yard
Now the women hang round in a flock

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Folkiedave
Date: 14 Apr 06 - 03:32 AM

Man goes to doctor and says he has a penis problem. The doctor asks him about his sex life. "I make love when I wake up, once after breakfast, come home for a quickie during my morning break, make love before and after lunch, come home for a quickie in my afternoon break, make love before and after tea, go to bed about 9.00 pm and spend the time to midnight making love".

When the doctor tells him he doesn't seem to have a penis problem he tells the doctor, "But it hurts when I wank".

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 14 Apr 06 - 04:52 AM

On the Doric dialect theme, there was also the story about an Aberdonian child on his first ski-ing trip, who when given skis to don asked the teacher. "Fit fit fits fit?"
Another of his contemporaries when asked if he knew what jazz is, said "Aye it's thon big white shark"

Giok
I'll get ma bunnet.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Jim McLean
Date: 14 Apr 06 - 06:09 PM

Aye, Giok, and there's wee lassie who said to her teacher "D'ye no' know no no Nannette?"

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: alanabit
Date: 15 Apr 06 - 02:42 AM

He took his life in his hands?

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 15 Apr 06 - 04:34 AM

It was suicide if he died by his own hand!
G

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Apr 06 - 05:59 AM

I've got the whole world in my hand,
I've got the whole world in my hand,
I've got the whole world in my hand,
I've got the whole world in my hand.

I've got my... etc.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Apr 06 - 07:52 AM

Let it go, let it go, God bless it,
It's mine wherever it may be,
I've yanked it this wide world over,
But now it's been the death of me.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 17 Apr 06 - 11:33 AM

Sex is good for one,

But even better for two!

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: frogprince
Date: 17 Apr 06 - 12:11 PM

What a bunch of jerks!

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Tootler
Date: 17 Apr 06 - 05:08 PM

M.C. And in this cage, ladies and gentlemen we have the Winky Wanky bird

Audience (incredulous) The Winky Wanky Bird?

M.C. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Winky Wanky Bird. This amazing creature has its foreskin attached to it eyelid, so [pause for effect] as it winks; it wanks!

Audience (bursting into song)
We're off to see the wild west show
The elephant and the kangaroo
Never mind the weather
As long as we're together
We're off to see the wild west show.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST,Granny
Date: 17 Apr 06 - 08:14 PM

Safe Sex is in the palm of your hand....

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: JohnB
Date: 17 Apr 06 - 08:36 PM

No Lady please don't throw sand in it's eyes.

As Ken Dodd used to sing
"happiness apenis the GREATEST gift that I posses,
I thank the Lord that I,ve been blessed,
with more than my share of Apenis"

And in the words of the Egg Marketing Board
"A penis is Egg shaped"
JohnB

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Apr 06 - 08:15 AM

HOUSE OF THE RISING SON

I yanked it in New Orleans,
From sun to rising sun,
It's been the ruin of many a poor boy,
And me, oh God, I'm one.

My mama said I would go blind,
Ever since I was in my teens,
My papa said I would go mad,
Way down in New Orleans.

One finger on the cockshaft,
The other on my brain,
I'm going back to New Orleans
To wear that daisy chain.

My life is almost over,
My race is almost run,
I'm going to give it one more jerk
And then, oh God, I'm done.

Go tell my baby brother
Never do as I have done,
Just keep your hands in your pockets, boy,
And off your Rising Son.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: GUEST,Sandy Andina
Date: 19 Apr 06 - 12:54 AM

An Arkansas woman named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And most of her anus in Dallas.

Subject: RE: happy? - Apr 8 (Died of masturbation)
From: Mr Happy
Date: 25 Apr 06 - 11:50 AM

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masturbation