Anthology of heckler putdowns

Subject: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: stallion
Date: 20 May 06 - 05:40 AM

I thought it might be a good idea for catters to contribute to a bank of "putdowns" for artists to use. One I heard forty years ago, when people start shushing to get the audience quiet, say sorry and sing in a whisper, it shut people up! The other one came from a colleague this year, it was actually the truth but was recieved with howls of laughter. We were singing on a boat and Someone shouted "don't give up your day Job" reply " You must be joking, I get £200k a year for working twenty hours!"
Any way I thought the reaction was hilarious.
So come on lets have em

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,MC Fat
Date: 20 May 06 - 06:31 AM

Some friends of mine had the misfortune of appearing on a TV talent show some years ago hosted by Des O'Connor it was called 'Pot of Gold' or something stupid like that. One of the judges was Gary Bushell who hated them and said 'Don't give up your day job'. Glen and Paul used this for years as an attributal quote from Mr Bushell adding the strap line 'As this was our day job we took this as a compliment'

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: cetmst
Date: 20 May 06 - 06:35 AM

Patty Larkin's song 'Pretty Good for a Broad'

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Chris Green
Date: 20 May 06 - 06:36 AM

'They ruined a perfectly good arsehole when they put teeth in your mouth.'

'How would you like it if I followed you and your wife home and wrecked your performance?'

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 20 May 06 - 07:14 AM

"Sir (or Madam),I thought the idea of heckling was to make ME look stupid!"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST
Date: 20 May 06 - 07:16 AM

"D'you know what they call people like you where I come from? They call them 'baiters'... and you're a master".

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: DMcG
Date: 20 May 06 - 07:21 AM

One was mentioned in the radio last night, first heard from David Icke as far as they knew: "The worst I can wish you is that you are reincarnated as yourself."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 20 May 06 - 07:55 AM

A couple from the Hamsters blues/pub rock band last week to a woman whowas screeching and calling out all the time:"What time did you start on the Bacardi Breezers>" and "This one's for you and all the other peole with a personality disorder"!

RtS

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: alanabit
Date: 20 May 06 - 07:59 AM

Similar to El Greko's is one I used to use:
"I'd like to make a fool of you..." (looking upwards) "...but someone has beaten me to it!"
"The last time I saw one that size, it was hanging at the back of a donkey." (For really rude hecklers only).
When I was at college, being heckled by sports students:
"You can always tell the jocks - the ones with athlete's mouth..."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 May 06 - 07:59 AM

Anthology? surely you mean Thesuras. (the sore arse)

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Chris Green
Date: 20 May 06 - 08:03 AM

'When they circumcised you, did they throw the wrong bit away?'

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 20 May 06 - 08:28 AM

Is that your own brain, or are you breaking it in for an idiot ?

eric

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Don Meixner
Date: 20 May 06 - 09:06 AM

I think that there is probably no one faster on his feet at destroying hecklers than Seamus Kennedy.

I did this once and it worked very well.
" Are you heckling me?" "Oh my how very exciting! I've never been heckled before!" Then I went over to the table where he and his date were sitting and sat down. I ordered a drink for him and carried on. "Gee this is a first for me... how should I behave. Should I be pissed or should I be embarassed............"

It cost me a beer but the jerks date got so feed up with the whole joint looking at them and laughing that she dragged him out with the entire place going nuts on them.

This was my only time really and I don't do bars as a single anymore, ever.

Don

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 20 May 06 - 09:58 AM

"Hey, do I come to where you work, and knock the cock out of your mouth?"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Hillheader
Date: 20 May 06 - 10:12 AM

"Stand up please - it will make it easier for your Care Worker find you again."

"Is your tag beeping?"

"Not many people survive a head shot. You're doing really well."

"Last time I heard a noise like that it was coming from an abbatoir"

"Are you aware of the management policy on substance abuse?"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: mandotim
Date: 20 May 06 - 11:54 AM

How about;
'Would you like us to play quieter so you can hear yourselves shouting?'
or
'I'd love to stand here and have a battle of wits with you, but you are obviously unarmed'
or
'Don't worry lads, I remember my first pint too...'
or
'Lets hear it for the world's only surviving brain transplant donor!'
And for people who leave their mobile phones on; learn the 'Nokia'tune, and play it as soon as the phone goes off, even in the middle of another song.
Tim from Bit on the Side

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Jim McLean
Date: 20 May 06 - 11:59 AM

Danny Kyle was an expert at handling hecklers. Once, when a drunk was having a go Danny said "lean against the wall, it's plastered as well". Another time when someone hissed, he said " hey missus, your bra's leakin'".

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 20 May 06 - 12:43 PM

Did your mother have any kids that survived?

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 20 May 06 - 01:05 PM

Shall I play at your parents wedding?

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 20 May 06 - 01:33 PM

Do you suck your father with that mouth?

(that works on everyone)

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Effsee
Date: 20 May 06 - 01:58 PM

"Somewhere a village has lost it's idiot". Richard Thompson

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Folkiedave
Date: 20 May 06 - 02:57 PM

Last time I saw a mouth like that Lester Piggot was behind it.

To a photographer - "The flashes don't bother me, I used to be a welder".

Both from Billy Connolly

And to a comedian from down south who gave me the "Anyone from the North of England? Here's a tenner go and buy yourself a house"

"Here's twenty quid, go and get yourself a bus ticket."

And from Kate Rusby: "Not exactly a fashion statement are you?" to someone who lent her a jacket at an open air concert when the temeprature dropped.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Peace
Date: 20 May 06 - 03:01 PM

Doc Watson's mild rebuke to a young heckler: "That's alright son, I remember the night I had my first beer."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 21 May 06 - 05:02 AM

Staring inquisitively at the heckler and asking.... "Who cut your hair?"

You don't make much money, do you? Or else, you wouldn't have chosen those clothes.


DC

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Pete Sumner
Date: 21 May 06 - 11:44 AM

One I remember from Mike Harding circa 1978...

"I need a microphone to talk that loud..."

and from Stan Rogers about the same time...

"As they say around my way...hush your clabber-jaw"

Pete Sumner

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: jaze
Date: 21 May 06 - 11:50 AM

On another thread with a similar theme-someone said a performer replied to a heckler "It's a damn shame your father didn't just settle for a blow job that night"! That's got to be the ultimate putdown.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Deni-C
Date: 21 May 06 - 04:36 PM

To all boorish, stupid or vicious hecklers, (we love the funny and witty ones) .

YOu want to get up onstage with us? i've got a lovely dress in the van that'll fit you. Only trouble is I don't have enough lipstick to go round that big mouth of yours.

D

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Peace
Date: 21 May 06 - 04:49 PM

Robin Williams dealt with a heckler thus: "I hope you wear condoms; we don't need too many of you around."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 21 May 06 - 04:49 PM

" "It's a damn shame your father didn't just settle for a blow job that night"!"

Naaah.... better is "It's too bad your mom didn't start swallowing until she met me."

On the same tack as "Somewhere a village has lost it's idiot", "If you're here, who's working the Glory Hole tonight?"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 21 May 06 - 08:52 PM

"The force of his personality is illustrated by the story -- true or false -- of his encounter with a drunken man at a meeting. This man, it appears, was of the opposite political party, and interrupted frequently. At last Mr. Gladstone fixed him with his eye, and spake these words: `May I request the gentleman who has, not once but repeatedly, interrupted my observations by his interjections, to extend to me that large measure of courtesy which, were I in his place and he in mine, I should most unhesitatingly extend to him.' It is said -- and I can well believe it -- that the man was sobered by the shock, and remained silent the rest of the evening." -- Bertrand Russell

That speech deserves to be memorized carefully, and the word "gentleman" needs to be pronounced with just the right degree of emphasis.

--- Joe Fineman    [e-mail]

||: The world goes its way past all who will not partake of its folly. :||

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 21 May 06 - 09:17 PM

Ya... I'll bet YOU play a lot of gigs eh Joe F.....

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 May 06 - 09:22 PM

Not for heckling, but for quieting persistant talkers.

Robbie Robinson playing the 4 string banjo - started his bracket loud, got softer and softer, then suddenly, back to full volume! The talkers got sucked in to talking quieter and quieter, then suddenly noticed when the music got louder, and all shut up!

Brilliant trick!

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: ossonflags
Date: 22 May 06 - 03:22 AM

two I love;

"dont tell me how to do my job, I dont come to your work and show you how to sweep up/stack shelves/shaft a broom"

" We have just recieved a call from your village, they are missing an idiot"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: alanabit
Date: 22 May 06 - 04:10 AM

"Children, just drink lemonade!"
"Doesn't alcohol make a lot of noise when it is rattling around in an empty head."
"Some people think a big mouth makes up for a small penis."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 22 May 06 - 04:44 AM

I'll let you off. I remember the first time I tried beer.

Congratulations; you're a perfect argument against brother-sister marriages.

When you were born, did they let your mother out of her cell?

What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?

Look folks - a face not even a mother could love.

Now we know why some animals eat their own children.

What do you want to do if you grow up?

I bet you get bullied a lot.

Look, this is my job. I don't turn up at your work and spit on the burgers.

Let me guess - tonight's square dance was cancelled, right?

Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I started yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Mo the caller
Date: 22 May 06 - 05:54 AM

Most of the above sound pretty vivcious, but I found

"And from Kate Rusby: "Not exactly a fashion statement are you?" to someone who lent her a jacket at an open air concert when the temeprature dropped."

completely uncalled for. (and I shan't lend her anything again)

Well actually I wouldn't lend anybody who looked like her anything I would wear anyway.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 22 May 06 - 05:58 AM

I don't approve of offensive put-downs which might upset other members of an audience. The purpose should be to make the heckler look small, not to drag the performer down to the same level as the pillock who is interrupting.
When I started going to folk clubs in the late 1970s one of the things which often made for an enjoyable evening was a good heckler. One who made witty comments which added to the entertainment. A different bag from the drunk in a crowd in a bar, though.

At the Topic in Bradford we had a regular who heckled a lot, usually sat at the nearest table to the stage as he had problems with his legs. About the only time I recall him at a loss for words was the time when the performer looked down and said "If you don't shut up, I'll weld your calipers together".

On the other hand Tony Capstick was the master of playing with a heckler. If the audience was quiet, he was a good singer, but if he had a heckler, then suddenly he had twice the act.

Probably the worst put down was a friend who stepped in when a female singer was being interrupted. He stood up and in a loud voice broadcast to the rowdy elements "Will you lot shut up and give the poor cow a chance....."

Quack!
GtD.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Splott Man
Date: 22 May 06 - 07:39 AM

To the rest of the audience

Have some sympathy, it's a night out for him..

and a night off for his family

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Scrump
Date: 22 May 06 - 07:52 AM

Ooerr! I'd be scared to use most of the put-downs here in the places I normally play, (a) because they'd probably offend the whole audience (not just the heckler) - these venues often have youngsters present and I wouldn't feel comfortable with the references to oral s*x, inc*st, etc.; and (b) because they're small venues and I wouldn't feel safe being a few feet away from a hulking great drunken brute who might decide to smash my instrument over my head in response. Maybe I've led a sheltered life?!

Does anyone have any "family friendly" putdowns? I haven't so far had too much problem with hecklers, but it would be nice to shut up people nattering in the background while I'm introducing songs, etc., which is the only problem I regularly experience.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: redsnapper
Date: 22 May 06 - 08:37 AM

In more than 35 years performing publicly I don't remember ever being heckled. Nor have I ever found it necessary to heckle another performer as an audience member.

Maybe I'm just lucky or odd? Probably the latter.

RS

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: stallion
Date: 22 May 06 - 09:23 AM

well, i like the number of responses, I myself prefer the subtler aproach, the least offensive the better. And yes sometimes the "heckler" can add to a show but only if a performer has a good armoury of responses, to wit the thread. keep it up and maybe we ought to have a vote on our favourites! My favourite was the guy who sat with a heckler and asked how he should behave cos it was his first time. This also means trawling through the thread to find the good ones. A bit like singer/songwriters (oops I think I might get flak for that comment , joke - honest)

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: mandotim
Date: 22 May 06 - 09:34 AM

Scrump; the best way of dealing with natterers is to play quieter, until it becomes obvious too them and others that they are talking too loud. Then go back to 'normal' volume. You can extend this a bit by quietening the rest of the audience 'so we can all hear this fascinating conversation'. The odd quiet aside can be good as well; if you can get the rest of the audience to laugh at the problem ones, that usually shuts them up. Having said that, sometimes drastic measures are necessary; I remember a young woman standing between our duo and the audience, yelling into her mobile phone (we were playing 'unplugged' to an audience of about 50.) We moved out from the stage, stood either side of her and played as loud as we could into both ears. She moved away, (still talking) but we followed her, as far as the ladies toilets. Lots of applause, and I bet she didn't do it again!
Tim from Bit on the Side

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,the real me
Date: 22 May 06 - 12:57 PM

To any young and impressionable readers: many of these put-downs are far more ignorant and offensive than anything I've ever heard from a heckler - don't use them if you're playing in a decent joint, not if you want to be asked back for another gig.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 22 May 06 - 01:03 PM

From Tom Lehrer: The outpatients are out in force tonight, I see! And on a bad reaction to a joke: The rest of you can look it up when you get home.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: alanabit
Date: 22 May 06 - 01:18 PM

I wish I had only ever played gigs like the ones "the real me" is talking about. Believe me, you have to work very hard to make me respond with rudeness. It is just that I have not spent the lion's share of my performing career gigging for vicars and nice old ladies!

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: mandotim
Date: 22 May 06 - 01:41 PM

I think 'the real me' must play different gigs to me, too. Places I play, being able to handle noise, drunks, would-be performers, bar-room wits and just plain rude people is essential. The reason; it's on behalf of the people who actually come to listen and be entertained. One session I play in, the quality of repartee with the non-players in the pub is at least as important as the music; and the regulars come and listen to that, too. On one famous occasion a drunk approached the musicians and demanded a Dylan song; he wouldn't go away, so the six of us spontaneously played a Dylan song; six different ones, all at once. The pub audience collapsed with laughter, and the drunk learned a lesson. Scary thing was, it still sounded like a Dylan song...
Tim from Bit on the Side

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: kendall
Date: 22 May 06 - 01:51 PM

I've never played a place where such crude remarks are acceptable.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Sir Roger de Beverley
Date: 22 May 06 - 03:01 PM

The Crickets were playing at the Winter Gardens, Cleethorpes(yes, I know)and a drunken heckler was causing a problem. They called him up on stage, put him in front of a microphone and walked off themselves - wasn't long before they were back and he was out the door.

R

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Rockhen
Date: 22 May 06 - 03:09 PM

In small voice.......I've played at the Winter Gardens...and it was only as a support act....but no one heckled us....I feel deprived....!

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Hillheader
Date: 22 May 06 - 03:26 PM

"Ladies and Gentlemen. Meet the man Barnado's left on a doorstep"

"I give you proof of Darwin's theory. It this case, yesterday."

An ajoinder to the "face that only a mother would love" is "pity your an orphan".

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,AR282
Date: 22 May 06 - 05:15 PM

"Folks, this is my best friend [name], he's going to come up and perform for us!"

"You have the mind of a 4-year-old and I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,the real me
Date: 22 May 06 - 05:23 PM

For the record, I've played in many places that I'm sure are every bit as rough as those that you tough guys are talking about, and I've had to deal with plenty of hecklers that I have no doubt would stack up nicely against yours. I do appreciate the condescension, though.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: mandotim
Date: 22 May 06 - 07:16 PM

Hi Guest the real me; sorry you think I was being condescending. You've missed the point completely; no-one uses these tactics with hecklers routinely. They are a sort of 'lifebelt' to use when someone in the audience is either making it difficult for the performer to perform, or for the majority of the audience to enjoy that performance. I've seen orchestral conductors deal very wittily with sweet packet rustlers in the audience; as a small boy I remember the great Malcolm Sargeant (tongue firmly in cheek) inviting someone to his house for dinner before the next concert (because then he wouldn't need to eat his supper during the performance). Sometimes asking someone politely to be quiet works, and sometimes it doesn't. The usefulness of this thread is in showing the variety of ways that situations can be handled, and I guess it's up to each of us, within our own genres and settings, to take from it what we will.
One other point; it's possible to say something that looks rude and offensive when written down, and offend no-one, whilst still getting the point across. It depends how you say it, and the non-verbal signals that accompany the words.
Tim from Bit on the Side

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 May 06 - 07:17 PM

Is it true that when you sing in the shower, even the hot water runs cold?

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 22 May 06 - 08:01 PM

I take exception to your statement, no-one uses these tactics with hecklers routinely.

I do. It seems to be part of the schtickt. Every folk performance is different... never a two the same. Done in good fun and jest it is entertainment. Insults and barbs keep the mind alive and the audience jolly.

Without the straight line - and the occasion - I can't think of a single one at the moment. Although, I have 10,000 plus available from vaudville collections - you need a spark-plug in the audience - and they work best when the audience "gets it" and the "stooge" is clueless - the more worked up they get - the funnier it is. Yeah, a rare few get bounced.

(No - I don't sit in the audience at Kimmel Center Pittsburgh and throw Yo-Momma lines at a Japanese celloist, either.)

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

All too many folk take their music much too seriously.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST
Date: 22 May 06 - 09:26 PM

Shut the fuck up.   Ronnie Drew

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST
Date: 22 May 06 - 10:54 PM

"Your Mind Is On Vacation" by Mose Allison
"The Hecler" by Loudon Wainwright III

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 23 May 06 - 02:17 AM

It depends on the heckler.
If he/she is witty and adds to the performance, then the give and take can enhance the show, and the audience will enjoy it.

Since it's MY show, I usually have the last line, but if the heckler is good I will occasionally let him/her have the last laugh.

If the heckler is drunk and/or abusive and can't be stopped with a couple of zingers, and is distracting the audience, then I'll say politely that they are spoiling it for everyone else and ask them to quiet down. If that doesn't work, take a break and call the bouncer.

Once in a while a drunk heckler can be very funny, but if I give him/her too much latitude then he/she wants to be the star of the show, so giving him/her too much attention can backfire as well.

The ones who really annoy me are the patrons who make a big deal out of requesting a particular song and then talk all the way through it.
That's when I stop singing, and address them directly: "here's the song you requested, will you for heaven's sake listen to it!"

I had a guy one time who requested a song, and when I started singing it, he got up and went to the bathroom.
So I unplugged my guitar, got down off the stage and followed him in, and stood behind him at the urinal singing the song. I said: "Here's your request; I didn't want you to miss it."
The crowd had followed me, so the toilet was full of men and women watching me sing to a guy taking a leak. What a jolly moment!!

Seamus

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: alanabit
Date: 23 May 06 - 02:48 AM

I'm on the side of Seamus and Mandotim. If I am wrestling on the floor with my seven year old son, you will rightly surmise that I am a pussy cat and use about as much force. I have trained in martial arts several times a week for many years now, so I have been taught to watch my manners at all times and never fight unnecessarily. It would be unwise to expect me to use the same tactics if you mugged me in a back alley though!
The level of your response depends upon the situation you are in. Like Seamus, my primary aim is to keep myself in a position to entertain the audience. I don't mind a heckler getting in a line or two at my expense, but I am getting paid to do the job - and I'm buggered if I'll hand the job over to a drunk.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: alanabit
Date: 23 May 06 - 02:49 AM

Another one I like:
"You see, it's not always a bad thing when they raise the price of beer..."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: bfdk
Date: 23 May 06 - 06:25 AM

Not about heckling exactly, but one that I remember still, although it happened about 20 years ago:

The light had been dimmed and the McCalmans had just started with the opening chords of the first song in the second set, when two stragglers, young girls, started making their way past some 15 pairs of knees to get to their seats in the middle of the second row. Not a word was said from the stage, but the Macs "looped" the opening chords, playing them over and over again, while three pairs of eyes followed the two unfortunates from the stage all the way to their seats, heads turning in unison to mark their progress. This took a while, and by the time they reached their seats, every eye in the audience was looking their way. Once the two were safely parked, the Macs effortlessly picked up where they'd left off, and spontaneous applause broke out.

Bente

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: stallion
Date: 23 May 06 - 06:29 AM

I agree with some that say heckling can add to an act. Try South Shields folk club, the rapore is cutting, witty and hilarious, no one is immune, even people on crutches ("gethim a set of roller blades") let alone the guest! This is good humoured and makes the club one of the friendliest and ameniable places I have ever guested in. I can't get on with people who deliberately set outwreck an evening, probably jealous because they are not the centre of attention.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Diva
Date: 23 May 06 - 06:42 AM

I usually ask them if they'd like to get up and sing.....so far no ones taken up the offer.....

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: jojofolkagogo
Date: 23 May 06 - 06:51 AM

I want to say that "dirty" responses just make YOU look smaller than the heckler - WIT is the only proper response to hecklers - even if it does go completely over their heads !!! (but most of the audience will get it).

So, dont be dirty, be FUNNY !

Jo-Jo

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: greg stephens
Date: 23 May 06 - 07:11 AM

I am crap with hecklers. For a start, I never hear what they actually say, so I have to say "Sorry?". Then, if they repeat it, I can never think of anything to say at all. So I tend to smile weakly, and get on with what I was doing.
   I would like to commend something I've always admired in JOhn from Hull's writing. It is a riposte he often uses. If someone writes a particularly insulting post directed at him, or posts a particuarly well-argued and well-documented reply to one of his assertions, he replies, very simply:
   "oh"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: kendall
Date: 23 May 06 - 08:56 AM

It's much more satisfying to out smart hecklers, and it's usually not hard to do. Make them look foolish, it really takes little effort.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: alanabit
Date: 23 May 06 - 09:54 AM

Let's face it, a lot of them don't need our help to make them look foolish!

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: mandotim
Date: 23 May 06 - 02:13 PM

Guest Gargoyle; do you you have a list of forthcoming gigs? Perhaps I could come along and take exception to something you sing or play?
;) Tim from Bit on the Side

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Cluin
Date: 23 May 06 - 03:31 PM

Always remember... You are the one with the microphone.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 23 May 06 - 04:04 PM

Correct, Cluin.
Never mess with the guy with the mic.
You may be funnier, you may be faster, but he's louder.

Seamus

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Wesley S
Date: 23 May 06 - 04:35 PM

At a Martin Mull concert many years ago - he had some stragglers show up about 20 minutes into the show. He said "You're Late!" and proceed to tell them everything they had missed. "Well first I came in stage right and I sat down. Then I got a big laugh when I took my gum out and stuck in on the chair. Then I started my first song....."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Don Firth
Date: 23 May 06 - 05:59 PM

I can't say that I've had to deal with that many hecklers. It just didn't happen that often. But in most of the places I've performed, if someone started up with me or any of the other singers, the management was on them like a cougar on a rabbit. One coffeehouse owner in particular, Stan, a fine performer himself, was really good about that. If someone got disruptive, Stan would come out of the kitchen, quietly tell them that whatever they had was on the house, and then say, "Now get out. And don't come back."

There was one occasion where a guy was trying to talk louder than I could sing—and I had the mike. I knew the guy. He was an ordained jerk. People kept shushing him, but he kept right on running his mouth. Stan had stepped out for a moment, so he didn't hear him, otherwise he would have bounced him. So I didn't try to be cute, I just took the direct approach. I paused in mid-song, leaned in to within an inch or two of the mike (which was normally about a foot and a half away), and simply said, "Alex! Shut the hell up!!" Like the Voice of God booming through the place.

When the crowd burst into applause, he got up and left very quickly. I never saw him again.

In a place like a coffeehouse, it's perhaps a little much to expect everybody in the audience to remain dead quiet while one is singing. But common courtesy demands that they keep it down and not disturb the performer or those who are listening. Usually someone at a nearby table would lean over and put a quiet word in their ear (something similar to what I said to Alex). On the occasion when a conversation became audible beyond a few feet and no one else intervened, I found that if I waited before starting my next song and just looked at them, the rest of the audience would also turn and stare at them. It was as if we were all waiting for them to finish their conversation so we could continue. It proved very effective.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Girl Friday
Date: 05 Jul 06 - 08:29 PM

Mike Harding circa 1976 - "Check your flies - I think your brain's falling out"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Charmion
Date: 06 Jul 06 - 11:52 AM

Stan Rogers to a persistent natterer in an Ottawa night club, summer 1981: "Sir -- yes, you sir. First time on the planet, sir?"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: JennyO
Date: 06 Jul 06 - 12:12 PM

"You must have come from the shallow end of the gene pool"

I remember somebody - not sure who, it might have been Martin Pearson, who on hearing somebody's mobile phone ringing, invited them to give him the phone, and he chatted to the person on the other end about what was happening. If it wasn't Martin, then it certainly was the sort of thing he might do.

Anyone who has been lucky enough to hear him in action, particularly in his shows with John Thompson, knows that playing with hecklers is very much a part of the entertainment. He's very quick wit, and always has a good line for any occasion. Unfortunately I can't remember any of them right now.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: IvanB
Date: 06 Jul 06 - 01:50 PM

While I understand that performer/heckler repartee can be entertaining in many cases, I wonder about the audience members in some of the more extreme instances mentioned here. As a member of the audience I rarely hesitate to chide persons who are detracting from my enjoyment of a performance, especially if it's something I've paid to attend. I figure their paid attendance doesn't give them the automatic right to ruin MY experience.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Greg B
Date: 06 Jul 06 - 02:10 PM

As an audience member with a gaggle of magpies behind or beside me,
I find it quite effective to simply turn, fold my hands, and
feign rapt attention to what is going on with them, rather than
on stage. Stops them cold in seconds.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Fred McCormick
Date: 06 Jul 06 - 02:18 PM

The one I enjoyed giving out with the most arose when I was singing at a club in Nottingham. There was a geezer sat right in front of me with a woman on either side. The three of them kept up a barrage of natter all the way through both sets.

When my night of purgatory was finished and I was glad to get out of the place, he came over. "Really enjoyed the evening", he said. "You've a grand voice".

"Thanks for the compliment", replies I. "When's you're funeral ?"

"I'll let you know", says he.

"Please do," I said. "I'll come and talk all the way through it."

He went absolutely ballistic and stomped off into the night shouting "You wouldn't last five minutes in an Irish band". Who would want to if it meant suffering an idiot like him.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Bill Hahn//\\
Date: 06 Jul 06 - 05:49 PM

How about this from Groucho Marx---I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But, with this crowd, this is not it.

Or Winston Churchill who was a great wit: I wager you are a modest little person---and you have much to be modest about.


Bill Hahn

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Matt_R
Date: 06 Jul 06 - 06:17 PM

You sucked so hard I got windburn on my lips.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 06 Jul 06 - 08:14 PM

To a persistent natterer in the audience:-

Me: "Excuse me sir.....yes you sir. Haven't I seen you before?"

Him: Errrr, no, I don't think so"

Me: "I'm sure I have seen you before, I never forget a face"

Him: (turning a bit pink) "NO, we've never met"

Me: "AH YES! I have it, I've seen you on television. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a celebrity with us tonight. Please give a big round of applause to (pause for effect)....INTERFERENCE".

Big laugh, and silence for the rest of the set.

Don T.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 06 Jul 06 - 08:18 PM

P.S. In the poor guy's defence, I should admit that he came and apologised afterward, and turned out to be a nice, if rather thoughtless, bloke.

His face was still bright red, after half an hour.

DT

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Amos
Date: 06 Jul 06 - 08:37 PM

A friend an I were swapping moments performing at a campsite, but he was having too much fun, and was just carrying on conversations with the folks listening, whenever I was doing a song. When he played, I would back him up or just stand quietly. Very irritating... Finally we came to a lull, and he turned and asked, "What do y' want to do?". I said, "Here - stand back here and do a song, and I'll stand in front of you and talk loudly to the audience...".   The whole gang cracked up, and he tuned bright red.

Ah well. It was a loverly evening anyway.

A

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Slag
Date: 08 Jul 06 - 04:36 PM

Whatever your response to the offender is, just remember the vast majority of the audience is on your side. Know WHO your audience is, who the tenderst heart belongs to and gear your response to not offend THAT person (Hopefully, that would be you!) Always bring the audience in on your side and make the heckler aware that he/she is the focus of everyone's interrupted entertainment. If you are a musician learn a few funny little ditties that clump, bump and mimic someone in their cups. Often no words are needed. Keep it fun. Keep it light. If you know going in that it's a rowdy crowd or there is a potential for things to get out of hand set a few strategies up with the bouncer(s) or management before hand.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Floor Zit
Date: 09 Jul 06 - 03:40 AM

First heard from either Blossom or the Bishop of Shinners Rats:

"Listen sonny, I'm a professional, just like your Mother"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: John-S
Date: 09 Jul 06 - 05:03 AM

Another one from Danny Kyle.

Can I borrow your face? I want to haunt a house.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 09 Jul 06 - 07:26 AM

Aah wez once in a folk club where two lady visitors who had 'popped in because we heard the music' were unaware of club protocol and were carrying on a conversation over the singers.

One performer (in between numbers) pointed out the correct behavior to which one lady apologised but the other took umbrage and declared that "If I want to carry on a conversation in public - I Will"

To which the performer replied - "My Goodness! It's You!!! We were all wondering what happened to you and your sister after Cinderella got married"

Another great put-down is "I see you've found the antidote to 'Oil Of Olay/Grecian 2000/etc"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Floor Zit
Date: 09 Jul 06 - 09:17 AM

Not exactly a 'heckler putdown' more of a 'noisy woman putdown'... (another one first heard from Skinner's Rats):

"Take her home, I think she's ready"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Melani
Date: 10 Jul 06 - 02:01 AM

I heard a story about Tommy Makem when he was first starting out, performing at some festival, I think. He walked out on stage and the audience completely ignored him, kept babbling away. So he sat down and took off his shoe, turned it over, and began to tap imaginary nails into the sole. After a couple of minutes of this, when there was dead silence and every eye was riveted upon him, he started singing "Dick Darby the Cobbler."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Greg B
Date: 10 Jul 06 - 01:05 PM

Hmmm...I always had quite the impression that this was a regular
part of Tommy's act. If you hear him recorded on the old 'Folk Songs
and Minstrelsy' boxed set, which I understand was mostly recorded
at an early 60's Newport Folk Festival, he's clearly doing his
sewing and spitting thing there, to punctuate the chorus.

I never tire of his riposte to a quiet audience...'Let's all
join hands and contact the living.'

To be sure, to be sure...

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,
Date: 15 Jun 11 - 04:29 PM

"If I wanted to hear from an arsehole, I would've farted...

Now f**k off!"

Gotta love it!

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Liane
Date: 15 Jun 11 - 04:37 PM

Robin Williams, years ago when he was doing stand-up:

"That's Tommy: he's sharing a brain with a friend. 'Duh, here, you take it for a while ...'"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Mark Ross
Date: 15 Jun 11 - 05:20 PM

"Do I come down and break your sister's red light bulb when she's working?"

Mark Ross

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Seonaid
Date: 15 Jun 11 - 05:35 PM

(Smiling prettily:) "Aww, you always hurt the one you love..."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: kendall
Date: 15 Jun 11 - 05:41 PM

I've never had a heckler.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Acorn4
Date: 15 Jun 11 - 06:14 PM

I didn't realise this village had two village idiots - are you on a jobshare?

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Don Firth
Date: 15 Jun 11 - 06:48 PM

One of those gloriously triumphant moments.

It was sometime in the very early 1960s, and I was singing my regular gig at a Seattle coffeehouse called "The Corroboree." The owner (Stan James, a very fine singer himself--CLICKY) was a bit of an Austrailophile , hence the name. The Corroboree was a nice place, almost like a non-alcoholic night club (unless you knew where Stan kept the stuff) and it had a fairly wide-ranging clientele, from lots of folkies to the after-concert, after-show crowd later in the evening. I had been singing there since before Stan bought it, when was called "The Place Next Door" (owned by the man who also owned the Guild 45th, and art and foreign film theater next door, hence that name at the time).

Anyway, there was a guy named Alex who used to drop in every few weeks. Alex said he was an actor. But I don't know of anything he ever acted in. He seemed to be perpetually "between roles." And he was full of advice for all kinds of performers, including me. He tended to be quite pompous at times, and he DID have a strong stage voice. He could get quite loud at times and often made a real annoyance of himself when others were performing, as if HE wanted to share in the spotlight.

One evening Alex came in and joined a small group of people at one of the back tables, and while I sang, he kept up a running dissertaion on something, demonstrating his stage projection. Other patrons in the place kept giving him dirty looks and trying to shush him, and it was obvious to others that he was embarrassing his table companions.

Finally, I had had it! When I finished the song I was singing, I leaned into the microphone (which the Corroboree didn't really need because it already had very good acoustics) and said "Alex!" very loudly.

My voice boomed through the place like the Voice of God.

Alex looked up, startled.

"Alex! Shut the hell up!!"

His eyes popped and his chin dropped. After an initial second or two of shock, the rest of the people in the place burst into applause! About that time, Stan came out of the kitchen, picked up Alex's check, tore it up, and pointed to the door.

Hastily, Alex got up and walked out, with the audience still applauding.

The rest of the evening went very smoothly.

Not brilliantly witty, but VERY effective. I never saw him again.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Don Firth
Date: 15 Jun 11 - 06:52 PM

Oh, boy! My apologies.

I just looked back through the previous portions of this thread and discovered that I had posted this same story (but not word for word) about seven years ago.

Gad, I must be slipping. . . .

Don Firth

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST
Date: 16 Jun 11 - 12:08 AM

Heckling Student: WHAT?!

Professor J. Hill Hammond: Homosexuals are generally hard of hearing.

(This was back in the seventies, when such terms were used.)

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Jeri
Date: 16 Jun 11 - 12:20 AM

I'm actually sort of happy about the fact it took me a while to figure out why that was a put-down.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Colin Holt
Date: 16 Jun 11 - 05:50 AM

What about..

..Ahh! seems we have a wit in the audience... Unfortunately only half of him as turned up tonight !!

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Desi C
Date: 16 Jun 11 - 08:29 AM

Not original but the one I use often is "sit down and plug your chair in"
or, "let's have a whip round and buy this guy a life"
or, "are you on your own?" !yes "I'm not surprised"
or, "no don't boo him, I have a soft spot for this chap...it's called a Swamp"
or, "does the nurse know you're here?"
or "ah, I was wondering who the club idiot was1"
or, I had just got up to sing one night and said I'd like to sing you an Irish song, guy shouts "go on Paddy sing an Oirish one" So I said "right this one's for the racist Bastard at the back" got the biggest cheer ever ;)
And Finally this from the old music hall comic Max Wall, he'd been through a rough time with the press over some scandal, guy starts heckling, Max waks slowly over puts his nose up to the huy's head and said "sit down sonny, I've been heckled by experts"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Sugwash
Date: 16 Jun 11 - 08:55 AM

'Banjo' Barney McKenna: "If there's a price on your head, I'd sell it!"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: The Sandman
Date: 16 Jun 11 - 03:42 PM

Dick Miles, said "When they circumcised you they thew the wrong bit away

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Phil Edwards
Date: 16 Jun 11 - 03:44 PM

Don - don't worry, we were hoping you'd do that one!

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,SRD
Date: 16 Jun 11 - 04:38 PM

Quote:
Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Floor Zit
Date: 09 Jul 06 - 03:40 AM

First heard from either Blossom or the Bishop of Shinners Rats:

"Listen sonny, I'm a professional, just like your Mother"

I think it was Blossom (with a handful of socks stuffed down his underpants), at the Tramshed in Woolwich, some time in the mid eighties, when they were taking part in a 'Battle of the Bands' as Kohlers Apes, and it was said to a particularly large skinhead who had taken the piss when Blossom picked up a guitar. For a moment the whole place went quiet before dissolving into laughter. Rumour has it that, for one moment, Blossom thought he'd gone too far - as if!
It was the same night that a couple of army musicians from Woolwich Barracks had gasped in astonishment "That's a twelve bar blues! These blokes can actually play!"