Anthology of heckler putdowns

Subject: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: stallion
Date: 20 May 06 - 05:40 AM

I thought it might be a good idea for catters to contribute to a bank of "putdowns" for artists to use. One I heard forty years ago, when people start shushing to get the audience quiet, say sorry and sing in a whisper, it shut people up! The other one came from a colleague this year, it was actually the truth but was recieved with howls of laughter. We were singing on a boat and Someone shouted "don't give up your day Job" reply " You must be joking, I get £200k a year for working twenty hours!"
Any way I thought the reaction was hilarious.
So come on lets have em

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,MC Fat
Date: 20 May 06 - 06:31 AM

Some friends of mine had the misfortune of appearing on a TV talent show some years ago hosted by Des O'Connor it was called 'Pot of Gold' or something stupid like that. One of the judges was Gary Bushell who hated them and said 'Don't give up your day job'. Glen and Paul used this for years as an attributal quote from Mr Bushell adding the strap line 'As this was our day job we took this as a compliment'

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: cetmst
Date: 20 May 06 - 06:35 AM

Patty Larkin's song 'Pretty Good for a Broad'

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Chris Green
Date: 20 May 06 - 06:36 AM

'They ruined a perfectly good arsehole when they put teeth in your mouth.'

'How would you like it if I followed you and your wife home and wrecked your performance?'

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: George Papavgeris
Date: 20 May 06 - 07:14 AM

"Sir (or Madam),I thought the idea of heckling was to make ME look stupid!"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST
Date: 20 May 06 - 07:16 AM

"D'you know what they call people like you where I come from? They call them 'baiters'... and you're a master".

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: DMcG
Date: 20 May 06 - 07:21 AM

One was mentioned in the radio last night, first heard from David Icke as far as they knew: "The worst I can wish you is that you are reincarnated as yourself."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 20 May 06 - 07:55 AM

A couple from the Hamsters blues/pub rock band last week to a woman whowas screeching and calling out all the time:"What time did you start on the Bacardi Breezers>" and "This one's for you and all the other peole with a personality disorder"!

RtS

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: alanabit
Date: 20 May 06 - 07:59 AM

Similar to El Greko's is one I used to use:
"I'd like to make a fool of you..." (looking upwards) "...but someone has beaten me to it!"
"The last time I saw one that size, it was hanging at the back of a donkey." (For really rude hecklers only).
When I was at college, being heckled by sports students:
"You can always tell the jocks - the ones with athlete's mouth..."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 May 06 - 07:59 AM

Anthology? surely you mean Thesuras. (the sore arse)

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Chris Green
Date: 20 May 06 - 08:03 AM

'When they circumcised you, did they throw the wrong bit away?'

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 20 May 06 - 08:28 AM

Is that your own brain, or are you breaking it in for an idiot ?

eric

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Don Meixner
Date: 20 May 06 - 09:06 AM

I think that there is probably no one faster on his feet at destroying hecklers than Seamus Kennedy.

I did this once and it worked very well.
" Are you heckling me?" "Oh my how very exciting! I've never been heckled before!" Then I went over to the table where he and his date were sitting and sat down. I ordered a drink for him and carried on. "Gee this is a first for me... how should I behave. Should I be pissed or should I be embarassed............"

It cost me a beer but the jerks date got so feed up with the whole joint looking at them and laughing that she dragged him out with the entire place going nuts on them.

This was my only time really and I don't do bars as a single anymore, ever.

Don

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 20 May 06 - 09:58 AM

"Hey, do I come to where you work, and knock the cock out of your mouth?"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Hillheader
Date: 20 May 06 - 10:12 AM

"Stand up please - it will make it easier for your Care Worker find you again."

"Is your tag beeping?"

"Not many people survive a head shot. You're doing really well."

"Last time I heard a noise like that it was coming from an abbatoir"

"Are you aware of the management policy on substance abuse?"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: mandotim
Date: 20 May 06 - 11:54 AM

How about;
'Would you like us to play quieter so you can hear yourselves shouting?'
or
'I'd love to stand here and have a battle of wits with you, but you are obviously unarmed'
or
'Don't worry lads, I remember my first pint too...'
or
'Lets hear it for the world's only surviving brain transplant donor!'
And for people who leave their mobile phones on; learn the 'Nokia'tune, and play it as soon as the phone goes off, even in the middle of another song.
Tim from Bit on the Side

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Jim McLean
Date: 20 May 06 - 11:59 AM

Danny Kyle was an expert at handling hecklers. Once, when a drunk was having a go Danny said "lean against the wall, it's plastered as well". Another time when someone hissed, he said " hey missus, your bra's leakin'".

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 20 May 06 - 12:43 PM

Did your mother have any kids that survived?

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 20 May 06 - 01:05 PM

Shall I play at your parents wedding?

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 20 May 06 - 01:33 PM

Do you suck your father with that mouth?

(that works on everyone)

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Effsee
Date: 20 May 06 - 01:58 PM

"Somewhere a village has lost it's idiot". Richard Thompson

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Folkiedave
Date: 20 May 06 - 02:57 PM

Last time I saw a mouth like that Lester Piggot was behind it.

To a photographer - "The flashes don't bother me, I used to be a welder".

Both from Billy Connolly

And to a comedian from down south who gave me the "Anyone from the North of England? Here's a tenner go and buy yourself a house"

"Here's twenty quid, go and get yourself a bus ticket."

And from Kate Rusby: "Not exactly a fashion statement are you?" to someone who lent her a jacket at an open air concert when the temeprature dropped.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Peace
Date: 20 May 06 - 03:01 PM

Doc Watson's mild rebuke to a young heckler: "That's alright son, I remember the night I had my first beer."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 21 May 06 - 05:02 AM

Staring inquisitively at the heckler and asking.... "Who cut your hair?"

You don't make much money, do you? Or else, you wouldn't have chosen those clothes.


DC

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Pete Sumner
Date: 21 May 06 - 11:44 AM

One I remember from Mike Harding circa 1978...

"I need a microphone to talk that loud..."

and from Stan Rogers about the same time...

"As they say around my way...hush your clabber-jaw"

Pete Sumner

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: jaze
Date: 21 May 06 - 11:50 AM

On another thread with a similar theme-someone said a performer replied to a heckler "It's a damn shame your father didn't just settle for a blow job that night"! That's got to be the ultimate putdown.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Deni-C
Date: 21 May 06 - 04:36 PM

To all boorish, stupid or vicious hecklers, (we love the funny and witty ones) .

YOu want to get up onstage with us? i've got a lovely dress in the van that'll fit you. Only trouble is I don't have enough lipstick to go round that big mouth of yours.

D

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Peace
Date: 21 May 06 - 04:49 PM

Robin Williams dealt with a heckler thus: "I hope you wear condoms; we don't need too many of you around."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 21 May 06 - 04:49 PM

" "It's a damn shame your father didn't just settle for a blow job that night"!"

Naaah.... better is "It's too bad your mom didn't start swallowing until she met me."

On the same tack as "Somewhere a village has lost it's idiot", "If you're here, who's working the Glory Hole tonight?"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 21 May 06 - 08:52 PM

"The force of his personality is illustrated by the story -- true or false -- of his encounter with a drunken man at a meeting. This man, it appears, was of the opposite political party, and interrupted frequently. At last Mr. Gladstone fixed him with his eye, and spake these words: `May I request the gentleman who has, not once but repeatedly, interrupted my observations by his interjections, to extend to me that large measure of courtesy which, were I in his place and he in mine, I should most unhesitatingly extend to him.' It is said -- and I can well believe it -- that the man was sobered by the shock, and remained silent the rest of the evening." -- Bertrand Russell

That speech deserves to be memorized carefully, and the word "gentleman" needs to be pronounced with just the right degree of emphasis.

--- Joe Fineman    [e-mail]

||: The world goes its way past all who will not partake of its folly. :||

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 21 May 06 - 09:17 PM

Ya... I'll bet YOU play a lot of gigs eh Joe F.....

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 May 06 - 09:22 PM

Not for heckling, but for quieting persistant talkers.

Robbie Robinson playing the 4 string banjo - started his bracket loud, got softer and softer, then suddenly, back to full volume! The talkers got sucked in to talking quieter and quieter, then suddenly noticed when the music got louder, and all shut up!

Brilliant trick!

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: ossonflags
Date: 22 May 06 - 03:22 AM

two I love;

"dont tell me how to do my job, I dont come to your work and show you how to sweep up/stack shelves/shaft a broom"

" We have just recieved a call from your village, they are missing an idiot"

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: alanabit
Date: 22 May 06 - 04:10 AM

"Children, just drink lemonade!"
"Doesn't alcohol make a lot of noise when it is rattling around in an empty head."
"Some people think a big mouth makes up for a small penis."

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Sttaw Legend
Date: 22 May 06 - 04:44 AM

I'll let you off. I remember the first time I tried beer.

Congratulations; you're a perfect argument against brother-sister marriages.

When you were born, did they let your mother out of her cell?

What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?

Look folks - a face not even a mother could love.

Now we know why some animals eat their own children.

What do you want to do if you grow up?

I bet you get bullied a lot.

Look, this is my job. I don't turn up at your work and spit on the burgers.

Let me guess - tonight's square dance was cancelled, right?

Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I started yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Mo the caller
Date: 22 May 06 - 05:54 AM

Most of the above sound pretty vivcious, but I found

"And from Kate Rusby: "Not exactly a fashion statement are you?" to someone who lent her a jacket at an open air concert when the temeprature dropped."

completely uncalled for. (and I shan't lend her anything again)

Well actually I wouldn't lend anybody who looked like her anything I would wear anyway.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 22 May 06 - 05:58 AM

I don't approve of offensive put-downs which might upset other members of an audience. The purpose should be to make the heckler look small, not to drag the performer down to the same level as the pillock who is interrupting.
When I started going to folk clubs in the late 1970s one of the things which often made for an enjoyable evening was a good heckler. One who made witty comments which added to the entertainment. A different bag from the drunk in a crowd in a bar, though.

At the Topic in Bradford we had a regular who heckled a lot, usually sat at the nearest table to the stage as he had problems with his legs. About the only time I recall him at a loss for words was the time when the performer looked down and said "If you don't shut up, I'll weld your calipers together".

On the other hand Tony Capstick was the master of playing with a heckler. If the audience was quiet, he was a good singer, but if he had a heckler, then suddenly he had twice the act.

Probably the worst put down was a friend who stepped in when a female singer was being interrupted. He stood up and in a loud voice broadcast to the rowdy elements "Will you lot shut up and give the poor cow a chance....."

Quack!
GtD.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Splott Man
Date: 22 May 06 - 07:39 AM

To the rest of the audience

Have some sympathy, it's a night out for him..

and a night off for his family

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Scrump
Date: 22 May 06 - 07:52 AM

Ooerr! I'd be scared to use most of the put-downs here in the places I normally play, (a) because they'd probably offend the whole audience (not just the heckler) - these venues often have youngsters present and I wouldn't feel comfortable with the references to oral s*x, inc*st, etc.; and (b) because they're small venues and I wouldn't feel safe being a few feet away from a hulking great drunken brute who might decide to smash my instrument over my head in response. Maybe I've led a sheltered life?!

Does anyone have any "family friendly" putdowns? I haven't so far had too much problem with hecklers, but it would be nice to shut up people nattering in the background while I'm introducing songs, etc., which is the only problem I regularly experience.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: redsnapper
Date: 22 May 06 - 08:37 AM

In more than 35 years performing publicly I don't remember ever being heckled. Nor have I ever found it necessary to heckle another performer as an audience member.

Maybe I'm just lucky or odd? Probably the latter.

RS

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: stallion
Date: 22 May 06 - 09:23 AM

well, i like the number of responses, I myself prefer the subtler aproach, the least offensive the better. And yes sometimes the "heckler" can add to a show but only if a performer has a good armoury of responses, to wit the thread. keep it up and maybe we ought to have a vote on our favourites! My favourite was the guy who sat with a heckler and asked how he should behave cos it was his first time. This also means trawling through the thread to find the good ones. A bit like singer/songwriters (oops I think I might get flak for that comment , joke - honest)

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: mandotim
Date: 22 May 06 - 09:34 AM

Scrump; the best way of dealing with natterers is to play quieter, until it becomes obvious too them and others that they are talking too loud. Then go back to 'normal' volume. You can extend this a bit by quietening the rest of the audience 'so we can all hear this fascinating conversation'. The odd quiet aside can be good as well; if you can get the rest of the audience to laugh at the problem ones, that usually shuts them up. Having said that, sometimes drastic measures are necessary; I remember a young woman standing between our duo and the audience, yelling into her mobile phone (we were playing 'unplugged' to an audience of about 50.) We moved out from the stage, stood either side of her and played as loud as we could into both ears. She moved away, (still talking) but we followed her, as far as the ladies toilets. Lots of applause, and I bet she didn't do it again!
Tim from Bit on the Side

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,the real me
Date: 22 May 06 - 12:57 PM

To any young and impressionable readers: many of these put-downs are far more ignorant and offensive than anything I've ever heard from a heckler - don't use them if you're playing in a decent joint, not if you want to be asked back for another gig.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 22 May 06 - 01:03 PM

From Tom Lehrer: The outpatients are out in force tonight, I see! And on a bad reaction to a joke: The rest of you can look it up when you get home.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: alanabit
Date: 22 May 06 - 01:18 PM

I wish I had only ever played gigs like the ones "the real me" is talking about. Believe me, you have to work very hard to make me respond with rudeness. It is just that I have not spent the lion's share of my performing career gigging for vicars and nice old ladies!

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: mandotim
Date: 22 May 06 - 01:41 PM

I think 'the real me' must play different gigs to me, too. Places I play, being able to handle noise, drunks, would-be performers, bar-room wits and just plain rude people is essential. The reason; it's on behalf of the people who actually come to listen and be entertained. One session I play in, the quality of repartee with the non-players in the pub is at least as important as the music; and the regulars come and listen to that, too. On one famous occasion a drunk approached the musicians and demanded a Dylan song; he wouldn't go away, so the six of us spontaneously played a Dylan song; six different ones, all at once. The pub audience collapsed with laughter, and the drunk learned a lesson. Scary thing was, it still sounded like a Dylan song...
Tim from Bit on the Side

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: kendall
Date: 22 May 06 - 01:51 PM

I've never played a place where such crude remarks are acceptable.

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Sir Roger de Beverley
Date: 22 May 06 - 03:01 PM

The Crickets were playing at the Winter Gardens, Cleethorpes(yes, I know)and a drunken heckler was causing a problem. They called him up on stage, put him in front of a microphone and walked off themselves - wasn't long before they were back and he was out the door.

R

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Rockhen
Date: 22 May 06 - 03:09 PM

In small voice.......I've played at the Winter Gardens...and it was only as a support act....but no one heckled us....I feel deprived....!

Subject: RE: Anthology of heckler putdowns
From: Hillheader
Date: 22 May 06 - 03:26 PM

"Ladies and Gentlemen. Meet the man Barnado's left on a doorstep"

"I give you proof of Darwin's theory. It this case, yesterday."

An ajoinder to the "face that only a mother would love" is "pity your an orphan".