BS: Last joke thread for 2006

Subject: BS: Last joke thread for 2006
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 01:23 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Unemployment

A man goes into the unemployment office in Los Angeles to look at job openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren't many jobs in his field it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something.

"Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors, $500 per day, plus company car and all expenses."

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note of the number and walks up to the counter. "I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "it's E/784/B46."

"Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's with a model agency right here in Los Angeles. They're looking for a pubic hair inspector. The agency supplies girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing."

"It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing."

"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job." The clerk shrugs and says, "Okay, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan."

"Moose Jaw?! That's in Canada! Why in the world would I want to go to Moose Jaw?"

"Well," says the clerk, rechecking his computer, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Snow Plows

Norman and his wife are eating breakfast one winter morning, when an announcement comes over the radio. "We are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week, once more during breakfast the announcement comes. "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."

Then the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men exhibit who are married to blondes, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Subject: RE: BS: Last joke thread for 2006
From: Shaneo
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 02:14 PM

What do you call a pig walking across the desert ? bacon

Subject: RE: BS: Last joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 19 Dec 06 - 04:27 PM

40 pigs make 10000 sausages.


   it's amazing what they can train pigs to do.






       Ivor


PS Loved the job application one. Thanks,Bill D.

Subject: RE: BS: Last joke thread for 2006
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 06 - 12:17 PM

Continutation of the Second Joke Thread for 2006...

Subject: RE: BS: Last joke thread for 2006
From: Wolfgang
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 10:59 AM

Some old GDR jokes:

Brandt (West German) and Ulbricht (East German first man) did meet once and talked about this and that. Ulbricht asked: "Do you have a hobby?" "Yes, said Brandt, I collect the jokes the people tell about me." "Almost as I, answered Ulbricht, I collect the people who tell jokes about me."


Erich Honecker (East German Secretary of the Central Committee) stands on his balcony in the morning ans says "Good morning, dear Sun" Sun: "Good morning, comrade first secretary". At noon, the same procedure: "Good day, dear Sun" "Good day, comrade first secretary". Then in the evening: "Good evening, Sun" "Kiss my arse, I'm in the West now"


A citizen of the GDR wants to buy shoes but lost in thoughts misses the door and enter a butcher's shop and asks for shoes. The clerc tells him: "You must have confused the doors. No shoes you get next door, here you can only get no meat."


What is twenty meters long and has no teeth?
The first row of the central committe of the SED:


A GDR soldier very close at the border to West Germany asks his comrade. "What do you think at right now?" "The same you think at, I guess" "Then I have to arrest you".


What is the favourite sport of Erich Honeckers? Bobsleighing.
A wall at the left, a wall at the right, and it goes always further down."


Wolfgang

Subject: RE: BS: Last joke thread for 2006
From: GUEST,shaneo
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 01:00 PM

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said
"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??" I said "I
wouldn't
do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is
for
the custard."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on
it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin"

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He
said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Subject: RE: BS: Last joke thread for 2006
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 02:46 PM

"Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged"

SCHIZOPHRENIA: "Do you hear what I hear?"

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: "We three
kings are all the same person!"

DEMENTIA: "I think I'll be home for Christmas."

NARCISSISTIC: "Hark, the herald angels sing about me."

MANIC: "Deck the halls and walls and house and lawn
and streets and stores and office and town and cars
and buses and trucks and trees and fire hydrants and ..."

PARANOID: "Santa Claus is coming to get me."

PERSONALITY DISORDER: "You better watch out, I'm
gonna cry, I'm gonna pout, maybe I'll tell you why."

DEPRESSION:   "Silent night, holy night--all is hectic,
all is dark."

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE: "Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle bell rock, jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock,
jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock, jingle bell, jingle
bell, jingle bell rock, .."

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE: "On the first day of Christmas
my true love gave to me... (and then took it all away.)"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Last joke thread for 2006
From: Cluin
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 03:37 PM

So this guy goes into a Scottish bakery and points to a pastry behind glass and asks, "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"Och, no, ye're right. It's a doughnut."

Subject: RE: BS: Last joke thread for 2006
From: autolycus
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 06:12 PM

Old Cold War joke.

    Did you hear about the East German pole-vault champion>


    He's now the West German pole-vault champion.









Old therapy joke.

   Client on holiday sends his therapist a postcard which says.

   "Having a wonderful time.
    Why?"



   Best way to respond to authors annoying you by sending you their latest work.

   "Thank you for the manuscript which I shall waste no time in reading."






    Happy Hannukah,Christmas,midwinter festival eyc.etc.etc,.






      Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Last joke thread for 2006
From: tarheel
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 10:15 PM

A man takes his Grandfather clock to the shop to be repaired...
of course it's big and bulky so while he was walking down the sidewalk enroute to the clock shop,he bumps into a drunk man and then yells at him..."hey,why don't ya watch where ya goin'?"
to which the druck man replies..."oh yea? well,why don't ya wear a wrist watch like everybody else?"

Subject: RE: BS: Last joke thread for 2006
From: Adrianel
Date: 21 Dec 06 - 10:20 PM

"Is anything worn under the kilt?"

"No, it's all in purrrrfectly good orrderrr".

Subject: RE: BS: Last joke thread for 2006
From: Wolfgang
Date: 22 Dec 06 - 11:28 AM

A GDR judge comes out of the courtroom laughing out loud with his tears running down his cheeks and can hardly control himself. A colleague asks what he is laughing about. Sorry, says the judge, I may not tell you the joke I have heard during the trial. I just gave a sentence of three years for it.

Wolfgang

Subject: RE: BS: Last joke thread for 2006
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 05 Jan 07 - 09:52 AM

Now continued whith the first joke thread for 2007