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17 Dec 15 - 07:01 PM (#3759147) Subject: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Gently pushed open, the door squeals on rusty hinges. He steps into a dusty, cobweb-strewn, room. Cold air wraps like a reverse blanket, enhanced by the hole in the roof. From somewhere comes the sounds of tentacles slapping on jello. Somehow he knows it's lime jello. "This'll take some doing," he thinks, and whistles for his trusty steed. The horse, jet black save for three white socks, gingerly enters. "Let's get this place working again," he says. "Please." |
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17 Dec 15 - 08:55 PM (#3759173) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: frogprince Kewl, the tavern now has a talking horse...:) |
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17 Dec 15 - 09:43 PM (#3759178) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: mg And three buxom Swedish massage ladies dressed in white dresses with red rickrack and lots of crossstiching. Who link arms and sing Santa Lucia. |
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17 Dec 15 - 10:19 PM (#3759184) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee While serving huge mugs of glog. |
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18 Dec 15 - 12:51 AM (#3759198) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: mg the swedish ladies have an aversion to dust and cobwebs and smelly horses so after they have shampooed the horse they get to going with their brooms and mop buckets. singing all the while and thinking of the krumkake they have stashed away. |
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18 Dec 15 - 05:17 AM (#3759239) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Raggytash An grizzled old timer drags some timber across the dusty floor, axe strapped to his back "lets get us a fire going, sure is chilly in here he says, what we need is a good old blaze to get the place warmed up a touch ....... hey pass me that Bourbon bottle .........." |
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18 Dec 15 - 05:40 AM (#3759241) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: MMario Clicks on the audio I'll pop into the kitchen and see what I can whip up for snacks. Pour me an Old Engine Oil, will you? |
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18 Dec 15 - 06:21 AM (#3759251) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Dave the Gnome "Nice to see you, MMario.", mutters the garden ornament drinking undiluted anti-freeze in the corner. "Raggytash, watch what you are doing with those matches!" |
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18 Dec 15 - 09:02 AM (#3759268) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Roger the Skiffler Is this the time to invoke the Sanity Clause? Who turned the jello pit into a mini ice rink, and is THAT a penguin? RtS |
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18 Dec 15 - 09:15 AM (#3759271) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Dave the Gnome Oh, go on then, I'll do it... There ain't no sanity clause! And no, it's a nun on roller skates. |
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18 Dec 15 - 09:49 AM (#3759285) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Squiddy, helplessly smacking the surface of the frozen jello pit with he one free tentacle, lies deep below the ice, hoping that someone will warm the place up. At the same time, the fella with the sword politely requests a glass of Neversweat whiskey for himself and another, larger, for his horse. |
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18 Dec 15 - 04:32 PM (#3759416) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: gnu And a star appeared in the east and three wise men ordered a round and fish and chips with an appetizer of tongues 'n cheeks. Squiddy got nervous. |
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18 Dec 15 - 05:51 PM (#3759443) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Kampervan Whoa, back to those Swedish massage ladies,, did I notice their dresses getting really wet when they shampooed that horse? |
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18 Dec 15 - 06:05 PM (#3759449) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: gnu Horse? Is there an equestrian competition later? |
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18 Dec 15 - 06:44 PM (#3759462) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,mg you did not. Swedish ladies can clean and cook and chop down trees and shampoo horses and never get dirty or sweaty or sudsy like the rest of us. And wait till you see what they made for the burgeoning crowd with no real food on hand..some oats from the horse's sack, a can of condensed milk, some berries that looked pretty much like lingon berries growing outside, a splash of brandy and voila, some Christmas pudding. |
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18 Dec 15 - 08:58 PM (#3759490) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee As the place warms, the ice on the windows panes starts to thaw. In some places this is not good, i.e. bad, because the ice was the "glass." Meanwhile the horse (named "Bossy" after a cow) thoroughly enjoys the Swedish shampoo. And the man with the sword downs another Neversweat. |
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18 Dec 15 - 10:31 PM (#3759510) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Mrrzy A view out of one of the windows. And from one of the others drifts in the sound of caroling. |
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19 Dec 15 - 06:05 AM (#3759557) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Raggytash The old timer, took the bottle "won't need the glass thank you Ma'am" dragged a broken chair over in front of the flames, sat down with his head bent low, staring into the fire. He seemed to be looking for something in the flames, something lost years before ......... "I remember, he started.... I remember ............" He took a swig from the bottle, reminiscing in his mind, was that really true, did that really happen, was I really there, all those years ago ........ (To be continued) |
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19 Dec 15 - 12:28 PM (#3759649) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Mrrzy The smell of roasting pork and the sound of crackling from the kitchen end are both getting stronger. Outside, a dog barks, but nobody inside hears it. |
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19 Dec 15 - 02:45 PM (#3759699) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee And the shampoo over, Bossy turns to the Swedish ladies and makes an indecent suggestion. Shocked by a talking horse, they turn and flee, stumbling over the edge and into the now-thawed jello pool. |
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19 Dec 15 - 03:01 PM (#3759704) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Severn I'm glad that they got things right this year. I remember the year that someone sent for a Swedish misogynist by mistake. Once it was explained that a masseuse rubs people the right way and a misogynist rubs them the wrong way, the Swede was banished through the magic connecting tunnel to the Mudcat Recovery Ward and is now assisting Hurty Gertie in the Physical Therapy room.... Speaking about the tunnel to the hospital, it was chronicled in last summer's adventures in The Recovery Ward that the Squid had found himself a wife and a number of young squidlets were running about in the Tavern. Their number was diminished by a few having perished in an ill advised journey into the hospital, where the Squid and Liz The Squeak had to rescue the survivors. For now, the link to the hospital has been closed and secured. There are quite a few left, and they are gathering whatever they can find to use as ornaments on the yet undecorated tree, so keep a close watch on your belongings..... The alligator came back through the alley gate and has assumed his usual role as bartender.... Liz is once again hogging the loo, and the usual line is growing and folks are beginning to grumble.... |
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19 Dec 15 - 03:13 PM (#3759708) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Dave the Gnome Outside, a dog barks, but nobody inside hears it. Outside a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read... |
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19 Dec 15 - 03:46 PM (#3759718) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,mg have a yolly holly christmas sang the Swedes |
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19 Dec 15 - 04:06 PM (#3759726) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: gnu Should I stuff my turkey this year? |
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19 Dec 15 - 04:12 PM (#3759729) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: JennieG Now why would you do that? Was it empty when you bought it? A long way away can be heard the sound of the dulcet tones of the Ozzies. It is so much further for them to come that they started walking right after last Christmas (although not backwards) bringing with them the smell of eucalyptus and wombat poo, a smell reminiscent of Christmases past. And dead stuff. |
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19 Dec 15 - 04:28 PM (#3759733) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Raggytash The old man took a swig from the bottle, the bourbon burnt his throat, should he call for a mixer, NO! NO! sod it, he took another swig, longer this time but swallowed it slowly delighting in the mellowness of the dram ........... He whistled quietly .......... an old tune, an old tune that he'd heard somewhere before ...........where was that? when was that? where all his years did that tune come from? ....He took another draught from the bottle ..........frowned a little, then smiled, ah ......... yes ....... a dim and distant memory recalled ... ah yes ... she was a good woman ..........He looked at the bottle again, grinned a little as a tear formed in his eye .............. |
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20 Dec 15 - 02:29 PM (#3759924) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Mrrzy Somebody wonders if the tune is Good King Wench's Lass... |
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20 Dec 15 - 04:00 PM (#3759935) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Dave the Gnome "Who ordered the pizza?", came a voice from the door. "Deep pan. Crisp and even..." |
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20 Dec 15 - 07:04 PM (#3759957) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee And from the tree hang Squiddy's kids, pretending they are ornaments. Meanwhile, the man with the sword walks out the door, unloads his pack donkey, and brings in several oversized boxes which are each marked "Explosives -- Be Careful!" He carefully piles them under a table and sits down, again drinking alone. Several seasonal Slovakian songs are sung with oboe and bassoon accompaniment. |
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20 Dec 15 - 09:52 PM (#3759981) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Janie A very irate voice shouts from the yard outside, "Why didn't my first shout post, and where is the friggin' wheelchair ramp!" |
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20 Dec 15 - 10:02 PM (#3759982) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee And he thought, "Why would she shoot first?" |
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21 Dec 15 - 12:14 AM (#3759991) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: mg I think they tore it up to shutter the broken windows and someone used the rest for the yule fire. It was unsafe anyway and it had been years since anyone used it. But the Swedish ladies are very strong and ada certified. |
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21 Dec 15 - 01:01 AM (#3759995) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Amos Muffled by winter wind, the distant thundering rumble of a 1948 Indian is heard on the cold air; the deep throb of it shakes the Tavern walls and grows slowly louder, finally coming to a rumbling halt in the parking lot just outside. Shaking snow from a wide-brimmed bush-ranger's hat, a tall, handsome stranger enters, knocking the snow from his hand-tooled snakeskin boots. He sidles up to the bar, hoping for a glimpse of the Gaelic barmaid, but it seems she has left town. Nettled, he orders a double single malt with a Guinness chaser and limps over to the far corner of the hearth, settling down with his honey-hued 1953 Dreadnought, and starts singing quietly about some cowpokes way high up in the Sierry Petes. |
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21 Dec 15 - 01:26 AM (#3760000) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Mrrzy Somebody bought the gnome a drink. The tankard was nearly as tall as the wee man, but he'd earned it! |
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21 Dec 15 - 04:27 AM (#3760024) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Raggytash The old timer looks across the fire now blazing at the old Indian. He noticed the ring on his finger made from the bone of a man who spilt whisky on the Indians wife, he saw the marks on his body under his shirt that looked like a bear had ripped him and saw the scars on his cheeks that appeared like a rattlesnake bite. "You've been around a while my friend he said" |
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21 Dec 15 - 04:32 AM (#3760026) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Tattie Bogle Past three o'clock and it's time to peel the Swedes: they, however did not like the sound of this and ran away screaming. The old man decided sprouts would have to do after all, and consoled himself with a new bottle of Sheep Dip. Meanwhile, the man from Yodel was yodelling at the door: "where is your secret hidey-hole?" Parcel in the coal bunker. |
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21 Dec 15 - 09:32 AM (#3760065) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Sierry Pete enters, spurs jangling. "Ah don't like anybody singin' about that dad-blamed song!" he says quietly but with venom dripping on every word. His hands quietly resting on the faux ivon grips of his twin, silver mounted .44s, hanging from his black, hand-tooled buscadero style gun belt with the silver conchos. "Ah plumb don't like it," he repeats, and pulling his 1000x silver belly beaver down toward his eyebrows, glowers at the man with the guitar. |
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21 Dec 15 - 09:04 PM (#3760148) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Suddenly, the air raid siren goes off. |
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21 Dec 15 - 11:24 PM (#3760152) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: mg The man with the explosives is ready with some antiaircraft devices he already has rigged up should anyone intrude upon what he considers his personal airspace. The herald angels might be singing tonight. |
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22 Dec 15 - 03:46 AM (#3760162) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST "Hey carefully with those anti-aircraft things friend" says the old timer "you might just shoot down old Santa if you loose them things off boy" He goes back to his bottle, giggling. |
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22 Dec 15 - 10:10 AM (#3760255) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Quietly efficient, he places the pyrotechnics around the Christmas tree. What is Christmas without fireworks? he thinks as he places another star cluster near one of the fireplaces. |
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22 Dec 15 - 05:58 PM (#3760336) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: mg Is that real Santa or false Santa? How can it be determined and action taken. There is a committee forming which is committed to making decisions through consensus. |
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22 Dec 15 - 05:58 PM (#3760337) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: mg Is that real Santa or false Santa? How can it be determined and action taken. There is a committee forming which is committed to making decisions through consensus. |
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22 Dec 15 - 06:07 PM (#3760343) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Lonesome EJ Egg nog with Cognac please! On second thought, double up on the cognac and scratch the egg nog. And a Merry Christmas to all of you! |
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22 Dec 15 - 07:48 PM (#3760370) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee The pyrotechnics planted, he walks quietly back to his solitary table and orders another, a Wyoming Whiskey this time. Reaching into a backpack he pulls out -- a 1929 C. G Conn nickel silver and gold B flat trumpet, inserts the mouthpiece, and begins to play smooooooooth jazz. |
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22 Dec 15 - 08:03 PM (#3760375) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Tattie Bogle So that's why all he wants for Christmas is his 2 front teeth: danged explosives blew them out! In the meantime, mg has had a very bad case of quintupulation: no committee needed to decide that he is utterly and completely false! |
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22 Dec 15 - 08:49 PM (#3760382) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Janie Dear Swedish maids, didn't mean to scare you so bad you stuttered when I yelled. Thanks for hauling me up the stairs. That is right Christmas of you. She looks at the guy with the explosives, eyebrows raised. He gets it. Not until Old Christmas Day. |
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22 Dec 15 - 09:14 PM (#3760387) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Of course not, he nods, and breaks into a Dixieland number, "Naked Dance." |
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23 Dec 15 - 05:34 PM (#3760561) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Severn Over in the corner, Severn finds a stepladder surrounded a puddle of water, a broom, a top hat, a button, a corncob and some coal. "Damn, he says to himself. I shouldn't have asked him to change that light bulb." Severn then goes about placing a wreath at the spot with a sign saying "DeFrosty--Snowman (Ret.) 2015-2015", when a policeman runs up, stops, points his pistol and yells, "OK, FREEZE!" The snowman gets back up, shakes his head and says, "Boy, I must've fainted and taken quite a fall! Thank you, officer!". He picks up all his clothing and gear and rejoins the party........ |
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23 Dec 15 - 06:40 PM (#3760573) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,mg the instant the policeman said freeze, one of the more unassuming patrons, emerging from the cold coal bunker in case of the air raid thought..that is it. we can capture the energy of the falling snow, as well as the melting snow, as well as the light waves bouncing off the snow..this will make siberia and lapland and international falls prime tourist destinations, as they are already but mostly for the sturdier sort..this way everyone could enjoy the northern lights and the reindeer stews (sorry Rudolph and Vixen ec.) She grabbed a pencil and a tablet, as she was an old fashioned engineer, and worked out the equations. Sure enough..five times as much solar or other energy than straight solar. This would revolutionize the world. Did she dare hope? Did the world dare hope? Would big bad oil steal her patents, which she planned to open source? No more widows freezing in the garrets. No more frostbite in the Klondike. And the harold angels did sing then. |
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23 Dec 15 - 09:03 PM (#3760597) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Severn The snowman goes up to the bar and orders a frozen toddy...... A man with long hair and beard, a long gown and a yellow circle around his head came over from a table where there was a private birthday party going on, catered by Judas' Carryout and approaches the policeman, and says, "Hey, you just brought a snowman back to life. I've never even done THAT! Could you show me how you did that?"...... The alligator behind the bar gives a sly wink to Gnu sitting across the counter and yells to Severn some distance away, "Hey Severn! What kind of a sandwich do you want Mmario to make you?" Severn, calling out Mmario's signature sub and yells out, "Auroch-on-Roll!" The band immediately cranks up their amps to ten. "Happens every year.", grins Gnu. "Without fail." nods the alligator..... |
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23 Dec 15 - 10:02 PM (#3760604) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Quietly amid the noise and haste, he drinks an Afterburner and considers. Squiddy is getting rambunctious, and the kiddies are flinging lime jello everywhere. The ladies' room doorknob rattles, as LtS is still trapped. There is a rattle of the hooves of eight tiny reindeer on the roof, and he thinks, "That's stupid. Reindeer aren't tiny. Must be roaches or maybe raccoons or pronghorns." The fire in the central fire pit is starting to melt the slate on the roof. |
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24 Dec 15 - 02:42 AM (#3760618) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Dave the Gnome Fireworks at Christmas? He thinks. Damned colonials get nothing right... Still, peace and goodwill to all and all that. By the way, where is good old Will? |
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24 Dec 15 - 10:13 AM (#3760656) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,John from Kemsing Meanwhile, outside the tavern, the watchman guarding a hole in the street, falls asleep and dreams he is invited into the tavern to enjoy the Christmas festivities. They play "Kiss in the Ring" and he leans forward to receive a kiss from the loveliest girl in the room. He wakes up to find himself in the bottom of his hole!! |
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24 Dec 15 - 10:20 AM (#3760657) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Liz the Squeak How many times does a girl have to bang on the wall before someone will let her out of the toilet?! Now... about that chocolate pudding... LTS |
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24 Dec 15 - 11:50 AM (#3760665) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: MMario {{ddiving through the connecting door to the Mudcat Recovery Ward}} I got a Hippopotamus for Christmas...well, for Christmas Eve, actually, and it scared all the polyps away!!!! The new crop of polyps the surgeon skipped in sept vanished! And I believe it was due to my brand new Christmas Hoppopotumus! Just back from Colonoscopy's-R-Us; and the really GREAT news is I get to go SIX months before the next one... |
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24 Dec 15 - 01:34 PM (#3760682) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,SINS The Nor'east door creaks open and in trudges SINSULL with a dog in tow. "He's been barking his fool head off out there. Why didn't you let the poor thing in?" She grabs a towel from the bar and dries off the mangy mutt then heads to a back table to sip Jack Daniels and watch the festivities. The dog snuggles down by the fire and dreams of roast pork... |
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24 Dec 15 - 03:20 PM (#3760701) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Raggytash Ah, the old timer rests back in his chair, close to the fire's warming glow. When was the first Christmas he saw, back in ..... back when, when he can hardly recall .......... he murmurs lowly, just to himself, ........ breathes slowly, ............. nobody notices or see's ........... ah........ that's what being an old timer means I guess he thinks to himself .......... he closes his eye, "boy am I tired" ........................... maybe this is the last time... Another small sip from the bottle ......... yeh maybe this is the last time................... |
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24 Dec 15 - 04:34 PM (#3760711) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Severn The policeman finally finishes talking to the long haired fellow in the robe with the yellow circle around his head, flashes his badge and goes right into the loo as soon as Liz finally emerges amid angry rumbles from those in the line. When he comes out, he goes right over to Severn. "Hey, buddy, even though that snowman revived, I still oughta charge you with-" The grandfather clock chimes the hour. ".....Never mind. I'm off duty. I guess I'll go get a drink or two before I leave." "Thank you for your kindness, officer, and Merry Christmas to you. But tell me please, was that guy you were talking to who I think it was?" "I don't know, and I didn't want to press it, but you know, he patted me on the back when he thanked me, and I felt a strange tingling sensation. When I looked at myself in the restroom, both my goiter and my carbunckle had disappeared. Pretty spooky. But I thought I'd better quit while ahead lest I do or say anything wrong. Besides, who would believe me?" "No body camera?" Nope. 'Scuse me, but I definitely need a stiff drink." Severn says, "Hmmmmmm...." andchecks his pocket for a pen, grabs a Poloroid Instamatic camera from the supply room and heads for the banquet room where the birthday party is going on...... |
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24 Dec 15 - 06:28 PM (#3760720) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: JennieG The clock has continued ticking over, and in the far-flung Antipodes it is already Christmas Day! A portly gentleman wearing red shorts and thongs (sandals, not undies.......get your mind back above your navel) and clutching a can of beer staggers in through the door followed by several reeling reindeer, just as the heavens opened outside. "Did someone say rain, dear?" inquires a voice from the floor. As the gentleman's eyes sung downwards (rapidly followed by the rest of him) he beheld a vision in lime green, orange and purple. "My stars!" he gasped out. "is it......is it really......you?" |
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24 Dec 15 - 09:13 PM (#3760734) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,😈 Tonight's my lucky night. The great event that comes but once a year. Let's all praise and celebrate Saint Knickerless !!! |
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24 Dec 15 - 09:49 PM (#3760740) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Yes, that will do. The fireworks will, when launched, write "Happy Holidays -- Christmas, Hanukkah, Festivus, Solstice Or Just Happy Days" across the sky. They'll exit through the hole in the roof and everyone will be able to see them. The various star clusters and balls should add grace notes. Tough to set up, though. And he drinks another Afterburner while idly fingering the detonator. |
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24 Dec 15 - 10:21 PM (#3760742) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: mg Like the red and green flares they used to set off over there. |
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24 Dec 15 - 10:50 PM (#3760746) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Amos The handsome stranger with the Martin finishes his song about thr SIrry Petes undeterred by the fatuous blustering of the kid with the cherry bombs, and grabs the lithest barmaid in the placer and recruits her into doing a duet in parts and voices. They perform a credible "Good King Wenceslas" with the barmaid sinigng the part of the page very prettily. The song done, they cuddle up with each other by the fireside and snog. |
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24 Dec 15 - 11:06 PM (#3760747) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: JennieG Snog is the plural of nog, i.e. many swigs of nog. |
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24 Dec 15 - 11:10 PM (#3760748) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Party's getting interesting, he thinks, freeing LtS from durance vile and then prepares his camera. The pictures will be worth a pretty penny from the press. |
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25 Dec 15 - 05:46 AM (#3760763) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Raggytash The old timer, slowly picked himself out of his chair ..... well it's seems it's about the right time..... He walks slowly to the door.... The saloon falls silent, he turns to face the crowd looks around for a few seconds and then turns back to the door reaching up he bolts it top and bottom, grabs the BANJO and then lets rip. Oh ye canna kick your granny off a bus oh ye canna kick your granny off a bus oh ye canna kick your granny, cos she's your mammys mammy oh ye canna kick your granny off a bus That sure is f**king good whisky boys !!!!! |
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25 Dec 15 - 08:46 AM (#3760777) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Guest Eliza A small shadow appears in the darkest corner. It's an elderly lady clutching a buttered crumpet. She blinks in the firelight and smiles. "Just wanted to wish everyone here a very Happy Christmas!" she warbles. And fades away once more... |
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25 Dec 15 - 09:36 AM (#3760780) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Raggytash Ahhhh .............. buttered crumpets ......... my sort of Lady! |
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25 Dec 15 - 09:37 AM (#3760781) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Raggytash Said the Old Timer .................... And me too personally ! |
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25 Dec 15 - 11:57 AM (#3760790) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Tattie Bogle But what about the figgy pudding? We won't go until we've got some, you know! |
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25 Dec 15 - 02:57 PM (#3760808) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Richard Mellish Try here. |
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25 Dec 15 - 09:54 PM (#3760846) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Figgy Pudding? Piggy Fudding? He doesn't want to know, and inhales the aroma of roasting auroch. In the pool, Squiddy's kiddies are enjoying Santa. And the reindeer. Blitzen yells for help, and he thinks that it's just another incident at the Mudcat Tavern. But they really shouldn't nibble on things like that.... |
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26 Dec 15 - 12:56 AM (#3760859) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Sandra in Sydney did I really see Eliza??? sandra (cleaning her glasses) |
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26 Dec 15 - 03:28 AM (#3760867) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Eliza Yes Sandra, Eliza popped in for a minute. She had a small glass of Old Speckled Hen ale and finished her buttered crumpet, then quietly toddled off to feed her three Siamese cats and her African husband their Christmas dinners. |
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26 Dec 15 - 08:02 AM (#3760904) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Roger the Skiffler From the UK Midlands northwards it's pikelets NOT crumpets. (I'll get me flat 'at). RtS |
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26 Dec 15 - 08:39 AM (#3760913) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Eliza In Norfolk thass crumpets bor! We hent nivver haird of them poiklet dewburys. |
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26 Dec 15 - 08:51 AM (#3760916) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Sandra in Sydney lovely to see you again, Eliza, I hope you have a great new year! |
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26 Dec 15 - 09:13 AM (#3760919) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Eliza Thank you Sandra, and the same to you. |
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26 Dec 15 - 04:30 PM (#3760971) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Mrrzy Whoever bought that gnome that drink is back, sopping wet from the weather, steaming fiercely before the fire. Eliza gets sent a flaming concoction from the depths of the kitchen that took the bartender long enough that it was just as well the weather had swallowed the tosspot again... the natives had been getting restless. |
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26 Dec 15 - 05:03 PM (#3760976) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Eliza The door bursts open and the entire Morris dancing side called Kemp's Men enters. They perform Queen's Delight, knocking over a few tankards, then prance out again into the night. The elderly lady rummages in her apron pocket and finds another buttered crumpet to accompany the second bottle of Old Speckled Hen and smiles happily. |
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26 Dec 15 - 11:53 PM (#3761031) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Mrrzy The elderly lady drinks Eliza's drink, dripping crumpet crumbs in and out of it. Come to think of it, a lot of people are in and out of it. |
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27 Dec 15 - 08:20 AM (#3761091) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Derrick Yet again the door opened,in walked an old man, his face wreathed with whiskers,and covered in snow."I'm glad to be out of it" he said,he certainly looked as if he was out of it. "I'm the saviour" he said, "I've come to save fallen women" As he sank a double Jameson,one of the Swedish ladies who was passing with a tray of mince pies fell over the cat and landed at his feet. "Got one" he cried triumphantly and throwing her over his shoulder ran into the night cackling with joy. |
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27 Dec 15 - 03:47 PM (#3761154) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Liz the Squeak Bugger... I fell over ages ago, and now he's been and gone without me.... Joy, the Swedish lady is not best pleased either, she was on her way to the ladies, to do as the song says... The river will have to be dammed now, and her comforter has gone off the boil. LTS |
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27 Dec 15 - 04:46 PM (#3761163) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Severn The policeman, now quite drunk, starts leading those at the bar in all the old traditional Law Enforcement Carols: "Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen" "I'm dreaming of the right Witness" "Police Navidad" "Go Tell It To The Mounties" (Gnu's request)..... |
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27 Dec 15 - 06:08 PM (#3761174) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Janie The hillbilly woman in the wheelchair, after a couple of stiff drinks of cheap Scotch, looks around and sees the Swedish lasses were kind enough to bring in the walker and lean it against a wall. A baby squiddy squeals as she inadvertently flattens the tip of a tentacle, but recovers quickly and catches a ride on the large turning back wheel of the chair, leaps upwards at the apex of the turn, and settles itself at a rakish angle atop the blonde/gray straw that passes for hair sprouting out of the scalp of the hillbilly woman. She grabs the walker, swings from the handles and clicks her heels in the air - well, kinda sorta - for a split second anyway both heels are off the ground and fortunately the walker tobbles toward the wall with a shoulder leading, so all rights itself - and the squiddy grabs a plait of jingle bells hanging on said wall. With excellent timing they bounce off the wall, the walker lands on all fours, and squiddy and the hillbilly join the Morris Dancers. Confusion reigns on the dance floor. The hillbilly woman shouts "Wheeeeee!" |
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27 Dec 15 - 08:17 PM (#3761189) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee And he sits, thinking not-so-morosely of Times Past, of long-forgotten times, and wonders how he can remember them if they are long-forgotten. Rising, he takes one step and tangles his feet in his rapier's sheath. The rapier itself flies out of the scabbard. Point first, it flies through the air and embeds itself in the pyrotechnic pile under the hole in the roof. Bossy the horse votes neigh. |
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27 Dec 15 - 08:49 PM (#3761196) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: gnu Mmmppphh. Brawmp. Audible yawn. gnu looks around with his eyes closed and a scowl on his face and mutters, "Couldn't have been much of a party if I fell asleep. Somebody call Louie and get him to send a taxi." |
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28 Dec 15 - 12:05 AM (#3761219) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: JennieG From the bar in the corner is heard: "Good King Wenceslaus knocked a copper senseless......" The singing arm of the law is well in its stride by now, and stride they do. |
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28 Dec 15 - 01:39 PM (#3761350) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Pulling his rapier from a box of explosives, he pulls the hat off the rapier and replaces it on gnu's head. gnu, who has been indulging in backwoods-New Brunswick spirits, doesn't notice. He continues to bonk his bodhran. (NB: This is not some kinky sexual thing. A bodhran is a tambourine without the jangly parts.) |
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28 Dec 15 - 02:34 PM (#3761364) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Megan L Weel theres nae muckle difference then |
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28 Dec 15 - 02:47 PM (#3761369) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: gnu Tambourine? A tambourine is to a Hran what a kazoo is to a trumpet. |
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28 Dec 15 - 04:42 PM (#3761388) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Mrrzy The tosspot came back in, and started putting crackers in the soup. Joining in with the coppers, kettledrums echoing, sends some sugar cubes over to Bossy. Not saying if anything mighta dripped onto the sugar cubes... wearing a tam, boring. |
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28 Dec 15 - 08:14 PM (#3761416) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Severn Severn enters the private banquet room. The guests are sitting at an extremely long table with glasses of wine for all and a loaf of bread the length of the table with countless candles in it. The Birthday Boy sits at the head of the table with Mother Mary Herself. also with the yellow circle around her head next to him. Also at the table are a few minor deities and functionaries such as Mother Nature, The Green Man and Jack Frost (with Suzie Snowflake at his side looking beautifully resplendent on, of course, white)and a lot of the world's famous missing characters, such as Amelia Earhart & Captain Noonan, Judge Crater, Ambrose Bierce, Jimmy Hoffa and that fellow who jumped out of that plane with all that money they never found, you know the one. Also, there are some of the departed people that graffiti on the walls of the world proclaim still live, Elvis, Che, Joe Hill and the like, and yes, even Kilroy was there. The Birthday Boy's crown of thorns has been momentarily replaced by a still somewhat prickly one made of holly pine and other forest matter with a piece of paper saying "Happy Birthday" pinned to it. The Green Man is telling Mother Nature that Jesus has taken his head dress and he wants it back. Jesus looks over at Mother Mary saying "It's MY birthday". Mother Mary gives the Green Man and Mother Nature a stern look look that would cook an elephant and says, "LET IT BE!" Severn says, "Excuse me, but could I get some pictures and maybe some autographs?........ |
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29 Dec 15 - 09:49 AM (#3761513) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Sheathing his errant rapier he walks over and lights the fuses. It's time. |
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29 Dec 15 - 01:26 PM (#3761566) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Megan L of course there is its the steam powered one in the corner |
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29 Dec 15 - 07:57 PM (#3761616) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Tattie Bogle How did you know about the tambourine?? Someone's been stalking me on Facebook! My good-hearted husband just gave me my 4th ever tambourine.......not to mention the second didgeridoo a year or so back. Musical entertainment in the tavern will be: Concerto for 4 tambourines and 2 didgeridoos, bodhrans welcome also. Accompanied by Figgy Duff at the break (that's not breaking heids, by the way!) |
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29 Dec 15 - 08:41 PM (#3761624) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Severn I'm also reuniting my old Gospel group from back in Georgia called The Macon Believers. Nobody ever really took us seriously, for some reason, but we'll give it the old Holiday Try when Tattie is through...... Overseeing Tattie's classical ensemble would be Bogle minding, I imagine...... Severn has just asked the birthday revelers in the private banquet room for pictures and autographs. The Birthday Boy turns to his Mother, and Mary nods and says, "Let it be!", so with an official OK, Severn sets to work. He snaps the whole table, but it's hard to get everybody in. He singles out two particular heroes, Joseph (whom Severn has always thought of as his unofficial Patron Saint ever since back when he became a stepfather)and Captain Noonan, both who have stood by while others got the glory. Severn wishes he had a better camera that could adjust to the extra light generated from those glowing yellow circles around Joseph, Mary and Jesus' heads. Severn asks Joseph if there was any way to dim the halo down and Joseph shakes his head no. "Just curious about the halo, Joseph." says Severn. "Is it safe to touch it?" Mary stands up, shakes her head no and warns, "LET IT BE!" Severn backs off...... Meanwhile the squidlets, as originally feared before most people got too drunk to care, have been pilfering small items and decoration the tree with them. Hats (including that of the cop), watches, purses, camera bags etc. now adorn the tree, and they'd started their decorating from the top down...... Severn asks Elvis where Buddy Holly was, and Elvis tells him that he indeed lives, but he's still on life support. "The Holly and the IV, eh?" "You got it." nods Elvis. Severn asks Jesus if since he was back, was he bringing Armageddon. "I never really left", replies Jesus. We were all in God's equivalent of a Witness Protection Program, and we came out for a private party." "I'm in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program", says Severn. Those Mormons and such can't find me."....... |
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29 Dec 15 - 09:13 PM (#3761628) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Overhearing the Sev's conversation, he thinks to himself, "Armageddon out of here!" as he lights the fuse. And he lights it again. And again. And again. And again. And then Bossy head-butts him into the tree. |
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29 Dec 15 - 10:11 PM (#3761635) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Mrrzy The tosspot stumbles back in and sends a goblet of something over to Donuel. Harkening to the unheard dogs barking, out again, leaving behind a pair of - wait, are these gloves made out of kittens? |
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29 Dec 15 - 10:29 PM (#3761638) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Janie You feckin' pyromaniac of a rapier brandishing idjit! Come Old Christmas it is fine to blast the whole place to whatever kingdom may come. Cletus and all the boys will be here by then to join in. Not to mention several Shades from the Hammon's family, most of them as good with a rifle as they are with fiddle and banjo - and all of them, especially Maggie do a right good job of it. No "Breakin' Up Christmas" until then, you hear me?! |
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30 Dec 15 - 10:09 AM (#3761720) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Fuses don't light. And they're not wet or anything. Gonna have another Talisker and think this out. |
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30 Dec 15 - 10:31 AM (#3761723) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: frogprince For gawdsake don't nobody tell him that what he's got there is wire fuse for electric ignition... |
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30 Dec 15 - 11:56 AM (#3761739) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,ATF ATF! Hands UP! Mr. Rapparee, back away from the explosives! Three black-clad officers look around at the stunned faces staring from around the darkened room, then move behind the bar and set their arms out of view. The apparent leader speaks "Hehehe. Fooled you, didn't we? This funky place has been on our radar for years, but it kept shifting around. We finally managed to follow that pizza delivery guy to find the door." The two officers step from behind him and quietly pick up all of the explosive devices and remove them to the parking lot, then return to the room. One of them finally speaks "What a mix. Who's the dizzy broad in the wheelchair dancing with? And are the Swedish massage ladies up for dancing?" The third agent speaks "We get a bad rap, so no one invites us to their parties. But this one, we figured we'd fit right in. |
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30 Dec 15 - 12:19 PM (#3761745) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Stilly River Sage "Rap, I bet these guys will help you set off the explosives, as long as you're outside." Acme gets a glass of single malt and wanders over to the fireplace to listen to the guy on the guitar and watch the array of dancing partners and steps taking place on the dance floor next to the jello pit. Tentacles can be seen rising from the green miasma, snapping in time to the music. |
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30 Dec 15 - 01:42 PM (#3761772) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Severn Damn right they got a bad Rap, and they caught him in the act. The policeman sitting at the bar next to the snowman waves hello to the ATF guys. Luckily, there's no charges for Rap, or seemingly for the fireworks, for that matter..... Rap doesn't like being refused a re-fusal and having his fun spoiled, but if ya can't beat 'em, join 'em. He goes outside in the snowy parking lot..... Severn continues to go around the table taking pictures and getting autographs. He asks if he can have some bread and wine. Mary shakes her head no and warns, "Let it be!" Severn backs away..... Somebody tells Kilroy to get his damn nose off the table..... Severn talks awhile with Ambrose Bierce, another idol, who tells his eager listener how his "Devil's Dictionary" was a defining moment in his life..... Severn takes his last picture and secures his last autograph on the back which reads, "Let it be!, Mary". He was very careful not to get another rise out of Jesus (even though He seemed to him to be a bit of a mama's boy) and he thanks everyone and goes out to an empty table to sort his treasures..... Squidlets are running wild, snatching everything left unattended for tree decorations. Billy The Squid the squidlet ringleader grabs the camera as Severn sorts the autographed photos and starts running away. Severn gives chase and tackles Billy over by the fire pit and the camera flies loose and lands in the flames...... Matilda squidlet eagerly grabs the photos off the table chased by three other squidlets who want to get a close look themselves. A scuffle ensues and while grappling for a look at the photos, the four young cephalopods get tangled up with each other and the photos fly loose and also land in the flaming pit as Severn helplessly watches the shots of a lifetime go up in smoke...... The tentacles of four squidlets are all tangled up in knots, binding them all together. Mama Squid, experiencing her first Holiday Tavern, is not sure she likes them at all as she struggles to untie a godawful mess of tentacles..... Severn goes back to the banquet room, only to find it empty, shiny and spotlessly clean, one might even say IMMACULATE! He walks away with drooping head, almost in tears..... Suddenly, a phone rings, Severn shakes himself awake and picks it up to find Gnu on the line. "Get your ass on down here, Lazybones! Rap and Liz and Amos and everybody's been wondering where you've been. If you hurry, you can still make it by New Year's"...... Severn throws on some clothes and trudges through the snow towards the Tavern..... |
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30 Dec 15 - 03:16 PM (#3761789) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Severn Severn walks through the tavern door and brushes off the snow, still thinking about his crazy dream, when a snowman at the bar sitting next to a hatless policeman greets him by leading all at the bar in "Freeze A Jolly Good Fellow". Severn thinks, "No it can't be...." and walks over toward the fire pit to get warm. Over by the fire pit he sees what looks like the bottom part of a Polaroid photograph, the top of which had burnt away, showing part of a uniform and part of what looked like a robe. Turning the photo scrap over he sees the inscription, Severn, Happy Landings, Captain Noonan He throws the picture into the fire and walks away, saying, "Lord, how can this be happening?" when in a puff of holy smoke appears Mother Mary, saying "LET IT BE!" I ask her "Do you ever say anything other than 'Let It Be!'"? and she nods. "What else DO you say?" "Leave it alone! DON'T MESS WITH IT, BUSTER!", and a puff of sacred whatever, she vanishes....... Acme comes up behind Severn and asks him "What's the matter?" "Did you just see that?" "See what?" "Never mind. Hey, do you want to dance?" "Sure, but you seem to be a little shaken..." "If they start up a fast one, there'll be a lotta shakin'", and taking her hand, says "May I?" The band starts rockin' and Severn starts dancing on paper the way he can no longer do well in real life when he can't write the script and he tries to get lost in the music and forget...... |
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30 Dec 15 - 10:21 PM (#3761858) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee From outside there is a roaring of rockets, a plethora of pyrotechnic, an explosion of explosives. Roamin' Roman candles toss their balls into the black velvet sky, burning holes in the fabric of space-time. And from one of those holes a Hand reaches down, scoops up the pile of bursting bombs, and is withdrawn. The night is again quiet, except for the melee going on in, over, under, through, and around the Tavern. Not bad, he thinks. Divine intervention? That BATFE agent might have injured himself, dropping a lighted cigar into the fireworks like that. As it is he just set his clothes alight, and he stopped, dropped, and rolled right into the pond. Slipping off his handcuffs and shucking off his shackles he heads back inside. There he wraps himself around a superb eggnog with potcheen, nutmeg sprinkled on top, of course. Severn has reached the point where he is disrobing to the music. |
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31 Dec 15 - 08:41 AM (#3761975) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Sandra in Sydney the recent roaring of rockets, a plethora of pyrotechnic, an explosion of explosives here were folks greeting the New Year. Happy 2016 to all, especially those still celebrating Christmas (how very 2015!) sandra (40 mins into 2016) |
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31 Dec 15 - 09:17 AM (#3761981) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Dave the Gnome Hey! Says the Gnome, suddenly waking up and rolling out from under the table. If it already News year Day in Sidney, you can give us the results of the racing at Cheltenham in advance. We could make a fortune here. The snowman slowly shakes his head as the Gnome pulls himself up to the bar to order some rather expensive Polish spirit... |
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31 Dec 15 - 11:40 AM (#3762023) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee People are screaming at Severn. "Put it on! Put it back on!" Then a tentacle reaches out from the jello pit and hands Sev his clothes, a series of bubbles sounding remarkably like "PUB IB UN!" The squidlets, however, are running around the room waving a pair of men's heart-covered undershorts. |
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31 Dec 15 - 12:18 PM (#3762035) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: MAG oh wow; how did i miss the reopening of the tavern? if anybody starts singin' Auld Lang Syne, you better get it right. and she launches into "Child's Christman in Wales" |
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31 Dec 15 - 01:57 PM (#3762061) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Mrrzy The tosspot, back in out of the weather, recalls mistily that first encounter with bombadil as a verb. And sends another goblet out, this time to Tabster, in gratitude. |
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31 Dec 15 - 10:31 PM (#3762127) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Severn Severn only actually got as far as taking off his shirt. The burn scars from having accidentally catching fire in his kitchen a few years ago were enough to start them yelling. "They don't mind when I go walk for excercise in the municipal swimming pool. And those undershorts aren't mine. If you look, there's several other ones hanging on the tree, along with the watches, purses and that policeman's hat. In fact the revised topography of my chest from the skin grafts is not uncomfortable at all. Just try it....." Severn lies on his back on the couch and one of the Swedish ladies lays next him and gives it a try. "Mmmmmmmm....Interesting.........Comfortable ..........Ni-i-i-ice texture......." says Inger. "Let me try", says one of the other Swedes. "Not 'til she's through", says Severn. "That might tad some time....." Inger makes anoise like the purring of a kitten and drifts off asleep.Severn grabs his shirt and the famous "Death By Accordion" T-shirt that was sent to him by LeftyD off the floor to keep them out of the greedy tentacles of mischievous squidlets......... The policeman pats the bald spot on top of his head and finally realizes his hat is gone. Can the long arm of a rather drunken version of the law possibly prove a match for the longer arms of a pack of wild squidlets? Plus, his hat is hung near the top of the enormous tree........ " |
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01 Jan 16 - 09:55 PM (#3762265) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Bossy neighs again, enjoying giving the squidlets rides. Severn has collapsed from the throws of Bliss, one of the Swedish ladies, who used him to demonstrate her jui-jitsu abilities, and is snoring peacefully. Only five more days of Christmas, thinks the man with the flagon and sword. |
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01 Jan 16 - 10:19 PM (#3762269) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Mrrzy < |
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01 Jan 16 - 11:08 PM (#3762272) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Mrrzy Oops, interesting disappearing act on the html. What was in the parens was "j'ai trop mangé" but it was in French quotes. |
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02 Jan 16 - 10:19 AM (#3762336) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Well, the auroch is finished, teeth and toenails. MMario, bring on the roasted Great Auk and Passenger Pigeon! |
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02 Jan 16 - 02:16 PM (#3762402) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Severn No more squabbling, Mmario. AUKward, HO!...... Here's how those nasty "Put it back on!" rumors got started. I was minding my own business, dancing with the lovely Acme, throwing in what little we remembered from the Frug, the Watusi and the Hully Gully when.... SPLAT! .....I got hit with a water filled balloon thrown by a squidlet. Now the rest of them may have been throwing regular water balloons, but not Billy The Squid, the worst rapscallion of a scurvy bunch, had added a strong dose some of the worst dime store perfume imaginable, Eau d'Amitalle or something of the like, and I got told that I smelled like a French whore house by a few that looked like they'd know. The bandleader called a waltz, "It's WALTZ Time! TAKE IT, WALT!...." ....and dear sweet Acme was still game, but I was even yet still gamier to the point of being out of season, so she said "Game Over!" about halfway through and left at a run. I went into the locker room, stripped down and found an Out Of Order sign on the shower door, so I stepped back outside in only my Speedo trunks and seeing a group of squidlets, armed and ready, I asked whether their balloons were filled with plain water and when they nodded, I put my thumb to my nose, stuck out my tongue and said, "You mangy little octopi (the worst insult you can give to a squid) couldn't hit the broad side of a whale!"...... SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! Severn pirouetted so that he could get a thorough soaking, ducked back in the locker room and completely toweled himself off and finding fresh dry clothing except for clean shirts, reemerged dry but bare chested back into the party. The rest you know, and now he lies comfortably on a big couch with Inger the Swede cuddled up next to him, thinking the New Year isn't all that bad...... He didn't suffer the worst of it, though. Billy had hit someone with a sepia filled balloon, but I don't know who, as they were rendered unrecognizable. He'd also hit DeFrosty with one, changing his color completely. "How does it feel to be a Negro snowman?" asked Gnu. "No problem", replied DeFrosty. "People still come and talk, even if just out of curiosity. At least, it didn't make me look like an oriental. NOBODY, but NOBODY will go anywhere near YELLOW snow. So it coulda been worse, I guess....." The policeman has found a long ladder and is ready to attempt to retrieve hit hat way up near the top of the tree...... |
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02 Jan 16 - 02:30 PM (#3762408) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Severn Someone asked Mmario where he found the Auks. " They were helping the lambs keep time over by some manger", he explained. The ladder falls out from under the policeman, who was reaching for his hat, and he cries out for help, desperately hanging near the top of the Christmas Tree. The alligator calls the Fire Department down the street and tells them, "Please com help us down at the Tavern. We have a policeman stuck in a tree." "Don't worry", said Amos, rushing to the rescue. We should be able to handle it." "Yes", says the alligator. "But I just had always wanted to say something like that over the phone....." |
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02 Jan 16 - 02:47 PM (#3762412) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Dave the Gnome Did someone mention Orcs? |
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02 Jan 16 - 10:29 PM (#3762462) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Orcs? Not yet. |
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03 Jan 16 - 11:35 AM (#3762562) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Janie The was a loud crash as an Orc, a'straited in a jacket, busted the door to the tavern down with only his left shoulder. |
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03 Jan 16 - 01:04 PM (#3762584) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Stilly River Sage Uh, oh. A rare orc-currance for the tavern. |
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03 Jan 16 - 11:07 PM (#3762689) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Mrrzy Not all the fruits are in the orc...hard. |
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03 Jan 16 - 11:55 PM (#3762695) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Stilly River Sage You remember how (if you read the book, mind you!) the Hobbits won in the end? Easily accomplished here in the Tavern. Said Orc had better just shuffle on out the door and count his lucky stars that Frodo or Samwise weren't here to Sting his butt. Back to the story . . . |
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04 Jan 16 - 12:34 AM (#3762698) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee And, seated on the floor, the orc is balancing a ball on his nose, clapping his flippers, and going "Orc! Orc! Orc!" Finally, Eliza takes pity on the poor thing and throws it a fish. |
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04 Jan 16 - 03:23 AM (#3762721) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Eliza ...followed by a buttered crumpet, a mince pie and some sliced haggis... (which she just happened to have in her apron pocket) She pulled out a ukulele and with the orc singing the descant they warbled 'Auld Lang Syne' and wished everyone a Happy New Year. |
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04 Jan 16 - 11:30 AM (#3762828) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee Severn has teamed with Janie and is doing a trapeze act above the tottering tree -- no net for this fearless duo! And they do it without spilling their drinks! Wunderbar, thinks the man with the sword (which he is using to roast marshmallows over the fire). And he quietly sips his hot ruttered bum amidst the confusion and gaiety. |
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04 Jan 16 - 01:23 PM (#3762848) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Severn In through the broken door stream a perfectly coordinated flock of Orc-Kestrals, their natural enemies, grasping all orcs in their talons as guided by their talon scouts and carried out the door while all the while, singing in perfect harmony. It was like an orcle had forseen and preordained the whole thing. Seemingly, not an add-hawk thing at all. Our collective hearts with raptors thrilled.... People try to prop up the tree and put the ladder back up to try to save the policeman. The firemen finally arrive at the tree, having been delayed by a short battle in which their hoses proved more than a match for a gang of squidlets that had pelted them with water balloons on arrival. The firemen wave everyone away and attempt to take over the rescue effort. The people holding up the tree scattered as ordered and now the tree begins teetering again, to the dismay of the firemen,,,,,,, Unlike the Falling Wallendas and the Mickey Mouse Club, aerial daredevils Severn and Janie are perfectly capable of working without a net, a soaring sight for eyes...... The floor is now quite slippery from all the water expended in the recent battle, and the dancers below are having trouble keeping on their feet..... |
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04 Jan 16 - 01:28 PM (#3762849) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: frogprince While the regular denizens of the tavern have no real objection to the presence of a few fallen women, no one wishes to see anyone injured... |
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04 Jan 16 - 02:06 PM (#3762859) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Megan L A wee auld wifie wie a big stick (tae walk wie) and a whip(Don't ask Gnu) stomps in the door. Aw right which tattie hied gied the Orc the buttered crumpet? Noo Magnus wis it you wit knocked on the door have telt ye tae get wee Thorfin tae dae that at least he useually leaves the hinges so we ken whaur tae pit it back. The Orc who is totally smitten with the wonderful provider scowls at Granny Dom and is quickly reminded tae mind his manners wie a swift clout wie the stick. She orders all the orcs back tae Orkney but has a bit of bother wie Magnus as he grabs haud o the wifie whit hid gien him the magic crumpet "Grannie kin a tak her hame wie me?" |
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04 Jan 16 - 08:54 PM (#3762947) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Janie Jeez. And Old Christmas still 3 days away... |
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05 Jan 16 - 12:11 PM (#3763060) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Mrrzy, at work When we shall all have an Epiphany... True story: I said I was going to cook guylásleves for Epiphany, and one of my kids asked who she was. Epiphany, that is. |
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05 Jan 16 - 01:32 PM (#3763077) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: frogprince " guylásleves "... Obviously some kind of European dialect for "golashes"; what an odd custom! |
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05 Jan 16 - 06:12 PM (#3763099) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Janie Severn and Janie make one last high swing. At the apex, Severn raises his arms, tossing her upwards, and lets go. She curls into a tight ball, rotates 3 times, then extends and does a lovely swan dive into the jello pit. All she can think about is how she must get loose of squiddie and the pit and to those two women who managed the wee orc(k)ie so expertly before Old Christmas. The sign up to apprentice with either one of them ends on Little Christmas. Wiping jello out of her eyes, she spies the (umph) Cavalier sipping his hot buttered bum. He becomes a blur behind more plumes of jello as Severn splashes down in the jello pit in front of her. |
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05 Jan 16 - 06:33 PM (#3763103) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Severn Severn makes a splash that turns everything around him green from an overwhelming Jello sea......... |
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05 Jan 16 - 09:39 PM (#3763128) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Mrr The tosspot cackles - galoshes, indeed! and dodges the Jello wave more nimbly than ought to have been possible. |
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05 Jan 16 - 10:58 PM (#3763134) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee The gentleman with the sword -- no Roundhead he! -- continues to sip his hot drink and ruminate upon the reindeer fallen through the hole in the roof and are now clinging precariously to the tottering tree. Oh deer, he thinks. I hope that they don't horn in on the rescue work. Antler all, that's the fire brigade's job and it would just sleigh them if they failed at it. Eight reindeer, not so tiny, who carry bootiful things at Christmas, Old and New. He had successfully dodged the jello tsunami by jumping up and clinging to the rafters until after it passed, when he dropped softly back into his seat, drying it before he landed. Lime jello plays hell with white breeches. |
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06 Jan 16 - 08:27 AM (#3763224) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Dave the Gnome It's Christmas Eve! Shouts the Gnome, coming out of the Polish spirit induced coma. Time for my baked cod piece... |
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06 Jan 16 - 08:28 AM (#3763225) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Dave the Gnome ...or is it a piece of baked cod? |
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06 Jan 16 - 11:16 AM (#3763255) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: frogprince Cod piece roasting by an open fire, Jack frost nipping at your nose.... |
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06 Jan 16 - 01:26 PM (#3763276) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Severn I know of some songs about the Cod Wars...... Dave steps up to frogprince, fish in hand, and in his best imitation of a New England accent, offers it saying, "My cod, sir."..... Rap, If the green Jello tsunami doesn't get you, the Lime disease from the reindeer ticks might..... The green Jello turns out to be sugar free, so Severn, who dropped like a lemming, gets to bask in the Lime Lite for awhile...... |
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06 Jan 16 - 05:57 PM (#3763323) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Mrrzy, at work Epiphany! shouts the tosspot, suddenly realizing it was the 12th day of Christmas. Where have the 4 calling girls been? |
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07 Jan 16 - 02:50 AM (#3763375) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Dave the Gnome Merry Christmas Julian! :-) |
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07 Jan 16 - 10:09 AM (#3763493) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: frogprince It's not JULIAN, it's JULIUS |
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07 Jan 16 - 06:42 PM (#3763617) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Mrrzy Knight mimic! shouts the tosspot... |
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07 Jan 16 - 08:11 PM (#3763628) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Janie Old Christmas Morning has come and gone. As the band strikes up Breakin' Up Christmas, the fellow with sword rouses from his drunken slumber, the squid waves all 8 tentacles in the air, a squidlet squidding from the tip of each one. The Orc herder with the walking stick starts thumping her cane in time to the music and Eliza rises up and commences to buck dancing. All the denizens of the Tavern are up and moving toward the door - quite a parade! Out the door they go. Janie grabs a box of kitchen matches on the way out and tosses them to the guy with the sword as she careens down the steps in her wheelchair, deftly saving herself from toppling sideways with swashbuckling moves of her cane. To tosspot tosses itself out the door with the greatest of ease. Sandra at this moment does not think of the long walk back to down under, caught up in the excitement and drama. The Prince of Frogs coats himself in auroch grease to avoid going dormant in the cold outside. Some fellow in a cowboy hat and a fine resonant voice to match the fine resonance of his guitar brings up the rear, leading the stringband and trying to stay out of the way of the furiously moving arm of the fiddler. There is a moment of quiet. A small voice from somewhere in the crowd is heard to say "It's too cold out here, let's go inside." Even in the chaos of the stampede back into the tavern, folks manage to grab up the fireworks, arsenal, etc or whatever y'all want to call it, and the pile ends up, as if by magic, deposited on the floor of the tavern, squarely under the hole in the roof. The guy with the sword takes a kitchen match from the box. He is pretty sloshed and if it were not for the gnome sitting on top of his hat, it likely would slide off, to be trampled among the dancers. The swashbuckler lights a match. Squiddy grabs the youngins faster than an eye can blink and ducks for cover in the jello pit. Time to break up Christmas. |
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07 Jan 16 - 09:10 PM (#3763638) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: gnu A round of Turkey Turd Beer for all in celebration! The doc declared today that the replacement of the catawrecks in both my eyes, left and right, were 100% successful. That's 200%! Perhaps I can now join in on such banter as is herein without the impediment of poor sight, would that it be contributory for any matter. None the less, my gain is, perhaps, your loss, I wax, rhetorically. Or do I? Another round KEEP! |
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08 Jan 16 - 03:22 AM (#3763662) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Megan L hip hip Gnu oh sorry that should be eye eye Ung. Granny picks up her basket filled with wet sphagnum moss and gently starts gathering the squidlets to hand to their mum, she cant reach very high but a few wee taps wie her stick and they summersault intae the basket. |
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08 Jan 16 - 11:11 AM (#3763785) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Mrrzy The tosspot, revealed to have been the ghost of James Thurber, slowly turns into an invisible cartoon of a dog, who unheard, barks twice before leaving the tavern by dissolving into invisible gasses,which smell bad. |
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08 Jan 16 - 04:57 PM (#3763872) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Janie The guy with the sword had a big swagger, but no follow through. Passed out and fell flat on his face, unable to light the match. Several denizens of the tavern breathed a deep sigh of relief. Sinsull cackled as she walked out. Everyone else save MMario slipped away into the fog of early morning. He leaned against the bar for a few moments, a pensive expression on his face. Shaking his head as if shaking off a dream, he straightened and snapped his fingers. He and the squid got busy cleaning up the place of anything that would rot or draw roaches before the next time the tavern opened it's doors. Decided the best they could do at present once the perishables had been tossed out into the woods behind the tavern was to spread a tarp over the hole in the roof. That done, the squid headed back to the jello pit, not too worried about what had become of the squidlets. MMario lifted up the door with it's busted hinges and nailed it in place from the inside before slipping out the back door. Meanwhile, Janie, who had been sitting out in the parking lot, too entitled to help with the clean up, realized her ride had left without her and she was stranded. |
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08 Jan 16 - 07:46 PM (#3763904) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Sandra in Sydney we can walk together till we reach the parting of the ways, Janie, or maybe your ride will remember you & come back sandra (who does not like walking) |
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08 Jan 16 - 10:18 PM (#3763938) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: Rapparee The wonderful chap with the rapier awakens, shakes his head, and calls Bossy, his horse. Bossy comes, as usual, when called and the swordsman mounts. Bossy moves off at a smart canter, collecting Elsie the packhorse on the way past. Janie is snatched up, wheelchair and all, and taken back to her abode (riding double with the Aussie was fun as they played pinochle all the way). And MMario sighs and nails the door, which Bossy had knocked down, back up again. |
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09 Jan 16 - 03:48 PM (#3764066) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: GUEST,Severn Severn, having secured the padlock key to the tunnel that led to the Mudcat Recovery Ward, exits back to his bed, hoping nobody finds out about his expertise on the flying trapeze. Mrs. Squid locks up behind him and rehides the key so that there will be no squidlet escapes or invasions by Nurse Ratched as in years past. Severn slips quietly back into bed, and if he's still a little sticky and smells a bit of green Jello, nobody will pay to much attention in these surroundings. He'll let a nurse take him into the shower later. Time to make the Mark Of Snorro...... "Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z........" |
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09 Jan 16 - 08:08 PM (#3764127) Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015 From: frogprince Back at his home pond, frogprince takes the cod out of the freezer, intending to bake it for dinner. He turns it over and reads, printed on the skin, "D.T. Gnome: gardens guarded, 24 hours, competitive rates", with a phone number. "I'll be darned", he says, "I thought he was just joking". |
