To Thread - Forum Home

The Mudcat Café TM
http://mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=161242
124 messages

BS: First Joke Thread of 2017

31 Dec 16 - 07:01 AM (#3829706)
Subject: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red

well it is 2017 somewhere in the Pacific Soooooooooo........

Would those in favour of glove puppets, please put their hands up


31 Dec 16 - 09:10 AM (#3829726)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy

All who believe in telekinesis, raise Mr. Red's hand!


31 Dec 16 - 09:15 AM (#3829728)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red

how can I reply to that when m y hnaddd keepssss risingggg???


02 Feb 17 - 05:05 PM (#3836369)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy

I hear the wall is only going to cost half as much now that the Mexicans are shitting bricks...


02 Feb 17 - 06:21 PM (#3836377)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: gillymor

What is the name of the presidential plane?

Hair Farce One


01 Mar 17 - 01:21 PM (#3842310)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: HuwG

I'm amazed that nobody has posted this one yet.

In all the thrillers starring e.g. Bruce Willis, Clint Eastwood etc, somebody pulls out a gun, knife or bomb near the President of the United States. The Secret Service people all shout "Get down, Mr. President!"

Now they'll shout "Donald! Duck!"


01 Mar 17 - 05:59 PM (#3842352)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: keberoxu

You had to echo Reagan to his wife Nancy: "Honey, I forgot to duck..."


01 Mar 17 - 06:48 PM (#3842359)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: gillymor

Every time my wife sneezes, she has an orgasm. When I asked her what she takes for it, she said "black pepper"!


01 Mar 17 - 09:32 PM (#3842375)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

The ACA repeal bill is being held in an undisclosed basement AP
I bet Price Waterhouse is in charge of security


28 Mar 17 - 10:51 AM (#3847146)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy

The dehydrated runner came in 3st.

Also:

Dijon vu: the feeling that you've had that mustard before.


29 Mar 17 - 10:17 AM (#3847360)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

Déjà fu: the feeling that you've had the shit kicked out of you before...


29 Mar 17 - 10:22 AM (#3847364)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red

I thought you said that last year!


29 Mar 17 - 10:40 AM (#3847368)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll

Not entirely happy with this, but I'm sure Gershon Legman would have appreciated it

Three friends drinking in a pub start talking about how they were going to be in trouble with their wives when they get home late
They finally decide that when they got home they will obey every request their spouses' make to the letter, without question - they agree to meet the following night to swap experiences
As arranged, they met up the following night; two of them cut and scratched and the third totally untouched.
"What happened to you two?" the unscathed one asked.
"Well", said the first, "I got home, rather the worse for wear, as you know, knocked the bin over and broke the milk bottles on the step - my wife shouted down from the bedroom, "That's right, wake all the neighbors" - so I did".
The second one said, "something similar happened to me".
I decided to make myself a cup of tea and dropped the cup and saucer on the floor".
My wife shouted down, "Why don't you smash all the crockery while you're at it? - so I did - this is the result".
They sat in silence for a few minutes and one of the war wounded asked, "You seem to have come out unscathed, Tommy - what happened to you?"
"Well lads", he said, "I got home and found I was feeling very randy, so I got into bed, tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, "how about it?"
She said, "You can cut that out for a start - (opening his hand) - ever seen one of these up close before?"
Jim Carroll


02 Apr 17 - 05:33 PM (#3848233)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

We can save time and space by writing only the punchlines of disgusting tasteless jokes:
examples-
Ever seen this before.
Donald, duck
Rectum damn near killed em
Two shots and a splash
Got any grapes
The Aristocrats!
1 scoop of ice cream and 2 scoops of Donald.
They both disappear after a hot shower.
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!
Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!
His hands makes his d–k look bigger!
Hit a banjo player in the face with a frying pan.
Hide his food stamps under his work boots.
The one that's alive at the bottom trying to eat its way out.
Nothing!
They fell for that trick once already!
None, the beer should be open when SHE brings it!
Pretty big word for a 12-year-old.
Not being retarded
Because the look on its face is priceless!
One walked on the moon, and the other raped little boys!
Your bike.
Dress her up like an altar boy.
Cancer!
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
A pilot, you racist f–k!
Santa goes down the chimney.
It allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
A Doberman in a playground.
1. A "Thank You" card from the welfare system of her state. 2. A $200 check from "Crimestoppers".
Because I'm stronger than you.
Depends how hard you throw them.
Maggots!
All the ones who can run, jump or swim have already crossed the border
A frog in a blender.
They only had 2 trucks.
A model eating a cornflake.
Sarah Palin gets nailed EVERY DAY
Brake her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
Wonder what the car was doing in the kitchen
Can you put me up for the night?
"Out of what?"
You would too if your name was Frggndorffngg
Take your foot off his head!
He breaks his nose.
They don't f–king listen!
AIDS&Ebola
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
Nail one of its hands to the floor.
"Get off me, Daddy! You're crushing my Marlboros."
The lottery!
(Spread arms and look mopey) This much.
The dishes, if she knows what's good for you
Getting the blood off your clown suit.
He's too proud to pick the cotton out of the bottle.
Ice cweem!
The grip!
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
Give them a basketball.
You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Depends on how hard you throw them.
Hearing the ribs crack under the pressure.
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
God gave him his gas bill.
He had to sit in the back of the gas chamber.
An erection!
Connect the Dots.
roll in flour
Crib death.
Lifts donkey balls and says "see the clock
Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
A dead puppy.
Someone too lazy to steal Billions
How could anyone stoop so low?
The coffee tastes like Mountain Dew
black pepper


02 Apr 17 - 06:02 PM (#3848236)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F

That's like the one about the prison in which the prisoners are not allowed to talk at mealtime, so they make up a list of jokes so instead of telling them they can just yell out the number without identifying themselves. One day someone yells out a number and nobody laughs. His cellmate explains later that it was because he didn't tell it right.

That led us, in a lab I once worked in, to number the jokes we told each other, with a brief description (not necessarily the punch line). I still have the list. Here are the first ten:

1. The team of Tom and Louise
2. Doctor, what shall I do with...
3. See that man over there? I have...
4. I can predict confidently...
5. Life presents...
6. It's a long way to...
7. Last year I had one glaring fault.
8. When my doctor treats you for kidney trouble...
9. ...It makes you deaf.
10. I think I'm coming down with something....


03 Apr 17 - 03:18 AM (#3848282)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: BobL

The new inmate tries again, yells out a large number and every falls about laughing. Says, "Did better that time". Cellmate replies, "Yes, we haven't heard that one before."


03 Apr 17 - 11:01 AM (#3848356)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy

I was trying to tell the joke whose punchline was Fuck your canoes! and the person to whom I was telling it interrupted with Make a drumhead out of *that*, assholes! and I about died laughing... ok, anecdote, not joke.

Two women walk into a bar and discuss the Bechdel test...


03 Apr 17 - 12:23 PM (#3848374)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

http://www.motherjones.com/files/blitt.car-final.gif


03 Apr 17 - 04:34 PM (#3848417)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F

11. The shortest distance between to pints...
12. J. Schwartz, New York
13. It's a meshuggeneh herring.
14. So I lied.
15. That's just to make it harder.
16. St Francis of Asissi?
17. Doctor, you must learn not to...
18. Air yew a Jyew? Waal, air yew?
19. Mr Mitesky, you forgot your package.
20. Uncle Max tells us that soon...


03 Apr 17 - 06:36 PM (#3848430)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy

Then again, I've always known the punchline (I think) Funny, you don't *look* Jewish, but I don't know the joke.


03 Apr 17 - 07:05 PM (#3848433)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red

Heisenberg was stopped by the police.
Mr Plod says "Sir", cos British police are polite like that, "Did you realise you were doing exactly 78 miles per hour"?
To which Heisenberg replied "Thanks a bunch officer, now I don't know where I am"


04 Apr 17 - 07:24 AM (#3848506)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: daithi

Mrrzy - the version I've heard goes like this:

A catholic priest gets into a railway carriage in New York, and is sitting opposite a little old Jewish lady.
She leans over and asks "Are you Jewish?"
Wearing a typical priest's garb, he's a bit surprised, but nods politely and says "no, Madam, I'm not Jewish".
A little later she asks again, and he replies the same.
After the tenth time , he's a little frustrated when she says again "Are you sure you're not Jewish?"
He shouts out "OK - I'm Jewish!!".
She looks at him for a minute then says in a quiet voice. "hmm...Funny, you don't look Jewish".


04 Apr 17 - 08:58 AM (#3848524)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy

Thanks. That sounds right.

OK, here's one my dad used to tell as a litmus test that everybody except one single peace corps volunteer, long dead now of AIDS, flunked.

An eagle was flying high in the sky when it met a soul. Ah, eagle, said the soul, by way of greeting. The eagle, being a discreet bird, said nothing.


04 Apr 17 - 10:50 AM (#3848550)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: JMB

Here's one from Newfoundland. (No, I'm not a Newfie).

A man was working at a construction site and was up on a ladder. He drops his screwdriver. He climbs down to get it and there is a little boy standing there. He says: "You know, my Daddy wouldn't have to climb down to get that screwdriver. Do you want to know why?" The man says: "Why?" The little boy says "My Daddy would have two screwdrivers." The man tells the kid not to bother him. He's up on the ladder and drops his pliers. He climbs down and the little boy says that his Daddy wouldn't have to climb down, because he would have two screwdrivers. The man tells him to not to bother him. It was close to lunch time and the man had to use the lavatory. He goes behind the bush and when he comes out, he sees the little boy standing there. He says: "I suppose your Daddy's got two of these as well." The little boy replies: "No, but he's got one twice as big."


04 Apr 17 - 11:03 AM (#3848555)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: JMB

Note to the optimist and the pessimist: While you two were arguing about whether the glass was half full or half empty, I drank it. Signed, the opportunist.


04 Apr 17 - 11:06 AM (#3848556)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll

An elderly man was taking one of those long, interminable train journeys across central Russia early in the twentieth century – the train stopped at a dusty one-street town in the arsehole of nowhere and the conductor announced there would be a five-hour delay.
The man walked the single street several times until he had seen everything there was to see, when he spotted a little shop with watches hanging in the window, so he decided to go in and get his own watch cleaned.
He went in to find a wizened old man sitting behind the counter; "could you clean my watch sir?" he asked
"I don't do watches", said the old man, "I'm a mohel"
"Then why do you have watches hanging up in your window?" asked the man.
"What should I have hanging up in the window?" came the response.
Jim Carroll


04 Apr 17 - 02:02 PM (#3848604)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Bill D

Donuel's list missed a few:

"Thursday's your day in the barrel"

"The whole shovelful, Miss Kitty"


04 Apr 17 - 06:00 PM (#3848638)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F

21. What a way to spend Easter!
22. A disgusting young man named McGill
23. Give your girl a fabulous Gruen...
24. ...Look at these gas bills.
25. Can't you do anything right?
26. Between your legs...
27. May the President play thru?...
28. I had a little accident.
29. Dammit, they keep slipping in...
30. Go out in the rain and...


04 Apr 17 - 06:15 PM (#3848642)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

Let's stick to telling jokes, chaps and chapesses. This thread is getting to be the bloody opposite of a good laugh, and, Jaysus, do we need one!


04 Apr 17 - 10:44 PM (#3848667)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

Yah Vold Capitan, I know nothing, noo thing.

"whats the good news?"

"your 24 hours started yesterday"

"mortality is a pre-existing condition".


04 Apr 17 - 11:06 PM (#3848670)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

FOX news has spent 32 million dollars for 2 old white guys to sexually misbehave. Jeesh, I've been behaving sexually for free.

Roger Ailes became a Trump surrogate
Bill O'Reilly still makes 18 million/yr
I did not know sexual harassment pays so well.


05 Apr 17 - 07:33 AM (#3848760)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

Put on your best German accent for the punchline.


Met a bloke at the Olympics carrying a big long stick.

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked him.

"No, I'm German," he replied, "but how did you know my name was Walter?"


05 Apr 17 - 08:14 AM (#3848773)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez

I agree with Steve lets be done with Alt humour and just have a good laugh at some funny jokes!

Cheers,

Andrez


05 Apr 17 - 01:04 PM (#3848859)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

The Early Art of Diversion:

Donald did you all those cookies?

MMph, mouth full, "Brother gwabbed my private parts"

NO I DID'T He j...

WHAT ! Freddy go to your suite without dinner. Are you all right Donnie?

"mmph"


05 Apr 17 - 01:18 PM (#3848863)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

edit

Donald, did you eat all those cookies for the party?
"mmph" (mouth full of cookies), I believe Brother gwabbed my private parts."
NO I DIDN'T He j...
WHAT!! Freddy go to your suite without dinner!
Are you alright Donnie dear?
"mmph."


05 Apr 17 - 10:09 PM (#3848951)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Seamus Kennedy

A German visiting Poland for the first time. Polish border guard asks "Name, please." "Gunther Schmidt", says the German.
"And where do you live?"   "Berlin."
"Occupation?"   "Oh God no! Just a vacation."


06 Apr 17 - 12:09 PM (#3849083)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll

German industrialist in a bar sstands up to walk ot and falls flat on his face
The barman looks up and says "Schindler's pissed"
Jim Carroll


06 Apr 17 - 06:02 PM (#3849143)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F

A prospective immigrant to Australia was asked, "Have you ever been arrested?" He raised his eyebrows & replied, "I didn't realize that was still a requirement."


06 Apr 17 - 06:24 PM (#3849147)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

Went to one of Humph's jazz concerts in Exeter, just six weeks before he died, though he was hale and hearty that evening. He told a joke that he said he'd got from Barry Cryer:

"Have you ever shoed a horse?"

"No, but I once told a pig to piss off."


06 Apr 17 - 07:41 PM (#3849164)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

Knew a bloke whose willy was exactly twelve inches long, but he didn't use it as a rule.


06 Apr 17 - 09:05 PM (#3849180)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

A bodhran owner, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After a little while, the bodhran man says "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says "You're a bodhran owner, aren't you?"

The bodhran man, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says "That big red one is the radiator."


07 Apr 17 - 06:27 PM (#3849358)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F

When my father was in the Navy, ca. 1920, he was an engineer & spent most of his time in shipyards. However, it seems that they did put him on a ship one time, and while he was being sick, a real sailor came up behind him and said "If you feel something hairy & round come up, swallow it down quick, because that'll be your asshole."

I have often thought that that has the makings of a song in it, tho I haven't gotten around to it. The chorus would be

    Roll, pitch, yaw,
    Surge, sway, heave!


07 Apr 17 - 06:52 PM (#3849363)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

A tenuous link with that joke, Joe, but it reminded me of one from many years ago, when Jimmy Hill, Gawd bless 'im, was the main football man on British telly.

Little boy says to his teacher, "Miss, does that Jimmy Hill on telly spend a lot of time on board ships?"

"That's a funny question," says the teacher, "Why do you ask?"

Well, Miss, every time Jimmy Hill comes on telly my Dad shouts at him, 'Jimmy Hill, you anchor!'"
.


07 Apr 17 - 07:09 PM (#3849364)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: JMB

A Sunday School teacher was quizzing her class. She asked them who created the universe. Mary was akeep so Johnny poked her in the back with a pin. She woke up and cried God Almighty. The teacher said That is correct Mary. She asked who God's son was who died on the cross and rose three days later. Mary was asleep again and Johnny poked her in the back and she cries Jesus Christ. The teacher says right again Mary. She asks what did Eve say to Adam after their twenty seventh child. (Or how many kids they had, can't remember the number). Mary is asleep again and Johnny pokes her in the back and she cries If you stick that thing in me again I'm going to break it in two.


08 Apr 17 - 05:37 PM (#3849533)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

The grade school Republican Golf Club was invited to Mara Lago and were told to write a question on a card for the President. Richard's card was on top. The President read it and started mumbling.
It said "Your fans would like to know what urine 2 besides golf"
He read the second card 'Do you use a long or short putter?'
Tight lipped he read the next "How close do you get to the hole without it going in?"
Donald turns to the chaperone and yells WHAT DO YOU TEACH THESE KIDS and stormed out.


09 Apr 17 - 09:43 AM (#3849649)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy road. Suddenly, the light turned amber just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crossing, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the crossroads.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and honked the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the crossroads.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious policeman. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the charge desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, annoying the man in front of you and swearing loudly at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the rear screen.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"


09 Apr 17 - 11:04 AM (#3849660)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Roger the Skiffler

Just been to an Alan Barnes gig- his announcement jokes are as always worth the admission price.
"We#'re going to play a Latin number next. I always think to play one of those you need at least one Brazilian in the band. I'm not going to say which of us has it..."


09 Apr 17 - 06:32 PM (#3849721)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

One of my old chestnuts but I don't care.

Little boy goes into the frozen food shop. He says to the man, "My mum says can I have a packet of Birdseyes pissoles please, mister."

The man frowns, then smiles. "Ahah, little boy, I think I know what you want, but it's an R, not a P!"

"OK," says the little boy, "can I have a packet of Birdseyes arseholes then please, mister."


09 Apr 17 - 06:49 PM (#3849724)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

Before I play a ukulele medley I say "I normally don't like a lot of talking before anyone plays but I have one question; "Who here likes ukulele music?" - no matter what anyone says, I say - "That's too bad".


10 Apr 17 - 09:02 AM (#3849828)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

* Thank you Victor Borga


10 Apr 17 - 09:57 AM (#3849842)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

Speaking of dead comics, Why did no one make tribute to or mention of the ultimate snub by Don Rickles by dying. Are we so PC as to not honor the man who kept his finger on the third rail for over 60 years.
He was known as Mr. warmth who led with making fun of the ugly truth yet he never discriminated. Everyone really wanted to be insulted by Don.

Think about how similar Donald Trump is to Don Rickles, but without the warmth. They are both the Merchant of Venom.

Perhaps dead was the average age of Don's fans but if you ever saw him you know you laughed.

Just incase you are a PC snob, ironically you are so because of Don.

So here is to the real life Mr. Potato Head, Don Rickles, a Kelly hero and a man who made life more fun.


10 Apr 17 - 10:44 AM (#3849847)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: gillymor

Don, I've known a lot of people who didn't think Rickles was particularly funny, myself included, even before PC became part of the modern lexicon so give the scolding act a rest will ya.
Now, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, THAT'S an insult comic.


19 Apr 17 - 09:26 AM (#3851221)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: HuwG

This will sadden anyone who appreciates the '60s...

I recently cleared out a lot of Dusty Springfield memorabilia.

Now I don't know what to do with my shelf.


19 Apr 17 - 09:56 AM (#3851229)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy

My nephew was on the insult dog show!   But back to jokes.

Q: What do you called a doped-up Pikachu?
A: Tokemon!

(it's about to be 4/20 in the US...)


20 Apr 17 - 09:33 PM (#3851523)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

Creative Justice;

Bill O'Reilly was offered his job back under the condition he acquiesce and be harassed into consummating a sexual liaison with Bertha the 279 lb Fox set furniture mover, with all the female FOX employees watching on closed circuit TV.

He took the golden parachute.




Remember There outta be a law?
How about There outta be Justice?


30 Apr 17 - 11:39 PM (#3853178)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy

OK, the contest was, pick any 2 real or fictional people, and say something about their putative offspring, gender of famous people irrelevant.

My favorite musical one was, the child of Paul Ryan [Obamacare would-be relealer] and Johnny Cash would take away your health care, just to watch you die.

My totally favorite one was, and if you didn't watch the tv show you won't get it, the child of Dick van Dyke and Timothy Leary would always be tripping on the ottoman.

The rest are here, for your amusement.


01 May 17 - 03:10 AM (#3853189)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll

Thre domestic science teacher asked the class to bring in something medical for the next lesson.
Little Mary brought in a first aid kit - the teacher said, "that's excellent Mary, just what we wanted"
Tommy brought in a little box containing a selection of things they used to remove splinters - tweezers, a needle, a bottle of TCP, some cotton- wool"
"Excellent, Tommy".
Suddenly, the door burst open and in walked the tearaway of the class wheeling an iron lung.
The teacher and the class where astounded.
"Where on earth did you get that?" asked the teacher
"It's my father's", came the reply.
Didn't he say anything when you took it?", asked the teacher
"Yes sir - aaaaaagggggghhhhhhgg!!"
Jim Carroll


01 May 17 - 04:01 AM (#3853194)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll

Queen Victoria is being conducted around a military hospital on a morale-boosting execrcise during the Crimean War
She arrives at the first bed and asks, "what are you being treated for soldier?"
"Syphilis, ma-am", came the reply.
Unfazed, she asked, "and what treatment are you receiving?"
"The wire brush, ma-am" came the reply.
"and what's your ambition?" she asked.
"To get cured, get back to the war and do my bit for Queen and country, your majesty"
"Very commendable", she said, and moved on.
At the next stop - the same proceedure.
"What are you being treated for?"
"Piles ma-am"
"And what treatment are you receiving?"
"The wire brush ma-am"
"And what's your ambition?"
"To get cured, get back to the war and do my bit for Queen and country, your majesty"
"Very commendable"
Next bed
"What are you being treated for?"
"Pyorrhea of the gums ma-am"
"And what treatment are you receiving?"
"The wire brush ma-am"
"And what's your ambition?"
"To get ttreated before those other two dirty bastards ma-am", came the reply
Jim Carroll


05 May 17 - 12:10 AM (#3853350)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy

Darling, my gynecologist says I can't have sex for a week!

-What did your dentist say?


05 May 17 - 10:33 AM (#3853405)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy

... and your proctologist?


05 May 17 - 07:21 PM (#3853462)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll

A Young Australian man takes a job as a shearer on a remote station in the Outback
After a few weeks he was doing fine except he was beginning to miss female company, so he mentioned it to his mates one morning
"What do you do for women around here?"
"Not much you can do mate; if you get really desperate, try the sheep".
He ignores the advice, and decides to knuckle down to the job, until after another few weeks he's beginning to climb the walls.
He says, "You don't really do it with the sheep' do you?"
Course we do mate, how do you think we survive?"
"But don't people laugh at you".
"Nah mate", it's a problem we all have".
So he asks his neighbour how he goes about it.
"Well, you climb into the pen, pick the one you fancy and get on with it".
"And nobody laughs?"
"We told you, we all do it mate".
So he does as advised, grabs a sheep and starts to relieve the pressure.
When he's finished, he turns around and all his mates are rolling about pointing and laughing at him.
"but you told me you all did it", he says.
"Yeah, we do, but did you have to pick the ugliest one?"
Jim Carroll


06 May 17 - 08:49 PM (#3853598)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F

In the good old days, the _Vulgarian Digest_ made up a letters column, which contained the following exchange:

Dear Appie: Is it best to approach a sheep from behind, or to roll it over and lay on top?
Deprived

Dear Depraved: Is the sheep male or female? And for that matter, are you male or female?

*

An Australian sailor, in a red-light district for the first time, met a lady who met his advances more than half way. She took him up to her room, and then ducked into the bathroom to powder her nose. When she came out, she found that he had piled all the furniture in one corner. When she expressed surprise, he explained: "I'm from outback, and I don't know much about women, but if it's anything like kangaroos we'll need all the room we can get."


07 May 17 - 06:00 PM (#3853774)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F

"I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you, sir!"


08 May 17 - 06:55 AM (#3853864)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, when his ninetieth Birthday came along. The staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippogram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked ''What do you want''?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied ''I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx''!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied '' I think I'll have the soup''.


16 May 17 - 08:11 AM (#3855403)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy

The thing about communism jokes is that everybody gets them.


16 May 17 - 09:08 AM (#3855410)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

AP: according to 172 witnesses President Trump shot a man in the middle of 5th Ave. The man was charged with obstruction of bullet and impeding traffic. President Trump tweeted "I did not shoot that man, it is a fake shooting, I was only checking to see if my gun was loaded."


16 May 17 - 09:06 PM (#3855501)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F

"Waiter, come here and taste this soup."
"Where's the spoon?"
"A-HA!"


16 May 17 - 10:42 PM (#3855515)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy

Joe_F, now, that was a fun movie.


17 May 17 - 06:03 PM (#3855628)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F

Mrrzy: I didn't realize it was from a movie. Marx Brothers, at a guess.

Two old Jews sit down in a deli. One orders a glass of tea. The other says, "I'll have a glass of tea too, and make sure the glass is clean." So the waiter comes back with two glasses of tea & asks, "Which one wanted the clean glass?"


17 May 17 - 10:03 PM (#3855648)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Norval

Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks,
"How do you want your haircut?"
The man says, " I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long
hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top."
The barber looks puzzled and says, "I'm not sure I can do that."
The customer says, "Why not, you did it that way last time."


18 May 17 - 01:49 PM (#3855727)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

Mr. Spicer, President Trump is angry over which hunt?


18 May 17 - 01:58 PM (#3855733)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

Spicer: Yes he is.


18 May 17 - 02:02 PM (#3855735)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

Reporter: What?

Spicer: Second base


18 May 17 - 08:28 PM (#3855785)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

Shamelessly nicked from today's Guardian, and Lenny Bruce for that matter.

The Lone Ranger and his faithful sidekick Tonto are surrounded by Injuns and facing certain death.

The Lone Ranger says, "This time, old friend, it looks like we're finished."

Tonto replies, "What's with the 'we,' white man?"


18 May 17 - 09:06 PM (#3855797)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

(Trump under oath)
Mueller: President Trump, was there collusion with Russia?

Donald: There was no co-illusion

Mueller: what was that?

There was no conclusion
:again please
There was no coal fusion
:could you speak into the mike?
There was no coal lit Shaun
:Please, was there collusion yes or no?
There was no collision
:I will ask you one last time!
There was um, confusion with Russia


23 May 17 - 06:33 AM (#3856698)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

I've just been reading about crime in multi-storey car parks. It seems wrong on so many different levels.


23 May 17 - 08:02 AM (#3856714)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red

Man goes to get his hair done and the barber asks how he wants it cut.
"In silence" cam the reply.

reputedly said by Enoch Powell (controversial UK politician of the 60s-80s)

also documented as a Roman joke.


02 Jun 17 - 09:55 AM (#3858466)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

Not a joke exactly, but in keeping with the spirit. Handed over my loyalty card at Morrisons this morning and the checkout machine churned out a voucher for a "free regular hot drink* from your Café."


*not valid online


'Ave a word, Dave!


02 Jun 17 - 05:43 PM (#3858558)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

Q. How do you turn a duck into a country singer?

A. Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.




I'll get me coat...


02 Jun 17 - 08:57 PM (#3858572)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F

A Jew was sitting on a bus, and he noticed that the black man next to him was reading a Yiddish newspaper. Eventually he could not contain his curiosity, and he said, "Excuse me, sir, I know it's none of my business, but are you actually Jewish?"

"This I need too?"


03 Jun 17 - 09:06 AM (#3858624)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll

In the run up to WW2, the Pope and Stalin held a secret meeting on Lake Galilee to discuss the threat of fascism looming over the world
They sat with their representatives in a small boat in the middle of the lake and debated furiously until the Pope decided he wanted a pee, so he climbed out of the boat, walked across the surface of the lake and relieved himself under the nearest tree.
Determined not to be outdone, shortly afterwards Stalin followed suit, clambered over the side of the boat and sank like a stone and was quickly hauled to safety.
A couple of hours later the Pope was taken short again and repeats his performance - shortly after, Stalin, tries to emulate his performance and has to be hauled out again.
The third time this happened the Pope says, "for ***** sake, show him where the stepping stones are before he drowns himself"
Jim Carroll


03 Jun 17 - 01:16 PM (#3858663)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll

A young lad is on a cruise with his parents when the ship runs into a mighty storm and goes down
He clings to a piece of wreckage and eventually finds himself washed ashore on an idyllic island - the sole survivor.
He finds there is plenty of fruit to be had and a ready supply of spring water, fo me manages to build himself a shelter of sorts and take care of himself.
No-one comes to rescue him and he is there for years, growing into a fit and healthy young man
As he matures, he begins to be aware of his body, particularly his penis, which has him completely puzzled because of all it's apparently uncontrollable idiosyncrasies
He begins to explore all its possibilities and finds that as he sits on the shore and allows it to dangle down, if he tenses his muscles he can flick the pebbles with it.
He practices and practices - first a few inches, then a foot, then two foot, then a yard.... until he discovers he can sit a fair distance and flick them into the sea.
One day he is totally engrossed in his game when he looks up to find a beautiful, scantily-clad young woman, another survivor of another shipwreck watching him curiously.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
He explains at length (so to speak) telling her how he has increased his ability over the years.
"That's an awful waste", she says, let me show you what to do with it - and she throws of what clothes she had on, sits down beside him and begins to work on him until they both fall onto the sand and make passionate love.
"There", she gasps, "when they've finished, "what do you think about that?"
"Very interesting", he replies, "but I suppose you know you've totally ruined my flicker".
Jim Carroll


03 Jun 17 - 01:39 PM (#3858669)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: gillymor

Steve, your Bill Withers joke was pretty good in spite of the high corn factor but I don't think anyone over here thinks of him as a country singer. R&B or Soul singer maybe but he was kind of hard to categorize.


03 Jun 17 - 06:49 PM (#3858709)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: BobL

A later version of the stepping-stones story, featuring the three party leaders of the time, ended:
Major: "Tony, shouldn't we have told Paddy about the stepping-stones?"
Blair: "What stepping-stones John?"


03 Jun 17 - 08:04 PM (#3858722)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

I know, gillymor. I know absolutely nothing about Bill Withers and I relayed the joke exactly as it was told to me! 😳


15 Jul 17 - 10:33 PM (#3866335)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy

When do musicians break into song?

Only when they can't find the key!


16 Jul 17 - 06:55 AM (#3866370)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

Young man went to see the doctor.

After a little while the doc said to him, "You're going to have stop masturbating."

"What! Why, doc?!"

"Because I'm trying to examine you..."


16 Jul 17 - 08:32 AM (#3866382)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll

Did you know that Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter
Jim Carroll


17 Jul 17 - 06:03 AM (#3866515)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll

A teacher walks into class and finds a turd in the middle of the floor in the front of the class
Horrified, he hurriedly wipes it up and gets on with the lesson
The following two days he finds similar "messages" left on the floor
Then, on the fourth day, when he finds yet another, he says, "I'm going to draw the blinds and turn the lights out when I turn them on again, if the culprit hasn't written an apology on the blackboard I will keep the entire class in for the period of a whole month".
He does so, and when he turns the light on, he sees a steaming turd in the middle of the floor and a message scrawled on the blackboard, "The phantom arsehole strikes again"
Jim Carroll


17 Jul 17 - 06:57 AM (#3866537)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver

It was one of those days. I saw my wife bent over the freezer with a juicy bit of leg showing above her stockings, when that feeling came and I grabbed her. Made wonderfully passionate love to her from the back........ I am never going to do it again though!!!!!! It wasn't a nice position over the freezer... and besides... we're not allowed back into that supermarket again!!!!!!


17 Jul 17 - 07:27 AM (#3866551)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

Reminds me of one of the oldest of the lot:

"What's you opinion of sex on the television?"

"Bloody uncomfortable, actually..."


17 Jul 17 - 07:58 AM (#3866561)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

ignore one law ignore them all

Who knew high treason is a big deal?

"I do not recall anything I knew"
- actual quote from witness in Trump Investigation


17 Jul 17 - 09:11 AM (#3866570)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

there is nothing more painful than a huge expanding probe.

the taint on Robert Mueller has grown to a full 10 inches.

why we haven't heard from Donald Jr. is a long fake snooze.

It takes a lawyer: "There is nothing wrong with high treason in a broken political system that needs to be drained, suctioned and vetted by Secret Service in perfectly normal oppositional research meetings."


17 Jul 17 - 10:02 AM (#3866591)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll

A group of farmers in a taverna in a small town on the Mexican border were discussing the exploits of the notorious outlaw, 'Pedro the Bandit'
After a while, one of them turned to a stranger sitting quietly in the corner and said, "Have you heard of Pedro the Bandit stranger?"
"Have I heard of Pedro the Bandit, he replied, "only last week I was riding in the mountains when a man clothed head to foot in black jumped out from behind a rock, pointed a gun and said "put up your hands" - I had no gun so what could I do; I put up my hands".
Then he said "hand over all your money" - I had no gun so I handed over my money.
Then he said, "drop your trousers" - what could I do, I dropped my trousers
He said, "shit" - he didn't have to tell me twice, I shit.
"Now", he said, "eat it" - I feared for my life sir so I ate it.
Then for a second the man looked the other way, so I grabbed his gun, pointed it at him and said "put up your hands".
I had a gun, he had none, so he put up his hands
"Hand over all your money", I said - he could not resist - he handed over all his money.
"Now" said, Drop your trousers" he didn't hesitate, he dropped his trousers
Then I told him, "shit" - he was half-way there already - he shat
"Now" I told him "eat it" - you'd think he hadn't eaten for a weak - he ate it all up.
"Have I heard of Pedro the Bandit - didn't I just have lunch with him only last week?"
Jim Carroll


17 Jul 17 - 02:02 PM (#3866642)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

More captions;

Here is our real Bastille prison cell please go in and look around
SLAM

This list is endless, you don't need a hitman you need an Army
I got one, actually I got two.


19 Jul 17 - 11:59 AM (#3867120)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

A few of my favorite songs:

I Want a Man with a Small Hand; Wake Me Up in Mar-a-Lago; Tweet, Tweet Tweedle le Tweet Rockin Donald, I'm so Indicted!; Putin on a Blitz; Ain't No Sunshine When I'm Gone; Elderly golf carts, We Warm the World; Secretary of Edukashun; Tronald Dump and Clillary Hinton; Deleter of the Fact; Fired is the Hardest Word; The Brain-Mouth Connection; Trump Acres; Hello, Is It Pee You're Looking For? Miss you niverse. ; Faking stuff is hard to do.


19 Jul 17 - 05:36 PM (#3867187)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F

A cat is snoozing on a bar, and a couple of Mexicans are boasting about how macho they are. One of them says "My cock is longer than that cat's tail." At length, so to speak, the bartender is persuaded to find a ruler & measure the cat's tail while the customer drops his pants. He then proceeds to the customer, who protests: "Just one moment. Where did you measure the cat's tail *from*?" "From the asshole." "Kindly do me the same favor."


19 Jul 17 - 07:51 PM (#3867204)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez

Three months ago I put out a call for actually funny jokes in this thread. Seems like nothing has improved just the same smutty, unfunny meaningless drivel and a great loss to the brilliance of contributions to this joke thread in past years. On current form there doesn't seem like anything to encourage new readers or contributions. Sigh!

Cheers,

Andrez


19 Jul 17 - 08:36 PM (#3867208)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

I take your post as a cri de couer, Andre. Much of the input to this thread perplexes me in a most unfunny way. By way of retribution, here's an old one, one of Tommy Cooper's best:

My wife rang me last night.

She said, "I think there's water in the carburettor."

I said, "Where's the car?"

She said, "In the river..."


19 Jul 17 - 08:39 PM (#3867210)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

Sorry, that was meant to be Andrez! 😳


20 Jul 17 - 03:31 AM (#3867230)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: BobL

At least it didn't come out as Andrex...


20 Jul 17 - 04:15 AM (#3867238)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Ernest

or - even worse - Andrax....


20 Jul 17 - 08:12 AM (#3867275)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

Take heart Andrez there will be no more pictureless cartoon captions, American pop song jokes, skit humor or 'Which hunt' jokes from my occasional brain farts. The last thing we need is a fist fight on a joke thread although that too is funny. If Steve Shaw doesn't get a joke, or if the laughometer falls below 5 the attempted criminal joke should be expunged. Mods are well practiced at this.

I will get back to reading World History by Donald Trump, who has made America into the biggest joke in the world.

You may have your world of classical kid jokes, dick jokes, wife jokes and fuck jokes for eternity. Its true current events have no longevity.

I assure you, all will be well again my son.
Go in piss.


20 Jul 17 - 08:12 AM (#3867276)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

Very soon I shall be sojourning in the Andarax valley in Andalucía. Ahhhh!


20 Jul 17 - 09:09 AM (#3867281)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez

You heard my cri de couer right Steve. Your follow on joke gives a whole new meaning to the word car-go-hydrate.....   So heres a couple o quickies as payback. Sorry if you've heard 'em before ;-)
.......

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
...............

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: " Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"!

Cheers,

Andrez


20 Jul 17 - 01:28 PM (#3867349)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

Pay back, Retribution and Revenge - is this the premise of your high quality jokes of yesteryear?

For the English to make fun of your Irishmen and Australian is jolly good fun but it does little for Americans.

Don't let your jokes be a guilty pleasure, go for the jugular.
Joke about your Muslim Gays and Poles.


20 Jul 17 - 06:57 PM (#3867397)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

Poles??

I met a man at the Olympic park who was carrying a long stick.

I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No," he replied, "I'm German. But how did you know my name was Walter?"


21 Jul 17 - 01:06 AM (#3867420)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez

If people want to go for the jugular please just go buy a copy of any publication from the Murdoch press and enjoy the reading otherwise please just have some fun with words, ideas and jokes in this thread.

No need for special koalafications to do so, they are all irrelephant here, wit and humour are the only prerequisites along with the understanding that you can please some of the people some of the time but you can't ...........

Not too sure where I came across this one but its always been a favourite of mine too in so many ways:

"Due to the high cost of energy the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off".

Cheers,

Andrez


21 Jul 17 - 06:28 AM (#3867458)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

While Investigations continue into the first joke thread, legal council has determined everyone is entitled to a full pardon for a   modest fee.


21 Jul 17 - 08:59 AM (#3867493)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez

Further to the above, m'lud:

"It is axiomatic in government that hornets' nests should be left unstirred, cans of worms should remain unopened, and cats should be left firmly in bags and not set among the pigeons. Ministers should also leave boats unrocked, nettles ungrasped, refrain from taking bulls by the horns, and resolutely turn their backs to the music."

Wot say you?

Cheers,

Andez


21 Jul 17 - 09:27 AM (#3867501)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

I say keep the elephant out of the room.


21 Jul 17 - 12:43 PM (#3867541)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: saulgoldie

Andrez

Justincase you haven't already discovered this in yer travels...most threads I have ever seen here and elsewhere have a little drift. And not all the posts are always "the best post you ever read" even if it is dead on target. I have found some of the jokes in this year's joke thread funny or not-so-funny, or even "meh." So what? No one died, and no one went to jail.

So my advice, which is usually ignored, despite the great wisdom therein, is to...take a slow breath. Take another one. And another one, still. Real sloooow; real loooong. Andif you find the "funny content" in this thread is too low, then...howabout go listen to or play a song!

Saul


21 Jul 17 - 03:05 PM (#3867566)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

Always good to hear from Saul. Two Sauls with a glass of Goldie is good for heartburn and insomnia.

It is axiomatic in politics that indignation be canned, cards should race, mirrors should smoke, lies should be bald faced, pens be poison, justice obstructed and the ignored vote.

for an instant post I give this a solid meh. Its your jobe to punch up stuff with potential and steal it. Show me Mel Brooks first draft and I'll show you meh plus.


21 Jul 17 - 03:16 PM (#3867570)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him "Don't be Sicily."


21 Jul 17 - 05:50 PM (#3867593)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw

What do you call Postman Pat when he's on his holidays?






Pat.


21 Jul 17 - 07:56 PM (#3867617)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

If they ever invent a humorometer what degrees will it display?
(top to bottom)
You die from not being able to take a breath by laughing too hard
Teary eyed uncontrolled laughter
Screaming laugh
huge smiling laugh
lol
smile only
head nod
meh .....................
grimace
shake head no
get up to leave
angry heckle
vomit
Honor killing of the Comic
A Trump reaction to Impeachment


22 Jul 17 - 03:26 AM (#3867640)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll

A Japanese man living in London goes into the doctor complaining of flatulence
The doctor says, "flatulence is not really a serious problem and can probably be cured by something you can getr from your local chemist"
The man says, "this is different", bends over and lets out a loud fart - "Honda"
"That is odd", says the doctor, "drop your trousers and bend over".
He examines the man for a few minutes, pokes around and shines a torch up his backside, and finally says, "you have an abscess".
"What difference does that make" says the man
"Well over here we have an old saying; abscess makes the fart go Honda" came the reply
Jim Carroll


22 Jul 17 - 12:29 PM (#3867718)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

"Proud To Be An American" tune parody

If tomorrow all the billionaires I'd worked for all my life,
Owned all the cash and slaves including my children and my wife.
I'd thank President Trump and Putin, who are here to stay
Where the red white and blue stands for Russia and the USA

And I'm proud to be a Russian asset, cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget, the votes suppressed that brought us this doomsday.
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend Donald today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love his land, God bless the rich man's way

From the camps in Vladivostok to nuke plants of Tennessee,
Across the crust of Texas, from seas to shining sea,

From Norlands to the North pole and Moscow to LA,
There's pride in all our oligarchs who we won't betray,
So it's time to stand and salute:

I'm proud to be a Russian Asset cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget the men who tried and took our rights away.
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend Putin today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love his land! God bless the rich man's way.

And I'm proud to be a Russian Asset, cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget the men who tried and took our rights away.
And I'd gladly stand up... next to you and defend her still today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love his land God bless the rich man's way.


22 Jul 17 - 08:19 PM (#3867794)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: michaelr

A couple sits watching a program about Conflicting Emotions.

Guy says, "I think that's nonsense. What could you possibly say to me that would make me feel good and bad at the same time?"

Gal looks at him and says, "Compared with all your friends, you have the biggest dick."


23 Jul 17 - 12:22 AM (#3867803)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy

I am reminded of the scotswomen who, coming home with their washing, find a drunk passed out in a ditch, his kilt up over his face. One woman looks over and says, At least it's not my husband! Another looks over and says, you're right, he's not your husband! And a third looks over and says, He's not even from our village!


23 Jul 17 - 03:28 AM (#3867813)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll

A polceeman walking along the street sees a man with his finger up the backside of another who has his trousers down to his ankles.
"'Ello, 'ello, 'ello - what are you two men doing", he says
"My mate's had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him sick"
"You'll never make him sick like that"
"I will when I put this finger in his mouth" came the reply
Same scenario - this time the unconscious man is lying flat on his back and his mate is blowing into his penis
"What do you think you're doing?"
"He's drunk and he passed out and I'm giving him the 'Kiss of life'.
"Shouldn't that be mouth-to-mouth?
"Have you smelt his breath?"
Jim Carroll


23 Jul 17 - 06:55 AM (#3867827)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver

My doctor asked me ''Do you smoke after intercourse''~? I had to answer ''I'm sorry but I never looked''


24 Jul 17 - 09:52 AM (#3868004)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

That was CORN KNEE


24 Jul 17 - 02:04 PM (#3868056)
Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel

There is money to made in a grave
When paternity suits are the rave
They say Dali's a daddy
by a lass not a laddie
She has never been taught how to shave

chorus:
Genes decide a suit of paternity
at least they say it outta
Dali's moustache of eternity
looks just like the one on his daughter.

There is money to made in a grave
When paternity suits are the rave
They say Dali's a daddy
by a lass not a laddie
She has never been taught how to shave

dh