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06 Aug 00 - 11:24 AM (#272336) Subject: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,john Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'ok i'd like to ask you catters for those jokes that last forever I flunk my tests when i hear the joke about loving babies, cats, horses, dogs, whatever, but not being able to eat a whole one still cracks me any more? john |
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06 Aug 00 - 11:43 AM (#272348) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Dulci46 How about this one: Cannibal mom to son: Don't play with your food. Jusy |
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06 Aug 00 - 11:46 AM (#272350) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Dulci46 Even funny I spelled my name wrong LOL should be Judy |
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06 Aug 00 - 12:02 PM (#272359) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Abby Sale When you talk "classic" to me that means actually Classic. Not just funny. Gags you may have to wait a lifetime to play. Just can't be done until the circumstances present themselves naturally. You can't set them up. Here's some I certainly didn't invent - just was ready when the time came: At the Blairgowrie Fest about 1967, I being a bit tipped (as was everyone else) has to find a tie-down for the tent. Searching far & wide I finally found a 6-foot cord. The effort being exhausting, I hadn't the strength left to carry it so I struggled to drag it along the ground. Says Roy Williamson, "Hey, Abby, why are you dragging that string?" I with befitting dignity explained: "Hey, man, you ever try pushing a string?" Don't look like much typed but it was sure right then. I'm proud that in my time I've also had the opportunity to (appropriately) say "This size, please" and also "Quick, get some water." My life is thus fulfilled but I have a couple of others in mind just in case the situation arises... |
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06 Aug 00 - 12:08 PM (#272363) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Quincy The 'bar' jokes always last the test of time.....a horse walks into a bar and the barman says 'why the long face?'.... Sandy |
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06 Aug 00 - 12:11 PM (#272365) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Quincy Just re-read that!!!!!! It's not why the long face Sandy.....I'm Sandy!!! The joke is just "why the long face" I'm very new to all text stuff! |
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06 Aug 00 - 12:20 PM (#272375) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST Quincy, We 'got' the joke the first time... Explanation tends to ruin jokes |
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06 Aug 00 - 12:55 PM (#272396) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Yo This is a long one but (I think) a good one : (Hope it's allowed here on the Mudcat !) This man walks trough the dessert with a camel to carry his load of water. After weeks in the dessert the man wants to have sex so bad, but the only living thing near is the camel. So he tries and tries but every time the camel does one step forward. It drives him grazy! After days of walking and trying to get the camel, he hears a womens voice in the distance : "water....water..." Well, he has plenty so he goes to where the voice comes from. And finds this beautiful lady. "Oh please sir, give me water..please, I'll do anything for some water" Anything? the man asks. "Oh yes, anything you want!!" sais the beautiful woman. OK sais the man; Could you hold my camel then for two minutes? Yo. |
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06 Aug 00 - 01:00 PM (#272398) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Quincy It was really explaining my bad usage of writing text not the joke!! Back to you John...The jokes that seem to last a good while are "there was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman" Usually they are funny although that's my family mentioned in one line....mother Irish, father Scottish and we now live in England!!!! Good thing that we can laugh at ourselves!!! |
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06 Aug 00 - 01:33 PM (#272410) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: kendall Many people over the years have given me the chance to use an old Main retort.. "Have you lived here all your life? "Not yet." |
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06 Aug 00 - 01:39 PM (#272413) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Yo That's a good one Kendall, I'm gona use it! Similar: (true story) Woman at the petfarm: how old can a rabbit get. Depends on how long it wil live ma'am. |
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06 Aug 00 - 01:45 PM (#272420) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Yo Or : Two guys working together. One says:"Oooh, the boss his wife does it way better than my own wife" Other guy shaking his head :"Don't think so...." |
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06 Aug 00 - 01:51 PM (#272422) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Ed Pellow I'd add the 'frayed knot' joke, but as Catspaw says, I'm a 'frayed knot' joke maven Ed |
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06 Aug 00 - 01:53 PM (#272423) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Nynia I like the "it really happened" type. One year at Newcastleton Festival, many pints ago, we were standing in the hallway of The Grapes catching up on things with friends before the music got serious. My friend Andy had just bought a round of drinks when my father noticed that he was leaning against the bell on the wall. Now where I come from when someone says you're on the bell it's your turn to get a round in. In all innocence father told Andy he was on the bell, Andy protested pointing out that he'd just bought that one. We all saw what my dad saw and caught on, "No Andy you ARE on the bell!" And proceeds to protest massive. The lanlady comes out and says "Excuse me Sir, you're on the bell." We colapse as Andy plaintively pleads "But I've just bought this one, honestly" |
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06 Aug 00 - 01:59 PM (#272427) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Yo Two ballons in the dessert, the one says: Watch out for that cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssss... |
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06 Aug 00 - 02:59 PM (#272451) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST, Banjo Johnny It really happened: an Air Force pal and I were on the way to Juarez, planning to visit a certain house. "I sure hope there's a Chinese or Japanese girl. I've really got a yen for an Oriental woman." "It's liable to cost you a bit more than that." === Classics ... I think the true classics are the three-parters, such as, "A priest, a rabbi, and a a Baptist preacher were playing golf ..." or when the same person does something three times, and the last time is the punch line. == Johnny |
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06 Aug 00 - 04:00 PM (#272470) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Don Firth A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, wait a minute! Is this some kind of a joke?" Don Firth |
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06 Aug 00 - 04:13 PM (#272473) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: MarkS So what do you call a (Polack, Irishman, Scotsman - Insert your own ethnic here) wearing a coat and tie while sitting in a tree? A branch manager. |
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06 Aug 00 - 05:03 PM (#272493) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,bob Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. "This here's a big mule!" "Tain't no mule, this here's a donkey." "Mule!" "Donkey!" Well, this went on for a while until the camp Chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" he asked. "We're diggin' a grave for this mule." "Donkey, dammit!" The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass." An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?" "No sir. We're diggin' an asshole."
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06 Aug 00 - 08:41 PM (#272606) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Helen I was at a folk festival and it was the last day so everyone was packing up and getting ready to leave. A couple of friends of mine had travelled down in the same car and I saw one of them who told me that the other one had her car keys and she wanted to load up her stuff but hadn't been able to find her friend for a couple of hours. She was getting fed up by this stage and she was saying to everyone she saw "If you see Kay, tell her I want to see her!" Helen |
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06 Aug 00 - 11:33 PM (#272678) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: gillymor Did you hear about the (ethnic type or nationality of your choice) gentleman who was the receipient of the first penis transplant? Unfortunately it was a failure. His right hand rejected it. |
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07 Aug 00 - 04:38 AM (#272746) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Dave the Gnome I asked for a a scart lead in our local electrical goods shop. When the guy behind the counter asked how long would I like it I replied I was thinking of keeping it permanently.... I had waited years for that to happen! At the Fylde folk festival one year we noticed that the good people of Fleetwood seem to have an idiosincratic (Is that how you spell it?) attitude towards notices. Ie - The pier will be open all year round from 1st November These toilets are fitted with anti-climb and, in the window of what was obviously an office - This is NOT a ladies toilet. The mind boggles. My favourite though was attached to the door of the joke shop. It simply said "Door Sticks". So I went in and asked for a door stick. You would think people who work in joke shops would have a sense of humour wouldn't you? |
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07 Aug 00 - 05:47 AM (#272762) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Quincy Dave the Gnome Isn't it great when you can get your witty response into a situation (if you can remember it at the time that is!!) My two favourites that I do try to use....much to the annoyance of others are...... In the local DIY store when buying paint and the assistant asks you if you would like it in a bag? You say "no thank you, just leave it in the tin!!" The second is when you are buying a round of drinks in a bar and are trying to carry several glasses at once, the barman says "would you like a tray?" and you say "don't you think I have enough to carry??" all the best, Yvonne (Sandy) |
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07 Aug 00 - 08:29 AM (#272792) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Brian Hoskin Man goes into a bar and asks the barmaid for a double entendre, so she gives him one. |
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07 Aug 00 - 08:47 AM (#272797) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Midchuck The one above about the transplant reminded me...(insert ethnic group here)guy goes into a bar...orders a drink...picks it up in his left hand, pours some into his right palm. Bartender asks what the (insert expletive here) he's doing; he says, "I'm trying to get my date drunk!" Peter. |
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07 Aug 00 - 08:50 AM (#272799) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Snuffy Man walks into a bar OUCH!! - It was an iron bar (Tommy Cooper) Wassail! V |
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07 Aug 00 - 09:12 AM (#272806) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Naemanson In my office people always have something for me to sign. Often I will look at what they hand me and say in an outraged voice, "I can't sign this!" Shocked they'll ask why not. My response, "I don't have a pen."
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07 Aug 00 - 11:04 AM (#272851) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST Why are married women heavier than single women ? Because a single woman goes home, looks in the refrigerator and then goes to bed. A married woman goes home, looks in bed and then goes to the refrigerator. |
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07 Aug 00 - 03:23 PM (#273030) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Fred Being a piper...I hear a LOT of piping jokes. One of the SHORTEST is.. "So there were these three pipers who walked past a pub......" That's IT folks! |
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07 Aug 00 - 04:14 PM (#273068) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: catspaw49 I really don't "DO" jokes. I can't remember them half the time. My specialty is more to the sarcastic retort. But I do have trhee favorites that combine elements of the ludicrous and are obviously jokes...but its hard to figure the punchline. Here's one of the the three. A guy is planning a trip across the desert and he goes to the Hertz Rent-A-Came joint and tells them he wants to rent one. The Hertz guy asks if he wants a 7 day or a 14 day camel. Well, the trip is for 16 days and the fellow can't figure out a way to shorten it. After much cajoling, the Hertz guy says, "I'll see what I can do." He walks over and selects a large 14 day camel and sticks its head in the water trough. As the camel is drinking, he goes into the Hertz Kiosk and returns with two bricks. The camel is almost full and ready to take its last slurp when the Hertz guy walks behind it. Then, with a powerful swing, he claps the 2 bricks together, smashing the camel's nuts in between. The camel goes 'SSLLLLLUUUOOOORRRRPPPSSSSHHH' and sucks up a ton more water. The Hertz guy walks around to the front and says, "There ya' go pal. That oughta' do it." The traveller is appalled. "JESUS CHRIST MAN!!!!!! Doesn't that HURT???"...to which the Hertz guy replies, "Nah........Not if you keep your thumbs out of the way." Spaw |
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07 Aug 00 - 05:38 PM (#273137) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Diva This is a true story. I have been going to Newcastleton Festival for quite a while and as happens you make friends with the locals. One of whom was a lovely auld fellow called Jimmy Robson who was known for his poetry. I live twenty miles away and one day in the local paper was a notice in the deaths column......James Robson...Newcastleton. Well I HAD to go. For those of you not fortunate enough to know Copshawholm,there are a lot of people with the same names....father/son/cousin etc. Now how would we know if it was our Jimmy Robson......easy,if it WAS him he wouldn't be there,he be in the box and if it WAS'NT he'd be in the congregation. Perfect logic. Went to the funeral and he wasn't in the congregation...ergo.... Not once did they mention his poetry but they did mention his time on the railway so it must be an over site. Couldn't go the the "do" after but spoke to a few mutual friends,the usual kind of thing, how sad, he was a good age etc So the year rolled round to festival time again. First stop the Liddesdale. Hubby went in before me as I was blethering(chatting) to a mate. He came out that door quicker than a exocet missile,saying "you'll never guess who I've just seen?" Yes you've got it I'd been at the wrong bloody funeral. I never did tell Jimmy,shame because he would have made it into a cracking poem. He died a few years ago and I didn't get to the funeral as I was away.....still I'd been to his first one.
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07 Aug 00 - 05:46 PM (#273144) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Midchuck As most of you are aware, the Mormon church requires all of its young men to spend a certain fixed period of time in missionary work, before they marry and settle down. These missions have always required travel, in many cases to the far corners of the earth. As I understand it, the church has recently created an exception to the requirement of travel in some cases, and permitted some young men to carry out their missionary work over the internet. These individuals do their mission work by staying up late at night and getting on to various chat groups, to attempt to convert the members of those groups. This is referred to in the church as a nocturnal e-mission. Peter. |
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07 Aug 00 - 08:57 PM (#273261) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Lox What do you call a guitar player with half a brain?... ... A bass player! ___________________________________ How can you tell if the stage is level at a gig?... ...The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth! ___________________________________ A drummer goes into a music shop because he wants a change of instrument. (what with all the bad press and everything) He tells the shop assistant of his desires, and the shop assistant gives him leave to browse to his hearts content. After half an hour or so, he comes back saying that he'd like an accordion and a saxaphone. His hopes are dashed however when he is told that, even though he can have the fire extinguisher, the radiator is staying exactly where it is. |
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07 Aug 00 - 09:07 PM (#273266) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Elise Will someone kindly explain the double entendre joke? I heard it on NPR a long time ago, and I've been puzzling over it since. Here's my favorite: Why don't cannibals eat clowns? 'Cause they taste funny! |
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07 Aug 00 - 09:25 PM (#273270) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Lox If someone explains it, it will cease to be funny. Just lie back and think of England, and when it sinks in you'll be fully satisfied. |
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07 Aug 00 - 09:30 PM (#273276) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Lox ... Then I'll give you another one ... |
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07 Aug 00 - 10:15 PM (#273307) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Melani Q: How do you get a (ethnic group of your choice) to burn his face? A: Call him on the telephone when he's ironing. Q: How did the (ethinic group of your choice) burn his face? A: Bobbing for french fries. |
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07 Aug 00 - 11:32 PM (#273357) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: MarkS OK OK OK Pinoccio is complaining to Gepetto that his love life is horrible. Seems his girlfriend is deathly afraid of splinters. Gepetto says "no problem" and gives Pinoccio a sheet of fine sandpaper and tells him to smooth off the problem area. A few weeks pass. The next time Gepetto sees Pinoccio he asks how things are going with his girlfriend. "Girlfriend?" says Pinoccio, "Who needs a girlfriend!" |
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07 Aug 00 - 11:58 PM (#273372) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokesO From: Mickey191 Old lady walking home from her job in the garment district, approaching her is a young man in a a raincoat. A few feet from her he flashes himself - as he passes she says "Lousy Lining." |
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08 Aug 00 - 12:36 AM (#273389) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: MAG (inactive) sisters, don't stone me for giving up this underground favorite: Q: Why do women fake orgasm? A: Men fake foreplay. |
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08 Aug 00 - 04:21 AM (#273443) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.... |
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08 Aug 00 - 05:56 AM (#273461) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Michael in Swansea Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"..... Michael |
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08 Aug 00 - 07:11 AM (#273477) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: dwditty Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one stops, and, patting himself, says, "Oh no! I think I lost an electron." His friend says, "Are you sure?" the first one replies, "Yeah, I'm positive." |
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08 Aug 00 - 08:27 AM (#273497) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: mactheturk A man is waiting in line at the train station. As he approaches the cashier window he notices that the clerk is a very well endowed young lady with a tight fitting sweater. Eventually it's his turn and the beautiful girl asks, "can I help you sir?", he responds, "oh yes, I would like two pickets to Titsburg please". Immediately aware of his mistake he becomes noticeable red faced. The man behind him in line notices, of course and tries to reassure him..."don't worry pal this happens all the time, it's just a faupax, a mere Fruedian slip, in fact I made a similar mistake yesterday at the breakfast table. I meant to say to my wife.."honey would you please pass the jelly" an instead I said.. "You fuckin' bitch you've ruined my life"..... |
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08 Aug 00 - 05:32 PM (#273786) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Don Firth An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window." |
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08 Aug 00 - 05:34 PM (#273790) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Don Firth Sorry. My mouse has a bad stutter. |
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08 Aug 00 - 05:48 PM (#273801) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST MAG - The way I understand it is - women fake orgasms because they think men care !! |
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08 Aug 00 - 05:59 PM (#273815) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bert Way back in the late Fifties when there was still some red on the atlas. England sent out an expedition to darkest Africa to search for rare plants and animals. As luck would have it they found this very small animal which no one had seen before. I mean no one had seen anything remotely like it. So they took the poor creature from its natural habitat and brought it back to England. Well, you can imagine, The London Zoo was delighted. A new creature to put on display. Trouble was no one knew what it was. Eventually they decided that because it was so rare they would call it a Rary (pronounced rare-ee). It was a great hit and folks came from miles around just to see this poor creature and the Zoo made scads of money. Well the animal grew and its appetite grew, then it grew some more and they had to move it to a bigger cage. Eventually though the novelty wore off and not many people came to see the animal now that it was no longer cute and fuzzy. But this didn't stop the animal from eating, it ate and ate and ate and got bigger and bigger and bigger until it was too big for the largest cage in the zoo. But now there was no money coming in to build a new cage for it so they decide to kill the bloody thing or 'put it to sleep' as they said. So the vet came and gave it an injection but it didn't hurt the beast at all, it just increased its appetite. So they called in the army to shoot it. But the bullets just bounced off. So they bombed it but the explosion didn't hurt it a bit, if anything it just increased its appetite. After much hemming and hawing they decided that they would take it up Mount Everest and push it over the side. That should do it. So the called Sir Edmund and organised an expedition and took the animal to the very top of Mount Everest. WHen they arrived at the top the Rary said to them "What are you going to do to me?" and Sir Edmund replied "We are going to tip you over the side" The Rary looked down and said.. . . .Wait for it. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."It's a long way to tip a Rary" |
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08 Aug 00 - 06:04 PM (#273818) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. |
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08 Aug 00 - 06:12 PM (#273822) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Two fish in a tank. One says 'Whose turn is it to drive?' |
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08 Aug 00 - 06:15 PM (#273826) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Mouse in music shop: 'I want to buy an organ suitable for mice to play.' Chap says: 'You want a mouse organ...' 'Funny - there was another mouse in here this morning asking for the same thing!' Mouse says: 'That must have been our Monica!' |
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08 Aug 00 - 06:56 PM (#273841) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: CamiSu Course we loved the time when we met a tourist on the road in front of the Benton town hall. There is a sign on it that says "This is Benton, New Hampshire" in case you can't find it. Well, this tourist either can't or won't read and he says "I'm looking for Benton", and we looked at each other. Should we say it? "Don't you move a God Damned inch!!!" Thank you Marshall Dodge! We've also spent time sheep wrestling lately. It just seems to happen when you need to move them somewhere... So what is a U-joint? A house of ill repute in Lander, Wyoming. (Sorry Kat & Wyo Woman!) And a variation on an earlier one. A guy goes into a bar and meets a gorgeous woman. She says "For a hundred bucks I'll do anything you want." "Anything?" "Anything." "OK. Paint my house." |
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09 Aug 00 - 04:55 AM (#274126) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Quincy Three Irishmen are being treated by a speech therapist for stuttering. The therapist is a real looker and very curvy. She is finding it very difficult to make any progress with the three men and so she decides to try a reward system. She tells the three that she will have sex with anyone of them who can tell her where they were born without stuttering. The first Irishman stands up, says, "B-B-B-B-Belf-f-f-f-ast" and sits down in disappointment. The second Irishman says "D-D-D-Dublin" and also sits down with a sad face. The third Irishman says "London". In amazement the therapist immediately grabs him, takes into the next room, from where there are sounds of him being rewarded.(!!) After half an hour they return and the Irishman has a stupid, satisfied grin on his face. Before restarting the session the therapist asks if there's is anything that any of the men would like to say. The third Irishman raises his hands and continues "d-d-d-d-erry" best wishes Yvonne
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09 Aug 00 - 06:00 AM (#274141) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Psaltry Psue This virus works entirely on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and then pass this message on to everyone in your address book. Thank you for you cooperation.
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09 Aug 00 - 07:43 AM (#274168) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: ol'troll True story. Two o'clock in the AM and the phone rings. I answered to hear a bleary voice ask,"Is Mary there?" Sez I,"Theres no one here by that name." Comes back,"Are you sure?" I replied,"Have I ever lied to you before?" and gently hung up. troll |
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09 Aug 00 - 02:12 PM (#274383) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Colwyn Dane G'day,
What do you call a stone-age cowboy?
What do you call a very fast cowboy?
What do you call a blue-haired cowboy?
There are more but enough is enough.
Sorry to have inflicted my heaviness on you good folks. Toodle-pip. |
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09 Aug 00 - 08:43 PM (#274699) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Branwen23 WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?..... JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? KEN STARR: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrong doing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.) CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken?" Could you define chicken please? LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And there was rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? -Branwen- |
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09 Aug 00 - 11:17 PM (#274800) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: ol'troll The reason that the chicken crossed the road was to prove to the 'possum that it could be done. troll |
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10 Aug 00 - 06:31 AM (#274924) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Escamillo An innocent one (that's why it's new for me):
The small polar bear - Daddy, I am a polar bear ? - Yes my son, you are, why you ask me ?
(Excuse my poor translation to English)
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10 Aug 00 - 06:59 AM (#274925) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Steve Parkes A man took Friday off work. The doorbell rang, and he went to answer it. When he came back his wife asked, "Who was at the door, dear?" "The milkman," he replied, "collecting his money. Do you know, the cheeky sod told me he'd had it off [had sex with, if you're American] every woman in this street except one?" "I bet it's that snooty Mrs Jones at number ten!" |
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10 Aug 00 - 09:53 AM (#274998) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Steve Parkes "And there's more..!" Victor Sylvester was trying to light a fire. The paper wouldn't catch, so he said to Florence, the maid, "Flo! Flo! Quick, quick, blow!". (If you need to have it explained, YTYTK (or not British)). |
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10 Aug 00 - 10:21 AM (#275008) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Steve, that last one first saw the light of day on ITMA I think (but, like you, I keep on repeatin' 'em!).As Arthur Askey used to say:"Every one a little gem!" Tara RtS |
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10 Aug 00 - 12:23 PM (#275071) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Steve Parkes Thanks, Roger. For those who didn't know, "Y.T.Y.T.K." is the correct reply in polite circles to the question "What does 'T.T.F.N.' stand for?". God bless Mrs Handley's boy. |
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10 Aug 00 - 02:56 PM (#275211) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Irish Rover ta ta for now! |
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10 Aug 00 - 03:07 PM (#275221) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Morticia Just got this by e-mail and had to share it with you...I thought it was priceless........ Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock > at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, > clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an > enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete > amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You > sign!" > Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. > Push off", and shuts the door in his face. > The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the > little > Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his > clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela > is > getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, > shouting: "Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want > them!" > Then he slams the door in his face again. > The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears > a > knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little > Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You > sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. > This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man > by > his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you > understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these > to?" > The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his > clipboard, and says: > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> (It's a beauty) > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> > >>> "You not Nissan Maindealer?" > > > > > > |
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10 Aug 00 - 04:53 PM (#275301) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bill D so, there's this Polar bear who pops up out of a hole in the ice and says "radio".... then there's a Polar bear taking a shower, and he calls to his wife.."Hey, honey...hand me the soap"....and she says "no soap, honey...radio!" and a Polar bear is driving along in his sports car, when he is stopped by a policeman.."Ok, buddy", says the cop, "let's see your license"...."Sorry officer, all I have is a radio" heard those first 25-30 years ago! |
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10 Aug 00 - 04:57 PM (#275303) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Naemanson ??????????????????????????? |
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10 Aug 00 - 09:07 PM (#275453) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Joerg ??????????????????????????? !
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10 Aug 00 - 09:16 PM (#275460) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Tone d' F horse goes into a bar and asks for a whiskey barman says we have a drink named after you what Eric says the horse steve not me |
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10 Aug 00 - 10:52 PM (#275541) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: MAG (inactive) Speaking of Marshall Dodge, there's the one about the guys up in a hot air balloon, and they get lost due to a strong wind (it's actually much longer, but you have to get the tape for that), and when they finally get close enough to the ground they ask someDownEast old codger where they are ... Up in a balloon ... ye damn fools. |
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10 Aug 00 - 11:03 PM (#275549) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bill D I sort of thought the Polar bear jokes might be beyond you mere mortals...but look here..AFTER I posted them, I did a search... |
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10 Aug 00 - 11:08 PM (#275554) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Naemanson Now I understand the radio joke. The light bulb flashed and I remembered my college days when the following joke was considered hilarious. Why does ice cream melt in a doghouse? Because a motorcycle has no doors! Of course it required an additional chemical enhancement to be funny but we always laughed. And yes, Mr. President, I did inhale! |
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11 Aug 00 - 11:10 AM (#275800) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bert In the days of British rule, a young officer gets shipped out to India, straight from Sandhurst, as green as can be. He arrives at the camp and his fellow officers fill him in on all the local customs and warn him of the dangers to be found in the jungle. He asks about the deadly King Cobra and is told not to worry about cobras, they'll just pose and hiss but if you back away they'll just slink off into the jungle. They told him, however, that the Yellow Banded Crate is the snake to watch for. Very deadly and very agressive. and that if he sees one, his only chance is to grab it by the tail and quickly slide his other hand up it's body and grab it behind its head so that it can't bite. Well he goes off into the jungle and returns a while later, barely able to walk, clothes torn to shreds, blood everywhere. They give him a large brandy and when he has recovered enough to speak, they ask him "What the hell happened to you". He says "Well I was walking through the jungle and saw this King Cobra. I remembered what you said so I stepped back and, sure enough, it slid off into the jungle. I walked a little further and then I saw it - The Yellow Banded Crate - I was terrified. But I remembered what you had told me. So I grabbed it by the tail and quickly slid my other hand along its body, and,... . . . . . . . . . . ...Have You ever tried sticking your finger up a tiger's arse?" |
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11 Aug 00 - 11:26 AM (#275815) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Rana who SHOULD be working Heard a couple of versions of this, but this is the only one I have saved. I like it - hope it doesn't offend anybody. THE GREAT DEBATE - _____________________________ Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have 3 days to clear out of here, and I say not one of us is leaving. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."
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14 Aug 00 - 06:55 PM (#277740) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard QUASIMODO'S STAND-IN Quasimodo, the famous Hunchback of Notre Dame, was due for some leave. Unfortunately, he couldn't take time off unless he found a stand-in to do his job whilst he was sunning himself in the South of France. He put postcards in shop windows asking for volunteers, and eventually he was able to compile a shortlist of would-be campanologists. The shortlist was aptly named – there were only two applicants, twin brothers, and both dwarfs. He decided to try them out, to see how they fared. He took them up to the bell tower, and began his usual display of swinging from bell to bell, using the bell ropes in a Tarzan-like manner. Dwarf number one followed him, emulating his performance to the best of his ability. Unfortunately, he misjudged a swing, and his face smacked into the side of a bell, rendering him unconscious. This caused him to lose his grip on the rope, and he fell to his death 100 feet below. A crowd gathered around the hapless corpse, and a concerned voice piped up: 'Who is he?' Does anyone know him?' A second voice ventured: 'I don't know… but his face rings a bell!' |
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14 Aug 00 - 06:59 PM (#277748) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard QUASIMODO'S STAND-IN (part 2) Undaunted, the dwarf's twin brother began his attempt, emulating Quasimodo's performance to the best of his ability. Unfortunately, he, too, misjudged a swing, and his face smacked into the side of a bell, rendering him unconscious. He, too, lost his grip on the rope, and fell to his death 100 feet below, alongside his deceased brother. A crowd gathered around the hapless corpses, and a concerned voice piped up: 'Who is he?' Does anyone know him?' A second voice ventured: 'I don't know… but he's a dead ringer for the other!'
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14 Aug 00 - 07:13 PM (#277760) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: dwditty Col Sanders went to visit the Vatican. After a personal tour of the city by the Pope himself, he was so impressed that he told the Pope he wanted to donate $10,000,000 to the Pope's cause. Of course, he said there would be one condition. The Pope must agree to change the words from "Give us this day our daily bread." to "Give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope agreed and went off to meet with the Council of Cardinals. When they were gathered, he said, "Boys, I've got good news and bad news." They replied, "Let's have it." The Pope went on to say, "The good news is that Col. Sanders has agreed to give us $10,000,000." The Cardinals were ecstatic. "What is the bad news?" they asked. The Pope responded, "Well, we just lost the Wonder Bread account." |
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14 Aug 00 - 11:16 PM (#277920) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: mactheturk The devil approached the young lawyer and said: "If you will sell me your soul and the souls of all your family I will see to it that you are immediately made a partner in the law firm". The young lawyer paused for a moment then replied: "What's the catch?". |
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14 Aug 00 - 11:43 PM (#277930) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,WeeWillie The companion-piece to Lox's above is:
"I didn't know she was dead, I just assumed she was English" |
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15 Aug 00 - 03:10 AM (#277995) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Crazy Eddie A kid walks into a petshop, and says "I'd like to buy a pet wasp". The shop assistant says "Don't be smart kid, you know we don't sell wasps" "Sure you do", says the kid, " You had two in the window yesterday!"
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15 Aug 00 - 06:10 AM (#278047) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Quincy Writing With Emotional Appeal There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages!
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15 Aug 00 - 06:25 AM (#278053) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler .....and the Chinese girl said; "well you don't expect me to start cooking at this time of night". RtS (first line supplied in plain wrapper) |
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15 Aug 00 - 08:37 AM (#278105) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Cut 'n' pasted from today's Independent How many nationalities can you offend in one joke? On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman 2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions. The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers". Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep. The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English aren't getting any |
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15 Aug 00 - 08:49 AM (#278112) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: mactheturk A man hears a knock at his door. Upon opening the door he sees a snail on his porch. So the man picks up the snail and tosses it into the garden. Two years later he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and there's the same snail, who says "What was that all about?" |
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15 Aug 00 - 10:48 AM (#278161) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Pseudolus Two guys walk into a bar, you'd think one of 'em woulda seen it!!
A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop... Frank
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15 Aug 00 - 03:08 PM (#278309) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Little Hawk How do you get a woman to stop bugging you for sex all the time? Marry her! (Don't blame me for this one...I have never been married, technically speaking. But I have heard rumours...)
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15 Aug 00 - 04:07 PM (#278356) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Naemanson The rumors are true! At least in my experience.... Safe to say this, we divorced five years ago! |
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15 Aug 00 - 04:14 PM (#278361) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Pseudolus A similar yoke...... What food can you feed a woman to totally take away her sex drive? Wedding Cake! Frank |
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15 Aug 00 - 07:35 PM (#278450) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Helen For Pseudolus: A woodworm goes into a bar and asks "Is the bartender here?" |
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15 Aug 00 - 09:08 PM (#278490) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,sajumikey A man came to where I work for a job, the interview went well until at the end the interviewee says " Look I must tell you that I had testicular cancer and had to have them both removed" and the boss say's "No problem, come in at 10 tomorrow and you'll be fine" So the other man say's "but I thought it was a six oclock start here" and the boss says " It is but the lads only stand around and scratch their balls for the first four hours" |
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16 Aug 00 - 05:15 AM (#278664) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Fedele A man drives his car in the countryside, he passes over a farm, he sees a group of sheeps and a man is having sex with one of the sheeps! So he quickly drives to the farm and he knocks at the door. A child opens the door. "Hey, boy, there´s a man fucking one of your sheeps!
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah, thaaaaaaat´s my daaaaaaaaaad!"
(Don´t know how to tell jokes in English, but I think it´s cool...) |
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16 Aug 00 - 07:50 AM (#278702) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: CarolC A male friend of mine picked up a female hitch-hiker on a country road out in the middle of nowhere. As these things sometimes happen, they ended up in the back of his van, enjoying each other's company. Part way through their activities, she reaches out the window, breaks off the radio antenna and starts whacking him across the back with it. He figures, "Ok, so she's a little kinky". He decides not to worry about it and they get on with the fun. A couple of days later, my friend goes to the doctor's office for a routine examination. The doctor sees the welts on his back, shakes his head sympathetically, and says, "Man, that's the worst case of van-aerial desease I've ever seen".
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16 Aug 00 - 08:44 AM (#278738) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: ol'troll Tee-shirt: I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up." (grin) troll |
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16 Aug 00 - 08:49 AM (#278741) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: P05139 Kids joke: What goes "Now you see me, now you don't"? A black cat on a zebra crossing! |
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16 Aug 00 - 11:00 AM (#278821) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard What's yellow and white and travels at 100mph? Train driver's egg butty! (That's 'sandwich' for you Colonials...) |
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16 Aug 00 - 04:23 PM (#279056) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Songster Bob Two guys were out walking. One of them, who had a stuttering problem, said, "H-h-h-ey! L-l-l-look at that M-m-m-m-m-maserati!" "Where?" said his friend. "Oh, it's g-g-g-gone now." Later, it was, "W-w-w-wow! L-l-l-l-l-look at the t-t-t-t-tits on that w-w-w-woman!" "Where?" "Oh, she's g-g-g-gone now." "Damn!" Finally, "D-d-d-did y-y-y-ou s-s-s-see...?" "I saw it, I saw it!" "Then wh-wh-wh-why d-d-d-d-did y-y-you s-s-step in it?" - - - - I like this one because the guy with the "handicap" isn't the butt of the joke, while the "normal" guy, who is impatient with his friend, gets stuck. Bob Clayton |
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16 Aug 00 - 09:46 PM (#279255) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard One day two prawns called Jack & Christian were happily trawling along on the bottom of the ocean when a large shark swam by. Jack turned to Christian and said 'I wish I was one of them'. Lo and behold the fairy Godcrab turned up and said 'Your wish is granted' and turned Jack into a shark. Jack was delighted and for a few weeks was happy cruising the ocean eating his friends and enemies alike until he suddenly realised that he was lonely. He had eaten most of his friends and those he hadn't eaten were avoiding him. He wished as hard as he could to be the way he was before and the Fairy Godcrab heard him and again granted his wish. As fast as he could Jack hurried to find his friend Christian who was hiding in a large shell. Jack knocked on the shell but his friend shouted 'No! Go away! You'll eat me!' 'No,no I won't' replied Jack, 'It's alright, I'm a prawn again, Christian'.!!! |
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16 Aug 00 - 09:48 PM (#279257) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Looks like I get the hundred! What about the crab who went to a dance and pulled a mussel?
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16 Aug 00 - 10:17 PM (#279280) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: bflat Bernard, Holy Mackerel! That was a whale of a joke! Love, Shelley Altuna, PA
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16 Aug 00 - 11:05 PM (#279306) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: hesperis If Little Hawk and Pseudolus can post those awful jokes, I am posting this to represent the half of humanity on the other side of the bed... ... Figuratively speaking. *BG* --------------------------------------------- A new two-year degree is being offered at the community college that many of you should be interested in: "Becoming a Real Man" That's right, in just six semesters, you too can be a real man AND earn an MA degree (Male Arts) as well. Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Semester One: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques Plus one elective (see below) Semester Two: MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am. MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II Plus Two electives (see below) Semester Three: ECON 101A What's Hers Is Hers ECON 101B What's His Is Hers ECON 101C What's Theirs Is Hers MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence Semester Four: MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C What WAS Yours is Hers Too SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower Semester Five: SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise Semester Six: MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important I MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her --------- End Forwarded Message --------- I wanted the 101 spot for this! ::Pout:: ~*sirepseh*~ |
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17 Aug 00 - 12:59 AM (#279381) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: CamiSu Remembered this one last night, and I probably really only have to post the punch line, but just in case... Three women of the village were leaving the dance when they came upon one of the men lying in the ditch with his kilt over his head. The two older women both looked and said "Not my husband". Then the youngest lass comes up to look and says "Why he's not even from our village!" Also from my tall kilt wearing friend. What's worn under your kilt? Nothing, lass. It's all in perfect working order! |
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17 Aug 00 - 01:32 AM (#279392) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: hesperis Oh, shheeeeshh! I just remembered my ALL-TIME favorite funny story. Must-post, must-read! (I'm going to have to find a clean joke now, or my rep will be in the gutter... Along with my mind...) This is the story of Coyote Dick (From 'Women Who Run With The Wolves' by Clarissa Pinkola Estés.) Once upon a time there was Coyote Dick, and he was both the smartest and the dumbest creature you could ever hope to meet. He was always hungry for something, and always playing tricks on people to get what he wanted, and any other time he was always sleeping. Well, one day while Coyote Dick was sleeping, his penis got really bored and decided to leave Coyote and have an adventure on its own. So the penis disattached itself from Coyote Dick and ran down the road. Actually it hopped down the road, having just one leg and all. So it hopped and it hopped, and it was having a good time and it hopped off the road and out into the woods, where---Oh no!---it hopped right into a grove of stinging nettles. "Ouch!" it cried. "Ow, ow, ow!" it screetched. "Help! Help!" The sound of all this crying woke Coyote Dick, and when he reached down to start his heart with the accustomed crank, it was gone! Coyote Dick ran down the road holding himself between the legs, and finally came upon his penis in the worst trouble you can imagine. Gently, Coyote Dick lifted his adventurous penis out of the nettles, patted him and soothed him down, and put him back where he belonged. * * * Well, the real ending of this story is the moral. The moral is - I don' know if I can write this here, it's really bad! The moral is - damn, I'm laghing too hard to type it! The moral is that those nettles, even once Coyote Dick got out of them, made his cock itch like crazy forever after. And that is why men are always sliding up to women, and wanting to rub up against them with that "I'm so itchy" look in their eyes. You know, that universal cock has been itching ever since the first time it ever ran away. So, which ending didja find the most funny? ~*sirepseh*~ |
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17 Aug 00 - 02:09 PM (#279702) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Jock? Aye, Lassie? Whit's under yer kilt? Och, stick her hand up and find oot! Och, Jock, it's gruesome! Stick yer hand up again, lassie, and ye'll find it's grew some more... |
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17 Aug 00 - 03:17 PM (#279736) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Pseudolus Helen, loved the worm joke! Hesperis, Bad jokes? I'm crushed..... I mean, it's true but I'm still crushed!! :) I need to try to redeem myself, how's this.... A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?" What dear?" She asks gently. I think you're bad luck."
Frank |
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17 Aug 00 - 08:10 PM (#279869) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Helen Songster Bob, Another one for you: Two men are sitting at a bar talking. Jack: "L-l-l-lovely, w-w-weather l-l-late-l-ly." Jim: "Y-y-y-yes, s-s-s-strange f-f-for th-th-this t-t-time of y-y-year." Jack: "Y-y-you r-r-ready f-f-for an-n-nother d-d-drink?" Jim: "Y-y-yes, it's m-m-my sh-sh-shout" so he turns to the bartender and says "Two beers, thanks mate" Jack says indignantly, "Are y-y-you t-t-taking th-th-the m-m-mickey out of m-m-me?" Jim: "N-n-n-no, I'm t-t-taking the m-m-mickey out of h-h-him."
and one orders the first drinks, "T-t-t-two b-b-beers, th-th-thanks, m-m-mate!' They drink the first lot and the second man orders, |
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18 Aug 00 - 08:37 AM (#280156) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Helen Sorry, ignore the last two lines - I forgot how the joke went and started rewriting it but forgot to delete the bits that were wrong. How to spoil a joke!! Also, this one may not work so well in written form. This is how it should read: Two men are sitting at a bar talking. Jack: "L-l-l-lovely, w-w-weather l-l-late-l-ly." Jim: "Y-y-y-yes, s-s-s-strange f-f-for th-th-this t-t-time of y-y-year." Jack: "Y-y-you r-r-ready f-f-for an-n-nother d-d-drink?" Jim: "Y-y-yes, it's m-m-my sh-sh-shout" so he turns to the bartender and says "Two beers, thanks mate" Jack says indignantly, "Are y-y-you t-t-taking th-th-the m-m-mickey out of m-m-me?" Jim: "N-n-n-no, I'm t-t-taking the m-m-mickey out of h-h-him." |
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18 Aug 00 - 09:35 AM (#280172) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Quincy A conversation overheard in a bar.... "Tis a terrible thing, began Michael, but me dear darlin' wife is unable to have any children. Ah! She's inconceivable!" "You've got it all wrong," interjected Sean. "It's not inconceivable that yer mean. What it is, is that she's impregnable!" "No, no, no, you both of yers a mile wide!" says Patrick with definitive authority. If the woman can't have any children at all, what yer wanting to say is that she's unbearable!!" Yvonne |
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18 Aug 00 - 10:00 AM (#280187) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: jeffp It could be that she's insurmountable and impenetrable! |
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18 Aug 00 - 10:26 AM (#280205) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Quincy LOL. Jeffp you must have been there when the Murphy twins arrived later to give their definitions!!!! Yvonne |
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18 Aug 00 - 12:27 PM (#280272) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: hesperis Pseudolus, I said "awful" not "bad". The jokes I mentioned were good, the subject matter... Weeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllll, um... No. hesperis |
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18 Aug 00 - 02:04 PM (#280342) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Fred went to visit his mate Charlie in hospital. As the operation was on his throat, Charlie was unable to talk, and was breathing through a tube. Fred had only been there a few minutes, when Charlie began to get very excited, waving his arms about. Fred couldn't understand the fuss, so gave Charlie a piece of paper and a pen to write with. The message read 'You are standing on my air tube!' |
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19 Aug 00 - 03:55 AM (#280669) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Helen Quincy, I once found a list of what was purported to be the hardest cryptic crossword clues in the world. One of my favourites was: Q. She, too great for words, can never have children. A. Ineffable Helen |
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19 Aug 00 - 05:49 AM (#280687) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Quincy Helen and jeffp, I'm gonna have to get the thesaurus out now aren't I?? Ineffable and insurmountable......I'm impressed!! Well done!!!!! best wishes, Yvonne |
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19 Aug 00 - 01:28 PM (#280794) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Pseudolus Hesperis, Phew!! Awful I can take. A bad joke just gets a groan, an awful joke will get told again!! Take care... Frank |
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20 Aug 00 - 04:45 PM (#281255) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Naemanson What is the similarity between a banjo tune and a multimillion dollar lawsuit? No one is happy until the case is closed. |
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21 Aug 00 - 07:32 AM (#281567) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,Fedele (still in Germany) From my brother, he´s a Computer Engineer.
Three engineers get into a car. The one who drives tries to start the engine, but it doesn´t work. |
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21 Aug 00 - 11:40 AM (#281683) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Garage mechanic rebuilds a car engine, and realises his customer is an eminent heart surgeon. 'Why,' he cheekily suggests, 'when we both do similar work, do you get paid so much more than I do?' Quickly, the surgeon replies 'You don't work with the engine running!' |
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21 Aug 00 - 02:31 PM (#281785) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: The Walrus at work A man goes to see his Doctor "Doctor, I want to be castrated" The doctor is shocked, "Do you know what you're asking for?" he asks? "Of course I do, Iwant to be castrated !" The doctor looks him straight in the eye and tells him to go home and think about for a week or so and if he still wants to be castrated, to come back. A week later, the man is back, "Doctor, I still want to be castrated", so the doctor arranges for him to be admited to hospital. In the hospital, the man is interviewed by the surgeon, but is adamant, that he wants to be castrated so the surgeon books him into the theatre for the next day. After the operation the man comes around on the side ward, to find another man in the next bed, reading. "What are you in for?" askes the newcomer, "I've just been castrated" "Blimey, I thought it was bad enough being circumcised" "Circumcised?...oh bugger it!....That was the word I was looking for!" Walrus
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21 Aug 00 - 05:22 PM (#281889) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Naemanson A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are talking about God. The mechanical engineer says God is a mechanical engineer because of the design of the body. "Look at how the blood flows and the heart pumps, without a flaw for upwards of 100 years! He has to be a mechanical engineer!" "No," says the electrical engineer. "He is an electrical engineer because of the nervous system. All that activity is run by a system so intricate yet so precise that it runs the whole system with incredibly tiny amounts of power." The civil engineer thinks for a minute and then says, "I know you'll agree that He is a civil engineer. Consider the groin. Who else would run a waste disposal system through a major recreational area?" |
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21 Aug 00 - 07:21 PM (#281964) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard Charlie goes into a chemist's shop. He asks the young assistant if they sell Viagra. She blushes, and says they do. 'Can I get it over the counter?' he asks. The assistant blushes even more. 'You'd probably need two or three tablets!' she gasps... |
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22 Aug 00 - 01:09 AM (#282169) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Elise Ok, in response to the last few jokes: Have you heard they just put out a mixture of Ginko Biloba and Viagra? It's so you can remember what the f*** you're doing! Two engineering students meet, and one asks the other where he got the new bicycle. The one with the bike answers, saying "A girl rode up on it, got off, threw off all of her clothes and told me to take whatever I wanted. So I took the bike." His friend answers "good choice, the clothes wouldn't have fit you." An engineer was walking along one day, when he heard a voice call him from out of a pond. When he got close, he was amazed to discover the voice came from a frog! He picked the frog up, and the frog said "Kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The engineer started to put the frog in his pocket, when the frog yelled "Wait, you didn't hear me, I'll turn into a beautiful, rich girl, and I'll be your girlfriend." The engineer looked at the frog and said "Nah, I don't have time for a girlfriend...but a talking frog, now that's cool!" |
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28 Aug 00 - 06:25 PM (#286801) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bernard An old folks home have started putting viagra in the mens' cocoa. The cocoa helps them sleep, and the viagra stops them rolling out of bed...
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28 Aug 00 - 07:18 PM (#286835) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Dee45 An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice. The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody !!!!!!" |
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28 Aug 00 - 10:41 PM (#286948) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Bill D ...so, there was this well to do old farmer who managed to snare himself a pretty young wife. He was a likeable sort, and folks just shrugged. They knew she sort of expected to inherit a nice farm in a few years, but he knew what he wanted. So, one day he was in town for his annual checkup, and told the doc he had a serious question. "Doc, you know I ain't as young as I usta be, and them romantic feeling..*wink, wink* are a bit scarcer than they were 30 years ago...Now, when I'm plowing down in the south 40, sometimes I get the urge...but by the time I get back up to the house,I'm so tired it's gone again. You got any ideas?" "Hmmmm, John", says the doc, "you know, your place is pretty isolated. Why don't you just take a blanket and your shotgun with you on the tractor, then when you feel in the mood, you can fire off the gun as a signal to Sally to come down to YOU!...She's a bit younger" "Well, durn Doc, that's a fine idea! I'll try it!" So....several months later, the doctor meets old John on the street, and can't resist asking..."Hey, John, how did that idea work out...about taking the blanket and shotgun down with you during plowing?" "Waaal, you know, Doc....that worked pretty damn good...for about 2-3 weeks....then huntin' season started, and I ain't seen her since!" |
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20 May 02 - 07:25 AM (#713804) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Mr Happy in the toilet of an office where i worked there was a sign saying, 'do not put tealeaves down here as they block the drains- please adhere to this notice' mr happy |
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20 May 02 - 08:28 AM (#713818) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: DMcG This is a music thread isn't it?
Roseberry to his lady said
Wi' modest face, sae fu' o' grace
ABC:
L:1/8 |
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20 May 02 - 11:40 PM (#714316) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: dick greenhaus Ineffable is good. I like "inscrutable", though. |
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21 May 02 - 06:47 AM (#714430) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Larkin My favourite stupid joke is - A woman goes into a butchers shop and asks for half a pound of kidleys and the butcher says ' don't you mean kidneys' she says 'I said kidleys, diddle I ' Martin |
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21 May 02 - 08:01 AM (#714481) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: GUEST,fogie I liked this one about Jimmy Shand. He was staying at a B&B after a gig, and woke hungry for breakfast. The landlady brought him a hardly adequate breakfast with small portions of everything. She came over to say that she kept her own cow for the butter and milk. Jimmy looked at the table and asked if he might have some toast and jam. When she brought it in it consisted of a slice of toast, and a minute pot of honey. Jimmy looked wryly at her and said " I see you also keep a bee". |
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21 May 02 - 10:02 AM (#714560) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Alaska Mike A skeleton walks into a bar. The barman asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer and a mop." |
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21 May 02 - 12:33 PM (#714670) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Mr Happy i attended the manchester mc swaree last night in the jolly angler and someone [8 pints other half, sorry i forget your mc name :-)] told us a true story of a wedding she attended. the happy couple had made a request for the church organist to play the theme from robin hood, prince of thieves, which contains a sentiment something like 'i do/give all o everything to you' after the priest had finished the wedding ceremony, the newly weds turned to walk back down the aisle hand in hand; only then to be greeted with the organist's rendition of 'robin hood, robin hood, riding through the glen!' wot a corker!! mr happy
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21 May 02 - 02:00 PM (#714719) Subject: RE: BS: All time classic jokes From: Jim Dixon 132 messages in one thread are too many. There is hardly any point in starting a new thread called " BS: All time classic jokes, part 2" since the jokes in this thread aren't classics, anyway. I suggest that anyone who wants to post another joke go to the thread called PermaThread™: List of all joke threads.,pick an appropriate thread from that list, and refresh it. Many of those threads are much shorter than 100 messages. |