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NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES

28 Apr 01 - 03:59 AM (#450937)
Subject: non-irritating Jewish Jokes
From: CRANKY YANKEE

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Some of my best ancestors were Jewish. I don't know how to trans-literate (or write in Hebrew) this phrase, so I'll attempt to spell it phoenetically. Sie (see) gornisht helfen. It means, "It wouldn't help". File this away for future reference. Also file away "Moil"(Noun) The man who does the ritual circumcision on male Jewish Infants. OK?

1st Joke
an Hasidic couple (very strict, dedicated Jewish sect, not unlike "Amish" or "Menonite") living in New Orleans has a male baby. They send to Newport, Rhode Island (oldest Hebrew congregation in the New World) for a "Moil". Rabbi Theodore Lewis, formerly of Dublin Ireland, (no joke) answers the call. He steps off the train in New Orleans, wearing his traditional garments, Wide brimmed black hat, black frock coat, etc, and starts walking towards the Jewish couples residence. very quickly, a small group of snickering, chortling children begin following him. This universally admired clergyman becomes somewhat annoyed. Finally he turns and faces the unruly crowd of children and asks, "WHAT'S THE MATTER KIDS, YOU NEVER SEEN A YANKEE?"

(No joke, the, now retired, Rabbi of the most respected and oldest Hebrew Congregation in the New World, The Touro Synagogue, Was very Tall and rather thin. He matriculated at Trinity College in Dublin Ireland and spoke English with a decidedly Irish accent. Teddy Lewis was very camera friendly on television. This is the congregation to which President George Washington pledged, "To Biggotry, no comfort, to Intolerance no refuge".)

2d Joke
Man walking down 6th Avenue in Manhattan (I'm old) goes into a shop displaying watches and clocks in the window. He starts taking off his wristwatch , explaining to the proprietor, "This thing has been losing time ........."The proprietor interrupts him with, "Wait a minute, I don't fix watches, I'm a Moil"
The man asks,"Then, what have you got all those clocks and watches in the window for?"
"Well", came the reply, "WHAT DO YOU WANT, I SHOULD PUT IN THE WINDOW?"

3rd Joke
A sociologist, working on his Doctorate, chooses, "Vampirism as a psychological disease" for his subject. He doesn't think real vampires exist. He writes to Count Vladimir Dracula of Transylvania if he can visit his domain while he works on his notes. "Of Course", replies Vlad, "I'll be vlad to have you as my guest"
While packing for the trip, just in case, he puts a large,silver crucifix in his suitcase.
He arrives at castle Dracula and the Count shows him to a room, high in a tower, saying, "You should be comfortable here, no one will bother you, and, if there's anything you need I'll be vlad to obtain if for you" , and departs.
The Sociologist soon begins to compile his notes, when, along about midnight, the window to his garrett flies open and a horrible apparition appears, blood dripping down from two large fangs nd a wild look in his bloodshot eyes"
Quickly the Sociologist siezes the crucifix and thrusts it in the apparition's face. Upon which, the horror wags his index finger at him, as he slowly shakes his head, and says, "SIE GORNISHT HELPFEN"

Mazeltuff.
Love and Knishes

Jody Gibson,

Formerly

Joseph Paul Katzberg

(no, I'm not Jewish, but my father was, my kid brother and my Mom (step mom) are. My biological mother was Josephine Puzelli, long since deceased)

28 Apr 01 - 05:08 AM (#450949)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST

St. Peter is sitting behind a desk at the gates of Heaven, dealing with the line of new arrivals. "Smith - sorry, down those stairs. Jones? Very good, please go through those gates over there...." And on and on. Then suddenly he leaps up and comes round the desk to greet the next applicant with an embrace and a handshake.

"Mr. Cohen - welcome to heaven! It's a priviledge to have you here. Welcome, welcome!"

Cohen is non-plussed. "Me? You sure you got the right Cohen?"

"Certainly!" says St. Peter "Only a man of your outstanding modesty could doubt it. You've led an exemplary life, we don't see one person a year coming through your qualifications. Look, there is a choir of angels waiting to welcome you on the other side of the gates."

Sure enough, Cohen can see wonderful sights through the wide open pearly gates, including a glorious choir of angels preparing to sing. He starts to move forward politely so he can listen to them.

"One moment," says St. Peter, "there is one small formality. We're trying to improve conditions down there, and we're running a little survey of the more outstanding citizens to see what needs to be done. Would you mind answering a few questions?"

"Certainly, certainly, it's the least I can do, and to tell you the truth, it sounds like a good idea"

"Thank you. And the first qestion is - what is the worst thing that happened to you down there?"

Cohen goes white as a sheet, and refuses to answer, just stands there with an angry look on his face. St. Peter asks again. Cohen just shakes his head.

St. Peter says "I'm sorry, we must have the answer to this question before you can go through those gates."

Cohen takes a deep breath and starts to yell. "You wanna know? I'll tell you!" His voice rises to a crescendo. "My son, my son became a Christian!"

"Quiet, not so loud!" says St. Peter "We don't talk about that here. It happened to the boss"

28 Apr 01 - 06:09 AM (#450960)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Hillheader

Mr Cohen dies and goes to heaven where is is bade to enter but not go near the big white wall.

Every time he sees an Archangel his is asked if he has been near the big white wall and always the answer is "No".

One day he sees Abraham and says "Father Abraham, heaven is great but tell me please, what is behind the big white wall?"

"My Son" says Abraham "That's the catholics - they think they're up here themselves"

28 Apr 01 - 07:32 AM (#450969)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Mr Red

the Italian Jew who was so confused he didn't know whether to sing an "oivey Maria" or join the "Kosher Nostra".

28 Apr 01 - 10:10 AM (#451044)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Gervase

The Jewish mother who buys Lorrie two pullovers for his birthday - a red one and a blue one.
Lorrie comes downstairs later that morning wearing the red pullover.
"So," says his mother, "So what's the matter with the blue one?"

And remember, you don't even have to be Jewish to have a Jewish mother! My mother, who was a teacher in Stamford Hill, an area of North London with a large Hassidic community, used to talk about "JMS" when it came to dealing with problem kids who were over-indulged and rather spoiled by overbearing mothers. Apparently it was a recognised term among her colleagues in the area, and stood for "Jewish Mother Syndrome", and was as common in kids from Nigerian families as among the Hassidim.

28 Apr 01 - 10:43 AM (#451060)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Troll

What's the difference between a Jewish mother and an Italian mother?
The 19 year-old daughter stays out all night.
The Jewish mother sobs," You're going to kill me!
The Italian mother screams, " I'm gonna kill you!"
BTW Jody, there could never be a Jewish vampire. It wouldn't be Kosher!

troll

28 Apr 01 - 11:25 AM (#451075)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,vaguely funny and Jewish :)

I got this one form a real Jewish Atheist :) True the person defends Atheists on the internet.

Three facts that are eternal truths.

The Jews will never recognize Jesus

The Episcopelians will never recognize the Pope

Two Baptists will never recognize each other in Liquor Store.

28 Apr 01 - 11:36 AM (#451078)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,Alexi Wrigglemouse

How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Jews don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw the Palestinians.

28 Apr 01 - 12:00 PM (#451082)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Justa Picker

Two elderly Jewish ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now, don't get mad at me: I know we've been friends for a long time....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stood and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

28 Apr 01 - 01:04 PM (#451117)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Little Hawk

Uh, huh...

I thought that Jews were among those selected groups of people that one simply CANNOT make jokes about...unless one is a member of said group.

Perhaps I was wrong?

I refuse to be known as a member of any identifiable group, so I can't make jokes about anyone anymore...except politicians and lawyers, sometimes. Oh, and parrots. They can squawk all they want...I don't give a damn.

- LH

28 Apr 01 - 01:14 PM (#451123)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Midchuck

A group of us lawyers are getting together to identify people who post lawyer jokes on the net and deluge them with frivilous lawsuits, so they'll go broke paying other lawyers to defend them. Serves 'em right.

There, now I am a liar.

P.

28 Apr 01 - 01:19 PM (#451130)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Murray MacLeod

LH, I don't recall that Jackie Mason ever restricted his audiences to Jews only. So the goyim should go but not laugh?

Murray

28 Apr 01 - 01:36 PM (#451139)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Little Hawk

No, no, the goyim can laugh uproariously in that case...they just can't make the joke themselves, that's all...

I think...(if I interpret the word "goyim" correctly).

Lawyers? Phooey. Do your worst...you can't get blood from a stone.

- LH

28 Apr 01 - 01:37 PM (#451141)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Little Neophyte

What is a Jewish American Princess with colitis worse dilemma?
She can't find shoes to match her ileostomy bag.

Little Neo

28 Apr 01 - 01:39 PM (#451143)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard

Marcus rushed in to speak to his father...

'Father, I have got Rachel into trouble, and her family want a £10,000 dowry...'

'Oy, oy, oy, I suppose it will have to be...'

A week later, Michael rushes in with a similar problem, but this time the figure is £12,000...

'Oy, oy, oy,' (etc.)

A few days later, Rebecca sidles up to Daddy: 'Leonard has got me in trouble, father...'

At this news, her father's face brightens considerably: 'Here's where we make the profit!!'.

28 Apr 01 - 01:47 PM (#451151)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Jim Dixon

Cranky Yankee, I will happily concede that your Jewish jokes are better than mine.

Your vampire joke was used (sort of) in the movie, "Fearless Vampire Killers," directed Roman Polanski, in 1967, where the punchline, spoken in a Jackie-Mason-type accent, was "Boy, have you got the wrong vampire!" It makes me wonder if Polanski had heard your version first, and revised it for the benefit of people unfamiliar with Yiddish.

GUEST,Alexi Wrigglemouse: If you want your joke to sound less anti-Semitic, could you at least revise it to say "Israelis" and not "Jews"?

28 Apr 01 - 01:48 PM (#451152)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,Phillip

I remember seeing a TV profile of Honest Ed Mirvish, noted Toronto discount merchant and patron of the theatre. He recalled the first little shop that his father owned in a rundown part of town. "Ladies of the evening", gaudily dressed would parade up and down on the sidewalk outside the store. His father remarked to him, "Now that's the business to be in! You sell it and you sell it and you still got it!"

28 Apr 01 - 02:09 PM (#451158)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: MarkS

Two alter kakers sitting on a bench in Miami Beach.
First one turns to the other and says, "TGIF."
"TGIF?", Says number two, "Whats with TGIF?"
"Oh," says number one, "TGIF stands for Thank God Its Friday. That way we know today is the start of the Sabbath."
"Oh," says number two, "SHIT!"

The first guy is mortified. "Oh, how can you, a pious, respectful man, make such an awful comment? You should be ashamed!"
"What ashamed." answers the other guy. "So Happens Its Thursday!"

28 Apr 01 - 03:17 PM (#451197)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Justa Picker

Phone rings.

"Is this Rabbi Hershkovitz?"
"Yes".
"This is Mr. Hawkins with the I.R.S."
"Yes".
"Is there a member of your congregation named Saul Silverberg?"
"Yes".
"Did he make a donation of $10,000.00 to your congregation?"

"He will."

28 Apr 01 - 03:30 PM (#451205)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard

'Hello? Manchester Evening News Classifieds? Can I place an entry in the Deaths column, please?'

'Certainly, Madam. What would you like to say?'

'Hymie is dead'

'Just that, madam? Our minimum charge allows you six words...'

'Okay. Change it to read: Hymie is dead. Volvo for sale.'

28 Apr 01 - 03:40 PM (#451209)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: mousethief

I hope it is unnecessary to say that I didn't post the "joke" above posted by the guest who used a name designed to sound like mine.

Alex

28 Apr 01 - 03:44 PM (#451212)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard

When's the next bus due?

In about ten minutes, and I'm a Methodist!

28 Apr 01 - 03:49 PM (#451216)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: mousethief

This isn't strictly speaking a Jewish joke, but *I* think it's funny.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decide to go for a walk in the woods near town. They hike for a while and get rather hot and uncomfortable. Then they come upon a beautiful mountain lake. They look at each other, but have no reason to say anything. All three strip naked, and jump in the water.

Soon they are splashing and frolicking and having a good time. They get farther and farther from their clothes on the shore.

Suddenly one of them sees a group of ladies from the town hiking up over the rim of the hill. With horror they realize how far they are from their clothes, and further that there are ladies from all three men's congregations!

In a total panic, they race back to their clothes. The priest and the minister cover their genitals with their hands. The rabbi, however, covers his face with both hands.

They grab their clothes and hurry back behind a large fallen log to change.

"Hey," says the priest to the rabbi, "why did you cover your face, and not your privates?"

"Yeah," says the minister, "I wondered about that too."

"Well," says the Rabbi, "I don't know about the ladies in your churches. But the ladies in my synagogue would recognize ME by my FACE."

Alex

28 Apr 01 - 04:18 PM (#451223)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: The Walrus

Iwas told this in a pub (by a jewish ex-colleague) many years ago, so any errors are mine.

David, the son of Orthodox parents is married "out of the faith", his parents have eventually come to accept the fact and his mother comes to their home for a visit. While David's wife is collecting the children from nursery, his mother turns to David, "David, I'm saddened, I look in the 'fridge, you have milk and meat together, you've only one set of pans, I know for a fact that you sometimes work on the Sabbeth, you never cover your head<1>. Tell me son, Are you still circumcised?"

Walrus

<1> I can't remember the name of the skullcap - W

28 Apr 01 - 04:20 PM (#451225)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bill D

posted this once before:

worked once for a Russian Jew in a salvage yard...gruff old fellow who exemplified several sterotypes..*grin*..one day, we were unloading a truck, we almost dropped a piece of machinery as Dave watched..

"Hey..be careful, there...that's worth money!", he said, "You break it, we have to shoot you!"

"Oh, Dave", replied my co-worker, "You gonna line us up by the shed there?"

"No", replied Dave, straight-faced, "we tie you...back-to-back...save one bullet!"

We were astounded..Dave NEVER made jokes, but he did then...and it was a joke that only HE could make..we would never have made a 'tightwad Jewish joke'...but it was funny HEARING it from him.

28 Apr 01 - 04:43 PM (#451234)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Margo

Alex, that's no joke.... such a thing actually happened. Not exactly the same reasoning, but; My dad was born in Bulgaria and raised in Turkey. One day while traveling through the countryside with his dad, they somehow happened to surprise a couple of muslim women who were in a field and who didn't have their faces covered as they customarily do. The ladies panicked and raised their skirts up over their faces, only to reveal that they wore NO undergarments.... My dad and grandpa were amused!

Not exactly a jewish joke, but my dad and grandpa are jewish... Margo

28 Apr 01 - 04:47 PM (#451238)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: catspaw49

I spent a summer working for a Kosher Catering Service before going to college and it was filled with jokes, although not the formal kind.....more of an ongoing experience which was also educational.

We did a "Bonds for Israel" fundraiser at the Governor's mansion which involved cooking the food at the temple, transporting the food, dishes, silverware...the works.....from the temple to the dinner and then boxing everything up dirty and taking it back to the temple to wash the stuff. First, it took us three days to wash the dishes (600 placesettings-6 courses), I mean we had almost THREE garbage cans FULL of silverware alone. WE would run out to lunch at McDonald's and have to wash our hands before we could continue unloading greasy dishes. There was a certain amount of humor in that situation alone.

We had cooked all the food and the damn truck broke down so the boss (Jewish himself of course) gets on the phone and tries to find a racked truck to borrow. The only one he could find came from a Kosher meat supplier, but this wasn't his "Kosher" truck. As a matter of fact, it belonged to his other non-Kosher shop and had just returned from a run. It smelled strongly of ham and the floor was a slippery mess. We load up the racks of pre-cooked chicken and pans of side dishes and take off for the 10 blocks to the mansion. A few blocks down the road, the boss takes a turn and there's crashing from the back. We pull over and there are stuffed chicken breasts sliding all over the floor...............yep, we picked them up and served them!

One large temple in Cincy had two separate kitchens with the dining hall in between. It was impossible to mix up the meat and milk. BUT, in Zanesville where the Jewish community is very small, so was their kitchen.....I MEAN TINY!!!!!! We do a late milk lunch on Saturday and have a large dinner to do that evening....but we can't light up a thing til after sundown. So you got 25 people in a kitchen that would be cramped with 8, and at whatever time (something like 8:11) EVERYTHING goes nuts trying to get it all underway ASAP. The only phrase that describes it is "Like a monkey fucking a football." It was chaos.

Last story.........The funniest/weirdest catered event was of couse a bris. It must have been a well known family because it was a huge affair. So at one point we're serving the "horse dervies" and pouring wine at an alarming rate when I realize that there is a lot of screaming from a small room off the main hall. Yeah, sure enough, the parents, mohel, cantor, rabbi, and this poor kid screaming his ass off, are coming out the door. Everybody but the kid is grinning, the crowd is completely sloshed................I'm just standing there with my mouth open like the goyish lad I was and the boss comes up and says, "These are such happy events."

Spaw

28 Apr 01 - 06:08 PM (#451267)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bill D

Saul stops at deli in Miami that he's never been in before.

Emil, the owner seats him and sends over the waiter. Saul is dumbfounded when the obviously Chinese waiter greets him in perfect Yiddish, takes his order, brings it promptly, and even thanks him for stopping there.

On the way out, Saul pays the bill and asks Emil "Where did you ever find an experienced Chinese waiter that speaks Yiddish?"

"Keep your voice down, please. He thinks we're teaching him English..."

28 Apr 01 - 06:36 PM (#451276)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard

A Jew goes into a Chinese Takeaway.

'Hey, Ping Pong! Gimme some noodles!'

'Who are you calling Ping Pong? My name is Chai Lung - what is your name?'

'My name is Mark Friesburg, Ping Pong...'

'I told you I am Chai Lung, not Ping Pong'

'Ping Pong, Chai Lung, it's all the same to me...'

'Sorry, cannot serve you.'

'Why not?'

'You sank the Titanic'

'Pardon?'

'Friesburg, Iceberg, all the same to me...'

'You responsible for sinking of Titanic'

28 Apr 01 - 08:17 PM (#451317)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: MarkS

Mortie from Brooklyn is taking a vacation to Japan. He is walking the streets of Tokyo, and all of a sudden he hears the sounds of singing, and it is the evening services! He looks around, and there on a little side street is a Schul!
Mortie decides to attend the services and goes in. As he goes through the door, he is approached by a Japanese guy who says, "Can I help you?"
"Well yes," says Mortie, "I heard the singing and thought I would attend."
"Well OK," says the Japanese guy, "But it's funny. You don't look Jewish."

28 Apr 01 - 08:31 PM (#451324)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: MarkS

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rebbe go up in the space shuttle for three days. Back on earth they are asked by reporters how the trip went.
"How was it, Father?" the Priest is asked.
"Fantastic!" replies the Priest. "I now have a deeper understanding of the majesty of the universe and the power of the Creator."
"How was it for you, Reverend?" the Minister is asked.
"Awe inspiring!" answers the Minister. "Just to think the Lord could create such a thing affirms my faith."

Now they turn to the Rebbe and the Rebbe is a mess. His eyes are red, his beard is all over, his clothes look like they have been slept in forever.
"How was your trip, Rebbe?" he is asked.
"Horrible!" he answers. "Never has such a trip in my life. Every couple of hours, it was dawn, it was dusk, it was dawn, it was dusk........."

28 Apr 01 - 09:03 PM (#451335)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: CRANKY YANKEE

For my Non-North American friends:

sNotre Dame University (pronouned, "Noter Dame) noted for it's perrenially strong football teams, nicknamed, "The Fighting Irish, will admit anyone who meets their very tough scholastic requirements. On the other hand, I don't know if Yeshiva University even has a football team. Enough of the background, here's the joke:

Notre Dame and Yeshiva are playing a pre season game. The score is Notre Dame 110, Yeshiva 7.
In a huddle, Yeshiva's quarterback tells the others that he thinks Notre Dame knows their signals, so, from now on, he'l give the signals in Yiddish. On the next play, he starts to call the signals in Yiddish, when, Notre Dame's center slowly shakes his head, wags his index finger and says, "SEI GORNISHT HELPFEN"

GUEST: WRIGGLEMOUSE:

But that would exclude all the Yehudi in the rest of the world. There are more Jews in New York City than there are in Jeruselem and Haifa combined.

AND THEN

An Isreali soldier is marching 3 Egyptian POW's towards a POW camp, at gunpoint. One of the Egyptians remarks, "I've got to hand it to you, you Israeli soldiers are sure tough"
To which the Israeli replies, "Yeah? You're lucky you didn't run into my husband".

AND THEN ONE DAY,

Moshe (Moses) and Joshua of Nazareth (Jesus) are in a golf foursome at an exclusive Jewish country club. Jusus is consistently "under clubbing" using a wdge instead of a 7 iron, 7 iron instead of a 3wood, etc., and consistently coming up short of the green. Moses's caddy asks, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" To which Moses replies,
"He IS Jesus Christ, he THINKS he's Arnold Palmer".

BUT BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE GAME,
Moses Drives a real screamer down the first fairway, 290 yards. Jesus "tops" his drive and dribbles it about 30 yards in front of the tee. A rabbit pops out of his hole, grabs the ball and starts running towards the green. An Eagle swoops down, grabs the rabbit, flies down the fairway and drops the rabbit on the green. The rabbit runs over to the hole and drops the golf ball into it. Moses puts his left fist on his hip, extends his right hand, palm up, towards Jesus and asks,
" You gonna play GOLF, or just fool around?"

The following really happened, One of the great moments of my life and there was only one person there to witness it. He was sitting next to me on the gun deck of HMS Rose, doing some "Scrimshaw like" etching on a piece of whale ivory. I was whipping a rope end and wearing my sailmakers palm. I had on a pair of "Seafarer" bell bottom dungaree trousers, a blue and white striped "French Navy" shirt and my Tarpaulin hat with HMS ROSE embroidered in gold on the front of a black cap ribbon. (The hat is shaped exactly like a stiff-brimmed straw "Boater", with a stiff crown, flat on top. It is made of tarred, heavy canvas, covered with enough varnish to be able to stand on it without cracking it. The last two coats of varnish have lamp black in them.)Anyway:
I only know a couple of Yiddish Phrases that my dad taught me, and a few words here and there. I used them all up that afternoon.

While we were working, a rather portly, middle aged gentleman tourist, in a charcoal grey suit, watching us, with an amused smile on his face, remarked to his, also portly wife, "Meshugga" (crazy). He never, in his wildest dreams, expected to find a crazy sailor like me who understood any Yiddish. (or is it Hebrew?) I looked up at him and hit him with one of my Dad-taught phrases.
"Meshugga eh?" I asked. And then hit him with it, "ZUL DE VOX'N A GESHVERE IM HOLTZ!" Which means, "You should get a cancer in your throat", a phrase seldom used in jest. The smile slowly disappeared from his face as he and his wife began to walk towards the other end of the gun deck. "HOCKH ZICKH KUPF IM VANTZ" (go hit your head against the wall) I called after him as they hurriedly climbed up to the main deck.
I turned to the guy sitting next to me, who was chuckling, and asked him if he understood that exchange. He said , he understood that the guy called me "Crazy" and that he never expected me to understand him, or to reply with, what he assumed, were insulting phrases.

AND THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE TO WITNESS THIS, ONE OF MY FINEST MOMENTS.

28 Apr 01 - 09:42 PM (#451346)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: fox4zero

In the days af the rebellion against the black and tans, members of the pre-IRA army would go from Sunday Mass to Sunday Mass to speak to the the parishioners (no pun intended)to explain the rebel cause and to raise money for guns and ammo. Pat Briscoe, later to be elected the first Jewish mayor of Dublin, was in the group of rebels about to enter a RC church: "D'ye want me to go in wi' ye boys?" he asked. "Better not Pat, we have enough problem trying to explain the rebellion, with having to explain you too!"

Larry Parish (who as Chief Flight Surgeon 10th Air Division Alaska Air Command, served as Chief Moyle (Moile?) in the Alaska Territory in 1956-9

28 Apr 01 - 09:59 PM (#451354)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Ebbie

Crank Yank, that may have been your finest moment- but why does it leave the sour taste of bile in my mouth?

EB

29 Apr 01 - 12:36 AM (#451417)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Justa Picker

An older Jewish man arrives home early from a business trip.

He walks into his house only to discover his best friend is in bed with his wife.

Stunned, he says to his friend "Saul...I HAVE to...but YOU?????

29 Apr 01 - 09:04 AM (#451523)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Mr Red

Sam (JK) Simmons of www.somersfolklife.com (et al) fame is Welsh and Jewish.
He always smiles when people ask him to sing one of his favourite songs Kosher bailey.
He always entreats others to add verses too.

my new verse
Cosher Bailey's MP "Ron", well he stop awhile in Clapham.
Lost his car & job, but he still don't know what happen
who said political invective had dissapeared in Folk Clubs?

29 Apr 01 - 11:59 AM (#451570)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,tonedeafdave

I'll think I'll add another one - I'm enjoy (most of) these (I'm the 'guest' of the second entry).

A priest and a rabbi are on a long train journey and being roughly in the same line of business, become friendly with each other and spend the hours chatting.

A few minutes before the train is due to arrive the priest leans forward and says to the Rabbi "We've become friends - would you mind if I asked you - have you ever eaten any bacon?"

The rabbi blanches a bit and finally says "Ok, I have to admit, in my younger days I was a bit of a rebel, and I once tried some bacon".

The priest nods, satisfied, and says "Good, wasn't it?"

The Rabbi smiles sadly and says "Yes, I admit it was very good. But tell me! I've been honest with you, after all. Did you ever sleep with a woman?"

The Priest looks pretty worried by finally confesses that in his wilder days, yes, had slept with a woman.

The Rabbi nods. "Nu? Better than eating bacon, isn't it?"

If this thread keeps going, maybe I'll remember a few more.

29 Apr 01 - 12:14 PM (#451578)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard

This is a visual joke, so it won't work too well...

Why are Jewish businessmen bald, with big ears and long bushy beards?

'How much?' (cupping your ears with your hands)

'My life!' (dragging your hands across the top of your head)

'I'll have to think about that!' (twirling beard with your hands)


You can always tell when you're in a Jewish neighbourhood - padlocks on the dustbins, and toilet paper hung out to dry...

29 Apr 01 - 01:40 PM (#451604)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Tedham Porterhouse

While I'm sure that no one in this forum, with the obvious exception of "Alexi Wrigglemouse," has been intentionally offensive, many of these jokes are, in fact, offensive and based on anti-Semitic stereotypes.

29 Apr 01 - 01:51 PM (#451610)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard

The only jokes I have posted were all told to me by Jewish friends, with one exception. The exception ('Here's where we make the profit!!') was told to me by David Kossoff when I was working with him at Manchester Piccadilly Hotel, once.

Jews are notorious for laughing at themselves far more cruelly than non-Jews could even dream of, so I think your point is superfluous, TP!!

Stereotypes are inevitable, and we've had numerous threads on the subject. Let's not start again, this is supposed to be lighthearted fun!!

;o)

29 Apr 01 - 01:51 PM (#451611)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: walkinman

The Arabs and Jews have been fighting for centuries and the real reason for the conflict is the Arab's jealousy regarding the Jew's monopoly of the comedy business, (again this problem has continued for centuries)

There has only been one successful Arab comic in the last 200 years. His name was Aziz Mohmed. He was actually quite funny.

The Jews can take credit for the following list; Woody allen, Morey Amsterdam, Jack Benny, Milton Berle, Shelly Berman, Joey Bishop, Victor Borge, David Brenner, Fanny Brice, Albert Brooks, Mel Brooks, Lenny Bruce, Art Buchwald, George Burns, Red Buttons, Sid Ceasar, Eddie Cantor, Titie Fields, Phil Foster, Buddy Hacket, Goldie Hawn, George Jessel, Danny Kaye, Alan King, Robert Klien, Paul Krassner, Louise Lasser, Norman Lear, Sam Levinston, Jackie Mason, Lou Mason, Bette Midler, Henry Morgan, Zero Mostel, Jan Murray, Gilda Radner, Carl Reiner, Don Rickles, Joan Rivers, Mort Sahl, Soupy Sales, Dr, Seuss, Dick Shawn, Allen Sherman, Phil Silvers, Neil Simon, The Three Stooges, Larry Storch, Sophie Tucker, Billy Wilder, Gene Wilder, Paul Winchell, Ed Wynn and Henny Youngman just to name a few...

No wonder the Arabs are so pissed !!!

Anyway, Thank God for the Jewish comics. They have provided a lot of laughs.

wm

29 Apr 01 - 01:59 PM (#451613)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Tedham Porterhouse

Bernard,

When a Jew tells a Jewish joke, it does not have the same connotations as when a non-Jew does the same.

Likewise, any other ethnicity telling jokes about his/her own group.

For example, your "joke" about Jews hanging toilet paper out to dry is particularly offensive and plays directly to anti-Semitic stereotypes. That you may have heard the joke from a Jew is irrelevant.

29 Apr 01 - 02:35 PM (#451628)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard

WRONG!

Nowhere in this thread has anyone indicated whether they are Jewish or not; in fact, some of our posters are Jewish.

Are you? If you are, perhaps you are being a little touchy. If you are not, then who are you to comment? Too many people get on their high horse without just cause.

Perhaps I should also point out that my Jewish friends do not take offence at my jokes - the secret is to laugh with people, not at them.

I live in Manchester, England, which has the largest Jewish community in the UK. They are, in the main, a fun loving bunch, and would find your comments hilariously funny!

Come on, Jewish 'Catters, what say you?

29 Apr 01 - 02:43 PM (#451631)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Tedham Porterhouse

Bernard,

Yes, it so happens that I am Jewish.

However, even if I wasn't, my opinion would not be different. I love humor and telling jokes. However, I do not invoke ethnic sterotypes, and most especially not of groups to which I do not belong.

29 Apr 01 - 02:51 PM (#451633)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,Rob O.

Of course a thread like this is offensive. Perhaps it wasn't intended to be, but any casual perusing of the current Mudcat makeup should give some clues as to where it COULD lead. It may have been started in all innocence, unlike the "Irwin of Irael" thread, which is simply bored trolling thinly disguised as humor, but I'm not so sure. Can you picture the results of a "Non irritating Born Again Christian" thread? Sorry, I just don't think it adds to the forum.

29 Apr 01 - 03:40 PM (#451645)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bernard

It is almost impossible to tell a joke without involving some form of stereotype, ethnic or otherwise.

Humour is about the ridiculous side of life, whether it be mothers-in-law, spouses, spectacle wearers, or whatever.

Those who try to be 'PC' usually go too far, and make their argument far more offensive than the humour they aim their comments towards.

The past few postings bear this out...

As has so often been said before... if you don't like the thread, just keep out. Turning it into a slanging match does no one any good.

Everybody is entitled to an opinion. Hammering that opinion home until the wood splits is a waste of effort, and detracts from the Forum far more than anything else...

If you want the last word, by all means have it. I won't be reading such childish drivel.

29 Apr 01 - 03:42 PM (#451646)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Hillheader

I've never understood the term "Born Again Christian". My new mother would need to be some size!!!

I accept we're not being PC but we are being funny and so long as we are able to laugh at everyone with equal vigour then it's all ok surely.

The "Jewish" jokes are told in Scotland but replace "Jewish" with Aberdonian as people from that city are supposed to have short arms and deep pockets. Would that be acceptable? It's not racist.

The best Irish jokes are told by the Irish but that should not stop anyone repeating them should it? Or are we only going to be allowed to tell jokes about our own ethnic and/or religous backgrounds? What would the Andorrans do???

29 Apr 01 - 04:22 PM (#451659)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,Alexi Wrigglemouse

Hey Teddy! Spare us the Jewish sensititivity. Don't you know that for stereotypes to be funny, they have to have some basis in reality.

Hey Bernard! I loved the line about the Jews hanging out toilet paper to dry. Great line.

29 Apr 01 - 04:39 PM (#451665)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: CRANKY YANKEE

Bernard. Sure there are. re-read the first one. it closes with, "Jody Gibson, formerly Joseph Paul Katzberg. No, I'm not jewish. My father was and my kid brother and Mom (step mother) are. My biological mother was Josephine Puzelli." (long deceased)

Hey, Ebbie, I can't think of anything more rude than someone insulting another in a language they think will not be understood. (it's also the stupidest) It can happen in any language, and deserves nothing better than to be answere in the language that the other thought you wouldn 't understand. Case in point. During the 1976 "Tall Ships" thing in Newport, my tall,strikingly beautiful wife, Donna, who's family (she says) has been in Newport, "since the earth cooled", was walking past some Mexican sailors. One of them made some comments,.in Spanish, that were extremely insulting. Donna turned, and with a "Northern Mexican Peon" accent said, "Tus Nalgas" a very "North Mexican" phrase which means, "the cheeks of your ass", flipped the hem of her skirt at him, elevated her nose about 25 degrees and walked on. The other Mexican sailors laughed uproriously at their "insulting friend". One, rose to his feet, aspplauded Donna and shouted, "Bueno, Bueno".

BACK TO THE FUNNY STUFF

Here's some support for "Little Hawk's point of view"
A Jewish Tailor (My grandfather) due to a clerical error, was sent down to Hell. He decided to accept his fate and proceeded to make himself usefull. He made a beautiful new suit for the devil, mended a lot of burned up clothing, and very soon became quite popular among the inmates.
God, like any good leader, was reviewing some of the paperwork and other records, of his subordinatess,. when He chanced to come upon My Grandfather's file. Of course, He knew that a terrible injustice had been committed, and, telephoned the devil.
"You got a guy named Isaac Katzberg down there?" He asked.
"Yeah, so what?" asked the devil.
s"Well, there's been a terrible mistake, he doesn't belong down there, send him up immediately".
"No", said the devil, "I've grown quite fond of the guy, I've seen to it that he isn't suffering or enduring any hardships, but I'm going to keep him. It's refreshing to have someone around who's led a good life".
"I insist" said God.
"Tough", said the devil
"I'll sue" said The Lord.
"Oh yeah?", came the reply, "Where you gonna find a lawyer?"

29 Apr 01 - 04:46 PM (#451667)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: CRANKY YANKEE

Bernard, I don't know how to transliterate or write it in Hebrew, so here's the way, I think, the name of the "little black hat worn in Schul", is pronounced.

You know the Japanese company that makes motorcycles, guitars and pianos, "YAMAHA"? Well, just substitute a "K" for the "H" and you've got it.

29 Apr 01 - 06:08 PM (#451703)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Troll

Yarmulke ( ya-ma-ka) or kipot (kee-pa). Both are aceptable terms. A Jewish vampire is impossible. It's not Kosher.
Bernard, Jews do tell jokes on themselves; as do Scots, Blacks and Poles. But what is acceptable from an insider, is resented from an outsider.
Your Jewish friends may tell you jokes and may accept and laugh at your jokes, but if you told them to someone from the same congregation who didn't know you, you might get a very different reaction.
Alexi, I've heard the same "joke" in Milwaukee about the Polish and/or Italian neighborhoods. I wasn't amused then either.
Am I Jewish?
No. I am not.
However, my wife and son are, I play in a Klezmer band and am active in the local Jewish community. Call me a Blue-eyed Cousin if you like.
I was born in the mountains of North Carolina, and grew up listening to tourists making jokes about "dumb hillbillies", so yeah, I tend to be a little sensitive about any kind of ethnic joke.
I'm truly sorry you won't be reading my "childish drivel". You might have learned something.

troll

29 Apr 01 - 09:01 PM (#451819)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Owlkat

Hi, You can call it whatever you want, but getting a cheap laugh on the basis of your own shallow and limited stereotypical perceptions of someone else's ethnic background is pathetic, and ignorant.

I have heard and read more than my share of jokes ragging on Jews, Blondes, East Indians, Newfies, Poles, Blacks, Gays, Lesbians, Irish, Scots, Italians, Women, and Men,and they all share the same basic attitude of pointing why people not like YOU or YOUR GROUP are inferior.

I don't really enjoy pissing on your parade, but this really a load of crap. You can pretend to be clever and witty. Some of your best friends may be Jews. If they are, they should find new friends. Some of the entries may be from Jews. If this is so, I'd suggest that if you really want to kick someone's ass around the room, then make it your own, please.

I have read some amazingly insightful entries on this site, and it is sad to see it debased with things like this. If you do find these jokes amusing, aren't there other places on the web where you can find like-minded people with whom to share racist humour? Surely we can do better than this at Mudcat, can't we?
Owl.

29 Apr 01 - 09:55 PM (#451853)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Melani

I don't think Cranky Yankee had any bad intentions in starting this thread, but I agree that it could go wrong bigtime. Some ethinic jokes are funny and some aren't; I suppose people should just use their own judgement with regard to good taste and possible offense. Mousethief, it's obvious the guest who posted with the parody of your name is trying to make you look bad. There are many jerks in the world--I try to ignore them, and counsel everyone else to do the same.

29 Apr 01 - 09:55 PM (#451854)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,LaHerona

These three old guys sitting on the veranda in Miami talking about their pasts: One says, "I had a great rag business in Manhattan and there was this electrical fire, burnt the place to a hollow shell. I just threw up my sands and retired, moved down here to grow old in the sun." The second man says "I know what you mean. My fine deli Brooklyn, big grease fire in the kitchen one day while I was taking my mother to the doctor. I moved the whol family down here. Couldn't handle the memory." "Yes, it's amazing how losing your business can affedt you. My investment firm had a flood and it ruined every thing, computers, records, the whole mess." Guys 1 and 2 look at each other and then at their new friend and ask, "How do you start a flood?"

30 Apr 01 - 02:26 AM (#451922)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Ebbie

I'm at a party- John Carter comes waltzing by and says, Hey, 'Ebbie', do you know how to keep a n**** from drowning? I say, I wouldn't say it that way, but No. He says, Good.

Later I waltz by him and I say, Hey, John, Do you know how to keep a Carter from drowning? He says, No. I say, Good. He says, Ebbie, that's sick.

Where does anyone get the notion that non-Jews can 'share' "Non-irritating Jewish Jokes"? Irritating is not the word- 'galling' is. It has nothing to do with the need to lighten up- I thought we were past this kind of crap.

Elva Bontrager

30 Apr 01 - 02:49 AM (#451925)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: katlaughing

I, too, was enjoying the beginnings of this thread, at least some of them, but became uncomfortable when the stereotypes were drug out. It's the same as my son-in-law and his friends calling each other n*****, without taking offense, where it would be totally inappropriate for me or anyone not of their colour to do the same.

Jody, I am sorry, but I think your response was probably a little over the top. Surely there was a less offensive phrase you could have used to let on you knew what he'd called you?

This has nothing to do with the dreaded PC, it's just good manners.

kat

30 Apr 01 - 07:49 AM (#451970)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: English Jon

I won't tell the one about die royte shicksa then.

30 Apr 01 - 07:54 AM (#451972)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Little Neophyte

Well I do apologize if I offended anyone. You see I can be a total JAP (Jewish American Princess) at times. And as for the colitis joke, my sister has colitis. She has had two resections of her colon and if she has another flare-up she might need a bag. My sister and I can laugh about jokes like I posted.
But if I offended anyone who has colitis I am sorry. Or if I offended any Jewish mother who is grooming her daughter to be a pure bred JAP, I do apologize. I don't apologize to the Jewish Princesses though, they should know better than to behave like that.

:)

Bonnie

30 Apr 01 - 08:21 AM (#451979)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST

Dear Bonnie,

Q: What is a JAP (Jewish American Princess)? Where did the term come from?

A: The term is not at all a flattering one. Born in the wake of the Jewish flight to suburbia after WWII and the nouveau riche lifestyle adopted by some up and comers, the children of these Jewish suburbanites who had made it out of the ghettoes of the cities were often indulged beyond belief, even called princess, a la father knows best. These children of the fities and onward were brilliantly and caustically described by Phillip Roth in Goodbye Columbus. The name JAP meaning Jewish American Princess caught on soon after. The rest is unfortunate history.

Truth be told, the indulgence of children and the spoiling of them is not new and is not confined to Jews. It is a parent problem that even the book of Proverbs in the Bible comments on, and even the book of Samuel and Kings has a word or two about.

Today, the JAP syndrome is a discredited myth and its adherents are just repeating noxious anti-female and anti-Jewish ( even self-hating , if they are themselves Jewish) stereotypes. Shame on them.

Rabbi Richard Polirer

http://www.jewish.com/askarabbi/askarabbi/askr4448.htm

30 Apr 01 - 08:33 AM (#451987)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Little Neophyte

Well Guest, I can understand your posting and I do apologize if I offended you or anyone else.

Bonnie

30 Apr 01 - 10:34 AM (#452062)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: katlaughing

Bonnie, forget the guilt thing, remember?**BG**

30 Apr 01 - 12:00 PM (#452141)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Wavestar

Okay, I'm not Jewish, and don't want to get very deep into any of this- But I do remember that I used to have a really good laugh reading the humour section of the big book of Jewish myths, folktales and fables that my mother had- mostly stories of Hershel Ostropol, Jewish beggars, Yiddish culture, Chelm, and the like. I didn't think any of them were irritating or offensive. That's the sort of thing I expected to find here - they fit in with Cranky yankee's stories, not all of which I understand, which reflect a deep and fascinating culture and mindset that I'm part of but am as curious about as any other. I fear, Bernard, that I do find some of your jokes irritating - not offensive, but irrtating, because they are shallow and steroetypical, told to you by Jews or not. I wasn't going to complain, though - if they make other people laugh, the world needs more laughter.

I'm sorry I don't have the book to share stories from it with you all. They really are very funny.

-J

30 Apr 01 - 12:31 PM (#452173)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: mousethief

I always wish I could hear what jokes are told about white persons behind our backs. I'm sure some of them are hilarious. I promise not to be offended!

Alex
The Real Mousethief
accept no substitutes

30 Apr 01 - 06:19 PM (#452434)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: CRANKY YANKEE

But, Kat/Katlaughing, they are the only two Yiddish phrases I know that fit the situation at all. I only know two more, the one in the Veampire-football game jokes and the one coming up.

This joke was my Grandfather's (Isasac Katzberg's) favorite joke.

Two guys are telling jokes, One starts to say, "There were these two Jews waiting at...........". The other interrupts him, "Wait a minute", he says,"Why do they have to be Jewish?"
"Well, because......"
"Never mind all that, can't you tell the joke using some other group?", asks the opther.
"No", replies the first "Because.......".
"Well, try!", says the second.
"O.K., There were two Englishmen waiting for a streetcar, One turns to the other and says,

'I say there old bean, A VU KUPF MENDAUKH EIN TROLLEYCAR?'"...........
(when is the next trolleycar?)

Now, all of you "noodnicks" and "kvetch" where do ANY of my jokes involve exclusively Jewish stereotypes?

The vampire joke would be funny if the vampire was Japanese and said something like, "Sore-wa Nahn desuka?"(what is that) but it wouldn't be quite as funny. (I DO know how to spell Japanese, in "Romanji")

The one about the Jewish couple in New Orleans would be funny if they were Amish or Mennonite, except that people from Pennsylvania aren't "Yankees" and Rhode Islanders are.

The football game one would be funny also if the teams were Notre Dame and Carlisle and Notre Dame's center spoke "Navaho". But I don't know the Navaho phrase for "It wouldn't help". And Carlisle also traditionally has a very strong Football team. (Jim Thorpe went to Carlisle).
So where do any of my jokes involve negative stereotypes? Differences, yes, unsavory or negative differences?, No.
The Joke that MarkS told about the "Nihonjin" in Tokyo saying saying, "Gee, you don't look Jewish". is hillarious, and not at all degrading or insulting.

So there..............

30 Apr 01 - 06:42 PM (#452455)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Pseudolus

This is either Irish or Jewish, take your pick....

An Irishman is struck down by a car on a miserable rainy night. The driver hops out of the car and into the rain to aid the irishman. The driver, knowing the man could die at any moment says, "Is there anything I can do or anyone I can call???" The irishman says, "Oh yes, would ye be nice enough to call me a rabbi?". Thinking the irishman was being affected by the accidnet and the weather the driver asks, "Are ya sure it's a Rabbi you want?" Absolutely is the reply. So the Rabbi shows up and asks the Irishman, "So my son, are you Jewish?" The Irishman shakes his head no. "So why", asks the Rabbi, "did you call on a Rabbi??" To which the Irishman replied, "Oh Rabbi, you don't think I'd be makin the good Father come out on a night like this, do ya?"

And one more.....

A man walks into a confessional in a Catholic Church and says, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married with 4 children, 8 grandchildren, and 11 great-grandchildren. I've been faithful all my life but last night I strayed. I spent the night with two gorgeous 20 year olds and we made mad passionate love all night." The priest said, "Well my son, how long has it been since your last confession?". the man says, "I've never been to confession Father, I'm Jewish". The priest is a little confused and asks, "Well my son, why are you telling me this?" The man replies, "Are you kidding me father, I'm telling EVERYBODY!!!!

Frank

30 Apr 01 - 07:01 PM (#452474)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Uncle_DaveO

The synagoge and the Catholic church stood just across the street from each other. The two congregations had fine relations, except there was a good deal of rivalry. If the parish planted a hedge around the church, the Jewish community painted the synagogue, so the parish put a new roof on the church, so.... (and on and on).

It was the priest's birthday. The parish chipped together to buy the priest a new Buick to go around and visit the poor and sick. So it wouldn't be lost on their friends across the street, they had a ceremony on the front lawn, and christened the car with holy water.

Indeed, the occasion was not lost on the Jewish community. Luckily it was soon the rabbi's birthday. They bought him a Cadillac. At THEIR front-yard ceremony they cut two inches off the tailpipe!

What is privately most funny about that story to me is that it was told to me by an orthodox Jew in his wife's presence. She looked blank. She didn't get the joke, and her husband had to explain it to her!

Dave Oesterreich

30 Apr 01 - 07:07 PM (#452480)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Melani

Just for the record, re: Japanese joke--there are Jews in every country in the world. In college I had a class in comparative religions taught by Rabbi Hiroshi Okomoto--a native-born Japanese Jew. Even more fascinating, during WWII he was a chaplain in a kamimaze school.

30 Apr 01 - 07:09 PM (#452482)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST

Q: Why are most Jewish jokes derogatory? My non-Jewish spouse noted, I think correctly, that they often reflect some of the worst stereotypes about Jews (self-serving, in particular). Some characterizations are clownish, and Jews laugh heartily on hearing them.

A: There are several Jewish joke books currently popular which deal with this issue in their introductions. Basically, some of the derogatory jokes in the world of Jewish humor are self-deprecating as a means of dealing with the bitter cruelty of Jewish existence throughout the past centuries until relatively recent times. In other words, it was rage and anger at the outside world turned inward--but purely for internal consumption.

The existence of down-right offensive, anti-semitic jokes, however, stems from bigots and racists who use humor as a means of trying to elicit sympathy for their disgusting views and try to make such bigoted ideas acceptable and even popular by claiming, "it is only a joke."

Many Jews also tend to laugh at such jokes (both kinds) because the overwhelming majority of American Jews are assimilated, ignorant of the Jewish tradition, and have no authentic sense of their own identity. Therefore, this kind of laughter can be seen as either an attempt by these Jews to distance themselves from their own tradition due to their own native sense of alienation, or as an attempt to "fit in" to the larger society and they think that self-deprecation is the means of doing so. Or perhaps, sadly enough, because these Jews are so Jewishly uneducated that they accept the reality of the Jewish stereotypes in the jokes!

Rabbi Daniel Kohn

30 Apr 01 - 07:11 PM (#452484)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: mousethief

A true story: my wife, while in college, was going out during December with a bunch of buddies to get something to eat. One of the women in the car, who was Jewish, as they passed someone's lawn with a manger scene, piped up, "Great, now that I've got a bunch of Goyim in the car, I can finally ask this question that's been bugging me a long time. I always see these manger scenes that are supposed to represent the scene when Jesus was born, right? What I want to know is, there's always camels, and maybe sheep, and a cow or two, but there's never any pigs. Why aren't there any pigs?"

Which just goes to show, I guess, that blondeness really isn't about hair color or ethnicity at all.

Alex
the real Mousethief
accept no substitutes

30 Apr 01 - 08:04 PM (#452517)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bill D

A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!

30 Apr 01 - 08:08 PM (#452520)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bill D

Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity?

A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!

(hmm....wonder why no one is laughing?)

30 Apr 01 - 08:20 PM (#452526)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST

No one is laughing because your racist humor is not funny.

30 Apr 01 - 08:30 PM (#452532)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,Well it is not supposed to be serious!

The list of comics should contain the Marx brothers.

The remarks about sensitivity are made by people who do not have a sense of humor -Sie gornisht helfen- for them, pity.

The English people are not all in fancy houses and spilling money out of their pockets, I used have friends of many different religions, anyway in England we never mentioned it, we hung out together and laughed a lot. So what Cranky is doing is not new to me it is only different by being on the net.

If I wanted a new friend I could not find a better one than Cranky :)

Rabbai, must we be so narrow thinking not to see the happy side of things?

30 Apr 01 - 09:40 PM (#452548)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,Sailor DAn

After I read this post and laughed myself silly I came across a post that changed the entire complexion of the thread. But so be it, everyone has an opinion. IT is to bad that people cant see beyond the tips of their noses even with glasses on.

Laughter is a great medicine, and everyone of these jokes I have heard in thirty different ways about 650 different nationalities. Every joke is told to bring a smile, a chuckle or a laugh to someone. Maybe as it was pointed out, some jokes were made originally to hide certain barbed digs at a group. But here on the cat I feel they were in good fun, Its too bad that things just couldnt be taken that way without people looking for hidden meanings or slights at an ethnic group.

I am on my high horse tonight, if you want to know about what kind of a person I am, and what my makeup is read another post I made to the American National ANthem thread.

Have a great day and remember, If you can laugh at yourself with others and about others with them, it sure lifts the weights of the world.

Dan

30 Apr 01 - 10:53 PM (#452575)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Ebbie

Let me suggest that a Mudcatter begin a new thread, entitled 'Non-Offensive Black Jokes'. Does that sound different? If no one is leery at the thought of such a thread, then perhaps I'm wrong about this one.

Ebbie

30 Apr 01 - 11:53 PM (#452614)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Ferrara

Well, I too found that once we got into the thread, a lot of the jokes felt offensive to me. But there others that seemed darned funny and not at all derogatory or offensive. Some are "in jokes," depending on factors specific to Judaism and/or Jews; some are just enjoyable jokes.

For example, I found myself LOL at Pseudolus' story of the 80 year old man in the confessional. To me it's a great story. Period. Also the story that ended, "He KNOWS he's Jesus Christ. He THINKS he's Arnold Palmer." This to me is very funny.

Nobody will pay any attention to this, of course, but I suggest that anyone who wants to add more jokes should re-read them at least three times first to decide whether they are a subtle [or not-so-subtle] put-down.

Humor can be a trap, you get used to ethnic jokes and don't see the problems they can cause. I once looked at sheet music of about a dozen "ethnic" American songs of the 19th century. Most of them were horribly offensive. Almost unbelievable from today's perspective.

01 May 01 - 12:14 AM (#452624)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: mousethief

Okay, is this offensive or not?

Q: What do you call a movie about an African American who invents a time machine?

A: Black to the Future.

(I mean, I know it's a stupid joke, but is it offensive?)

Alex

01 May 01 - 12:14 AM (#452625)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Shula

Dear Folks,

Um! Um! Um! Jes' what in taw'nation hev ya'll gone 'n got y'seves inta wi' dissun heah? Cain't but leave home fo''while 'n' th' whole mess'n ya gits t' squabblin' 'mongst y'seves lak six-seb'n ducks wi' but one egg b'twixt 'em. Time t' fiddle a diff'unt choon, sez Ah.

Ha' 'bout we stot up a new thread? Ah recollecks a tale-a-two ya'll might like... What'ch'all thenk? Eb'bah-dy wawna heah a nahce ('n' Ah *do* mean *nahce*) Eye-talian-Veet'namese-Chuwish-A-murc'n, cross-y'hawt'n'hope't'dah, *chroo* staw-ry?

Shalom,

Shula

01 May 01 - 12:46 AM (#452650)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bert

HEY Shula me luv! How the hell are you doing? Hope your health is fine now.

True story, I know I've told this before but nevermind, here goes again...I have this friend of Scottish extraction who converted to Judaism. He speaks both Gaelic and Hebrew. Well he ended up having an operation for congestive heart failure and took great delight in the fact that they replaced one of the valves in his heart with one from a pig.

Bert.

01 May 01 - 02:05 AM (#452670)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Ebbie

Mousethief, I for one don't think that is offensive- it's unexpected and gave me a chuckle. Same as with two of Justa Picker's jokes- those were not 'Jewish' jokes, they were a bittersweet commentary on the human condition, ethnicity irrelevant. I like a laugh just as well as the next one- I just don't want to have to look over my shoulder to see if someone is listening. I don't want to see a stricken look that I helped put there on someone's face.

There's the question in another thread about what gets your knickers in a twist. One of mine- and it's a deadly serious one- is having someone say something like, Is anyone here Catholic/Jewish/vegetarian/a lawyer? If not, I've got a great joke...

I despise it. If you know it's offensive why on earth is it necessary to relate it? If it's such a great joke, turn it inside out and tell it on yourself. You get some great mileage out of that. Besides, it's creative in a way that parroting someone else's meannessess can never be.

Ebbie

01 May 01 - 02:20 AM (#452671)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,kluthr

A Jewish grandmother is taking her grandson for a walk on the beach, when suddenly a freak wave comes out of nowhere and washes the boy away. The old woman looks to the sky and says "Please God- it's too much. That boy is all I have left in the world. Don't take him from me!" Just then another freak wave comes up and deposits the boy safe and sound by her side. She sweeps him up with tears on her face and shouts "Thank you, thank you, I..." and stops, takes a closer look at her grandson, and says "He had a hat!"

01 May 01 - 03:28 AM (#452674)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: CRANKY YANKEE

Ebbie

You want a "Black Joke"? well here's one, but first,
In my hometown there are a lot of Black and mixed families. The live all over town. Most are not descended from slaves. Their ancestors were free African sailors who settled here by choice. Amongst "windbag" sailors, there's only one criterion for judging a person's worth. "Can I trust him (or her) to do the right thing when our lives are at stake"? If the answer is, "yes" then nothing else matters, especially what a person looks like. None of my jokes, indeed none of the others, involve what a person looks like.

I must exclude my Jewish friends from the following paragraph for reasons that will become obvious. All my friends pretty much share the same customs, religion (I'm Episcopal) language holidays, etc. We hang out in the same places, do the same kind of work, live in the same kind of houses and in the same neighborhoods. Bigotry is something we've heard about but, for the most part, haven't experienced except when away from our homes. So what is there to make jokes about?
But, and half my ancestry is Jewish, (on my dad's side) there are differences here in religion, language, customs, "Kosher", "Mohel's", etc etc, that CAN be fodder for humor without being condescending or insulting or stereotyping. The Japanese Joke is a scream. Oh, did you know that the Japanese Government, officially, looked into the possibility of rescuing Jews from their allies? And would have gotten involved in that project had they not made the mistake of "Pearl Harbor". Anyway, here's a "Black Joke"

A Priest is crossing an unpaved stree in Biloxi, Mississippi when he slipped on and fell into a mud puddle, A Black man, passing by, stops to help him to his feet and uses his handkerchief in an attempt to clean off some of the mud. "Thank you" said the Priest, and then asked "Are you Catholic?" " OH NO! Father", he replied, " I've got enough trouble being a..........."

You could tell that story to any of my Black Friend, and get a laugh. You could even use the"N" word without causing ..., well, maybe I could, because they do know that bigots exists in most of our country. but they also are damned sure that I'm not one of them.

And I do know another "Black Joke" that is also a Jewish Joke, notice that I'm not preying on any unsavory characteristics. And, as you'll see, the principal character in this joke is anything BUT a biggot.

This would be a lot funnier if I could've taken you by surprise, but I guess I've already ruined that possibilty to make a point.

A son just told his mother that he's getting married, but that his intended is not Jewish. (Most mothers who are devout members of any congregation would be upset) His mother tries to talk him out of it. Finally she says, "Some day, far into the future you'll get into an argument and she'l say, 'JEW, JEW, JEW'". "Then what will you do?", and the son replies, "I'll say, 'CHINK, CHINK, CHINK'" (or whatever)

You see?", "Ebbie" Humor can certainly be based on differences without preying on unsavory stereotypes.

I not only would never take advantage of another person because of inherent differences, and, neither would I stand idly by and allow anyone else to.

These two jokes ARE funny.

01 May 01 - 03:37 AM (#452678)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: English Jon

Lama ragashu goyim, seems to apply equally to the frum here too.

Ergo: Humour based on the human condition...

David's Bar mitzvah. Whole family gathered together. Everyone happy, except old uncle Issaac.

"Issac, what's the matter"

"Nobody cares about the Jews"

"Issac, what's brought this on? you've got your whole family here. At least cheer up for the boy!"

"Nobody cares...you know, during the war, the Germans murdered 6 million Jews, 4 million poles, 2 million communists and 28 postmen."

"28 Postmen?"

"you see. Nobody cares about the Jews!"

01 May 01 - 04:14 AM (#452690)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: CarolC

Here's what I wonder. I wonder with what sort of response this thread would have been met had it been started by someone who could not claim Jewish ancestry.

I think the answer to that question would tell us whether or not a thread like this one is a good idea.

Carol

01 May 01 - 04:34 AM (#452694)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Boab

The Minister , the Priest and the Rabbi were comparing notes about how they dealt with the Sunday morning "offertory" [for absolute atheists---the cash collection]. The Minister says,"I draw a six inch circle on the ground, throw the coins and notes in the air, and keep what lands in the circle for myself, giving all the remainder to the Lord". The Priest had a variation on the same idea, only when the cash fell back to the ground , he claimed all the cash OUTSIDE the circle, leaving the Lord with what stayed inside. " I do it differently" said the Rabbi, " I throw all the cash up, and what the Lord wants, he catches---the rest is mine!"

01 May 01 - 11:07 AM (#452883)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: mousethief

Cranky Yankee, couldn't your joke #1 be considered offensive to Catholics? I'm not one but it seems it is really a slam on Catholics, not blacks/whatever.

Alex

01 May 01 - 11:20 AM (#452895)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Gary T

Alex, I saw that joke as spearing Mississipians, not Catholics or blacks. The point is that non-WASPS are (were?) not well-received in the deep south.

01 May 01 - 11:22 AM (#452900)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: mousethief

Knowing that, Gary, I now see the point. But before you said that, it just seemed like a slam against Catholics.

Which maybe says something about the whole ethnic joke phenomenon we all should consider?

Alex

01 May 01 - 11:27 AM (#452909)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Gary T

Alex--yep.

01 May 01 - 11:44 AM (#452933)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Peter T.

I think this thread and the others are a mistake, and inevitably lead to hurt feelings, bad manners, and anger. Justifying it under the notion that humour is somehow a universal healer and we should all be tolerant is perhaps true theoretically, but not in this circumstance. This is the Internet, not your living room, or a small group of your buddies getting together, whatever the ethnic group, and however O.K. it is when you and your group are together. It will be taken badly here. We have no control or ability to signal as a community when people have gone over the line. It amounts to what we used to call "coat trailing". It is not censorship if people have the good grace not to get started in what inevitably will cause grief around here.

yours, Peter T.

01 May 01 - 12:21 PM (#452967)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Ferrara

If anyone is reading this thread who hasn't checked out Shula's ethic-groups story in her "Melting Pot Muddles" thread, her True story is an absolute delight and what I would definitely call non-irritating....not to say ... forgive me, Shula, if this sounds too sappy ... heartwarming. Worth checking out.

01 May 01 - 01:20 PM (#453020)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: RichM

Once you enter a discussion, you validate it--not the premise, the discussion.
If you don't approve, don't post! That's the quickest way to kill a thread....

If you really want to distress yourself, read some of the social newsgroups that discuss conflicts between Arab/Israeli, Indonesian/Timorese, North/South Ireland, India/Pakistan...the list is endless.
Personally, I was more upset by the Mississippi state flag thread....

Rich McCarthy

02 May 01 - 03:40 PM (#454074)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,Pat Buchanan

Jews voting for me in Miami. That was a pretty funny joke.

02 May 01 - 11:21 PM (#454426)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST

What does a JAP make for dinner?

Reservations.

03 May 01 - 11:37 PM (#455370)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST,I WOULDN'T TAKE YOUR DAMN COOKIE

I'm a guest because I won't allow my computer to take cookies from a site filled with such anti-Semitic and racist shit as I see on this thread and the Black jokes thread.

The perpetrators of this crap should be ashamed of themselves.

Too few other Mudcats stood up and objected. Those who kept silent should also be ashamed.

04 May 01 - 04:04 AM (#455524)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: CRANKY YANKEE

I'm fed up with this whole thing. Read, "Baseball and Basketball"please, Mr.(or Ms) "I wouldn't take your Dam Cookie".
or (I was going to say, "Go Piss up a rope", but I won't)

04 May 01 - 04:38 AM (#455541)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: CRANKY YANKEE

I'm fed up with this whole thing. Read, "Baseball and Basketball"please, Mr.(or Ms) "I wouldn't take your Dam Cookie".
or (I was going to say, "Go Piss up a rope", but I won't)

04 May 01 - 03:27 PM (#455952)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: GUEST

Cranky Yankee, at 4:38 A.M. you should be sleeping. Staying up all night makes you a might cranky.

04 May 01 - 10:24 PM (#456227)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bluebelle

Dear GUEST,I WOULDN'T TAKE YOUR DAMN COOKIE:

I agree with you wholeheartedly about those who remain silent. The world remained silent during The Holocaust and that is what most do when a thread of this type is started. It must, therefore, be an inherent character trait in many people.

There was a time, pre-1999, when threads of this nature would never have been started. I certainly would not direct blame at those who rally against it, as some do by saying "just don't respond" or "if you don't like the thread, click on the Back button," as if the person who is offended should carry the burden. To those of you who did voice your concern or outrage, thank you for putting yourselves "on the line," as it were.

04 May 01 - 11:07 PM (#456245)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: CarolC

I hope those of you who are offended by the jokes in this thread as well as those who are upset that some people didn't register disapproval of it can put yourselves in the shoes of those of us who cannot claim any Jewish ancestry for just one moment.

This thread was started by someone who can claim Jewish ancestry. That puts the those of us who can't in a very confusing situation. Some people see it as permission to go along with what was started by someone who supposedly knows what's acceptable and what isn't, to people of Jewish ancestry.

At the same time, it's a bit difficult for those of us who don't have Jewish ancestry to tell someone who does, what is appropriate and what isn't for their own ethnic or religious group. That would be a bit patronizing, wouldn't it?

Have a little compassion for those of us who want to do what is right, but who have been put in the middle of what is essentially, a controversy between people of the same ethnic group.

Here's what I posted earlier in this thread. I think it's a good question and deserves an answer. It's the closest I could come to expressing the concern I had about this thread without being patronizing to someone who has a better right than I have to decide what is and is not offensive to Jews.

Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: CarolC
Date: 01-May-01 - 04:14 AM

Here's what I wonder. I wonder with what sort of response this thread would have been met had it been started by someone who could not claim Jewish ancestry.

I think the answer to that question would tell us whether or not a thread like this one is a good idea.

04 May 01 - 11:29 PM (#456252)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: Bluebelle

Whether you are Jewish, or African-American, or Polish, or whatever, should have no bearing on whether you find this thread offensive. Furthermore, please do not think that just because the person starting the thread claims Jewish ancestry, and some Jews even post to it, all other Jews are "okay" with the content. Bigotry is bigotry, anyway you slice it and prefacing it with "non-irritating" does not make it okay.

04 May 01 - 11:35 PM (#456254)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: CarolC

You misunderstand my meaning. I found this thread disturbing. I did not post any jokes to it. I would not have considered doing so. I registered my concern.

However, it is unfair to put those of us who are not Jewish in the middle of what boils down to a squabble between people of the same group. Fight it out amongst yourselves and then tell the rest of us what kind of behavior you agree is appropriate. Until then, don't blame people for getting confused from time to time.

05 May 01 - 03:40 AM (#456334)
Subject: RE: NON IRRITATING JEWISH JOKES
From: ToneDeafDave

Would the folks writing to this thread try to use the formulation "I find this offensive" rather than "This is offensive". The latter indicates either that the writer knows the views of the majority on the subject, or that there is some absolute and unchanging scale of offensiveness to which the writer has access, and of which others (no doubt members of some benighted minority not gifted with the writer's intellectual and moral superiority) are not aware.

The same applies to other words than 'offensive', of course, e.g. 'bigotry'.

I think the above will lead to a more rational view of the subject.

As a child, I was given 'The Book of Jewish Folklore'. A huge percentage of it was Jewish jokes. I still tell some of them. Some of them are in-jokes which a Jew would tell in a context where the teller could rely on a common cultural heritage with his audience (Shortest possible example - "Why is it, when you ask a Jew a question, he answers with another question?" "Nu, why shouldn't he answer with another question?"). Like the jokes and folklore of any culture, they helped me as a child to identify the elements of the culture of which I was a part.

I believe some Jewish jokes are, in fact, Jewish Folklore, even if some Jewish jokes are rubbish. I really don't know if other socio-ethnic communities have the same situation. Is it unique that Jews tell Jewish Jokes? I know Catholics who tell Catholic jokes but there my knowledge stops...

So, should Jews not tell Jewish jokes to each other? Should Jews not tell Jewish jokes to non-Jews? If they do, should non-Jews not repeat the jokes? Ah, but what if the non-Jews invent their own Jewish jokes? Does that mean the Jew shouldn't tell their own jokes?

You should excuse the expression (and I think it an extremely offensive one myself, but I can't resist it in the context, though no doubt I will be flamed for it) this tends to 'goyische kopf'.

Changing the subject a little - was this thread a mistake? Even though I was offended both by some of the jokes and by some of the opinions, anything that gets people thinking and gets their opinions out in the open is probably good.

And just maybe, offensive or not, some of the jokes were funny?