BS: Best comedy lines

11 Nov 01 - 10:41 PM (#590559)
Subject: Best comedy lines
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull

Here's one to start you off= I'm Brian and so is my wife (Monty Pythons Life of Brian)

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11 Nov 01 - 10:54 PM (#590569)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bill D

Jack Benny show: a robber steps out of an alley

robber-"Your money or your life!"
Jack...silence..
robber-"I said, your money or your life!!!" long pause....then,
Jack.."I'm thinking!"

(timing!)

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12 Nov 01 - 01:45 AM (#590624)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: catspaw49

BLAZING SADDLES: Hedley LeMar's huge band of henchman are riding across the an open plain when they are stopped by a gated toll booth. Instead of simply going around, they all stop. Slim Pickens, the leader, says, "Somebody's going to have to go back and get a shitload of dimes."

BANANAS: Howard Cosell, unscripted and done only as Howard could, provides commentary on the assasination of a South American dictator, including interviewing the dying despot. Cosell at his best, parodying himself.

Lots more.........

Spaw

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12 Nov 01 - 01:59 AM (#590629)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Liz the Squeak

Four candles. No, 'andles for forks.... and the whole of that sketch from the Two Ronnies.... ah, bliss.

'He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!' from 'Life of Brian' too.

LTS

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12 Nov 01 - 02:38 AM (#590638)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: alison

"werewolves?".... "there wolves"

plus many many more from "Young Frankenstein" (or is that Fronkensteen????

"you're a god-damned vampire... just you wait 'til I tell Mom!!"................. "the Lost boys"

slainte

alison

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12 Nov 01 - 03:47 AM (#590648)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,Stavanger Bill

About half a light year ago there were two comedians, Jimmy Jewell and Ben Waris. One of their one-liners went as follows.

Two friends meet in the street Question: "Hows the wife?" Response: "Compared to what?"

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12 Nov 01 - 04:11 AM (#590652)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Dave the Gnome

Kenneth Williams in Carry on Cleo.

"Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!"

DtG

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12 Nov 01 - 05:35 AM (#590661)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Scabby Douglas

"A pint?! ... Tha's very nearly an armful!"... "It is are not raining here also!"

Galton & Simpson via Tony Hancock

Cheers

Steven

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12 Nov 01 - 07:14 AM (#590694)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,MC Fat

Mae West on seeing a rather tall and handsome young man. MAE WEST - My you're a big boy !!; YOUNG MAM - Well I'm six foot nine inches mam MAE WEST - Let's forget about the six foot and just talk about the nine inches !!

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12 Nov 01 - 07:15 AM (#590695)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Murray MacLeod

Detective Sergeant Spike Mulligan: "Look Sir, an impression of a heel !"

Det. Insp. Peter Sellers: "Very clever I'm sure, but we've no time for your impressions right now"

Murray

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12 Nov 01 - 07:37 AM (#590703)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Mr Red

The Lady's not for turning
all to gether.........
OH YES SHE IS......... (on a spit)

Think Thatcher....
No thanks........ I had to once.

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12 Nov 01 - 09:04 AM (#590735)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Peter T.

MAN IN RAILWAY CARRIAGE HARASSED BY BEATLES: "I fought the war for your sort!"
JOHN: "Bet you're sorry you won."

yours, Peter T.

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12 Nov 01 - 11:28 AM (#590828)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,Sledge

From the goon show: Phantom rasberry blower of old London town.

"loud rasberry noise"

Colonel bloodnock says "you can't do that and get away with it"

"another loud rasberry noise"

Colonel Bloodnock "he got away with it"

Sledge

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12 Nov 01 - 12:18 PM (#590862)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Lepus Rex

From 'A Fish Called Wanda:'

Wanda (to Otto):Let me correct you on a few things. Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not "Every Man for Himself". And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes Otto. I looked 'em up.

---Lepus Rex

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12 Nov 01 - 12:34 PM (#590871)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: MarkS

A long defunct comedy show called "Mothers Little Network"
They did a knockoff of the shower scene from "Psycho."

Did a frame by frame copy. And at the last moment, the actress in the shower pulls open the shower curtain, screams, and gets hit in the face with a pie.

Guess you had to see it, but I was on the floor.
Mark

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12 Nov 01 - 03:40 PM (#591011)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Kim C

This is not a line, but one of the funniest things I have ever seen on television. It was on Frasier, a show I only watch once in awhile.

Frasier was working on the garbage disposal in the sink. He told his dad and Niles to stand far away from the switch. "Just get AWAY from the switch," he told them.

While Frasier had his hand down the drain, Niles turned on the coffee grinder...

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12 Nov 01 - 05:00 PM (#591070)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,Nick

From Get Smart Max and Siegfreid in a Kaos submarine with Kaos henchmen holding machine guns on Max. "I'll give each of you $10,000 if you help me aresst Sigfried" and the Guns are turned on Sigfreid who counters with a $20,00 offer Guns turn to Max, the bidding and guns go back and fourth till Sigfried warns "Boys if you keep this up you cant come to the Kaos picnic. Max offers $ 1 Mil but the guns remain on him.. " What can I say Schmart?..., zee boys LOVE picnics!"

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12 Nov 01 - 05:25 PM (#591097)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: SharonA

From a Steve Martin live comedy-routine album (speaking to audience): "I don't neeeeed yooooou! I can do this act ALONE! I often do."

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12 Nov 01 - 06:07 PM (#591137)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Jack the Sailor

Pretty much everything Brad Pitt says in "Snatch".

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12 Nov 01 - 07:06 PM (#591183)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Midchuck

Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein are all-time classics, but before either of them there was The Great Race. Most of you probably don't remember. Too bad for you....

Leslie escaped with a small friar!

Leslie escaped with a CHICKEN?!

I have a boat waiting! (Spoken by the evil baron whom Leslie is defeating in a saber duel. The Baron then throws his saber at Leslie and does a beautiful dive out the high window of the castle - landing right in the middle of the rowboat that is waiting for him, and sinking it.)

Brandy! Ha HA! Throw more brandy! (The Mad Prince, in the middle of the great pie fight.)

I HATE YOU! YOU, I HATE! ...and your suit is always white and your car is always clean...! (Professor Fate, upon realizing that Leslie really won after all.)

And, especially...PUSH THE BUTTON, MAX! (Professor Fate, many times in the movie. Each time, as soon as Max does so, the Professor's latest device self-destructs violently.)

Peter.

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12 Nov 01 - 07:37 PM (#591206)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Jon Freeman

"I shot an arrow in the air... She fell to earth in Berkley Square"

From "Kind Hearts And Coronets".

Jon

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13 Nov 01 - 04:20 AM (#591428)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Trevor

Not a line exactly, but I once read that when 'Shaft' was given Spanish sub-titles, a line which should have said '...well you can kiss my black ass' was translated as '...well you can kiss my black donkey'!

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13 Nov 01 - 10:26 AM (#591554)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Jim Dixon

Benny Hill (in character): " . . . and I come from a long line of male witches."
Interviewer: "Warlocks."
Benny: "It's the truth!"

(As an American, I was rather proud that I understood that one.)

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13 Nov 01 - 11:12 AM (#591588)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,jack

From a Bugs Bunny cartoon: Bugs(Dressed in drag, as he was wont to do from time to time)says to an overworked shoe salesman:"I'd like to see something nice in a bedroom slipper!"

Salesman:"So would I Lady!"

or

Pepe L'pew(sp?)after chasing around a cat w/a paint stripe for the entire cartoon leans up close and wearing a Napoleonic uniform complete w/hat simply says... "Josephine!!"

or

My own son age 16 as we were driving along and discussing the changing state of our relationship as he was beginning to mature. I'm a non-custodial parent.

Me:"So, now that you're graduating soon how would you rate my overall parenting skills now that you've got some perspective?" Son:"Well, I 'do' brush my teeth every night before bed and 'always' wear my seat belt." You were loose about most stuff, but things like that you were, like totally anal." Me:"Anal in a bad way?" Son:"Oh, no! You were like totally my Dad, totally responsible and gave me the business at the right time about the right stuff in totally the right way, but most of the time and I mean this in a good way...you were like my 25 year old loser brother that wouldn't move out or get a job!"

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13 Nov 01 - 11:45 AM (#591622)
Subject: Best comedy??
From: Clinton Hammond

George Carlin... all of it... same with Dennis Leary, and Billy Connolly... Plus a lot of what Dennis Miller USED to do before he got his own lousy show...

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13 Nov 01 - 11:56 AM (#591635)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Raptor

"I once caddied for the Dali Lama I said ""hey Lama something for the trouble"" He didn't tip me but he gave me everlasting life So I got that going for me,... Which is nice." Bill Murry Caddyshack

Raptor

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13 Nov 01 - 02:55 PM (#591768)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: RangerSteve

Mae West attempted a come-back movie in the 70's that no one saw called "Sextet". I saw the first half-hour on TV, long enough to hear the best/worst line ever: I'm the girl who hangs around Paramount all day and Fox all night."

From the Burns and Allen TV show: A friends 17 year old daughter is staying at their house and George is worried about the girl going out on a date with no supervision. He wonders why Gracie isn't worried. Gracie: Oh, George, when I was her age I was 17 too.

(and everything else Gracie said).

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15 Nov 01 - 09:20 AM (#593141)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Steve Latimer

From you bet your life.

Groucho: How old are you young lady?

Giggly woman Contestant: I'm aprroaching forty.

Groucho, full eyebows: From which direction?

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15 Nov 01 - 11:16 AM (#593265)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bill D

...and the line that got Groucho bleeped off the air in the days of live TV!....

A male guest on the program admitted to having something like 14 children....

Groucho replied something like..

" Fourteen kids? I smoke my cigar a lot, but I put it out now & then!"

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15 Nov 01 - 11:27 AM (#593276)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Steve Latimer

Groucho was probably the quickest wit in the history of comedy.

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15 Nov 01 - 07:00 PM (#593632)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Banjer

Just about anything from the Carol Burnette Show is funny. When Tim Conway would ad-lib and crack up Harvey Korman I used to laugh til I cried. Also the spinoff, Mamma's Family when Vickie Lawrence (Mamma) used to get onto Carol Burnette's character with her trademark 'For God's sake, Eunice......'. I especially remember the one show where they were sitting in the parlor playing the board game known as Sorry. Eunice was so happy until she started losing and then all hell broke loose.

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15 Nov 01 - 07:19 PM (#593652)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: radriano

I believe Groucho Marx was interviewing a woman who had 14 children. And Groucho's comment was more like:

"Fourteen kids? I like my cigar a lot too but I take it out every now and then."

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16 Nov 01 - 12:54 PM (#594079)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,colwyn dane

The following dialogue is from 'The Man Who Came To Dinner'

Nurse Treen: "You shouldn't eat chocolates in your condition, Mr Whiteside it's very bad for you."

Sheridan Whiteside: "I had an aunt who ate a box of chocolates every day of her life.
She lived to be a hundred and two, and when she had been dead three days,
she looked healthier than you do now."

Nurse Treen: "I am not only walking out on this case, Mr Whitside,I am leaving the nursing profession.
I became a nurse because all my life, ever since I was a little girl, I was filled with the
idea of serving a suffering humanity. After one month with you Mr Whiteside, I am going to work
in a munitions factory. From now on,anything I can do to help exterminate the human race will fill
me with the greatest of pleasure. If Florence Nightingale had ever nursed YOU, Mr Whiteside,
she would have married Jack the Ripper instead of founding the Red Cross!"

CD.

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16 Nov 01 - 05:07 PM (#594255)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: VoxFox

From the movie "Caddy Shack", Rodney Dangerfield's comment as he is standing around at the pool party, "Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it!" I still kill myself laughing over that line because I think about it every time I see a sourpuss look from some people. VF

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16 Nov 01 - 07:46 PM (#594338)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,Leprechaun

Jethro Bodine, Jed Clampett's nephew on the Beverly Hillbillies, was showing off his homework to somebody who commented, "This looks like it was written by a fifth grader!"

Jethro: "Thankyee!"

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16 Nov 01 - 08:06 PM (#594373)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,colwyn dane

One from 'Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein':

Lon Chaney Jr:"You don't understand...every night when the moon is full,
I turn into a wolf."

Lou Costello: "You and fifty million other guys!"

CD.

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23 Jan 02 - 07:02 PM (#634117)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull

German officer="whats your name soldier?"
Capt Manering ="Don't tell him Pike!"
(Dads Army)

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23 Jan 02 - 07:11 PM (#634122)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: gnu

From "Never Cry Wolf"... "He says... good idea."

The most famous ? "I'll be back." From... you know.

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23 Jan 02 - 08:25 PM (#634166)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Paul from Hull

Oh bugger....sorry about that....I'm an idiot

Well, go HERE..its easier!

http://www.graphicszone.net/monty_python/scripts/Holy_Grail/Scene3.htm

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23 Jan 02 - 08:51 PM (#634178)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull

There's a man at the door with a moustache"
"Tell him I've already got one"
Marx brothers.

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23 Jan 02 - 09:11 PM (#634192)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: van lingle

This exchange on "America Tonight":
Martin Mull (to Tom Waits): Well that's the first time we've had a guest come out and just place a bottle of Whiskey in front of himself."
Waits: "Well, I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

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23 Jan 02 - 10:14 PM (#634236)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,ylime

almost everything from the movie Airplane!

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23 Jan 02 - 10:27 PM (#634249)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: SINSULL

Stop calling me Shirley!

Flip Wilson as Geraldine to Christopher Columbus:
"Christopher Columbus, are you going to America to discover Ray Charles?"

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24 Jan 02 - 02:11 AM (#634388)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: musicmick

Oscar Levant said to an unwelcome admirer, "I'd like to memorize your name and throw my head away!"

Robin Williams, improvising a riff, refered to something being as useful as a Nerf dildo.

Funniest routine of all time was Bob and Ray's interview with the president of the S.T.O.A. ( The Slow Talkers of America)

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24 Jan 02 - 06:55 PM (#634958)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,Wayne

Jimmy Durante is lying on the ground moaning, having been thrown from his car. Surrounded by Milton Berle, Sid Cesaer, Buddy Hackett, Mickey Rooney and Jonathon Winters, his leg suddenly straigntens and strikes a pail which then rolls down the hillside. Jonathon Winters says "that man is dead!" From the movie "Its a Mad, Mad, Mad World"

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25 Jan 02 - 12:14 PM (#635320)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Don Firth

From the movie When Harry met Sally: "I'll have what she's having."

Don Firth

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25 Jan 02 - 12:24 PM (#635328)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,john in hull

Are you local?
(The League of Gentlemen) (UK sketch show)

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22 Nov 02 - 10:09 PM (#833153)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST

thot yo hud last wud

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23 Nov 02 - 01:27 AM (#833245)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bert

From 'allo 'allo.

"There's a woman here with a gun"

"Has she got a pram?"

And also from Carry on Cleo. "She's from Bristoleum"

Hey Spaw. That reminds me of a time when I was in Iran during the revolution. I was driving home at about 11:30 (way past the military curfew) and I came up to a road block. The rebels had piled tyres and logs across the road and set them on fire. I just drove around over the desert and waved to them as I went by. If they had built their road block half a mile up the road on the Karun River bridge, no one would have got past.

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23 Nov 02 - 01:37 AM (#833249)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bert

Oh, and from "Take it from here"

XXXVI
XXVI
XXXV Eye, Eye, EYE!!!

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23 Nov 02 - 01:54 AM (#833255)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bassic

"10 O`clock, cafe Mozart!" (Carry on parody of all the spy movies, 3rd man onwards.)




"Which F***ing cafe Mozart!" (Anyone who has ever visited Saltzberg)

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23 Nov 02 - 01:54 AM (#833256)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Art Thieme

Dizzy Dean, broadcasting a baseball game in St. Louis in the 1950s, had the camera stay on a couple making out passionately in the stands.

Off the top of his head, old Diz said, "Folks, I finally figured out their system. He kisses her on the strikes, and she kisses him on the balls !!!"

I just about died laughing!!!!!!!!!!

MIDCHUCK, that line you mentioned in the film THE GREAT RACE about the "fria(e)r" and the chicken made me fall off my chair I was laughing so hard. To this day, I wait for it whenever I see that flick. And these days that means I fall out of my wheelchair---and Carol has to go and get at least two more people to help me get up off the floor. ;-)

Art Thieme

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23 Nov 02 - 01:56 AM (#833258)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bassic

Que! (Manuel de Barcelona!)

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23 Nov 02 - 01:58 AM (#833259)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bassic

Sorry, should have been "Que?"

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23 Nov 02 - 01:59 AM (#833261)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bassic

A classic line from "Flowery Twats"

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23 Nov 02 - 02:03 AM (#833262)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bassic

"Stormy Petrol on a stick!", "Gannet Ripple!" (MP)

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23 Nov 02 - 02:06 AM (#833264)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bassic

"Hi Di Hi" (Gladys Pugh) ((UK only unless you watch really really late nite TV in the US))

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23 Nov 02 - 02:10 AM (#833265)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bassic

" A waffer thin mint?"...................... "F**K off I`m full" KEERRRRSPPPPLAAATTTTT (MPFC again)

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23 Nov 02 - 05:20 PM (#833457)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST

Madeline Kahn plays a Teutonic titwillow in Blazing Saddles. She is performing in a dance hall and sees a cowboy with his hat on his lap:
"Hello, handsome, is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?"

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23 Nov 02 - 05:56 PM (#833480)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,Peter T.

I was wrong, it was Ringo, surprisingly. yours, Peter T.

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23 Nov 02 - 06:13 PM (#833488)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Bill D

"ummm...Lord...what's a cubit?" Bill Cosby

also.. "Noah, how long can you tread water?"

and one of my favorites...George Gobel is commenting on the prediction of the National Safety Council about how many people will die on Labor Day weekend...(they don't do this anymore)

"Well, the prediction is that 374 people will die in traffic accidents between Friday noon and Sunday midnight. It is now Saturday night and 127 have died"............long pause, then looking into the camera with furrowed brow..."....now, some of you folks just aren't trying!"

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23 Nov 02 - 06:43 PM (#833506)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Gareth

Cricket commenty on BBC radio (That rules out most US of A Catters)

The Batsmans Holding, the Bowler's Willy

Gareth

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24 Nov 02 - 03:22 PM (#834015)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,Barney McCool

Olly-What did he die off?,
Stan-He died of a Tuesday.

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24 Nov 02 - 05:56 PM (#834083)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: lady penelope

Fletcher from Porridge ( played by the glorious Ronnie Barker ) in a cell, singing whilst preparing to shave " Born free, till somebody caught me, now I'm doing solitary........."

Here, I thought the Phantom Rasberry Blower of Old London Town was the Two Ronnies. Or did they nick it from the Goons? I deffinately saw it on the telly though.

TTFN M'Lady P.

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25 Nov 02 - 12:47 AM (#834277)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Merritt

Agree that Slow Talkers of America routine is first rate.

"I'd horsewhip you, if I had a horse." – G. Marx

In Pick Panther movie -

Sellers to Blind Man: "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite."
Blind Man: "It's not my dog."

From Dagwood cartoon; excuse punctuation – Dagwood and his boss, Mr. Smithers are at an airport ticket window. "Give me two round-trip tickets!" Smithers barks at the ticket lady. "To where?" She asks. "Well, back to here, of course!" He yells, completely disgusted.

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25 Nov 02 - 11:41 AM (#834607)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: GUEST,Ordinary Average Guy

Madeline Khan (easily the funniest woman in movie history) as the mother of a pirate's kid in Yellowbeard: "Do you remember the last time we had a cuddle?"

Yellowbeard: "You mean I raped ya."

"It was a little rough."

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25 Nov 02 - 11:51 AM (#834617)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: JulieF

Eric Morcame to Andre Previn.

I'm playing all the right notes just not necessarily in the right order.

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25 Nov 02 - 01:05 PM (#834698)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Declan

From Get Smart

Max (Agent 86) to 99 : "99 I think you think you like Agent 43 better than me"
99 : "Nonsense, you're worth 2 43s, 86"

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25 Nov 02 - 02:46 PM (#834789)
Subject: RE: BS: Best comedy lines
From: Leadfingers

Almost any thing from the wonderful Les Barker.

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