Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed

27 Nov 01 - 06:56 PM (#598865)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Bernard

Overheard at the Weather Centre...

'Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear...!"

...or

At a certain stable in Bethlehem a shepherd stumbled in, banging his head on the low roof. 'Jesus!' he cried...

'How lovely! We were going to call him Fred!' replied the doting mother...

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27 Nov 01 - 06:59 PM (#598868)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Morticia

or the very long joke that ends with " Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"? I got a cartoon of Santa taking a crap down someone's chimney with the caption " When you've been VERY bad"

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27 Nov 01 - 07:53 PM (#598915)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Sorcha

"I don't care what your name is, fat man, just get those damn reindeer off my roof!" (older than dirt, I know)

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27 Nov 01 - 08:03 PM (#598923)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Banjer

The sleigh and the reindeer in their traces slung over an outhouse....sitting in the snow among his scattered bag is Santa....Santa is hollering, "Dammit, Rudolph, I said the SCHMIDT House"....

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27 Nov 01 - 08:12 PM (#598935)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: catspaw49

"Chester's nuts roasting on an open fire"....visuals obvious

Spaw

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27 Nov 01 - 08:18 PM (#598938)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Micca

There is the cartoon showing the three wise men and one has Igor(Frankensteins monster) on a a rope, and the others are sayin" We said Frankenscense you clotheared wazzock"

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27 Nov 01 - 09:04 PM (#598978)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Morticia

Not to be pedantic( but I'm going to be anyway), Igor was Frankenstein's assistant, the monster was never named.

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27 Nov 01 - 09:06 PM (#598980)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Sorcha

Thank your Morty. Saved me pointing that out. The monster was just "The Monster".

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27 Nov 01 - 10:10 PM (#599028)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mary in Kentucky

Then there's the outdoor creche, shepherds, cows, sheep and three firemen in full gear. When asked what they are doing there..."We just came from a fire (pronounced far)."

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28 Nov 01 - 12:09 AM (#599122)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Chip2447

Visualize whirled peas.
Pas on earth, gouda wheel, two men.
Chip2447

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28 Nov 01 - 01:07 AM (#599158)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,SINSULL

Full grown Jesus walking into house with snowy wind whirling behind him. Mary glares at him and says: "Jesus Christ! Shut the door! Were you born in a barn?"

I actually have this one - picked it up at a Santeria shop in the Village??????

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28 Nov 01 - 02:21 AM (#599178)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mark Clark

A	B	C	D	E
F	G	H	I	J
K	M	N	O	P
Q	R	S	T	U
V	W	X	Y	Z

      - Mark

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28 Nov 01 - 04:54 AM (#599201)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Banjer

Mark, that's wonderful. It took a few moments of study to figure out the message! I love it....

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28 Nov 01 - 05:28 AM (#599214)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: gnu

Excellent Mark. I like the one with the reindeer on the front of the card looking embarassed because of breaking wind and the caption reading, "Do you hear what I hear...".

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28 Nov 01 - 06:34 AM (#599231)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,micca at work

Many thanks to Morticia and Sorcha, You can always catch pedants, you just have to use the right bait and they can not resist!!!! Resistance is useless!!!

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28 Nov 01 - 06:58 AM (#599243)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Morticia

Don't give us that old flannel, Micca....you were caught out, be a man and admit it. Whilst we are into confessions, Mark......I don't get it.....can you explain for the hard of understanding amongst us....probably just me (sigh).

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28 Nov 01 - 07:08 AM (#599244)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,micca at work

Morticia, WRONG, I KNOW the monster is never named, it came up in a quiz (or triv) at one of my New years parties a few years ago...I think you were there...

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28 Nov 01 - 07:43 AM (#599257)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Paul

Morticia,

There are only 25 letters, there is no...

Got it? Good

Paul

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28 Nov 01 - 08:45 AM (#599283)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: The Walrus at work

There was a "Punch" cartoon from the mid 1970s which showed a batch of prisoners in a Gulag handling a log, one prisoner is Father Christmas. One guard is saying to the other "...violating Soviet airspace, I believe.."

regards

Walrus

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28 Nov 01 - 09:41 AM (#599321)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA

From an existing Christmas card:

"The Treetop Angel's Revenge" – a cartoon of a Christmas tree with a treetop angel standing on the floor beside it, looking up in smug satisfaction at the cross-eyed person sitting on the top of the tree (with the uppermost branch presumably stuck up his butt).

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28 Nov 01 - 09:42 AM (#599324)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Morticia

Thank you Paul.....I could plead tiredness or abstraction or something but actually, I'm just remarkably dim.

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28 Nov 01 - 12:20 PM (#599435)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mark Clark

A Christmas Legend

(Why we place an angel atop the Christmas tree)

Long, long ago, while still a young man and only beginning to establish himself as a holiday icon, Santa Claus did not have access to all the fine new equipment and facilities he now enjoys. As he and the elves worked to make toys and prepare for his long Christmas ride, he often had to make do with old well-worn equipment.

One memorable Christmas Eve, found Santa haggard and weary. He was running late and was anxious to load up the sleigh and get started. Grabbing his great sack from a shelf, he filled it with toys and flung it over his shoulder and started for the door. No sooner had the sack touched his back the when the sudden weight of the toys caused the old stitching to give way and the toys fell crashing to the floor. Furious, Santa muttered an oath under his breath and yelled for an elf to help sew up the sack and help him on his way.

The sack mended and once again filled with toys, Santa headed out the door where the elves had his sleigh and reindeer all hitched up and ready to go. He tossed the sack of toys into the back of the sleigh but the added weight was too much for the old crate and it collapsed under the sudden load. Cursing loudly, Santa screamed for his elves to get the sleigh repaired so he could he could get started.

At last the old sleigh was patched back together and made ready for Santa's trip. Santa strode angrily out of the house, stomped over to the sleigh and placed one foot on the running board to climb in. But alas the running board had seen better days and snapped off under his weight leaving Santa face down in the snow. In a rage, Santa grabbed the broken running board and throwing it violently against the house jumped into the sleigh, grabbed the reins and... just then, an angel came down the road carrying a Christmas tree saying “Hey Santa, where do you want me to put this tree?”

      - Mark

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28 Nov 01 - 12:23 PM (#599438)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: mousethief

I used this on a Christmas card about 5 years ago:

A long line of people in stately robes carrying really stupid gifts, with the caption, "Why you've only heard of the first 3 'wise men'"

Alex

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28 Nov 01 - 12:28 PM (#599441)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA

I suppose you could make up a cartoon with the Three Stooges dressed in royal robes and crowns, and entitle it "The Three Wise Guys".

I drew a 'toon a few years ago, with a troll in a choir robe, singing (y'know... "Troll the ancient yuletide carol").

Then there's Don Weenow, the cross-dresser (the guy in the gay apparel).

How about picturing the ten reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph ...and Olive (as in "Olive the other reindeer"). There's even a children's book out there now, about Olive!

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28 Nov 01 - 12:29 PM (#599444)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Fibula Mattock

Any Uk Catters seen the Private Eye Foot-and-Mouth Christmas cards? (For anyone not in the know, Private Eye is a satirical magazing, much like the Onion, only better.) They've got a woman looking at a crib with the Holy Family, shepherds, wise men and the rest all staring out of the stable at a burning pyre of cows.

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28 Nov 01 - 12:35 PM (#599451)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Burke

As long as we're being picky here, we don't know how many wise men there were or their names, just 3 that gifts are mentioned.

Matthew 2:1 "behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem,... 2:11 And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense and myrrh."

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28 Nov 01 - 01:05 PM (#599468)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA

I saw a card a couple of years ago with the Three Wise Women bearing really wise gifts such as diapers, a bottle, and so forth.

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28 Nov 01 - 01:09 PM (#599469)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: mousethief

I saw a poster that said, "If it were the three wise WOMEN, they would have brought useful gifts, and cleaned the stable, changed the baby and rocked it to sleep, etc."

Alex

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28 Nov 01 - 01:11 PM (#599471)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA

But my favorite is the cartoon of Santa on the lawn outside a kid's bedroom window, being frisked by the police, saying, "Wait, officer! You don't understand! I'm supposed to see them when they're sleeping!!!"

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28 Nov 01 - 01:17 PM (#599475)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Micca

or the card I saw years ago, the stable surrounded by heavenly choirs singing, shepherds worship, wise men and creatures all gathered round, and Joseph is saying " All this and you STILL want an announcement in the Jewish Chronicle"?

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28 Nov 01 - 01:40 PM (#599489)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: brid widder

My favourite was a picture of a sad looking vicar in tweed standing in the snow and surrounded by green spots...'Geoffrey had hoped for peace on earth but he didn't like to complain'

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28 Nov 01 - 03:28 PM (#599577)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: katlaughing

Mortee, I must be dimmer, because though I noticed right off there was no "L," I still don't get Mark's pretty-looking joke. Sorry, Mark.:-)

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28 Nov 01 - 03:37 PM (#599587)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: jeffp

kat - no "L" = Noel

OK?

jeffp

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28 Nov 01 - 05:44 PM (#599679)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA

Then there's the card with the dog holding a stick in its mouth, standing in front of a snowman who's shouting, "Give me back my arm!!!"

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29 Nov 01 - 05:04 AM (#600049)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Kaleea

Some of my favs to put with an appropriate sketch: Wreck the Halls Come They Told Me . . . (open card to read):the Rump Roast Is Done Up on the Mousetop Scene of harried travelers in a major city airport with caption: We Wish You a Hare Krisha (my Hindu friends think this one's a riot!)

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29 Nov 01 - 06:19 AM (#600067)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: JohnInKansas

One I actually used several years ago (to a very few "friends").

On the outside cover, draw a part of a circle - the "northwest" quadrant or a little less.

Sort of "inside" where the full circle would be, you draw three or four "triangles" with one side missing.

On the ends of the "legs" of the triangles, where the other side would have been, you draw "arrowheads."
Sprinkle a few musical notes (dots) around the whole thing.

Inside, if you're brave enough, it reads:

"Arc the arrowed angles sing."

groan and drum rip.

And apologies

John

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29 Nov 01 - 02:05 PM (#600364)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red

keep 'em coming, I got the No L one
call me an engineer (I are one) but I saw a regular matrix & the square root of 26 is er...... fingers, carry one, er...... non integer. Soooooo there must be one missing, but which one? start at A, Bingo
I may use that one
or the Cross mouse card or the Tinsel-itus gag or the learner sleighing Santa who passes his test (No L plates) but I do rahter like the one that goes.....
cue Santappluase.

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29 Nov 01 - 02:28 PM (#600381)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Jack the Sailor

Check the balls on that big collie1

Fa la la la la, la la la la

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29 Nov 01 - 02:29 PM (#600385)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Jack the Sailor

"1" should be "!"

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29 Nov 01 - 02:40 PM (#600394)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Melani

Several years ago I used "The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas," printed on parchment-like paper. Emily progresses from thanking Edmond for his original and thoughtful gift of a partridge in a pear tree to calling her lawyer to get rid of the twelve lords a-leaping all over her lawn, chasing the eight milkmaids, etc. If anybody wants the full text, let me know.

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29 Nov 01 - 02:43 PM (#600398)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA

Melani: Consider yourself notified! Yes, please post the full text of "The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas"!

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29 Nov 01 - 02:56 PM (#600416)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST

On the front of the card: A picture of an annoyed looking Santa with brown colored smears and blotches all over his clothes and face, talking to Mrs. Claus. Inside the card: "Damn it woman! I asked you to put those friggin' reindeer on a high-fiber diet."

On the front: A bunch of barefoot shepherds sitting around a washtub outdoors under a starry sky, scrubbing their stockings on washboards. Verse inside: "While Shepherds Washed Their Socks by Night All Seated on the Ground..."

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29 Nov 01 - 03:16 PM (#600435)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST

Sharon,

re: 'Thank you notes'

Amazed that someone in the western world hasn't heard these.

There are numerous variations, but this site will give you the basic idea.

There've been mudcat threads about them before, but I can't be bothered to find them right now.

Sorry

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29 Nov 01 - 04:25 PM (#600495)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA

Thanks, GUEST! It's hilarious!

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30 Nov 01 - 05:49 AM (#600793)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler

Not a Xmas one but Herself found one somewhere on the web that we just sent to our nephew and wife for making us great uncle and great aunt: it has a line of animated rats doing the conga with "Conga-rat-ulations" below.
RtS (she's been with me for over 30 years, now even the "humour" is beginning to rub off!)

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30 Nov 01 - 10:47 PM (#601403)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,.gargoyle

Send them July or August, they are unexpected and receive greater respect.

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01 Dec 01 - 07:42 AM (#601535)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red

Er bit late this year but - yes.
I heard of aa brit actress going to work in Hollywood sending her Xmas cards to friends in th UK before she went.
As one chum put it - "but darling how do you know who your friends will be by the Xmas!"
well this is the place to be "catty"

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01 Dec 01 - 07:45 AM (#601539)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red

This may tell they way I am leaning
how do you spell Jouyeaux Neol in French? And what is the typical French expression?

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01 Dec 01 - 09:17 AM (#601573)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: sophocleese

One of my favourites was a picture of a manlooking a little surprised while being hit on the head with small hard objects. Inside the card it said, "Leaded snow, Leaded snow, Leaded snow."

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01 Dec 01 - 11:14 AM (#601618)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Bert

I had a friend who put up a picture of the Pleiades in her office. So I added a cartoon of a whole host of guys with funny hats on camels and one was saying, "OK. Guys, this is where we split up, that's three wise men to each star"

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03 Dec 01 - 10:56 PM (#603149)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Sonja

Mr. Red, It's "joyeaux Nöel," I believe.  (Not sure about the "x," because that would make the adjective plural.  Seems like it should be "joyeau Nöel," but that doesn't look right.)

An auditory and visual Christmas pun I borrowed to make Christmas cards is a pooch in a Santa hat scratching his ear.  The caption is
 

           Fleece Navidog!

 
 

SharonA, My version of the Deck the Hall pun is a wrinkled, grey-bearded gnome in full Father Christmas regalia with the caption :
 

Carroll, The Ancient Yuletide Troll

I have a song about that troll, in fact.  I'll  post it separately.
 

Sonja

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04 Dec 01 - 06:28 AM (#603237)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST

What is "Xmas"?

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04 Dec 01 - 08:31 AM (#603269)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: The Walrus at work

Guest,

Xmas is an accepted abbrieviation for Christmas, deriving (If I recall correctly) from the use of the Greek letter Rho (looks like a capital P) superimposed over the Greek letter Chi (looks like capital X), however, as there is no Roman letter which combines both letters, over time, (Chi)(Rho)mas has becom wriitten as Xmas.

regards

Walrus

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04 Dec 01 - 09:49 AM (#603317)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA

Sonja: Hee hee hee! Love it!!!

The Walrus: Wow, I never knew that (about the Greek letters). I had thought the "X" in Xmas referred to the cross Christ is supposed to have died on.

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04 Dec 01 - 10:07 AM (#603329)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler

I'd contribute a joke but I think I've emptied the bin now. I've been sending some to a work colleague (just to rub it in that I've come out under the wire after years of tunnelling with a teaspoon)and he responded with this generous comment: (!)
These are great. I've set up a special folder for your stuff in Outlook. It's called "Deleted Items".
RtS (The young have no respect these days for us old farts)

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04 Dec 01 - 10:32 AM (#603353)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Bat Goddess

An ancient variation of the "no 'El'" was a card some years ago with a photograph of an New York Cityscape without the elevated train which had recently been torn down.

How about the little fat kid standing at the side of the stable -- "Round Yahn Virgin."

The old Playboy magazine cartoon of a young twit accosting Santa saying, "I hope you realize you are tracking dirt, soot and in all likelihood, reindeer manure all over a priceless Persian rug . . .)

The card I saw recently had a fellow musing in his living room that Christmas is the time of year when you sit around staring at a dead tree inside your house while eating candy out of your socks.

I did a card a few years ago (that is still getting raves) where I stole the idea (floating around the 'net) of the four festivity levels (but I illustrated it nicely and printed it up professionally).

Linn

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04 Dec 01 - 11:12 AM (#603383)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: LR Mole

Deleted to mute you.

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04 Dec 01 - 11:40 AM (#603409)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA

Having just embarrassed myself by professing my ignorance of "The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas", I hesitate to ask this but...

Oh, what the heck... Linn (Bat Goddess), what are these "four festivity levels" of which you speak?

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04 Dec 01 - 02:46 PM (#603525)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: annamill

"Hot nuts roasting on an open chest" ...aaahhh.. no that's not right. ???

Love, annamill(whogotmarksjoke ;-)

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04 Dec 01 - 05:12 PM (#603652)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red

Just got back after a compucrash. Turned out to be the sound card hanging the EISA bus. problem is I lost a few files in the re-install. so when I have read the suggestions I will be back in business. TIA

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04 Dec 01 - 08:01 PM (#603811)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST

Dear Walrus at Work- I wasn't asking "what is xmas" so much as what is the purpose of writing Xmas? Just another way to take Christ out of Christmas? For shame.

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04 Dec 01 - 08:17 PM (#603825)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Bat Goddess

Festivity Level One
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Two
Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Three
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No satisfaction," gulping down other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and place hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level Four
Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared allover their naked bodyies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your Yuletide festivities somewhere around Level Three -- unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four. (The best way to get to Level Three is eggnog.)

Have a Great Holiday Season and we hope you get the house cleaned up by the New Year!

(Bat Goddess & Curmudgeon, 1996)

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04 Dec 01 - 09:52 PM (#603896)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie

Guest,
My mom, a Baptist minister's wife and holder of a Master's in religious education, told me recently that she used to think, as you do, that 
XMAS was non-religious, taking Christ out of Christmas.  Then she learned, as referred to above by Walrus, that the early Christians used the "X"--the Greek letter "Chi" (or Rho superimposed on Chi) to stand for "Christ."   They were not taking "Christ" out of "Christmas" any more than it changes the meaning of "Sunday" to abbreviate it "Sun."
To them -- and now to her -- this is in no way derogatory or sacrilegious.

Some non-religious folks may see XMAS as less religous than "Christmas," but these folks aren't being reverent when they write "Christmas," either.  It is simply a short form, derived from a letter (symbol) representing "Christ."

Genie the P.K.

BTW, Doesn't Gary Larson have a cartoon about "Murray, The Fourth Wise Man, Who Brought Fruitcake?" I can't remember the rest of the cartoon. Maybe someone else can.

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06 Dec 01 - 09:15 AM (#604870)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red

DECISION TIME it looks like Noel this year

XP (Chi Rho) is seen on a lot of alter cloths. Thanks Walrus, it clears-up a mystery so nuetral that I never pursued it. But being a fully paid-up member of Pedants Anonymous it is one of lifes pleasures finding snippets like that. It was St Andrew who was strapped to an X shaped cross.
"Jouyeaux Neol" isn't that a back-formed short hand for what we would call XPmas (sic) Joys? Assuming Anglophones had gone down that route instead of "seasons greetings" (when there is only one season involved - but let's not be too posessive about it).
on that note another example of my XPmas cards is:
an impressionist painting of Mont Victoire and underneath printed Cezanne's Greetings
(I'll get my coat)

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06 Dec 01 - 01:14 PM (#604995)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: LR Mole

Better than Julius and Augustus, in togas, saying "Caesars' Greetings". I'll help you find it (I recall my Aunt Teresa saying, around this time of year, "Leave early; get a good coat.")

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06 Dec 01 - 01:21 PM (#605000)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA

ga-ROAN.

Have y'all seen the card entitled "Why Santa Doesn't Use Cats"? It shows a cartoon of 3 cats in harness, lying on the snow, saying: "Hit me with that whip, Chimney Breath, and I'll scratch you silly"; "I want a collar with diamonds"; "I'll go when I'm good and ready"...

Saw a card yesterday showing a couple building a small snowman in the background, while in the foreground two distressed snowpeople are crying to one another: "Can you believe it? They're making a baby right there on the lawn! Disgraceful!!!"

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06 Dec 01 - 02:00 PM (#605069)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Pseudolus

I saw another version of the No-El thing on a button. It was a large letter "L" with a circle around it and a line through it...pretty funny.

Sharon, I love the Don Weenow one....that is hilarious!!

Frank

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06 Dec 01 - 02:21 PM (#605089)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA

Outside of card: "Up on the housetop, reindeer pause..."

Inside of card: Yeah, well, if you had to haul Ol' Milk-and-Cookie-Butt around the world, you'd want to pause once in a while, too!

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06 Dec 01 - 06:00 PM (#605238)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Les B

A common office party gag gift a few years back was a small, leafless twig with a tiny red ribbon tied to a branch and holding a spent .22 shell. When asked what it represented the inquirer was told it was one of the first gifts of the Twelve Days of Christmas - a "cartridge in a bare tree".

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07 Dec 01 - 11:04 AM (#605735)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA

Genie: Groannnnnnnnnnnn... !!

Here's a phrase I used as the title of a tongue-in-cheek song about the Christmas story from Joseph's point of view (but it would work as well in a cartoon with all the characters crammed into the stable and tripping over one another), as Joseph says to his wife: "Oy vey, Maria!"

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07 Dec 01 - 02:27 PM (#605849)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Hillheader

Mary gives birth and the Archangels calls "God, what if it's a girl?"

The innkeeper says to Mary and Joseph "Sure we have a room. It's always quiet at this time of year".

Randolph the brown nosed reindeer -- one behind Rudolph but no ABS.

Incidently, should Mark's card not have 26 letters? There is a double "U".

Davebhoy

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07 Dec 01 - 02:53 PM (#605870)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: SharonA

I'm picturing Santa in a cowboy outfit at the "No L Ranch" (maybe branding reindeer?).

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07 Dec 01 - 08:41 PM (#606102)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red

useless facts dept
Just went looking for "happy" in Eng/french dic and joyeaux is listed there!
I have printed out the Xmas cards for this year but I am still collecting ideas for next year.

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08 Dec 01 - 11:50 AM (#606320)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Jim Dixon

I suppose this poem, which I posted last year, is ripe to be plagiarized. At any rate, it deserves to be more widely known:

The Cowboy King's NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

I will refresh it so more people get a look.

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08 Dec 01 - 06:47 PM (#606464)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Alec

Stick a ping pong ball on the frount with an angel either side playing table tennis.The inside ...."Ping Pong Merrily on High ! " A picture of a mouse with a bright red nose on the frount inside .... " Happy Chrissmouse ! " Dreadfull I know !!

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08 Dec 01 - 10:46 PM (#606552)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Nick

Have a Merry Chritmass..... OR I'LL SMASH YOUR FACE IN!

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09 Dec 01 - 04:20 AM (#606644)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,Raggytash

Three wise men outside the stable ...........one says ....She's a Palestinian!

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09 Dec 01 - 09:50 AM (#606702)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: gnomad

Loving the thread, but mistified by joyeaux noel, joyeux surely.

Shuffle off to make card with self portrait, caption "Yonder pedant, who is he?"

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09 Dec 01 - 03:57 PM (#606823)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST

*LOL* Gnomad!

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09 Dec 01 - 04:18 PM (#606831)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: An

This summer, my three-year old daughter Elena and I had this conversation: Elena:"When is that woman coming back?" Me: "What woman?" Elena (impatiently): "You know, that woman who brings presents?" Me:"Who?!?" Elena (with a face showing utter disbelief at my ignorance): "Well, you know?! Mary Christmas!!"

Thank you all for your hilarious jokes!

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10 Dec 01 - 03:33 PM (#607335)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie

Alec, in the same vein as yours, how about a giant ape ringing Christmas bells on top of the Empire State Building?   Need I give you the caption?

Here's a cartoon I saw yesterday that  will delight all the ailurophiles out there:

A cat is in typical feline posture -- front paws stretched out on the ground, head low, cat butt up in the air with tail raised -- with its rear practically in the dog's face.  Tied to the top of the cat's tail, in red and green ribbons, is a sprig of mistletoe!

Genie

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10 Dec 01 - 05:57 PM (#607451)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red

gnomad
joyeux it is
le pedant - is that an insect's foot? don't forget the stamp **groan**
Genie
not posessive - no apostrophe - its all there. I didn't want to be (sic) all over it.
Now Iditerod or come to that Navidog I am puzzled. Are they references to idiomatic phrases? Is there a geographical uniqueness or is it Latin? Tried the etymology and lexicography, phonetic and rhyming (thankyou SEOD CD ROM). Still acting dumb.
je ne parle plus francaise une petit pas.

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10 Dec 01 - 07:04 PM (#607490)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie

Mr Red, You're right about "joyeux," of course. I wasn't sure about the grammatical details of whether the final "x" always makes the noun or adjective plural (a long time since "j'ai étudiez le Français"); it just didn't look right without the "x" though. (J'ai oubliez beaucoup de la grammaire Français, parce que je n'ai pas l'opportunite parlez la linge souvent.)

The "Fleas Navidog" is, of course, a pun on "Felice Navidad." The Iditerod is an Alaskan dog sled race.

Genie

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10 Dec 01 - 10:02 PM (#607609)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie

Here is a link to an earlier Holiday joke thread.

Genie

If you folks can stand one more bad visual pun, picture this:

A street corner, duly decorated for the holidays, with three obvious ladies of the evening standing there. Open the card, and inside is the caption
HO! HO! HO!

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10 Dec 01 - 10:07 PM (#607613)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie

OOPS! I can't believe I posted "Felice Navidad!" It is, of course, "¡Feliz Navidad!"

Genie

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10 Dec 01 - 11:18 PM (#607654)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Genie

Check out the fruitcake recipe in this thread! It's hilarious!

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11 Dec 01 - 03:11 AM (#607736)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: GUEST,guest

All these French pedants-do you expect a revulsion?

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12 Dec 01 - 12:02 AM (#608174)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Charlie Baum

Bah! Humbug!
And similar salutations of the season.

--Charlie Baum

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17 Oct 02 - 09:00 AM (#805271)
Subject: Refresh Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: Mr Red

Well it's that time of year again any new ideas while I think on those above this years?

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17 Oct 02 - 09:30 AM (#805296)
Subject: RE: Help: Xmas Card joke idea needed
From: HuwG

There was the sketch from the "Blackadder Christmas special" some time ago.

Baldric (played by Tony Robinson as Bob Cratchitt) is toiling at his desk. Out of shot, Ebenezer Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson) can be heard approaching, saying loudly, "Humbug ! Humbug !".

He enters shot wreathed in smiles, proffers a bag of sweets, and says, "A humbug, Mr. Baldric ?"

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