14 Dec 01 - 05:16 PM (#609949) Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Áine Well, I just can't allow any moss to be growing on your Cow Chips, now can I?!? Just in case you all have any tips left on your turkey quills, here's a little article that I thought y'all would enjoy sinking your synapses into -- Enjoy! -- Áine E-E-E-E-EEK! The Elves Are Armed And Claus Is Wearing Kevlar! -- Santas will be feeling oh-so-secure from rowdy children at shopping malls this year, now that the Freeport Leisure company is employing personal bodyguards for their costumed St. Nicks at their six factory outlet sites. The company is also telling their red-clad employees to wear extra padding. A company spokesman told the Evening Gazette: "Last year Santa received a number of tugs and pulls from over-exuberant children, which led to him getting a bit roughed up." "And there was an incident at one of the centres last year where there was a bit more to it than that. So this year we have decided to give Santa a bit of extra protection." Tindi Sorber, group marketing manager for Freeport Leisure, said children would still be encouraged to tug Santa's beard as part of the Christmas tradition.
"We don't mind a tug - in fact we encourage it. It's all part of the Christmas tradition. However, last year Santa reported the odd bruise, so we've heeded his call and left nothing to chance," he said. |
14 Dec 01 - 06:09 PM (#609990) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Jack the Sailor I gotta say I'm at a loss? What are the guards gonna do that a full grown man in a Santa suit can't? Whats the angle? Santa's a wuss??? Even I can't write that this close to christmas. |
14 Dec 01 - 06:20 PM (#610000) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: katlaughing I think Santa would be too encumbered by the suit, padding, beard, etc. to be very defensive. Must be like walking around in a Pillsbury doughboy suit! |
14 Dec 01 - 06:22 PM (#610003) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Jack the Sailor Well maybe I can.... I saw Santa with a Body Guard
I saw Santa with a Body Guard
Then I saw Tommy assault Santa Claus |
14 Dec 01 - 06:27 PM (#610011) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Jack the Sailor Thank you elf, Christmas must be near! |
14 Dec 01 - 06:30 PM (#610014) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Clifton53 Send Me Down To Santa's Chair (Send Me To The 'Lectric Chair)
Well listen now Momma, I been bad
Now Moms, Moms, oh listen to me Moms
Well now Santa's scary, there is no doubt
Yes Moms, Moms, oh I deserve it Moms
Well since I last saw Santa, I been real good
Thank You Moms, Moms, I'm so happy Moms
Not EXACTLY to the topic. Sure was fun though Clifton
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14 Dec 01 - 06:38 PM (#610024) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Áine Clifton -- I LOVE IT!! Here's your Silver B.L.O.B. for making so nice with: Thank You Moms, Moms, I'm so happy Moms Since you sent me down to Santa's chair I hope my angelic qualities Ain't too much for you to bear Well Santa he plain told me If I didn't act just right That his boys would come and visit in the middle of the night So Moms, Moms, it worked on me now Moms You sent me down to Santa's chair And here's one for you, dear Jack, for this saucy little verse: I saw Santa with a Body Guard Over at the mall last Friday night He must be quite a creep but the company ain't cheap And if you mess with Santa with the fishes you will sleep It's a great start, keep 'em coming! -- Áine |
14 Dec 01 - 06:40 PM (#610026) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Jack the Sailor I've sat in a Santa Suit, you can take on any kid small enough to want to sit on your knee. Nowadays Santa seems to be all about the pictures. Less about the asking for stuff. I hear his website is busy though. |
14 Dec 01 - 06:54 PM (#610032) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Jack the Sailor Imagine this one sung to a small child by Christopher Walken, in his most threatening voice. Santa Claus has Hired The Mob
He's Making a list and checking it twice
A scarier man you never have met
Who cares if you've been sleeping
You better be good you better make nice
Santa Claus has Hired
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14 Dec 01 - 07:08 PM (#610044) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Amos No Use for the Younkers?
Ah got no use for the young 'uns! I had a friend was a Bloomingdale's Santa They were blue eyed and redhaired and pale-skinned, Then her sister got mad at Old Santa, Now I'm lying around broke without work sir, Oh, I've got no use for the younkers, Regards, A. |
14 Dec 01 - 07:22 PM (#610053) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Rollo Having played Santa once, I know exactly how he must have felt ... Imagine children pulling the beard, expecting the rubber band going "twaing", but being shocked instead by Santa Claus shouting, "AAAARGH that hurts -- let go yer little bastard, let go!" The Santa Tank Song (to the tune of "Sam Hall") Oh my Name is Santa Claus, Chimney climb, Chimney climb Oh my Name is Santa Claus, Chimney climb Through your chimney I do fall, And I hate you one and all, You're a bunch of muckers all, Blast your eyes, damn your souls, Youre a bunch of muckers all, blast your eyes! As I landed on the roof, with my sleigh, with my sleigh As I landed on the roof, with my sleigh As I landed on the roof, not a noise made rudolf's hoof, Climbing down I made my way, through the soot, through the soot, climbing down I made my way through the soot In the fireplace I got trapped, thats no joke, thats no joke, in the fireplace I got trapped, that's no joke! In the fireplace I got trapped, in a sling the kids had set, My poor stomach they did poke, pushed my nose, pulled my beard My poor stomach they did poke, pulled my beard! Modern children are so bad, little devils, monsters all! Modern children are so bad, monsters all! Modern childen are so bad, they will surely drive me mad! But this time I am prepared, blast their eyes, damn their soul, But this time I am prepared, damn their soul! Twelve marines to pull the sleigh with armoured sides of shining steel, Twelve marines to pull the sleigh with sides of steel! twelve marines to pull the sleigh, Hut! hut! Hut! on christmas eve, And a grenade down the tube, clears the way, clears the way, and a grenade down the tube clears the way! duplicate message deleted and author's comments added to this message by mudelf ;-)
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14 Dec 01 - 07:41 PM (#610070) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Amos Outrageous, Rollo!!! Hey, TGG -- better start pacin' yourself here!!! Yore gonna get swamped!!! Love, A. |
14 Dec 01 - 08:35 PM (#610114) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Áine You're right, dear Amos! I knew you all would like this one! ;-)
OK, now for the Silver B.L.O.B.s -- -- Áine |
14 Dec 01 - 08:47 PM (#610123) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Áine OK -- Since it's Friday, and I don't have to cook tonight (let's hear it for 'cheesy greasy fried beef Fridays!!), I've had a few minutes to come up with a little ditty for this Challenge!. I took the kids' side on this one -- imagine what a cathartic experience it would be to visit Santa with Vinnie and Alfredo standing behind him . . . Hope y'all like it . . . ;-) Look At That Face by Áine (Tune: Look At That Face by Anthony Newley; from the musical, Roar of the Greasepaint, Smell of the Crowd) Look at that face - Just look at it, Look at that jolly old face of yours. I knew first look I took at it, This was the face that the world adores. Look at those eyes - As blue and as deep as the sea. But Santa, that bulge, Is it fat, or an AKC? As for your smile, it's cynical - Cold as a dead cod upon the quay - If I survive, it's a miracle Where could I ever find words to say That you used to make me happy Whenever I sat in your lap? Now I find when I look A FBI spook In that face Look at that elf - Just look at him I see a wire hidden 'neath his cap. I knew the first look I took at it You've got an elf who is full of crap. Look at those eyes - As close as the closest of friends. Look at those shades - They start where a tunnel ends. As for his smile - spectacular! One grin would frighten a saint away. He's got a face like Dracula! And I mean that in the nicest way! To say that my world has changed now Would not even state the case. No wonder I shook When I first took a look At your face. -- Áine
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14 Dec 01 - 09:24 PM (#610137) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Amos LOL!! Just make sure the keeds keep those sentiments to themselves, or they'll get a face full of pepper spray 'll leave 'em weeping for a week! Ever since September 11, Santa can't be TOO goddamn careful!! A |
14 Dec 01 - 11:46 PM (#610198) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Áine Well, it must be the boeuf, but I've got another one . . . This time, I took the side of the poor frustrated security guard . . . The Ballad of Elf Number Two by Áine (Tune: 'I Want A Girl' (Just Like the Girl that Married Dear Old Dad) Click here to play tune) When I was a boy My mother often said to me 'When you grow up, we'll see How useful you can be.' I have looked all over, But no position can I find, That seems to be just like The job I have in mind. I will have to look around Until the right one I have found . . . Chorus: I guard the guy who thinks he can fly Just like Peter Pan I frisk all the boys, before they ask for toys And slap their sticky hands. Old fashioned Santas are so out of date They all think they need cops to 'mediate' I want a job where they call me 'Bob' And not Elf Number Two! By the stacks of Potter books There sits a winsome lass Who thinks that I am crass With my knuckles made of brass Her mother dear looks up at me With tears upon her face And if she makes a move at me I'll stop her with my Mace The kids are pissed off as can be But they will never get through me! Chorus: I guard the guy who thinks he can fly Just like Peter Pan I frisk all the boys, before they ask for toys And slap their sticky hands. Old fashioned Santas are so out of date They all think they need cops to 'mediate' I want a job where they call me 'Bob' And not Elf Number Two! |
14 Dec 01 - 11:50 PM (#610201) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Amos LOL, TGG!!! Poor Bob!!! I think I know how he feels. A |
15 Dec 01 - 03:16 AM (#610257) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: GUEST,Sonja Once again, Áine, I ain't got time to do this here thaing up right, but here's the 5-minute special. SWO They Always Hurt The Claus They Love They always hurt the Claus they love |
15 Dec 01 - 09:40 AM (#610345) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Clifton53 Bravo one and all!! Great guffaws and giblet gongers!!
The North Pole Goons
Brave young men, with balls of brass
Santa's safety, they insure
Body armor, Uzis hid
If some child, should dare invade
So don't be surly, don't be weird
Just be happy, act real nice Clifton |
15 Dec 01 - 10:04 AM (#610355) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Áine Once again, brilliant! Here's a mini-Silver B.L.O.B. (small, but just as shiny!) for Sonja for her quirky quickie: They always hurt the Claus they love The one they shouldn't hurt at all. They always pull his beard and nose And kick 'im in the gut and balls. I fear they'll break his private parts-- With each season, he must be recalled! So lest the bloke may die of fright, Mr. Claus, we're here to take the fall! And here's a S.B.L.O.B. for Clifton, who made my stand at attention in my best Elf suit with: Brave young men, with balls of brass Tough mean dudes, guard Santa's ass Hard as steel, crazy as loons Those nasty thugs, called The North Pole Goons We're on a roll!! -- Áine
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15 Dec 01 - 01:06 PM (#610480) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Uncle_DaveO Someone asked why Santa would need guards; can't he take care of himself? Remember, this is a branch of show business. The show has to go on, so Santa can't turn aside for little things like self-defense. More than that, it wouldn't be good for his image if HE slapped the little kiddies around, would it? Dave Oesterreich |
15 Dec 01 - 09:09 PM (#610745) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Rollo au contraire, dave... if santa slapped them kids he would make them BELIEVE again... *G* Don't you remember the FEAR? That feeling of being a little insect in presence of a SUPREME BEING? The TERROR, when remembering your register of petty sins - sure this time santa would not give oyu anything because you had been BAD? In Germany "Sankt Nicolaus", accompanied by his serf, "Knecht Ruprecht", visits all children in the night of dec.6. to fill their shoes with sweets. But naughty kids get only a lump of coal - and if they were too bad at all, a bundle of willow branches so the parents can beat their children's back black and blue! This is REALLY thrilling a night for little chillens hearts! |
16 Dec 01 - 02:21 AM (#610856) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Genie I saw Tommy kicking Santa Claus words: Genie tune: [3 guesses] I saw Tommy kicking Santa Claus |
16 Dec 01 - 05:42 PM (#611190) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Aidan Crossey Who knows ... maybe Santa Claus will fight back! No prizes for guessing the original which this parodies ...
If you're looking for trouble you came to the right place |
16 Dec 01 - 07:33 PM (#611242) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Amos The Dark Side of the Force has obviously had a few wins lately!! LOL!! Beautiful, guys! A |
16 Dec 01 - 07:50 PM (#611257) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Deda Tune - Midnight Special
Don't let Rudoph's red nose |
16 Dec 01 - 08:46 PM (#611291) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Amos Ho ho ho!!! Ya ready fer a concrete overcoat? Huh? Damn brat....HEY!!! Sit up straight before I slap you a good one, kid!!! An' shuddup wid da gimmes or I'll show you a gimme up alongside ya head!! Ya hear me??!!! (And then they hired the Santa who was one-half (challenged ethnic type here) who kept making offers he couldn't understand!!). A |
16 Dec 01 - 09:13 PM (#611301) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Áine Wow! I didn't realize how cathartic this thread would be . . . my, my, my, scat cat tail's in the gravy!! ;-)
Alrightey then, here are the latest Silver B.L.O.B.s:
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17 Dec 01 - 05:12 AM (#611432) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Aidan Crossey Oh dear ... Áine embarrasses me with her praise! Anyway ... here's a skit on an old Thin Lizzy classic which I laways thought was nasty even in its original form.
THE LITTLE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN |
17 Dec 01 - 08:16 AM (#611469) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Aidan Crossey To the tune of "The Little Drummer Boy"
Come they told me par-um-pum-pum |
17 Dec 01 - 09:11 AM (#611500) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Áine Here's a couple of Silver B.L.O.B.s to ole red-faced derrymacash, who turned my face red with laughter this morning with: Friday night we'll be dressed to kill School's broke up, you know the drill Milk will flow and blood will spill If the boys wanna fight you better let 'em Muzak in the shopping centre jingling out those corny songs When we do over Santa Claus, it won't be long It won't be long 'till Easter comes And we can beat up that ol' Easter Bunny again AND with: I overran those par-um-pum-pum Crack commandos par-um-pum-pum Hear them bleating par-um-pum-pum As they're retreating par-um-pum-pum Rum-pum-pum-pum rum-pum-pum-pum Fantastic! -- Áine
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17 Dec 01 - 10:51 AM (#611566) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Aidan Crossey To the tune of "Once In Royal David's City"
In a Freeport retail centre |
17 Dec 01 - 11:42 AM (#611620) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Amos Gruesome, Derry! I think we oughta pick on the Easter Bunny next. Our forefathers watched as our generation fought to dispense with excuses for civil wrongs and unjust wars. Now we can turn to our children, in turn, and sic 'em on useless Myths and corrosive Icons!! A. |
17 Dec 01 - 11:48 AM (#611625) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Thread creep: a cartoon in one of the newspapers had Santa held up by some special forces troops:"It's a grotto, guys, NOT a cave" he is protesting! RtS |
17 Dec 01 - 12:08 PM (#611645) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: mousethief Up at the Nordstrom's* tune: Up on the Housetop
Up at the Nordstrom's Santa's toughs
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go?
First comes a girl known as little Nell
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go?
Next comes a boy known as little Bob
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go?
Next comes a girl with a foreign name
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go?
When closing time comes winging 'round Copyright ©2001 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.
*In the Seattle dialect (coffeese), store names always end with 's. Even if it's not the name of some person or family (e.g. Safeway's). Don't ask us why. |
17 Dec 01 - 12:11 PM (#611649) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: mousethief Ooops can an elf fix that? The choruses are supposes to be bold and the verses not so. Musta mistyped the end bold on the first chorus. Alex |
17 Dec 01 - 05:40 PM (#611888) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Áine Two more great submissions -- so, here's another couple of Silver B.L.O.B.s for some great bits: To derrymacash, for this bit of fancy footwork: In a Freeport retail centre Stood a Santa dressed in red Till some local problem children Danced a hornpipe on his head As he chuckled "Ho ho ho" Santa bled into the snow And to mousethief, for this bright-eyed and bushy-tailed bit o' bull: Next comes a boy known as little Bob Keeping him calm is quite a job When he attempts to steal Santa's sack He's eating carpet with a knee in his back Hoo-haw! -- Áine |
17 Dec 01 - 10:49 PM (#612113) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Áine I won't try and describe the 'where, when and/or why' of this song -- y'all just take it as it lies, and I hope you all enjoy it (hehehe):
The Toyland Talkin' Blues |
17 Dec 01 - 10:57 PM (#612121) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Amos Dang, Áine, I can just hear Woody plucking and humming that one now!!! It's a sheer pure-dee talking blues, all right. Maybe I'll just put an MP3 of it down just to see what it sounds like fer ya!!! A |
17 Dec 01 - 11:01 PM (#612127) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Áine (...blush...) -- Oh please, dear bubba! -- Áine |
18 Dec 01 - 01:01 AM (#612183) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: GUEST,Bo Lump of Coal
In two thousand and one, I carried my sack,
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18 Dec 01 - 04:41 AM (#612216) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Aidan Crossey Nah, Bo. SOME of the credit to Bogle (tune and germ of the idea) ... but as regards this challenge, if he wants to enter off his own bat, then he can! Unless ... Oh, Christ! ... I've got it ... Bo ... Bo ... You are Eric BO ... gle in disguise |
18 Dec 01 - 08:04 AM (#612257) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Áine Another excellent song from Bo, an excellent new addition to our Challenge! family ;-) Here's your Silver B.L.O.B. for giving us this great ending (and an even better lesson): If I ever have children I'll tell them the truth That we buy them nice gifts cause we love them. And me and my wife will remember our youth And spend time with our kids till we trust them Maybe that special new toy they wont see When we gather together to sit at the tree But I will have them, and they will have me And this Santa will teach them of Christmas Wonderful! OK Challenge!rs, if you haven't bellied up to the bar and slapped down your song submission, you've got the rest of the day to do it. I've got yet another 'hot' Christmas story to slip under your doors and down your chimneys, and it's burning a hole in my elf suit! ;-) -- Áine |
18 Dec 01 - 08:17 AM (#612259) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: MMario Áine -- I think you really deserve a B.L.O.B. for:
On the garlands hung from the balconies, In fact - I think you deserve a Platinum B.L.O.B. |
18 Dec 01 - 09:06 AM (#612287) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Áine Why thank you, dear MMario ;-) I have to confess that I did think of you when I wrote that verse -- not that you have curled up toes or anything . . . Here's a platinum snog for ya, darlin', Áine |
18 Dec 01 - 11:09 AM (#612344) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: GUEST,Deda I get to work this morning and my computer wants to spit at me and I have what my daughter as a tiny girl called a "hake-hake" (headache) and massive work to do -- so I check in here and get my day off to a better start wtih some great bellylaughs. Thanks to all. Derry, the rest of us have day jobs -- how do you manage to be SO prolific? |
18 Dec 01 - 11:23 AM (#612351) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Aidan Crossey When nobody's looking I pretend I'm really busy ... scatter loads of papers all over the desk and bash out the songs in a word-processing package, Alt-Tabbing between the song and a spreadsheet or database input screen whenever anybody approaches my desk! The beauty of the kind of job I do is that it's "strategic" ... i.e. no-one's looking over my shoulder all the time ... I get the job done and mess about with Song Challenge!s and all sorts of other moonlighting as well ... |
18 Dec 01 - 11:39 AM (#612360) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Amos Hey Derry -- room for anyone else in your department?? LOL!!! A |
18 Dec 01 - 11:50 AM (#612368) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Aidan Crossey As it happens .... nah ... the commutin' costs would prob'ly be a tad expensive (London, UK and I get the feelin' you're across the water?). Anyway ... a limerick ... which is a bit off thread but lights out is imminent here at work!
As Santa cowered in his grotto line breaks added by mudelf ;-)
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18 Dec 01 - 06:19 PM (#612607) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Amos Yon Derry's position prestigious Is developing papers strategious While piles, reams and phalanges Of novels and Challenges Appear 'neath his wide-ranging aegis!! |
18 Dec 01 - 07:02 PM (#612658) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: GUEST,Bradypus I'm surprised no-one's used this yet ...
Jangle Bells line break fixed by mudelf ;-) |
18 Dec 01 - 07:04 PM (#612661) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Bradypus (Now I've got my cookie back) Sorry about the missing line break - I think it's obvious enough! |
18 Dec 01 - 10:11 PM (#612771) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Amos HEY!! Nice to see ya back in the lists, Sir Bradypus!! First rate job!!! What, you found the Grail and retired??? :>) Best regards, A. |
18 Dec 01 - 11:49 PM (#612871) Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! - Part 76 From: Áine Hey there, Bradypus! I'm so glad you snuck in under the wire -- it just wouldn't be a Challenge! without you, darlin'! ;-)
OK, Challenge!rs -- here are your next batch of holiday Chips -- set 'em outside on the sidewalk and watch 'em steam! You guys were really 'hot' on this one. So, cudos and congrats and a happy ho-ho-ho to y'all (but keep your 'noses' clean, there's another one coming up real soon . . .):
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