BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong

07 Jun 02 - 02:20 PM (#725387)
Subject: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: katlaughing

The cat walked across the worn wooden floor, stopping now and then to sniff at a stain, looking for tasty spills. It had already caught the Guinness-emboldened mouse, ate the tasty bits and was scrounging around for a bit more to fill its tummy. A slash of sunlight shone through the one grimy window at the back of the dim room, lighting on a huge old elaborately carved oak bar, running the length of one side, with chairs and tables filling the rest of the space. A small stage sat catty-corner near the front door.

Here, cat! What're you doin' in here! C'mon, now, go on, move outta the way a compact red-haired woman came in with a long-handled pushbroom, waving one arm at the cat and making hissy noises. She held the back door open for it to go out on the screened-in back porch. The cat sat on the floor, casually lifted one foot for a tongue wash, then the other. Go on, I said! She propped the broom against the wall and clapped her hands at the cat. With a look that could kill, the cat hip-hopped to the back door, in little skittering steps, totally disgusted with the woman's lack of good manners.

As she closed the door and went back to cleaning, other folks began to come in. Someone went behind the bar and started setting up full bottles, clean glasses, fresh fruit. Another went out back to fill the jello pit and get the BBQ going. (Above the jello pit was a hand-lettered sign which read THONGS OPTIONAL)Still others set their instrument cases near the stage, opened them and began tuning up, ready for a day of jamming.

The banner sign out front read:

COME ONE, COME ALL JAM TAVERN OPEN!!

NO Karaoke - ALL Acoustic - Folkies Need Apply!

As the sweeper pushed her broom and polished the tables, she heard the first few strums on a mellow six-string and thought, Ah...this is gonna be FUN!

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07 Jun 02 - 02:31 PM (#725394)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: AliUK

In walks ( or maybe slightly staggers)a largish fellow with a goetee and tash. He has a large grin plastered all over his face, which amybe due to the fact that his team have just won a football match against their arch rivals in the inter-village cup. He plonks himself down at the bar with a cheery `Howya?´ and is handed a welcome glass of nut brown ale, he waits for a tune that he can join in with...

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07 Jun 02 - 02:35 PM (#725398)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Lonesome EJ

LEJ lifted his pint, then stopped as he saw the form of a mouse perched on the rim, head buried in the foam. "Goddam Guinness-emboldened sumbitchin mouse" he grumbled, pulling it up by the tail. The mouse appeared to be unconscious. LEJ placed it on the bar, where its four legs immediately splayed in four different directions. He nudged it with his forefinger, saying "go on, boy," but it appeared to have expired. He turned it over and called out to Kat as he prodded its fat belly with his fingertip, "say...you know how to give a mouse artificial resuscitation?"

Suddenly, the mouse belched and sat up, rubbing its eyes and saying "Mother Mary and all the bleedin' saints! I just had a terrible dream that a cat had swallered myself!" LEJ frowned in sympathy, pouring a shot glass full of Guinness for the rodent and saying "fine. Drink with me...just stay out of my pint."

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07 Jun 02 - 02:38 PM (#725401)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: mousethief

Thank you, zir. Now if you could just keep that -- that -- that cat away for a time so I can calm down.

He downs his shot glass o' Guinness ("Right chewy stuff ain't it?") and relaxes in the bowl of beer nuts

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07 Jun 02 - 02:40 PM (#725404)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: AliUK

AliUk looked on with dumbfounded amusement as he saw LEJ apparently carrying on a conversation with an inebriated mouse, and says: `I´ll have whatever he´s drinking Kat´.

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07 Jun 02 - 02:43 PM (#725408)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Lonesome EJ

LEJ sits in mute horror as he watches Mousethief down the Guinness along with the Guinness-emboldened mouse. MT smiles, and then a sudden puzzled expression possesses his features. He begins to choke, grasping his throat. Quickly, LEJ executes the Heimlich Maneuver. In seconds, the G-E mouse shoots out of MT's mouth like a cannon shot and lands on a bar.

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07 Jun 02 - 02:49 PM (#725412)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: mousethief

Um, LEJ, I am a mouse. Doh!

Alex

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07 Jun 02 - 02:56 PM (#725418)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: DMcG

DMcG wanders in, wonders how a mouse managed to swallow another mouse whole, and decides to go out and come in again to see if things make more sense ... but first, a swift half, perhaps?

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07 Jun 02 - 03:11 PM (#725439)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Lonesome EJ

Damn. Sorry. It's just that, well, you are mighty damned tall for a mouse! The ears and tail should have been a give-away though.

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07 Jun 02 - 03:34 PM (#725461)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: gnu

Give that wee mouse a pitcher on my tab. Better give me that last pint of Turkey Turd Beer before Spaw arrives. And drinks and a packet of crisps for that thirsty and famished looking fellow at the end of the bar. How long has he been waiting to get served ?

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07 Jun 02 - 03:39 PM (#725466)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: katlaughing

Hey! Who said I wanted to be the barkeep!? I'm just the floorsweeper and cat wrangler..damn cat, thought it ate THAT mouse...no, no, not YOU, Alex...you are big enough to not get underfoot nor into the grain sacks, you are MORE than welcome!

Now, if ya'll insist on obsessing over that swilling pipsqueak of a mouse, just keep him outta my sight and don't blame the cat if she follows her own instincts!

Jenellen?! You gonna tend bar, darlin'? Part of the WenchNet contract, in'it?**BG**

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07 Jun 02 - 03:39 PM (#725469)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: mousethief

It's okay. LEJ just has had a little more than is good for him. When he bought a beer for a mouse, it was a dead giveaway.

Anyway, I have fallen asleep in the beer nuts.

O..O
=o=

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07 Jun 02 - 03:47 PM (#725478)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Kim C

When do you want the tattooed bellydancer to come in?

(Hi Mousethief! Where you been?)

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07 Jun 02 - 03:58 PM (#725486)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: John MacKenzie

Not for nothing is Guinness known in some circles as lunatic soup!!

# A mouse lived in a windmill, and ate hamster jam, lala la la la laaaa
It's Friday YO!!!!....Giok

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07 Jun 02 - 03:59 PM (#725489)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: mousethief

The mouse wakes up with a start, scattering beer nuts over half the bar.

"Tattooed bellydancers?! Bring 'em on!" he said in a lusty squeek.

Only to immediately fall asleep again, landing in the beer nuts with a tiny, beerlogged splash, accompanied by more scattering of soggy nuts.

(Hi Kim! Hiding!)

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07 Jun 02 - 04:21 PM (#725518)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Kim C

Safira the Tattooed Bellydancer from Istanbul (not Constantinople) shimmies in balancing a pint of Guinness on her head, playing the Habanera from Carmen on the finger cymbals. The jingly noise and flashing silver coins startle the poor mouse, causing the half-empty bowl of beer nuts, mouse and all, to crash into the floor. Mouse is fine, albeit a little groggy from the fall.

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07 Jun 02 - 04:29 PM (#725520)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Morticia

I don't mind tending bar 'til Jen gets here...in fact, considering that she's probably had her arm up the business end of some cow since 6 this morning, maybe I better do the first shift anyway...now what'll it be?And would someone mind fetching the mouse out of the belly dancer's cleavage?......Oh bugger....Sorry Safira, didn't think about the effect of the sudden rush on your saucepan lids.

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07 Jun 02 - 05:09 PM (#725546)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Kim C

Cleavage? WHAT cleavage?!

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07 Jun 02 - 08:34 PM (#725677)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Liz the Squeak

Bugger. Too pissed to do anythign,

yours.

Lusty Squeak.

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07 Jun 02 - 08:55 PM (#725683)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: artbrooks

Slightly tipsy mouse sticks his head out of the belly dancer's miserable excuse for a bust and looks around. He squeaks "has anybody seen the bloody cat? The bugger ate me brother". Kat the cleaning lady is in the can, cleaning up after a couple of early drunks, so Cat the cat takes advantage of the opportunity to sneak back in. The mouse sees him and dives back between the belly dancer's...coins.

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07 Jun 02 - 10:18 PM (#725726)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: katlaughing

The Kat came out of the loo, looked around and saidBugger the bloody mouse, ya knaves and fools! Whose gonna play some MUSIC?!! How's a goil to bellydance without it and how'm I to while you with my ways?! Maestro, LeeJ, if you will?

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08 Jun 02 - 12:13 AM (#725796)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Sorcha

(A tired fiddle player staggers in)----PLEASE pull me a Guinness, barmaid. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, thanks. Spent the evening gigging for the "Studebaker Enthusiast Rally"........holy mice! Had the band booked for 30 minutes.......played for hour and a half.....got full price for the hour and a half instead of the half hour contract too! Plus a "hat"! Sheesh, I'm tired. Doing an "Art in the Park" thingie tomorrow. (Ask for sunshine--no canopy/shade etc.

I guess I could manage one tune............(launches into Ayazein, a Turkish melody for the belly dancer)

Hey, Kim--git outta that outfit and let's play some foot stompin music and wake up the mice!!

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08 Jun 02 - 02:04 AM (#725841)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Chip2447

The fat guy with the brindled beard, (one of the many), hobbles in.

"A round for the house if ya please, and a pint of Stout fer meself."

This tavern/pub/roadhouse continues to surprise and amaze him. Drunken rodents, belly dancers, and fiddlers...
"They'll server anyone in here." he thought to himself; "My kinda establishment."
He sat at the bar and started picking up scattered beer nuts, ever mindfull of the mouse. Suddenly an evil and entirely sexist thought came to mind. He waited paitently until the fiddler had finished the Middle Eastern tune. Pulling his tiniest ocarina from his pocket he began to play a suitable Irish jig for the belly dancer to dance a suitable Irish jug....oops I mean jig to...
Chip2447, the fat guy with the brindled beard who plays ocarinas...

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08 Jun 02 - 02:11 AM (#725845)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: katlaughing

And here ya had me thinking 'twas the ocarina being played fer the wee little mousie to bellydance to!**BG**

Thanks for the MUSIC, Sorcha!

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08 Jun 02 - 03:05 AM (#725863)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Liz the Squeak

Is my tongue furry or did I eat the cat?

Please keep the ocarina to a minimum, I've spent all night in what feels like a bag of grapefruits, too squishy to be uncomfortable, too hard to be comfortable.... and there was this terrible jingling sound..... I dreamt about some large Southern lady standing on a chair... does anyone know who Taaammaaaas is?

Yours,

Squeaky Lust.

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08 Jun 02 - 03:10 AM (#725865)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull

what does emboldend mean/.john

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08 Jun 02 - 03:18 AM (#725870)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Liz the Squeak

Watch the Simpsons, it's like embiggened, but different.

LTS

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08 Jun 02 - 03:42 AM (#725871)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Chip2447

The ocarinageek puts the tiny ocarina, and brings forth the mighty bass one, with its hauntingly, meloncholic soft tone in deference to the Squeaks ruff nite...
Chip2447

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08 Jun 02 - 05:03 AM (#725892)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: John MacKenzie

Mouses distant relation staggers into the bar, clutching his side, blood pouring through his little paws, and dripping onto the bar-room floor. "Got hurt bad by a mean old tom-cat, think I'm a goner" he said. No there's a doctor in the bar, we'll save you, all we need is a spare mouse organ.
Exit stage left to the sound of harps.......Giok

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08 Jun 02 - 05:27 AM (#725898)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Nigel Parsons

Following explicit instructions from Kat, one of the Welsh sheep-lovers present actually attempts to "Bugger the bloody mouse", and finds that even he cannot stoop that low! (very old joke).
He starts softly singing "Paham mae dicter o Myfanwy" and is silenced by being given a pint of Guinness. This could become habit forming...

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08 Jun 02 - 06:12 AM (#725907)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Gareth

"Ehhh ! How did I get here - The last thing I remember this morning was leaving the "Royal Oak" and admiring the sunrise"

The Welshman stops and tries to focus on the pint of Guiness in front of him. He see's two pints, reaches out and tries to decide which one to drink first. He falls asleep dreaming of his fair ewe.

Gareth

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08 Jun 02 - 06:32 AM (#725915)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: gnu

The medics arrive just in time. Miraculously, when they learn that a mouse organ is required, they just happen to be transporting two blues hearts. They perform crude but effective surgery with the spare part and the wee mouse drinks again.

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08 Jun 02 - 06:38 AM (#725919)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: DMcG

"And so we walk that dusty road
That's the longest in the land:
From the Old Half Moon to the Rising Sun
With our pint pots in our hand"

We have got a PEL, haven't we?

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08 Jun 02 - 07:42 AM (#725940)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Nigel Parsons

We have a 'virtual' PEL I've got it here in my vitual hand!

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08 Jun 02 - 12:45 PM (#726053)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: SINSULL

Victual hand? Or virtual hand?????
Pinot Grigio, ice cold. I'll be at the table in the back discussing he Donner Party and the virtues of eating kin with Mousethief.And Morty, when Jen gets here, make sure she washes her hands up to her elbows!

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08 Jun 02 - 04:21 PM (#726132)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Morticia

Well dammit, I'n beginning not to care if she washes or not, I've just done double shift, hauled crates of jello,served every kind of living thing sentient and dubious,fished wildlife out of the comestibles and prevented our celtic friend there from acts of perversion that are bound to get him talked about.....who do I have to sleep with to get out of this chicken outfit?

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08 Jun 02 - 04:29 PM (#726133)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: artbrooks

Well, Morticia, there IS a Spaw "happy birthday" thread....never mind, you are obviously too nice a person. There's a guy outside driving a SUV looking for a Bud Light. Anybody ever hear of such a thing?

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08 Jun 02 - 06:15 PM (#726179)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Amos

Well Morty, I am much too much a gentleman to answer your question, but I won't say I wasn't tempted!

A

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08 Jun 02 - 07:48 PM (#726254)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: gnu

Outside ? I've been here waiting for my TTB... all the while sipping on my Bud... wait, that didn't sound right... Budweiser... light. And it's not an SUV. It's a truck. Can't carry four ladders and tools in a petit bidette.

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08 Jun 02 - 07:59 PM (#726260)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: gnu

Are you guys going to turn on the hockey or what ? The search for Lord Stanley's Cup is on in a few minutes. After that, it's time for Mikey to chow down again. I heard Lennox had his ears pierced just for this fight. Of course, it's not like old "#15 felt" Mikey has to care a lot about his handsome smile.

Well, if you're gonna keep the big screen on the arts channel, I'm gonna go watch the game with the lads. Careful that cat don't hurt that wee mouse. And keep Spaw out of the jello eh !

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08 Jun 02 - 08:20 PM (#726272)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Gareth

" Ah Myfanwy - Myfanwy - Where are Ewe ?? - I promise that mouse was just a passing fancy !!"

There was no reply, just a lingering smell of Lanolin, and a faint bleating "Oh You've been a Baaaaaaah'd boy"

Gareth

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09 Jun 02 - 04:09 AM (#726401)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Hrothgar

He just sits there, waiting for hees sheep to come een.

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09 Jun 02 - 10:33 AM (#726517)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: artbrooks

Day has broken, and a scruffy, unshaven bodhran player wonders in. {'tis true, ALL bodhran players are scruffy and unshaven, even the women} "Where is ever'body?", he says. "Miss Kat opened up this place TWO DAYS AGO, but its still aufu quiet. Did they all go to Harry's Sports Bar to watch the World Cup?"

He picks up an unfinished pint of Guiness {does anybody REALLY drink that stuff?} and pours a bit inside his drum to soften up the head. When he achieves the perfect tone, slightly deeper than the one you get from banging on a plastic pail, he picks up his beater and begins to tap out a sprightly jig. The mouse crawls out of the jar of beer nuts and begins to dance. "Sevens and threes, you little bugger!" the bodhran player exclaims.

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09 Jun 02 - 11:57 AM (#726543)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Liz the Squeak

I'm a f**kin mouse fer Chrissakes, you try doing 7+3s with a tail and a grade II listed hangover to the bass ocarina and bodhran....... Cheesus, someone get me some gorgonzola to play in..... or a pair of Spaw's shorts, they smell about the same..... And as for the PEL, who needs one, this sure ain't entertaining.....

Oh, and those little black bits in the Bombay Mix? Well let's just say it ain't caraway seed....

Rus

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09 Jun 02 - 12:01 PM (#726546)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Liz the Squeak

That was shupposed to be Rusty Squeak, but the bloody bodhran went into triple jig and I fell off the shide of this glassh of ginishhhhhhhh........

Juno, that ocacaracarina looks like big Bertha from behind the kitchen sink.... shesh a big moush. I don't like the way that hairy guy is blowin up her ass......

Squirty Leak

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09 Jun 02 - 12:04 PM (#726548)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: SINSULL

Stop it! Stop that goddamn racket! JeezLouise! It's Sunday morning. Keep it down.

Tyson lost; the mouse won; and we are all trying to get a few hours quiet before Spaw's birthday bash begins. Morty? Did you order the Turkey Turd and 6' sub - half American/half British? Can't imagine who is going to eat Marmite coated haggis but...
The cat mistook the jello pit for a kitty litter. Someone better get that mess sorted out before Big Mick arrives. Nice of Art Thieme to send over the day-glo condoms. Blown up with helium, they make a festive display with just the right touch of raunchy.

OK. Now for some coffee and the Sunday Times Crossword. Then let the games begin!

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09 Jun 02 - 12:11 PM (#726554)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Liz the Squeak

It's morning??????

Boy have I been shleeping in the wrong cleavage.....

Nice to know I won.... what did I win? And why ish my tail in a shplint??

Squeaky Wrist.

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09 Jun 02 - 02:42 PM (#726621)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: GUEST

art brooks: yes, people do really do drink Guinness. And as for your comment about it softening the 'head', this is usually after 10 or more pints!

Nigel

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09 Jun 02 - 03:11 PM (#726638)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: artbrooks

The bodhran player heads for the head...finds that the porcelain facility has been softened by too much used Guinness...comes back out and finds the mouse beating the cat over the head with his tipper...

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09 Jun 02 - 03:35 PM (#726660)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Liz the Squeak

Wow, didn't realise it was that big..... what was in that ginnish? Where's that Big Bertha gone??

Lusty Squash

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09 Jun 02 - 03:42 PM (#726669)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: John MacKenzie

Long time passing

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09 Jun 02 - 03:46 PM (#726677)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Nigel Parsons

Is that "Long time passing" in "the head" ?

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10 Jun 02 - 12:41 PM (#727037)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: MMario

A bleary eyed peasant with a bucket in hand staggers through the door and peers about.

And I thought *I* was tired after the weekend! I was going to dump some tunes out of me bucket, but I don't think there's anyone conscious around here...

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10 Jun 02 - 01:24 PM (#727048)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: GUEST,Blake Madison

...Four Roses, straight no chaser. And keep 'em coming. I'll need all that and more to solve the murder of Three Hands. This one's been gnawing at me for a long time now. If you see Martel, do me a favor and put a bullet between his eyes. Trust me, he won't be missed and Pest Control, Inc. is likely to pin a medal on you for ridding the world of one huge, filthy rat.

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10 Jun 02 - 02:17 PM (#727057)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: GUEST,Blake Madison

...oh, and bring that belly dancer another pint of Guinness on me and ask her if I can get a closer look at that tattoo. It just might be the inspiration I need to get a fresh perspective on this murder mystery....

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10 Jun 02 - 03:30 PM (#727089)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Kim C

Which tattoo? There's more than one. Perhaps the little hummingbird on me ankle holds a key in her wee wings...

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10 Jun 02 - 05:43 PM (#727160)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: GUEST

Yes, intriguing - the artist was good with a needle. Who wouldn't be with a canvas like that? But does your hummingbird sing? What I need is answers.

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10 Jun 02 - 05:45 PM (#727163)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: GUEST,Blake Madison

...said Blake.

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10 Jun 02 - 11:27 PM (#727258)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Steve in Idaho

The sound of an 88 cubic inch Harley stopping at the door woke 'em all up.

"Whatdafuk" said the mouse? Lookin' through the dusty streams of light coming in the door. They all turned to see the traveler ease off the trail worn seat and come to the door. He was past his prime and the leathers he wore had seen the asphalt a time or two. He had a slight limp to his gait - probably from a wreck somewhere past - but he stood straight up. Blue/grey eyes, a three day dusting of grey and brown whiskers, and a patch on the lower part of his coat that read - "In Memory of the 58,000."

The door creaked slightly as he walked in. With a tight grin he asked for a glass of ice water.

With a nod of approval he motioned to the fiddler near the stage and started tapping his foot in time with the music. The drunks down the bar, and where in the hell did that mouse come from, all smiled a return to his wordless greeting. Seemed if it had been a hundred years earlier he'd of been on a wild assed stallion and carying a 32-20 Colt strapped low to his hip.

As he sipped his water he dreamed of a time in the past when he used to get up on those stages and play for the crowd. But his old guitar had been hocked last year to cover the rebuild costs on a motor gone bad in the Arizona desert.

As his gaze continued to caress the seemingly familiar room he noticed a nice looking lady sweeping up the place - could it be? NO? He hadn't seen or spoken to her for better'n 15 years. But sure as all get out - it was his sister Katherine. She hadn't noticed WHO it was - just that some guy was here making the customers nervous.

He laughed inside - Damn - if she remembers me there'll be hell to pay today. He was bettin' she hadn't forgotten the last time the two of them were together. She had been plenty upset that he hadn't come home for their Dad's funeral. But crap - me and the Old Man didn't get along anyway. But she had still chewed his ass good when she caught up with him. And he wasn't sure she'd foregiven him for dumping his first wife. Sis and Jackie had been good friends - but the woman was a two-timer from the gitgo and he'd done his time for bustin' up the guy he'd caught her with.

Well maybe he'd just keep his gaze down, drink his water, and ease on out before she noticed. But dam - that fiddler is very good. If I just had a guitar - And it's really a nice place. Not fancy - but worn smooth and clean. Maybe - just maybe - - - -

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11 Jun 02 - 12:27 AM (#727289)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Ebbie

An elderly but thpry woman thridth in wif an old guitar hooked under her hand. She layth her guitar thafely out of harmth way, thlipth her leg over the thtool clotheth to the door, and callth for her onth a year Guinneth.

She turnth on the thtool and thurveyth the muthicianth at da ovver end of da bar.

She callth, "Pleath thing me a Thong!"

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11 Jun 02 - 01:28 AM (#727306)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Liz the Squeak

OI!! Quit pokin me.... that ain't no tatoo of roadkill, that's me!! The silly bint sat down and rested her boobs on the bartop.... Give us a minute.... Phrooar... Geez, it was worth it though.... Now, where's the leather bloke? I got me a hankering for a bit of roughage.... all this guinness is doing dreadful things to me innards....

Hang on, Oi, no!! I can do it meself, I don't need the vet... NO, get that rubber glove AWAY FROM MEE!!!!!!!!!

Squashy Lush

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12 Jun 02 - 01:13 AM (#728103)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: GUEST,DW at work, but wishing he wasn't!

What is this thing? Can I still get a beer even at 1.00am?

Why is there a mouse in that womans' butt cleavege?

Is this the right sort of thing for this place? If so, I think I found my heaven. It's kinda like the Goon shows, Monty Python and Seinfeld all rolled into the best little whorehouse in Texas.....

Just keep the noise down, I'm supposed to be on silent running.....

DW

---

12 Jun 02 - 01:28 AM (#728109)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Lonesome EJ

Blake, you ragged bastard! Wish I could say it was good to see you, but its not really good...just different. Glad to know there are still some things you can't count on. Believe me pal, you're better off in some kind of Private Dick limbo, because I'm not sure you'll ever make it out of Algiers. Like Spillane said, Hell is more than a Life Sentence.

---

12 Jun 02 - 01:30 AM (#728111)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Liz the Squeak

DW - you made me spill my cornflakes - Monty Python, Goon show meets the best little whorehouse!!!

HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

If my terminal gets stuck with soggy breakfast cereal, I shall expect you to come and fix it!!

LTS

---

12 Jun 02 - 03:40 AM (#728141)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: GUEST,Yorkshire Tony

As Liz is blowing cornflakes and milk out of her nose, th door opens again and a bedraggled, bearded figure enters the establishment. Attired for hiking, he looks as if he has spent most of the night lost on a Yorkshire moor and suffering frequent encounters with peat bogs - as indeed he has. Always indecisive, he orders a pint of Guinness and a pint of IPA, drinks half of each, then mixes the remainders together to see if that has any better effect. Dumping his rucksack against the bar, he extracts an aged tortoiseshell cat, who gives the mouse a friendly nod and sidles over to lap up Liz's spilt milk and cornflakes. Refreshed by this fourth pint of IPA he then borrows Ebbies guitar and attempts to tune it. Failing miserably, he nevertheless starts to sing something which sounds almost, but not entirely, totally unlike and early Watersons number.

---

12 Jun 02 - 11:01 AM (#728313)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: katlaughing

(LOL @ EEbbie!)

Kat was still sweeping. It seemed every person who came through the damned door brought half the county in with them. It was so dry out there, this year. Seemed to make them drink more, too, which was good for business, though she sure hoped that Bert's credit card held out with this crew. They were big on drinking and only slightly so on pickin'. She blamed it on the mouse.

As she worked her way over towards the bar, her eye happened to light on the corner of someone's leathers, down low on the rung of a barstool. She read "In memory of the 58,000." Her eyes narrowed as she raised them, taking in the scruffy, road-weary clothes, the wind-blown hair, the beard, the eyes and then she bellowed, "Jaysus and key-riced on a crutch! You sorry sumbitch!! Where the hell have you been?! Why, I ought to! Do you KNOW what you left me with? Holding the bag of daddy with all those awful aunts hanging around, his ashes leaking out 'cause of the cheap plastic the funeral home used! You've got your nerve coming here! JEN! My iron skillet, if you please! I've got some vermin to knock about! And, it's Kathleen, you two-legged, iron-straddlin', dust-encrusted, woman-dumping excuse for a..." with that she seemed to run out of steam. Dropping her broom, she waited for Jen to bring her skillet, fighting hard to keep the tears from her eyes. "Give me a shot, barkeep and make it fast," she said.

---

12 Jun 02 - 11:08 AM (#728319)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: katlaughing

As she waited and glanced around, Kat strangthened her resolve. She'd seen that dick, Blake Madison, too, and she knew that spelled Trouble with a capital "T".

---

12 Jun 02 - 11:13 AM (#728324)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: MMario

which rhymes with "G" and stands for "Guiness!"

---

12 Jun 02 - 12:07 PM (#728379)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: MMario

suddenly the air was filled with music - not your normal bar music, or even the folk-stuff commonly found here at the MudCat Tavern - no - this was slightly reminiscent of ... YES! OLD TIME MOVING PICTURE PIANO ACCOMPIANMENT!

and the tension mounted.

---

12 Jun 02 - 12:14 PM (#728382)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Little Hawk

Shane McB____ (otherwise known as Blind DRunk in Blind River) staggers in from the street, gazes around blearily, attempts to walk through the wallpaper on his left, lands unceremoniously on his butt, and lies there for a few moments collecting his wits...a job rather akin to looking for a needle in a very large haystack.

Eventually he succeeds in getting back on his feet. He is as drunk as a boiled owl, and about as attractive as one too. His baseball cap, backwards and somewhat askew, bears the legend "GO LEAFS GO!!!". The recent demise of the Leafs' latest attempt at winning the Stanley Cup has given Shane a good reason to drown his numerous sorrows, and he is out looking for cheap entertainment (what other kind is there for a guy on permanent welfare?).

He takes in the bar slowly, eyeing the various overage folkies and the drunken mouse, and the other characters. "Buncha losers..." he mutters, and wipes his hand across his mouth (in case he might've drooled).

"So..." he says (Belch!)..."like...where are the BABES???"

- LH

---

12 Jun 02 - 12:53 PM (#728423)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: katlaughing

"Ah," she said, tears streaming down her face. "Ya idjit, didja stop to think we thought you dead, too?" With that, she stepped into his encirling arms and wrapped him in a hug of her own. After a moment, she pushed him to arms' length and said, "Now let me get a proper look at you. Hmmm...could do with a bath, definitely need one before we let you in the jello pit...bit of a shave, why-oh-why is every man in here bearded? Is it some sort of species? The Bearded Folkie? Oh, Bro, mine eyes have seen your glory and it ain't much at the moment, sweetie. Dang you, anyhow. Now, come sit down over there and tell me where in the hell you've been all these years. Did you forget how to use a phone?!"

They walked over to a table, pulled the chairs out. Kat had a slightly bemused smile on her face. The music continued on with a slow air and she felt her heart open up with all kinds of happy contentment.

"Just a sec, Bro," she hollered over to the IPA drinker, "If yer fur-laden lady friend would like some company, the House Cat is entertaining out on the back porch."

"And, you, yes, you," she pointed at the latest to drag through the door. "Listen up, this here is a music bar, sports-free and we don't have any "Babes." But, we do have good stout and gen-yew-wine wimmin, so if you want to park your sorry butt down and enjoy, even lend a tune or two, you are welcome! Now, Bro, where were we?"

---

12 Jun 02 - 03:08 PM (#728562)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Steve in Idaho

He sipped his beer and began to talk about the last several years. The movie piano changed to a John Hartford tune - "Steamboat Whistle Blues." He'd chased no dreams - just tried to scratch the itch in his foot. But he never did get "Blind River" out of his memory. Always knew in his heart that he'd come back someday. The fear of not having any family left, or those that were wouldn't let him back, always kept him outside the loop.

It was good to see Shane McB hadn't changed. The first time he'd seen him drunk was in the first grade - the teacher had put McB in the corner with a dunce hat on because he was caught sneaking under her desk for a peek at her panties. If he hadn't farted while crawling under he'd of got away with it too! It felt good to see the old routine still operating. Lots of UK folks too. How the hell they got there was always a mystery - but they were nice people. Except for that wicked stuff they liked to drink.

Now this Buttwiper - that was a good beer!

And the music had improved. This fiddler - and the guitar guy (if he'd just learn to tune the damn thing) were making some pretty good dancing music. The mouse was loving it!

And then the answer to the question he'd been most afraid to ask . . . . .

And now folks we'd like to take this opportunity to pause for a refreshing stretch. Toilet's in the rear, bar's open (of course), and our concession stand has lots of goodies to entice even the most discriminating palate. And now for intermission break is the 'Dirty Ernie Review' playing a medley of those best loved tunes by "Cryin' Bob Haslett." We'll be back!

---

12 Jun 02 - 03:15 PM (#728567)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: MMario

(slight digression) - The mudcat Tavern is accessible from the entire world - it may have a temporary identifiable locale somewhere - but you may find access from anywhere in the world. Under normal conditions the barbecue pit and picknic area is out the back door to the left; just behind the bush.

---

12 Jun 02 - 03:32 PM (#728577)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: GUEST,Blake Madison

...damn, (mutter, mutter) .... you'd think from all places, I could (mutter) ...at least get a little divine inspiration from my Creator .... from He who has all the answers - 'In Him all things are possible' yeah, right! This is what's called 'losing your religion.'

But these are the facts, and they are undisputed: Three Hands was not only a stellar blues artist. Unlike his predecessors, he was a virtual Einstein when it came to business matters. If he'd not picked up a guitar first, he probably would've been playing in the business big leagues with the likes of the Donald et al. He was that good.

When his records began to sell, he picked up the option to buy stock in the company that signed him. That company was absorbed by an outfit called Ho-Hum Entertainment, a division of a Japanese concern, So-So Amalgamated.... Merger, hostile takeover, whatever; over time the value of the stocks went up.

Thing is, there was another stockholder who would've profited big time by selling short if a tragic accident, like the death of a star performer, sent the value of the stocks into the crapper. Too bad I can't ask that stockholder some questions - then again, the answers he would've given me probably would've forced me to kill him myself, for I used to call him 'friend.'

Not that he actually did the dirty deed himself. He was too sophisticated for that. Enter Martel. "And the band played on...."

Oh, and God, if you're still listening, I know you're familiar with this quote from a Frost-y tongued poet:

"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me."

Four Roses please, straight up no chaser. And keep 'em coming.

---

12 Jun 02 - 03:47 PM (#728584)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Ebbie

Dang, folkth! My Martin thtayth in tune motht of da time. Jutht becauth thom man automatically tunth everding he geth hold of and dothn't know how to get it back in tune..! Give it here!

---

12 Jun 02 - 04:04 PM (#728592)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: John MacKenzie

Long time pithing!!

---

12 Jun 02 - 04:07 PM (#728601)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: mousethief

The tall stranger at the corner of the bar suddenly noticed that the mouse was missing from his bowl of beer nuts. Shortly thereafter, patrons buying prepackaged concessions from the concessionaire noticed that the packages were empty and there was a small hole in the back of each.

A stuffed-full mouse, with chocolate and peanut butter crumbs on his whiskers, collapses into the beer nuts bowl, saying shrillly, "'Losing my religion' is a southernism for getting angry!" before passing into a pleasant slumber.

---

12 Jun 02 - 04:20 PM (#728610)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Steve in Idaho

There stood Blake and Kim - Blake just could not figure out how the wings on the Hummingbird worked on her trim ankle. But work it did. It was obvious that Blake had his hands full - with the unsolved murder of Three Hands that is - but was going to some extraordinary lengths to attend to the Tattooed Lady Herself.

Meanwhile back at the table

Liz had cleansed herself of the corn flake dust and was squeaking about roughage of some sort. All the time her jiggling kept the men trying to see around the bottom of their drinks. Ah Liz - as a kid she was a prankster - and she knew how to make the lads drool. Nothing like watered down Ale to calm things down a bit. HA!!

But Martel coming in changed everything. It was a totally different ball game and that damned piano music was back. Everyone knew that Blake wanted Martel dead. Kat and the biker got up and moved to the rear of the room - the biker reaching inside his coat - - Liz close behind - - -

The silence roared - except for that damned piano -

---

12 Jun 02 - 04:22 PM (#728617)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Steve in Idaho

Tension mounted her

---

12 Jun 02 - 05:38 PM (#728671)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Little Hawk

As soon as Shane realized "Hey, these people are buyin'!" he revised his "loser" assessment to "nice buncha people"...

Three IPA's later, he began to see Babes all over the place, strangely enough...

Things were lookin' up. He started planning his next brilliant move...

- LH

---

12 Jun 02 - 05:52 PM (#728681)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Nigel Parsons

The itinerant Welshman returned, this time carrying an inflatable sheep (readily available in South Wales), as he'd given up on the mouse. He was still singing, but no-one was listening. He ordered another pint of Guinness to show solidarity with one of the football teams. Unfortunately, this was his tenth pint, and he was unsure which football team he was supporting.
He found an unoccupied bar stool, and gingerly lowered himself onto the floor. There he started to snore! He may have been singing, but no-one could tell the difference.

---

12 Jun 02 - 05:58 PM (#728688)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: mousethief

The mouse breathed a sigh of relief seeing the Welshman had given up on him, knowing full well what they do to inflatable sheep in South Wales (and New South Wales, if rumours be true!).

---

12 Jun 02 - 06:38 PM (#728725)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Morticia

Watching the impending slight unpleasantness gather itself in one corner of the room, Morticia reached for her trusty pool cue (the one with the nails tapped in) and hefted the weight of it comfortably in her hand.Any sudden moves toward one of her cash paying customers or her prized and trusted cleaner and someone would realise very quickly and painfully that it was not good to fuck with this particular Marine.

---

12 Jun 02 - 06:40 PM (#728726)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: mousethief

The mouse promptly falls back asleep, once again spilling soggy beer nuts all over the south end of the bar.

---

12 Jun 02 - 06:50 PM (#728730)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Gareth

Errr ! Nigel - I never left the Tavern.

The itinerate Welshman returned to his slumbers, dreaming of the days of GLORY in the Arms Park, with the English defence collapsing under the thrust of the Pontypool front row, with the massed choir of the North Enclosure singing "Hymns & Arias". A pool ball bounced passed him, he instictively caught it, and still asleep spun a hospital pass to the mouse.

---

12 Jun 02 - 06:55 PM (#728733)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: mousethief

The bowl of beer nuts explodes into a spray of nuts as the mouse takes the pool ball in the abs.

Winded momentarily, he staggers around in his now-empty bowl, several feet down the bar from where he went to sleep (momentum'll do that to you!) while the pool ball continues sailing down the bar, smashing the beer glass of the tall stranger. By sign language (he still is too winded to talk) the mouse makes the barkeep aware that he wants another Guinness, which he promptly downs in one prodigious gulp (which nearly doubles his weight); he then staggers off to talk to the sleeping Welshman.

---

12 Jun 02 - 07:13 PM (#728751)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: artbrooks

The seedy bodhran player (is there any other kind?) came back from his trip to the bush in the back yard. The stranger asked him "why the hell didn't you just use the can?", and he replied "there is a lady of quite considerable size in there nibbling on a chocolate motorcycle". He pulled out his drum and began playing along with the piano and the out-of-tune guitar. Well...he was playing at the same time that they were, but you couldn't really say he was playing along...

Kat and her brother the biker grunt came on out of the corner where they had been in a VERY close embrace for the past several hours...huummm...lots of things to catch up on....

---

12 Jun 02 - 07:15 PM (#728752)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: GUEST,Yorkshire Tony

Relinquishing Ebbies' guitar, which is now in something vaguely resembling DADBAD (or is that just dang bad) tuning the bedragled hiker is now assisting Mario to convert the piano into a Northumbrian Folk Piano with a box of drawing pins and a hammer (anyone remmember seeing the Ranters do that one?). This done he attempts an old Max Boyce song in the hopes that Taffy might buy him a beer but noticing that Taffy is now sound asleep in the arms of his inflatable ewe attempts to organise a dance. His elderly cat pricks up here ears at the words BBQ and saunters out the back to see if there are any scraps. The house cat makes a pass at her but she thumps him with her pension book and he goes off muttering about females with tattoos.

---

12 Jun 02 - 07:50 PM (#728771)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Little Hawk

Shane carefully scans the bar for the hottest Babe in the joint, finally settling on Pocahontas, the cigar store wooden Indian maiden in the corner near the jukebox. He takes a deep breath, pushes his baseball cap back to a jauntier angle, thus exposing the lozenge-shaped tan mark on his forehead, and approaches her...

She shows no reaction. "She's playin' it cool," he thinks. "Them kind are the really hot ones once ya break the ice..."

He sidles up to her casually and trips over the roving pool ball, landing flat on his face at her feet, and spilling his beer. "Flip MEEEEE!!!" he yells, forlornly.

Staggering back to his feet, Shane checks out his beer. 95% of it is gone. "Aw, PLOTZ!!!" He considers sucking the remains up out of the carpet, but even Shane has some scruples.

"So, like, how's it goin', eh?" he remarks to Pocahontas, who stares woodenly past his shoulder. "Betcha that looked real, eh? I used ta, like, be a stunt man in Hollywood, and fall off roofs and stuff. You mighta seen me in Spiderman, eh? I was in the scene with the wrestling. Hey, d' you like wrestling? I've, like, got all the wrestling mags y' can spit at over t' my place, eh? Y' wanna come and see 'em?"

A pause... ("This one really plays it cool" thinks Shane.)

"Hey, get this girl a flippin' beer!" he yells. "It's on me."

- LH

---

12 Jun 02 - 08:14 PM (#728799)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Ebbie

With a miffed< HUMPH! the aged woman thitting by herthelf at the bar nurthing her dird Guinneth rethcuth her guitar from the reckleth handth of the increathingly bedraggled Yorkshireman. She givth the Martin a thwift onth-over and dethidth dat dere ith no harm done. Her thmile turnth vaguely benign. She callth out again, Pleath! Thomebody thing a thong a body can hear!

---

12 Jun 02 - 08:25 PM (#728806)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: artbrooks

The bedraggled bodhran player (is there any other kind) hears the plaintive plea of the old broad at the bar and begins to sing "Broom of the Cowdenowes", providing his own accompaniment. Luckily for her, the old dear had dropped her hearing aid in her beer, so she didn't notice that he was singing off-key and mangling his attempt at a Yorkshire dialect. Unfortunately for him, the rest of the patrons could hear him quite well enough. Taking a quick caucus, they decided on the worst possible punishment for a gentleman of discernment...they made him drink an entire pint of Guinness!

He staggered out of the pub....

---

12 Jun 02 - 08:41 PM (#728821)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Yorkshire Tony

YT takes up where Art left off - the singing is still off-key but at least the accent is genuine. He then starts rambling about not seeing what all this excitement is about thongs - he saw lots of blokes and shielas in thongs on his last visit to Australia and didn't find the cheap rubber footwear at all tittilating - you can't even walk through a decent peat bog in them without risking losing them forever. As for sheep - he didn't see any inflatable ones like Taffy's in NSW but heard many strange things about New Zealanders.

---

12 Jun 02 - 11:08 PM (#728895)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Ebbie

The old broad laughth.

---

13 Jun 02 - 12:59 AM (#728930)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: GUEST,DW at work again

Geez, I really worry about you guys.... I may have to report this place to my buddy Beardyman over at the clinic.

Did anyone help the mouse? That amount of Guinness can't be good for a human, let alone a rodent, especially one that's tried to screw an ocarina.

And what's with the inflatable sheep all over the place? Move it bud, I can't see that Liz's butt jiggle, and it would be a damn shame to miss that, just the right amount of shimmy (if this is the same Liz from a "calendar" I've seen).

DW

---

13 Jun 02 - 01:20 AM (#728943)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: wysiwyg

I don't have a thong and I don't want one. I haven't been drinking and I don't want a drink. I haven;t read the whole damn thread to see what the latest cute in-jokes are, and I don't want to. At the present moment (and apparently for some of the previous hours or so), I am not nice, helpful, understanding, smart, or responsible, and I don't want to be. And I don't want anyone to act that way toward me, particularly, either, altho it would be nice if no one was an asshole toward me for just a few fucking seconds.

I just want to stand here and scream till I don't feel like screaming anymore, and no, I do not have an estimate how long that may take. It's well above the pitch or volume of a whine, and it's WAY past a rant.

What's the fucking fine for THAT? Some other idiot can pay it for me because I don't have any money unless I scrape it off the floor of the car, and that's my mad money.

Is THIS why good joints have jukeboxes, so when I feel like this I can DANCE?

~Susan

---

13 Jun 02 - 02:58 AM (#728966)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Ebbie

Whuh?

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13 Jun 02 - 03:52 AM (#728983)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Nigel Parsons

A loud SCREAM is heard throughout the bar, apparently emmanating from a non drinker. Amazingly, the scream is in key with the Bodhran player's singing (or his singing is sufficiently out of key to match the scream!).

---

13 Jun 02 - 08:26 AM (#729083)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: artbrooks

The whiskery bodhran player (is there any other kind) sidles over and gives the strange lady a hug {{{SUSAN}}}...kinda looked liked she needed one...

---

13 Jun 02 - 08:28 AM (#729085)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: MMario

Primal scream room (with cozy chairs for collapsing in afterwards) is second door on the right. or scream here - no one will probably mind.

---

13 Jun 02 - 10:38 AM (#729160)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: wysiwyg

Whew! Boy do I feel better! Thanks guys!

~Susan

---

13 Jun 02 - 12:53 PM (#729261)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Little Hawk

Shane has finally given up trying to make time with the wooden Indian maiden, and has retired sullenly to a nearby booth, from which he glowers at the world morosely.

"Stuck-up skank," he mutters. "Wouldn't even talk ta me."

"This town is fulla losers," he observes, to no one in particular. Just then, in walks his brother Don, sweaty and unshaven. "And that proves it!" says Shane.

"Hey!" says Don. "What're ya drinkin'?" He plunks himself down opposite Shane. His prematurely bald forehead gleams from under his backwards baseball cap, emblazoned with the motto "Life Stinks and So Do You!"

"Well, it ain't moose juice," replies Shane. "I'm drinkin' Canadian."

"Way to go," says Don. "Y' c'n take the beer outta the country, but y' can't take the country outta the beer!"

Shane is struck dumb. He hates to admit it, but his brother Don has just said something totally and awesomely brilliant and true! This could be the end of the world as we know it...

- LH

---

13 Jun 02 - 03:10 PM (#729393)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: katlaughing

Breaking away from her brotherly reunion, Kat quietly slipped down the side hall to the powder room. Once there, she locked the door. She looked in the mirror and saw a mawkish-looking charwoman, hair up in a dowdy cap, glasses perched on her nose. As she lifted the cap, the mousey coloured hair went with it to reveal a long braid coiled on top. It swung free down her back as she shook out her bangs/fringe. Grasping the top velcro fastening of her peasant's blouse, she ripped it away, her skirt attached. Underneath she wore black cotton pants, a black turtleneck, and black Ninja shoes. She picked up her broom, opened the closet and put it away. In its stead, she came away with a long sword, unsheathed. Now, Mssr. Mad-ee-zone, let us see what yew do wi' dis she thought in her affected French accent. She cast out with her mind's eye, wondering if that big lug of a Bro of hers was ready..he'd done a good job of faking their enstrangement.Ah, haha..zo, zer yew are...ready or not...here I comb!

With that, she sprang out the door, raced down the hallway, leaped into the center of the dance floor, screaming at the top of her lungs, "Tout vient a point a qui sait attendre, Mad-ee-zone*! Now, yew are mine!" She started slashing the air in the detective's direction...La Madame Tension mounted her revenge campaign!


* everything comes in time to him who knows how to wait

---

13 Jun 02 - 04:05 PM (#729435)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: DMcG

A patient-looking waiter is standing expectantly in the corner... nothing happens.

---

13 Jun 02 - 04:10 PM (#729438)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Steve in Idaho

And from his coat he attempted to pull, what his Sis had thought to be a gun (hence the long struggle) (what the hey - vice is nice but incest is best), but

NOT

It was a harmonica in the key of B minor -

The Bluegrass guys stopped in stunned silence

The drunken folkies got even louder - (bless their little pea-pickers) - off key but no one noticed.

The ruse had worked!!!

Sis was tearin' them up with her artful sword display while he had silenced the faster crowd with the Harmonica!

All had begun to wretch at the Bodhran players sleasy disguise - and is there any other kind? - NO - -

Out of tune, out of time, and out of season the Moose appeared in the doorway and none was ready - even Shane and Don were unconfused - -

And the thong on everyone's mind was . . . . . His Last Thought Prior to the Pool Cue's Angled Approach to His Head - - - - Ah Shit - - Sis is gonna be PO'd . . .and, This is Gonna Hurt . . . All legendary country tunes that were so uncalled for that even his leathers were turning up their noses. . . .

MY GOD

no wonder the lady was screaming!!!!

Is there no end to the madness?????

---

13 Jun 02 - 04:17 PM (#729444)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: MMario

NO! AAARGGGHHH*

Not the BARNEY SONG!

*

Your wife is a fat hippo

---

13 Jun 02 - 04:21 PM (#729448)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Steve in Idaho

Your wife is a Hippo Nah nah nah nah nah nah!!!

There is no justice - -

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13 Jun 02 - 04:24 PM (#729450)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: MMario

Only on the counterwieght continent!

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13 Jun 02 - 05:18 PM (#729477)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: katlaughing

ASIDE:

You guys are NUTS!!

And, now back to our regularly scheduled Insanity (Spaw, are the beds ready at the NYCFTTS?):

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13 Jun 02 - 05:20 PM (#729478)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Liz the Squeak

I'm very very confushed.... gish anover gint of pinnish.

And shomeone get thish shcreaming woman a candy bar..

Shkwonky lisht

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13 Jun 02 - 06:42 PM (#729535)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: GUEST,DEATH

There is no justice - - "

NO, THERE IS ONLY ME

DEATH (and Binky)

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13 Jun 02 - 06:57 PM (#729540)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Yorkshire Tony

The sudden increase in decibels gets the attention of YT and his cat. YT gives up pondering the mysteries of why anyone would want to wear thongs in the jelly pit - they must like the feel of jelly between their toes - he would personally go for a good pair of wellies. His cat trots over to Susan and joins in the caterwauling - at last a song she can join in with! Then she rubs up against Susan's legs in sisterly empathy. YT is further amazed by Kat's sudden transformation - hey she hasn't got a bad body under that char-woman outfit - I wonder if she can do the running on air bit like in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Perhaps I could show her some of the more unusual techniques I learned in Tibet - or was it India?

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13 Jun 02 - 07:13 PM (#729554)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Gareth

The arrival of Binky, and his boney rider, caused a dampening in the Tavern. It resembled a banquet at the Unseen University. Fat bearded blokes in funny clothes. A mouse and a kat whitch talked. All that was missing was Ricewind.

All present, being Wizards at singing or thier own instruments, could see DEATH

DEATH strode up to the bar

A PINT OF GUINNESS PLEASE, I SEE YOU'VE REDECORATED THE DRUM SINCE MY LAST VISIT

The Barkeeper ignored DEATH

A PINT OF GUINNESS PLEASE

Still no response.

Binky has found the scattered Barnuts.

DEATH OF RATS had found the mouse, still bruised from the pool ball. He grinned and produced an egg timer from beneath his robe. Three pints of Guinness had emboldened the mouse.

"Wrong pub me old mate, this ain't the Mended Drum"

B****R said DEATH OF RATS

B****R said DEATH WE ARE IN THE WRONG UNIVERSE

Yes in the MUDCAT virtual Tavern DEATH shall have no dominion.

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13 Jun 02 - 07:14 PM (#729555)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: artbrooks

The confused and off the tempo bodhran player (is there any other kind) wonders back toward the bar. In a whiney sort of voice he asks the funny gal in the Zorro costume "is the jello ready? I brought my thong...and tell that bozo from the outback that a thong is a swim suit without a back and it ain't got nothing to do with feet. Yeah, that's right...a high class jock strap. And has anybody seen Alison? It won't be a jello roll without her?"

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13 Jun 02 - 07:24 PM (#729564)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: mousethief

The mouse is sleeping down by a leg of the pool table. The ocarina is feeling abandoned.

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13 Jun 02 - 08:18 PM (#729590)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Steve in Idaho

The biker surveys the scene - What's drunk isn't dead - and Death isn't drunk yet - so with justice a Nor'easterly blow he limps to the gate. . . er - door and steps outside.

Once again Ninja Kat and Biker Grunt have prevailed -

"The old I haven't seen you forever trick - gets them every time."

I think I hear my Mumsy "Callin Me Home" to "Old Virginy" - And danged if Mr. Monroe wouldn't agree -

With an inane laugh he leaps aboard his trusty steed - (Oh shit ouch - damned top rail -oh ow ow ow) Where in the Hell is the Bodhran player - he's the stunt double - it doesn't look good layin here in the dirt holding my crotch - ouch ouch ouch - shit dang .........

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13 Jun 02 - 09:41 PM (#729630)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Susan A-R

A pint of the black vile stuff please, Ah, same old jello pit, same old thongs, and the usual noise level. A catter can really relax here. All we need is a velcro wall and a few of spaw's doors.

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13 Jun 02 - 10:02 PM (#729640)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: katlaughing

And some of your cooking, Susan! How've ya been? A couple of us were just wondering about you the other day. Nice to see you!

Neatly wrapped, Brother Steve!

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13 Jun 02 - 10:07 PM (#729643)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: MMario

And when grim DEATH appears
in a few, but happy years
and says, "WHY DON'T YOU COME ALONG WITH ME?"
I'll say "Begone y'knave, for King Bachus (sp?) gave me leave
To have another Cruscin Lan, lan, lan!

*shudder* not the doors; please, not the doors!

I'm still having nightmares from the last one I opened by accident.

The velcro wall is/was around somewhere - I think Koko was bouncing off it a while back...so there may be a lot of hair sticking to it.

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13 Jun 02 - 10:09 PM (#729644)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Susan A-R

I've been cooking Mexican today, so there are nice little potato cakes that go down well with a XX, or a Bohemia if you can get one here (wistful look at the bartender) and there's some kick-ass green chile sauce, made with chilies a friend brought back from New Mexico, and a massive bowle of Guacamole. And Kahlua Chocolate Cookies if you'd prefer the sweet stuff. Now I've done my bit and will sit back and play this here fiddle. Anyone know Nine Points of Roguery?

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13 Jun 02 - 10:15 PM (#729649)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: MMario

Deep and round and green and lovely
a bowl of Guacamole came at me
and as I drooled, each time I drooled
I said...AAAHHHHHH!

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13 Jun 02 - 10:21 PM (#729653)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Little Hawk

Shane motions Don to lean closer...

"There're some major losers in here, eh?" he confides to Don in a stage whisper. "They got ideas about writin' famous novels or somethin'..."

"Tell me about it!" says Don, with an evil grin. "Who's buyin'?"

"These people like folk music," says Shane. "Do we got an old banjo back at the house? They will pay for buskin', I figure..."

"Decent!" says Don. "Go home and get the Jap telly that I 'borrowed' last week."

"You go get it," retorts Shane. "I ain't finished my drink."

"I ain't goin', I just got here, eh!" exclaims Don in annoyance.

"Well, then I guess we'll just sit here till Hell warms over," grumbles Shane, "cos I ain't movin'."

"You are a lazy flip," observes Don.

"Yeah, well at least I ain't ugly, eh, like some people I could mention, and I ain't bald in front neither..."

"Yeah, well if ugly was equal to stupid, you'd be off the graph on both, eh?"

"Eat me."

They glower at each other, but it's too early in the evening for throwing punches...and it's not nice to hit your own brother...

Well, not when he's looking anyway...

"So...like, WHO'S BUYIN'???" hollers Shane to the bar in general. He and Don look around hopefully...

The mouse twitches fitfully, dreaming of an encounter with a giant Swiss cheese.

- LH

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13 Jun 02 - 10:54 PM (#729668)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: katlaughing

Bert always buys with his umlimited credit card!

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13 Jun 02 - 11:55 PM (#729689)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Yorkshire Tony

The thought of the bodhran player in nothing but a high class jockstrap makes YT feel decidedly unwell - a similar feeling to once on his last trip to Australia after around two cases of Fosters and a kilo of prawns at a session down by the ocean. The mention of food, and the realisation that he doesn't actually have to look at the bodhran player in the jelly pit, makes him feel a bit better. He staggers over to sample the chili and chat up Kat and Susan: "Ow do, wot yer 'avin' luv?"

Meanwhile, his cat is over at the bar having a deep and meaningfull conversation with Ebbie about how older females deserve more respect from their juniors - though Ebbie probably just thinks she wants her ears scratching.

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14 Jun 02 - 12:08 AM (#729696)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: artbrooks

The somewhat blasted bodhran player (is there any other kind) wanders around the pub, downing leftover dregs of stale beer (except for the nasty back stuff...every drunk has his limits). He smells the guacamoli (smashed over-ripe avocados with a little lemon added) and the freshly roasted Hatch green chilies and wanders over towards where Susan A-R is sitting. She offers him a Bohemia and he accepts with gratitude...slugging it down with one gulp, he slides slowly under the table...

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14 Jun 02 - 01:35 AM (#729726)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Ebbie

(Well, yes, sometimes I do like my ears scratched. But I have to know the person pretty well.)

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14 Jun 02 - 09:33 AM (#729887)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Steve in Idaho

Limping painfully Biker Grunt finally starts his Harley and heads on down the road - gotta get my gitar back he thinks - gonna go back some day - dang that fiddler was good -

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14 Jun 02 - 06:38 PM (#730238)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Celtic Soul

As usual, a day late and a dollar short (short...there's a good one. I'm 4'10" "tall"), CS wanders into a confused and surreal tavern.

Oy...someone, anyone, please. Just buy me a Guinness and help me make some sense out of the world. No, not the world in here...the one out there!!

I need lots of beer.

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14 Jun 02 - 08:16 PM (#730282)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Morticia

what world out there?

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14 Jun 02 - 09:46 PM (#730322)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Celtic Soul

Oh, perhaps it's the one inside my head then...it keeps coming back in my focus. Stuff like "work", and "issues", and "IRS" keep popping into my head.

I could still use those beers.

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14 Jun 02 - 10:03 PM (#730329)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: Susan A-R

Guinness on tap with a lovely shamrock to boot. Let's drive the IRS right out of yer mind (oops, better pay me quarterlies, or they'll show up for sure.) Anyway, how does guinness go with vietnamese spring rolls (the non-fried kinc_ and Drunkard's Noodles (The heat's supposed to drive those hangovers away, I guess.) Well, maybe a Sing Ha or two instead, and theGuinness to go with these lovely potato, cabbage and cheese pastries. I'm off to play a little more fiddle with that odd fellow with the plastic banjo who shambled back in. Looked like he lost an arguement with his brother earlier on, and he's got his case (with the tag still on, hmmm $35.00) out for money. I guess he can use all the help he can get. I suppose he knows B"oil them Cabbage Down." Smells like he does anyway. Hmmm, was this a good idea . . .

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14 Jun 02 - 10:19 PM (#730338)
Subject: RE: BS: Time for a TAVERN thread-bring yer thong
From: katlaughing

Yummy, Susan!!

PLEASE CONTINUE IN
THIS THREAD

THANKS!

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