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BS: The Mother of all BS threads

05 May 03 - 08:31 PM (#946590)
Subject: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Another brainstorm of mine, inspired by Tweed, Spaw, Carol the Sailor and their ilk.

We can save time which we spend searching through all the BS threads very easily. Henceforth, post all BS here in this thread. Soon there will be only one BS thread. We won't have to look for particular threads as this will be the only one and it will contain all the BS we have to offer.

My Gawd!! Why has this not been thought of earlier? It is so obvious!

I swear, sometimes I even amaze myself!

Once again, for those of you who are slow in understanding...hear me, Tweed! Post all BS in this thread from now on!

Pene Azul and Joe Offer will thank me for making their job so much easier! My fellow 'Catters will also thank me when they realize the time my idea will save them! Maybe this will finally get me the coveted "Time/Life Man of the Year"!!

I swear, sometimes I even blow my own mind!!

King khandu
Thank you, khandu. I worship at your feet.
-Joe Offer-


05 May 03 - 08:36 PM (#946592)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Aaaackkk!!! Gag!!!

Geeze khandu! Can you lighten up a bit with the Glade Country Garden air freshener shit? I can hardly breathe on this thread!


05 May 03 - 08:41 PM (#946595)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Allan C.

Not to burst your bubble, Khandu, but this has been tried before with such things as birthdays, welcome-to-new-members, remarks from trolls, and a few others - always with rapidly diminishing results.

Just how big was that bubble anyway?


05 May 03 - 08:51 PM (#946600)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Allan C.

Now that I think of it, this thread is every bit as viable as one that would serve as a repository for all those who share half-remembered bits of some song that might have been about frogs...or maybe it was goobers...anyway, it was sung in a now defunct club that once stood on the corner of Walk and Don't Walk, by a woman/man who might have later been a member of The Oriskany Troopers...or was it The Downtown Chile Stompers...anyway... it was a great song and I wish I could remember more...he/she was a hell of a marimba player...


05 May 03 - 08:52 PM (#946601)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Edison, Pastuer, Whitney, Bell, even Harry Lee Wigley had their detractors. I feel priveleged to be included in this roster of Great Men who had Great Ideas! ("Man of the Year", here I come!)

Carol the Strange one, the Glade was sprayed in the Spaw's birthday thread...where is was greatly needed!!!!!

khandu


05 May 03 - 08:54 PM (#946602)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

That's right!, Allan C (are you kin to Carol and Kim C?) I knew that it would dawn on you! You are warming right up to the idea rather nicely!

k


05 May 03 - 08:55 PM (#946603)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Well, I think you brought a whole bunch of it into this thread on your clothes. Man that's some bad stuff.


05 May 03 - 08:56 PM (#946604)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST, heric

I object that the brown-shirt management of this site allows, unmolested, this implicit but unmistakable bashing of the transgenderedly challenged. They are NOT all marimba players as you well know and I will not stand idly by while . . . I QUIT


05 May 03 - 09:00 PM (#946607)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Uh...what the hell did heric just say???

k


05 May 03 - 09:02 PM (#946610)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Allan C.

That is a common error, khandu. If you look carefully, you'll notice that Carol is of the clan that puts the C immediately after her name with no space or period. Kim does make use of the space but puts no period after her C and so is possibly a distant cousin.


05 May 03 - 09:07 PM (#946614)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bobert

Yo khanny,

I love ya, brother, and in taht I would like you to do me a favor. Walk down to the bathroom, open the nedicine cabinet, lokk fir the bottle that says "Khanny, take twice a day" and take one tonight and leave the bottle out where you can find it in the morning....

What, are you nuts? Ahhh, strike that question. I mean there's more to BS than actual bull excretions. There are as many excretions as there are animals, people included. This ain't quite like Spiro Agnew's accute observation when he said "Ahhhh, seen one redwood and you've seen 'em all", is it?

Take the danged pill, Khanny! Take the pill....

Bobert


05 May 03 - 09:18 PM (#946619)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Hell, I am in a tornado! (really!) The danged whistles are blowing everywhere, all my neighbors are in my house (We live on a bottom floor), and the dog, Tinker, is howling at the sirens. This is an interesting evening!

k


05 May 03 - 09:26 PM (#946622)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Damn, Ken! Been lickin' toads again, ain'tcha?

Bruce


05 May 03 - 09:27 PM (#946623)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Well, the sirens have stopped, the dog is quiet and I chased the neighbors away, so things have calmed a bit.

Bobertz, the bottle says twice daily, but it did not say to take it everyday. I thought it meant to take it twice the day I got it.

Are you sure you are right. I mean, this stuff may be fatal if I take more than I should.

It also says "keep away from children". Why, do they think I am one of them child molesters? The kids will get their feelings hurt if I start avoiding them.

k


05 May 03 - 09:29 PM (#946625)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Hey bee-dubya! How did you know? You been smelling my breath?

k


05 May 03 - 09:49 PM (#946635)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Bufotenine and related 5-hydroxy-indolethylamines are common constituents of venoms of the genera Hyla, Leptodactylus, Rana and Bufo. Bufotenine is not psychedelic in reasonable doses (with larger doses there are dangerous physiological side effects), but the skin of one species, Bufo alvarius, contains 50-160 mg 5-MeO-DMT/g of skin (Daly & Witkop 1971). It's the only Bufo species known to contain a hallucinogenic tryptamine (McKenna & Towers 1984). Most (1984) gives instructions for collecting and drying the venom:

Fresh venom can easily be collected without harm to the toad. Use a flat glass plate or any other smooth, nonporous surface at least 12-inches square. Hold the toad in front of the plate, which is fixed in a vertical position. In this manner, the venom can be collected on the glass plate, free of dirt and liquid released when the toad is handled. When you are ready to begin, hold the toad firmly with one hand and, with the thumb and forefinger of your other hand, squeeze near the base of the gland until the venom squirts out of the pores and onto the glass plate. Use this method to systematically collect the venom from each of the toad's granular glands: those on the forearm, those on the tibia and femur of the hind leg, and, of course, the parotoids on the neck. Each gland can be squeezed a second time for an additional yield of venom if you allow the toad a one-hour rest period. After this the glands are empty and require four to to six weeks for regeneration. The venom is viscous and milky-white in color when first squeezed from the glands. It begins to dry within minutes and acquires the color and texture of rubber cement. Scrape the venom from the glass plate, dry it thoroughly, and store it in an airtight container until you are ready to smoke it.

Bruce


05 May 03 - 09:52 PM (#946639)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

See there!! Ole bee-dubya-ell is getting into the spirit of this thread! That's what we need...more people like him! He is pouring the BS into this thread like he should! What a guy!

Come on, folks! Are you gonna let a Floridian beat you????

(I can see it now! "Man of the Year-King khandu of Mississippi"!)

k


05 May 03 - 09:56 PM (#946641)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie

Bobert, I think that was not Agnew but our illustrious Ronald Reagan- and I thought it couldn't get any worse!


05 May 03 - 10:02 PM (#946645)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Actually, Ebbie and Bobertz, the quote was first spoken by the great Harry Lee Wigley...Agnew, Reagan and Mickey Rooney stole it.

I am glad to help straighten out this misunderstanding.

k


05 May 03 - 10:09 PM (#946648)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bobert

Well, it don't matter if it was Spiro T. or Kenny G. Fact of the matter is that Donnie Rumseld topped 'em all with his "Henny Penny" speech in which he said, and I quote, "Seen one vase an' you seen 'em all!"

Bobert


05 May 03 - 10:15 PM (#946651)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: michaelr

You're supposed to smoke it? Dang... here I've been snorting it all these years...

Cheers,
Michael


05 May 03 - 10:22 PM (#946652)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

NONONO! Bobertz! Kenny G said "That khandu! What a brilliant fellow he is!" The reason I remember him saying that is because it is the only decent sound the fellow ever produced! Incidentally, the "vase" quote, which Rumsfield used, was also originally coined by Harry Lee Wigley.

michaelr...snort 'em, smoke 'em, lick 'em...it all has the same wonderously grand effect!

Keep 'em comin' boys and girls...after all this is

I<>THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!!!!

k


05 May 03 - 10:32 PM (#946655)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: artbrooks

And besides, everybody here is some kinda wierdo...give me Starbucks and my SUV any day. Wait! This is the 20th response, unless some SOB sneaks in ahead of me, and nobody has said anything hateful or rude yet!!! This is my chance...I hate everybody who hates anybody else or is rude to them just for being what they are or for saying things about somebody else that doesn't agree with the opinions of the party of the first part! Does that cover it? If not, the hell with it.


05 May 03 - 10:34 PM (#946657)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

artbrooks...I disagree.

k


05 May 03 - 10:37 PM (#946660)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

However artbrooks...I love it when someone who has not posted to a thread begins his first post with "And besides"! That shows a certain type of...class!

k


05 May 03 - 10:38 PM (#946661)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: artbrooks

khandu...you are certainly entitled to your own opinion, regardless of the lack of value it may have when compared to life, the universe and everything.


05 May 03 - 10:40 PM (#946662)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Life is imagination.
The universe is smaller than imagination.
Everything else is just cheap whiskey!

k


05 May 03 - 10:48 PM (#946666)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT (Just in case somebody's actually dumb enough to try it)

Actually, smoking is the only safe way to do toad venom. The psycoactive ingredient is 5-MeO-DMT not Bufotenine. Bufotenine is just plain poisonous. When smoking the dried venom, the Bufotenine is burned away but the 5-MeO-DMT is not. The high is supposedly very intense but very short-lived (5 minutes).

Bruce


05 May 03 - 11:00 PM (#946670)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

I think this thread should be re-named "The Toad Milking Thread", and be moved to the top of the Forum Home Page with the other music and folklore threads.


05 May 03 - 11:05 PM (#946672)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Carol C....go play the accordian! This is MY thread! It is where I want it to be! IT STAYS HERE AND IT SHALL REMAIN:
THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!!

What's that??? The Polka Circus is calling...they have run out of "can't carry a tune accordianists"...they want you to return posthaste!

k


05 May 03 - 11:19 PM (#946676)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Yes! The MOTHER of ALL BS threads!!! I love the idea.

Khandu, I am glad you have drawn attention to the absolutely outrageous treatment accorded to the legendary Harry Lee Wigley by low-minded, prejudiced know-nothings; by scummy, impertinent, opinionated fools; by incontinent, lecherous poseurs; by people like Clinton Hammond...

Harry Lee Wigley's greatness is something I never tire of recognizing and acclaiming.

And now, may I say just two words? Two little words that can change an empty life and fill it with meaning. Two simple little words that anyone can say, but oh how powerful they are...


(drum roll....)


* * * William Shitner!!! * * *

Nothing more really needs to be said after that...but I'm sure something will be.

- LH


05 May 03 - 11:29 PM (#946679)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: catspaw49

Khandu, the essence of BS is to leave a foul essence and so far this thread is really a winnerin that department!

I would listen to Allan C however as no one has more experience on BS even if by accident as he once started a BS thread about killing the thread which no one would kill of course and it went on ad infinitum. A remainder of it still exists but it's once glorious times of damn near 500 posts have been halved and shut down for good.

You might also want to talk with Art Thieme who, in a moment of passion and digust with the crop of threads that was running at the time, dared to ask, What Brand of Condoms Do Mudcatters Use? Several hundred posts later, and unwilling to die, the thread marched on while poor Art checked in at the NYCFFTS.

And Hawk....Don't even start with Billy-Boy......

Spaw


05 May 03 - 11:41 PM (#946684)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I must be delirious. I actually typed "Shitner" when I meant to type Shatner.


05 May 03 - 11:50 PM (#946685)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

they want you to return posthaste!

Ooohhhhhh!!! Posthaste! Oooohhhh, aren't we special! We can use fancy words like posthaste! Well, you should see the fancy words Little Hawk can use when he wants to. Check this one out; "calumny". Yup. That's one of his favorites. That, and pusillanimous. He even started a whole thread for just that one word, pusillanimous. Top that why don't you?


06 May 03 - 12:05 AM (#946688)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

GOD...the BS!! It flows like gray water...it oozeth from the pores of Mudcat like Bufo juice...It responds to probing like a Polka Band on acid...
Khandu, you sick fiend what have you done? This is like a black hole sucking BS from all over the galaxy into it.

Something should be done...the Renegade Lunatic must be stopped...the BS just keeps pouring in....awful,awful...


06 May 03 - 12:11 AM (#946691)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

A Polka Band on acid? Christ! That's a numbing thought.

- LH


06 May 03 - 12:29 AM (#946702)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: open mike

ah ha-- grey water-i just cleaned the
lint trap on my washing machine
the grey water does not always flow!
(it was stopped up)I was elbow deep
in the greyest water i ever saw..


06 May 03 - 12:30 AM (#946703)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Joe Offer

Yeah, but how do you pronounce "pusillanimous"?
Inquiring minds want to know.
-Joe Offer-


06 May 03 - 12:58 AM (#946717)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie

I don't like to reprimand any one, least of all khandu, but I do think he shouldn't be called 'Harry Lee Wigley'. He is Mister Wigley. Unless perhaps you know him personally.


06 May 03 - 02:35 AM (#946743)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Allan C.

The "Polka Band on Acid" sorta reminds me of a good friend's vision of hell. He pictured being put in a locked room with nothing more than an 8-track player and a stack of Wayne Newton tapes.


06 May 03 - 02:46 AM (#946752)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Pore King Khandu has khum undone
"Not lots of threads! We'll have just one!"
He prokhlaims from his royal throne
"Yes! Just this one! This one alone!"

And all his subjects are amazed
And thinkh The King a little khrazed.
"Where does The King khum by his wit?
Where does he get such khrazy shit!"

"Does it khum from living in Tupelo,
Where okhra, khotten and khorn do grow?
Or does he just inspire his mind
With two-dollar-fifty-a-litre wine?"

"Perhaps he visits large khow herds
And pikhs fungi growin' on khow turds.
Or does he smokhe the Ganja bong
Half of the day and all night long?"

"We are not sure what it khan be
That makhes our King so damned skhrewy.
We only khnow with him our lord
We'll be khonfused... We won't be bored!"
   
Bruce


06 May 03 - 03:29 AM (#946765)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Mark Cohen

LH, you disappoint me. Here you had just managed to achieve a true Transcendent Mudcat Moment by posting a glorious golden droplet of quintessential karmic truth...and then you went and spoiled it all by saying something stupid like "a typo!" (apologies to Nancy Sinatra fans--both of you).

Aloha,
Mark


06 May 03 - 06:12 AM (#946816)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Morticia

Can we get back to the meds issue? Your Highness ( just how high is he,anyway?)....I went out and did a quick poll and your subjects said, to a man, woman and toad "Take the meds.....do it now.....and keep your hands in clear sight at all times".

Yanno, my Great Uncle Entwhistle got just like this before we had to put him a home for the Terminally Bewildered.....sad,isn't it?


06 May 03 - 10:37 AM (#946985)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Well, yeah, I can see your point, Mark. It was a pretty transcendent moment, wasn't it? I could hardly believe it when I opened the thread and saw it. Amazing how these things just seem to fall in place, regardless of our well-laid plans. :-)

(You see, what worries me is that I might get in trouble with the Board of the WSSBA, for dissing Shatner. You may be aware that Spaw is persona non grata there for having done so repeatedly.)

- LH


06 May 03 - 10:53 AM (#946996)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

Hey! How come Carol the Sailor, spaw and Tweed get to have an ilk? Favouritism? And do they each have their own ilk or do they have to share? A least if they share it's not quite as bad, but if they each have their own ilk then I'm really upset.


06 May 03 - 01:37 PM (#947051)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Hey! Be sure to check out my new BS song HERE!

Bruce


06 May 03 - 03:10 PM (#947143)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I don't mind Spaw's ilk as long as I don't have to clean it up.


06 May 03 - 04:08 PM (#947206)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

I don't know, MMario. I think you're probably of our "ilk" also. khandu probably didn't include you because he couldn't remember how to spell your name. I think LH is one of us too, but khandu is jealous of him because LH knows more fancy words than he does.


06 May 03 - 04:08 PM (#947208)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Morticia

Spaw's ilk??? What's the matter with him?


06 May 03 - 04:23 PM (#947228)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Allan C.

The word I had was that 'Spaw had been stricken with pusillanimous; but reports are not from reliable sources.


06 May 03 - 04:25 PM (#947229)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

is this the land of ilk and honey if so, who is honey?


06 May 03 - 04:28 PM (#947233)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Allan C.

Honey is Annamill's husband. But you knew that already, didn't you?


06 May 03 - 05:56 PM (#947294)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bill D

ilks is similar to Wampeters, Foma and Grandfaloons (Google it if you don't get it)...and we ALL have one or two...

...and Bruce, I love your BS song, and your homage to King Khandu, who is no doubt delerious with joy at how much BS he is attracting.....however.....

Khandu...I must apprise you of the irrevocable truth that not all BS can BE crammed into one thread, as BS comes in many flavors, colors and categories. Like **MUSIC**, there is 'traditional' BS, classic BS, amateur BS, etc...
I really think that there needs to be a sub-basement to the BS level, like Saddam's bunkers, where BS that is too horrible for regular BS threads is sent. (listening, Pene?)....why, there could be one level..(like the 9th circle of Hell), just for fart jokes and stories!....and of course, one thread/level for debating which level each post belongs in!

Oh, the depths we could descend to, if only the Mudcatacombs were properly excavated and labeled!

Do consider my humble addendum to your clever concept as merely an attempt to mirror the collective consciousness of the group in a way that more nearly explicates the ambiguous vagaries and essential symbolism appropriate to the.....ummmm...well, you get my drift?


06 May 03 - 07:01 PM (#947351)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Very well said, Bill! You may yet earn yourself a scholarship or a bursary at the WSSBA. You might even become a "fellow", and get to meet Patrick Stewart at one of their gatherings.

If you want to meet le Shatner, however...well, keep trying.

- LH


06 May 03 - 07:41 PM (#947372)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bill D

MEET Shitner..umm..Shatner?.(I kinda likes "Shitner")...

no, I think I'll stick to my own kind..*grin*...(and I'll confess, I have NO idea who Patrick Stewart is)


06 May 03 - 08:02 PM (#947389)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

I am sooo proud of my fellow Catters! You have really rallied to my idea of the "Mother of All BS Threads"! And an important announcement is coming next!
HEAR YE!!
Be it known that bee-dubya-ell, AKA "Bruce" is hereby awarded the covet "Royal Poet-Lariat of Mississippi" award. He shall henceforth be known as "bee-dubya-ell, Royal Poet-Lariat of Mississippi"!


Now. to Carol the smarty-pants Sailor. You may osculate with my hind-quarters. That should make you ululate with joy!

Little Hawk, it is no surprise to me that you and I are the only ones here who appreciate the genius of Harry Lee Wigley. He, you and I are of the same ilk. And, yes, to those who may question, I knew him personally. LH, I also knew that you would give avid support to the "Mother of All BS Threads". You ,as I, also must have Royal Blood flowing through your heart!

Spaw, the Official Mudcat Belcher of BS, thnak you for the posts. I consider it BS!

Who needs medicine when I have such a great response to my idea? Not me!!!

Allan C., there is a Royal Position for you coming, just as soon as I can figure where you would be better suited!

And to Tweed, My Royal First Duck, are you quacking up?

King khandu


06 May 03 - 08:15 PM (#947397)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

King khandu is not ashamed to admit a Royal mistake.
I apologize for the previous post by the King. It was incorrect to post it on this thread because there was no BS in the previous post. And this is;
THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!!

King khandu


06 May 03 - 08:57 PM (#947425)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: SINSULL

If this reaches 100 posts, I am going to insist that Joe re-open the "Killing The Thread" thread. Fair is fair. Who, by the way, finallykilled it? The elves?


06 May 03 - 08:59 PM (#947428)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: catspaw49

Ya' know man, you got a warped groove........which is why I like you so damn much.

Spaw


06 May 03 - 09:06 PM (#947434)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Cool! Royal Poet-Lariat of Mississippi, huh? Do I, like, get paid or anything? Do I get a crown? Or a free subscription to "Reader's Digest"? Well.... whatever. It is indeed an honor.... I think. Just don't go gettin' any ideals about I'm gonna paint yer house fer free or anything.

I'm gonna sign off now and try it out. Okay?

Bee-dubya-ell Royal Poet-Lariat of Mississippi

Yeh, that'll work.


06 May 03 - 09:19 PM (#947442)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie

Bee-dubya-ell, I wouldn't be so quick to take such pride in your title; khandu is tricky. Take another look: it says 'Poetl'ass ho'.


06 May 03 - 09:41 PM (#947450)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Ebbie is bucking for a place in the Royal Commune!

After much discussion with my First Duck and Grande Coot and KOTROT, Tweed, we have decided to meet in Como, MS in a couple of weeks to listen to Gatemouth play some of the hep-jazz he is known so well for. The Bobertz may also be in attendance. There has been some talk that Sir Tweed will join Gatemouth on the stage and play some of the badly-recorded swing which he (Tweedster) is known so well for. And if things go really, really well, Bobertz, Gatemouth and Tweed will do three part harmony on Bobertz'z stirring rendition of "Thousand Dollar Car".

I have been approached to read some of the less-famous quotes of Harry Lee Wigley, which, even to a King like me, is a grand honor!

It will be a grand moment! I will attempt to capture it on tape or photo which I will display to those who wish they had been there but weren't.

Yes, Mudcat will be well represented at the Gatemouth Brown concert!

King khandu


06 May 03 - 09:54 PM (#947457)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: catspaw49

Say King, do you need any porta potties? The Boys are heading that way at the end of the week. They have their new ones all rigged up and are supposed to be here either tonite yet or tomorrow and then are heading out. They could use all the business they can get. And if you can't use them, cam they at least clean out their units at your place?

Spaw


06 May 03 - 10:02 PM (#947460)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Thanks for the heads-up on this bit of info, Spaw. We may be needing some at the Como, MS Gatemouth Concert which Tweed, Bobertz and I (See above post!) intend to attend.

However, as much as I would like to accommodeate, they cannot clean out their equipment any where in Mississippi. The place is a bit full at the moment!

k


06 May 03 - 10:18 PM (#947463)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Speaking of Porta-Potties, you can get 'em in Orillia at a great price. Carol, y' gotta post some of those old pictures, eh?

- LH


06 May 03 - 10:53 PM (#947477)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: artbrooks

It has become clear to me that the person who began this eversodumb thread is not our good buddy khandu...it is really his evil twin kantdu. By unanamous...uh, unamorous...uh, unamonious...uh, anyway, we all agreed that he should be inflicted with the imfamous Catspaw CROTCHROT virus and turned loose upon the virgin alligators of the Great Dismal Swamp.


06 May 03 - 10:56 PM (#947478)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Sure LH.

Here's Me and the McGill man. He was one hell of a guy, but I heard that he ran off with the hordes of Osama bin Lookalikes that were plaguing Orillia for a while a year or so ago.

This used to be known as the Sir Sam Steele Art Gallery McGill, but it has recently been renamed The Harry Lee Wigley Memorial McGill

Now these beauties don't have their McGill logos on them yet because they were only recently purchased from some poor schlubs from the US who seemed a bit stunned, and kept muttering something about "flying Jesuses and Marys", according to my sources within the McGill organization. They said negotiating a price with these guys was like taking candy from a baby and the guys selling them couldn't seem to get rid of them fast enough.

...and of course, here is the McGill Motherlode. I think it speaks for itself.


06 May 03 - 10:57 PM (#947479)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Dere Yore Disjointedness,

Boberdz and I are indeed gonna come down to Como MS and check out young Daniel Ballinger's gig at the local bistro, so long as several factors knit themselves together but it looks like a go from here.

Yore attendance is mandatory and if we must, we'll journey clear to Tupelo and set up the Spartanette in yore front yard. Don't worry about us messing up yore pore, long suffering wife's baffroom. I think we kin just dig a open trench from under the trailer and grade it to run towards yore septic tank and in that way we'll stay perdy much outta yore way.

But tell me O khing, yore dillusions seam to be accelamating summat..Whar the hell did you come up wif Gatemouth Brown playing in Como? Did you ilk a toad? Also, what's good fer cleaning them plastic lawn chairs thet they sell down at the super WalMart? I habv unwittingly played host to migrating vultures and they hav left a hell of a mess on Mz.Tweed's patio furniture.

Yerz,
Tweed
Coot d'Azure


06 May 03 - 10:59 PM (#947480)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

No! Not the accursed Catspaw Crotchrot virus! How diabolical of you to even conceive of this dastardly thing!

But it is better than the Rhodesian Root-Rot! The only symptom of that dreaded monster is when you get up to go tinkle the head of your Patterson falls of and bobbles in the commode!

But even that is not as bad as the malignant artbrooks-arse-rot! I shudder to even think of this botch, much less state the symptom!

Why can't we all just get along?

Kk


06 May 03 - 11:13 PM (#947485)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

The bestest cleaner that I have found anywhere is at "Auto Zone". It is called "Power Clean"...fine for plastic Wal-Mart chairs.

I am thrilled! Little Hawk, the wise man of Mudcat, saw what was lacking in this thread becoming the perfect BS thread. He decided and moved quickly to add the nmissing piece...Carol the Crapper girl's Crappers! Perfect!
Thank you, Carol for honoring Harry Lee Wigley,( whom you do not know personally, but I do!) in the manner you did. Harry would be proud!

BTW, have you started osculating my hind-quarters yet? Are you ululating?

Tweed, I am on the edge of my chair waiting to see and hear you, Bobertz and Gatemouth belting out a few tunes!

This is a wonderful thread! It is, after all;

THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!!!

Kk


06 May 03 - 11:19 PM (#947486)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Mark Cohen

What I want to know is, where do those McGill people get off putting ENVIRONMENTAL on those things? Is that some kind of Canadian joke?

Now this is a potty joke. No comment about the name of the town.

Aloha,
Mark


06 May 03 - 11:23 PM (#947488)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Dang, Mark...If I ever go to Gays, Ill. I'll be sure to use the TOP level! I pity the bottom level folk!
Uh...no comment whatsoever about the town's name!

K


06 May 03 - 11:45 PM (#947496)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

That's some outhouse there Mark! Looks like it's even got it's own street address.


06 May 03 - 11:55 PM (#947500)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Mark Cohen

So there was this guy whose member (not to be confused with his "GUEST") started to turn purple. He went to the doctor and said, "Hey, Doc! What's up with this?" The doctor ambled into the examining room, did a complete examination, and shuddered, "Oh, my, my, my. I haven't seen this since Vietnam. You have" -- he seemed to struggle to get the words out, so great was his horror -- "CATSPAW CROTCHROT!"

"OK, whatever. So, what's the treatment?" the guy says. He was a man who prided himself on his ability to cut to the chase--which, under the circumstances soon to be narrated, might not have been the most appropriate metaphor.

"Well, it's generally fatal," said the trembling doctor, who was surreptitiously glancing around the office for some Lysol. "But there is one possible cure."

"OK, tell me."

"Amputation," said the doctor grimly.

"Oh, no way, Jose!" the man said, so upset that he lapsed into outdated slang.

"My name is Marvin," said the doctor. "See the receptionist on your way out. And try not to touch anything."

The poor gentleman dragged his purple pecker from doctor to doctor, desperate to find a countervailing opinion, but in each office he heard the same deadly refrain: "Catspaw Crotchrot...it'll kill you for sure...only cure is amputation."

Finally, a female urologist (with the unfortunate name of Dr. Ophelia Johnson) said the words he had been hoping to hear. "Well, I'm not saying this will help, but I once met this real old hillbilly doctor from Mississippi who said he'd treated dozens of cases of Catspaw Crotchrot back in the 50's, when it was running rampant in several counties in Ohio. He lives here in town now. Here, I think I have his name and number written down in the back of this book." She opened a volume labeled 50 Years of Reader's Digest's "Laughter, the Best Medicine" (Large-Print Edition), copied a name and phone number onto a pre-printed Viagra prescription, and handed it to the suddenly smiling patient.

Overjoyed, the man called the old-timer and quickly made an appointment for that afternoon. After several wrong turns, he found the tiny, cramped office. The old man had bushy white eyebrows, a bushy white beard, and a full head of sleek, black hair. A small statuette of an opossum sat playfully on his desk.

"So, what do you think, Doc?" the man asked, trembling with anxiety.

"Oh, it's Catspaw Crotchrot, all right," replied the old doctor.

"But do you have to cut it off?"

The doctor looked at him for a moment, his eyes widening in amazement, and then suddenly burst into peals of raucous laughter, which soon led to a prolonged coughing fit. When he finally caught his breath, he dabbed at his watery eyes, straightened his sleek, black hair, and looked at the man with a bemused grin.

"Cut it off? Cut it off??? Don't be ridiculous! Is that what all them fancy city doctors were telling you? Hell, man, ain't no need to cut it off. Why, in a few more days it'll fall off by itself."


Aloha,
Mark


06 May 03 - 11:58 PM (#947501)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

HOLY SERENDIPITY!!!!

Does nobody else see the cosmic connection that has been revealed to us in this very thread, The Mother of all BS threads?

Here's a hint:

Porta-potty
Carol the Sailor
White plastic Walmart chairs
Buzzards

Don't you see?

White plastic Walmart chairs are buzzard Porta-potties


07 May 03 - 12:05 AM (#947505)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Goddam computer! Hit the friggin' "backspace" key and the sumbitch submits my message. Well, it's OK. I was only going to add a few of these: !!!!!!!! and sign off

Bee-dubya-ell Royal Poet Lariat of Mississippi

Hey, Kenny, that's a lot to type. Can I just be

BWLRPLOM?


07 May 03 - 12:05 AM (#947507)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

The sheer depth and meaning of this thread has me breathless. I am in awe. More, I say! More!

- LH


07 May 03 - 12:16 AM (#947514)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

O! Lord have mercy on me...I don't know how I could have missed such an obvious omen...It's all so clear now...it's...it's ...all BS!! All of it, every single word!! Thank you Poet Bee-Lariat-ell, finally a windexed window has opened and allowed even more BS to flow in, it's like the blob and khandu iz a demented Steve Mcqueen herding it like wild Bufoes.   Ar khing habv chosen the Royal Rhymer wisely az iz hiz custom in all things regarding high intensity BS.

Yerz,
Tweed
Coot d'Ville


07 May 03 - 12:18 AM (#947516)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

I knew some mystical force guided my hand to start this thread! Now, it is all becoming clear! And, may I say (beaming with uninhibited pride) that my own Royal Poet-Lariat of Mississippi was the one to see beyond the riff-raff and read the real meaning of this thread!!!

Already, he steps into the annointed position and assumes the stance of "One Who Knows! I am amazed at the speed in which he has risen to the task!

bee-dubya-ell- Royal Poet-Lariat of Mississippi, you shall now be forevermore referred to as THE KNOWER OF THINGS!!!

If it were not improper, I, the King of Mississippi, would bow before you! Ooooo- an important announcement shall be spoken...

Hear Ye, Subjects of the King of Mississippi. Ye shall henceforth bow in the presence of the KNOWER OF THINGS, by Royal Command of the King of Mississippi, khandu.


07 May 03 - 12:32 AM (#947525)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

SEE!!! Just as I said in the introductory post of this thread, Pene Azul and Joe Offer will thank me for making their job easier.

I looked back on the introduction and, sure enough, Joe Offer has added to it! Look! Look for yourselves! Let your own eyes drink deeply of the khandu prophecy fulfilling itself! Be agog with wonder as you see with your own eyes that the word of khandu brings forth much BS!!!

Indeed! This is.....

THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!!!

k


07 May 03 - 04:38 AM (#947637)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Liz the Squeak

The scary thing is, I understand this one a lot better than I do the Henery 8th quiz and I read the book for that one!

Morty - G U Entwhistle sends his regards and can you bring him in the china fishslice when you come for your next session with Dr Spritzentitz.

If I'd known you wanted portapotties, I could have bought you two fine examples of the wedge shaped bed variety, one in vitreous blue glazed china and the other in a fresh white and dalmation effect enamel....

LTS


07 May 03 - 09:33 AM (#947781)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

My dear King Khandu. I have taken your invitation to osculate with your hind-quarters into consideration. I feel that under the circumstances, what with me being married to a fine fellow like JtS and all, it would be unbefitting and a bit disrespectful of my hubby for me to accept. And if I were to ululate with Joy (which I wouldn't), that would be between me and Joy, now wouldn't it?

Are we going to have to wish this thread a happy Mother's Day or anything?


07 May 03 - 09:37 AM (#947785)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: artbrooks

OK, all you muthers...be happy!


07 May 03 - 09:45 AM (#947791)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

personally - I think that 'spaw's b'day thread is the Mother of all BS threads... which would be hard as it is younger then most of the BS threads, but older then many - yet it actually almost has a true purpose, which means it's not BS at all - but then again, what do I kow?


07 May 03 - 09:53 AM (#947796)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

An apt question to ponder, methinks...


07 May 03 - 10:18 AM (#947818)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

To Mr.Joe Offer:
I culd not help but notiss yore unabashed pandering to our khing's dillusions. Obv corse this is perspiring to yore footnote at the bottom ob this mother of all BS threads whar you declare allegenz to khandoo and even thet you worship at hiz feet. This behavior coming from a father figure like yoreself, will prolly only serve to amplicate hiz ego which iz obsculately out obv control.

The hole darned BS section is now aswarm wif BS threads like gnats on a cows ass in August. an' I kin only hope thet ef they iz enny serois minded folks left who ain't contaminated tharselfs by enterin' this snakepit thet they are happy and contentled, smog in the khnoledge thet we hav ben dribben into the abyss and ar no longer fit fer mingling wif intelligetn minded humans. I did not imagine thet my mind could be enny mor nummd than normal but you habv accompanied this wif handy proximity and ease wif this insecretion. Keep up the good work but keep one eye open when sleeping az the Khing obv Mizippi may try to maek a forced entry in order to vacuum yore rugs and put new oil cloth in the cupboards now that he seez you habv finally noticed him. It iz my opinion that the situation will only get worst from all this.

Yerz,
Tweedzrzz
Coot d'Fromage


07 May 03 - 01:24 PM (#947949)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

The situation will definitely get worse. Solipsism will increase exponentially. The lowly fart joke will be buried under an avalanche of less predictable drivel. People's intelligence will be insulted. Their tolerance will be put to the test. William Shatner references will pop up in all kinds of places where they patently do not belong.

Those who were not alive to witness this exciting time will envy those of us who lived through it. These are the days of legend, the best of times and the worst of times. Thesa are the salad days. This is the cherry on the cake, the turd in the crapper.

Cherish it, ye heathen! (While yet ye may...)

- LH


07 May 03 - 01:36 PM (#947965)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

References to Shatner actually belong anyplace?

Don't worry about the lowly fart joke being hidden - Everyone knows the harder you try to hide a fart the more self-evident it is!


07 May 03 - 02:42 PM (#947995)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bill D

"OMNIA SPAWLIA EST DIVISA IN FARTES TRES"

"Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate"

"Pluritas non est ponenda, sine necessitate"

"Sibile, si ergo,
Fortibuses in ero,
O nobile, demis trux,
Vatis inem? Causan dux."


07 May 03 - 06:15 PM (#948139)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

We need Sister Flatulencia's word on this matter before reaching a final decision.


07 May 03 - 09:22 PM (#948234)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

One of the most bothersome things I know of is harrassing phone calls.
Ther is one that I can expect, regular as clockwork. Once a month, about this time of month, it comes. It came last evening.

Bob Dylan gets drunk, finds an old friend and calls me. This month, his old friend is Clint Eastwood. They were both sloppy, greass-grabbibg, ass-slapping drunk.

It is hard to understand Dylan's speech even when he is sober. When he is drunk, it is nearly impossible. It is hard to follow his train of thought when he is sober. He has none when he is drunk.

Clint is almost as bad.

Finally, after an hour, I understood what they were trying to say. They had written a new song and wanted my opinion.

It was "Call and Response". Dylan would "call", Clint would respond.

"Well, I'm gonna do something big and special"
"Go ahead, Make my day"
What it is, you'll never guessial"
(Yes, he rhymed "special" with "guess"!)
"Go ahead, Make my day"
"I think I'm gonna let the reins out"
"Go ahead, Make my day"
"I think I'm gonna blow my brains out"
"Go ahead, Make my day"


At this point, I was ready to blow his brains out, but I kept my cool until they passed out.

But it gets to be such a burden, month after month.

khandu


07 May 03 - 09:44 PM (#948248)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

The mother of all threads, that's what King K. said,
trying hard to perpetuate a scene.
To behave, is simply a jesterly thing, and the situation close to obscene.
King K. proclaimed that the thread will be, nothing less than purlieu.
Start it and they will come, and leave as quickly when they read it through.
To come here with anything less than bullshit, would be a subject of a different matter,
This would be an outrage, an act of defiance, the King will have your head on a platter.
So listen to your head, and this bullshit thread,
and let the words flow from your hearts
King K's thread is here stay , and for ever a place for Spaws farts.
The End.
Rustic


07 May 03 - 09:48 PM (#948255)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

None of you showed any respect to Joe Offer when he posted to this thread. He went completely ignored. I waited all this time to see if anyone would respond to him. Alas, you did not. I am saddened.

Don't know of what I speak? Let me refresh your short-term memories.


Yeah, but how do you pronounce "pusillanimous"?
Inquiring minds want to know.
-Joe Offer-


So, Joe, on behalf of these miscreants and plebians who have ignored you, I offer my heart-felt apologies. And, to atone for their peccadillo, I give you this:

pusillanimous-PEW-sil-AN'-e-mus

Many make the mistake of saying "PUSsy-LAN'-e-mus". Do not make this mistake. It will mark you as a igmo.

And Joe Offer, Sir, is NO IGMO!!!

k


07 May 03 - 09:55 PM (#948260)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

MY GAWD!!! I only wish I had a place for two Royal Poet-Lariats of Mississippi! Rustic Rebel, the dearie, has proven herself worthy of higher things with her wonderful poetic endeavor!

Hmmmm....maybe a Poetess-Lariat Why not? Heck, I am King! I can creat such an office if I choose. But first, I must consult with the worthy one, Rustic Rebel, and consider her wishes.

And, I must allow input by bee-dubya-ell...the KNOWER OF THINGS. Since he is the Royal Poet-Lariat, I shall consider his thoughts on the matter.

My ears are open to your responses, R.R. and the KNOWER OF THINGS!

Kk


07 May 03 - 10:17 PM (#948277)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Let all who praise khandu, King of all Mississippi benefit from his benevolence. And anybody that likes to dance at concerts is okay by me anyway. Boogie down, Rustic Rebel.

I'd do somethin' poetic, but I gotta go fix a light switch.

BWLRPLOM-KOT


07 May 03 - 10:18 PM (#948278)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

With great honor and only through permission from Bee-dubya-ell Royal Poet Lariat of Mississippi and Knower of Things, do I accept such a fine title as Poetess-Lariat. I await the word, oh, Knower of things, with rings on my fingers and bells on my toes and a bone in my nose-ho-ho


07 May 03 - 10:23 PM (#948279)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Now that will show you how wise and wonderous Bee-dubya-ell Royal Poet Lariat of Mississippi is. He answered before I questioned. King Khandu you choose wisely.


07 May 03 - 10:34 PM (#948287)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

It so happens that I already had posted the pronunciation of pusillanimous on the thread devoted to that glorious word! I think King Khandu is becoming besotted with power and losing sight of the finer points here...

Hubris is a terrible thing.

- LH


07 May 03 - 10:34 PM (#948288)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bill D

The Ogalalah aquifer is in big trouble......wait...that's NOT BS!

please ignore the above


07 May 03 - 10:50 PM (#948298)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

I think the appointing of positions and jobs and sucking up to Joe Offer is not BS either, come to think of it, Bill D.

khandu, you have been conducting serious business in this thread. In fact, most of your posts to this thread have been serious business. I think there must be some sort of dereliction of duty or something that's going on here. We need an inquiry!!!


07 May 03 - 10:52 PM (#948299)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

P.S. I don't want any jobs please (thank you very much), but I will be posting a surprise tomorrow. It's a big surprise that I've been waiting two years to present to the people here in the Mudcat. And I'm going to do it on your thread.

But don't give me any jobs.


07 May 03 - 10:53 PM (#948302)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

NONONO, LH! The question was asked in this thread! It remained unanswered in this thread I spoke only to those who ignored him in this thread...except for you, of course, since I was aware that you had already published the pronunciation in the other thread!

bee-dubya-ell-the KNOWER OF THINGS was the Excellent choice for his position. His magnanimity is befitting his position. He is worthy of honor!

Rustic Rebel, I appreciate the quick response to my request. I believe that I have made yet another fine chioce.

An important announcement shall follow:

Hear ye, all. Rustic Rebel has proven herself worthy of the King's notice and of his benediction and benefaction. She is hereby named, by khandu, King of Mississippi, the ROYAL POETESS-LARIAT of the KINGDOM of MISSISSIPPI an shall be given all honors and respect due her Royal Standing, by command of khandu, King of Mississippi.

To refresh memories, my chosen are:

Sir Tweed-Knight of the Realm of Tupelo, First Duck and Coote D'Jour
bee-dubya-ell-Royal Poet Lariat and KNOWER OF THINGS
Rustic Rebel-Royal Poetess-Lariat
Joe Offer-Third Duck of Pelahatchie

Candidates for future honors (in no particular order):
Allan C.
Little Hawk
Bobert

More can/will be added as they prove themselves worthy.

Kk


07 May 03 - 11:05 PM (#948309)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Carol the Sailor has been a Royal delight for my whole time at Mudcat. And now, she honors me with a surprise that she chooses to post on this thread! It is true that her position at the Polka Circus is one of Glorious Importance, and I can understand her humility in asking that I do not grant her Honor, which shows me that she is worthy of Royal Honor.
Oooooo, another announcement shall be made:

Hear Ye, all. Carol C the Sailor is hereby honored by khandu, King of Mississippi as the Royal Pain in the Arse. She shall posthaste and henceforth be given all honor and respect worthy of the title, by command of khandu, King of Mississippi.

As the creator of this thread, I, and I alone, am authorized to call business "BS" and/or BS "Business". Therefore, none shall be qualified to question my authority.

As an example, I deem Bill D's "aquafier" post to be pure, undefiled BS!

I do look forward to your (Carol C) posting tomorrow!

Kk


07 May 03 - 11:25 PM (#948327)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I must implore, nay demand, that I not be appointed to any glorious post here. Why? Well, because I am too busy already, that's why. Being William Shatner's foremost North American proponent, for one thing, carries a lot of weight. Am I up to the task? Well, yes, but it's consuming a great deal of my time and energy. Then there's my pursuit (ongoing) of Winona Ryder, which is consuming almost as much. Then there's my attempt to qualify as a chicken sexer...it's a seven week course, and I'm in the 3rd week.

If I take on any more responsibilities at this point I am afraid that I may suffer a teleological breakdown and lapse into babbling, incoherent gibberish and be taken for a fool. This could derail my normal activities.

- LH


07 May 03 - 11:43 PM (#948339)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: catspaw49

Look LH, you got too much on your plate....and it's a damn small plate....so let me help you out so you can be appointed as Second Magnolia Copulator in the Kingdom. Here's what you do......

Have Winona Ryder go out and steal all of the frozen horse semen and then she and Shatner can ride off into space on the next Orillian Crop Circle making UFO that comes along on the hunt of Major Tom the psychotic astronaut so they can start a new race of Centaurs at Starbase Cuba Cubed.

Spaw


08 May 03 - 07:14 AM (#948511)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu

HEY CC.... wakey wakey.... time to get up and post the big surprise. I think I know what it is and I can't wait to see if I'm right. C'mon c'mon... forget the OJ, spit it out.


08 May 03 - 08:38 AM (#948569)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

SEVEN WEEKS? LH? - they taught that at Cornell in one 15 minute lab!

The tough course was Chicken hypnotism!


08 May 03 - 11:44 AM (#948694)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

I've been waiting for just the right moment and context for posting this. It's taken more than two years, but yesterday, in a moment of epiphany, I realized that this is it! The moment I, and the rest of the Mudcat (*) have been waiting for since March of 2001. So without further fanfare, I give you:

Susie McGill crowns CarolC Ms. McGill 2001, and presents her with the key to the Orillia Municipal Porta-Potty

(*or maybe just a couple of you)


08 May 03 - 12:21 PM (#948721)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bill D

well! a great honor indeed!...but......I wasn't aware porta-potties NEEDED keys....pray tell, what happens to everyone without one?
Does only one person a year get a key? And is part of the honor standing guard to unlock the 'facility' for others? Enquiring minds want to know.


08 May 03 - 12:32 PM (#948728)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Wow RPIA! We are stunned, shocked and awed! Are those shots from thes swimsuit or evening gown competition? So, who got Miss Congeniality? Did you have to answer one of those tricky beauty pageant questions like, "If you were standing in shit up to your neck and somebody threw a bucket if puke at you, would you duck?"

BWL-RPLOM-KOT


08 May 03 - 12:33 PM (#948729)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bill D

....and, it doth bemuse me that the only post which is truly NOT BS, has been acclaimed pure BS! Have any of you looked up the dire situation of the Ogalalah aquifer?

oh...wait...perhaps the serendipitous juxtiposition of the competing claims to the position in the heirarchy of purity constitute a new category of META-BS! In which case I withdraw my admonition to ignore the original statement...(which probably negates the entire BS-ness of the exercise, which leaves our King in the position of having to wade through the strained logic of one of his non-subjects in order to rule on the status...or ignore it entirely...your call, your Majesty.)


HUH?


08 May 03 - 02:51 PM (#948815)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dear King khandu,

Ah jus' wanted Yer Lordship t' know that Ah hab revized ma autobiography t' reflect th' honorarities Yer Majesty habs so recently bestowed upon ma humbel self. It now reeds:

1951 - I'ze borned. Ah don' remember much 'bout it. Ah heared thet Ah wuz ugly and thet ma Daddy wanted t' pinch ma head off but ma Mamma hit him wid a skillet insted.

1952 -1970 - Ah were a chile. It were boring. Ah habs no ideal how thet chile grew up t' be me.

1971 - 2000 - Ah tried t' be a responsibal adult. Ah failed. Somewhere 'long in there Ah learned t' play th' geetar. Thet did not help much wid th' responsibal part.

2000 - Ah discobvered th' "Mudcat Cafe". Ma life started t' go downhill.

2003 - Khandu, King of All Mississippi habs named ma humbel self Royal Poet Lariat of Mississippi and Knower of Things. Duz this mean that if'n Ah dies tomorrow Ah'll die happy? No, but Ah will hab lived longer than Jerry Garcia did.

PS: T' hab room t' squeeze in th' last part Ah had t' take out th' stuff 'bout th' drugs n' alkihol n' sex n' stuff. Hope thet's OK.

Your Humbel Survent,

BWL-RPLOM-KOT


08 May 03 - 03:21 PM (#948831)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: artbrooks

Wa'ul shee'it, Bee-dubya-ell...if'n thet SOB ain't gonna make me sumkinna oskifer in his orginizashun, Ah'll be dam'd if'n Ah cares 'bout no dam Poit Lariet...go bek'n fil in the sex, drugs an drinkin' parts...on secund thot, leeve out the drugs...


08 May 03 - 03:25 PM (#948834)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Bill D., it's an honourary key in much the same way that a key to the town hall, when presented to someone who is being honored, is an honorary key. But people who aren't awarded the keys to town halls and, in this case, the municipal porta-potty, can still get into them without the key during regular business hours.

BWL (etc. etc. etc.), I was awarded the title by virtue of being the first person ever to write a limerick about Orillia, the "Limerick Capitol of the World", and home of Stephen Leacock, the world renowned "Limerick King".

I went to Orillia on a month-and-a-half long McGillgrimage, where I was graciously hosted by some of Orilia's finest citizens who showed me a really good time, and then I was crowned Ms McGill, and presented with the key.


08 May 03 - 05:03 PM (#948888)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge

It's odd that the lads from Punch the Horse haven't jumped all over this thread in absolute glee. I shall have to alert them. It's the kind of thing they simply can't resist.

* PR


08 May 03 - 05:07 PM (#948892)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

O goddammit...Iz not Carol the Sailorgal the mos beeyutifull queen there culd be. I yam renouncin' all ties wif the corrupted Khingdom obv Mizippi and lay my miserable self at yore feet. O my Queen..which palace would you have me to begin wif? I wod dip them all clean wif a 2 lb coffee can ef it wudde please yore Majesty.

Yerz,
Tweedzrzz
1st Commodore Navy obv Orillia


08 May 03 - 07:42 PM (#949003)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Joe Offer

Thanks to Little Hawk, there is a special, dedicated thread for pusillanimous-PEW-sil-AN'-e-mus (click).

Does this mean I have to worship at the feet of Little Hawk, too?

-Joe Offer-


08 May 03 - 07:54 PM (#949008)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Joe Offer.....why in the hail wuld you worship at the feet obv Liddle Harg when Queen Carol the SailorGal iz the oblivous choice? Really...habv the insaniac khingkhandu polluted yore well ordered mind wif hiz smarming and mewling?


08 May 03 - 08:04 PM (#949013)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: catspaw49

Naw Joe, just hang out here with us on the Mother of BS or over at my non-birthday thread which has been determined to be the Father. As far as Hawk goes, just ignore the pissant little, fockin' broke-dick, Mamalucca. He can't even get a position in te Kingdom as Second Magnolia Copulator. Maybe khandu will give him the Third or Fourth......

Spaw


08 May 03 - 08:55 PM (#949027)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

So much to handle...
I am agog...agog, I say, Carol the Sailor! Congrats to you, my RPITA! None could be more deserving.

Little Hawk, I fully understand and appreciate your position. I accept your fine refusal.

artbrooks, my apologies for having failed to put you on the candidate list. Consider yourself included! I hope to find a fitting position for you soon!

KNOWER OF THINGS...an excellent autobiography it is! It is quite exciting and extremely interesting. I was on the edge of my throne as I read it! It is a real page-turner!

Bill D...your last post is glorious BS, perhaps you shall gain position in my Royal Command!

MS Penelope Rutledge, who I am sure is really Tweed incognito, tell the Punch crew...tell everyone! After all, this is:

THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!

Spaw, dear Spaw who worked so hard to save the King's sanity (and succedded grandly!!!), I would happily appoint you to an exalted position, however, there are some issues which must be resolved.

Tweed, you stinky Floridian turncoat...did you forget one major flaw in your Carol the Sailor???? She plays the accordian!!!! And she has been known to osculate, followed by sudden, uncontrolable ululation!

The King is joyful at the exceedingly grand responses to this thread! (sob...sniff sniff...) I am moved to tears by all of you who have helped this thread become the wonder it is today! Because of YOU this is truly living up to the name:

THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!!!

To Joe Offer, who is no igmo, you need not worship at anyone's feet. You are a Duck. Ducks do not grovel! Lift your head high and say aloud, "I am Third Duck of Pelahatchie, Mississippi and I am Proud!...I am not an igmo!".

Kk


08 May 03 - 09:10 PM (#949028)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

I have been barraged with questions about the word "igmo". Many have asked, "So Joe Offer is no igmo; exactly what is it he isn't?"

I am happy to be of help to my fellow citizens of planet earth. However, you could have just as easily asked Little Hawk, I am certain he would have given you exactly the same info that I now offer.

"Igmo" is a word coined by the great, late Harry Lee Wigley (whom I knew personally!). He developed the use of the word to honor TV actor and strongman, Luther Igmo, who played as a strange green monster in a 1970's TV show.

The actual meaning of the word is "a dullard, one who is mentally sluggish, a stupid or bovine person."

Of course, Mr. Wigley was not using it in reference to Luther Igmo, instead he referred to the monster that Igmo played on TV.

Therefore, you now know exactly what it is Joe Offer isn't!

Kk


08 May 03 - 09:46 PM (#949035)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Right -- Joe Offer is not a green monster. Glad we got that cleared up. As to the many things that Khandu is not, do not let us begin, dear friends, for well begun would be half done, as the old wives would have it, and the wits of Khandu could not bear to be half-done, knitted as they are to a fare-thee-well.

A


08 May 03 - 09:53 PM (#949038)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

You know, I don't know what the boy just said, but, by Gawd, he did say it quite eloquently!

Amos, would you like to be the Mississippi Minister of Double-talk, you smooth-mouthed wizard?

Kk


08 May 03 - 10:10 PM (#949043)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Only if I can telecommute, your Marjesty....

A


08 May 03 - 10:22 PM (#949048)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

telecommute all you want, Minister Amos de la Jessup

Hear ye, all. By command of khandu, King of Mississippi, Amos shall henceforth be called the Royal Mississippi Minister of Golden Tongued Double Talk, and shall be awarded all honor and respect due his Royal Position.And, at any time, upon his entrance into the Kingdom of Mississippi, he shall be served by the Royal subjects to his need.

Kk


08 May 03 - 10:56 PM (#949061)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

The accordian is the instrument of real royalty as everyone knows. In fact, Charlemagne was an avid accordianist as were all the Louis's I-XIV.

Enjoy this charade while you can khandu khing obv Mizippi. You pass out these worthless appointments like beads at Mardi Grass. I for one will follow the sweet sound of Queen CarolC in full ululation and wonder how others are able to resist her call.

Yerz,
Tweed
Duc d'Aujus


08 May 03 - 11:05 PM (#949065)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Ohhhh... Tweed. You don't want to be my subject. I can't do the having subjects thing. I'll be too tempted by power, and you know what they say about power. It would be terrible, like Imelda Marcos of the accordions... imagine how horrible that would be! Please, if you are my friend, you won't put this temptation before me...


08 May 03 - 11:12 PM (#949070)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

My Queen,
I habv destermined frum yore latest despondence thet it iz yore desire to acquire huge numbers of shoes. Thar fore I sail for Taiwan with the tide and will bring as much as the johnboat will hold.

I yam obv corse, at yore beck and call. Say the word an' we hide our armys in a thousand green outhouses and set them before the gates obv Mizippi. Khandu will be hard pressed to refuse a gift ob a thousand shithouses and bring them inside. Mizippi and all it's treasures will be yore's O Queen of Squeeze!

Yore servent,
Tweed
Coot desCootz


09 May 03 - 04:50 AM (#949201)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: smallpiper

Word of this thread has reached the far shores of the kingdom of the equine pugalists. The Kingdom of which yews lot was once a mere collony - how ever the divine Ms Routledge approves of your efforts to reinstate a monarchy and has asked us to provide what advice and support we can muster.

So go to it bouys (english pronunciation if you please) and girls!


09 May 03 - 06:27 AM (#949212)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Mark Cohen

Carol--

What is all that white stuff on the ground in those pictures? It looks like all the birds in Orillia (or maybe in Ontario, wherever that is) all missed the potty at once.

Aloha,
Mark
(trying not to be despondent over the fact that my last post was utterly ignored...but what can you expect from people who can't even misspell Mississippi?)


09 May 03 - 08:43 AM (#949247)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: artbrooks

Ah thinks Tweed needza drum of deezil feul anda big long stick. Then he'cin cleen out them crappers reel gud.


09 May 03 - 09:52 AM (#949306)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

RMMGTDT sounds pretty good, Khandu. Before I accept the position, however, we need to have a discussion about compensation. Double talk is NOT easy, as the President of the United States demonstrates every time he opens his mouth while frowning quizzically. Golden-tongued double talk is especially rare and a significant asset to any group or organization. It is worth more than its weight in gold, I assure you. I don't know if the Royal Treasury can handle this.

Unlike my esteemed colleague from West Virgintucky, I try not to set sail until the cargo is paid for...


A


09 May 03 - 11:31 AM (#949361)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

As a matter of fact, there are an incredible number of seagulls in the Orillia area, and they are probably responsible for the white stuff on the ground. The Port of Orillia (our harbour commission) has fought a long-running war with the seagulls, passing frequent legislation to bar them from the harbour and park facilities. The seagulls have totally ignored the legislation in every case. Signs banning seagulls have had no effect on them either. People have been fined and harassed for feeding the seagulls, which is now forbidden by ordinance. Still the seagulls come. It is most amusing. I wrote a letter to the Orillia paper, purportedly from an enraged seagull named Thaddeus C. Gull, protesting this rank legal discrimination against gulls that is being demonstrated by the City of Orillia, but sadly the paper refused to print the letter for some reason.

They are seriously lacking in a creative sense of humour at the Orillia Packet & Times. Like the City Council, they take themselves way too seriously.

- LH


09 May 03 - 12:52 PM (#949432)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Tweed, Tweed, Tweed....

You pore deluded moron. Do you not realise that you are endangering yore position as Knight of the Realm of Tupelo, First Duck and Coote D'Jour by pursuing yore recent obsession with CarolC the Sailor and Queen of the Porta-Potty? Wake up and smell th' magnolias, boy! She's married! She's the chosen mate of Jack the Sailor, the biggest baddest consultant this side of New York City! Chivalry don't work! Look where it got Lancelot! As the Knower of Things, it is my enlightened opinion that you have lost it, my man. Your delusion is almost on a par with Our King's recent inability to get his nose out of Joe Offer's ass. Look where it got him - The NYCFTTS! You don't want to wind up there do you? For God's sake man, the boy grew tits while he was in there and doesn't even remember it!

Now go take a cold shower and try to pull yerself back together!

Yer friend,

Bruce/BWL-RPLOM-KOT


09 May 03 - 02:20 PM (#949508)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Dere BWL,
Yore warning an'concern habv fallen on flat ears, but I thank you kindly fer. I am well aware ov her Majesty's Royal Consort Jack the Sailor, who has moved from being a Jack to a King wif the Royal Alliance.

I look upon them az Ferdinand and Queen Izabella to my Columnuss. All perfekly honorus and upright I assure you. In fack I'm hoping to garden thar support in a business venture whar all culd be made fabulously welted! I must speak wif the Royal Cupples' Advisor and facilitator, Liddle Harg and see how much it will cost to pay off sartan Orillia officials an' get the ban on Seagull Feeding lifted....

Yerz,
Tweed
Coot d'GullahGullah


09 May 03 - 04:17 PM (#949573)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

nonononoooo...

Tweed! I can't be your monarch! I'm an old hippy. If word gets out that I've got subjects, and one of them is a capitalist, I'll lose all of my street cred! You don't want to be responsible for that do you? Think globally - act locally! Right arm!!

(This is bad... I've been reduced to talking about serious business on this Mother of BS threads... )


09 May 03 - 04:19 PM (#949578)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

(P.S., Mark. Your last post wasn't ignored. It's been giving me nightmares ever since I read it! Is it really going to fall off?)


09 May 03 - 04:31 PM (#949596)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I've always admired Carol deeply too. She could find herself with a faithful retinue of courtiers and surrogate Sir Walter Raleighs in no time flat, I'm thinking.

- LH


09 May 03 - 08:52 PM (#949646)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

"Cut it off? Cut it off?"...Mark, that is the funniest joke I have heard since Harry Lee Wigley died! ROTFLA(Royal)AO!

artbrooks, I have re-read you post and realized that I have done you a disservice. I will atone for that...NOW

Hear Ye,All! By Royal Command, artbrooks is hereby awarded the exalted lowly position of Royal Tinkle Pot Emptier, a position of which he alone is worthy since he so dastardly referred to the King as an "SOB" in a public forum! As RTPE, he is to be given all "honor"(titter, chortle, guffaw!) due his "position"

Any further posts by the RTPE on this thread shall be ignored.

Tweed and Carol C, consider yourselves ignored by the Good King of Mississippi. I never knew thee.

Kk


09 May 03 - 08:56 PM (#949648)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

LittleHarg I cannot agree wif you more stoutheartedly. It iz obvious to my own self and anyone wif a brainstem that is halfway functional who the choice between these peeples wuld be.

The Royal Contestants

Who would follow the disgruntled khandoo?... other than Paw and the Reg boys wif a pooper scooper and large rolls obv glad bags. I rest my case....for a little while longer...

How much will it tek to get them gulls back on line Hawk? Gardening season iz upon us and I b'leve we culd sell tons of gullguano to the folks at the Old Farmer's Almanac Forum....We could then back the great Captain Shatner in a bid to claim hiz place near the main entrance at Mme.Tussaud's and possibly hiz wax likeness culd be sold to DollyWood also az a good money making attrakshun. He iz a fine singer and I am sure Mz.Parton would intervene on hiz behalf.

Yerz,
Tweed
Coot d'Coota

PS.I habv been trying to say the wird specificity over an' over wifout much success.


09 May 03 - 09:54 PM (#949668)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: artbrooks

Royal Tinkle Pot Emptier, is it? Piss on ya.


09 May 03 - 09:56 PM (#949670)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Tweed and Carol C, consider yourselves ignored by the Good King of Mississippi. I never knew thee.

Hmmmmm... now this is a situation that presents some very interesting possibilities. I'm going to have to put some careful thought into all the different ways I can take advantage of this...


09 May 03 - 10:13 PM (#949677)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

"A Broom is drearily sweeping
Up the broken pieces of yesterday's luck.
Somewhere a Queen is weeping,
Somewhere a King has no First Duck

And the Wind Cries..."khandu"

("The Wind Cries "khandu") by Hendrix and Wigley-1973

"Sad times on the trails tonight
Hear that Coyote cry.
Sad times on the trails tonight see these teardrops in my eye.
Goodbye, Amigo, Friend of mine
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye"

(Sad Times on the Trails Tonight) by Ranger Dave and khandu-1973

Royal Tears are rare, but alas, the King cries tonight, even as the wind. My Duck is gone, my duck is gone, woe is me, my duck is gone.

Kk

PS-I did not read RTPE artbrooks' latest post. Nor shall I read his next.

k


09 May 03 - 10:45 PM (#949690)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: catspaw49

I have been ruminating on considering and assuming and cheese so I must ask the King this question......Have you equally assumed that cutting the cheese was not a good thing and would you now, after due consiseration, reverse the assumption?

What the hell....I thought we might as well start "cross thread posting" as well since neither of these threads are in anyways sensible which is what heads them ever onward to greatness. By cross threading we can reach new heights of complete and utter imbecility and nonsense!!!

Spaw


09 May 03 - 11:02 PM (#949697)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

YAESS!!! Another wonderful idea from my dear bud, Mr. Caspaw49 of Ohio! My GAWD! Even Amos must express his awe at the intelligence that is demonstrated here at the Mudcat Cafe. I, yes...even I, am agog!
new heights of complete and utter imbecility and nonsense!!! Hell, even the Grand Third Duck of Pelahatchie, Joe Offer, must be saying "What hath God wrought?"

This "new heights" thingy...it has never been done before. This changes things. No longer are these to be just "THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS" and "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPAW. Together, they now are a quest! A quest for greatness unparallelled in the anus of time! Truly, these will be called "Wonders of the Civilized World"!

Think of it!!! In 500 years, history buffs will discuss the Iron Age, the Ice Age, the Age of Reason and....THE QUEST!!!!

How can we mark such a great moment! I am giddy with glorious exaltation!

Surely, this is one small step for man, one giant LUNGE for mankind!

I think this calls for...








THE CUTTING OF THE CHEESE!!!!!!

Kk


09 May 03 - 11:23 PM (#949703)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A poetic interlude....

Oh horrible day! Oh day of woe!
The Khing has spoke. The Duck must go.
How did this evil come to pass?
Why must The Duck be such an ass?
The poor dumb fool he had it made,
A life of honey and marmalade.
But now his butt is in a sling,
To have done such a foolish thing.
The patience of our gracious lord,
Has grown as thin as wafer-board.
Khandu has spoken loud and clear,
"Tweed, your ass is outa here!"


Bee-Dubya-Ell Royal Poet Lariat of Mississippi and Knower of Things


09 May 03 - 11:58 PM (#949713)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: catspaw49

Bruce, I wanted to comment on your work, but felt it better to post my thoughts over on the SPAW NON-BIRTHDAY thread to try to get started with our new cross threading effort.

This officially marks the cutting of the CHEESE!!!!!

BBRRAAAWWWMMPP


Spaw


10 May 03 - 01:46 AM (#949743)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

It's one GIANT pelvic thrust for mankind, that's what it is! Or perhaps we should say "humankind", so as not to appear to leave out the ladies (which we certainly are not doing).

Let's also not forget to plumb the DEPTHS of imbecility, inanity, and all those other good things. The heights alone are not enough!

Does anyone know where I can get a Zebra which has the normal stripe patterns reversed? I mean like in a black and white film negative, you know? But the real thing. Only his eyes and hooves have to be the regular color, it's just the hair I'm talking about.

I'm trying to make a film about racial prejudice and ostracism among herd animals of the Serengeti...but not ostriches. I need a zebra.

- LH


10 May 03 - 08:12 AM (#949841)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Mark Cohen

It's been done, LH. And you of all people should have known:

"Don't you SEE??? He's white on the RIGHT!!!"

(That may not be wholly accurate...it's from a 20-year-old memory. Not to be confused with a 20-year-old's memory, which I haven't had for a long time, nor a 20-year-old's mammary, which I haven't seen for almost as long.)

Aloha,
Mark


10 May 03 - 08:18 AM (#949843)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Mark Cohen

Oh.....you said Serengeti, not Sagittarius. Never mind.

Aloha,
Mark


10 May 03 - 10:56 AM (#949933)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Dere artbrooks,

I gather frum yore last post that you too hab seen thru the beleegured khing's paltry attempts at garnering support. I yam a broken man now after discovering the extant obv hiz dilutions.

Obv corse I waz unmovd by khnadoo's plajaristic attempt wif bastarding pore Jimi's "Wind Cries Khnadoo" in a vain atemt to woo hiz Duck back to the duckhouse. It wabz a transparent effort at the least and if hiz overchurz become enny thinner you culd read a magazine through him.

The usurper BWLKOT's undercurrents hab also not gone unnoticed by my spies in the Royal Palace and it's plain to see thet he iz weezeled hizzelf into khnadoz' condiments fore personal gain and also hiz title's worf brings great questions to my mind sinz he iz about my own age and tharfore in a state ob permanent confusion and wondermnet at all thingz around him and so knowz nothing at all for a certainty. I wuld warn khning khnadzo of hiz dupaucity but my former monarch iz deaf to enny and all rebukes regarding hiz royal "appointments" that he habz slathered like sweet Oleo accrost this burnt eggroll ob a thread.

Tharfore artbrooks, I must comment you fer not joing in wif the Royal Entourage ob Sychophants thet khing khnaddzo hab gathered unto hiz robe's (evening gown, skirt whatever'z) hemline. I would suggest that you try accordian music and consider joining wif me and Sir Walter LiddleHarg in the quest to exalt Queen CaroltheSailor R., Good Garden Products and Accordian music in any form it may take.

Yerz,
Tweed


10 May 03 - 11:11 AM (#949943)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

CarolC;

Your Queening ceremony in the FrozenNorth is most impressive. I will Double Talk the king of Mississippi about it and perhaps he will deign t look at the pictures, and struck by your presence and personal aura, deem it wise to seek peace.

If not, I fear the future -- should Orillia decide to declare war on mississippi, or the other way around, lives could be ruined and damage wrought in the tens of dollars!!

A


10 May 03 - 12:41 PM (#949994)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

My Dear Tweed,

The title that Our Gracious Lord has seen proper to bestow upon my humble self is Knower of Things. Please note that it is not Knower of All Things, or Knower of Many Things, or even Knower of a Slightly Higher Than Average Number of Things. In actuality, the only things that I know for sure are that plastic Walmart chairs are, indeed, buzzard porta-potties and that you was a dumb-ass to leave buzzard porta-potties on yore patio while the buzzards was migratin'. I also know that one should never buy sushi from a vending machine. That's it.

Bruce aka You Know What By Now


10 May 03 - 01:20 PM (#950013)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Dere Bruce K.O.A.C.O.T. (Knower Ob A Cupple Ob Things)

I retrack my earlier oblivation and concede thet you do indeed know a couple obv things but bleliebv Khning Khnadazoo could adjudicate yore so-called "title" to reflect a more akorate deflection of yore limited menu. It is true that sushi from a vending machine iz not a good idea to eat unless yore hungry or hab a fambly of migratory buzzards to feed and also it may be true thet I am a dumbass for setting out the plastic Walmart chairs, but that iz only one and a half things or at best mebbe two in totuss. My remedation would be to change this syruptishus monikle to Knower Ob a Cupple Things, Knower of One and a Half Things And Mebbe Two Things so az not to raise false hopes of yore peers and underlings az if indeed thar culd be enny below yore Royal station!

Yerz,
Tweed
Coot d'Fla and Great State of Dumbass


10 May 03 - 02:48 PM (#950062)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I could also use a three foot long hotdog. For what I'm not telling you.

- LH


10 May 03 - 05:02 PM (#950121)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Well, if you think that a three legged dachshund will gain you any favor with Queen CaroltheSailor R. I wish you luck. Her Majesty abhors the amputation of small dogs' limbs for any purpose other than if they are caught in a sudden avalanche and forced to remove a forepaw with their pocket knife. I hope I havb not overstepped my station in speaking thus for HRHCTSR., but I feel confident that her policy is one of four footed dachshunds only.

Tweed
Duc d'Memchose


10 May 03 - 08:58 PM (#950236)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Being known as the Peace King for nearly seventy years now, I feel it would be amiss for me not to offer the olive branch at this time.

I suggest a coalition between me, khandu-King of All Mississippi, and Carol the Crapper Quean. I am not suggesting that she be my Quean, nor I her King. But that we asccept one another's rank (And with Carol being the Crapper Quean, I would say that she is more rank than I!) and work together toward harmony.

A "cold war" is a nasty thing, and I, King khandu of Mississippi, am bigger than one who joins in with such drivel, as I suspect carol the Crapper Quean to be.

I offer Peace and extend the latex-rubber gloved hand of Friendship to her and her followers.

Will she prove me, khandu-the King of All Mississippi, right and be a big girl and accept the offer of Peace?

Only time will tell.

khandu, the Peace-Loving King of All Mississippi


10 May 03 - 09:13 PM (#950244)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

I would think that going for a Peace was more in her bailiwick than your 'un, your Majesty! Her beingthe Portpotti Queen and all

A


10 May 03 - 09:27 PM (#950251)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

I thank you, my dear Jessup (the unconfirmed Minister of Golden-Tongued Double Talk) for you valuable and wise input. However, what we have here is a "sticky" situation. Peace never comes easily. It must be "hammered" out between the parties involved.

Though I am certain your concern is sincere (your self obviously being a peaceful man), I must say that sometimes concerned observers cause confusion and are actually a hinderance to the process of Peace.

Therefore, I ask that you keep public comments regarding the Peace process to a minimum.

Do not feel that this is a rebuke! Perhaps there is a place for a man of your abilities in the more private "behind the scenes" arena!

Once again, thank you for your desire and concerns!

Kk


10 May 03 - 09:38 PM (#950252)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Perhaps I, khandu-King of All Mississippi, was a bit hasty in naming artbrooks as the Royal Tinkle Pot Emptier. I apologize for any discomfort this title may have caused him.

To redress this problem, I have decided to appoint him to a more fitting position.

Be it known by all, that artbrooks shall be the King's Personal Bidet.


10 May 03 - 09:46 PM (#950260)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Have you tested the position, Your Majesty, to ensure it is fitting? Enquiring minds want to Know.

As for private areas, with all due respect, I shall keep any remarks about such things out of these threads, especially where her other majesty is concerned.

Your vision and acuity have inspired your subjects to realize only two things in all your realm are worth living for -- the inimitable Beer, and your own articulated and desired Peace.

What just the other day I heard a spontaneous crowd of citizens yelling with gusto in a large central park near your headquarters. "BEER!! PEACE!! BEER AND PEACE!!" they cried.

Then they started varying it in your honor,   "King Khandu's Beer!! King Khandu's Peace!! We want the King's Peace!! We want Beer!!!"

Finally they really got into the swing of things and started yelling "BEER ON US!! PEACE ON THE KING!! BEEER ON US!!! PEACE ON THE KING!!!"

At least that's what I thought they were saying -- being from the Nawth, I can never be quite sure...


A


10 May 03 - 09:58 PM (#950265)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

But I don't want to be Queen! Why do I have to be Queen?


10 May 03 - 10:04 PM (#950271)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Now, your Majesty, ain't no use stamping yore purdy little feet about it. You were photographed with the PortaPotti Keys and a crown on your head, wasn't you? An' that makes you queen, doesn't it? SUrely you see the logic of it??

'Course there IS precedent for abniddication, but that ain't the Canadian way!! (Well, of course, then, neither is being queen, now that you mention it!! :>))

A


10 May 03 - 10:12 PM (#950275)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Jack the Sailor

All right ya hosers Carol is just the queen of one thing! My Heart. Find yer own monarch ya bunch of anarchists! Leave mine alone!!!!!!!

By the way Ottawa 3 Devils 2. Sens Rule!!!!!!!!!!


10 May 03 - 10:18 PM (#950278)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

At last! A voice of clear, lucid reason!

Jack the Sailor, I tip my crown to you, give you a standing ovation, and and shout "Go, Sens, Go!!!"

k


10 May 03 - 10:21 PM (#950281)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Donald Rumsfeld

Dear King Khandu,

Greetings from The United States Justice Department. Our President sends his regards as well.

To get right to the point, King, we here at Justice need your help with a little problem. We have been pursuing an ongoing investigation into a string of incidents of vandalism of United States Government property. Specifically, someone has been writing grafiti on the walls of the men's restroom in the Amtrak rail station in Atmore, Alabama. In an attempt to unearth the perpetrator of this vandalism, we have transcribed the grafiti and instructed our new top secret metasearch engine to look for the presence of any similar data strings on websites throughout the WWW. Well, Sire, we scored a bullseye and it has led us directly to this thread.

We are quite confident that you have seen the following posts:

Please click here, and here, and here.

These messages, posted by one styling himself "Bee-dubya-ell", are word for word verbatim transcriptions of grafiti written in blue Sharpie pen on the men's room wall of the Atmore, Alabama Amtrak station.

Sire, it is our understanding that you have been duped into adopting this "Bee-dubya-ell" person as "Royal Poet Lariat of Mississippi". We feel that it would be in the best interest of the Kingdom of Mississippi if you were to turn this miscreant over to our agents as soon as possible. Of course, there is no extradition treaty between our two countries, but bear in mind that there are also no extradition treaties between the U.S. and Afghanistan or Iraq. We don't worry about that much anymore, do we?

Sincerely,

Donald Rumsfeld
Attorney General
United States of America


10 May 03 - 10:49 PM (#950300)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Mr. Rumsfield,

As you well know, being a man of great intellect, that I, khandu-King of All Mississippi, have spent over 82 years routing out miscreants. I shall not desist in my attempts to make Mississippi and America a safe place for all who are worthy of such a world.

I read your missive with great interest and commitment to co-operate as best as I, King khandu, am able.

However, there exist a situation that hinders my ability to do so fully at this time. To illucidate you, I shall give the following data:

There is one miscreant here at the Mudcat Cafe who often posts "in cognito". He has posted as Ms. Penelope Rutledge in the recent past, and this bold devil then had the audacity to say that it was me, King khandu, who made the bogus post!

This same miscreant has voiced very strong opposition to Mr bee-dubya-ell, the KNOWER OF THINGS, quite recently.

It appears that he has a personal vendetta against Mr. bee-dubya-ell, and will go to great and aggressive lenghts to discredit him.

Therefore, as this situation exists, you can see that any post that speaks negatively of Mr. bee-dubya-ell is considered suspect.

Unfortunately, this includes your post.

As stated at the beginning of this response, I am more than willing to co-operate, but I can do so only when I have received absolute confirmation that it is indeed you, Mr. Rumsfield, who has made this post this evening.

As to Mr. bee-dubya-ell, I have placed in him my complete trust. I was not hasty in making my decision to exalt him as the Royal Poet-Lariat of Mississippi. After receiving the Title, he immediately showed himself deserving of even another position, the KNOWER OF THINGS, which, I must also add, he has risen far beyond my expectations in that role.

I would be heart-weary to find that what you propose is indeed the truth. However, I will fully co-operate, after receiving absolute confirmation from you, that you are Mr. Rumsfield.

Thank you.

King khandu


10 May 03 - 10:52 PM (#950301)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Mr. R.,

I failed to mention that the miscreant of whom I spoke goes by the name of "Tweed".
Also, there is a possibility that the one who posted as "Mr. Rumsfield" is, in fact, Tweed!

Kk


10 May 03 - 11:11 PM (#950312)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dear King khandu Yore Lordship,

Ah fear thet wut Mr. Aturny Genrul Rumsfeld hab sed is true. Them pomes is rote on them res'room walls. Howsomever, he is rong in bleevin' thet Ah rote them thangs on them walls. Ah was jus' in thet res'room choppin' a loaf 'n Ah red them pomes whal Ah wuz settin' thar. Ah wuz so emprest thet Ah copeed them down on sum terlet paper so's not t' fergit them, 'n sent 'em t' Yore Lordship. Ah were a fool t' pertend thet them were mah erijinul pomes. Troof is, Yore Highness, Ah is dummer'n a broom handel. A MacDonald's chocolate shake looks like Albert Einstein up beside mah pore dum self. Ah've neber had a kreeative thought in mah life.

Well, Ah gess th' jig is up 'n Ah cain't be th' Royal Poet Lariat no more. So, Ah'll jus be on mah way if'n thet's OK wid Yore Lordship. Ah am sorry.

By th' way, Sire, Ah rote down wun other pome thet was on thet crapper wall thet Ah thought yer royal self mite like:

Those who write on bathroom walls
Roll their shit in little balls.
Those who read these words of wit
Eat those little balls of shit.

Thet wun's really mah favrite of all.

Bee-dubya-ell


10 May 03 - 11:16 PM (#950314)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Donald Rumsfeld is in search of the Poet-Latiat
A rhymer with a rope
The Kings Haiku pet.

Something must be done, to stop this crazy man,
he must be smokin' dope
we gotta stuff him in a can.

We must protect the Knower of a Thing
without him how will we cope?
I implore you Khandu King.

Do not give in to this man who lays a claim
if you do we have no hope
the Kingdom would go insane.

Yours very truely, Poetess-Lariat of Mississippi


10 May 03 - 11:28 PM (#950319)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Damn. I'm always one step behind ya Bee-dubya-ell. Ok give in to the man Rumsfeld. Give up your personal right to go grafiti limboing. Stand down and let them take you away to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time.....


10 May 03 - 11:37 PM (#950326)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Ah, my dear Rustic Rebel, such beauty expressed by such beauty! The King is moved by your display.

My KNOWER OF THINGS, the man who knows that he knows nothing is the wisest of all men. You have proven yourself worthy of the office! You also move the King.

To my Poetess Lariat, I wish to also grant you the Royal Title of Purveyor of Beauty, for which you are more than deserving.

To My Poet-Lariat and KNOWER OF THINGS, I wish to grant you the Royal Title of Revealer of Truth

Both have honored the King and His Kingdom on this night!

Kk


10 May 03 - 11:38 PM (#950327)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Good Lord!...a Muse ob BS! Go away foul spirit!!! Leave me now to wither like a salted sluggard!!
artbrooks relegated to the title of Royal Bidet...Amos relegated to a wiper of Royal bottoms or somfing equally awful and repugilist.
Jack the King of Sailors brandying hockey sticks defending his own fair Queen CaroltheSailorR. and who can find fault wif that...

Khing Khnadzoz gibbering merrily away atop his throne in the cupboard, sensing hiz immenent victory and flinging horse apples at all who venture near...

....Alas and alack, ...I the First Duck ob Mizippi (twice removed), Minister of Chivalry and the Honorable Code of All Good and Pure Knights wander like a ghost in the desert senz the dream habv been pulled from my eye. Bewildered and reindeered insensible wif this turn obv events...

"O, Torn and frayed,
Beaten and rebuked.
Pore Tweed iz lost
The Ex-Duc d'Coots

His quest iz finished
Some thought it Freudian,
But it were only for the Queen
And her accordian."


Yerz,
Tweedzzrzz
Coot d'Zenda


10 May 03 - 11:50 PM (#950331)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Sir Tweed, you were my first First Duck and, as far as I am concerned, my last First Duck.

I am fully aware of Queen Carol, the Crapper Girl's wiles. Indeed, I khandu, was somewhat tempted to join her Queendom my self.

Therefore, I can see how lesser men, like yourself, could be swayed by the beauty of the accordian. Indeed, there is a haunting sirenis effect in the instrument.

My dear Tweed, your position remains. Much as the Father in the "Prodigal Son" tale, am I...awaiting the return of the wandering boy.

With open arms, I shall joyfully receive you, if ever you choose to return.

Kk


10 May 03 - 11:59 PM (#950335)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Donald Rumsfeld

Dear King khandu,

Regarding my previous missive to The Court of Mississippi seeking information about the one "Bee-dubya-ell" in the matter of vandalism of the Atmore Amtrak station restroom, we are please to inform you that your assistance is no longer required. We have made an arrest in the matter, and it seems that your Mr. "Bee-dubya-ell" was innocent of any wrongdoing. The person we have arrested, who goes by the name of Harry Lee Wigley, has confessed to all crimes under investigation.

Sincerely,

Donald Rumsfeld
Attorney General United States of America


11 May 03 - 12:09 AM (#950340)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Down in Mississipi by the light of the moon
The Khandu King plays a Khandu Tune
With fifteen maidens humming strong
To help him in his Royal song

Khandu, whom Mississippi crowned
Is not a King who lies around
Oh, no! Although he likes his fun,
He is a King who gets things Done.

When commerce fell, wealth did abate
Throughout his Noble Southern State
He tracked the source of public evil:
A nasty bug, the old Boll Weevil

But quicker than a Delta Shrike
Old Khandu did with power strike
And brought those weevils to their knees
By broadcasting Pink Flloyd CDs

Until the weevils all around
Came swarming out of Miss's ground
And headed off to leave the Nation
Driven by punitive vibrations.

And now,a challenge worse is leveled,
Born not of Nature, but the Devil!
A scion of hell, in human dressage
Has posted Khandu, King, a message!

His glowing eyes, his smile so pale
Would make a lesser mortal quail
But Khandu's made of sterner stuff
And tell his country men, "Enough!"

"We will not heed this spawn of hell,
Nor turn on poor BeeDubya-Ell
But Rumsfeld turn around again
And send him back to Dubya Two!"

"To arms, to arms, oh, Mississipps!
Bring out your squirrel guns! Man your ships!
We'll squash this monstrous face of evil
As fast as we dispatched the Weevil!"

So spoke the King; the King Khandu
And every Mississipian true,
Stands by tonight, the whole night through,
Wondering what their King will do....


A


11 May 03 - 12:18 AM (#950344)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Thank you O Magnanimous Khning Khnadzoff yore offer iz temptuous but I feer I should renegade myself to stumbling amongst the stones and geckos in search ob the true meaning ob all things Good and Pure.

Howsomever should you decide to kill the fatassed calf and mek some pulled beef barbecue sammitchez wif corsely chop cole slaw spread like shag carpet on the bottom bun or slice of WonderBread I would brake my fast and sup at the Royal Table yet agin.

Yerz,
Tweed
(the ExPaté and exiled)K.O.T.R.O.T.
Agricola, Agricolae, Agricolum


11 May 03 - 12:37 AM (#950350)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

How shall I speak of Amos? Truly, a gifted man is among us. In years tto come, many will speak of the greats; of Carlisle, of Winthrop, of Ackerman. But those who are wise in their knowledge...those in the know...will speak of Amos. In whispered tones, they shall speak, as those who speak of many things, of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and cabbages and King khandu.

Tweedzerz, the last time I butchered a fatassed calf was in honor of Harry Ass Truman. However, just this morning, I commanded my Royal subjects to start shooting the corn to a sexy heifer I have in the back lot in order to fatten her up quick just for YOU!!!

Rumsfield...get the helloutta my Kingdom and let me see you no more.
Also, the fellow you arrested is not Harry Lee Wigley...HLW left this world in 1973!!!....Dumass!

Is life not grand? Just look at the wonder waiting to be discovered on this earth...better yet, in this thread!!! Because, this, my dear ones, is...

THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!!!

Kk


11 May 03 - 01:06 AM (#950360)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Amos, I stand before you humbled, for you are the rhyming roper of the hour!
This is almost the Mother Goddess of all threads, or just a mother of a thread, I am decidedly undecided on that one.


11 May 03 - 01:10 AM (#950362)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Lord Khnadzeus wrote: I commanded my Royal subjects to start shooting the corn to a sexy heifer I have in the back lot in order to fatten her up quick just for YOU!!!

Dere Khing Khnardo,
I beseech you to call off the Royal Buggerers obv Cattle. I should not wish my name to be assosimated wif enny mistreatment of innocent farm animals az that would definitly not be in the Codex obv All Things Good and Pure. If possible I would intervein and ax a boon for the pore heffer and mebbe Amos could use hiz position az Royal Bottom Wiper to rub a soothing salve or some udder balm on the bewildered bovine's affected areas.   

Yores,
Tweed


11 May 03 - 01:22 AM (#950367)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: artbrooks

King's Personal Bidet, is it? Ah thinck this lil bugger reely needs sum hep, an he ain't gonna get it fum no dam Runnysfeld purson. Dam bugger is corncobbin' sum innersent cow critter!. Duz inny budy kno the bes way to defrok a king?


11 May 03 - 04:47 AM (#950388)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Mark Cohen

Well, Rustic Rebel, I agree it was pretty good. OK, it was darn good.   BUT...in verse 8 he rhymed "again" with "two"!!! Now, the way I see it, there are several possible explanations here:
(1) In San Diego dialect, "again" rhymes with "two".
(2) He originally thought the current Prexodent was Bush X (that is to say, Ten) then forgot to change the other line when he realized his error.
(3) This verse is a secret code message for Saddam Hussein and/or Tony Blair.
(4) Living as he does in San Diego, the northernmost city in Mexico, he originally wrote the song in Spanish--"otra vez" and "dos" being...well, would you call them near rhymes?
(5) He can't write rhymes to save his life, and all the other lines were just lucky guesses.

Aloha,
Mark
(leaning toward #3, but not really sure)


11 May 03 - 10:04 AM (#950439)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Mark is clearly possessed of extreme analytical skills indeed -- an analytical exremist par maximus.

The truth is even stranger and one of those things that make certain pieces of art suddeny become valuable beyoind all measure, like the stamps they print upside down in error.

You are fortunate, here in this thread, that you have had a first edition on your screen, before the corrections come out and restore the work to its merely astronomical value. I would suggest you center the monitor on the original version and freeze it to capture those immortal but flawed lines on their == put the whole monitor in the freezer and leave it there. It will be worth a LOT some day, I am telling you right now!!

OK -- the truth is that I was briefly visited by an alien who spoke a tongue in which "Two" and "L" are not only whyming but identical. He was so enamored of the original line that he interrupted me just as I was going to update it with something more assimilable by earthlings, and he insisted it was more than perfect just as written.


"We will not heed this spawn of hell,
Nor turn on poor BeeDubya-Ell
But Rumsfeld turn around again
And send him back to Dumbo Ten"

would work, and also please the alien, whose home planet is actually called Dumbo Ten. Wouldn't mean much to Urflinks though.

I am inclined to prefer.

...
"But Rumsfeld give the Bummer's Rush
And back to Bushie quickly flush"

and decree it shall be so.

How's that for a lucky guess?

A


11 May 03 - 11:06 AM (#950461)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

HAPPY MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS DAY!!!!!!
Has this mother gotten pregnant yet? There seems to have been several who have tried to f&&k her!

K


11 May 03 - 11:31 AM (#950471)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Judging from the Spawn of BS in the environment I would say that although much unwed, she is prolifically reproductive in every walk of life. Either that or she is claiming an ancestral role which she does not deserve. So it seems BS is also round-heeled and easily persuaded...

A


11 May 03 - 11:54 AM (#950479)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

My dear Jessup, I am awed! You are certainly surfing high on the latest wave of spewed vomit this thread has produced. Your peotry...impeccable (Except Mark Cohen did peck on it a bit...so I guess it aint reall"impeckable"!)

Your response to Mark...brilliant! After I finish this post, I am gonna follow the instructions and put this thing in the freezer!

Your restraint, understatement and subtlety in the last post is that of a Master Wordjessup!

I want you all to look at artbrooks last post. Did you notice that my personal asswipe uh, bidet, has affected Tweed's manner of speech. I believe that this is an attempt to "fill the void" which Tweed left in my Kingdom, and, therefore, he thinks that I will promote him to First Duck in Tweed's stead. Never happen!

However, I shall promote him to anonther position with greater responsibility...

Be it known that my Personal Royal Bidet, artbrooks, shall now be expanded in his office to...EVERYONE'S PERSONAL ASSWIPE BIDET!!

That should keep him busy!

Kk


11 May 03 - 11:57 AM (#950482)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: artbrooks

pppfffpt!


11 May 03 - 12:03 PM (#950485)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Oooooopps! It sounds as though artbrooks just passed a little gas...bnut that's okay. After all, he is also his own Personal Bidet!

Kk


11 May 03 - 12:41 PM (#950496)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

My Lord Khnadnuts,
I prey to begin by returning felicitatious offerings for best of Mother's Day, you Muvver!! Also I would undress,in publik, yore resent PMS accusing me of being unintelligibble and coarse in speech.

The Grate State ob Florida,being second only in complete and udder ignornze to yore own mismanaged Khingdom iz no doubt respondable for my speech inflections and narcossis, but close proximatory contak wif the Motherlode of Low Budgied Schools habv run me obver the cliff and deepre into the darking.

Howsomevver that may be, yore reighn haz clarly invoked an awesome depth ob deprabation and true ignornze which succumbs ever wider by the hour and does multiply like the mink and the badger. I waz oncet a nearly senchant being but lately havb cast off all false hopes of enny intelligent conversment capabilitys. I regret thadid haz become necklacsary of late to adopt this manner ob...er...communicating to throw off the pedants and The Royal Buggerers ob Cattle which habituate these hectares, subsisting only on the flesh obv the half and quarter witted. I find thet it confusifies the overtlysentientiative and they hab no idea whar to begin correcting my texts and thus I yam left to roam free az I please and habv foulnd true bliss in this discomfture.

Posonby soom day all human peeple in Mudcat will vomit forth such gibberish and realise the follo ob serious leveled circumscizhions and that they are realy only a chromasome away from treu libation and trufth az well!

Aslo wif high regard to Mother's Day,my long sovvering wifer habz voiced some consternable invocations re: my outbursts of laughers fallod by heaving sobs and violent jerking movenents senz this MOTHER OF ALL BS THREAD began, but we got her a nice fountain/buzzard baff for Mothers Day and it iz bubbling on the patio where she sits supine in Zenlike contemplation ob all things ethereal.

Yerz,
Sir Tweed
FKOTROMAATEBGAP
FORMER KNIGHT OB THE REALM OB TUPELO AND ALL THINGS ETHEREAL BOF GOOD AND PURE


11 May 03 - 01:01 PM (#950507)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Good Sir Tweed, Kind Sir Tweed, nay dare I say, articulate Sir Tweed, grant me this small boon, I prithee, good Knight.

Do thou go forth, all brave of countenance and dire of mien, and speak to thine own true wife, who has born all manner of outrage in her commitment to travel thee with along the many tortured passages of your fevered history. Do thou, good Sir, on one knee before her lower thyself, and speak to her words of comfort that she shall know your current derangement is not by a temporary trifle, and that surely she shall see her love once more. Forward to her, Sir, on my behalf and on thepart of all good Mudcats everywhere, our remonstrances of deepest affection and compassionate commiseration, and wish upon her lily brow only the kindest and best wishes for this day of All Muvvers.

An' you fail me Sir, it shall haunt you unto the grave, for thou hast an angel in attendance who shall not be slighted!!

I remain, Good Tweed, your Obdt Srvnt, Sir,

A


11 May 03 - 02:01 PM (#950528)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

My Dere Anos.

I will take yore advice under deliberation and recuse my miserable self upon her sweet mercies.

She becomes exceeding morose however, and I habv reason to beehive thet it iz largey due to the buzzards' curious and unnerving behabvior. The malodormouse beasts khanbee seen lined up signalfiled from the grapefruit tree to her new fountain, squawking and jostling one another and generaly causing much chaos to ensue. For some unentrailable reason they look upon the Fountain ob Motherly Serenity, wif a casteing ob a lithe woman holding her little umprella, az thar own bidet and their non stop ablutions are most disturbing to witness from close quarters! I need not tell you what a bizarre site it iz to watch a buzzard laving it's arse from a Walmart lawnchair not five feet distant!

I will tharfore send out a call to my FloridaBrether, the disenfranchised BeeWL by pidgeon ef I can capture one alive, and ax hiz advize senz he seams well-versed in buzzard lore and oslo wabez, until recently, the Royal Pomade Lariat.

That failing, I will call in the highly traned and effervescent artbrooks who will be able to make short work obv this situation, so you see I hav given seromous thought to the problem and my dear wif's impending conflagration.

I thank you most seniley for yore good advice and council and reamane...

Yerz,
Tweed
Fond du Lac/ObGyn/Idiot Savant/
FKOTROTTGAPAATE


11 May 03 - 02:24 PM (#950534)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Mah Deer King Khandu,

Well, it haz not bin a full twenty-four ours sense ma narrow excape frum th' clutches of thet Rumsfeld feller. Ah'm 'on tell you wut, tho. Mah life haz sertinly changed. Sumhow, th' story of ma sudden rise t' fame n' glory widdin th' Court of Mississippi - ma bein' named Royal Poet Lariat of Mississippi n' Knower of Things - 'n ma eekwally sudden fall to idjithood went an' attrackted theze fokes frum th' local TeeVee stayshun. Thay had ma humbel self on th' TeeVee nooze las' nite 'n ma fone's bin rangin' off th' hook ever since.

Well, Ah jus' got a call frum sum feller out in Hollywood 'n thay wants t' make a moovee of mah life story! Yes, Yore Lordship, it's th' troof! Thay'z tryin' t' deside who thay want t' play me in th' movie. Ah don't thank it shud be Tom Hanks az he haz alreddy played wun idjit in a moovee n' did a reel good job. He also look'z purty awful wid a beard. Ah'm thinkin' eether Sean Connery or Nick Nolte (if'n thay kin git Nolte's hed outta th' bottle long enuff 'n Connery don't die first). We 'uz also talkin' 'bout who cud play Yore Majesty 'n thet Tweed feller 'n Rustic Rebel 'n Amos 'n Spaw 'n Boberdz 'n Carol-th'-Crapper-Girl 'n th' rest. Ah thank thay're wantin' Antonio Banderas fer Yore Highness 'n Kevin Spacey fer Tweed 'n Liv Tyler fer CarolC. Ah don' remember th' res'.

Ah'm shur thet Ah'll be headin, out t' California soon t' be speshul kunsultent on th' moovee. Ah' will try to stop in 'n say "Howdy" to Th' Minister of Golden-Tongued Double-Talk while Ah am there. If Ah kin bring Yore Royalness back sum erenges er anythin', pleeze let me know.

Yore Humbel Survent,

Bee-dubya-ell
Formerly Royal Poet Lariat of Mississippi

Ah guess Ah kin still be yore Knower of Things az long az it's not too many things. Az th' former First Duck sugjested, one-and-a-half, mebbe, two things iz 'bout all mah pore brain kin handel. Ya want any more, find Yore Royal Self a Knower of Things who ain't a idjit.


11 May 03 - 02:33 PM (#950535)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge

I must confess that you chaps have me giggling over my tea and cookies here. I have never seen a barrage of silliness to equal this thread, which is earning its title handsomely. What puzzles me is how you get other things done, such as shopping, bathing, eating meals, and so on.

My schedule is quite full, so I can only stop in momentarily, but I try to keep an eye on things. Today I addressed the Ladies' Auxiliary on the merits of grooming one's dog or cat frequently. I am very much involved in improving the lives of the pets in this community.

I would gather that Tweed has recovered from his last pretty obvious binge, and I hope that he is now considering my sage advice, and tossing away the bottle for good. I find it hysterically funny that he thinks (apparently) that I am Khandu. I've seen photos of Khandu. He's a skinny, but fairly presentable fellow with an artistic sort of look. He resembles me in no wise.

* PR


11 May 03 - 02:51 PM (#950550)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Esteemed Madame:

'Tis wisely said that every tragedy contains the seeds of a great opportunity, and thus it is in your own perilous case. I urge you not to grow unduly faint, nor yet succumb to the inevitable Vapours induced by the notion recently bruited about these parts that you are Khandu. No recourse to mere physical description is necessary, I assure your esteemed self, to put the lie to such meretricious calumnies. It is in the very breath of your language, the intimate style of yourperspective, and it cannot be gainsaid how different, indeed, you are in every way from his Royal self.

However, from this tragic assertion of similitude where none may be found, let us scrutinize the matter to detect the pearl ofopportunity, dear Madam. For it lies now within your power, as it may never have before, to acheive a transcendant and divine transforation. The subject having thus been breached, unwittingly, the door has been cast wide ajar for your own benefit -- for, deny it though you may, the wonderful truth is that you are facing the opportunity of all opportunities -- dare I say the Mother of all Opportunities? For you, dearest Madame, are now in the enviable position of becoming Khandu! Oh, the lips tremble in the very saying of it!!

All that is required, fairest Penelope, is that you apply yourself energetically to resisting ferociously all assertions of any similarity -- dispel, rebut, counter-argue, debate and refute them at every turn! I am assured by those most versed in the Intricacies of Metaphysical Mechanics that, without doubt, your application in this wise will surely being about a transformation, and you shall acheive, in the end, the glorious reward I have mentioned of joining his Highness in Unique and Indisitinguishable State of Being, which is Khandu.

I remain madame, your most obedient servant and devoted supporter, and transmit to you herewith my profound wishes for success in this sublime transmogrification,

A.


11 May 03 - 03:33 PM (#950565)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Thar is no need whatsomever for the transendangered Mz.P to BECOME Lord Khnardwitz, Amos. I habv run electronic posting programs (a Beta download from Ashcroft's Personal GeoCities site) and habv determined without much dowtt she/he really iz Khargwarts, khing ob all Mizippi or a very closet relative ob Hiz!!

Do not be fuelish and taken in by her/hiz refined demanor and ridikomous talk ob pet grubbing. Wif the wighat an' red dress on she iz even more powermus and deceptioness than wif the Cherokee headress seen to adorn hiz Royal cranius most days.

Watch yore backside Sir Amos, no amount obv lassitudes or golden tonguing will avail you if you fall victual to this Harpy from Hell!!

Yerz,
Tweed
FKOTROMAATGAP and Harbinger obv Hope


11 May 03 - 03:41 PM (#950570)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Harry Lee Wigley

As an observer of the Human condition for over twelve decades, I feel compelled to speak on a matter which now lies before you.
The one called "Amos" has touched upon a great Truth, howbeit, it was merely a "touch". He, in his limited condition of humaness, is not able to go beyond the outskirts of this Truth without someone from within the Edenic Reality giving him guidance.

Such is true with all humanity.

I, being ascended, today present "snippets" of the Truths within this Reality, forasmuch as I elect to see if any shall take these Truths and enter deeper.

"KHANDU" and "khandu" are not the same. "KHANDU" is a state of being, while "khandu" is a being who is nearing that state. To be "KHANDU" is to be, no...not "one with the universe", but rather, the Universe itself.

My disciple, who I took upon my lap in 1911, has proven a true and faithful disciple. khandu has been my reflection upon this Earth for decades. As each day slips into Never-never, khandu has only more greatly reflected his Mentor, HLW.

Indeed, Ms Penelope Rutledge can become "KHANDU"! But the cost is great. Amos Jessup has shown her the first "smooth" path to becoming Khandu, but there will be many more paths for her. The more she pursues the paths, the harder they become. However, she will grow more able to take the next path with each passing path,

At this point, I must present a conundrum...To "Be" one must first see that he already "Is".

To become "KHANDU", one must realize that he already is "KHANDU".

I speak in riddles because I speak of Life.

Perhaps the following is a good place for Ms. Rutledge (or anyone else trying to reach "KHANDU") to begin.

Understand..."there is more to be considered and less to be assumed".

Do not attempt to contact me...for I shall contact you.

HLW


11 May 03 - 03:58 PM (#950578)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Woahhhh...

khandu's been channeling Harry Lee Wigley. Far out.


11 May 03 - 04:34 PM (#950592)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

That Wigley character is a right tortoise and a puredee fraud in my estimation. For one thing it is obvious if he took anyone on his lap in 1911, it wasn't Khandu. Probably his own niece, Khandu's mother, who was traumatized by his electronic affirmations. Anyway, I am sure he is a highly evolved spiritual windbag, but not much more than that. Now I have heard Mister Khandu's music, and it is extremely earthbound stuff, and guaranteed to wring the heart of any humanoid adolescent. So someone is passing around the Codwallop.

Humphhh!!

Try to be nice to a gal and see what it gets ya!!


A


11 May 03 - 04:36 PM (#950595)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge

By jove, you now have me laughing heartily! Amos, you could have a wonderful career making speaking tours throughout the British Isles, entertaining the intelligentsia in drawing rooms everywhere! I suggest you get right on it. I would be happy to book you into an appearace in Twillingsgate posthaste (to use a term which Khandu clearly loves...). Malcolm Buggeroll would no doubt be green with envy, and the frustration might lead him to perform some rash act which would land him before the magistrate. I, for one, would like to see that. I could also arrange for you to meet Oakley, in whom I think you would find a kindred soul...and he plays the violin beautifully.

Now, as for attaining the exalted state of KHANDU...I understand the concept, but I'm not really ready for it at this time. I'm enjoying my sense of individuality, being Penelope Rutledge, a bit too much as yet to want to become EVERYTHING. Perhaps when I'm an old lady...

As Harry Lee Wigley says in his utterly BRILLIANT exposition above: "To become "KHANDU", one must realize that he already is "KHANDU"."

Marvelous! Harry Lee Wigley should also come to Twillingsgate forthwith, posthaste, and with utmost dispatch! He is clearly a seer of the first water. I am impressed.

* PR


11 May 03 - 05:13 PM (#950629)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dear Tweed,

I have not received a message from you by pigeon regarding your ongoing problem with migrating black vultures (Coragyps atratus). If you were, in fact, able to catch a pigeon (aka common rock dove, Columba livia) and attempt to send a missive in such a manner, it is entirely likely that your messnger was eaten by one of the red-tailed hawks (Buteo jamaicensis) that frequent the trees around my humble abode.

At any rate, having been made aware of your predicament via your prior posting to this thread, I shall take the liberty of advising you of an effective means of removing vultures from your plastic Walmart chairs (aka "Buzzard Porta-potties").

First, you must obtain some armadillos (Dasypus novemcinctus). They do have armadillos in West Palm Beach, don't they? If they don't, get in your car and drive north until you find some. If you must, just drive up here to northern Santa Rosa County and I'll give you all you'll ever need. PM me in advance and I'll have you a 144 cubic foot U-Haul trailer full of them by the time you get here.

Now, after obtaining the armadillos, take them to your patio where the buzzards are roosting and let them out of their cages. As any fool knows, armadillos are the absolute favorite food of Florida buzzards. However, the vast majority of Florida buzzards have never seen a live armadillo before. Their primitive buzzard brains will see the armadillos and go, "Food!". But, when they see the armadillos move those same primitive buzzard brains will go, "Holy Shit! Food don't s'posed ta move!". The very presence of moving food will scare off approximately ninety percent of the buzzards in question. The other ten percent will simply follow the armadillos around, waiting for them to assume the flattened and immobile condition with which the buzzards are more familiar. The 'dillos will walk out into traffic and be struck by cars in short time (after all, that is the armadillo's true raison d'etre) and the buzzards who will have been following them closely, will be dispatched by the very same vehicles.

A simple and effective plan, I'm sure you will agree.

Bruce (Takin' a break from the idjit schtick - but he'll be baaack...)


11 May 03 - 05:15 PM (#950633)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

It is proper that I should have the opportunity to post #200 on this thread!

Onward! Onward, I say! THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS has hit the 200 mark! Where shall it stop? Let it continue to infinity!

We are on a roll here, Catters! Let,s push on while we have the moment of momentum!

King khandu


11 May 03 - 05:29 PM (#950646)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

My Poet-Lariat, the KNOWER OF THINGS, has beaten me to the 200th post, but it is well. Only he could take the stead of the King in such a circumstance.

I am pleased to see that my Mentor, HLW, has decided to grace us with his Wisdom. This is a rare treat! Catters, I do not think you realize the import of his posting. He has never posted anything on any web site before, and he chooses to make his First Post at the

MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!!!!

This is an event! A happening!

Tis a grand day for humanity!

Kk


11 May 03 - 06:32 PM (#950672)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Your majesty,

Your Mentor, El Roth Wigglebard, has said a certain number of true things with a wit and invcisiveness that is rarely seen outside of the dryers row at beauty parlors across the land.

While I cannot grant him as much merit as you do, I will grant him his meretriciousness, indeed. Such wisdom as I have not seen in all my post-grade-school days is laid before my eyes here on a Mudcat thread. How unlikely, unseemly, untimely, nay, dare I say indigestible??!!

You are truly fortunate to have found so precious a rapscallion with whom to entrust your future; It guarantees a long series of surprising returns, most of them to square One. I have never seen his like as a simalucrum of genuine verbosity. He is the very soul of width, if not depth, and you should count yourself lucky to have found him as a mentor so that he does not have to work at the Post Office in the Dead Letters department, as an aspiring author.

I can only conjecture that humanity is better off left to its own devices.

With kindest regards,

A


11 May 03 - 07:59 PM (#950696)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Sir Harold of the Peruvian Harolds

What is all this stuff? Why is it allowed? Are there no rules here? Are there no moderators to maintain control?

Whilst surfing the web this evening, I decided to seek out an old friend whom I knew a few lifetimes ago. So I went to Google and type in Harry Lee Wigley. Imagine my surprise that the only link regarding him led me here, where he is belittled by one called "AMOS", which, in our language means "toad who sits on his butt and spins word webs with which to capture unlearned and doofus bugs, so he can consume them for his own selfish satisfaction".

I met Mr. Wigley in each one of my lifetimes and, in each, I found him to be a man of unimpeached character. His words have carried me through the web-spinning toad worlds many times.

He is a man ofsuperlative wisdom and grace.

How can the management of this place allow such blasphemy to spew freely without censoring the "toads" who dare speak it?

Sir Harold of the Peruvian Harolds


11 May 03 - 08:57 PM (#950720)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Sir Harold:

If Elf-Round Wigglehard's character has been so long unimpeached, it is only because he has been so successful at occluding it from the public eye.There are many such on this plane, who would be impeached instanter if their true nature were but understood by the voting public.

It is likely that he returns to you each lifetime, time after time, only because of unfinished business -- probably a dastardly and perverted desire on his part having to do with electronic affirmations.

Until you face the truth, he will be clinging to you like an unwashed dingleberry through the millenia no matter how lofty the identity you acquire. All I can do, having given you due warning of what it is in which you are truly enmired, is to wish you luck with it. If y7ou wish to arrange for a personal, highly effective and highly expensive exorcism, contact me by personal messenger.

And by the way, where did you get the knighthood, Ralphie? You wasn't tagging it onto your moniker the last time I caught you pulling confidence scams in Monaco. Find it in a cereal box, didja?

A


11 May 03 - 09:18 PM (#950729)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Sir Harold of the Peruvian Harolds

I learned eons ago to never respond to one whose name means "toad who sits on his butt and spins word webs with which to capture unlearned and doofus bugs, so he can consume them for his own selfish satisfaction".

Mr. Wigley has had detractors for centuries. They have passed; Mr. Wigley has remained.

One hundred years from now, the toad shall no longer be here. Mr. Wigley shall.

Rant, rave, ye heathen toads! You words are empty, like clouds without water. You are but an ephemera. A vapor. A gnat flying around the anus of a Giant.

Sir Harold


11 May 03 - 09:34 PM (#950732)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Sorry, Ralphie -- did I blow your cover with da mark? Shucks, 's only fair -- you remember the Contessa? That plane ticket to Marseilles I bought ya? Ya know even Bell-Bong Hobart knows that what goes around comes around, there, big boy. Never mind, you'll get another mark. I can see you've been practicing them big words, and it'd be a shame to waste all that eddification -- ya wanna try a deal I got cooking over in Cambridge? Some snooty Brit blueblood, betcha she's loaded.

Mum's da woid,

(Sir) Muzzy

(BTW, I don't think there's such a thing as a cloud widdout water Ralphie -- how many times do I gots ta tell yer, do yer homework. It'll save ya a lot of embarrasink moments.)


11 May 03 - 10:07 PM (#950743)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

My, my! The MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS brings them crawling outta the woodwork!

And, you, dear Jessup, the honorary Minister of Golden-Tongued Double Talk, you are doing well in your position!

BTW, methinks there is a reference to "clouds without water" in the New Testament. And since clouds are made of water then clouds without water must be nothing at all!

I do welcome Sir Harold ( who did not recieve his knighthood from the King of Mississippi) to the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS! The more, the BSier!

I have noticed that this thread is slowing creeping up on our "cross-thread", "Happy Birthday, Spaw". HAW HAW HAW!!!

Have any of you considered cheese today? Or, did Mother's Day take your minds off it?

I have treated myself with a re-watching of "Little Big Man" to honor my mother, who has never seen the movie. She still has not seen it, because she lives 100 miles from me. Nonetheless, Happy Mother's Day, Maw!!

Kk


11 May 03 - 10:14 PM (#950746)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

How appropriate, your Majesty. I am sure your Mother is very proud of you, being the King of all Mississippi and all. Or haven't you told her the good news yet?

Would you like me to? I can be diplomatic when the occasion warrants.
I think I would enjoy explaining your remarkable ascent in the world to her. I think I will go call her just now! 'Scuse me.....

A


11 May 03 - 10:32 PM (#950753)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

What'd she say? What'd she say?

k


11 May 03 - 10:56 PM (#950762)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Well I splained about yerself being the King of al l Mississippi and she kinda wondered why it hadn't made the newspapers, but she chalked that up to rural lag, news traveling slowly. Last I heard she had dropped the phone and was running for the door yelling "Dorie!! Dor-IEEWEE!! You'll NEVAH GUESS what mah boy has done!!!". Then I heard the screen door slam. Then there was a snuffling and slurping sound -- kinda like a dog makes when he pokes you in the ear, ya know?-- and what sounded like teeth on Bakelite, and the connection got cut off. But I reckon she was purdy happy. I'm glad she has a big dog, though...

A


11 May 03 - 11:00 PM (#950764)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

That's my Maw!!!

Uh... but she doesn't have a dawg...that was my step-daddy.

Kk


11 May 03 - 11:18 PM (#950773)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

I had a vision.
It was of the Mother Queen floating on a waterless cloud. (No, not you Carol, but the other, Mother Queen) She was surrounded by fruit and frock-less men. She held high a sceptre in one hand and was scatching her butt with the other. I could tell she was pleased. Her smile emanated a superior embrace around the Kingdom of Kandu. She pushed aside her frock-less grape feeding, servile yeoman, and rose from her white porcelain throne and she spoke.
She said, "Son, call home."


My interpretation of my vision; King Kandu-if you don't call your mamma, you gonna get a butt whoopin'.


12 May 03 - 12:00 AM (#950787)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dear King khandu,

Jus' thought Ah'd pop in 'n give yer Royal Highness a update on th' moovee thet is bein' made uv ma life story.

Them Hollywood fellers hav assured me thet thay will begin workin' on th' movie as soon as thay are released on th' parole thay 'spect t' git at their hearin' on Monday. In th' meantime, thay need 'bout ten thousand dollars fer lawyers' fees thet thay 'spect t' inkur in hirin' all them stars t' play us in th' moovee 'n such. If you cud loan me th' munny, Ah'm purty shur thet Banderas playin' Yer Highness is a shur thing. If not, do you hav Artbrooks's fone number. Them perducer fellers is purty shur thay kin git John Travolta t' play hiz part fer about five grand.

Yer Knower of Things


12 May 03 - 12:26 AM (#950794)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie

LOL


12 May 03 - 07:10 AM (#950894)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Well, my son, the Superhero, called me for Mother's Day, and he did not call me "Queen". Here's a picture of him flying over the Vatican:

My son the Superhero


12 May 03 - 09:13 AM (#950941)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I completely disagree with all the foregoing! It is obvious that the 'Cat has been taken over by leftist neoconservatives who couldn't carry a tune without splitting it into upper and lower registers. You will all be devoured by Moloch, probably covered with catsup and mustard, as soon as Iraq settles the PELs issue with Hull9!

I thought that this was about Bill Shatner's mother. I'm disappointed.


12 May 03 - 11:22 AM (#951038)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Carol:

Terrific picture. I like the way he flies!

Rapaire: I'm sorry -- I think you posted to the wrong thread. Bill Shatner's mother is covered on the "Biggest Mistakes You Ever Made" thread.

BWL: After the movie's done see me about some ocean front property over near the Rio Grande.

A


12 May 03 - 12:07 PM (#951064)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Me too, Amos. He did that picture himself. And, proud mother that I am, I'm also going to brag a little about the fact that he has recently finished filming his first feature length film, which he intends to enter into the Sundance film festival as well as some other film festivals.


12 May 03 - 12:51 PM (#951098)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Well, Yore Majesty, them Hollywood perducer fellers jus' called 'n tole me thet due t' lack uv enuff funds t' bribe th' bord members, thay did not git thet parole they wuz 'spectin'. So, it 'pears thet th' moovee prodjeck is a dead en'.

But, jus' az Ah wuz gonna send Yore Elevatedness this message Ah looks up an' whut do Ah see but CarolC the Sailor Crapper Girl's post sayin' thet her son iz a moovee makin' feller! Whut a stroke uv dumb idjit luck! Mebbe th' moovee will git made after all!

We ankjustly awate knowin' whut happens when Missus Sailor tells her boy uv this golden oppertunity fer emmortality.


Yore frend an' Knower of Thangs


12 May 03 - 02:17 PM (#951172)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,She Who Waits...

So am I, Rapaire! This forum has no respect at all for William Shatner (with the exception of a few enlightened individuals like Khandu and Little Hawk). It's disgusting! I would roll in Bill's toenail clippings if I had the chance to.

- Linda D.


12 May 03 - 03:31 PM (#951215)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Linda:

That's exactly the kind of thing Bill would go out of his way to arrange, especially if they were hoof-trim instead!! I assure you, your dreams CAN be realized; Khandu has an inside line on which he supports, facilitates, nay encourages this sort of obsessive obscenity. I commend you to his good graces and arguable competence.

A


12 May 03 - 04:14 PM (#951247)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Mrs. Bee

Dear People of The Mudcat Cafe,

As you can see, I am not a member of your, purportedly, folk music forum. I am, in fact, the wife of one of your members - a fellow who calls himself "Bee-dubya-ell". I am posting here to ask you to please release my poor husband from the peculiar power that this particular thread, "The Mother of All BS Threads" seems to exert over him.

It all began about a week ago when I began to hear keystrokes and chuckles coming from the other room. Within a few nights the chuckles had been replaced by sounds similar to those emitted by a braying jackass. Then, just a couple of nights ago, I heard an uproar and went to investigate, only to find that my poor husband had flung open the front door and was rolling in the leaf litter while laughing uncontrollably. Well, at that point, I made him show me this particular thread and I must admit to having read the first hundred or so posts. However, I absolutely fail to see what the attraction is. Some wacko from Tupelo pretending to be a king. A fellow Hoosier who unmercifully slaughters the English language. A Canadian who worships William Shatner. A San Diegan that only William F. Buckley could understand. And what in the hell is a Spaw? The only participant who seems to have any sense is Artbrooks who, incidentally, is the only one whom I have actually met in the flesh.

Even after reading this exercise in extended drivel I was willing to just accept that my husband's apparent fixation on this thread is relatively harmless... until last night. My poor husband came to bed at about two o'clock in the morning with an idiot grin on his face and immediately fell asleep. Within minutes he began to have nightmares and cry out in his sleep, "Buzzards! Porta-potties! Ducks! Coots! Sea gulls! Armadillos! Walmart! Lariat! Idjit! Bullshit!". I tried to wake him, but to no avail. I shook him vigorously only to have him mutter, "Nor of things!" or something like that.

People, I am at the end of my rope. I am afraid that if this behavior on the part of my once normal husband does not cease I may be forced to take drastic action. I noticed from what I did read of this thread that some forum members have apparently found cures for their bizarre behaviors at someplace called the NYCFTTS, whatever that stands for. If you think my husband could benefit from a brief stay there, please send details.

Thank you for your indulgence.

Mrs. Bee


12 May 03 - 05:07 PM (#951276)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

My Dere Aynt Bee,

I hab read yore epistol wif great chagrin and wuld like to extent my utmost symphonies to you. My sweet wiff habv also noticed my own eclectric behabiour obv late and haz taken to sitting in front of a fine fountain/buzzard trough thet me and the daughter got her from Big Lotts. She no longer worries about the habf eaten plates of food and other lidder accumulatle at the computee deks but only passes by and I heer a liddle "hheeeeee" sound to come from her, but it iz sort of from down inside summwhar and not at all natchl sounding thez days.

At least she semes farly happy watching the buzzards wash they butts in her new fountain and iz mos' serene now. Mebbe the Royal Pomade Lariat culd find a smimilar objay dart at a BigfLott's near yore place. Ef not I wuld by happy to check ar store heer and see ef thar may be one left wif most ob the peces in the box. Feal free to PM me ef thar iz anything I may do.

Fafefully Yers,
Tweed
F.K.O.T.R.O.T.A.A.T.G.A.P.A.E
(Former Knight of the Realm of Tupelo and All Things Good and Pure and Ethereal)


12 May 03 - 05:10 PM (#951278)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Shucks, Mizz Bee:

Ya know, ya prolly think it looks purdy bad, but just think iffen it was worse!!! Why you could be married to that conniving confidence trickster Sir Harold of the PEruvian Harolds. Worse, you could have sacrificed your precious validity to that hot-air specialist Bell Bong Bigward, the transparent master of all things transparent, the Incarnation of Emptiness Personified. How would that be, then? You'd be suffering considerable more than just listening to a good ole boy like BWL chortle some from time to time, even in the leaf leavings.

Look on the bright side, Mz Bee -- ya got a man with a highly sensitive sensa yewma, ya know?


A


12 May 03 - 05:16 PM (#951284)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge

Tweed, you are a sorry excuse for a man. I thought I should be the first to tell you. This thread, however, has enough latitude to allow room for even you and your ilk (another word Khandu adores...), so I suppose there's little that can be done about it...

* PR


12 May 03 - 05:24 PM (#951286)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Mrs. Bee - You have met Artbrooks in the flesh???!!!

My condolences, Madam. I'm surprised you are still even lucid after an experience like that.

Penelope! O beauteous one, how are you doing? Or to put it in Canadian terms... "How's it goin', eh?" It's always a thrill to read your posts, knowing that they are penned (in a manner of speaking) by what is undoutedly the fairest hand in all of fair England! If it were not for my ongoing pursuit of Winona Ryder, I would purchase air fare to the UK and seek you out, and risk all! (sigh)

- LH


12 May 03 - 06:52 PM (#951328)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Liddle Harg, yore enemation fore the mysterious debusoir, Mz.Pene iz mos disconsettling. Imagine, ef yore horndog brain can, whut the grate singer and acknolegd master lesbian Bill Shitner wuld do ef he wooed this gal and it turned out that it wabez in actualnes the insane and multi-cookied khing KhrispyKhreme ob Mizippi hizzelf! The khning iz a trickster and very ancient indeeb. Rustic Rebel posted a relickt's photo ob him beating hiz own ballsack like a baldrumm or some likewiz Irish percushion thing. Put aside these bass Canadian instincts and smell the bait can.

My advice iz to go and get az many one dollar bills (wif Washington on 'em ef possible) and head for the local topless joint, swill a few Molson's or Toby's or O'keefe's and tuck some bucks til you are sure ob what a gal's plumbing iz post to look like. I think you wil find thar iz much disparity between the poseur, "Mz.RootLegge" and that obv Brandy, Sandi,Candi, or Mandi's.

I habv warned you az enny fellow Mudcat would do az I am allus focussed on becoming a Good, Pure and Ethereal Mudcatter, in spite ob this Mother of All BS thread which has taken me over obv late.

Yerz,
Sir Tweed
F'K'D.UP.L.O.O.N.


12 May 03 - 07:10 PM (#951345)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Sure, BWL (etc. etc. etc.). If you send me the screenplay, I'll pass it on to him. You never know...

Yo, LH, I think Tweed's suggesting that you should spend more time (and money) at the Atherly Arms.


12 May 03 - 07:28 PM (#951354)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Dere CarolC, SailorQueen ob all Canada, Maryland and Georgia,

I hab found, az apparently pore Spaw haz that you can leed a Harg to water but you can't mek him drink. I hope it's not too late for him and thet the sequinned-benecked Mme.Butterledge habv not convoluted him so az he iz unfit fore habving normal relatives wif normal wimmenz, who hab not got extended adam's appells. Try to intercede on hiz behalv even though you are no longer a publick sort of Queen and habv renounced yore legalcy. From this point on I will consort wif you only in regardz to what sorta accordina to obtain an' respect yore abniction ob the Royale Whitehall throne az I now beleive iz yore utmost hope.

Yerz,
Sir Tweed


12 May 03 - 07:50 PM (#951366)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

I don't know what could be wrong with him Tweed. It must be the really long, hard winter they had in Ontario this year. Cabin fever or failing eyesight or something. Maybe Ms Rutledge reminds him of Bob Dylan.


12 May 03 - 08:21 PM (#951386)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Hmmm...My ExoFacto Queen, no amount ob lipgloss wuld ebver make Bob Dylan a good lookin' woman. He habv tried that and also eyeliner to no avail in the past.

LiddleHarg, what are yore deepest fantasies in regard to the beautimus Leftenant O'Hura?

Yerz,
Tweed


12 May 03 - 08:31 PM (#951396)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Whut this thread needs iz.....Bobert!!!!!

Accordin' to my calculations the Boberdz has not posted to this thread since 10:09 PM (MCT) on May 5th. Almost an entire week ago! Now, I understan' thet th' boy iz workin' reel hard tryin' t' git his piece of crap Spartanette trailer in good runnin' order so az t' impress the unwary citizenry of Mississipi with its, errr.... ummmmm.... whatever impresses a Mississippian. But, hey, this thread is MCHITM (Mudcat History in th' Makin'). Ya jus' can't ignore MCHITM on account of dumb things like work or fixin' up a trailer or eatin' or sleepin'. Git widdit, Bobert! Post sum BS! We know you ain't run out of it.

B&ATONKHGTM

(Bruce and All Them Other Names Kenny Has Give to Me)


12 May 03 - 08:41 PM (#951406)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Helloooo all! I am pleased to see how many of you have joined in today! Because of you the...
MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS lives and breathes!

Now, Miss Bee, you actually know artbrooks! In the flesh! Well, well well, are you taking the grand opportunity presented to you? Or, could it be, since you have not read the whole MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS, that you do not know that he, artbrooks, is the Royal Bidet for Everyone?

He is! So, carpe diem!!!

I am certain that after a good, thorough washing, you will feel differently about the whole pastrami! You might well want to go back and read the entire thread and actually find yourself in complete harmony with bee-dubya-ell, the KNOWER OF THINGS!

Try it...you'll like it!

k


12 May 03 - 09:25 PM (#951427)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Sheeney Knause

Hello Mudcat peepel,
My name is Sheeney Knause, pronownsed "Sheen-ey Ka-nawse". Dont kenfuse me wif Shiney Knause, Ah iz not him, Ah iz Sheeney. Ah donut like Shiney Knause.

Ah hab ben lerkin here fer a few daze. Ah fill like Ah knoe yew all reely gudd.

But sum uv yew ar hard to udderstaind, yew talk so funney. Now, Ah udderstain Tweeb. He maiks cents to me. Is the ress uv yew farerners ar sumpin?

Hears whut Ah hab cum to udderstain about all uv yew.
Amus dont talk like nun uv yew, he must be frum summerselse. He prolly hab a gudd haid on his sholder but hit dont make noe difrunce how smart he is ifn he dont make noe cents.

bee duyell uset to talk funy but then he gotto talkin rite, Ah udderstain him almoss as gudd as tweeb.

King Kandyass must not be frum enywhur Ah ever heered uv caws he is not ferzakerly rapped too-tite an his dough dint git all the way dun.

Spaw? Not thet is a stranjun! Is he whut yew call hughmen? He is sorda like Kingkantankerous, his elervader dont go all the way up

Carol Crapper the Saller C gurl, whut kinda name iz thet? She gotsta be one uv them farerners to, and she drives them Honder Accordeons?

Rusty Rebel iz alot like me, old and rusty but crusty. Ah thank Ah like her. Iz she maired?

Thairs jest to minny uv yew to talk about, but Ah iz hairpie thet Ah fount this tread I have lernt alot and this tread makes alot uv sense to me, but thet mey be jist caws Ah is one of the smart Knauses

Yer Feind, Sheeney


12 May 03 - 09:57 PM (#951440)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: catspaw49

I just posted this on the other thread and I think it fits here as well!!!!

Ya' know Ken, when I get to worryin' and frettin' over the fact that I know I have multiple screws more than a little loose, I think of you and about a dozen others in this place and I realize......

There is more than one Bozo on this bus.........

Spaw


12 May 03 - 10:09 PM (#951447)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

To change the subject for a moment or two, I'd like to put forth some questions to you. Things that I ponder, things I don't know, answers I need, to help my mind flow.

1. Do blind people dream in color?
2. Is there still fish-fuck in the water, when it goes through a filter?
3. Do people who have cats also have hairballs in their stomachs?
4. Do accordian players actually get paid for playing?
5. If you pulled the wings off a fly, would it be called a walk?
6. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
7. Could it really be true what Tweed said about Khandu and Tanuki being one and the same? (You are a tricky one, oh King!)

*Note* I will not be offended if I recieve no answers, I actually wouldn't blame a soul if this post went completely unnoticed, forgotten, rejected,and/or deleted.
P-L Rustic


12 May 03 - 10:13 PM (#951448)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dude, not only is there more than one Bozo on this bus, in this part of th' bus it's all Bozos.

Bruce


12 May 03 - 10:31 PM (#951460)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Rustic Rebel,PURVEYOR OF BEAUTY AND POETESS-LARIAT
The King would never allow any of your post to go ignored if he can help it!

Now, as to the q&a:
1. Do blind people dream in color?

Only if they have been reading the closed-captions on a color TV
2. Is there still fish-fuck in the water, when it goes through a filter?

Fish-fuck is still there...in fact, it is like Santa Clause, it is everywhere.
3. Do people who have cats also have hairballs in their stomachs?

Only if they enjoy fried cat (which is quite tasty!)
4. Do accordian players actually get paid for playing?

Do you call what they do with an accordian "playing"?
5. If you pulled the wings off a fly, would it be called a walk?

Yes, I know from personal experience, I had a house full of walks when I was a wee child.
6. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Vegetarians are not sane, therefore, they may eat what they wish and not be held accountable.
7. Could it really be true what Tweed said about Khandu and Tanuki being one and the same? (You are a tricky one, oh King!)

There is more to be considered and less to be assumed.

Of course, it would be best to ask bee-dubya-ell, for he is the KNOWER OF THINGS

I do hope that I have given comfort in your quest for answers.

Kk


12 May 03 - 10:40 PM (#951470)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Ah toldja, dammitt, Ah only knows a coupla things 'n anythin' havin' t' do wif Khandu n' Nooky ain't one uv 'em.

Bee-dubya ell, Knower of Justa Few Damned Things


12 May 03 - 11:03 PM (#951480)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

NOTICE OF MUDCAT MOMENTOUS OCCASION!!!!

The cummulative total number of posts to the "Happy Birthday, Spaw" thread and "The Mother of All BS Threads" has now reached or exceeded 500 posts. Way to go, whackos! Truly a milestone in the anals of bullshit! Now let's give 'em our cheer!

Whatta we want?
BULLSHIT
Whatta we need?
BULLSHIT
Whatta we got?
BULLSHIT
Whatter we full of?
BULLSHIT

Bruce or any of them other names you wanna call me by but just don't call me late for dinner.


12 May 03 - 11:10 PM (#951485)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

YAY!!! ENCORE! ENCORE!!
Let's have another one just like the other one!!!

Kk

YAY!!! ENCORE! ENCORE!!

Let's have another one just like the other one!

Kk


12 May 03 - 11:13 PM (#951487)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Tweed, I do not fantasize about Lieutenant O'Hara, whoever the hell that is...!

I do fantasize over Winona Ryder, Penelope Rutledge, Diana Rigg, Tammy (the dispatcher at the local Ontario Provincial Police station), Amy (the waitress at a certain Ontario coffeehouse), and various other females... all of whom have certain excellent points in common. Were I to list them, it would go on for quite a long time, so I won't.

What is the nature of those fantasies? Come now, Tweed, you're a man aren't you? Think about it. Do you really need me to spell out this kind of thing for you? I don't think so. I'll give you a clue, though....I'm romantic, and I hate Frank Frazetta's art. I prefer women with real class, like the Elf ladies in Lord of the Rings...and they're not that easy to find in this braindead culture.

I even wrote a whole fantasy song about Winona, though...I'll send it to you sometime.

Cheers,

- LH


12 May 03 - 11:21 PM (#951493)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

He's no fun... he fell right over!


12 May 03 - 11:40 PM (#951500)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Huh? Say what?


12 May 03 - 11:54 PM (#951504)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

LH:

have you told Khandu, King of Etc., that you are harboring the girl known as Amy -- the one who left her soul dappled all over his brain? If not, you had better do so, or Orillia can surely look forward to an imminent invasion by the State of Mississippi. This being on the grounds that you are cultivatin wenches of mammary distraction...

A


13 May 03 - 12:28 AM (#951522)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Umm...I think that would be some other Amy, Amos. Got to be. Anyway, I'm not "harboring" Amy, I'm just a bit distracted by her.

Tweed has requested the lyrics I wrote in honour of Winona Ryder. Here they are:

        Perfect World (Winona)                                 
                                                               
I could take you out tonight
In a perfect world
In the glow of the harbour lights
In a perfect world
We would be the best of friends
To the limit, to the end
And never fall out of love again
Winona!

I could help you remove your boots
In a perfect world
Help you out of your parachute
In a perfect world
We could dance, baby, we could fly
Pirouette across the sky
Under the moonbeams you and I
Winona!

In a perfect world you would be my girl...

I could hold your hand in mine
In a perfect world
I could pour you a glass of wine
In a perfect world
I could even bite your neck
Hoist your sails and swab your deck
Go out to dinner and write the check
Winona!

I could have you by my side
In a perfect world
You could be my gypsy bride
In a perfect world
Under the spreading chestnut tree
There on the clover we would be
Together unto eternity
Winona!

In a perfect world you would be my girl...

Then everything would be so fine
In a perfect world
I'd be yours and you'd be mine
In a perfect world
Everybody would be in love
From the valley to the stars above
But it's you I'd be thinkin' of
Winona!

And What a movie we could make
In a perfect world
What a scene, baby, what a take
In a perfect world
Better than Bogart and Bacall
Better than Brando ten feet tall
Smokin' like a cannonball
Winona!

In a perfect world you would be my girl...
In my dreams it's a perfect world...
And in a perfect world you would be my
girl...

Copyright   ©   1994   George Coventry
Words and Music by George Coventry


The song was written in the mid-90's, and Winona was in a lot of great movies at the time. The "bite your neck" line was inspired by seeing her in "Bram Stoker's Dracula". That and "Little Women" remain my all time favorite Winona movies. I'll watch practically anything if it's got Winona Ryder in it.

- LH


13 May 03 - 12:35 AM (#951525)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

I do fantasize over Winona Ryder, Penelope Rutledge, Diana Rigg, Tammy (the dispatcher at the local Ontario Provincial Police station), Amy (the waitress at a certain Ontario coffeehouse), and various other females... all of whom have certain excellent points in common...."

Dere Hoss,
The only thing thar iz in common wif yore examples iz that all but one of them iz wimmin wif the oblivus exception ob Mz.Penal Rankbottom who iz in reality the nefarimous khing khandar, or mebbe the legendary fiddler Oakley, I am not sure which just yet. Thar iz a Punch the Horse thread chock full ob BS that I read and it seams this Okee haz made some sort ob shrine to the harpy and hab displayed the abominable thing in a pig sty so you are not alone in yore temple ob maddness.   

I don't know much about Frank Frazetta but I would never name a daughter of mine Frank so we are perdy much agreed wif that one.
It does greive me though to heer ob yore incarsenation by the O.P.P. but it seems you found a fine gal while there so that iz only right. Hopefully she fed you all walleyes and no pickerls (which I waz nearly kilt from eating az they are full ob bones).

I will close for the nite senz it's late and I have yet to check the Ebay for Cajun-type accordeens which I enjoy looking at and iz my only vice since I've all but quit cigarettes and squandering cash on vintage Vampirella magazines.

Yerz,
Tweed


13 May 03 - 01:00 AM (#951530)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

LOL! This thread is going to become legendary...

- LH


13 May 03 - 09:23 AM (#951709)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

LH,

It is obviously the same woman as in Khandu's song, and whille you are not harbopring her, given te INTENSITY of the impact she had on Khandu before he became King, as a result of a very unstable and shall I say FICKLE character, it would be wise to tell him honestly that you have her up in Canada/ He thinks she went to Mexico. He was powful upset and had a scheme to recover her by traveling via Ireland -- don't ask. Anyway, tell him you've got Amy in Canada.

Wear your MOPP suit.

Very best,


A


I didn't know you were Coventry material!! I got sent there recently, didn't see you there!! Maybe you were out opn an alias or sompn.


13 May 03 - 09:55 AM (#951727)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Okay, so maybe it is the same Amy. She's definitely in Canada. She has really neat shoulders, and she's an excellent server.

Is that "Mother of Purple Prose" suit?

- LH


13 May 03 - 10:17 AM (#951737)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: catspaw49

Hawk, I know you to be a man of catholic taste, but your ode to Winona really shows you to be past that and on towards "sick." Really man..........

In the first verse you relate her to perhaps a sailboat. I can see that okay, but then you go on in the second verse to treat her as a member of the 82nd Airborne! What's with that??? Then along comes verse three where she is either back to a sailboat that needs a scrubdown or an alchoholic and you're a friggin' vampire with a Diner's Club. In verse four she seems to have morphed into a Roma lass who is about to have a Menage a Trois with you and the Village Smithy!

Man, I had to quit reading at that point. It was getting way too bizarre. You need to see a shrink 'cause things don't seem to be too copacetic in your brain!!!

Spaw


13 May 03 - 10:21 AM (#951741)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

MOPP is Mission-Oriented Protective Pantaloons or some such -- the hot poppa suits worn by troops in areas where radiation is high.

A


13 May 03 - 02:23 PM (#951911)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Shiney Knause

Hello Mudcat Fokes,

Mah nem iz Shiney Knause, pernownsed "Shi-nee Ka-nowse". Ah berlieb youn's hab all reddy met thet worfless peece uv dawg-doo, Sheeney Knause. Fer wunce in his mizzerble life thet varmint wuz rite 'bout sumfin. He don' like me 'n Ah shore az Hell don' like hem. Lotsa peeples seems t' thank thet sense ar nems 'r so simular thet we iz brutherz er sumfin. Nuffin cood be futher ferm th' troof. He iz a low-life peece uv buzzard-bate.

Whut he duz thet piss me off so bad iz go 'roun t' places lak this'n on this Innernet thang 'n post hatefull, spitefull n' enflametary thangs. Then he hawlz ass off somere's else. Well, Ah uzhally cumz along a fue dayz later 'n when peeple sees mah nem thay go, "Thet's thet ass-hole thet said blah, blah, blah!" 'n choo'z me a new ass-hole wen Ah ain't dun a damm thang rong 'sept t' hab a simular nem to thet worfless sack uv maggits.

Well, az youn's kin see, Ah'm 'bout t' ketch up wid thet horse turd. Ah iz only a fue ours behin' hem now. 'N wen Ah ketches uppta hem ya'll jus bedder look out! 'Cause sparkz iz gonna bygodd fly thet's gonna mek th' Fortha July look lak a prayer meetin'! Yu heer me, Sheeney Knause? Ah'm cummin' after yore worfless ass! 'N Ah'm closer then yu thank, yu bagga pon' slime!

O, by th' way, th stuff thet th' sack uv snakeshit sed 'bout ya'll fokes iz mos'ly lies. Ah kin unnerstan' all uv yuns purty good 'sept fer thet Amos feller. He'z ferm thet Caleefornya place, ain't he?


13 May 03 - 03:45 PM (#951965)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

HE is, yes, Snidely. He's very big, very strong,, very scarey, has a very deep vpoce and eats twelve-strings for breakfast. His hands are registered lethal weapons -- he has to report in to the police when he intends to place them on a stringed instrument. He can kill a man with nothing more than an augmented chord. And he has a very, very short temper. He's built like a brick shithouse, too.

Just so you're ready.

A


13 May 03 - 05:46 PM (#952050)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

No, I've changed my mind.

I agree with everything everyone has said.


13 May 03 - 05:50 PM (#952054)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

This has got to be the most bolloxed up collection of half-dim thoughts since grandma got hit on the head by a gallon jug of the best. I swan.

Well actually, I don't swan, but I know someone who does....

A


13 May 03 - 06:13 PM (#952066)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Amos, I didn't know that anyone had ever actually swanned. All the swanner's I've ever known (and my maternal grandmother was a swanner of great renown) have always said, "I'll swan". That puts the actual act of swanning at some unspecified point in the future. They are saying that they will swan, but not naming the time at which this swanning will take place. I always sort of assumed that when one got to Heaven St. Peter would pull out a book that listed the number of times one had said, "I'll swan," and one had to, then, swan that many times before being allowed through the gates.

Only on The Mother of All BS Threads could anyone get away with posting such drivel without being threatened by angry mobs.

Bruce


13 May 03 - 07:30 PM (#952119)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

I don't think I like anyone puttin' down that buttercup of a man Sheeney. He seems like a suave, chivalrous caballero to me, even if he does admit to being crusty. Why, I even heard he has an original Peter Max painting of the series, 'Crappers'. There's gotta be something to that.

King K. You have eased my mind and calmed my spirit with answers to my quest for knowledge. I once again feel attuned to the earth and will sleep well tonight. Although I still wonder how the blind dream.
PoB and P-L Rustic

ps. There will be a total eclipes of the moon on Thursday,
the blood moon is what I heard it called today.
It will start at 10:13 central time,
a day away from full and in it's prime.
53 minutes of shadow we'll see,
I think I'll watch it, sitten up in a tree.


13 May 03 - 08:23 PM (#952145)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Naw, naw naw, my dear Jessup!!! What the hail is wrong with you? You got the original tape, you got the Mudcat CD Series, yet you still don't know...IT AIN'T "AMY"!!!!!! IT IS "EMMY"..."EMMY"

" 'EMMY'
been married 'bout fourteen times", you mondegreener!

"EMMY", not "AMY"!!

Kk

PS...THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREAD QUIZ will be soon appearing with a great prize for the one who wins! Keep them eyes peeled!!!

K


13 May 03 - 08:40 PM (#952153)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

YAHOO!!!! HOT DAMN!!!! OH BOY!!!!

I'ze gud at kwizzes!

B etc.


13 May 03 - 09:14 PM (#952166)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: catspaw49

I had an Emmy once.....made me shit my ass off.

Spaw


13 May 03 - 09:47 PM (#952176)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Yeah, Spawzer, my Emmy caused me to shat a few times!

HERE IT IS!!! THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREAD QUIZ!!!

Each question is worth 10 points. The bonus is worthless. The person who gets them all correct FIRST shall win a...

SINGED BEARMAT!!!!!

Naw...just foolin'!

A signed photo of someone!

All questions are music-related (as is the answers!) except one (to make it harder!), it is TV related.

So here goes!

THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREAD QUIZ!!!!



!1…The first in the trio, the guitarist/singer died in 1970, the bassist died Sunday. If things follow a pattern, the drummer better watch out in 2036! Who is the drummer?

2…"Your wise men don't know how it feels to be…" WHAT?

3…Hootie and the Blowfish quoted what Dylan song in one of their songs?

4…The "Blues Magoos" had one "hit" in the mid-sixties. What was it?

5… The chord progression of "Hotel California" was inspired by what song?

6…This lap-slide player/singer/songwriter says he would not have ever learned to play had he not heard MJH. He was also on "Avalon Blues", the Hurt tribute album. Who is he?

7…Who starred as Quentin Collins?

8…"------- bound, ------- bound, it's good to be ------- bound". Fill in the blank. Who wrote the song?

9…This session drummer for many artists (Derek and the Dominoes, Zappa, Lennon, etc.) killed his mom and is in prison. Who is he?

10…Roger Miller covered this song, then Janis Joplin. What was it?

Bonus! It gets you no points but I am taking a poll!
Spaw's farts are:
(A)        Delightful
(B)        Pleasantly pungent
(C)        Pleasantly putrid
(D)        All the above

Go to it, boys and grills!

k


13 May 03 - 09:52 PM (#952177)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Your Majesty:

Sorry, I was raised in a far distant land where the two words don't sound the same. Otherwise, I assure you, I would have differentiated between them! :>)

A


13 May 03 - 10:17 PM (#952186)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

LOL, Amos Wiseguy! But you didn't put your great mentality to the quiz! Don't you want an autographed photo of somebody???

With this post, we pass the "Happy Birthday, Spaw" thread!!!!!!!

Guess I'll go post there just to keep it even!

A little less than a month to go before the real birthday, so we need some post-ers over there!

K


13 May 03 - 11:10 PM (#952206)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Answurs two kwiz

#1 Mitch Mitchell
#2 Thick as a brick
#3 "Tangled Up in Blue"
#4 "We Ain't Got Nothin' Yet"
#5 Don't know, but I play "Hotel California" on the banjo. Do I get extra credit?
#6 David Lindley
#7 David Selby
#8 Alberta bound: Gordon Lightfoot
#9 Jim Gordon
#10 "Me and Bobby McGee"

Knower of Sum Things - Googler of th' Rest


13 May 03 - 11:17 PM (#952210)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

That iz prolly the mos' f*(&^UP qwizz ever thought up by ennyone living today. Alzo Clear Channel Empiradio habv warped yore already twisted brain....Eagles?...Hotel California? Dammit, I yam staggered nearly unto catatonia thet thar iz nothin' regarding the allus repugnant FreeBird in that list.

#11 What seventies hit's bridge waz so long and irritating thet pore Tweed, the Good Pure and Allus Ethereal, iz caused to rant and make loud swears in public houses and traffic whenever it iz played on the radio. (Besides Hotel obv California)

Whar iz the multipell choice you did promise? I yam uncertain but I don't fink I got one right...except mebbe the SpawFart bonus where I marely checked everthing twice an' entered a phony Email address.


Yerz,
Tweed the Blissful


"WAAAAAAAAAAHH, Shoot this thang! Ar Shoot up here amongst us....One of us got to get some relief!"
from the BoarCoon Story by Jerry Clowers,the One True Bard and Historian of All Things Mississippian, who somehow knew this Mother of all BS Threadswould appear one day and left this cryptic message for future generations.


13 May 03 - 11:22 PM (#952211)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

It is the character of great wisdom to be willing to go among the deeps and the low crevices of human thought, untarnished. That is all the test I need here! :>)

A


14 May 03 - 12:01 AM (#952241)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Regarding the Winona song, Spaw...whaddya mean? The lyrics are inspired... :-)

Anyway, y' got to realize how I write lyrics, my friend. I don't premeditate them or preplan anything, they just happen in a natural way...and they come out exactly as they are meant to by whatever mysterious power uses me to write them. I surrender to the muse. That's the only way to write a good song as far as I'm concerned, though some people do it exactly the other way around...like Al Stewart with "Roads To Moscow" (which is a great song). Fine with me, but that's not how I usually do it.

- LH


14 May 03 - 12:31 AM (#952251)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Mark Cohen

Hey Carol, you broke the President!!

Aloha,
Mark

Oh, by the way, beedub, the answer to the one you missed is "false".


14 May 03 - 09:20 AM (#952445)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Shucks, I thought the answer to #8 was "dominatrix".


14 May 03 - 12:28 PM (#952552)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

So...where's Momma?

Oh. There she is.

Lovely day, isn't it?

- LH


14 May 03 - 12:43 PM (#952558)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

More sugar!!!


14 May 03 - 12:47 PM (#952560)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

regarding the "I swan" - a was told -= by someone who I respect , but also that I know has absolutley no qulifications to answer a question of this type - that "swan" in this case present conditional and/or future conditional of the verb "to swoon"


14 May 03 - 12:54 PM (#952565)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Could be, Mario -- the sense in the contexts I have heard it in would then mean something like "WOBH" or "Blow me down!" or "Shiver me timbers!" or "Well, I'll be..." or other phrases of that ilk. I had always thought it had the connotation of "I'll swear!" which makes it a little more akin to "WTFO?" or "Aw, shit". But that's just an unqualified opinion.

A


14 May 03 - 01:01 PM (#952571)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

we're back to ilk, eh? Them ilk sure do get around!


14 May 03 - 01:25 PM (#952584)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Yeah -- we're swept up in a voracious epidemic of mad ilk disease -- everything seems related to everything else! :>) The malady affects the kith centers in the brain, which are right under the Kin lobe, I believe....


A


14 May 03 - 01:47 PM (#952595)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

'mad ilk disease' ? isn't that what wiped out the Red Ilk in Ireland?


14 May 03 - 05:14 PM (#952715)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Among those great expressions of surprise and astonishment, like..."Jumpin' Jehosaphat!" "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!" "Blow me down!" and so on...

is this one:

"Dog bite my pecker!!!"

I knew a guy named Brian Cresswell who used to use it regularly. He had a number of weird expressions all his own. Another was "Shoot the hermit!". It meant "Go for broke".


14 May 03 - 07:22 PM (#952797)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

I just wuld like to shar wif all you an expeshully lord Khing Khringling a pic of the OFFICIAL TWEEDSBLUES.NET MAGNETIC SIGN. The Blueslady habv made this thing for me and the Boberdz to stick on hiz Toyota during the Crusade to the Holy Delta Lands next week and ef Khandoo iz able still to read block letters, will help him to spot us in the heabvy traffic ob Como, Mizippi. It iz verry darn cool and that ain't no BS! ;~)

***CLIKC HARE FOR VEIWING THE OFFISHELL MAGNETIC SIGN***

Yerz,
Tweed


14 May 03 - 07:25 PM (#952799)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Mighty fine sign, Mistuh Tweed -- fit for a King, no mistake!!!


A


14 May 03 - 07:41 PM (#952806)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Funny you might say such a thing Amos! Wif a MAGNETIC SIGN such az that, khandar's downtrodden subjekts will no doubt flock to the side obv All that Is Good Pure and Ethereal. They will recorbnarz that true nobility rides in the Toyaota which habz such a sticker on it!

Stay tuned to CNN for my 'TIME FOR REGIME CHANGE IN MIZIPPI" speech and press conference. I will be using terms like "willy-nilly"and "We will find him, make no mistake." and "Time fore kingkhandu will larn about good old Ethereal American Justice"


14 May 03 - 07:49 PM (#952807)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

KNOWER OF THINGS You made a miserable 70%!!! EVEN WITH GOOGLE!!!!! I am incensed!!!!

And the rest of you tweediots, I shall speak more later!!!

Kk


14 May 03 - 08:33 PM (#952817)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Sheeney Knause

Ah wuz disserpointed to see Shiney Knause on this heer farum. He is a low down lier and rat. Sence he hab spoke so bad bout me, I muss teel the truff bout him.

Me and Shiney are identicated Chimese Twins. We bof got compleet bodys but we ar hooked togather. His nose is ertached to the low end ob my spine. Oir mommer say thet she went out wif her boyfiend, Tom and hiz brudder, Tom junyer. She say thay hab thair way wif her and got her stagnent. Then we wuz borned. She say thet Ah is Tom's boy but Shiney iz Tom Junyers. I bleeve it.

Shiney is a bitter feller frum havin to haver hiz nose at my butt, but thet is life. Yew gotta make the beast of it.

Last week, we moved heer to Alabamer and on oir first day, we wuz erested and chunked in jell. They say it iz a "morls charge" they holdin us on. They say butt kissin in pubic places aint aloud in Alabamer. I trod to splain it to them thet we wuz Chimese twins but they say "Tail it to the Juggs".

We still in jell but they have a liberry so the poiseners cud lern, thets how I git to play on the cumputter!

But ole Shiney, he dont lack it when I tail peepel he is a brown-noser and a suck-arse. It make him mad. Sumtime when he mad he bite my butt. But I gits back at him and eat sum spinnish and pintoes. Boy! He turn green!!!

So dont lissen to enythang he say caws hiz brane iz been comtamernatred over the yearz by persion gasses from my arse.

I wanna take Kinkydu's quiz sence bee-dubyell felled it so mizzerbly and I wont cheet like him caws I wont wair no Googles!

1 Thetd be eazy. The band iz dino dezzy and billy. I thank the drumber is dezzy. His daddy wuz thet Ardo feller on "Isle Uv Lucy" on Teevee. I dont knoe whos daddy wuz billys.

2 Your wise men don't know how it feels to be...erested in Alabamer on a morls charge.

3 Hooter and the Blowjobs sucked on the Dylan song "Idjit Wind"

4Blues Magoos? I don't knoe him, but I knue Red Magoos, he lived down thair on the Perkins place, the one thet had the bent cat. Peepel'd cum fer miles to see thet bent cat, we never did knoe how the dammed thang got bent though. Ole Red Magoos allus spekerlated it wuz in a car reck, but I never did see no cat drive a car. Red had a hit once. He sed it was ascid er sumpn lack it. He also called it Ellis Dee or eether Ellis Dee solt it to him. He went boggers affer thet.

5 Hotel California...Thet querschun kin be fingered out usin gudd old logic. The preecher thru him out and locked the door, so the boy hab to go summers, so he checked in to the Hotl Californee.

6 Lap slide player?? Iz thet enythang lack a slidin bored player?

7 Quentin Collins? I knue Finus Collins and he hab a hole passel uv kids, I thank thair'us one named Quentin, but No body played wif him caws he wuz allsu gittin in to trubbel. Old Finus finly run him off.

8"------ bound" Thets eazy. My mommer allus sung it to us. It wuz "Whupped and bound, whupped and bound, it's gudd to be whupped and bound".

9 Musta been old Grover Glover who kilt his own maw. He tuk some of thet Ellis Dee wif Red Magoo. He went rinkydink in hiz haid too. Kilt the bent cat.

10...Roger Miller did it and Janis Joplin did it and beedubell say it wuz him an Bobby Magee they did. I dont knoe, beedubyell but I warnt be tellin everboddy thet. They mite git the rong ideer. I knoed old man Magee was a odd'un but I didn't knoe Bobby wuz.

Now, bout them spaw farts, old Shiney cud anser thet, he the fart pro!

Sheeney Knause


14 May 03 - 08:40 PM (#952821)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Sheeney Knause agin

I mest up on nuber 5

Hotel Calif...based on Californyer Dreemin...the feller, if memry serves, stopped in to a church. The preeche got tard uv him hangin round, not puttin enythang in the kerleckshun plate and chased him out and locked the door. The feller had to go summers so he checked into a hotel!


14 May 03 - 08:46 PM (#952824)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Wal, Dog bite mah pecker if there ain't signs of Reee-volushun in the AIR~!!!! Now this is more like it!! We gonna get a Better King? Or are we gonna lissen to reason one time? I think this is an excellent practice and rehearsing for the incitation to the revolution that must someday come to the down trodden people of the Butch Colernies, them as have so taxed they cain't even pee without shelling out and have no futhher respeck for their feller men because times is so desperate for a buck.

There is a few writers we mought wanna lissen to about all this, that Adams feller was good, Misth Paine, and there ain't none like Old Tom J., and mebbe we could adapt some of his ideas to this here century? But we gotta handle the revolutionary requirement first, I reckon, and ah yam deelighted tuh see you boys warming up fer it!


A

A


14 May 03 - 09:16 PM (#952835)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Amos,
I don't know about the rest of the oblivous great men you hab named but thar is a barbecue place in Memphis called Paynes Barbecue and I have reports from my spies thet it iz the best around, so I will speak wif them people at Paine's and take thar council on usurping the Evil king kharmaKhameleons'power.

The best way around all this may be to just allow hiz mizerable self to excape off to Alabama wif our aid, az that tactic semes to hab worked well in recent times in other world arenas.

I will be gladdened to see hiz statues toppled though, az I'm shore most ob hiz misused subjeks will oslo.

More than likel he iz barricaded in hiz underground bunker in fear obv the approaching OFFICIAL TWEED'S BLUES MAGNETIC SIGN!!! Thar iz no excape Lord Khondom, we will libelate Mizippi and break yore evil hold upon all who dwell there too.


14 May 03 - 09:41 PM (#952839)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

I am in on this quiz- some I knew, some I guessed and some searching.
1.Mitch Mitchell
2.Thick as a Brick
3.Tangled up in Blue
4. Tobacco Road
5.Bach's "Double Concerto"
6.Bill Morrissey
7. David Selby
8.Alberta Bound-Gorden Lightfoot
9. Jim Gorden killed his mom with a hammer
10.Me and Bobby McGee
And the bonus question- I am forced by knowing who created this question to pick...A.

PoB & P-L Rustic


14 May 03 - 09:48 PM (#952842)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Close, but no cigar (nor autographed photo of somebody!)

You missed four!

I will deal with the Tweediots who believe Tweed later!!

Kk


14 May 03 - 10:00 PM (#952844)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Okay. I will make it more interesting, not much more, but a little more!

To the first person who gets all the correct answers, I will send a tape of two of my songs, one of which my daer Jessup was too "shakin' in his shorts" scared to put on the Mudcat CD, and which Sir Pee in his Pants Tweed was to scared to put on his website for fear of female reprisals, called "You're Just a Woman".

The other song is a delightful romp called "The Tamale Song" which has special guests (horses, cats, dogs and apes) joining in!

Winner gets Two Original khandu Songs!

Kk


14 May 03 - 10:01 PM (#952847)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Ok King Khandu-I'll change my answer on Number 4. to Psychedelic Lollipop and 6. to Taj Mahal.
RR


14 May 03 - 10:25 PM (#952854)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I no longer agree or disagree with anything or everything said before or after this. I shall, instead, sit on this fencepost and make rude noises at everyone.

Here's one you can try. Fill in the blank: "...for the cops they all retire young way up in ___________________________."


14 May 03 - 10:45 PM (#952863)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Dammit Rapaire,
And I thought this BS was causing ME to become a liddle unhinged!!!

Kharnads, Yore days are numbered and we will see who iz pissing on the rug then!!HAW.

Yerz,
Tweed
Dauphin De Mizippi


15 May 03 - 12:16 AM (#952891)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Your Majesty:

Like your infamous predecessor George the III you are tilting at the prospect of revolution. The reason "Just a Woman" was not on the Cat CDs was I ran outter space on them. I dearly wanted to include it becauseof its overwhelming bitterness and sardonicism but I couldn't justify a whole extra disk just to squeeze it in there, you see. My pusillanimituy is reserved for much better things, like shapely lasses with very short tempers and eyes that glow like hell-coals and talons that glimmer like the devil's razor. The kind you grow over theah, come to think of it...

A


15 May 03 - 02:06 AM (#952908)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Well all-right Mr. Sparty-Pants Khing Khernoodle. Let's try a REAL quiz this time! Hah! Let the battle of the kwizzes begin! No more "Hotel California" questions allowed!


1. Name at least three songs from the late 60's/early 70's whose titles refer to street names for LSD. ("Lucy in the Sky" ain't one of 'em.)

2. Two well-known acoustic guitar models were made by rival companies as the signature guitars for two well-known singing cowboys. What are the guitars and who were the cowboys? For extra credit, what was the more famous of the two cowboys biggest hit and who wrote it? Surprise!

3. For many years, rock guitarist Ted Nugent played a guitar model more commonly associated with jazz players. What was it?

4. What has been an item of English bluesman John Mayall's onstage attire since the 60's. (Don't be a smart-ass and answer "pants".)

5. Two late 60's/early 70's Florida garage bands of note were "The Second Coming" and "The One Percent". What did they change their names to.

6. True or false?   Eric Clapton is the only member of Derek and the Dominoes who is still alive, and not in a prison or a mental institution.

7. Frank Zappa's father was A) a symphony conductor B) a high school teacher C) a policeman D) Zappa never knew his father.

8. What noted guitarist auditioned for Linda Ronstadt's band and was told that the audition was over when he put a capo on his guitar?

9. John Hartford was well-known for dancing on an amplified stomp-box while playing the fiddle. What electronic device, more commonly associated with rock guitarists, did he incorporate into the amplification to give the stomp-box its unique sound?

10. Where and on what date was the largest assembled crowd to ever see and hear Jimi Hendrix perform live. (Hint: It wasn't Woodstock. Lots of people had already left Woodstock before Jimi ever got on stage.)

I ain't gonna play no "first person to get 'em all right gets a crappy little demo tape of my song about th' night I picked up Jesus while he was hitchin' down Interstate 10" games. Anybody get's 'em all right gets a free weekend at the Sandy Landing Yacht and Racquet Club! (Transportation and meals not included. Bring your own tent.)

BWL - Knower of 70% of Things


15 May 03 - 01:57 PM (#953230)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Well Jesus Kwist if that don't beat all for the decline of empire. Here we have a score of the brightest and the best, a virtual Camelot, dedicated to the proposition that they can build a thread that will be the very best of all things BS and take over the world and win peace and freedom for all, feed the poor of spirit and raise up the downtrodden and the overly serious, and after a great start, a mere 250-some threads into this world class venture, it has degenerated into a quiz game!!

Well, I swan. Or, at least, I know someone who does. Anyway, I want to know what the Monarch of Mudcat Madness -- whichever of the three will answer -- proposes to do about this depressing dissipation and dispersal of energies. Surely we can do better than this!!

A


15 May 03 - 03:39 PM (#953283)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Shoes for industry!!!


15 May 03 - 04:06 PM (#953296)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

but Ahmoose! The quizes quizs multiple quiz items are pretty copralithic, you have to admit!


15 May 03 - 06:05 PM (#953383)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Shoes for defense!


15 May 03 - 07:20 PM (#953418)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

I ain't never been a copralithographer, but if you'll pass me my crayons I'll give it some practice.... :>)


A


15 May 03 - 09:27 PM (#953481)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

To watch buffoons lavishing in their buffoonery is such a fun and delightful thing to watch! Amos and Tweed!!! HAW HAW HAW!!!!

First of all, Dear Jessup, I still got the PM you sent saying YOU WERE AFRAID OF A FEMININE BACKLASH!!!! Now, you come up with the lame, transparent pissery of an excuse! You figured that ole King khandu would not archive every PM he has ever received...every single one of them....butYOU ARE WRONG!!! as usual! HAW HAW HAW!!!

Dated and signed...solid evidence!!! Scaredy kitty Amos...those short tempered women you described would cause you to act like Tweed...pee down your pants leg!!

As for the Doofus of the Realm of Tupelo, Sir Tweed, Haw!! You think that sign is gonna cause my subjects to flock to you like flies on a cow's ass?. First...remember, that sign is magnetic, not glued on. It can come off really easily. But better than that, you pisspot, my people will not flock to your sign at all because Not one of them can read!!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!! This is MISSISSIPPI, you know!
Hell man, how do you think I got to be King??? I CAN READ!! OH...I am sorry Tweed...maybe I should have said "Yew thank thet sine iz gonner caws my subjex to fluck to yew lack fleyes on a cowzass...etc." Perhaps then you could have understood it better

bee-dubya-ell the KNOWER OF PIGSHIT, you made up your quiz only because you felt so dumb for miserably failing my SIMPLE quiz!

Rustic Rebel and KNOWER OF DIDDLYSQUAT, I made a mistake in scoring. The Hootie and Blowfish song did refer to "Tangled Up...", but it also referred to another Dylan song more extensively. The other song was the one I was thinking of, but since you named that one, you get credit for that question.

Still, no one yet wins the two khandu songs, one of which makes Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Amos tinkle from their tallywhackers into their little footies.

If no winner by tomorrow night, I will give the correct answers Saturday.

KING-yesterday-today-forever-khandu


15 May 03 - 10:17 PM (#953502)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Guess ya caught me open-hearted, there, Kingie -- I was straight forward about telling my reserved pusillanimity algorithm, you will admit, but I also have this chivalrous streak and in general my experience has shewn that the fairer types don't mind really being terrifying but they ABsolutely don't want anyone pointing it out or blowing their cover on the business. So I try to honor their needs and requirements, and not reveal the seamy side of femininity, so to speak.

Since you did so, I wish you the best of inherited winds.

Now, I admit the song "After All You're Just a Woman" is musically fine and a good song basically, and I would like to volunteer to send it out to hordes of admiring females on your behalf. Please send me a list of all the significant women in your life to date, and I will make sure they get personally addressed copies of this performance, which I must say has high professional standards.

Please include any data you can find about your next of kin and HMO, also.

Very best regards,


A


15 May 03 - 10:27 PM (#953506)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Hmmmm. Methinks it was very subliminal of you to italicize the word "Your" in the songs title.

Oh yes...one more thingy...The sub-title of the song is "With Apologies to All Women except Emmy".

That is "EMMY, not Amy!

Ken


15 May 03 - 10:29 PM (#953507)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Uh...I meant the word "JUST".

Kk


15 May 03 - 10:33 PM (#953510)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Another iten, there, Amos.

From your last post, I think it is clear why you were considered for the "Golden Tongued Double Talker". You are slick! Just look at how you oiled the revelation of the archived PM into a thing of chivalry!

Have you ever ran for public office?

Kk


15 May 03 - 11:18 PM (#953531)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

I have been experiencing the lovely lunar eclipse, thanks to Rustic Rebel for the heads-up!

I'll bet the lunatics (Tweed and his ilk) are really howling it up out there!

Of course, I am certain there is a lot of howling out in California as well as Ohio, too!

All is calm in Mississippi!

King-nyahni nyahni nyah nyah-khandu


15 May 03 - 11:28 PM (#953534)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Dere khing khorphoo,
I yam appelled at yore treatment ob yore subjeks!!! To reefer to the NOR OB A COUPLE OB THINGS az NOR OF PIGSHIT caused me much disdrss and I even nearly did myself harm while choking wif gret indigestion!!! And fore you to go down on pore Amos about not usin' yore song which I hab raison to belieb waz writ by Andrew Dice Clay az it habz no chivalous content whatsonebber, wabez completle out of the lines and most unkhingly, and ob corse nobobby is surprise at that I'm shore!!!

Finally,yore feebel jabs at my spelling and rhetorik habz no use for me and I culd car even not on wig about that. You are like water and I yam a duck's ass and thus do yore insults roll off me, much like the buzzard bidet waters rolleth from ther arse and thar greasy fevvers!!!

Yore dayz iz numbered O DhonkeyKhong az I habv THE OFFICIAL MAGNETIC SIGN and you don't. The Mississippiyites will be drawn az throngs ob dung beeties to fresh shit on the Serengetty. It iz farly beautiful, attractive and MAGNETIC,HAW,HAW,HAW!!!

You may vacate the "palace" and surrender or we will come to Mizippi wif vast forses and legions and drag yore miserable ass back to the NYCFTTS whar may you rot in a sitz baff forever!


15 May 03 - 11:30 PM (#953536)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

No, YM, I have not. Now I once had a career counselor who looked at me in complete despair and suggested I should run for president, since I seemed ill-suited for any other occupation. But I wasn't interested. Yes, I can tap-dance -- it'sd a survival trait. But part of my dance is still a certain integrity, which I will not break (I hope!) and which such a pursuit would place under extreme duress. If nominated, I will duck out, and if elected I will resign.

A


16 May 03 - 12:36 AM (#953559)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Mark Cohen

Antelope Freeway, one-one-hundred-and-twenty-eighth mile.

And number 7 is a trick question. Frank Zappa was a Mother.

Aloha,
Mark


16 May 03 - 09:13 AM (#953705)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,The Galactic Overlord

My Dear Children,

We have only your welfare at heart. We have, over the years, gone out of Our way to insure peace and tranquility within Our realm so that your pitiful existences might develop as fully as they are capable of doing.

The exchanges between "Khandu" and "Tweed" are disturbing this peace and tranquility, however. Should they continue We will most assuredly insure peace and tranquility in Our realm by also providing "Khandu" with an artul magnetic sign. Should that fail, We will totally exfoliate both of them and their supporters. In public. When they are on stage. Before a vast audience. Then We will turn them inside out.

Take heed of these, Our words!

All Our love to the families,
TGO


16 May 03 - 09:32 AM (#953714)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Yeah, yeah -- promises, promises!



A


16 May 03 - 09:35 AM (#953718)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

Is it true that the magnetic sign is capable of reverse polarity - thus propelling itslef outward at high velocity and slicing( with razor sharp edges) the crowds of people flocking towards it?


16 May 03 - 10:20 AM (#953746)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I think he did run for pubic office...just recently. Isn't that right, Amos?

- LH


16 May 03 - 01:05 PM (#953866)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

To Mmario%; I refute yore unfunded allegators az being bald faced lies and habving no sound foundations or footers to build upon. The OFFICIAL MAGNETIC SIGN will draw only thet what is Good,Pure, and Ethereal unto it and repel only those carrying shotguns, lynch ropes or high evilness in thar harts.

To Amos:^+ You are a double speakin' instigarator and I feel sartin that you live only to see the final conflagration between one good pure and ethereal Knight who habz lost hiz pafth, and the pore hopelessly pathetic nutbag known az Khandoo ob Mississippi so az you may sell refined sugar and sliced bread to the survivors at inflated pricing.

To the Galactic Obverlarfd:::~0 I habv no feer of bein' exfoliated as I yam no tree nor bush nor shrub ob the arth. Yore threats ar ob no consequence and tharfore I tell you do not let the sun of MOAB set on yore hiney ef you know what iz good for you az I will form alliances and ceacefirez wif kingkhandu and hiz Royal Dancing Army ob Tartmen in Tutus and will rebuke you and yore ilk mos scosciously. You may try yore hand at exfoliating khing khnadnoze but all you'll get iz the feathers ob his Royal Cherokee Headress.

The lunatic Lordkhandoo and I are at odds but we are aslo obv the heartland ob MOAB and thus you see we ar oslo kin in thet way. You hav no chance whatsomever so get thee hence foule beast or suffer a barrage ob rebukage such az hab never been heard in a good while.

Yerz,
Tweed
EauClaire de la Loon


16 May 03 - 01:27 PM (#953880)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

I have absolutely no experience in running for pubic orifice, LH. Giving lip service to such ideals is entirely too hypercritical for my tastes.

A


16 May 03 - 05:03 PM (#954020)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,The Galactic Overlord

Dear Children,

We are patient, but Our patience is limited. Did not Our demonstration last night when We darkened your moon hold any significance to you?

Child Tweed, We will insure that Child Khandu also has a magnetic sign exactly the same size and gaussage as yours. The sole difference will be in the exposed magnetic poles, which will cause your signs to repel each other. Should your bickering continue, We will cause the magnets on the signs to be changed to monopoles. Should We be forced to do this, We will ensure that Earth holds both of you responsible for the result.

When One "exfoliates" a person of the race inhabiting your pitiful planet, One causes all of that person's skin to fall off. The result is both painful and disgusting to all Galactic entities. The one from whom you received your mitochondrial DNA may have threatened you with this by saying, "I'm going to skin you alive, boy!"

Peace, My Children, and write if you get work.

TGO


16 May 03 - 08:43 PM (#954130)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Mere idol threats you pompuous pustule ob a boil wif no hed! And on "our pitiful planet" monopoles iz a game played by little kids wif fake money and liddle Tophats, racecars, shoes and thimbles.

Howebber, mebbe I culd use a good exfoliatorin'. I am getting summat wrinkeled and worn looking these days.

Mind yore place UberGlax, or we will rebuke you and cast yore ass into a heard ob swine!

Yerz,
Tweed
Exhorter and Banisher ob Headless Boils


16 May 03 - 08:56 PM (#954137)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

The lunar drama of last evening inspired poetry from the depths of my heart:

"Something About..." by King khandu

Something about the sunrise reminds me of your heart
That beats the rhythm of love for me
Something about the sunset reminds me of your promise
That is kept alive for me
It is true...you fulfill my fantasies
And meet my every need
Something about the smell of shit
Reminds me of Tweed


Dear Galactic Overload,

I will gladly join forces with my old KOTROT and First Duck at the first whiff of exfoliation. Please be advised that it was he and I who invented sidewalks. It was he and I who masterminded watergate. It was he and I who invented the internet and forks.
Together, Tweed and I can, and, if necessary, will move mightily against any act of aggression on your part. We shall defend MOAB!
So, may I say as tactfully and diplomatically as I can...BITE A FAT HOG IN THE ASS!!!
We have a secret weapon in Ohio that can burn the hair outta your unborn great-great grando overlaod's noses! DO NOT FORCE US TO USE IT!!
Meanwhile, my disgraceful and treacherous bass turd of a Former KOTROT and First Duck, Tweed and I are at one anothers throats for a damnably good reason...we detest one another!

King-don't fock with us-khandu


16 May 03 - 09:13 PM (#954140)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,The Galactic Overlord

My Dear Children,

You have poisoned your planet. You have played with fusion weapons. You have irrevocably changed your DNA. You have created bodhrans, banjos, saxophones, and accordions. And you expect Us to be merciful to you? We have withheld Our wrath only because We expect you to see the error of your ways and reform.

Child Khandu and Child Tweed: We are becoming very, very vexed with you. Do not make Us come there and enforce a "Time Out."

As for your touted Ohioan, We assure you that he or she could not hold a candle (you should pardon the expression) to the gaseous discharge of a Mflxyan of what you would term Deneb VI.

Wishing you were here, We remain your humble and devoted servant,
TGO


16 May 03 - 09:24 PM (#954143)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

I have discussed this with my Friend and Mentor, Harry Lee Wigley and he reminded me of what Norman Vincent Peale had to say to someone in a similar situation..."Lick my balls!"

I have been accosted and threatened by overlord after overlord...after a while you all sound the same "yadda yadda yadda blah blah...etc."

Same old song with a different dance.

My dear over-bearing Overlord, I pay more attention to Tweed's farts than anything you have to say.

Therefore, henceforth, consider you and whatever you may say igmoed by King khandu!

Kk


16 May 03 - 09:33 PM (#954145)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bill D

I have lost my run-down feeling
Since I heard Norman Vincent Pealing


16 May 03 - 09:42 PM (#954150)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

QUICK EVERYBODY!! Go to TWEED'S PAGE...It does not work!!!

WHY???? BECAUSE THE TWEEDIOT FOCKED UP HIS OWN WEB SITE!!!!! HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!

WHAT A FOCKIN' IDIOT!!

Kk


16 May 03 - 09:51 PM (#954157)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bill D

I went there earlier...it didn't work. Why would I tell anyone ELSE to go there if it didn't work?

Geez...fer a King, you sure have some silly ideas! (Guess my chances of getting a post in the bureaucracy are shot now, huh?)


16 May 03 - 10:00 PM (#954160)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,The Galactic Overlord

My Dear Children,

As is said in the Southern regions of Our realm, and as We now say to you, "Y'all go piss up a rope."

We now leave you to wallow in your own mental stagnation and physical degeneration, as We have found you too insignificant to bother with.

All Our love,
TGO


16 May 03 - 11:24 PM (#954197)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Victory iz ours, run you tentacled running sores!!

king khornkhob, you asswipe of a baboon with scours, I shall deal with you after I finish...ahem....customizing my very excellent and simple to use .php style tweedboard. It iz only a minor setback and no doubt in some way connected to the Galactic Overlords' parting shots az they ran like little babies from the borders of beloved MOAB.

Yerz,
Tweed
Webmaster Extraordinaire and PHP Specialist


16 May 03 - 11:40 PM (#954205)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Hey, King Man: Check out This Link! for a Royal Schmile!


A


17 May 03 - 12:02 PM (#954382)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Bulletin: There are disturbing signs that daily attendance is declining on the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS, because people have nearly exhausted their available supplies of BS and are scraping the bottom of the barrel. This cannot be allowed to continue! In response to this emergency situation, administration spokesperson (don'tcha just hate that word?) Ari Fleischer delivered a press conference early this morning, announcing that the Bush administration is going to rush massive new shipments of Total and Absolute BS to Mudcat (and the World) "within days", and rescue this thread from the malaise into which it now threatens to sink. There were signs of major BS mobilization already beginning across the Nation, with Republican supporters gearing up for concerted action from the boardroom to the street.

Those who feared the BS would end prematurely can rest easy. The Big Boys have taken the job in hand, and they will not let up until "the job is done", according to Fleischer.

When asked by members of the press exactly what form the BS would take, Fleischer said, "We don't want to give the enemy any free information. My suggestion to you is: wait and see."

- LH


17 May 03 - 12:36 PM (#954406)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Forgot to close the "bold" code. Oh, well. It kind of looks good, actually.


17 May 03 - 01:14 PM (#954425)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Tip for today: Don't cry over spilled ilk.


17 May 03 - 02:03 PM (#954454)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

I have but one Royal Consort who has remained faithful; POB&PL Rustic Rebel, though she may runnoft with Sheeney Knause at any moment.

So Bill D, you made an ironic comment, and I have been looking for a good Ironic Iron Man...you could be him!

Okay, since I was overwhelmed with responses to my Quiz, and no one wins the coveted two song khandu tape, one song which causes Tweed and Amos to tremble in their tutus, I shall now reveal the answers to the missed questions!

Jethro Tull's "We Used To Know" was the inspiration for the chord progression of "Hotel California".

Hootie and the Blowfish mentioned the title "Tangled Up in Blue" in their song, but quoted verses of "Idiot Wind".

Ben Harper said had he not heard MJH, he would never have learned to play his instruments.

The Blues Magoos sang "We Ain't Got Nothin Yet".

I am still awaiting the "I'll deal with you later" threat from Tweed to happen. Perhaps he is to bogged down trying to unstop his septic tank of a website from all the doo-doo he has filled it with!

Tweed, you scoff at the Galactic Overloon's departure, but did you notice that it was I, King khandu, who dealt with him...it certainly wasn't you! Hey, weren't you a character on "The Lizard of Oz"? Didn't you play the part of the Cowardly Scared Shatless Lion?

Amos...whut the hey was that link? The Spaw Birthday Thread? Hell, I go there everyday so why direct me to where I was already going???

LH, I am pleased to hear of Ari's Aid coming...this has been hard to carry by myself!

Hey Wanna scoff at someone? Go back and look at Allan C.'s post at the beginning of this thread! A prophet, he ain't!

Kk


17 May 03 - 03:08 PM (#954491)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

YM_

As a subject who is unwaivering in fondness and esteem for yourself, if not loyalty, I feel it is my bounden duty to inform you that your antagonism to your subjects is ITSELF the cause of the unrest in your kingdon, and NOT the result thereof.

You have the very subjects you have projected. Thus are you well served by your own most loyal phantasms.

'Twas ever thus...


A


17 May 03 - 04:43 PM (#954528)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Actually, King Khandu, most of us feel that we simply could not live without you...or this thread. We long for opportunities to grovel at your feet and regale you with incomparably inane emissions of BS till the cows come home. You rock!!! We're not worthy!!!

- LH


17 May 03 - 05:39 PM (#954541)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Historical Note: This is the first known instance in recorded history -- at least, Mudcat history -- of George "Little Hawk" Covenish..er, Covenoid...whatever... acknowledging his own unworthiness with respect to any other entitiy, real or imagined. Let us not let the milestone slip by in the torrent of vile brown stuff....

A


17 May 03 - 07:54 PM (#954619)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

zzzz....hmmmphh???...Spaw's birthday yet?....khandu still running loose? Is my Tweedboard still broken?? NOT!!!

HAW!! I yam master obv my domain still!

**BEHOLD KHANDU, YOU FLINGER OF MONKEY MUCK, IT'S ALIVE...ALIVE...ALIVE!!! BUWAHHAWHAWHAWHAW..**


18 May 03 - 11:19 AM (#954832)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

As a casual observer of this MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS (MOAB), I have become aware of a trend...the thread is dying. The thread has reached a point where the same old saps are the only ones posting. Now new blood has been shed in this thread for a while. We are becoming stagnant in our production of BS.

Nonetheless, I am compelled to add more, while the chance is still available.

BWL the , I saw your retort in the Spaw Birthday Thread, and I say "Easy, there Bud! Remember...I know where the bodies are buried. Just a friendly reminder."

Tweed, I see the buzzards circling over your shattered dreams of overthrowing my Kingdom. Tis sad to watch a nemesis crumble under his own instability. Any battle between you and khandland would be like a match between Wally Cox and Evander Holyfield. Not much to watch. Pay-per-View might make ten-twelve bucks on the broadcast.

I once considered you a worthy opponent, but you, like the Galactic Overload, just couldn't rise to the task. Big Talk from a Big Mouth with a teeney-weeney backbone.

Little Hawk, thank you for the kind words, but, as they say, all things must pass...even MOAB! I fear the end is drawing nigh!

And with the end of MOAB will come the end of the Glorious and Triumphant Reign of khandu, The King of All Mississippi. I have accomplished the tasks for which I came...to make Mississippi and the world a better place and to bring them to the Land of MOAB!

My throne shall not be filled by another...for indeed, who could fill it??? Instead, it shall become a Memorial to remind the future generations of the Glories One Man Can Attain! It shall be a symbol of "HOPE" for the despondent, a symbol of "CAN-DO" for the nay-sayers, and more importantly, as symbol of BS for the pious.

khandu King of All Mississippi


18 May 03 - 12:06 PM (#954869)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

What utter and total BS my liege....It must be known unto you that the same old saps post here in MOAB because we are so full of BS it runneth in fountains from our ears. It dripeth from us like syrup from Vermont Maples, but as you say, we are nearly sucked dry.

You are not released and we shall never recognise another king ob Mizippi, MOAB or any other low lying area of the world. I would suggest that instead this wonderful thing be left to lie fallow like yore overworked cotton plantations so that it may absorb enough nitrogen to displace the stale methane that lingers like heavy and most sulfurous mist over this dark and sh*tty ground.

Yerz,
Tweed


18 May 03 - 12:30 PM (#954891)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Peg

When Jethro Tull play in concert they mention that "Hotel California" has the exact same chord progression as "We Used to Know."

Not sure if that was the answer you're seeking...


18 May 03 - 12:45 PM (#954905)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Peg --

On this thrtead there is no know what the Answer Sought is, since no-one is quite clear on what the the Question was, if anything.

Even so, the chances are that, given the players on this warped and buckling stage, the Answer would remain unknown even if it were to shamble up to each of them in order and bite them on the arse. It is a Voyage, not a Destination. Welcome aboard the Malarkey Express Squirrelcage Rocket!

Such are the mysteries of BS.


A


18 May 03 - 12:46 PM (#954908)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Peg, the chord progression is the same except for the last two chords. The writer of "Hotel California" admitted that he borrowed the progression from "We Used To Know".

To see the vast improvements Mississippi suffered under my Glorious Reign,Click here. It is a wonderful tribute to a wonderful King.

Thanks to Rolfy over at TWEED'S Pitiful Website for the link!

Kk


18 May 03 - 02:30 PM (#954962)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

I saw no evidence of such beautiful housing during the last year's expedition (Memphis Chronicles) into yore very fine State, Lord khanny. I suspect that these trailers must concentrated in eastern Mizippi and nearer to Alabama. I don't understand the attraction to Trans-Camaros though. Surely thar is no moonshiners left is there?

This year's Como Adventure looms closer and I hope to hoist a glass with yore miserable self next weekend!


18 May 03 - 03:45 PM (#954989)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bill D

not sure I am worthy of being "Iron" man...shouldn't that post go to Rusty Rebel?

I am more the aloomni.., allumanum, aluminimum Tytayneeum type.


18 May 03 - 04:36 PM (#955014)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Oaklet

Little Hawk asked me to post here are plug my Bowel Resin, Upholsterers' Yeast and Caving Jelly Capsules. If you want prices in your Dollars, contact the Greek Fishing Ministry. If you want more information about the Gusset Westie, press one, now.


18 May 03 - 04:42 PM (#955017)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Freds

we let yu kno thut we inserded this inna yur innernet node ip adress 131.107.1.10 an 216.200.93.8 so that it wud git to yu

we are freds an we dunt tak yur langwij butt our translater duz an thats wut we r uzin   so hair iz yur mesaj

the galatik overlard hu iz the big cheez tuld uz too go to yur stinky holl of a planit an stomp it lik it wuz pupy shit cuz yu haf gon an bad moufed him r her onest to offen

so yu haf ben warnt we r cumin an wil bee ther in egzakly ten to the niney sefen stannard sekonds

then we r gunna smeer yu all ofer that pard uf the galeksy

haf a nis day

the freds


18 May 03 - 04:48 PM (#955021)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

OOOOOHHHHHHH! Are you running a sale on any of those Items? If so, press "B" to order my "New and Improved HOW TO SELL ANYTHING TO ANYBODY EXCEPT TWEEDIOTS" video with accompanying Instructional Workbook!

Order now, and receive, not two, but THREE!.. Count'em, THREE! autographed pictures of the ROYAL DANCING TARTS!!

Act now, while supplies last!

Kk


18 May 03 - 04:51 PM (#955022)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Uh...Freds...consider yourselves forever igmoed along with the Galactic OverToad.

Kk


18 May 03 - 08:59 PM (#955129)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Oakers, where iz that old crack whore Penelope Rutledge hiding herself these days? Pleeze inform that woman that I yam a married man and care not one whit for her overturez!


18 May 03 - 09:11 PM (#955136)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

That is the biggest pile of BS this thread has suffered! Old Tweed, in PMs to me, has gone on and on and on about Mz. Rutledge. He is seriously infatuated with her. Damn, I got to where I igmo most of his PMs because I already know what he is going to say,..."Have you heard anymore from Penelope? I hope she posts soon!" and crap like that!

Come off it, Tweed! Don't be ashamed, tell everybody about your newly-found lovebaby!

k


18 May 03 - 10:16 PM (#955169)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Don't forget!!!
SLICK BALLINGER- BLUES WHIZ, PLAYING AT COMO,MS MAY 24!!

Make it a massive Mudcat Gathering, join Tweed, Bobert and myself for a festive evening!


k


19 May 03 - 12:24 AM (#955213)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Hell, that's nothing unusual. Everyone is infatuated with Penelope Rutledge, including me. I've heard rumours that she is a real "looker" to use an old-fashioned word, and her high class attitude only adds to the allure. Those like Tweed, who pretend to detest her, and claim not to be interested in her at all have got it BAD! They are secretly consumed with lust, but they're afraid people might find out, so they try to cover up by insulting her. I seem to recall that same method being used by very young boys and girls who are suffering pre-adult hot flashes over the opposite sex, but would die if their friends ever found out. :-)

I don't have that problem. I freely admit that Penelope Rutledge causes my pulse to race and my palms to sweat. She is young, rich, beautiful, and feisty...and she's the reigning queen of Twillingsgate, probably the most classy and quaint small town in the entire Western World. What more could one ask for?

I'm glad to see this thread still has some controversy left in it...

- LH


19 May 03 - 11:31 AM (#955480)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Ah...a fresh, new day and the sun is shining. Lovely.

Now...here's a neat thing you can do to fill those empty hours: Count all the moles on your body. You may need help from a friend or relative to get the ones on your back and in hard to see places. Then catalog them on a comprehensive list, separating them into huge, large, medium, regular, small, and really tiny moles. Once you've got it all compiled, send the list off to the Interior Ministry of Colombia, and sit back for a few weeks and wait to see what happens...

- LH


19 May 03 - 11:37 AM (#955486)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

LH - so sorry to see that the fever did indeed leave permanent brain damage.


19 May 03 - 05:42 PM (#955704)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I did that, LH. I also made seperate lists of liver spots, freckles, pimples, blackheads, cuts, petr,peter -- little red spots, scars, and misc. blemishes. I managed to do my back side (and backside) with mirrors so that the parameters would be consistent.

I mailed a copy of the list to the Interior Ministry of Colombia, the CIA, MI6, the OGPU, the AF of L, the CIO, the IWW, LC, FBI, MI5, the Serka, and the PLO.

So far I've been sent a dead chicken. I don't know who sent it, but it was really very dead and quite insistent about being so. There were foriegn stamps on the package.

I'd like some suggestions.


19 May 03 - 07:00 PM (#955766)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Are there any distinguishing moles,blemishes, boils, buboes, etc. on the chicken? How many? How many pimples, scars, blackheads etc.? Count them and send yore findings back to all agencies involved. This is what they want az I too have regularly been recieving dead nekkid chickens wrapped in Baltimore newspapers and shipped in cake boxes. I thought at first it was a khandu trick but habv discounted the theory az he would have trouble wif access to Baltimore newspapers or any other, for that matter, in Mizippi. Be very thorough and check yore work, that's important to them and thar reserch.

Yerz,
Tweed


19 May 03 - 07:09 PM (#955778)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Since it is already dead, sir, it will not protest being placed wherte the sun refuse to shine.

A


19 May 03 - 10:00 PM (#955849)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Having considered more and assumed less about the following subject, I have come to these conclusions.

Of vowels and consonants, I have concluded that consonants are more important. Why"? Consider this:

A message omitting all consonants would be indecipherable. However, using only consonants, communication is still possible.

Example:

o e oi...makes no sense! However, sending the same message but using only consonants we may understand:

slw mn wrkng

Slow Men working

However, I am of the mind that we rely too much on vowels. I conclude that, if we practice not using vowels, money and time could be saved!
"How?"you ask on the edge of your seats!

Well, consider road signs (as in the example above). With less letters, we have less costs in production!!

Let us practice with the following "road signs"

Rlrd Crssng

Slw, Spd Chkd b Rdr

Slw, Schl Zn

Stp

Mrg Rght

Are you beginning to comprehend?

I shall submit this to Senator Lott later this week!

k


19 May 03 - 10:10 PM (#955853)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Well hells bells boys and girls, the thread is takin' a turn for the better. We got mole counters now. I was just countin' some moles the other day. Found a nest of those little critters down at the bay, in the weeds.

See, I was up in a tree watching the moon glow red and some big Minnesota buzzard lookin' thing came and landed in the tree right next to me. I don't think it knew I was there and when it saw me sittin' up there high in the sky it kinda went wacko on me and flappin' it's huge wings and the damned old buzzard lookin' thing, scared the hell out of me, knocked me right out of the tree.
I bounced off a few limbs and must have knocked my head, 'cuz I woke up layin' in the weeds and look around and I got a bunch of little mole creatures climbin' all over my body, so I think to myself, I should count them all. So I did.
17 of those little black mouse, shrew, mole lookin' things crawlin' around on me. I kinda flicked them off me as I counted, You know that middle finger against your thumb kinda flick?
Well, then I proceeded to crawl home but that's a whole other story. But the moral of the story is, "You can count your moles while laying in the weeds,without getting fucked, up in a tree, by an old buzzard."
Peace to you all from the Purveyor of Beauty and Poetess-Lariat and (mis-labeled)Knower of Diddlesquat, Rustic the Ironing Woman (I caught that Bill)


19 May 03 - 10:50 PM (#955870)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

I must retract the statement, it is not I, after all, that is The Knower of Diddlysquat but incognito I see it is actually the Knower of All Things! Oh dying King you are so kind to clarify, I take no offense either way, because I may also be incognito.


19 May 03 - 10:56 PM (#955872)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

NO NO NO!!! It is not I who is dying!! I am very much alive!!! I spoke of the MOAB's death! Which appears to have rallied !!!

k


19 May 03 - 11:23 PM (#955883)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dear Your Soon-to-be-Deposed Majesty,

I hate to call this to your attention, but your brainstorm regarding omitting vowels has one minor flaw.

As most of us know, the fellow masquerading as President of the United States is "George". If you eliminate the vowels from his name he becomes "Grg". Now, as most folks who frequent this forum know, the real name of the other guy we all love to hate, the former Mudcatter who goes by the name "Gargoyle", is "Greg". If you eliminate the vowels from his name he too becomes "Grg". Thus, by eliminating the vowels from George's name and Greg's name you have made them into the same person. In other words, you will have made Gargoyle President of The United States! Bush being Prez is distressful. Garg would be unbearable.

I seriously think you should reconsider your idea before you make that phone call to yer ole buddy Trent.

Bruce


19 May 03 - 11:36 PM (#955892)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

I'm telling ya, boys; that fellow bee-dubya-ell is a natural born KNOWER OF THINGS!!!

Did you see how he just cut to the cheese and saw the one flaw in my idea! That is the work of a gifted mind!

Even after the King has left the throne, this man should be honored for being the great man he is...THE KNOWER OF THINGS!!!

k


19 May 03 - 11:40 PM (#955896)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A few night ago, in a fit of pique, I posted a quiz on this thread. Just in case anyone's curious, here are the answers. If you're not curious, don't read em!

1) Three songs whose titles refer to street names for LSD are Hendrix's "Purple Haze", Cream's "Sunshine of Your Love" (after "orange sunshine") and Chicago's "25 or 624" (25 being slang for LSD-25). I'm sure there are others.

2) Martin's D-45 was designed for Gene Autry. Gibson's J-200 was designed for Ray Whitley. Autry's signature song was "Back in the Saddle Again" which was written by Whitley.

3) Ted Nugent played a Gibson Byrdland, usually considered a jazz box, before becoming a PRS convert.

4) John Mayall wears a large Bowie knife on stage.

5) "The Second Coming" became "The Allman Brothers Band" after some personnel changes. "The One Percent" changed their name to "Lynnyrd Skynnyrd".

6) Contrary to what some folks believe, Derek and the Dominoes keyboardist Bobby Whitlock is alive and well and living in Alabama.

7) Zappa's dad was a history teacher at a private boy's academy in Jacksonville, Florida.

8) Tony Rice was turned down for the Ronstadt job for using a capo.

9) John Hartford used a flanger, a device more commonly associated with guys like Eddie VanHalen, in his stomp-box rig.

10) The largest crowd to see Hendrix was at the Atlanta Pop Festival on July, 4th, 1970.

Bonus answer: As a country resident and former owner of pigs, I do probably know more about pig shit than most people.


19 May 03 - 11:43 PM (#955898)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

I got em all right!!! When do I get my two song tape by khandu??

k


20 May 03 - 12:06 AM (#955911)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

The biggest fit of pique in history was that evidenced by Zebulon Pike when his advances to a certain Apache woman were rejected out of hand. Thus the expression "Pike's Pique" found its way into the annals of the American West. This is a little known and fascinating fact.

Rapaire - I suggest hiring a chicken sexer first, to determine the gender of the dead chicken. My seven week course in that very art is now past the halfway mark, and I will soon be ready to assist you. PM me in 3 weeks, and I'll see what I can do to help.

- LH


20 May 03 - 12:17 AM (#955921)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

P r rl mssssppn ss, r mjst!!

Regards,

A --

First Vowel

And to rescue those who prematurely succumbed to khandu's folly, here are the vowels missing from the above:

U you oya iiiia a our aey


20 May 03 - 12:32 AM (#955928)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Your Lordship....

You already have the two-song tape by khandu. He sent it to you last week when you got all the answers to his quiz correct. Remember? First prize for this new quiz was a free weekend at the Sandy Landing Yacht and Racquet Club and you have won!

Since you live in Mississippi and are probably not up on the currently chique places to be seen in Florida, we'll tell you a little about SLY&RC. Sandy Landing is a sandbar on a creek in The Blackwater State Forest a few miles from my humble abode. It is a popular drop-off point for canoe trips. It is also a very popular place for local teenagers to practice both safe and unsafe sex at night. Mostly, though, it is a place for guys named Bubba and Jim Bob to hang out on weekends and drink lots of beer and leave the cans all over the place so the forest rangers can pick them up on Monday. Some people are actually brave enough to camp overnight at Sandy Landing, though doing so with anything smaller than a .357 in your tent is not suggested. The "Yacht and Racquet Club" thing is a joke some guy came up with. He actually had tee-shirts and bumper-stickers printed up and was gonna make a million dollars off of them but only four people bought 'em.

Actually, it would probably be a very nice place for you to set up your kingdom-in-exile after you are deposed from the throne of Mississippi. Bubba and Jim Bob have never seen a real King before and would probably think you was a lot of fun to hang out with.

BWL - Knower of Squat


20 May 03 - 02:40 AM (#955963)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: stevetheORC

Might I be the first to wish every one a very Merry and Happy Christmas/Yule and a wonderful New Year, saves me doing it later in case I forget. Dear Rap you can now have the said dead clucker as a early Xmas lunch just in case you forget to do that later:-)

A happy Easter as well

De Orc


20 May 03 - 09:33 AM (#956132)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Last evening the chicken exploded.

I had had the local bomb squad check it out, and they had gotten all excited about "checking out some chick." The Federal Marshal who lives in the apartment below mine had also checked it because I was worried about the wires and batteries and stuff inside it.

Fortunately the chicken was outside when it happened. The blast destroyed almost all of half a quarter of a hillside. For a moment I thought it was something the chicken ate, but then I remembered that it was already dead.

Rotting feathers and such are all over the place.

Could this have been some sort of threat? Even though the tag on its leg was addressed to me, could it have been meant for someone else?


20 May 03 - 11:04 AM (#956194)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Possibly. Have you offended any Lithanians recently? I think it's time to call in the forensic experts and get this matter sorted out.

- LH


20 May 03 - 11:05 AM (#956195)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

King Khandu - you mean you aren't a descendant of President Pierce and the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Lizard aliens?


20 May 03 - 11:23 AM (#956206)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I had a girlfriend who was one of those, I think. She was unusual. So...how are we doing at achieving the central purpose of this thread?

- LH


20 May 03 - 12:02 PM (#956234)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,noddy

dont know what this is about and have not the time to read it, but everyone should post on it ,just to prove you exist.

I post therefore Im spam.


20 May 03 - 02:59 PM (#956372)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I just came home for lunch and now they're outside. They have pitchforks and torches.

I don't know what this means.


20 May 03 - 03:05 PM (#956378)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

They've heard all about you, pal...and they think it might not be a good idea for you to move into their neighborhood...suggest you call the sheriff, on his cell-phone -- he's the one outside with the big torch on the left... :>)

A


20 May 03 - 03:15 PM (#956386)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

as long as they don't break out the garlic or the wolfbane you're probably okay.


20 May 03 - 03:22 PM (#956392)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

They're gone now. They sort of wandered off in different directions. Idahoans have short attentions spans, I guess.

I still don't know what any of this means.


20 May 03 - 04:56 PM (#956449)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Aw hell, if it'd been Texans they'd have forgot why they was there afore they even arrived, and most probably all have kilt each other on mutual suspicion.

But watch out for the Lithuanians!

- LH


20 May 03 - 05:47 PM (#956482)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: stevetheORC

i fink that they wanted you to be the guest of horror at a barbacue

they were just staking you out

De Orc


20 May 03 - 07:01 PM (#956536)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

I think mebbe you hbav someway slipped the stream and habv entered a alterrain dimenssus! Do they seem to be moaning and careing on and muttereig the werds "DRAINS....DRAINS....DRAINS...."? I sar peeple like thet in a documentary flim once. Very darned unnerving too. Mebbe you shuld start nailing boards over yore windows and dores az that will hold them back a little if they iz the same bunch.

Yerz,
Tweed


20 May 03 - 10:00 PM (#956649)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Are we certain that this is not some kind of diversion created by the Dutch? They are good at that sort of thing, you know.

My Grandpaw always said "When in doubt, suspect the Dutch".

Well, he didn't always say it. I remember one time he didn't say it.

k


20 May 03 - 10:01 PM (#956650)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

That's pretty pithy, there, K. Were all your family xenophobic?

A


20 May 03 - 10:57 PM (#956675)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

All of my family were from Illinois, originally, except those that weren't. I mean, after they came over the water. From the Old Sod. Who I suspect they were running away from. I don't know where Xenophob is -- perhaps near Rabbit Hash, Kentucky or Blue Ball, Pennsylvania? I mean, if it's in the United States at all.


21 May 03 - 12:41 AM (#956717)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

I waz abandoned at birf and cannot add to nothing ovb herediry subsequence. I yam farly shore the I yam descender ob Northirn yuroguyans tho. I coverd yore knowledge obv fambly history hawebber!


21 May 03 - 04:33 AM (#956758)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Mark Cohen

I'm still marveling at that SLOW MEN WORKING sign mentioned above (or, if you prefer, SLW MN WRKNG). I presume that K Rex saw the sign in front of his place of employment. And that finds me, to my surprise, very favorably impressed with the State of Mississippi (or, if you prefer, Msssspp). We know that in most states, official signage tends to be arcane, ambiguous, or absent. (Except here in Hawaii, where it's merely unpronounceable.) But to think that there is a state which would provide such a clear, simple, descriptive label ...well, here's a tip of my coconut-frond papale to your too-often-maligned dominion, my good man. Well done, indeed!

Aloha,
Mark


21 May 03 - 02:35 PM (#957104)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

_ tnk tht th d f lvng t ll th vwlls s - vr stpd n. t wld rslt n ppl bng vn lss bl t cmmnct thn sl.

See what I mean?

- LH


21 May 03 - 03:57 PM (#957179)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

NEWS FLASH!!!!!

KING SUSPECTED IN COOKIE THEFTS!!

Mudcat News Service's crack team of investigative reporters have uncovered the culprit behind the recent rash of Mudcat cookie disappearances! King khandu of Mississippi has been accused of stealing other Mudcatters' cookies in a feeble attempt to retain control of the fabled kingdom which is rapidly slipping out of his grasp. Sources claim that khandu has hidden the cookies away in a secret vault in an undisclosed location and is planning to offer them back to their owners in exchange for promises of support in his attempt to keep his throne. Exactly how khandu is planning to offer the return of the missing cookies is a bit of a mystery since the now-cookieless victims are unable to receive private messages. This little complication was apparently overlooked by King khandu when he hatched this ill-advised scheme. To quote one of MNS's anonymous sources, "That khandu! What a idjit! Har, har, har!"

Meanwhile, in a related story, the first of an expected multitude of contenders to the throne of Mississippi has declared his candidacy for King. Mr. Slimuel J. (Slim) Piggins, a Vietnamese potbellied pig from Allentown, Florida has filed the necessary papers and will begin campaigning after the Memorial Day holiday. When asked about his candidacy, Mr. Piggins remarked, "Oink, grunt, snorf, wee!", which translates as, "Hey, Bub! Ya gotta apple in yer pocket?"


21 May 03 - 04:04 PM (#957188)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

Silly Khandu! They'll only go stale!


21 May 03 - 07:07 PM (#957309)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Meanwhile back at the ranch the mudder pigs where feeling a little disgruntled.


21 May 03 - 07:55 PM (#957334)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

To: King khandu of Mississippi

From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dear King,

It is with great regret that I must inform you of my intention to leave the service of Your Majesty's Court effective immediately. I have been offered the position of Campaign Manager by Mr. Slimuel J. (Slim) Piggins who is running against Your Royal Self for King of Mississippi.

It has been a great honor to have been your Poet Lariat and Knower of Things and Knower of Pigshit and all the other honorifics and degradations that Your Majesty has seen fit to bestow upon my humble self and/or snatch away in fits of childish temper to which it is well known that the inbred members of royal families everywhere are prone. Why, Your Kingship was even fully supportive of my humble self when I experienced my brief but excruciatingly intense and full-flavored dive into the utter depths of idjithood.

I will see you on the campaign trail, just as soon as I get back from the Florida Folk Festival way down upon the banks of the beautiful Suwanee River.

But, then again, I may have time to dash off just one paid political announcement before I finish packing the truck.....


21 May 03 - 08:13 PM (#957340)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Appauling!! See how khandar hab made light ob hiz loyal sarvant an poet extraordinaire and now he iz gone to wander the wilderness and sleep in unfambliar areas and now ebven denys hiz inner idjitood. The eye ob Khnardo looks far and divers an causeth grown men to shake like Elvis in constipation an wif grate feer and awe.

Resist yore desire to wear the ring BeeDub, Less you will reveel yoreself to him thet way.

Twede
P.S.Gud luck an' habv a lotta fun at the fest. (no BS!)


21 May 03 - 10:09 PM (#957373)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

I wanna tell ya, that pot-bellied Pig is my no-count oinkle on my daddy's side. I am STYmied at his audacious plans to take over the Hallowed Throne of Mississippi!

He is known to wallow in mud-slinging tactics and is one of low character. I think I will contact my old friend and ally, B.B. Wolf, and get his advice on how to encourage oink from trying this!

Anybody want a cookie?

k


21 May 03 - 10:17 PM (#957376)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

VOTE FOR SLIM!!!!!

THE PORCINE PARTY CANDIDATE FOR

KING OF MISSISSIPPI


"'Because little pigs, they like acorns and I don't like bacon."


Paid political advertisement.   Paid for by The Committee to Elect the Pig King and Send khandu to Michigan or Maybe Idaho.


21 May 03 - 10:39 PM (#957382)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Allright!!! Who did you pay?...It is a "paid Political ad"?

But why Idaho or, worse yet, Michigan? Why not some place sensible like...Alabama?

k


21 May 03 - 10:47 PM (#957384)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Lttl Hwk hs gd nd vld pnt! Cmmnictn wld bcm qt dffclt f ppl strtd lvng t th vwls. s, t wsn't gd pln!

Bt, wndr f Twd cn ndrstnd ths bttr thn th rglr mnnr f wrtng.

khnd


21 May 03 - 10:55 PM (#957386)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Drst nd mst stmd Sr:

_ m mvd nc gn t rqst tht y g shft rrslf n th rl rse.

'r bdnt srvnt,

A
First Vowel


21 May 03 - 10:56 PM (#957387)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Ain't never been to either Idaho OR Michigan, have ya, Khandu boy? Y'all come out here and we'll fix you up with some good 'taters. Famous ones.

Whereas I've been to both AND Alabama AND Mississippi! Didn't find a lot of difference between them and Memphis, actually. Actually, I didn't find a lot a of difference between Michigan and Indiana, or Idaho and anyplace else. Or Ohio. Or Pennsylvania. Or Vermont. Or Saskact...Sascatchu...Alberta.


21 May 03 - 10:58 PM (#957390)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull

Hello, waht all this is about? i read this rthread but i dony knoew waht it means as tall, i verey confused!
ps and hoew do you do that big writing as well, ? can you do it with internet tv box, or do you haf to buy a com puter first? I like to do some big wtiting but i dont know how, i lookeed at the FAW drop down thing but, it dident tel me how to make some big witring, or it did but i dident see it.john


21 May 03 - 11:25 PM (#957400)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

ctlly flks, mst shrthnd sstms lv mst vwls t, prtclrl crt rptrs mchn shrthnd. Th dd thm bck n whn th trnscrb th shrthnd bck t rglr nglsh.

brc


21 May 03 - 11:34 PM (#957403)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

In French, too? In English you can spell "ys" but how do you spell "Oui" without vowels? If you met a lovely French person and s/he wanted to say that they would like to become a closer acquaintance, how would you know?

"Mdmsll, vlz-vs, pt-tr, ctt sr...?"
"h, Mnsr,                   !"


21 May 03 - 11:53 PM (#957407)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

O- -o -u--e- -ou--e--, -ou --u-i- -i-!!!

Well, I have to admit that all consonants works a bit better than all vowels. All vowels sounds like the audio part of a cheap porno video.

- LH


22 May 03 - 12:08 AM (#957418)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

400!! BS!! Glorious BS..


22 May 03 - 12:12 AM (#957421)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Tweed, you are a lucky, lucky man, to have posted number 400 on this thread. What an orgasmic experience. I am awed. Or is that "odd"?

- LH


22 May 03 - 12:47 AM (#957436)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

It is the land ob MOAB my good Hawk. We are allowed to be awedly odd or oddly awed r ddly wd r wdly wd....


22 May 03 - 06:28 PM (#957918)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Disagreeing. I shall hencefore banish all consanents. Eo, i eee, i a ou a ee i uie eay o ea a oee.


22 May 03 - 07:05 PM (#957936)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

[j]E[ll]o, [w]i[g] [tw]ee[dz]e[rz], i a ou a ee i uie ea o ea a oee.

Well that iz completely incomprehensile...


22 May 03 - 08:15 PM (#957964)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: harpmaker

hello everybody, nice to see your all getting on fine! John.


22 May 03 - 10:23 PM (#957994)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

OK, the absent vowel plan does not work as well as I had hoped. So, how 'bout this?

Why worry over correct spelling? Why not spell the words as they sound? Now, I know we can argue over this, such as in the word "WORD". You can say it sounds like, and should be spelled "werd", someone else may say, it should be "wurd". The wonderful thing is...it doesn't matter!!

Spell it as it sounds to you!

Many words would retain their correct spelling. As an example, the next sentence will be spelled according to how I hear it.:

This plan cud werk rather well...it eliminates the wurthless wurry of spellin and yew wud never haf to yews spell-checker.

Anuther ekselent idae in the werks?

k


22 May 03 - 10:45 PM (#958002)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Uh...bee-dubya...methinks you have been ripped off...someone has taken you for a ride!

You paid someone for a political ad, "Vote for Slim"...but (Gawd, I hate to tell ya.) Kings are not elected!!! That's right! They take the throne by birthright or by force, but they are not elected!!

I told you Oinkle Slim was a no-count fellow. Now, he done beat you outta some money with his "Elect Slim" scam!

Now you KNOW SOME MORE THINGS!

k


22 May 03 - 11:01 PM (#958009)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

While you ar still able to converse somewhat,Yore Grace, I wish to ax a boon obv you and the so-called Third Duck ob Pelachahatchie. I wuld like to travel through Mizippi ar-space tomoro so az to meet up wif you and yore pore Unlucky, but beautimous Queen in Como. I will ob corse be hauling the obligatory bag ob roadkill, cornmeal and collards for your consumption and az a peace offering. I habv spoke to the Boberdz and he iz closing in on Mempho but haz stopped for the nite and obtaned good lodgings at a motel that smells ob curry and much cigarette smoke. He iz in fine spirits az allus and looks ford to this magnificent summit meeting ob Tweed/Cats and yore Royal Self. After having a full body cavity search in the morning I will board a jetliner and be headed to Memphis and hope Boberdz survives the nite so he will find my sorry ass and we will get on down to Mizippi to hunt you down and cause you to drink more than several beers.


22 May 03 - 11:49 PM (#958022)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Ahhh....another beautiful day. The World (as we know it) was supposed to end a few days ago, but it got cancelled due to unexpectedly fine weather. This is good.

Now, I think it's time we all got around to studying some important trivia and answering some unanswered questions. Like these:

1. What IS a duck worth? I ask this because there is a highway exit into Barrie to a large street named Duckworth, and it's been on my mind ever since I saw the exit sign, which was about 18 years ago.

2. Why is Gargoyle so nice and tolerant all the time?

3. When will Tony Clifton receive the recognition he truly deserves?

4. Why is Spaw fascinated by farts?

5. Why are American men obsessed with gigantic bosoms?

6. When will this thread meet its natural end?

8. Will William Shatner's musical and acting accomplishments ever be surpassed?

9. When Bruce Banner changes into the Incredible Hulk, his body gets many sizes larger. This causes his clothing to be ripped to shreds, and fall off him...with ONE glaring exception...his shorts! They somehow remain undamaged, thus preventing the World from seeing the Hulk's privates. This is very odd indeed. Can anyone offer a scientific explanation as to how this could possibly be?

10. What happened to question "7"???

- LH


23 May 03 - 12:24 AM (#958032)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie

1. What IS a duck worth? I ask this because there is a highway exit into Barrie to a large street named Duckworth, and it's been on my mind ever since I saw the exit sign, which was about 18 years ago. Inflation-wise, a duck is worth more today than it was yesterday, but less than it was in 1967.

2. Why is Gargoyle so nice and tolerant all the time? It's just in the blood of the lovely man. Lots of blood; more coming.

3. When will Tony Clifton receive the recognition he truly deserves? Wh h?

4. Why is Spaw fascinated by farts? His hearing has gone bad so he depends greatly on vibration.

5. Why are American men obsessed with gigantic bosoms? They were weaned too early.

6. When will this thread meet its natural end? Check back next month.

8. Will William Shatner's musical and acting accomplishments ever be surpassed? No.

9. When Bruce Banner changes into the Incredible Hulk, his body gets many sizes larger. This causes his clothing to be ripped to shreds, and fall off him...with ONE glaring exception...his shorts! They somehow remain undamaged, thus preventing the World from seeing the Hulk's privates. This is very odd indeed. Can anyone offer a scientific explanation as to how this could possibly be? Haven't you heard? Size doesn't matter.

10. What happened to question "7"??? Who are you trying to reach by way of this code?


23 May 03 - 01:01 AM (#958040)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Nice going, Ebbie. You give some very credible answers, there.

Regarding # 3...Tony Clifton is an almost unbelievably offensive lounge lizard type Las Vegas singer invented by Andie Kaufmann. Check out his website on Geocities.

Regarding # 9...Yes, I know that size doesn't matter, but it's the nature of the fabric I'm puzzled about. Even lycra has its stretching limits, after all.

Regarding #5...I think too much bottle-feeding and not enough breast feeding is the root cause of this malady. That's my guess.

- LH


23 May 03 - 12:37 PM (#958264)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Bulletin: Fears that the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS would eventually collapse under the weight of its own inanity have been only slightly allayed by rumours that Captain James T. Kirk will make a surprise appearance, beaming in by transporter. Some pundits have dismissed this as a desperation ploy to gain attention by fanatical proponents of the thread, while others do give it some credence. Only time will tell.

- LH


23 May 03 - 03:56 PM (#958371)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

So far it doesn't look too good.


23 May 03 - 08:40 PM (#958496)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Captain Kirk's beaming in doesn't look too good? Is it true that his transporter beam was crossed by one beaming Captain Picard and that as a result Bill Shatner is now stone bald? Or to put it another way,
I i ue a i aoe ea a oe y oe eai aai ia a a a a eu i ae i o oe a?


24 May 03 - 12:04 PM (#958700)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

No, that never happened. One time, though, he did get mixed up in the transporter with a voluptous alien princess from Andromeda and came out with breasts. Really big ones. It took some time to reverse the effect, but with assistance from Commander Data Kirk's atoms were eventually rearranged and his manly and muscular chest was restored to its original form.

- LH


24 May 03 - 04:36 PM (#958804)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Oh. Sans nipples, etc.? All the human men I know have chests that are like that of human women, but less developed. Is Kirk non-human?


24 May 03 - 06:53 PM (#958837)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

He verges on superhuman...but still manages to be just a regular guy. To do this is not easy.

Now, rapaire, you may think that my chest is like that of a human woman...but not unless she's, oh, maybe 11 years old...so to speak. Flat as a pancake, in other words. There are women as flatchested as me, but they are exceedingly rare, and their nipples are usually quite a bit larger. I speak from experience on this. I would be disappointed to encounter a woman's chest that matched mine.

- LH


24 May 03 - 09:30 PM (#958879)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Indeed, Kirk is an excellent role model for the newer species; sub-super-humanoid. But that, of course, is proper, since Kirk is The Great Man, William Shatner!!

It is also so fitting and proper that this thread, the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS has evolved into a discussion of Kirk/Shatner! However, I think that, if the discussion grows, the Powers That Be should transfer this thread to the Music section, since Shatner has been such a major influence upon the evolution of Music!

k


25 May 03 - 01:21 AM (#958919)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Tonight, my lucky wife said she would enjoy smothered chicken for dinner, so I grabbed a pillow and headed out to the henhouse..


25 May 03 - 03:53 PM (#959000)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,gourmand

beats peeled baby!


25 May 03 - 04:04 PM (#959006)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

I can't believe this once great BS thread has degenrated to Shatner-speak!


25 May 03 - 04:16 PM (#959016)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Believe it, Mario. A cultural influence so powerful as that cast by William Shatner finds its way into every venue, just as surely as water or air. He is omnipresent!

- LH


25 May 03 - 05:11 PM (#959046)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Ebbie

Oh, Krate Khandu, I had wondered where your palace might be- in driving through Mississippi I had not come upon a suitable abode for your majesty. But I see now that the Khandominium is all-embracingly appropriate for you and your entourage- is there two of you?


25 May 03 - 05:13 PM (#959049)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Dang, this place seems empty without the Tweedzer's input. He is busy roaming the roads and outrunning the law of Mississippi this weekend. If he makes it back home without being sent to Parchman, I am sure he will have a tale to tell.

Meanwhile, MOAB will have to struggle along without him.

Does anyone here have a copy of Tom Jones' Bluegrass album, "Front Porch Pickin'"? Little Hawk and I would pay dearly if you could make us a tape of it! (See Spaw's Birthday Thread for more info on the elusive T.J. album, as well as some wonderful info on the aborted Shatner/Dylan recording sessions!!)

Anyone for tennis?

k


25 May 03 - 05:18 PM (#959052)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I'd have you a game, but you're too far away from me (isn't that a Mark Knopfler song?).

- LH


25 May 03 - 05:32 PM (#959062)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I was all ready to play tennis once, but then I learned that the young lady planned to knock my balls around with a big racket, all the while shouting things like "Twenty, Love!" (which I presumed was the racket mentioned earlier) to keep score. Since I didn't have twenty, I let tennis slide and decided to shoot golf instead. Got several, found a twenty gauge (bore) using #8 shot was best, but they're stringy little devils after you skin 'em and they have a rubbery flavor and texture. Never could understand why all them fellas were chasin' after me, wavin' those sticks. Shot some pool for a while, too, and was thrown out of the Louvre and the MMA for shooting pictures....


25 May 03 - 05:44 PM (#959067)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Try shooting the breeze instead. It's much easier, and no one will come after you for it, unless you're within city limits. Another thing you can easily do is shoot the rapids. All you need is a fast running river.


25 May 03 - 06:39 PM (#959086)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I tried shooting the rapids, but rafts full of people kept getting in the way. Besides, it was drilled into me when I learned to shoot "never shoot at a flat surface or at water."

Hey, LH! Do you know how fast one of them rubber rafts deflates after it's shot? It's even more fun with a bow and arrow, 'cause the arrow plugs up the hole until it's taken or knocked out, and you and some buddies can make book on how far the raft'll get!


25 May 03 - 08:07 PM (#959111)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Another thing that's great fun is to do drive-by shootings of inflatable Ronald McDonalds, Great Root Bears, and such at fast food restaurants. There's almost nothing more satisfying than pouring a few hundred rounds of 30 cal machine gun bullets into Ronald, and hearing that "psssssssshhhhh..." sound as he slowly keels over and deflates onto the top of your local McDonald's. I recommend doing it late at night. It's more dramatic that way, but make sure the area is reasonably well lit so you get the full visual effect.

An alternate technique is to nail old Ronald with a bazooka. This produces a sound like a gigantic fart, and results in more or less total destruction of the inflatable clown. The Great Root Bear reacts similarly. If you are really lucky, you may come across a giant inflatable gorilla or a T-rex, but they are rarer. Check out horse racing arenas, auctions, country fairs, and such events.

Always make sure to have a good getaway car, a good driver, and be careful not to injure any innocent bystanders.

- LH


25 May 03 - 08:17 PM (#959114)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

However, don't worry about the guilty bystanders...they deserve what ever they get.

k


25 May 03 - 08:29 PM (#959117)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

I just got three (count'em...three) PMs from different members of the Mudcat Hierarchy thanking me for this thread. They all said that I had done a great service in creating it because it has kept most of the Mudcat undesirables (and their ilk) too busy to bother the more "serious-minded" members.

And there are those who say there is no God!

k


25 May 03 - 09:30 PM (#959130)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Well, I see the garden haz devolved to smothering chickens and Shatnerspeak since I last took my leave for the frontiers ob Khnadzoo's Reaml!

Boberdz is still on the road, or mebbe haz got a motel room by now) and iz headed back to the P-Vine. We had many consecutive adventures down there this year and I will have some sort ob report wif pictures and mebbe a short video if I got enough webspace left to run it all. People, the hill country of ar Khing's state iz most special and populated by the finest folks I have ever encountered. And that ain't no BS neither...


25 May 03 - 09:37 PM (#959135)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I found a good one, LH!! A really good one!! It was up in the air and said "Goodyear" on the side!!!!!

Thank God I live in Idaho now and nobody comments on your quad fifties!! Can't WAIT for rabbit season!!!!


25 May 03 - 11:23 PM (#959165)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

The Tweed is Back!!! Tis a pleasure to have you back in Mudcatville! Can't wait to hear yore fine tales of drunkeness and blues music!

I told my many subjects to treat you royally whenever you got to Mississippi, cause even though you threw it away, you were once a Royal Consort and shall forever be treated as one!

Any new BS to add to the old BS here at the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS? That's the wunnerful thing about BS...you can take all different kinds of the stuff and it'll mix in with the rest and still be BS!!!

Anyone for parcheesi?

k


26 May 03 - 06:33 AM (#959222)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Li'l Aussie Bleeder

I get the impression that a few folks a most adept at shooting their mouths off (hee, not a pretty picture)


26 May 03 - 09:46 AM (#959263)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Got that right, Aussie. What Khandu figured was to create a thread that would attract all us BS'rs like shit attracting flies, and keep us off the rest of the forum. It's working fairly well. I figure that we will easily run it up to 1,000 posts long before George Bush launches his next pre-emptive war. I hope so, anyway.

- LH


26 May 03 - 10:47 AM (#959292)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

That may well be Little Hawk, but I am a renegade of sorts and will post this musical video clip from day two of me and the Boberdz' Mizippi expedition. This is Slick Ballinger playing on a porch outside Como Mizippi on Saturday. Great-great Grandma likes hiz music considerable az you will see. I've never seen a musician effect people the way Daniel does. This sorta thing went on for two days at various juke joints, bars and many front porches.
By the way, Mississippi is one beautiful place and the Hill Country is like heaven on earth!
Slick Plays, Great-Great Grandma Starts a Dance

Yerz in Renegade non-BS,
Tweed


26 May 03 - 10:57 AM (#959293)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Need a little more? Here's one at Mz.Mary's house early that morning. Mz.Mary lives way out on a gravel road and her flowers grow well out there. She is a gentle soul and would have played her guitar for us (she is learning how to) except the power company came and took her meter off the wall of her shack. Of course that means she can't run her water pump either, but she was so happy to see Daniel and his Mother and to make Bobertz and me anyhow. I have two bits of river gravel from her front yard which are going in the mojo bag. She is a beautiful beautiful woman.

Slick Plays for Mz.Mary


26 May 03 - 11:24 AM (#959306)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Hey, very nice!

- LH


26 May 03 - 12:12 PM (#959319)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

All I get is sound. but he sure plays fine!

A


26 May 03 - 08:06 PM (#959490)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Well, folks, I'm back from my annual pilgrimage to The Florida Folk Festival way down upon the Suwannee River and I'm here to tell you that life can certainly take some funny turns while you're out in the woods fending off the ticks and chiggers. As you may recall from my pre-festival posts, Mr. Slimuel J. (Slim) Piggins, a Vietnamese potbellied pig, had agreed to become the Porcine Party's candidate for King of Mississippi and I had agreed to be his campaign manager. I was greatly looking forward to assisting Mr. Piggins in his bid to oust the reprobate inbred King khandu from that hallowed throne. I had planned on beginning my tenure in that position upon my safe arrival home from the festival, and hoped that Mr. Piggins would await my counsel before beginning his campaign in earnest.
.
However, unbeknownst to me, Mr. Piggins decided to take it into his head to do a little campaigning while I was off pickin' and such. In fact, ole Slim decided to make an appearance at a Memorial Day barbecue hosted by a volunteer fire department over in the Biloxi, Mississippi area and there seems to have been a bit of a misunderstanding. I can't really blame the volunteer firemen for what happened because I doubt they had ever seen a Vietnamese potbellied pig running for King of Mississippi before. Anyway, ole Slim came trottin' up to the barbecue with a basketful of "Vote for Slim" balloons and this ole boy named Ralph held out an apple and said, "Nice piggy", and ole Slim bein' a sucker for a good apple... well, there's really no gentle way to put it... in just a few minutes poor ole Slim wasn't just at the barbecue, he was the barbecue.

So, now I find myself lost in the vacuum I have created for myself by my own feckless and opportunistic nature. I have alienated myself from my King and seriously doubt that getting back in his good graces is in the cards. And the chances of any other domestic farm animals running for public office and needing a campaign manager just don't look too promising. (Well, there is that one horse's ass that's in The White House, but I think he's already got someone in mind.) Perhaps I will just go back to being an idjit as it seems to be the calling to which I am best suited.


26 May 03 - 08:27 PM (#959494)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Wal, BWL, I mean, how was ya to know? Right? I can't count the number of royalty I have inadvertantly alienized, NOR the number of pure-dee aliens I have accidentally royalized. Sometyimes it gets so I can't tell whether I am exercising my royalizing compulsion on some extra-T thinly disguised as a human being, or just pissing off a properly-elevated monarch. But you gotta keep moving on, ya know what I mean?

It'll all come out in the wash, believe me -- or the graveyard, whichever comes first...


A


26 May 03 - 08:48 PM (#959506)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

"I was greatly looking forward to assisting Mr. Piggins in his bid to oust the reprobate inbred King khandu" and "I have alienated myself from my King and seriously doubt that getting back in his good graces is in the cards"

In one breath, you speak disparagingly of me and, in the next, you seem to desire my "good graces".

I like that quality in a man...double-mindedness! It shows the ability to see both sides at once! What a gifted fellow you are, Mr bee-dubya!

So sad to hear of Slim's untragic and timely death. I shall observe a moment of silence in his honor tonight while I am having porkchops.

However, I must say that I am pleased you have rejoined us here at MOAB. With both you and Tweed away, this place was not the same!

BTW, bwl, If I do leave my throne, it will be voluntarily. I am not being deposed, nor disposed! However, since I first made my announcement, I have been barraged with missives demanding that I retain my hallowed Throne. I am seriously considering this!

Kk


26 May 03 - 10:02 PM (#959523)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: harpgirl

...I finally met (Bee-dubya-ell) Bruce at the Florida Folk Festival. My girlfriends "The Muses", thought he was really cute. He's married so don't get any ideas. She's nice, too! harpy


27 May 03 - 08:53 AM (#959696)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee



ALL the good candidates are gone. I was hoping Piggins would use this as a stepping stone to the presidency.


27 May 03 - 11:14 AM (#959784)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dear King khandu,

Please do not take the term "reprobate inbred" as a personal insult. It comes with the territory when one is a king. Just ask any of our UK Mudcatter friends to describe their own royal family in two words and, to a person, they will say, "inbred reprobates".

So it has been since the time of the dinosaurs. Royal inbreeding actually began with Tyrannosaurus Rex, the king of the dinosaurs. The two most notable things about T Rex are his big teeth and his short tiny arms. With such short arms it was impossible for an adolescent T Rex with raging hormones to achieve sexual release in the manner that normally equipped dinosaurs did. In other words, T Rex couldn't wank off. So, the young male would frequently just jump the nearest thing that looked screwable and that, more often than not, would be his own cousin or sister.

Sadly, even though modern royals have arms of normal length, the tendency toward cousin-porking that began all those millions of years ago is still with us today.

Bruce


27 May 03 - 12:06 PM (#959812)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Bruce, that is a vile calumny upon the noble Tyrannosaurus Rex, and I should think you have seriously offended dinosaurs everywhere by saying it. If I were you I would not venture outside for some time...

In other words... KREEGAH!!!

- LH


27 May 03 - 07:53 PM (#960107)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

O lord habv mercy...Little Harg haz remissed into the Son Obv Stone agin! Whar iz Khnadgarz? Why iz he forgotten us....We iz lost in the Land that Time Forgot....Whar wiring harnazez are become sorry ass excuses...and no good blues wabz heard by ar Khing!


27 May 03 - 09:01 PM (#960138)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

No, no, NO! C sharp! Or maybe D sharp. Or F. Anyway, I completely disagree. Again.


27 May 03 - 09:04 PM (#960140)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

"Kreegah!" is not a "Turok, Son of Stone" expression. It's a "Tarzan of the Apes" expression. For shame, Tweed! Get with the program.

Important "Turok, Sone of Stone" expressions are:

HONK! GAH-HONK!!! (uttered by annoyed or hungry dinosaurs)

RUNK!!! (uttered by dying dinosaurs)

There may be others too...I'll look into it.

NEWSFLASH!!! While purchasing a copy of "Liberty Meadows" (the World's greatest and funniest comic) at the local comic shop a few days ago I couldn't help but notice that there were AT LEAST 8 COPIES of the old "Turok" comics for sale!!!!!!!   At an average of $8 Canadian each...

I expect an avalanche of frantic, hyperventilating comic fans to descend on Orillia shortly...be warned that security will be heavy, and be prepared to bid high for these beauties, now that the cat is officially out of the bag!

- LH


27 May 03 - 09:09 PM (#960145)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Little Hawk, this one's for you!


27 May 03 - 10:08 PM (#960172)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Everybody needs a good wiring harness...even the Kingly type!

bee-dubja, I understand and agree with your T-Rex analogy of Royals. We, here in Mississippi, are loathe to break tradition, so we don't!

It boils down to this...Royals want their spawn to be of Royal blood. What better way to insure that than begetting with members of the Royal Fambly?

Anyone for "Spin the Bottle"?

k


28 May 03 - 12:37 PM (#960594)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

SHATNER ALERT!!!!! He's been spotted at the Kerrville Folk Festival, and CarolC got a picture!

YOWSA!!! WAY COOL!!! SHATNER ROCKS!!!!!!!!


28 May 03 - 10:14 PM (#960935)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Beam me to Kerrville, Mr. Scott!

- LH


28 May 03 - 10:50 PM (#960950)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

A Google search of the terms "Shatner" and "Bohemian" brought several pages of results. This provides OVERWHELMING evidence that William Shatner -- THE William Shatner! -- is a member of the Bohemian Club and hence sacrifices to Moloch and is a crony of Cheney, a pal to Powell, and a buddy to Bush! And if additional evidence is needed, isn't Kerrville in California? Quod erat demonstratum!!!


28 May 03 - 11:34 PM (#960977)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Actually, if you had done your research properly, you would have discovered that Moloch sacrifices to Shatner, Cheney is a crony of Shatner, Powell is a pal of Shantner and Bush is a buddy to Shatner.

That is the way it is!

k


29 May 03 - 09:00 AM (#961189)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

More research shows that Khandu is correct. Even further research shows conclusively that not only Moloch sacrifices to Shatner, but so does Asmodeus, Lilith, Shaitan, the Wendigo, Nut, Freya, Woten, Baal, and Yog Sothof.

Further research into this continues. News at 11.


29 May 03 - 11:50 AM (#961301)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

YOG SOTHOTH!!! That name sends a chill through me, but not as big a chill as the dread sound "TEK-E-LI-LI!!!" Now that is horror with a capital "H". I expect to hear shortly that even GREAT CTH*LH* sacrifices to Shatner! It wouldn't surprise me. Shatner is like a force of Nature, he's simply omnipotent.

- LH


29 May 03 - 09:13 PM (#961578)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Further research also shows worship by Fenrir, Jormungand, Hecate, Hiisi, Mictlantecuhtli (and his wife), Yenaldlooshi, Daityas, Leonard, Kali, Caillech, Belphegor, Furfur, Neit, Felorn, the Morrigan, and Arawn.

Yog Sothoth was remarkably restrained today, considering that I misspelled his name.


29 May 03 - 09:17 PM (#961579)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

The majesty of the man is in his ability to make a success of spoofing himself! Shatner, and only Shatner, has mastered this. This shows his genuis, his brilliance!
How many have tried to make it in show-business by spoofing other well-knowns such as Shatner? But only he has succeeded in spoofing himself!

What a guy! It is fitting and proper that he be the highlight of the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!

What a guy!

k


29 May 03 - 10:29 PM (#961617)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

The Majesty of Shatner is shown in the fact that both MOAB and Spaw's Birthday Threads have become Shatnerized!!!

k


29 May 03 - 10:54 PM (#961625)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Scottieeeeeeeee, Please Beam these boys up! They need to be de-humanized for this thread to remain
completely insane,
constantly inhumane,
and the criterion for a permanent brain stain.


29 May 03 - 11:08 PM (#961631)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Yes...and don't forget...

Bill Shatner's initials are: B.S.

That tells you all you really need to know.

- LH


30 May 03 - 08:59 PM (#962300)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Yes! Yes! Providence has moved its mighty finger again! All this time, I believed this to be the MOTHER OF ALL BULLSH*T THREADS, but, NO...it is the MOTHER OF ALL BILL SHATNER THREADS...or not.

k


30 May 03 - 09:18 PM (#962310)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

*weeping for the BS that was once brilliant - and is now textbook material for the WSSOBA!*


30 May 03 - 11:53 PM (#962361)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Well, when you strip away the decorations and the glitter of and finally get down to basics you are faced with the most fundamental thing in all life. It's called...SHATNERIZATION. Deal with it, Mario. We all have to face these things eventually. It's like Murphy's Law...inescapable and inexorable.

"To boldly go where no man has gone before..." (Ooooo-oooo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oooooo...)

- LH


31 May 03 - 12:06 AM (#962369)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Of course, we could instead discuss the sex life of penguins. That could be good for another 20 or so posts. How about it?

- LH


31 May 03 - 09:48 AM (#962475)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

With the 'Cat going down for ten days....

Will this thread ever reach 500 posts? Will Bill Shatner ever? Stay tuned!!!!


31 May 03 - 12:33 PM (#962551)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO

And will the 'Cat be down for Spaw's birthday? (shudder).


31 May 03 - 01:42 PM (#962579)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

The 'Cat's goin' down for at least 10 days! Gawd! Think of all the BS that the regular BSers won't be able to release because the 'Cat's goin' down for 10 days! The BS will just build up and build up and when the 'Cat it comes back online it'll be like that old joke about the monkey and the cork. BS will be flying everywhere and Joe Offer will be like the monkey tryin' to put the cork back in!

Oh well, so it goes. See you whackos when it's back up. Be sure to wear your hipboots and raincoats.

Bruce


31 May 03 - 04:03 PM (#962620)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Ha!

Me and Bill Shatner


31 May 03 - 06:40 PM (#962650)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Carol the sailor, my admiration for you has had a meteoric rise! You and the Shat! Who'd a thunk it??!!

Y'all all have a nice 10 or so days and come back full of BS to add to the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!!

Y'all come back now, ya heah?

k


05 Jun 03 - 04:44 AM (#962712)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: gnu

Well... someone had to do it.


05 Jun 03 - 08:56 AM (#962745)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

"...and the Shat came back, the very next day...."


05 Jun 03 - 02:25 PM (#962839)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Well, I was gonna be a smart-ass and post something as Shiney Knause or John Ashcroft or some other fictitous person, but I'm afraid to ditch my cookie right now 'cause it might not wanna come back. As myself, I can't think of a damned thing to say right now. I'm sure Tweed will be glad that the 'Cat's back up 'cause Tweedburg was on the verge of experiencing a severe BS outbreak. Yet another bullet dodged by the crafty expatriate Hoosier.

Bruce


05 Jun 03 - 04:09 PM (#962867)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I am informed by reliable sources that William Shatner himself was quite concerned about the Mudcat being offline for an extended period. He regards this forum as an important contributor to the objective of acheiving complete SHATNERIZATION of society on a worldwide basis...an objective toward which such luminaries as George Bush Jr., Mike Tyson, Martha Stewart, Saddam Hussein, and Mao Tse-Tung have also made enthusiastic efforts of their own from time to time.

Don't prosyletize...SHATNERIZE!!!

- LH


05 Jun 03 - 07:47 PM (#962954)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

My dear BeeDub,
Tweedburg is so full of BS it has run out the cracks and you see the horrible results before you. A nameless, crawling and gibbering chaos....
Who's there?

Yerz,
Ex-pat hooszer Tweed


06 Jun 03 - 09:08 AM (#963182)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

LH, there's a William Shatner appreciation group here. They call themselves "The Shats" and using the motto "You don't know Shat!" to begin a conversation about The Man's ideas, etc. They are popularily known around here as "Shatheads" and are starting a campaign "to put a REAL Shat in the White House."


06 Jun 03 - 02:58 PM (#963341)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Gobsmacked

No Shat?!!!? I think he would make a much funnier and sexier president than even Bill Clinton did, and he would leave Bush totally in the dust.


06 Jun 03 - 08:36 PM (#963507)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

This is the 480th post to this thread. It should be patently obvious to anyone who is not asleep or dead that it will reach the heretofore unheard of landmark point of 500 posts sometime in the next few days, possibly even on Spaw's birthday.

As Knower of Things and a whole buncha other stuff and by virtue of the fact that I am 6'3" and weigh 230 pounds I declare that the posting of that 500th post is the prerogative of His Majesty King khandu of Mississippi and NO OTHER since he started this mess. Anybody that jumps in and takes that privilege away from His Majesty is gonna get an industrial-size can of whoop-ass opened on him/herself. Ya unnerstan'?

Bee etc. etc. etc.


06 Jun 03 - 08:54 PM (#963512)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

All right, boys...you heard him... an industrial size can of whup-ass!!! Dang!!

k


07 Jun 03 - 09:13 AM (#963665)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Number 500 belongs to The King, and I'll help ya, Bee etc. You whomp 'em and I'll double their library fines! That'll teach 'em! I mean, Elvis SHOULD have the honor!


07 Jun 03 - 06:12 PM (#963777)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

we comin an wil bee ther soon we gona stomp sothen usa butt cuz kandoo an twed ar to doofussess yu haf bin warmed


07 Jun 03 - 07:22 PM (#963794)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Aw-ight! You damm freds jus' cumown. I'mowntellyuwat tho, jus' 'cause we soun' lacka buncha peacniks 'roun here.... well.... jus' don' let it fool ya, Bud.

Tweed wears a jenuine camiflodge cap from K-Mart or Wal-Mart or oneuhthemotherdamnmarts.... or mebbe it's from Buck n' Bass or sumplace. I dunno. But I seen pitchers ob him wearin' it own hiz website 'n I shorazhell woudn' wanna mess wid nobody wearin' thet hat. 'N Tweed got sum serus mojo thown at 'im by a ole woman in Mizzippi a fue week ago 'n he iz runnin' 'round actin' like sumbody haf 'is age. In fack, you kin see thet hat an' thet mojo gettin put own th' boy just by clickin' rat heer. He is very unperdictible rat now 'n I'd ruther step in a fireant bed than mess wid th' boy.

'N don' even think 'bout messin' wid King khandu. I mean, thinkaboutferuhminit, the boy lives in Mizzippi. He don't have t' live in Mizzippi. He duz it 'cause he wants to! Any damm body lives in Mizzippi of hiz own free will is way too damm crazy fer this ole boy t' mess with 'n I think you damm freds'd wanna be awful careful 'bout tanglin' wid thet feller.

But, if'n you boys don' wanna tek my advice 'n jus' skeedaddle on outta here, jus' cumown. We is reddy fer ya.

Yore's Truely

Bee-dubya-ell

('N the "Bee" jus' mite stan' fer "Bubba" 'n ya'll don' ever wanna mess wid nodambody named Bubba! Or even sumbody who mite be named Bubba!)


07 Jun 03 - 07:38 PM (#963800)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

we ar freds beecuz thads wat or peepl cal orselfs my nam is bubba too bubba bubba in fac an i am cumin wit my pardnur debbee erl an we ar gun too haf two stomp yu cuz th big man said to sorry bud orders yu no


07 Jun 03 - 07:38 PM (#963801)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

That's Right, by Gawd!!! What BubbaDubya-Ell said!!!

k


07 Jun 03 - 10:29 PM (#963849)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Dere freds,
Yore obivuos lak obv gude centz and brazzen behabour iz unaxable hare and ef you and yore haf-sheep compardray air intense fore gettin' down to it than I say lets throw some handz! I habv alzo receeved sartin infromshon thet wuld put you in the vicity ob my OFFICIAL MAGNETIC SINE, which war stole by miscrints from the Boberdz' Toyota only larst week and am mose anshus to whup somonez aiss fer this high crime.

Yerz,
Tweedzerzz.


08 Jun 03 - 12:46 AM (#963876)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

I have just looked at the list of great men mentioned in this thread...Spiro Agnew, Ronald Reagan, Harry Lee Wigley, Joe Offer, William Shatner, Tom Jones, Kenny G, Tweed-Spaw-Carol C and their ilk, and I am amazed! To be honored with the mere mention of their names in the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS shows how the Mudcateers joined united in the Spirit of Undefiled BS!

Indeed, we should release a song which must be played on every radio station throughout the world in sync..."We Are The BSers".

We can change the world! For the better! Yes...you and me, working together with others of our ilk, can cause the whole world, including Florida, to reek of the wafting aroma of BS!!

What a wonderful world it could be!

And, in years to come, you can tell you great-grandchildren that you were there...you were in on the ground-breaking, earth-shaking thread, the MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS! Yes...and they will look and they will find your name written in the roster of contributors to the MOAB, and they will tell their small friends, "My Great-GrandParent was truly Great, He/She took part in the Genesis of the Change!"

Tonight my Fellow BSers, I salute you and command the subjects of the Kingdom of Mississippi to stand in Awe at the mention of your names!

King khandu


08 Jun 03 - 01:10 AM (#963883)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

I posted this over at Tweedburg 'cause someone asked, but just to show that BS is not limited to the Mudcat, nay, not limited to cyberspace, but has a genuine 3D existence, and just to push this thread one step closer to the magic 500th post, here are the rules to the annual world famous Mullet Toss at the infamous Floribama Lounge to the best of my feeble memory. Just in case they don't have 'em where you're at, a mullet is a fish.

1) No frozen mullet. They have to be straight out of the official cooler. Nice and floppy and slippery.

2) No gloves.

3) No wiping the slime off of the mullet or dropping it in the sand to improve your grip.

4) The mullet must be tossed from Alabama into Florida. The state line is the foul-line. You may take a running start, but if you step over the state line you're disqualified.

5) You may hold the mullet anyway you want. Most people find that attempting to throw a perfect spiral pass doesn't really work that well. Using one's thumb and index finger to squeeze the mullet in the gill area, taking a running start and flinging it end-over-end seems to be the best strategy, but other techniques have been tried and originality is far from frowned upon.

By the way, Hall of Fame football quarterback Kenny "Snake" Stabler, who lives just a few miles from the Floribama, and has been know to drink a beer or two there, traditionally gets the privilege of tossing the first mullet.

Bubba-dubya-ell


08 Jun 03 - 10:43 AM (#963986)
Subject: RE: BS: The Muther of all BS threads
From: CarolC

When do they have this famous mullet toss at the infamous Floribama Lounge? We might be in the vicinity sometime in the next few weeks. Hate to miss that one if it's happening while we're in the neighborhood.


08 Jun 03 - 11:17 AM (#963996)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Sorry, Carol, the Mullet Toss is in April. I just dishcovered thet I mis-spelled the name of the bar - it's "Florabama", not "Floribama". Yer kin Google up their website if ya wanna.

But, if you're going to be in the Pensacola/Mobile area and a Thursday evening is open, you & JTS are more than welcome at our weekly session on Pensacola Beach.

Accordians are welcome!!! In fact, they're abundant at times.

PM me if yer interested.

Bruce


08 Jun 03 - 11:25 AM (#964000)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

And the KNOWER OF THINGS shines again! How many times he has given us tidbits of knowledge and we have said "Hey...I didn't know that!!"! Truly, we are in the company of GREATS here at MOAB, and bee-dubya is one of them!

Carol C...perhaps you will "mull it" over before attending the contest, I am not certain the Polka Circus will approve of one of their members being seen at such a high-brow affair!!

k


08 Jun 03 - 11:47 AM (#964010)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Khandu, don't forget Yog Sothoth, Moloch, Asmodeus, Lilith, Shaitan, the Wendigo, Nut, Freya, Woten, Baal, Fenrir, Jormungand, Hecate, Hiisi, Mictlantecuhtli (and his wife), Yenaldlooshi, Daityas, Leonard, Kali, Caillech, Belphegor, Furfur, Neit, Felorn, the Morrigan, Arawn, and, of course, GREAT CTH*LH*.

Believe me, you wouldn't want to p*ss THESE folks off!


08 Jun 03 - 02:01 PM (#964076)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

WAIT-A-DAMM-MINNIT-HERE-BOYZ-N'-GURLZ!!!!

I was just scrollin' down th' music threads and one uh them PEL threads ferm them UKers has 499 posts! Nowlookahere, we cain't let a music thread beat th' Mother of All BS Threads in th' race to 500 posts. Get bizy!

Bruce


08 Jun 03 - 02:16 PM (#964083)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Very well, BeeDub,
I have noticed horizontal ridges on my fingernails. I've heard that these occur when you get very sick and they seem to correspond to my last bout of bronchitis. I would hope no one responds to this item as it is only placed to boost the totals. Thank you and Bring your BS. Bring all you can carry....the race is on.

Yerz,
Tweed


08 Jun 03 - 02:28 PM (#964085)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Hey, I didn't forget those guys...I just have trouble spelling their names!

And, yet again, bee-dubya brings up another fine point...MOAB beaten by PEL...Never let it be!!!

K


08 Jun 03 - 02:30 PM (#964086)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Oh, Tweed, I sure hate to hear of the finger situation! I had that once but it wasn't on my fingers. The doctor gave me a few shots of penisillin and took care of it!

k


08 Jun 03 - 02:37 PM (#964090)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

I surely hate to post the last five just to get to 500, but if no one joins in quickly, I is gonna!!! Can't let PEL beat us to 500!

k


08 Jun 03 - 02:41 PM (#964093)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

You unnerve me completely my Liege and Ruler. And after I have constructed this wonderful tale around your highly esteemed headress!
King Khandu gets the Royal Bird


08 Jun 03 - 02:41 PM (#964095)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

What?


08 Jun 03 - 02:43 PM (#964097)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Oops.


08 Jun 03 - 02:45 PM (#964100)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

How perfect CaroltheCrapperGirl Queen! 500 posts!!

Are you sure you will not leave the SailorMan and be the Mississippi Queen?

Yerz,
Tweed


08 Jun 03 - 02:45 PM (#964101)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Carol C....you stole my place!!!!!!!!! bee-dubya...open the industrial sized can of whup-ass!!!

500 POST OF 100% PURE UNDEFILED BS!!!!!!! This IS THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!!!
I is proud of all of you great BSers throughout the world!

Well, I am outta here for a month or two or three. Y'all be good and keep up the wonderful BS!!

Tweed, bee-dubya, the KNOWER OF THINGS and Rustic Rebel, the PURVEYOR OF BEAUTY, hold the fort down while I am gone!

Carol C, Spaw, and their ilk, support them when the falter!

Luv ya, bunches!!

King khandu


08 Jun 03 - 05:40 PM (#964159)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Well.... bye! It's been fun. Let's do it again sometime. See ya!

Bruce


08 Jun 03 - 09:12 PM (#964262)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Whaddya mean? We can't quit now. Aren't we going for 1,000 posts on this thread? Come on...

- LH


08 Jun 03 - 09:56 PM (#964284)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Damn, I've been gone awhile to come back and see The Great King Khandu exiting stage right(or was it left?). Where is he going? To Tweedville, US of A?

The journey begins...He's leavin' on a jet plane with the shirt on his back, and a loin cloth.


08 Jun 03 - 10:12 PM (#964291)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Yelling "KREEGAH!!!", as he goes...


08 Jun 03 - 10:15 PM (#964295)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Naw, LH, I wuz jus' sayin' "Bye" t' khandu since it sounds lack he is gonna check hisself into th' funny farm or go join a nunnery er sumfin. Unless th' res uv us run outta BS, wich is purty dammed unlackly, th' thread's gonna kertinew indefunittly. To parafraze Richard Geer in "An Officer and a Gentleman":

WE GOT NOPLACE ELSE TO GO!!!!

Ennyhow, I'ze reesently bin gived a bran' new multipul pursonality t' add t' my kerlekshun. Gotta play wid this Bubba-dubya-ell feller a wile longer. I ain't neber bin a bad-ass redneck before.

An' even more ennyhow, the freds is still comin'. I em vary angjus t' meet bubba bubba 'n hiz gurlfren. Mebbe we'unz kin seddle ar difrunses peaceabul-lack. Mebbe we kin hav duelin' four-wheel-drive-trucks mudbog races. Firs' one t' blow up hiz motor winz.

Bubba-dubya-ell


08 Jun 03 - 10:20 PM (#964297)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

PS: I'ze gotta feelin' thet this Bubba-dubya-ell feller is gonna say

YEEEEE-HAW!!!!

a lot.


08 Jun 03 - 10:32 PM (#964301)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

The only place in the World where I can imagine Khandu finding a significant role to play in a nunnery is Twillingsgate...where anything is possible.


08 Jun 03 - 10:40 PM (#964304)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Yes! Lovely discussion of the philosophy, and one can even create a job title should one care to do so. Ah, BS! But the Internet comes through again, and one no longer has to think up BS.

Let's hope that the creativity is never lost to the machine! This can only be done if YOU take personal responsibility and post to MOAB!


09 Jun 03 - 06:28 PM (#964766)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Ah yes! It appears that some Joe Clone (hasta be a clone 'cause Joe ain't that dumb) needs a refresher lesson on how to recognize BS. I was looking for the "Ask Dr. Guitar" and "Dr. Guitar's Surgery" threads down here in the BS netherlands and somebody has moved them up to the music threads. Now, waituhminitchereboyzn'gurlz! If people using made-up silly names asking absurd questions about guitars and receiving ridiculous "advice" along the lines of "string your guitar with spaghetti instead of Elixirs" isn't BS then I would like to know what is. I mean what's gonna happen when some poor schmuck looking for serious guitar advice runs across suggestions for how to make a stand-up bass from an old dog house? If there's a bit of serious advice in either thread I haven't found it. And I put a fair amount of the idiotic advice there myself so I know it's pure BS.

Well, I guess it just goes to show that George Bush and Tony Blair aren't the only ones capable of making decisions and taking action without bothering to read what's in front of them.

Bruce


09 Jun 03 - 07:39 PM (#964809)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

You...you mean that you CAN'T make a stand-up bass from an old doghouse? How am I going to break this to my bass player? More importantly, how am I going to break this to his dog??


09 Jun 03 - 07:57 PM (#964817)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

I am stunned. I have no BS left in me! It's as if a huge weight...a gigantic gunny sack full of circus animal droppings was lifted from me. The world is bright and perfect again and all my guitars stay in tune no matter if I leave them in front of the air conditioner all night! My dog has learned to write on a typewriter and is working on his first nove. The coffee pot loads itself in the morning. A huge oil reservoir has been discovered and lays just below the huge vein of gold in my back yard. I won the lottery and will move to Arles to take up painting soon.   O, I am free from BS....free free free free....Hooohoo Heeeeheeeeeeeeeee.....free!

Yerz,
Tweed


09 Jun 03 - 09:20 PM (#964842)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

NEUTICLES

Don't ask. Just click on it.


09 Jun 03 - 11:08 PM (#964865)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

BULLSHIT!! That ain't real...no...noooooo...that's wrong wrong...gahh...BeeDub, just as I was seeing light and smelling the flowers you habv shoveled me under wif truley copulous amounts of BS. There is no end to it. MOAB will be here when KhingKhandu Returns, in fact it may be all that remains in the end.
neuticles...jeezus Bruce, you fiend!


09 Jun 03 - 11:24 PM (#964872)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Big deal, Tweed. My dog wrote his first novel ten years ago, and can now compose poetry in 17 different languages. Don't delude yourself with these empty pretensions of normality.

- LH


10 Jun 03 - 10:14 AM (#965066)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Dead Horse

I totally fail to see the point of this thread, and refuse to post to it just so some ego-oriented git can say HIS thread got to be over 500 posts.
It's despicable and a complete waste of time and internet bandwidth, all of which is precious in this day and age.
So there!
P.S. Has anybody seen my pen? It was here a moment ago!


10 Jun 03 - 10:27 AM (#965071)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

What is truly amazing is that this thread is barely a month old, and look at the volume of it, produced by a mere handful of deranged, unemployed old hippies.

Considering that normal, healthy people are more gifted by far with the BS gene than the subset represented here, we can estimate that the planetary production of BS per month is on the order of (this thread)*1.6554* (4.23x10^9) - 11 (the number of separate individuals contributing to this thread). For annual yields, divide by thirty-five and multiply by 365. An awesome figure to contemplate whethwer you convert it to megabytes, tera-dendrils, or reams.

IF we could just convert all that BS into methane we could solve everything!


A


10 Jun 03 - 01:10 PM (#965184)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Good point, Amos. We could also solve a great deal by equipping every household in North America (and eventually the World) with a dachshund. Think about it.

Dead Horse - Way to go, old buddy! I couldn't agree more. Have you been beaten lately?

- LH


10 Jun 03 - 05:10 PM (#965363)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Shiney Knause

Hello, ya'll

I see's thet Amiss feller's still ferm Califernyuh. Cain't unnerstan' uh dang werd thet boy sez. I unnerstan' th' part 'bout th' ole hippiez, but th' res' uv it soundz sorta lack how them politishuns tawk.

Ennywayz, I jus' stopt in t' kerngadulate y'all on gettin' over five-hunnert posts t' this idjit thang ya'll 'r doin' heer. An' t' tell ya'll thet me n' my bruther Sheeney Knause haz reckonsyled ar diffrunces. We wants ya'll t' no thet we wud be glad t' hep ya'll out if'n them fred fellers kum 'round 'n meks bothers uv theirselves.

Yorez Truely,

Shiney Knause


10 Jun 03 - 09:12 PM (#965506)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Lil' Missy Fookedup

Hey ya'all. How's it goin' fer ya all today? I'm new round these here parts but I tripped up on this page and found ya all behavin' in a way that reminds me of back home.
See I come from a family of 15 brothers and I's the only girl so's my Mamma calles me Lil' Missy.
We raised corn back in the hills of Ginny and ate lots o corn cuz my Daddy made corn cob pipes for a livin'. Now ifen you wants to yap on about old hippies, I tell ya, they never stopped comin' round our place. They wore them old pipes out faster en you can shake a drip off your weenie. that's hows my Daddy made it so good in the bidness. We et so much corn when ya farted it came out the hole. The hole thing likes ya never chewed it.
Now them old hippies was perty darn right righteous people. They liked leavin Mama fresh herbs for the stew pot every time they a come round. They'd bring all their fiddles and gitars, harmonycas and clackers and sit around nearly a day playin music and smokin' Daddys pipes. And they would never forget to pay Daddy his dollar twenty five for a pipe. Yes sirree. dem was the good old days.
Just wants to say thankee for bringin' me home for a short spell.
love and kisses, Lil Missy Fookedup


10 Jun 03 - 09:48 PM (#965521)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

kandu not cumin bak debbee erl fond him yestirda yu kan haf him bak in swap fer twed butt beter akt soun kaz debbee erl iz getin hungree yez we ar heer had nis trip wil cal soun


10 Jun 03 - 10:19 PM (#965533)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Ok, thanks for the heads up about the jam, Bee-dubya-ell. I'll send a PM if it looks like we'll be around for that.

Sorry Tweed. Mississippi's a beautiful place and all, and I'm sure being the Queen of it would be a great thing to have on my resume. But once a woman gets hold of a man from Newfoundland, she's not likely to be leaving him for a mainlander. At least not by choice.


11 Jun 03 - 12:21 AM (#965595)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Sorry, freds, you're not gettin' Tweed.

But, you might want to share this recipe with debee erl.


Momma's Old-Fashioned Khandu Chowder

1 Khandu
1 5# Bag of onions
1 50# Bag of potatoes
5 Big ole elephant garlics
1 Box salt
1 Box black pepper
1 55 Gallon drum milk
1 Gallon tub of butter

Find something big enough to boil all this stuff in (like an old bathtub). Fill it up with water and throw the Khandu, onions, potatoes and garlic into it. Bring to a boil and allow to simmer for two or three hours. Remove the Khandu from the boiling water. Remove bones, teeth and other inedible parts and chop what's left into bite-size chunks. Drain off the water and replace with the milk. Throw the Khandu chunks back in and add butter, salt and pepper. Heat to just before boiling. DO NOT BOIL - IT WILL SCALD THE MILK! Remove from heat and serve.

Enjoy


11 Jun 03 - 02:43 AM (#965633)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

My God...

I didn't think it could get any worse, but it has.


11 Jun 03 - 11:23 AM (#965844)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

You can't make CHOWDER from a Southerner!!!!!


11 Jun 03 - 11:32 AM (#965852)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

So I should have given them the recipe for Tante Helene's Khandu Gumbo instead?


11 Jun 03 - 01:56 PM (#965937)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Yew cain't make nuthin' worthwhile frum a Southerner!

- LH


11 Jun 03 - 09:33 PM (#966192)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Your right Hawk, it has gotten worse. The thought of eating a Khandu makes me shudder with pure delightful joy, but it has definitly gotten worse.
There seems to be something missing in that recipe though, I think it's corn. Hey, Maybe we can get little Missy to get some from her daddy. Little Missy we'll save you the cobs. Maybe it's missing neuticles.
No, on second thought it will already have the real things in there won't it?
Ok I think I know what your recipe is missing Bee-Dub.... Beer. Yup. That's what it is. Gotta add a can of beer just for making the Khandu nice and tender.


11 Jun 03 - 09:56 PM (#966198)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

I cannot believe the Mudcat has degenerated in its desperation to discussions -- cheerful, enthusiastic discussions -- of community cannibalism. With RECIPES!!!???

Little Hawk, your true colors have been shown -- you are clearly a monger of Moral Turpitude, a Merchant of Degradation, a Demoralizer of Beingness, a Corroder of Values, a no-goodnik, a bum, and a ne'er-do-well, a pit of Shame on feet.

Put that in your bowl and eat it!!

A


11 Jun 03 - 10:17 PM (#966207)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Of coarse your right Amos. Looking at this in a different perspective, I do see the cannibalism here. Now myself, I didn't realize we where talking about cooking the King Khandu. I thought a khandu was some type of flying squirrel or a relative of the flying rodent. A thousand pardons. I believe it would take more than a can of beer to tenderize the King. Perhaps a couple cases would do.


11 Jun 03 - 10:46 PM (#966221)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

this debbee erl bubba bubba sik trid et kandu thru up lots an lots now bubba bubba pizd off at kandu want feet him too pet trillirt butt afrayd kandu mak trillirt sik to yu shur yu wont trayd fer twed thinc maibee twed bettr fud than kandu wil put in nis raygun fer boot

whut iz drum milk in resipy how du yu milk drum i tryd butt man hid me wit stix so i et him stix wur krunche gud tho


11 Jun 03 - 10:48 PM (#966222)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Oh, right, RR -- of course the capitalization was just a slip, recurring, and the reference to making foodstuffs from Southerners was about Georgia road-kill, I guess. A thousand pardons duly begged for my harboring of ungentlemanly suspicions, ma'a'm!

A


11 Jun 03 - 11:45 PM (#966249)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

CANNIBALISM:

1 : the eating of human flesh by a human being
2 : the eating of the flesh of an animal by another animal of the same kind

The eating of a human being by freds is not cannibalism since freds are not human beings! Since bubba bubba and debee erl had already captured King khandu and were going to eat him anyway, the recipe that I provided was strictly an attempt to make their eating experience more enjoyable. It doesn't mean that I want them to eat King khandu. But, if it's a given that freds are going to eat someone and it's a choice between khandu or Tweed, I'm sorry, but I must take a pragmatic viewpoint.

Ya see, Tweed's got this really cool website that I like hang out at, and if freds ate him then it'd be the end of TWEEDBURG and I'd have to find yet another place to waste my time.

Bubba bubba and debee erl, I am sorry if khandu is not real good eatin' but yer not gettin' th' Tweedster unless ya come after him! Ya unnerstan'?   

Bubba-dubya-ell


12 Jun 03 - 12:10 AM (#966260)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Goddammit this iz getting to be positively creepy... pore Khing Khnardnoz boiled and consumed and now the exotic Debbee Erl is licking her chops and looking over at my tasty self. Okay, just puree me wif a dozen bulbs obv garlic and five pounds of Blue Cheese in a hammermill, strain through cheesecloth and serve me at room temperature in a galvanized bucket. Move over Khandu, we ar fixing to intermingle in one obv Queen Carol's Crappers.


12 Jun 03 - 08:54 PM (#966653)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

hi heer debbee erl ned help bubba bubba did not et kandu jus tasded then bubba bubba sik rel sik an i nurz bubba bubba gud now bubba bubba chanj kal self big blint litenen bubba azk fur gitar an bubba bubba now sin with kandu stuf lik

Now luka heer bluz i wana tak too yu yu ben maken me drinken gamblen an sta ot al niht to now yu got me too the plaz i dond kar wat i du yeah now bluz i wana haf a lidl tak with yu now i belef youf ben drinken munshin bluz cuz yu dond kaar wat yu du

not let me et kandu etir so help debbee erl an debbee erl not et kandu but twed mabee wat meenz bluz wat iz bluz wat iz gitar wat rong wit bubba bubba kan bee kurt plez help


12 Jun 03 - 09:28 PM (#966670)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Little Hawk,

My apologies. All that invective should have been directed at this OTHER lowlife, BWL who know has taken on the color of a Southron and is ACTUALLY the monger of degenerate abasement around here.
You are merely a FIGUREHEAD of turpitude, a silhouette, a mere signal of demoralization, and not its actual provenance, sir. I humbly withdraw my vilification.

Regards,


A


13 Jun 03 - 01:05 AM (#966711)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Amos,

Regarding your accusation that I am "the monger of degenerate abasement around here", I am sure that in some areas of the country people do keep generators in their basements, but, here in Florida, the water table is far too high for basements to be practical. We generally keep our generators in our garages. I'll let the mongrel part slide as it's more or less the truth. My family didn't exactly come over on The Mayflower.

Ree-gards

BWL aka Monger of Degenerate Abasement (MDA)


14 Jun 03 - 12:37 PM (#966902)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

her debee erl agan bubba bubba stil duin bluz now sinin sant jams infermree wit kandu an blak snak mone wantz tu lern banju an gitar but haz to mani dijitz an keepz getin tangld in strins if bubba bubba diez me debee erl gona be sum pized of mabee et twed an beedubyael an brin mutcad don forevr becuz no bs


14 Jun 03 - 01:55 PM (#966927)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Mrs.Duck

Que?


16 Jun 03 - 11:48 PM (#967358)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

We got back from our trip to Tupelo Mississippi late last night. It was pretty cool. Lots of good music, and I spread my accordion addiction around a bit. We got some pictures. Here's one:

Me and Elvis and Elvis

Looks like one of our next trips will be to Dearborn Michigan. Hey LH, want to get together somewhere in Ontario while JtS and I are in your general area?


17 Jun 03 - 09:25 AM (#967567)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Nice photos, CC!

A


17 Jun 03 - 10:08 AM (#967592)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dear Carol,

You seem to have developed a propensity toward having your picture taken in the company of life-sized two-dimensional cardboard representations of well-known people. First Shatner, now Elvis. Who's next? I know where ya can find Britney Spears and several NASCAR drivers if yer interested.


Dear debee erl,

If bubba bubba is still actin' weird and feelin' poorly you might consider a little side trip to southern Alabama. There are Fred's Pharmacies all over the place. I didn't know that there were enough freds in southern Alabama to need their own pharmacies, but there must be as they are rather large stores. It looks like bubba bubba's not the only one who finds southerners hard to digest.

BWL


17 Jun 03 - 12:28 PM (#967723)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Debby Earl (Freds)

Hey, Bee-dubya-ell! How you?

Y'all might think it odd that I'm writin' to ya like this, but I gotta odd sort of story to tell ya.

Seems like when ol' Bubba Bubba was down with the Blues, she went and infected me too. Foren ya know it, both of us realized that we were really just a couple of good ol' southerners at heart, and we went and changed ourselfs to be what we really are.

Anyway, ol' Bubba Bubba grew herself some long blonde har and got sort of big on top and curvy in the middle and somewhere got some of them bluejeans that look like they was poured on and a tee shirt top that says "Watchalookinatbub?" on it. She's done takin up singin' the blues and does a dang good job of it,too. Her hairs all piled up on toppa her head and she's caused several fights down at the truck stop, and not with her guitar playin', neither! She says she's gonna move to Memphis or mebbe Nashville soon and make some bucks.

Me, I jist growed into a six-four feller and I sorta tag along with Bubba Bubba, protectin' her and playing banjo, sometimes ukelele when she REALLY gets down and bluesy.

We turned ol' Khandu loose, not much the worse for wear, but when Bubba Bubba changed and became what's she's become, ol' Khandu looked mighty sick -- lower'n a snake's belly in a wagon rut, in fact. A starvin' snake, at that.

We told that Galactic Overlord to stick it, so he shouldn't be botherin' you anymore either. Bubba Bubba and me are gonna take to the road right soon, so iffen you see us, give a shout and we'll buy ya a beer. Not Budweiser, though -- maybe a Lone Star or somethin' even better.

Yer Friend,
Debbie Earl

PS: Do we have to do somethin' about our names? I'm makin' lots of new men friends, but I'm not sure I like 'em.


17 Jun 03 - 06:32 PM (#967990)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Amos, you have deeply offended me! You wrote that...

"You are merely a FIGUREHEAD of turpitude, a silhouette, a mere signal of demoralization, and not its actual provenance, sir. I humbly withdraw my vilification."

Those are fighting words, Amos. I am no mere figurehead! I am a full-time director at the WSSBA! Utter and absolute BS is my business. I richly deserve your vilification and I DEMAND IT!!!!

If you are not willing to provide it, I shall be forced to demand satisfaction. Be assured that I am in deadly earnest when I say that. In Canada we don't get mad...we get irritated.

Carol - Yes, it would be nice to get together. PM me with your plans.

- LH


17 Jun 03 - 07:11 PM (#968018)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Lil' Missy Fookedup

Hey ya'all. I sees I am not a very welcomed people to this here community. Why I jus stopped in fer a hello and I gets me a big fat-ass nothin' I was a thinkin' yous were like my home town folks but I takes it all back. I'm feelin' abused and mistreated in a land that I don't belong so Ima goin to wander on out of here with my tail draggin' and my ass shaggin' and I'm a goin' to get my doggies on back to Yahoo chat where peoples treat ya right. That's a right I said YAHOO chat. I can be anyone I wants at YAHOO chat. I can be the queen o' blues over there and I gets respect. Ya all has seen the last O Lil' Missy round here I tell ya that much.The End of Lil' Missy Fookedup round here I swear it is. I ain't never comin' back ya hear.


17 Jun 03 - 07:52 PM (#968046)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Now, don't take this wrong Missy, but mebbe if you changed your handle to Queen o' Blues or Something you would be showered wif roses and Amos would lay himself in mud hole so you wouldn't get yore feet soiled az you lightly stepped on his head. Thar are many of us who ar summat fookedup and certainly is no high crime, but ya...mebbe a different handle for you...

Yerz,
Tweed


17 Jun 03 - 08:32 PM (#968065)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Wal. Missy, you -- like all your gender -- have a perfect and inalienable (but highly alien) right to have all the snit and vapour yore substitute heart desires, but it just stands tro common sense thet anyone posting to a thread that is OVER 540 posts long is jes' asking for a no-response. Suit your own snooty little self, pretty britches, but consider it might be a reflection of your own divine ignorance, and tell that to the folks over to Yahoo!

First Vowel


17 Jun 03 - 08:42 PM (#968072)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

I think Tweed's hittin' purty close to th' mark there, Missy. Mebbe if you wuz t' call yerself "Lil' Missy Fuppeduck" instead. There's lots of fupped ducks 'round here. In fact, Tweed iz th' "First Duck" which means he iz th' mos' fupped duck of all. Joe Offer iz jus' th' "Third Duck of Pelahatchee" which means he iz also fupped duck, but not az fupped duck az Tweed.

Bee etc. - Mongrel widda Generator inda Basement


17 Jun 03 - 09:08 PM (#968084)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Ah, mon cher Leedle Hack, I must MOST heavily apolospew on your best shoes! It is too true what you say -- my vilification is worthy of yourself in every dimension!! Consider it restored with Deep, Brilliant Polish!! Permanently Protected!! Permeating Every Cavity!!! With Invisible Shield!! Not a Cough in a Car Load!! America is Asking You to....well, never mind.

I hereby restore to you my best Investive without let, hindrance, compromise or stammer in any degree.

A


17 Jun 03 - 10:45 PM (#968121)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Where the hell have I been? Oh no I mean where has Kandu been! Last thing I know he was leaping out of here in a loin cloth with a 'God Bless Mississippi' tie on. Then he ended up in a pot of stew and haven't heard from him since. Is he on a mission?
Hey Little Pissy Missy, I did acknowledge you when I was talking about adding corn to the stew but goodbye.

I have a story of sorts to tell about the band that we are forming.
First we play in less than 2 weeks at a small blues fest in N. Minnesota. Our name is 'B.T. and the Blues Bombers'. BT is on guitar, Geno on keyboard, JR on bass,Trev on drums and I'm playing harp and some rhythm guitar, and I'll be doing a couple solo songs that I wrote.
The story begins....
BT decided to name us the bombers because he says we bombed so bad the last time we played. I'm saying oh that's nice Bobby I'm out joining peace marches and now I'm a BOMBER!
To date we have only jammed together 3 times, and that doesn't include the whole band. I just asked Trev last week if he wanted to drum he says, "yes but I have to find my drums" Ok, so we have a drummer with no drums...Yet!
Geno on keyboards can play about four chords and a couple little riffs. I left him my keyboard to practice but I hear he is a little slow at it. Maybe next week he'll try to learn a C chord progression!
JR is a guitar player filling in on Bass for us. He's good though so I have faith, but I still haven't heard him on bass or for that matter jammed with him yet!
BT is good, we are doing most of his songs so he will have them down if no-one else will.
And that leads me to myself. Rusty, yeah you could call me that. I haven't done any jamming on the harp in almost a year. My lungs suck, my lips are cracked and I basically know how to suck and blow to get me through but I need work.

This is going to be a riot. (people throwing tomatos?) But you know what? I can't wait. I think I'm going to go up there and have a great time! With any motivation we'll get our shit together and jam these next two weeks more than once! Wish me luck huh?
Rustic the Blues BOMBER! (I think we need to change the name once we get discovered!)


18 Jun 03 - 01:26 AM (#968151)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I just reread this entire thread with great care and discovered to my utter amazement that it is a code, which when decyphered, provides the entire sexual history of Elvis Presley in complete detail. It's astonishing, to say the least, and quite enlightening. I'm surprised he didn't die sooner. I do not intend to reveal my method of breaking the code, because I would not want others to suffer as I have and possibly lose their sanity in the process.

Sometimes one can know a little too much...

- LH


18 Jun 03 - 06:09 AM (#968249)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Liddle Harg, I find that utterly astonishing! I have been confronted in the physical world by people who have said the same thing about this steaming heap of cowpat. MOAB is taking on Beatles-like mystique it seems and King Khandu would be proud I'm sure. I have tried to re-read the entire thread but found I soon drifted into a sort of catatonic trance state. I remained in that condition so long, I awoke to discover a family of Ruby-throats had nested in my hair. They are vicious birds and fairly territorial and have successfully avoided the baseball bat, always zipping clear at the last millisecond leaving me with a cluster of lumps on my pore skullbone. I've decided to give up on the bat and will try spraying them with an industrial strenght insecticide instead and avoid further damage to myself.

Unfortunately I am unable to locate this code, or anything resembling sentient thought processes here but I am summat slow and now even more thick headed due to these pesky hummers.

Yerz,
Tweed
Focked Duck de Mizippi


18 Jun 03 - 11:02 AM (#968428)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

That's nothing, Tweed. I have even been encountered by non-physical entities in the Astral worlds regarding this thread. It is cosmic and all-embracing (just like the sexual life of Elvis).

- LH


18 Jun 03 - 11:21 AM (#968443)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

I don't know why you think my new friends are "life-sized two-dimensional cardboard representations of well-known people", Bee-dubya-ell. Of all the nerve. I don't talk about your friends that way.

Glad you liked the pictures, Amos.

Cool, LH. PM on the way.


18 Jun 03 - 07:35 PM (#968686)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

CarolC, Queen of Sailors:
Please pay no attention to the doddering old folky known as Beedub the Knower of More Than a Couple o'things. He wishes he could have stood so close to a cardboard Elvis. He is living in Flamabama and has developed the quirks that go with that backward nation.


18 Jun 03 - 10:52 PM (#968751)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I know a guy who salivates when he stands next to cardboard likenesses of Shania Twain...


18 Jun 03 - 11:43 PM (#968772)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Carol:

Now, now, don't take it personally. Everybody is a life-like two dimensional representation of a real person. Even mon ch&egrave;re Leedle Hack! Maybe not cardboard, but in the bigger picture, there's precious little distinction to be made between wet meat and dry carboard. They're both carbon-oxygen complications, after all.

A


18 Jun 03 - 11:58 PM (#968780)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Liddle Harg, I confess I yam salivating while thinking about a cardboard likeness of Shania Twain. How a nation could produce her and then produce Shatner is beyond me. What a divers country you live in.


19 Jun 03 - 08:21 AM (#968962)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Being a cardboard two-dimensional representation of myself, I often find that I stand near the three- (and sometime more) dimensionsal me. I have many pictures of me with my arm around my shoulder or drinking a beer with myself, William Shatner, Elvis, and Shania Twain. The worst two-dimensional representation I know George W. Bush, who's a two-faced Mobius strip. (A Mobius strip is NOT something performed in a sleazy theatre, but a topological phenomenon. Shania Twain does not do a Mobius strip, although I'm certain she could make one.)


19 Jun 03 - 08:46 AM (#968981)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Mebbe she could -- they're not hard to make (fold once and join ends!). But could she explain it?

A


19 Jun 03 - 12:15 PM (#969105)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Did I ever tell you folks about the dachshund I had that was in an accident and ended up folded like a Mobius strip?







I thought not.


19 Jun 03 - 01:24 PM (#969170)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Tweed - No, no, it's the OTHER way around...first William Shatner and THEN Shania Twain. That is the process of natural evolution in Canada. Impressive, eh?

Amos, that was a truly brilliant comment! Indeed, we are all two-dimensional representations of the real being we truly are. Marvelous! Life is the biggest stage play of all time, and this thread is contributing magnificently to the comic aspects of the play.

I wish I had a cardboard replica of George Bush here. I would first of all give it a mighty kick in the nuts, then throw tomatoes at it, and then probably hang it in effigy. Fun, fun, fun... It would be neat to add horns and vampire fangs to as well.

- LH


19 Jun 03 - 05:16 PM (#969309)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Did you know that Shania Twain and Travis Tritt are doing a tour together? Yup. Not quite a tour, really more of an appreciation of the work of Conway Twitty -- they'll be in New Jersey, in fact.

It is, of course, called "The Twain-Tritt Trenton Twitty Tribute Tour."


19 Jun 03 - 07:20 PM (#969378)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

LH,
I am consumed wif terror az I habv only just now witnessed a television commercial message for a tooth whitening system and the woman falls asleep and dreams she is (apparently become) a tooth in a line of other human/tooth items and all are doing a Riverdance sorta thing. There beside her is none other than

Bill Shatner

doing a irish jig of sorts wif no lines to say, he emotes whiteness and smiles the coy Shatner smile. There was no Shania Twain in the line anywhere. I am wondering now if Crest toothpaste has been bought by a Canadian firm..
I need to go lay down and cancel the cable. It's too much....it's...it's...all BS. MOAB has spread like SARS. Worst of all, KingKhandu haz taken a cyberdump and left the building.
May God hab mercy on us all.
Yerz,
Tweed


19 Jun 03 - 09:03 PM (#969419)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Oh, He will, Tweed. He will.

- LH


20 Jun 03 - 09:25 AM (#969666)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Good morning!


20 Jun 03 - 10:51 AM (#969724)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

"The Twain-Tritt Trenton Twitty Tribute Tour."

You have entirely too much time on your hands!!! ROFLMAO!

A


20 Jun 03 - 11:02 AM (#969730)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

And if Elmer Fudd were Announcing it it would be the Twain-TwittTwenton-Twitty-Twibute-Too-wa


20 Jun 03 - 02:34 PM (#969831)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Ooooo...that's just tewwible! Don't even twy saying it.

- LH


21 Jun 03 - 12:23 AM (#970051)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Got Milk? (obscure Liberty Meadows reference)


21 Jun 03 - 12:57 AM (#970065)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

LITTLE HAWK

THIS THREAD IS AN AUTHORITARIAN IDEOLOGICAL EMPIRE!

A


21 Jun 03 - 09:19 AM (#970147)
Subject: Circus Time!
From: CarolC

So we'll be taking the Polka Circus on the road soon. Circus season is upon us. It looks like we'll be in Bee-dubya-ell's neck o' the woods around the 4th of July (but probably not in time for the jam session on the beach).

Then we'll be headed up to Michigan for several weeks (Detroit area), with a (relatively) short trip to the Chicago/southern Wisconsin area sometime in early August, then back to Michigan. We'll be making several trips up into Ontario while we're in Michigan.

We'll be on the lookout for people like my new friends, Bill Shatner and Elvis, along the way. If we find any, I'll post the pictures here.


21 Jun 03 - 10:00 AM (#970160)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

CarolC, I certainly hope you're charging them plenty to have their picture taken with you.


21 Jun 03 - 10:48 AM (#970172)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

This sounds good, Carol, and I'm sure you will run into Bill somewhere. He's like mildew...omnipresent.

- LH


21 Jun 03 - 11:29 AM (#970184)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

And in other ways, as well....


21 Jun 03 - 11:08 PM (#970421)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Well, gee, CarolC! Sad to hear you won't be able to make the Thursday night session. Since you won't be there I'm not going to mention that, in addition to the usual jigs, reels and hornpipes we'll probably play a bunch of Irish POLKAS. And, since there will already be a couple of excellent squeezers there, I'm sure we won't miss you while we're playing all those POLKAS.


21 Jun 03 - 11:47 PM (#970432)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

My Aunt Dorothy used to love to dance like that -- we called her "Polka Dot."


22 Jun 03 - 07:52 PM (#970628)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

No, no! This thread cannot be destined for the oblivion of no one posting to it in 24 hours! No, I say! It shall NOT be! Never will the name of the Great State of Arkansas be so slighted, so slandered, so mud-bedraggled! I say NO! And I know that all true blooded people will join me in saying NO! to those who would so profane the name of the Fair State of Arkansas! Wait...this is MOAB, not Arkansas. Forget that I said anything, okay?


22 Jun 03 - 10:56 PM (#970711)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

I don't know any Polkas.


22 Jun 03 - 11:40 PM (#970727)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Larry Polka and his wife, Jan, used to live down the street from me when I was growing up. Used to play games with his son, Bill.

They were Irish, from Killorgan. The town was called that after an incident in the Cromwellian Wars, when the townspeople converted the church's instrument into a weapon of war. It would fire over a hundred projectiles at once by compressed air, and the rate of fire could be adjusted so that it would, at the same time, play Bach, hymns, or popular tunes of the day. Legend has it that it played Handel's "Water Music"* while it sank an entire fleet of Cromwell's that had been sent to circumvent the Irish forces. The weapon would have revolutionized warfare, but it failed because Organ Pumpers Local 386 AF of L/CIO went on strike for longer hours and lower pay, which permitted Cromwell's men to either burn the town of Killorgan and ravish the locals or vice-versa. In either case, arson or ravishment, the locals were closed and townspeople were deprived of Guinness.

This was considered the worst atrocity Cromwell's forces ever committed on Irish soil, and they did some pretty darn good ones.

I have their address somewhere if you'd like to write to them.



*Which hadn't been written yet. Some think that G. F. Handel might have heard the tune at this time.


22 Jun 03 - 11:44 PM (#970729)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

WHAT??? NO POLKAS???

BUT YOU PLAY ACCORDIAN!


Accordian players widdout polkas iz like grits widdout eggs! It's like Mudcat widdout BS!

I repeat,

WHAT??? NO POLKAS???

I'm very confused! I think you've just fundamentally re-arranged my entire concept of reality. I'm going to go lie down now.


23 Jun 03 - 12:08 AM (#970737)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Why Carol -- you've established the non-polka as a weapon of mass confusion!! Well done!!

A


23 Jun 03 - 02:53 AM (#970768)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Amos! You're an absolute genius for seeing the potential of the non-polka-playing-accordianist (NPPA) as a weapon of mass confusion! Just imagine! When Dumbya gets ready for his next pre-emptive strike, instead of a half-million troops he can send in a few dozen NPPA's. The citizenry of the invaded country will flock toward the NPPA's with the intention of stoning them to death for playing polkas. But they won't play polkas! So as the accordianists stroll through the countryside the crowds around them will get larger and larger. Sort of like the Pied Piper only the crowds aren't really attracted to the music - they're attracted to the bloodlust that will ensue when a polka gets played. But no polkas will be played! Before long every man, woman, child, soldier, shiek, cleric and despotic ruler will be following the NPPA's around just waiting for that polka. But finally, somewhere out in the desert, the crowds will come to the realization that no polkas are going to be played! They will realize that not all accordianists play polkas! Their worlds will be turned upside down! They will renounce militant Islam or Rabid Zionism or Snake-handling Christianity or Crass Materialism or whatever other insanity afflicts them and will all become accordian players. And they will not play polkas because you don't have to play polkas to play accordian! Wow! World peace through no polkas! So simple yet so elegant.

BWL (Currently an abbreviation for "Boy! Whatta Looney!")


23 Jun 03 - 09:41 AM (#970900)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

But...but...what will my Aunt Dorothy do? Will all of the polka lovers form guerilla bands? There will be an upswing in polka related violence as accordion players are kidnaped and forced to learn polkas. Once so brain-washed they will stay with the polka lovers (PLLF, pronounced as it sounds and an abbreviation for the Polka Lovers Liberation Front). Soon the PLLF will have a corner on the accordionist market and will turn them against decent folk. There will be polka suicides, where an accordionist will innocently enter a restaurant or school and then suddenly whip out an accordion and play a polka!

Accordion detectors will appear at the doors of every school and airport. A three century waiting period will be enacted for anyone wanting the purchase an accordion. Eventually all accordions will be confiscated by The Authorities, but they will still get into the hands of the PLLF. Crudely made ones, dangerous to use, will appear. People will sneak off to visit the back-alley accordionist. News of raids will appear in the paper: "Cops Bust PLLF Stonghold; Sieze Thousands Of Recordings."

Eventually we will go to war with Poland and Hungary so that we can tear out this terror by its roots. The mastermind behind the terror, the secretive Seldom Iz-Seen, will flee, hiding at wedding receptions across the American Middle West. He will finally be taken in either Minnesota or one of the Dakotas, unrepentant and clutching his prized recording of "Beer Barrel Polka." Sentenced to death ("...to be taken to the place of execution and there made to listen to The Blues until you are dead, and may God have mercy on your soul..."), his execution will trigger a new wave of PLLF violence.

And you, bee etc., will be personally responsible for plunging the world into a new age of terror.

Have a nice day!


23 Jun 03 - 10:26 AM (#970920)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

I thought accordions were only for playing waltzes, slow aires, and laments.

CarolC, NPPA (Non-Polka Playing Accordionista)


23 Jun 03 - 10:53 AM (#970944)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Be alert, people! Some fool who goes by the moniker of "tunesmith" is inadvertently launching threads with even more humorous potential than this one, and he's apparently being dead serious when he does it! Check out "What Price the Truth!" for more shocking revelations that will simply knock you out of your socks or reduce you to helpless laughter...

- LH


23 Jun 03 - 03:19 PM (#971113)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

In short, the PLLF will inspire such draconian laws as are now applied to banjos.


23 Jun 03 - 03:21 PM (#971114)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Actually, LH, I did check out the "What Price Truth?" thread.

The price of truth is exactly equal to Tunesmith's IQ, in Canadian dollars.


23 Jun 03 - 04:16 PM (#971138)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Yes, the "What Price Truth?" thread has shocked and stunned my easilly shocked and stunned self by positing that Jesus may have been just a myth! First non-polka-playing-accordianinsts and now Jesus-was-only-a-myth! I feel my whole world view crumbling. The paradigms are shifting like the San Andreas fault would shift if someone were to pump a couple billion barrels of WD-40 into it.

Slippin' annuh slidin'....

BWL (Babbling Wigged-out Lunatic)


24 Jun 03 - 08:38 AM (#971498)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

LH, for some reason I can't find the socks I was knocked out of.


24 Jun 03 - 08:41 AM (#971502)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

accio socks!

Sorry - doesn't seem to have worked....


24 Jun 03 - 08:52 AM (#971509)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Practice, practice and more practice, MM. It's all in the wrist....


A


24 Jun 03 - 10:11 AM (#971554)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

In short, the PLLF will inspire such draconian laws as are now applied to banjos.

No, those laws were put into effect for accordions after Lawrence Welk single-handedly destroyed the social lives of 45 percent of adolescents in the US back in the 1950s and 1960s, when their parents forced them to learn to play the accordion just like him.

But I've been working hard to reverse that trend, rather insidiously if I do say so myself. A little semi-nakedness along with clever product placement can accomplish the near-impossible.


24 Jun 03 - 04:00 PM (#971749)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

So you're saying, Carol, that we should just enforce the laws we already have on the books?


24 Jun 03 - 05:35 PM (#971794)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Lurching, staggering, and blathering, the Mother of all BS threads makes it way tenaciously toward 600!!!

Stay tuned for the magic moment! Who will make the 600th pointless posting?

Talk about suspense...

- LH


24 Jun 03 - 05:39 PM (#971798)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Closer...closer...closer... (biting fingernails)


24 Jun 03 - 06:19 PM (#971809)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Well, it ain't gonna be me.


24 Jun 03 - 06:28 PM (#971819)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

And it ain't gonna be me.


24 Jun 03 - 07:19 PM (#971837)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Wadn't me.

So you're saying, Carol, that we should just enforce the laws we already have on the books?

Goodness, I certainly hope not. Or I might have to start an accordion civil-disobedience movement. And that might hurt.


24 Jun 03 - 07:23 PM (#971840)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

But, Rap, it wuz you! Gawd! Watta buncha ½-wits we iz! Fupped duck another milestone! Lessee if we kin do #700 th' right way! Okay?

Only 399 posts left 'til 1000!


24 Jun 03 - 07:38 PM (#971843)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: catspaw49

Just thought I'd drop by for a quick fart to help boost this thing along..........

BBBRRRAAAAWWWWMMMPPP

...........ahhhhh.....good one.........**whiff--whiff**......whoa!...

Spaw


24 Jun 03 - 08:02 PM (#971862)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Ya gotta love a guy who is always being so helpful. Just don't invite him to sleep in your bedroom -- you could wake up dead!!

A


24 Jun 03 - 08:47 PM (#971878)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

He's got to make up for the time remaining...you can't fart in heaven!


24 Jun 03 - 10:53 PM (#971898)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Dammit that's a great fart Spaw. Brown letters and all...jeezus, light a match BeeDub willya?


25 Jun 03 - 05:37 PM (#972327)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Refresh. Oh God, please refresh!!! After what Spaw did, refresh!!!


25 Jun 03 - 07:42 PM (#972377)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Little Hawk! Sorry, bub, but you're dead wrong about the "you can't fart in heaven" thing! You can fart all you want to! The thing is nobody minds if you fart in heaven because heavenly farts don't stink! They smell like whatever you want them to! Roses, Grandma's apple pie, you name it. They just can't smell like anything stinky. Stink is not allowed in heaven. Farting, yes. Stinking, no. So, you get all the fun of farting without everybody knowing that you ate Chinese food for lunch.

I'm sure Spaw will enjoy the experience when the time comes. A fart that smells like the interior of a brand new 1956 MG would probably be fun.

Bruce


25 Jun 03 - 07:48 PM (#972383)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

REFRESH,REFRESH,REFRESH!!!


25 Jun 03 - 09:39 PM (#972417)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Oh, for heaven's sake! You can't fart in heaven because you don't have a physical body there, and lack an intestinal tract there, ya goof! You can't fart in the Astral Worlds either...but I suppose you could simulate a fart there if you wanted to. There are probably mischievous souls who do just that, complete with horrendous sound effects. Just like teenage boys in libraries and study halls...

Now if Spaw went to hell...well, I hate to think what might happen! It might result in the biggest volcanic eruption of all time.

- LH


26 Jun 03 - 10:32 AM (#972714)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

"You can't fart in heaven because you don't have a physical body there,"

LH, how do you reconcile this with the doctrine (taught by all the better Christian churches) of the resurrection of the body?


26 Jun 03 - 10:41 AM (#972720)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

"All the better Christian churches"???? What's that supposed to mean!!? Anyway, reconciling one's metaphysical beliefs with those taught in such places is an exercise in futility, for the most part. LH is quite entitled to invent his OWN religion.

A


26 Jun 03 - 06:43 PM (#972968)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I'm sorry, I forgot a Basic Truth. There cannot be physical bodies in Heaven and LH is completely correct. For if music is Truth, then we must all become reconciled that in Heaven there is no beer, since beer would require physical bodies for its enjoyment.

Hmmm..."Heaven for the climate and Hell for the company." Limbo's out, but Purgatory is still in. LH, can you drink beer in purgatory?


26 Jun 03 - 07:11 PM (#972986)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: McGrath of Harlow

In Heaven you are supposed to have a Glorified Body, which would mean Glorified Farts presumably. All part of the Heavenly Choir.


26 Jun 03 - 07:33 PM (#973003)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I sort of doubt that you can drink beer in purgatory. You can probably simulate doing so in the Astral, however. As for heaven, there are probably many different heavens, so maybe you can simulate it in some of them too. But why would you want to? (just joking...I happen not to like beer very much at all)

- LH


26 Jun 03 - 10:29 PM (#973063)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Forget Heaven then, and Purgatory (beer'd probably be warm anyway), and Hell (probably only have Budweiser cold).

Is Valhalla still open for business? Or Tir nA nOg?


27 Jun 03 - 02:41 AM (#973125)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Speaking of things astral, I've been visited by a ghost! While driving to our Thursday night Irish session I had the radio tuned to the local university operated public station and what should they play but an archived live radio broadcast of a band I played with in 1990! Talk about deja vu or vuja de or whatever! Driving down the Interstate listening to what you sounded like thirteen years ago is weird. Actually, I was surprised at how good it sounded considering that none of us had any idea what the Hell we were doing at the time.
Some of us do still play together informally and we've all gotten much better. Hell, if we could round the whole crew back up and patch up the hurt feelings and bruised egos, we'd flat kick ass.

On second thought, nevermind. Sounds too much like work.

Bruce


27 Jun 03 - 04:11 PM (#973465)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Perhaps we are all ghosts, since we live in the past.


27 Jun 03 - 06:48 PM (#973567)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

And since we all live in the past (all of our sensory input actually happened some time ago, however long or short), what you experienced, BWL, wasn't from a radio station archive.

You were actually enjoying a so-called "live" performance. It's just that your sensory input is sort of slow.


27 Jun 03 - 09:00 PM (#973638)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

But Rap, if it was a "live" performance how was I at the university playing guitar/hammer dulcimer and in my truck driving to the beach to play guitar both at the same time?

And if it was live, that means that :

1) I still have the Taylor 810 that I played at that concert though I distinctly remember it being stolen about two weeks later.

2) David the cello player still lives in Mobile instead of in Pennsylvania so it hasn't really been ten years since we played together.

3) The two fiddlers are still best of friends and don't really snarl cuss and fight when they happen to run into each other.

4) I still play the hammer dulcimer quite well despite the fact that it has hardly been out of the case in eight years.

5) My mind is still thoroughly addled from alcohol and other substances though I ceased doing all that stuff about two months after that concert.


Can I just have #'s 1 thru 4 be true? I much prefer #5 the way it is now.

Bruce


27 Jun 03 - 09:34 PM (#973647)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

A simple viewing of all the films of William Shatner in chronological order from beginning to end could clear this up in six months or less, I would think.

- LH


27 Jun 03 - 10:03 PM (#973654)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

No, you only *heard* it then -- the sound waves only reached your brain then. Everything else has changed, but the sensory input just reached your cognitive centers.

Everything that happened since then will soon be overtaking you too. What you think you have experienced "since" then actually occurred before the performance; what happened after the performance you will now experience.

Briefly, input of your life is running 13 years slow.


27 Jun 03 - 10:18 PM (#973658)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

And exactly what were the chances, I repeat, what were the chances that we could get into something this arcane, esoteric and edgey without Billy Boy's name coming up?

Answer - The chances were exactly three: slim, none, same a those of a snowball in hell.

Actually, things don't need to be arcane, esoteric and edgey for Shatner involvement, do they? Dull, boring and mundane seem to work just as well.

And to really clear the matter up wouldn't one need to watch all of Shatner's films in reverse chronological order?


27 Jun 03 - 11:00 PM (#973677)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,William Shatner

Of course, one could have a Mudcat thread that does not mention me at all...but...WHY???

As to the problem that bee-dubya-ell seems to be experiencing, it is an all to common problem for the "people" of Ralpha-Beta One (which rotates in the opposite direction as Earth). Even I experienced this difficulty once when I visited there. I commiserate with the boy.

Little Hawk, my Beloved Proponent with whom I am well pleased, is almost right on target with his suggested cure. In addition to the films (Correct bee-dubya, play them in reverse order and play them backward), one should also watch my TV Commercials, including the Price Line ads as well as my wonderful Riverdancing on the tooth whitener commercial!

Opps...gotta go...I see another opportunity to exploit myself!

Bill


28 Jun 03 - 02:17 AM (#973716)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Thank you Mr. Shatner. I believe you have cleared up my problem. As I reflect on it, I'm sure that the bass player in that band was from Ralpha-Beta One. As the female denizens of that backward planet are known to have strong psychic abilities she must have put some Ralpha-Beta One mojo on us that makes us confuse past present and future. As this current episode of temporal distortion is the first of which I am aware, it appears that said mojo has a recurring thirteen-year cycle. It is entirely possible I will be flummoxed again in 2016.   

It also explains some peculiarities about the bass player herself. Like why she always wore those funny gloves with the ends of the fingers missing. She could fold up all those extra digits and stuff them inside the gloves and nobody would ever notice that she really had 17 fingers on each hand. It might also go a long way toward explaining why she was so fond of her bass and had given it a guy's name. It wasn't really a bass fiddle at all! It was a Ralpha-Beta One male. They are known to undergo metamorphosis several times during their life cycles, and one of the later pupate forms is almost indistinguishable from that of a 3/4 size bass violin.

(In fact, the Ralpha-Beta One male pupates three times during his life cycle. The bass fiddle form mentioned above is the final one. The earlier forms are almost identical to 1923 Gibson F5 mandolins and 1934 D-28 Martins. It is at these earlier stages of life that the defenseless males are most subject to predation, primarily by eBay scam artists and Asian gentlemen who own musical instrument companies.)


28 Jun 03 - 02:23 PM (#973897)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Oh! Oh! A direct posting from the Shatman (gasp!). Oh, Mr Shatner, I can only say that I bask in the warmth of your approval! Yes, indeed, and I should not have neglected to mention those commercials, which are incomparable examples of, of...well, words fail me to describe it.

Now here's a Star Trek scene coming to me...

(We are on the bridge of the original Enterprise, complete with cardboard bulkheads and little lighted diode thingies that blink on and off and make little "boop" sounds. Spock has just returned from a fact-finding mission to Megavulva 9, the mysterious planet of alien barhostesses. He is looking very, very grave...)

Kirk: "What's wrong, Mr Spock?"

Bones: "Yes, Spock...you do look a litte green around the gills." (winks at the Captain)

Spock: "It's quite intriguing, Captain. I seem to have...lost my mojo."   

(Kirk looks very shocked and raises his eyebrows. Bones pops his left eyebrow up so high that it vanishes offscreen.)

Kirk: "How did it happen, Mr Spock?!"

Spock: "That is the strangest part of all, Captain. I recall nothing out of the ordinary happening whatsoever following my introduction to the alien barhostesses national curling team in their dressing rooms, but my mojo is definitely gone."

Bones: "Call me insensitive, but I didn't even know you had one."

Spock: "Doctor McCoy, these sort of intemperate personal remarks do not serve you well."

Kirk (grinning): "Well, don't look at me. I haven't got it." (turns decisively to anonymous crewmember in red pattern uniform) "Ensign Rogers! I...want you to prepare an away team...to beam down there at once, and...find Mr Spock's mojo! I...will accompany the away team, of course. I...intend to get to the bottom of this!"

Ensign Rogers (formerly anonymous crewmember in red pattern uniform):
"Aye, sir!" (turns away toward camera, sweating profusely, and agonizes underneath his breath) "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die..."


28 Jun 03 - 09:06 PM (#974078)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Spock

Fascinating.

I got my mojo working but it just don't work on you.

Spock


28 Jun 03 - 11:06 PM (#974109)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Oh YES it does, Spock baby!!!


29 Jun 03 - 07:07 PM (#974372)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I probably shouldn't mention this, so I won't.


30 Jun 03 - 12:30 AM (#974449)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

"Crikey, I've lost my mojo!" (love that line)

- LH


30 Jun 03 - 02:16 AM (#974462)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Crikey? Did Little Hawk actually use the word "crikey"?


30 Jun 03 - 09:50 PM (#974817)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Yes, I do believe he used the word crikey. Does that mean your right in tune with Spock, LH when you said, "Crickey, I lost my mojo"?
I'm glad I still have my mojo workin', it wears me out but it hasn't left me yet.


30 Jun 03 - 10:24 PM (#974833)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

What this thread needs is a real gypsy woman. But I can't offer mine -- she's tole me once, and I do NOT want her to have to tell me twice!!

A


30 Jun 03 - 10:43 PM (#974840)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

I RECALL A GYPSY WOMAN

Silver coins that jingle jangle
Fancy shoes that dance in time
Oh the secrets of her dark eyes,
They did sing a gypsy rhyme

Yellow clover in tangled blossoms
In a meadow silky green
Where she held me to her bosom,
Just a boy of seventeen

CHORUS:
I recall a gypsy woman
Silver spangles in her eyes
Ivory skin against the moonlight
And the taste of life's sweet wine

Soft breezes blow from fragrant meadows
And stir the darkness in my mind
Oh gentle woman you sleep beside me
Little know who haunts my mind

Gypsy lady I hear your laughter
And it dances in my head
While my tender wife and babies
Slumber softly in their beds


01 Jul 03 - 12:18 AM (#974872)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Gypsies are a powerful romantic symbol in western civilization, and thus have made a great contribution for which we can all be grateful.

I met one woman who certainly fit my expectations of a gypsy girl. She also had a boyfriend who fit my expectations of an outlaw biker. I admired her discreetly from a distance.

It wouldn't have worked anyway. She smokes like a chimney, and could chew me up and spit me out and barely even notice, I suspect. Good thing that boyfriend was around to keep me sensible. :-)

- LH


01 Jul 03 - 11:14 PM (#974918)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

I heard the children from the gypsy camp, right beside my own.
The sweet sounds of the candybox violins wafted in the wind.
I could hear a woman singing, My name is Gipsy Rose
and the sound of thosegypsy violins sounded off the crows.
Then I heard a commotion, and the harp player stopped playing his tune,
the police busted up the party, and the music was over too soon.


01 Jul 03 - 11:23 PM (#974921)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Well hell, that didn't work like it was supposed to! I had some pretty cool photos of the gypsys but it must have been a gypsy ghost (or something) stopping it from happening!


02 Jul 03 - 08:48 AM (#975098)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I remember the Gypsy Woman from my youth. Lived two houses down. Wild, she was, with her black hair tossing in the breeze or flowing with every step she took. All the young men wanted to play with her and did; I certainly wasn't alone in her affections. And then came the terrible day when she was struck and killed by a car. I think that every male of whatever age for blocks and blocks around was in tears, and I'm certain that the local tavern did a roaring business in lieu of a formal wake. Seldom was there a cocker spaniel who was so well and so widely loved as the Gypsy Woman.


02 Jul 03 - 01:11 PM (#975265)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I don't find cocker spaniels very lovable at all, come to think of it. They are usually half-wits who attempt to copulate with inanimate objects. Gypsy women, on the other hand, are definitely worth having in a community.

- LH


02 Jul 03 - 05:16 PM (#975489)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Gypsy Woman (we called her "Gyp") tried to copulate with your leg. Right or left, it didn't matter. Or a wooden one. She was caught with a banjo once, and for THAT she was banished to the shed for a month! Her owner said that there "wuznt gonna be none of that, that, onnatoorel stuff round here!"


02 Jul 03 - 08:59 PM (#975598)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Copulating with a banjo is not an unnatural act. In fact, banjos are in a state of perpetual copulation! Being-in-the-act-of-copulation is the banjo's most natural state! Just ask any banjo player how many times he has been told to, "Put that fucking banjo in the case and go to bed!" The only time banjo copulation might be construed as unnatural is when one is told to, "Stick that fucking banjo up your ass!" and even that's really just a matter of preference, isn't it?

Bruce


02 Jul 03 - 09:22 PM (#975619)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Well, the most sordid part of the whole story is that Gyp ended up being the mother of a whole litter of cross-bred pups. We kids just called 'em "those weird puppies," but the adults about had a conniption trying to figger out what to call 'em. Since the mother was a cocker spaniel and the father a four-string banjo, some folks called 'em "spanbans" and others "ban cocks" (which caused confusion with the capitol of Thailand and which led to a riot because some of the neighborhood men, who, because of a lack of water [for their whisky or whiskey] weren't hearing too well thought there was afoot what we today might call a "Lorena Bobbit Fan Club" and they went around stealing metal trash can lids and bending them into the shape of metal diapers and then wearing them until finally the police came and calmed things down to the usual loud uproar and middlin' chaos that was the norm) and other "four cockers" (which led to a mass of male feelings of inadequacy for blocks around) and still others "spanjos," which was probably the best name for them because eventually their owner reconciled himself to them and took them on the road, where the little pups made melody (?) by holding their tails upright and crawling all over each other as puppies do; this was fine until they got older and started fighting amongst themselves, which led to the music being called "a cross between a quintet of untuned alien stringed instruments and a helluva good dog fight in the orchestra pit."

I hope that this clears everything up adequately.


02 Jul 03 - 09:53 PM (#975643)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

This thread is lurching into new and unclaimed territory like a drunken rottweiler hot on the heels of a squealing pig careening into the midst of an Italian wedding ceremony. Quo vadis? Que pasa? What's the rumpus?

- LH


02 Jul 03 - 09:59 PM (#975651)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Indeed, this is the Finnegan's Wake of BS threads, perhaps even the Recherche du Temps Perdu of the Finnegan's Wake of BS threads. Perhaps again, Kafka might be more to the point.


03 Jul 03 - 05:57 AM (#975804)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: the lemonade lady

I just wanted to add my name to this list, because I didn't want to be the only one not on it!

Just a little thought, and I dare say someone, somewhere in this MoaBSt's, has probably asked this before, but, if the threads aren't all split up, how would I be able find one 'thing' in particular?

Sal


03 Jul 03 - 06:58 AM (#975834)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Pore Mz. Lemon,
There iz nothing in this entire 646 message pile of crap that you would ever want to find again. Run for it dear Lady afore you start talking even worse nonsense! ;~)

Yerz,
Tweed
KOTROT and Duc D'Earl


03 Jul 03 - 08:29 AM (#975861)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: the lemonade lady

Ok I've got my coat, now which way do I go?

#8-0

Sal


03 Jul 03 - 09:12 AM (#975894)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Ms Lemon,

I suspect that any direction you run will bring you right back here, since once you have found MOAB, you cannot escape. CANNOT. You and MOAB are bound together, inseperable, a Unity, destined to remain such forever and beyond.

Welcome. Come, join us. Don't be afraid. You don't have a choice now anyway.


03 Jul 03 - 01:18 PM (#976064)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

My Dear Ms Lemon,

Thank you ever so much for pointing out the one serious weakness in this otherwise perfect work of art, The Mother of All BS Threads. I will personally endeavor to rectify the situation and see to it that the MOAB is indexed, cross-indexed and fully annotated with with extensive bibliography and complete footnotes.

Then again, maybe I won't.

Bruce


03 Jul 03 - 01:22 PM (#976072)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Kim C

Let the wild rumpus start.

(okay, so I'm a little late in the game...)


03 Jul 03 - 08:39 PM (#976316)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

"...His mother found his body later, and it was still warm."

The real ending to "Where the Wild Things Are."


04 Jul 03 - 10:32 AM (#976646)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Rumpus: Lat.,v., to rump.

Declined:

Rumpus
Rumpi
Rumpo
Rumpum
Rumpo

Rumpi
Rumporum
Rumpis
Rumpos
Rumpis


04 Jul 03 - 12:08 PM (#976702)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Shee, shy, sheiss, shorum, sharum, shorum, shees, shaas, shy, sho, sha, sho. Shic, sheic, shoc, shuius, shuius, shuius, shos, shaas, shy.

Sho what? (I took Latin too)

- LH


04 Jul 03 - 12:38 PM (#976733)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

All I can find about the word "rumpus" is that the origin is unknown and that the first use was about 1764. I doubt that it's Latin, though...and it's certainly not a verb.


04 Jul 03 - 01:36 PM (#976776)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Sorry, Rapaire, but you're wrong about the real ending to "Where the Wild Things Are."

One little known point about "Where the Wild Things Are" is that Max's last name is Samsa. That's right, as in "Gregor Samsa" of Kafka's "Metamorphosis" fame. It seems that the propensity toward waking one fine morning to find that one has been transformed into a distinctly non-human creature of some sort is a family trait in the Samsa clan. The very next morning after the events of "Where the Wild Things Are" Max awoke to find himself transformed into a giant chicken. This was way to much for the wild things. Max-as-human was able to escape them, but Max-as-white-leghorn was, sadly, not. Ain't nothin' wild things likes more than fried chicken. They jus' gotta have it.


04 Jul 03 - 05:43 PM (#976935)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Is it possible, then, that the metamorphed Gregor Samsa was actually eaten by one of his own relatives, the one who passed alone the chicken gene to Max?

I'm just a shy, retiring kid from the Great Midwest and have so much to learn and so many questions.....


05 Jul 03 - 12:54 AM (#977106)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

"Rumpus" is a noun. It means a disturbance, a kerfuffle, some excitement, a noisy altercation, that sort of thing. I found out by watching the movie "Miller's Crossing" that there was a time when mobsters were fond of saying "What's the rumpus?" I believe that time was in the 30's...the glorious era of prohibition and the Thompson submachine gun. It may have been in the 20's too.

- LH


05 Jul 03 - 10:38 AM (#977277)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

LH, there is also "rumpus room," where the word is used as an adjective -- and for the life of me I can't think to the correct term for this usage. It's not a gerund or an adverbial. Ah well, I don't use no grammar anyhow these days because nobody else does either.

Mentally playing with words, I've come up with "grampus bumpass rumpus" and I'm not going to think about that any more because the mental picture is too disturbing.


05 Jul 03 - 12:22 PM (#977324)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

You can't call a noun an adjective just because you are using it to qualify another noun. Is dog an adjective when you say "dog collar"? What's the rumpus?

- LH


05 Jul 03 - 02:00 PM (#977372)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Why not? People are verbing nouns all the time, summiting their endeavors and paradigming themselves into all sorts of shapes.

It's one of the curses and joys of English that different parts of speech can modify one another: running faucet, f***ing football, dying cowboy are all examples of verbs modifying nouns. Even nouns modify nouns, and with interesting results: a house cat is not the same as a cat house, for instance. And you can get stuff like "the house cat was out cattin' around the cat house" and it makes sense.

Besides, I agree with The Caterpillar that Alice met.


05 Jul 03 - 03:24 PM (#977415)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

WOE,WOE UNTO US ALL......MOAB is lost to quarreling English majors....Where iz ar King, Master of all things ridicamuss, Royal Rumpusser and Lord of All Household Cleansing Powders and Chlorine Toilet and Urinal Cakes.
Gone are the days of complete chaos and gibberish in MOAB. I weep bitter tears into my tattered sleeve, my dog howls at the quarter sticks of TNT that the immigrants next door are igniting, and a mosquito has found it's way to my armpit. Where is our King? Where is the DEET and how will I ever know how much to apply?

Pore Rattled,
Tweed


05 Jul 03 - 08:45 PM (#977563)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bubba Bubba

Oh, Tweed honey, don't use no DEET! It makes me itch. Of course, you do too, but in a different way.

Debbie Earl says to say hi, too.


05 Jul 03 - 09:19 PM (#977577)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

...quarreling English majors...????

What else has the Mudcat ever been about? Face it, probably half of us were English majors. How come else you think we write so good? Onliest thing more useless than a English major is a English major that went and turned into a folk musician.


06 Jul 03 - 12:46 AM (#977632)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Right. So what's the rumpus?


06 Jul 03 - 01:22 AM (#977637)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

A gerund is a noun formed from a verb. To make a gerund, you add "-ing" to the verb, just as with a present participle. The fundamental difference is that a gerund is a noun, while a participle is an adjective:

gerund

I enjoy running. ("Running" is a noun acting as the direct object of the verb "enjoy.")

participle

Stay away from running water. ("Running" is an adjective modifying the noun "water".)

Rumpus room is a construction in which a noun (rumpus) is serving as an adjective to modify the noun "room" exactly as in -- for example -- "coal mine" and "dog house". In the expression "dog collar" is an adjective.

All clear?

A


06 Jul 03 - 05:53 AM (#977684)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: C-flat

gerunding?


06 Jul 03 - 06:36 AM (#977697)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST

I'm so glad I didn't add post number 666 to this thread.


06 Jul 03 - 01:00 PM (#977829)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Speaking of 666, did you know that US Highway 666, which used to run right through the heart of Navaho country, has been renumbered as US Highway 491? Apparently because of public pressure.... Talk about stupidly silly!


07 Jul 03 - 07:02 PM (#978628)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Well, it finally happened. The MOAB was not refreshed before it fell off the page! 'Taint my fault. I was out tryin' to make a livin' and haven't even had the 'puter on since Saturday night.

Now, the question becomes, "Is it really a priority anyway? Wouldn't it be more in keeping with the essential MOABness of the thing to just know that it's available for when a weird-ass goofy thought says, 'I belong on the MOAB' instead of feeling compelled to post to it daily?"


07 Jul 03 - 08:21 PM (#978674)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Well, yes and no.


07 Jul 03 - 08:31 PM (#978683)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

-OR-

You could go check out this thread I started today...

On the road with JtS & CarolC


08 Jul 03 - 08:07 AM (#978927)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I think that perhaps I can give you a definite answer on that, if you will allow me time to think about it. But then again, I don't know -- it's not the sort of thing you want to rush right into, you know. On the other hand, we shouldn't shilly-shally in a matter of such importance. Nonetheless, it does require study and consideration. I'll check with my supervisors when they return; maybe they'll set up a committee to discuss it and prepare an action paper. In the meantime, for God's sakes don't DO anything!

There, that's decided.


08 Jul 03 - 10:16 PM (#979442)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

I like the sound of participle,
it kind of rhymes with kiss my nipple,
while drinking Boon's Farm apple ripple,
or tequila and plum done in triple.

It's got the word party in it,
which makes me think it all will fit.
Maybe I'll name my thingy- Participle.


10 Jul 03 - 10:45 PM (#981002)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

Tonight I have watch a marvelous thing on A&E TV. It is an old "Columbo" rerun, starring the wonderful William Shatner. His acting is his usual superb job. And one of the most brilliant things on the program, other than Columbo's keen intellect, is Shatner's moustache.

It has a life of its own. In one scene it is dark and thick; the next scene it is thin and light.
At times it is perfectly straight across his lip, while at other times, it is slightly curved.
In many scenes, it is low on his lip,but watch a bit longer...it gets higher...and later, even higher!

What a great actor to think of including his moustache in the performing of each scene!

No wonder Shatner is lauded so highly throughout the world (and beyond?), he is THE Actor of all time, truly a MAN among men!

In the distant future, one name will shine among the great actors of the world...WILLIAM SHATNER!!!


11 Jul 03 - 08:57 AM (#981196)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Welcome Back, Mom!

There's a chap on the police department here named Kirk Scott. And yes, he's a captain. Knowing cops, he has my sympathy.


11 Jul 03 - 09:24 AM (#981210)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Kim C

Hasn't anyone mentioned rumpy pumpy?

I was an English major. I actually stuck around long enough to get the degree, and now thinking I might go back for the Masters, if I can find enough change in the sofa cushions...


11 Jul 03 - 09:39 AM (#981218)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

NO, Kim! Don't do it! Save yourself! It's still not too late to get an MBA!!!


11 Jul 03 - 10:35 AM (#981255)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Oh Kim, go for technological stuff!!

A


11 Jul 03 - 10:36 AM (#981257)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Kim C

Me and technological stuff, is like a frog on a bike. Besides, even technological people need writers for their manuals. :-)


11 Jul 03 - 10:53 AM (#981269)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

LH have you fallen so low as to be posting Shatner-praise under psuedonymns now?


11 Jul 03 - 11:59 AM (#981309)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

An Open Letter -- well, note, to Kim:

Technological stuff isn't hard. There's nearly no math at all involved now, unless you REALLY want to get involved (or are forced to) and feel a compulsion to translate decimal to binary or octel or hexadecimal, and Kim, they have wonderful treatment programs for those people nowadays. Of course, the electroconvulsive therapy DOES leave gaps in their...whatchamacallit...you know...their...ah, shoot.

And remember that Enlish majors can do anything: flip burgers, make french fries, dig sewer lines, anything.

I was 55 when I wrote my first web page. I was 45 when I learned to fool around in the AIX and Solaris flavors of Unix.

Come on, Kim. It's not a problem or anything to be afraid of. Join us. Don't be afraid.

Sincerely yours,
Rapaire
BA (English), most of an MA (English), and some other such stuff.


11 Jul 03 - 01:34 PM (#981376)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Hi, Mario! No, I have not fallen quite that low. It wasn't me. I do have to say, though, that Thespian is right on the mark in his/her inspired comments regarding William Shatner, the greatest ACTOR of our (or any) age, and I couldn't have said it better myself. I'll have to see if we can secure a copy of that Columbo episode for the film library at the WSSBA in beautiful lakeland Orillia.

- LH


11 Jul 03 - 07:50 PM (#981583)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

William Shakespeare
William Shatner

but he also spelled it

William Shakspear
William Shatner

and

William Shaxper
William Shatner

and x is the 23rd letter of the alphabet, and t is the 20th, 23-20=3;
p is the 16th letter and n is the 14th, 16-14=2.

As we all know, Bill's birthday is: March 22!!! 3/22!!

The Man has recently written "Of all the roles I've played in my career, some of my most favorite were written by that most famous of scribes, Shakespeare." Yes!! Check out his website yourself and see!

Thus it is proved:

William Shatner IS William Shakespeare. Numerologically, letterologically, the proof is irrefutable. The Great Mystery is solved: not Francis Bacon, not Christopher Marlow, not Ben Jonson, not Elizabeth I, not Charlie's Aunt, but William Shatner wrote the greatest plays in English.

And LH, in August he's going to be in Binghamton, NY -- close enough that YOU can visit him. How I envy you!


11 Jul 03 - 09:01 PM (#981599)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

I applaud Little Hawk for his voicing of a hidden truth. This same truth I have sat on for years, for fear of being ridiculed. Hurrah, now it has been spoken in an open forum! William Shatner is William Shakespear!

Yes! Yes! It is True!

Now that it has been told, can you not see it? Think of the various roles that the Great Shatner has played...from the Twilight Zone to the Price Line.com ads...can you not see the similarities in his unique speech and the writings of Shakespear.

Have you not noticed the drama in his voice even as he speaks of the most mundane thing? Shakespear was a fine dramatist, and comedian...so also is Shatner! Remember Shatner's stirring rendition of Elton John's "Rocket Man"? Such wonderful drama blending perfectly with fine-line comedy!

I believe there is some undefinable something that causes True Greats to live forever, and Shakespear, being a True Great, is living on this earth now, in the form of the one we know as William Shatner!

Truly, we are exceedingly blessed to be living in a world where William Shatner abides!


11 Jul 03 - 09:03 PM (#981600)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

I am so sorry...I attributed the "Truth-telling" to Little Hawk, but it belongs to Rapaire!


11 Jul 03 - 09:40 PM (#981609)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Still more proof, as if it were needed:

             B enedict
             I ago
          Ham L et
             L orenzo

Taming of the S hrew
             H amlet
             A ll's Well That End's Well
Richard the T hird
       Twelth N ight
         Macb E th
    King Lea R

Acrosticological, letterological, and numerological proofs. I'm working on astrological, because it's written in the stars I'm sure.


12 Jul 03 - 12:02 AM (#981638)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Kim C

If I remember right, techies can flip burgers too, just as well as anyone else can.

I know you're being amusing... but the fact is, I'm proud of my degree. I had to work hard to get it. (If it hadn't been for the math, I would have had a much more respectable GPA. I did well in all my literature classes.) If you don't think reading and writing are worthwhile endeavors, then all I can do is offer my pity.

And I've never flipped burgers. Ice cream, actually, was my fast food of choice, and I was damn good at slinging it. But that's what I did while I was still in school.

Now I edit the company newsletter, and write songs, and stories. One of my good friends, who is a novelist, and a teacher (who has a Masters in English) has re-introduced me to the joys of poetry, which I had long forgotten.

So tell me again what's wrong with that?


12 Jul 03 - 03:30 AM (#981675)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

You tell 'em, Kim! And I'm by God proud of my BA in English too! But I'd rather shoot by foot off than even think about pursuing an MA in English! What I would like to do is get a second BA in art and then an MFA. I'm already making a meager yet satisfying living as a visual artist. It would be nice to have some credentials to go along with all the money I'm not making. Only problem (other than lack of funds) is that age has curtailed my willingness to jump through hoops and do stupid meaningless shit just for the sake of a letter on a piece of paper. (At this point, I'm only willing to do stupid meaningless shit for money.) I'm afraid that the probability of student/professor conversations featuring prominent use of the term "Kiss my ass!" would be pretty high.

Bruce


12 Jul 03 - 10:01 AM (#981794)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Kim, I'd never, ever, try to stop anyone from getting more schoolin'. My BA in English Lit (and often I was lit, too) was a remarkable achievement, given that it was interupted by my rich Uncle Sammy, a lot of poor grades, and a kid who didn't have a clue about where he was going.

No, I wasn't drafted, I was National Guard and my unit was activated and sent to Vietnam; I ended up in Korea. When you're told that you're going away to war for up to two years BEFORE the end of the semester, 18th Century Literature suddenly isn't quite so important anymore.

Fortunately, when I got back I was physically older, and psychologically MUCH older, and I wanted to get undergrad work over and get on with my life. All I did then was take up with the woman I eventually married and, because I was dating a faculty member and some of my previous friends had returned to teach, I went to faculty parties and such.

I found my niche in libraries, following an aborted grad school stint, a futile attempt to get into another grad school, and finally graduating from what was then one of the best library sci. grad schools in the US. Then, with my wife in working on her doctorate (in law), I started another master's program, in English (writing focus). That school dropped the program before I finished, so I quit.

The last class I took ended on July 3. Prior to that I'd taken two classes last fall, when I was still back in KY.

If you want to go to grad school, do it. Now or later, but if you want to, do it. You're not to old until the sod hits your casket, and maybe not then.

By the way, you might check out a book called "Graining the Mare." It's a collection of Western poetry by women -- I've been "into" so-called "Cowboy" poetry since about 1992 and find it far more vital and involved than much of the current "academic" poetry.


12 Jul 03 - 10:09 AM (#981800)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Oh, yeah -- my wife got a doctorate in law (JD) because she didn't want to put up with the academic stuff of writing a dissertation, etc.

Like bee-dubya-ell, I haven't pursued a phud because, as he said, there would be a lot of suggestions for kissing, and I just might make even more explicit suggestions. I was afraid of it when I returned to college, but all except one of those I dealt with had dealt with vets returning from the Korean War and were cool about it. The exception was and still is a fool, and he wasn't a prof anyway. Sometimes it seems to me that the farther a discipline is removed from "the real world" the pettier and more involved in academic politics it gets. I've seen it; my wife worked in colleges and universities for YEARS.

If you want it, go get it.


12 Jul 03 - 10:50 AM (#981818)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Kim C

I will check out that poetry book. I love cowboy poetry too.

Nowadays, you don't necessarily have to write a thesis. The program I'm interested offers a non-thesis option where you maintain a portfolio of your work, and take a big ol' honkin' exam instead.

Now I just have to find some money...


12 Jul 03 - 11:05 AM (#981827)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Way to go, Kim. Suggestion withdrawn -- follow thine heart.

A


12 Jul 03 - 11:38 AM (#981842)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Well then, go it, girl!

There is, or was, some money available for "older students" in the way of scholarships, grants, etc. Odd how academic institutions find that older students make damned good students....


12 Jul 03 - 12:16 PM (#981864)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

By God, Rapaire & Thespian, you are both worthy of immediate appointment to the governing board at the WSSBA (William Shatner School of BAAAAAD Acting) in beautiful lakeland Orillia, Ontario (also the home of Gordon Lightfoot). You have both achieved Shatnerization without a doubt, and driven this thread to loftier heights of BS ("Bill Shatner") than ever before. I am awestruck and humbled by your contributions!

- LH


12 Jul 03 - 06:16 PM (#982007)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

My dog, a Rat Terrorist, is an unusual animal. When I take him out at night during a full moon, he actually looks at the moon and howls. He doesn't howl unless the moon is full.

But that is not the most unusual thing about him. He has a kind of extra-sensory perceptive power.

When I watch TV, he ignores the set until...now I know this is difficult to believe...something, an ad or program, with William Shatner in it is about to come on.

This power has a 100% no-fail statistic. Whenever my dog runs to the TV and stares at it, I tell my significant other that Shatner is about to appear. And he does!!

My dog, "Tiberius", (named after Starship Capt. James Tiberius Kirk, incidentally!) will then sit and stare at the TV until Shatner is no longer on screen!

I sought the counsel of a pet psychic concerning this, and she told me that the dog indeed has psychic abilities! When I asked her why does this ability seem to arise only when Shatner is on TV, she said, "Well, hell...Shatner is the only thing on TV worth watching!"

Some things are so simple, they are easy to overlook!


12 Jul 03 - 06:55 PM (#982027)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Exactly. It's the sheer simplicity of it that is so awesome, and which completely eludes the poor wretches among us who do not recognize Shatner for what he is...the very apotheosis and ne plus ultra of talent, wit, sex appeal, and dramatic panache.

The power of the Man can be appreciated by the fact that no one dares any longer to put his name in a thread title on Mudcat, for fear of throwing the entire forum into confusion. Thus he must enter quietly, through the side door as it were, in order to avoid causing a stampede.

That's power, baby!

- LH


12 Jul 03 - 07:32 PM (#982046)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Board appointment, hmmm? Well, unworthy as I am, I suppose that someone has to do it. And while I'm equally certain that Board members serve without pay...the WSSBA certainly must pick up the costs associated with school business...like travel to and from Board meetings...and meals....and lodging...and...well, if such an appointment were thrust upon me, so to speak, why, yes, I'd serve....


12 Jul 03 - 09:18 PM (#982084)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

DIRECTIONS FOR DELICIOUS HUSHPUPPIES

Mix hushpuppy mix with water to make medium thick batter (batter should be only thick enough so that it will hold together when dropped into hot grease; if batter is too thick, hushpuppies will tend to be too dry). Drop by the teaspoonful into hot grease (350°). Occasionally dip empty teaspoon into water before dipping hushpuppy batter so that batter will easily fall off of spoon. After frying, drain hushpuppies on absorbent paper.

(Courtesy of: Pollard Milling Company, 3431 N. State Hwy. 123, Hartford, Alabama 36344 - makers of Pollard's Riverbank Buttermilk Hushpuppy Mix [just add water])


12 Jul 03 - 10:25 PM (#982107)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,uncookiefiedTweed

BLUES POETRY 101



Honey Bee
Recorded 1954 by Muddy Waters


Sail on, sail on my little honey bee, sail on
Sail on, sail on my little honey bee, sail on
You gonna keep on sailing till you lose your happy home

Sail on, sail on my little honey bee, sail on
Sail on, sail on my little honey bee, sail on
I don't mind you sailing, but please don't sail so long

All right little honey bee...

I hear a lotta buzzing, sound like my little honey bee
I hear a lotta buzzing, sound like my little honey bee
She been all around the world making honey
But now she is coming back home to me


12 Jul 03 - 10:34 PM (#982111)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

This is the 700th post to this thing.


12 Jul 03 - 11:00 PM (#982120)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

This
is the 701st post to this thread. This post may go well with hushpuppies, in which sugar doesn't belong.


13 Jul 03 - 01:09 AM (#982171)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: rangeroger

Congratulations.

I do believe this has become the longest thread ever. It has bested the "Killing the Thread" thread.

rr


13 Jul 03 - 10:04 AM (#982332)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Rapaire, yore 701st post to MOAB has disturbed me so much that I have cancelled my trip to the Andes. What a concept....I can see the priveledged FatCats, their teeth filed razor sharp, harvesting and roasting trailer folk to combat the food shortage thus eliminating world poverty. There is still the problem of methane as farmers will no doubt fill the livestock's trough with cheap legumes to fatten them up for market. Po'Boy sammitch takes on a whole new meaning....
Fantastic BS. MOAB is back on track once more.


13 Jul 03 - 12:03 PM (#982372)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I notice that "Sacrifice To Moloch" has more posts than "What Do You Call Your Thingie?".

Maybe I'll start a new thread, "What do you call sacrificing your thingie to Moloch?".... Toss in a giant squid and a tavern and it might be MOAB in postings.


13 Jul 03 - 12:10 PM (#982375)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

No, I think I'll call it "Is sacrificing your giant squid's thingie to Moloch in a tavern folk music?". Then it can post above the salt....


13 Jul 03 - 01:50 PM (#982413)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Ah, I don't know what to say.


13 Jul 03 - 02:17 PM (#982424)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

No shit?


14 Jul 03 - 12:44 PM (#983045)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST

when completing an ultra-secret project is it appropriate to shriek the news to the skies - or should one just wait for others to stumble over the evidence?


14 Jul 03 - 01:31 PM (#983079)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Well, if you're the shy, retiring, modest sort like I am, you wait for folks to find the evidence and, if they don't, you just sigh deeply and know in your heart that you have done both well and good.

On the other hand, someone like MMario would probably wait a day or so and then hire the Goodyear blimp.


14 Jul 03 - 01:40 PM (#983090)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

gee - I was actually considering renting the message board in Times Square - and a 60 second spot follow 'Graham Norton'

Do you think I should really get the GoodYear Blimp?


14 Jul 03 - 02:46 PM (#983162)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

If you're close enough to Philly you rent the Liberty Bell -- the current administration will do 'most anything for money.


14 Jul 03 - 03:40 PM (#983199)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Well, I'm sufficiently confused, so he can't have been all that obvious about whatever it is...

On the other hand, I'm sufficiently confused most of the time, so maybe whatever it is you people are talking about is obvious to everyone but me.

On the other other hand, I'm sitting in a hotel in Detroit (well, actually Dearborn), working on an ultra-secret project, but I'm not going to tell any of you guys about it. Well... not yet anyway. But when I do tell you about it, I can assure you it won't have anything to do with Elvis. Well, it probably won't have anything to do with Elvis. It definitely won't have anything to do with William Shatner ...maybe.


14 Jul 03 - 04:16 PM (#983218)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Kim C

Dang. I don't have any secrets just now.

There is college money for older students - but most of the time, you have to already BE in school to get it. Which means I still have to have something up front. I have applied for a job at the college I want to attend - if I went to work there, I'd get to go Almost Free. (not quite, but Almost) They haven't called me about it, but I'm going to keep checking on their other job openings.

In the meantime, I think I'll keep pursuing the personal trainer thing I started awhile back.


14 Jul 03 - 07:33 PM (#983374)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Tribes of cannabals were getting sick and dieing and it was discovered that a certain enzyme in human meat was the culprit. When they stopped eating humans the people got healthy again.
I'll just go get myself another pork chop in a can now....


14 Jul 03 - 08:40 PM (#983426)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Oh, Reb, it's lots worse that just kuru!!


15 Jul 03 - 10:48 AM (#983764)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Dave the Gnome

I didn't know this thread had been acronymised (is there such a word?) as MOAB! Has anyone already said that Stephen Fry's autobiography is called Moab is my washpot? All makes sense now...

Cheers

DtG


15 Jul 03 - 10:48 AM (#983765)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

He wasn't being obvious, Carol, so much as oblivious...

- LH


15 Jul 03 - 04:17 PM (#983960)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

I have oblivious-ness down to a science. In fact, I probably qualify for a MoO (Master of Oblivion) or even a POB (Perfectley Oblivious Bloke)

As I have said before - you don't have to hit me over the head with a two-by-four more then five or six times.


15 Jul 03 - 04:35 PM (#983971)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

Yes, Dave the Gnome, it all does make sense. There is a pattern in Chaos, and MOAB proves it. MOAB is so universal that it encompasses all things...and all minds, though most are too preoccupied to realize it. Stephen Fry's auto-biography reveals that he too was enlightened to the power of MOAB!

Mmario, I believe that if you go back through the MOAB thread a few hundred posts, you shall see that the KihgKhandu has made Rustic Rebel the Royal POB...the Purveyor of Beauty.

One thing one must remember about MOAB...the very essence of this wonderful thread is epitomized by the Great and Virile William Shatner, as I am sure, you realize.


15 Jul 03 - 04:37 PM (#983972)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

but thespian - if I did that I wouldn't be oblivious.


15 Jul 03 - 05:14 PM (#983988)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

I'm stunned! I'm shocked! I'm, once again, totally flumoxed!

"Why?" you ask.

Well, I just this very moment returned from a trip to the Dollar General store. As I was standing in the checkout line I happened to glance at the spinner-rack of $1.00 novels and what should I see? A Star Trek novel (or maybe it was a novelization) actually written by The Shat himself! I was stunned! Little Hawk would have been stunned too. But, he would be stunned to think that the literary endeavors of W. Shatner should be held in such low regard as to be sold at "Cheap and Disposable R Us" for a meazly buck a copy! I was simply stunned to realize that some editor somewhere actually let Willy the Shat write a book!

By the way, I did not buy one of the things.


Bruce


15 Jul 03 - 06:48 PM (#984035)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

An author search at Barnes and Noble.com for "Shatner, William" brings up 66 entries, from Star Trek novels to a book on pet allergies to a book of horse photographs.

He is, indeed, a true Renaissance Man.

Now, as for indexing or otherwise attempting to grasp the content of MOAB, I suggest that it be viewed fractally, and if the fractal shape in the complex plane were extended infinitely above and below the plane as a fractal-shaped "cylinder", and treated as a wire that produces an electrical field, then the electrostatic potential for any point z0 is approximated by by appropriate equation(s) provided enough iterations (n) are done that |zn| is large. Electrostatics, of course, can in this case be viewed as four-dimensional quasi-shapes. I'm certain that, given the forgoing discussion, each of you can determine your own search algorithm. And please, don't simply say "I got algorithm, I got muzak."


15 Jul 03 - 07:00 PM (#984044)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Kim C

Yes, but can he yodel and stand on one foot at the same time?


15 Jul 03 - 07:17 PM (#984059)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

Rapaire, you have hit the nail on the head! Indeed, it is almost as though you had read a recent essay of mine, which is to be published in the October edition of "The Psuedo-Scientific Wanderings", which deals with MOAB in the exact same style that you have demonstrated today!

Bee-Dubya-Ell, you must be unfamiliar with the "WSFE" Act of 1968. It was signed into law by LBJ after before the melee of the Democratic National Convention, as a means to rekindle a sense of credibility to the National and Regional Democrats.

The "WSFE Act" (William Shatner for Everyone) insured that all people, even the poorest of families in Alabama, could have Shatner material to enjoy in their homes. It could only be done with the magnaminous generosity of Shatner, who readily gave his seal of approval. As a result of this, even to this day, Shatner material can be found at an extremely low price in Dollar Stores across North and Central America.

It is important for children to have affordable shoes, but of what use are shoes if one has no Shatner?


15 Jul 03 - 07:33 PM (#984073)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Personally, I subscribe to the Holographic MOAB Paradigm. That is to say that all of the information in the MOAB is distributed equally throughout its component parts. It is, therefore, not necessary to read the entire MOAB to understand it. If one thoroughly understands this comma, (Yes, that one. The one that came right after the word "comma".) then one will understand the entire MOAB.

Of course, such a holographic interpretation leads one to wonder why we fools continue to feed more fodder to the obviously sick beast. If the entire meaning of the MOAB can be intuited by proper consideration of the least of its components, then why add more components? Ah! But therein lies the beauty of holographic interpretation. As further posts are made, the essence of all that was posted previously is subtly altered so as to reflect the MOAB not just as it was, but as it is, and as it shall be. If You come back to that comma above in a few days you will notice that its essence has subtly changed in response to the posts that will have taken place since this one.

To paraphrase Joseph Keller:

"That's quite an interpretation, that Holographic MOAB Interpretation."

"Best one there is."


15 Jul 03 - 07:57 PM (#984089)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

God almighty, what utter BS!! You all tie for first class BSE's (BullShitExtremists) and deserve this prize I happened across accidentally while researching a cure for pore old Amos' acute anal-retentiveness.

***Fantastic Prize***

Also to GUEST Thespian, I know that you are in actuality the British socialite and crackhoe Penelope Rutledge. You fool no one, as you must know already. Unmask yoreself and step into the light!

Yerz,
Tweed
KOTROT
Duckst to Dawn


15 Jul 03 - 08:26 PM (#984114)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Penelope Rutledge

My dear misguided Tweed,

I am somewhat aghast and a bit concerned with your fixation that you have attached to me.
I am also somewhat insulted that you would even suggest that I would consider posting to such an imbecilic thread as this "Mother of all Inane" threads. Dear sir, my time is better spent with a more elite class of people than those found in this septic tank of rotting humanity.
However, I am incensed that you would suggest that I would sign in to such a debacle as a guest under an assumed name. I am quite proud of my heritage and I shall ever sign in to any and all forums under my name, Penelope Rutledge.
Perhaps, you fixation is based upon a fantasy that you have about me. Do believe me, Mr. Tweed, that if such fantasies exist, they are merely that and nothing more.
Might I suggest that upon the onset of entertaining such decadent fantasies, you quickly take a long, cold shower.
Please, if there is any understanding left in your poor deluded mind, cease to use my name and/or my person in your fantasies, and in this forum.

Penelope Rutledge


15 Jul 03 - 08:29 PM (#984116)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

Tweed, that link you gave had been given on the MOAB thread a mere two days ago! What is worse is that Amos tried to take credit for it on the "Answer for Spaw" thread earlier today. And now, you have claimed it. What's next? Will Amos invent the wheel, and will you try to usurp it?

And who the hell is "Penelope Rutledge"?


15 Jul 03 - 08:40 PM (#984122)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

But, Bee-dubya, you yourself point out that a holographic model determines past, present and future postings. Were this the case, it would be possible to use MOAB for more than mathematical determinants and/or algorithmic indices. It would be possible (to cite but two examples among many that come to mind) to find the winning lottery numbers for every lottery anywhere, or determine in advance the winner of next year's presidential election (we all KNOW who the losers will be, regardless of who wins).

But more importantly, and more to the point, is the simple fact that analysis shows conclusively that MOAB data is not evenly and randomly distributed throughout the informational matrix, such as would happen if, for example, cattle were randomly and evenly distributed in a pasture, but actually occuring in dataclumps, such as would be expected if cattle in a pasture grouped themselves together in "mini-herds" of varying sizes.

This was determined by the most rigorous imperical testing, using destructive methodologies borrowed from materials testing. The most important of these involved the seismic behavior of waves passing through dataclumps after the explosion of 2.7 kilograms of trinitrotoulene and recorded upon an EEG machine borrowed from St. Mungo's.


15 Jul 03 - 11:59 PM (#984190)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Little Hawk, I need an answer from you if you can....
Is it true dachshunds with erections can't climb stairs?

From the other POB


16 Jul 03 - 12:01 AM (#984191)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Dere Mz.Rutledge,
You just could not stay away from here could you? I submit that you entertain yore own fantasies too bizarre and corrupted to describe here in front of the other inmates, az no doubt they would become over agitated and perform very unusual acts upon yore scrawny carcass.

GUEST Thespian, please accept this peace offering that I only just now discovered on Google wholly by accident! I'm sure there's never been anything quite like it here on Mudcat.

Rapaire...you have gone insane....it was bound to happen. Once a great and intelligent mind now wallowing in this cesspool of BS. Another clump in the patty party.

And I?...I no longer even check other threads on this magnificent board of information....so great is the draw of MOAB...awful awful......syncopated algorhythms, ....HOOOOO...more meds, more Coronas...


16 Jul 03 - 08:56 AM (#984378)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Rustic, I don't know what sort of answer LH can give to your question about dachshunds, but from my own observation of one (neutered male) I can assure you that at least the head of the non-erect can suffer "rug rash" from a variety of sources. I understand also, from very recent information, that if the skin of a dachshund's penis is inadvertantly sewn into the stitches of a stomach operation the dog becomes uncomfortable and can even go off his feed.


16 Jul 03 - 09:12 AM (#984393)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I should clarify: a stomach operation on the dacshund.


16 Jul 03 - 09:13 AM (#984394)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

Rapaire - that verges on both WAY too much information and "non-BS" status!


16 Jul 03 - 10:00 AM (#984413)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Mario, I didn't mention the reason for the stomach surgery, did I? It was to implant a cup and a half of "beads" in the poor pup's stomach. These are actually a medicine being tested to see if the it can slow, or even reverse, the prostate cancer the poor little guy (15 human years old) has. (I don't know what it is, but it's not radioactive and it doesn't cause the side effects associated with chemo in humans.)

His problem was discovered when the Dept. of Veterinary Medicine at Purdue took out the stitches -- and also corrected what his owner, a quilter, called "a mis-stitch."

Actually, if you have any good thoughts to spare for a nice small dog, it'd be appreciated in Valpariso, Indiana.


16 Jul 03 - 10:16 AM (#984417)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

Poor l'il guy! (For a number of reasons!)


16 Jul 03 - 10:23 PM (#984837)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Well now Rapaire that is a bit of information I will always hold near and dear about the Dachshunds. Rug Rash. I bet that's about the only variety of animal that can claim that fame unless we can call Loooooooooong John Silver a midget with a loooooong digit,and I ain't talkin' about a finger or a toe.
But that's not the end of my tail (forgive the pun) I walked into a tavern tonight and what do you think I saw running around the bar? A wiener-dog. So I ask the bar the same question, all I got was some smirks and giggles. No answer about it climbing stairs. Goes to show how much a lover of the wiener-dog pays attention to the wiener of the wiener dog doesn't it?


16 Jul 03 - 10:25 PM (#984838)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Of coarse that's with you as an exception Rapaire.


16 Jul 03 - 10:37 PM (#984844)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

The dachshund with whom I am familiar climbs the stairs. Being neutered when he was a puppy, I'm pretty certain he has never experienced an erection. He HAS had diarrhea, though, if that counts.


16 Jul 03 - 11:04 PM (#984849)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

I suppose at this point, since the subject of discussion has turned, we should bring up the thread from a couple of years back called "Non-music; Erection" or something like that. I don't know how to make the necessary blue clicky to link to it.

Perhaps Tweed and Penelope Rutledge could read it together!


16 Jul 03 - 11:15 PM (#984861)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Here's that Erection you were looking for sir....


17 Jul 03 - 06:40 PM (#985533)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Amos, there are far far better erections here.


17 Jul 03 - 09:10 PM (#985609)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Well there is a circle of life going on here. Look who started the erection thread, non other than the Grand King himself, Khandu. Ha!


17 Jul 03 - 09:35 PM (#985617)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I called my local bakery. They refuse to decorate cakes with the following words: c*nt, c*cks*cker, sh*t (and derivatives thereof), f*ck (and derivatives thereof), bollocks (but bullochs is okay), p*nis, t*ts (and derivatives thereof), solypsism, n*gger, and the phrase "weapons of mass destruction are located here".

I think this is all quite understandable, except in the case of solypsism...I believe the problem with that word is that they're not sure what it means, but they're too insecure to admit it. No one objected to putting "William Shatner is Godlike and incredibly sexy!!!" on a cake, because let's face it...he is. This is good news for our upcoming Kirkathon Festival at the WSSBA in beautiful lakeland Orillia, where contestants will strive to win the coveted Hamlet Unleashed Award for doing the most accurate James T. Kirk dramatic impressions. The winner gets a solid gold (well, okay, brass-plated composite resin) tribble that weighs in at 35 pounds and makes a super conversation piece or doorstop.

- LH


17 Jul 03 - 10:36 PM (#985648)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

I just saw Willian Shatner stared in a movie called the Babysitter. The babysitter took over his family, that's about all I caught about the movie. It looked like a B rate but I guess that might seem impossible that William would be in a B rate wouldn't it?


18 Jul 03 - 08:55 AM (#985878)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

"I just saw Willian Shatner stared in a movie called the Babysitter."

Yeah, that's his strongest trait as an actor.


18 Jul 03 - 10:05 AM (#985922)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Actually, he frequently has appeared in "B" movies. Even "C" movies. And there is a reason for it. Bill is a Man of great compassion. Because of this he lends his incredible acting talents to lacklustre movies that would otherwise have no redeeming features whatsoever. It's an act of spontaneous generosity from a Man who can basically pick any part he wants any time he wants. For similar reasons he has done various tacky TV ads for grocery chains and so on. He doesn't have to, he just can't resist helping the lame ducks in this world, that's all. What a Man, eh?

(this oughta drive MMario nuts... :-)

- LH


20 Jul 03 - 07:11 PM (#987186)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I mean if he ever reads it, that is....

- LH


20 Jul 03 - 07:20 PM (#987191)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

LH:

Just so you know, and as a reflection on the basic nature of the thing, "solipsism" contains no "why". Nor any "y", anyway. True solipsists always know why.


Function:       noun
Etymology:       Latin solus alone + ipse self
Date:       1874
: a theory holding that the self can know nothing but its own modifications and that the self is the only existent thing


(Merriam-Webster on-line dictionary)

Regards,


A


20 Jul 03 - 11:15 PM (#987248)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Yeah, Amos. Since you didn't exist it was necessary for me to invent you. And you. And you, and you, and you, and you, and you waaaaaaaaaaay over there.

You will all thank me later for your continued existence.


22 Jul 03 - 10:43 PM (#988525)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

Have you ever considered cows as symbols of lush sexuality?

I dream of cows quite often. In fact, in my dreams I often have an
entourage of cows. They act as any entourage, following me about as I do whatever the dream commands. They are never obtrusive, (don't you just hate obtrusive cows?) they remain in the background following me.

I believe the "cow-entourage" dreams are an omen, hinting at the
greatness of my destiny. Would you not agree?

Robert Johnson dreamed that the hounds of hell followed him. Cows are
better.


22 Jul 03 - 11:16 PM (#988545)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

You're going to be hamburger? Somebody will hook you up to a milking machine?

Actually, the significance of the dream is udderly dependant upon the type of cows. Frisians? Herfords? Jerseys? Welsh Black? Limousines? Santa Gertrudis? Guernseys?

A neighbor dreamt of cows following her, a herd of sixteen Jersey cows and one calf. A week later she won the state lottery was far wealthier than before. On the other hand, she then dreamt of a herd of sixteen Black Angus cows and one calf following her in exactly the same way, and lost every cent she won in the lottery when the stock market took a dive. She now lives in a cardboard box. (Not that she has to, she has a very nice house, actually. She just prefers a cardboard box.)

As for lush sexuality, ah, no, I don't think that it's my place to discuss that, no, nope.


22 Jul 03 - 11:48 PM (#988553)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

My entourage of cows is a motley bunch. There is not one pure-bred in the lot. They are a mixture of all kinds, perhaps you could call them "curs".
Some of them look a bit inbred...got a crazy look in their eyes and they do drool a bit. One stutters when she tries to moo.

Hmmmmm...they remind me somewhat of my in-laws.


22 Jul 03 - 11:56 PM (#988559)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I do hate to tell you this, but I'm afraid that you're suffering from the Curs of the Cows.


23 Jul 03 - 12:16 AM (#988570)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

My God, NO!!

Is this similar to the hex of the heifers?


23 Jul 03 - 08:55 AM (#988721)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Yes. But there is good news, because the Heifer Hex can be cured by Preparation H (that's why it's called that). Drink it dissolved in freshly obtained milk, three big glasses with every meal, while reciting the ingredients list from Macbeth (wool of frog, etc.). And enjoy your meals.


23 Jul 03 - 05:19 PM (#989099)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I don't think I have ever had a dream with cows in it. What does this mean? I do have dreams with dachshunds sometimes, but I also actually have dachshunds, so there you go. My encounters with cows have been fairly limited in this life. I agree that they are generally unobtrusive, which is good, but they are no good at solving math problems.

- LH


23 Jul 03 - 06:07 PM (#989131)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

I had a mule that could count. I could feed him some corn and then ask him how many ears he had eaten. He would raise his tail and say, "phew".

Cows are good. They have pleasant personalities. They never conspire against humanity. Ocassionally, if they do not know anyone is around, you may catch them chortling among themselves. They are basically good-humored beings.

Dreams with cows in them are generally positive dreams. They often symbolize abundance.

Even the word "impecunious", which means "having no money", is born of a word "pecu" which means "Cattle" or "cows". Therefore to be without cows is to be "impecunious".

To have an entourage of cows in one's dream must mean something very positive.

I am positive.


23 Jul 03 - 11:41 PM (#989324)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

That reminds me about the guy who always wanted a blue-faced mule. Best mules in the world, he said. And one day he bought one!

He couldn't believe his luck, but it was true, and he invited all of his friends out to the farm to see this paragon of mulehood. He trotted off to the barn to bring it out for admiration.

He bridled the mule, and just as he led it out of the doors and into the sunlight, the mule sat down, crossed its eyes, and wouldn't move a lick. Nothing the man could do could get that mule to move. Frustrated, the man called the veterinarian.

The vet came out, looked the situation over, and walloped the mule between the ears with a club. Then he took a peice of hose, stuck it up the mule's rectum, and gave a good, hard blow.

The mule popped right up, ready and rarin' to go. The farmer paid the vet, who got into his car and drove away. When the farmer returned from seeing the vet off, there was the mule, sitting down, cross-eyed, not moving a lick.

But the farmer knew now what to do! He got a club and a length of hose, clouted the mule between the ears, shoved the hose up the mules fundament, and blew long and hard into the hose.

Nothing happened. The farmer did it again and again, but no luck.

Frustrated, he called the vet again. And when the vet arrived, the farmer told the vet everything he'd done, and that everything had failed.

The vet picked up the club and rang the mule's chimes. Then he yanked out the hose, turned it around, reinserted it, and gave a might CHUFF! of a blow.

And the mule stood up, ready to go.

Seeing this, the farmer said to the vet, "I understand what I did wrong. I gave a long, soft blow into the hose, and not a quick, hard puff. But tell me, why did you reverse the hose? One end's pretty much like the other."

"Ah!" responded the vet. "You certainly wouldn't want me to put my mouth where yours had been, would you?"


24 Jul 03 - 12:08 PM (#989650)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO

Here's that story in poem form, from Blue The Shearer:


THE CROSS-EYED BULL

Did I ever tell you blokes about the cross-eyed bull I'd bought?
I couldn't put it in the shows. At least, that's what I thought.
And then I meet this bloke. He says: "I'd like to take a look.
Those eyes aren't bad. Ring up the vet. His number's in the book.

Although I don't have too much faith, I ring him up that day.
I say: "Me bull's got cross-eyes. Can you get out right away?"
So out he comes. He looks. He thinks. Takes this tube of glass.
Walks round to the bull's backside, and shoves it up   
                   that hole just under the tail.

Then he takes a mighty breath. He blows. He puffs. He sucks.
The eyes rotate. They straighten up. The vet says: "Fifty bucks."
'Fifty bloody bucks.' I think. 'Now there's a tidy sum.
Just for half-a-minute's work. Blowing up some piece of glass tubing.'

Still and all, I pay the vet. He's straightened out the eyes.
I take me bull to Sydney Show, and win a major prize.
I cart him round the bush a bit. We're doing well, and then.   
I have to take him home because his eyes are crossed again.

This time, no vet. I know the drill. I'll save meself some dough.
I get me tube, and shove it in, and I begin to blow.
I blow and puff and puff and blow. Still the eyes stay crossed.
I'm forced to ring that bloody vet and mourn the dough I've lost.

And out he comes. A very knowing smile upon his face.
He knows I've tried to fix me bull. I've left the tube in place.
He grasps the tube. Reverses it. Gives one tremendous puff.
I see the eyes rotate again, and straighten, sure enough.

I pay the vet, and say to him: "Look. Just before you go.
Don't tell me the secret's knowing in which end to blow?"
"No mate." He says. "You can blow from North, East, West or South.
But you didn't think I'd use the end, that you've had in your mouth?"

BLUE - the shearer.         (copyright col wilson)


24 Jul 03 - 02:50 PM (#989818)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

So last night, we bought a travel trailer from Bill Clinton. I didn't have a chance to get my picture taken with him. It's a really nice trailer. We're picking it up on Saturday.


25 Jul 03 - 01:08 AM (#990182)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

That is really cool, Carol! The only thing that could possibly be cooler would be to buy one from Bill Shatner. How is Bill (Clinton) looking these days? Is he in good spirits?

- LH


25 Jul 03 - 08:52 AM (#990351)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

He seems to be doing pretty well, LH. He just bought a new house and was a bit frazzled from picking out the carpeting for it just before he sold us the trailer. He's a busy guy. He says he sells quite a lot of trailers and motor homes, and they're making him the manager of one of the new showrooms for the RV place where he works.

Some other presidential (or quasi-presidential) news... as we were on our way to the RV place yesterday afternoon to have the trailer hitch put on our van, we saw something that looked really weird. There were what looked like hundreds of police officers hanging around the parking lot of one of the buildings about a block from our hotel. And there were dozens of police motorcycles all lined up in the parking lot, and police cars all over the place. Some of them were parked around the perimeter of the parking area, and one of them was parked up in the grass on a hill, between a couple of trees. At first I thought it was a speed trap and I laughed about what a funny place it was to put a speed trap. And I was hearing military helicopters all day long yesterday.

JtS just called a few minutes ago. He said all that hullabaloo was a $400 a plate dinner (campaign fundraiser) old GWB was having there in that building. I think they had the entire Detroit/Dearborn area police departments there in that parking lot. I bet nobody brought any of that $400 a plate food out to them.


25 Jul 03 - 05:02 PM (#990718)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Well, gosh, who wouldn't pay $400 to get to eat a meal in the company of George W. Bush? Umm.... (deafening silence...)

Do I have any takers for $250? No? Didn't think so.

How about 50 cents and a young Republicans button from '68 saying: "Nixon's the One!"

Look, don't all speak at once, okay?

- H


26 Jul 03 - 01:56 PM (#991143)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Boab D

I couldn't see this wee one go to the bottom of the page wherre it was all lonely so 'I thought that I should put it back to the top as it looks much better there dont you think. I havent read it yet cos it wouls take all night so I 'll leave you for the now.
How did Clinton manage to get a job selling things? but then again he's a more honest liar than bush
Dylan


26 Jul 03 - 07:40 PM (#991234)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

He's more appealing in a number of respects, I think...

- LH


26 Jul 03 - 11:25 PM (#991311)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Recycle the old poster, put George III's face over Nixon's:

"Would you buy a used war from this man?"

But I don't want this to get political.


27 Jul 03 - 02:40 AM (#991358)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST

Politics is bad and I only want to have good things
like Haagen daas rum and raisin ice cream, oh how nice is that, but I dont think that they mak it any more in the UK. My local pictures used to sell it in a nice wee tub with a spoon and a serviette but no longer how m I going to cope with the absence of my date and the only one who ever took the time to accompany me to the pictures
Dylan


27 Jul 03 - 12:36 PM (#991485)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I don't know what to advise, Dylan. I usually go to movies alone, by choice, because it's actually watching the movie that is my main motivation for going. But I didn't feel that way when I was 22!!! The last movie I went to was with a friend of mine, and that was okay, but like I said I usually go alone to them. I really concentrate hard when I'm watching a movie, and try to immerse myself completely in the alternate reality...providing the movie is a good enough one that I would want to. Such movies can be a bit scarce at times.


27 Jul 03 - 01:08 PM (#991509)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Politics isn't bad, but all too often the players are corrupt. Politics is like etiquette, just a way for folks to get along. When someone doesn't want to get along, and that person isn't the best sort anyway, politics gets a bad name.


27 Jul 03 - 06:06 PM (#991606)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

Politics is not bad, but most politicians are. Movies are not bad, but many plots and actors are. Going to a movie alone is not bad, but going to a movie with a cow-entourage can be, especially if you are charged a ticket for each cow. Also, cows seem to have no social graces in a theatre. They moo without consideration of the other mivie goers. They chortle out loud at inappropriate times. And, usually, there is one in the entourage that has seen the movie before and tells you what is going to happen next.

And there is the infamous Cow in Red that did Dillinger in.


27 Jul 03 - 06:06 PM (#991607)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Yes, but how many Polish sausages can one fit into a Volvo?


27 Jul 03 - 08:29 PM (#991666)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

Is that "Volvo" or did you mean "vulva"?


27 Jul 03 - 09:41 PM (#991699)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Now that would be right up Clintons line wouldn't it, oh wait that was cigars wasn't it?


27 Jul 03 - 10:30 PM (#991713)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

There ya go...sticking politics back into it...no....wait, uh...that was sausages, wasn't it?


29 Jul 03 - 10:10 PM (#992995)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

I suppose it would be proper of me to explain my fascination of cheese. I know it has been discussed among many of you out of my hearing. It certainly is not something polite folk would discuss publicly, within my hearing. I am thankful that the people with whom I have to do are "polite" folk.
Perhaps "fascination" is not the proper word. I know some of you have used the word "obsession". Some have called it a "fixation", even a "mania". Some of the more prurient among you have said "fetish".
Call it what you will...I prefer "fascination".
As years have passed, I have become more aware that my fascination has intruded into the lives of my friends and loved ones. I have become sensitive to the odd looks that cross the faces of those to whom I am enjoying a conversation, when I suddenly interject a statement which has no bearing to the aforementioned conversation, and the statement is usually something like "Doesn't the thought of lying naked in a bed of shredded Gouda make you feel like a King of some obscure and poor country that suffers under the reign of you who spend all the country's money on cheese?"
Yea...I have caught those looks. I have gone home, distressed that my fascination has been thrust upon those innocent folk who have no such fascination for the wonderful glories of cheese.
However, here I must admit...the distress lasts but a few moments, because something deep within me rears its proud head and says...nay,...shouts "THEY ARE FOOLS! BLINDED BY SOCIAL MORES INTO REFUSING TO SEE THE WONDERFUL GLORIES OF CHEESE!!! FOOLS ALL!!!! LET THEM BE BLIND!!! I, YES, I SHALL NONETHELESS REVEL IN MY AWARENESS AND THE GLORIOUS WONDERS OF CHEESE!!!"
Then I sit quietly and watch a bit of TV, hoping for a Kraft commercial, and fall into wonderful slumber and dream about my entourage of cows being milked for cheese production.
Life is good.


29 Jul 03 - 10:40 PM (#993013)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

So, am I kinky because I like chevre and roquefort?


30 Jul 03 - 06:26 AM (#993203)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

"Doesn't the thought of lying naked in a bed of shredded Gouda make you feel like a King of some obscure and poor country that suffers under the reign of you who spend all the country's money on cheese?"

Dammit, this Guest Thespian's bizarre thought patterns remind me of some other madcatter with royal delusions. I am digging out the straight jacket of many colors and putting a new spark plug in the generator so it will be at the ready for emergency electro-therapy should my suspicions prove correct and his Lordship's condition worsens.

Tweed
KOTROT


30 Jul 03 - 12:29 PM (#993484)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

Let us see...is the previous post placed there by the same Tweed who thinks every "Guest" post is actually Penelope Rutledge assuming another name? Is this same Tweed now shifting his attention from Penelope to the long-since-heard-from King Khandu?

Who will be next on his list? Max...Joe Offer...Rustic rebel, etc.?

I have grown concerned with Tweed's mental state. Perhaps, the spark plug should be checked on the generator, not for the departed King of Mississippi, but for Tweed.

Of course, it is also apparent that Tweed is not appreciative of the wonderful glories of cheese. Therefore, his whole perspective on all things is in question.

Tweed and his ilk are to be pitied...and watched carefully!!!


30 Jul 03 - 02:29 PM (#993590)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Dead Horse

I positively refuse to post to this thread, even though it will be post No800.
So there!


30 Jul 03 - 02:30 PM (#993595)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Dead Horse

P.S.
Anybody know a good maths tutor?


30 Jul 03 - 06:55 PM (#993777)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

HAW!! Thespian! Nobody mentioned the name of KHANDU!! Perhaps I was thinking of some other Monarch of a poor nation where the subjects are taxed insensible and are forcefed cheezwhiz while their head of state sups on bricks of brie. Yes, of course there are many who fit that bill here in Mudcat. Khandu? HAW! Yore assumption iz groundless. His Royal Visage had never entered my mind in connection with your masked performances, as he is by far more crafty and insidious in developing BS for this thread. Cheese would never enter his mind and as for the entourage of cows? Phhawww! Three legged llamas perhaps, but not cows. No, I knew KingKhandu and you are no Khandu. He has more BS than any one.
He is truly the King of all BullShit.
Long may He Reign!

HUZZAH, HUZZAH, HUZZAHHHHHH..


Yerz,
Tweed
Dauphin de Panola


30 Jul 03 - 09:50 PM (#993874)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

Forgive my error, Penelope, er...Tweed. I am dismayed that I was so obtuse when I posted my previous message. Now that you have clarified things for me, I cannot see how I could have made such a mistake! As you say,"there are many who fit that bill here in Mudcat".

Yeah.

By the by, where is your King of All BS? Is he even alive? It has been almost three hundred post since he was last heard from. Someone should hold him accountable for all this mess he created!


30 Jul 03 - 10:10 PM (#993884)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bubba Bubba

Hi! King Khandu's here with me. He's been teachin' me all sorts of tricks. Debbie Earl is jealous, I think. *giggle*

I'll tell you,
Khandu can do.

Why, glory be, I think I've started writin' me another l'il ol' song! Khandu you cut that out right now, or I'm gonna


30 Jul 03 - 11:09 PM (#993912)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

YEEEEEHAAAAW!!!!

THE MOAB RIDES AGAIN!!!!


Cheese? Who gives a rat's ass about cheese? Cows? Whafuck with the cows? We want BULLS! Can't have BULLSHIT without BULLS!

"But mommy, bulls is mean and nasty and dangerous!" you say! I say, "Hah!" to that. If yer really scared of bulls, get them mothers clipped and replaced their natural equipment with NEUTICLES! Works real good fer keepin' mushroom huntin' hippies outta yer cow pasture. They ain't gonna get close enuff to ole Toro to wonder whether that big ole sack of nuts is the real thing or just plastic!


Thank you for yer support,

BWL KOT LSMFT QRSTUV BFD


30 Jul 03 - 11:27 PM (#993927)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Where is KingKhandu you ask GUEST THESPIAN? Yes it the same question is on the minds of thousands worldwide. I am only a voice in the Everglades but even now He is gathering his armies and laying up vast storehouses of Bullshit in preparation for an onslaught of biblical proportions. Shatner will be shat out, cows will tremble, women will slather themselves with wrinkle remover, grown men will stuff suppostitories in their nostrils and weep at the Return of the King of all Bullshit.

Tweed
KOTROT Duc de Mallard

P.S. BeeDub, does your latest title BFD stand for what I think it does? HAW, good one!


31 Jul 03 - 12:16 AM (#993947)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

BFD?
Bloody farting dude- no that would be Spaw.
Bed fed Druid, I don't think so, but could be.
Burnt out Fed., that could explain where all the mushrooms went to.
Big Foot's Dad, he is kinda hairy.

Hell I don't know what it means, so big fucking deal anyway.


31 Jul 03 - 08:13 AM (#994088)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Debbie Earl

Where the hell is that goddamn Khandon't? He's off with Bubba Bubba somewhere, I know he is and when I catch em togedder I'm gonna reach rite down that louse covered peice of scab's throat, grab aholt of his toes, pull strate up and turn that outhouse fillin inside out. Then I'm gonna hurt him bad. Any body that does that with Bubba Bubba, teachin' her all those things, why never in all my life have I ever even thought about some of those things an I was pertecting lil BB an when I ketch him I'm gonna teach him bout nonvilence, you bet your arsy-darsy, Daisy.

You go on now an tell him I'm lookin for him.

Sides, BB is too young. She's jist under four thousand, an he's guilty of all sorts of shit.

Gonna tie one of his arms to a tree and pull on the other one til it's as stretched as it'll go. Then I'm gonna let go and watch him bounce back.


01 Aug 03 - 12:09 AM (#994752)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

I HAVE RETURNED!!!!

I had planned to be gone one more month, but I remembered...
THIS IS JOE OFFER'S BIRTHMONTH!!!!
I had to return to give Joe my best wishes.
And, to my surprise, there...falling to the bottom of the board was

THE MOAB THREAD!!!



Still alive and well!!!!

I am soooo happy that my fellow BSers have continued the wonderful Mudcat Tradition of 99.99% undefiled Bullshat!!!
What a wonderful bunch a guys and gals you are!
{~~~sniff~~~sob~~~}
They say Love makes the world go round, but I say BS runs a close second!
What's all this cow entourage and cheese crap? That ain't BS...that is perverted stupidity! Who is Thespian and who let him in???

Each of you regular contributors to this thread are hereby granted place in my Royal Advisory!!!!

What a wonderful bunch of BSers you are!

King khandu


01 Aug 03 - 12:57 AM (#994769)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Yes folkhs, Khing khandu joins the illustrious rankhs of Jesus Khrist and Freddy Khruger. Just khan't seem to khill the sumbitch off.

Hi, Khenny. Been pickhin' much?


01 Aug 03 - 01:01 AM (#994771)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge

Well, well. The King has returned! How nice. After all, what is a kingdom without a king? Even a kingdom of utter nonsense requires a monarch to give it a sense of disorder and instability. Welcome back, Khandu!

Now I wish to address myself to a certain bit of rubbish that has been making the rounds here, namely that I have been posting under various other names...such as Tweed, for one. This is not so. I never post under aliases and would not be caught dead posting as "Tweed". Tweed is a puerile idiot who seldom if ever has anything useful to say.

As one might expect, he loves this thread! What more need I say?

* PR


01 Aug 03 - 08:55 AM (#994947)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Debbie Earl

Miz Penylopy, I never saw you afore now an youre, yor, yur just a purdy as a sack of new puppys aforen they tak their furst pee! I never saw nobody like you befor, not even ol Bubba Bubba's mother, who wuz 1 gud lookin thing, lemme tell yu. Miz P (iffen I may be so bold as to address yu familur like), may I offer yu the purtekshun of my strong arms and the shield of my own body? An to show that my intenshuns are onorable I'll wear pants, even tho they do cramp me up some in the krotch. Why, yur purdier than even Bubba Bubba, Miz P, yor purdier than the roses blumin behind the outhous, an thats some purdy, Miz P.


01 Aug 03 - 09:10 AM (#994965)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Penelope:

I believe, as long as we are "clearing the air". so to speak, that you might be a bit more candid on the topic of your instantaneous damping reaction whenever Tweed's name is mentioned, and the fact that you would be entirely at his whim should he so much as glance cross-eyed or think a salacious thought in your general direction! And -- should you purasue this recommended course -- do include the observation that you have been in this quivering, helpless condition of degenerate desuetude for a number of years now!!

A


01 Aug 03 - 10:50 AM (#995027)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Kim C

I like cheese, and ice cream. Not necessarily together. It's rare that I meet a dairy product I don't like. Once in awile there's a cheese that throws me for a loop. I once bought a soft cheese, similar to brie, that surely was rotten. It had to be. It was the nastiest thing I'd ever smelled or tasted. It started with an R but I don't remember the name of it now. I figured it was worth $3 to find out.

Mudcatter Mad Maudlin recommended to me a German cheese called Harzer. She warned me that it smelled rather fragrant. I didn't care much for it either, but once again, it was worth $3 to find out.

My friend Craddock has a thing for smelly cheese. He is especially fond of Stilton, and has it out almost every time we go to his house. I can take it in small doses. I found a Stilton with cranberries once, though, and that was fabulous. The berries gave it a sweeter flavor.

Me, I like Gorgonzola on a salad, with some walnuts. Yummmmmm. And feta. I will make a complete ass of myself over feta cheese. Especially if it's accompanied by a little dish of Greek olives.

And chevre is excellent. It's really swell this way: Buy you one of them frozen 4-cheese pizzas, a pack of chevre (crumbled if you can find it), sun-dried tomatoes, and artichoke hearts. Then go fix up that pizza. You can turn it into a Greek pizza if you use feta instead of chevre, and add some olives.

Rum Raisin is my favorite Haagen-Dazs too, but they had another one years ago that I really liked, that they don't make anymore. Raspberry sorbet swirled with vanilla ice cream. So nowadays I just buy raspberry sorbet, and vanilla ice cream, and have a scoop of each. It isn't quite the same, but it will do.

I am now convinced that Khandu is a god, since he lives in Mississippi.


02 Aug 03 - 10:55 AM (#995547)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

My God! Texas and Mississipi just got vaporized!!! I saw it on CNN!

No...wait...this is the wrong thread...

Dreadfully sorry, folks. Please disregard that bulletin.

- LH


02 Aug 03 - 05:34 PM (#995650)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge

Don't try to teach your grandmother how to cheat at bingo, Amos. My little feud with Tweed does go back a long way, but he started it!

And the only thing that is in a quivering, helpless condition of degenerate desuetude around here is the judiciary's moral authority over preening, posturing, licentious, tippling, invertebrate scoundrels who imagine themselves to be pillars of art and society when they should be cooling their heels in a dank prison cell.

Well, yes, and certain little hopeful male parts too...lurking in the wings here and there imagining glorious conquests. But I won't elaborate on that. It would be much ado about almost nothing, I can assure you.

Speaking of which, I see that I have another hillbilly admirer. Thank God the Ozarks are so far from Twillingsgate! I am a little puzzled as to whether "Debbie Earl" is male or female, but I am assuming male, as females are seldom quite that stupid...although with enough inbreeding I suppose anything is possible!

I think it's really Bobert trying to be funny. No one would name a child "Debbie Earl".

* PR


02 Aug 03 - 06:00 PM (#995661)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Boy, oh, boy! The

Joe Offer Festivities

are in full swing down here in Mississippi! The Guinness is flowing like the Mighty River; the Royal Lucky Wife, Cheryl, is dancing around with her pasties and tassels, being backed up by the Royal Dancing Tarts! The Royal Forkers are keeping time with their trowels and swords! Tinker, the Royal Rat Terrorist, is howling in harmony with the Howling Wolf LPs playing on the Royal HiFi! The beautiful fragrance of kerosene wafts through the village. And once an hour, on the hour, the entire populace shouts;

HAPPY


BIRTHMONTH,


JOE OFFER!!



And the best thing about all this is THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING!!!
We have thirty more days left!!!


Man!!! This is the

BEST OF TIMES!!!!



Ain't Life Grand??!!

khandu


02 Aug 03 - 06:05 PM (#995664)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Oh no.


02 Aug 03 - 07:39 PM (#995695)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

If you wonder where, then you ain't there! Mississippi is the place to be!!!!!

The joint is a'jumpin!!

Kk


02 Aug 03 - 07:40 PM (#995697)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Hey!

800 posts of undefiled BS!!!



Kk


02 Aug 03 - 07:49 PM (#995699)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

You don't know the meaning of shame, do you? :-)

- LH


02 Aug 03 - 08:01 PM (#995703)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: lazy f

aaaawww, he knows the meanin, just aint got none!


02 Aug 03 - 08:06 PM (#995704)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Kim C

I would like to point out, I have had a strange 24 hours.

Last night, I was up late, as is often my habit on Fridays, and just before I turned off the tube, I saw twin midgets on an infomercial for some get-rich-quick real estate scheme. Twin midgets. Selling a real estate scheme. I thought, did I just see that?

And this afternoon, Mister and I went to the Chinese buffet. It is in a largely Hispanic part of town, so many of the other patrons were, understandably, Hispanic. I listened closely to the music on the stereo system, and it was..... Silver Bells. Christmas music. I'm at a Chinese buffet, surrounded by people speaking Spanish, listening to Christmas music. I thought Peter Funt might jump out at any second.

My fortune said, "You will soon be sitting on top of the world." I said to Mister, that probably means I'll trip coming down the stairs, and land on top of the globe in the hallway.

What else can possibly happen?


02 Aug 03 - 08:21 PM (#995709)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Kim C...all this strangeness was planned!!! Yes, it is true!

In a previous post, you referred to me, khandu, as a god. Well, I am not a god, I am a King and I am a religion in some parts of the world, but not a god.

So the Big Guy read your post and said to Himself, "Hmmmm, so Kim C thinks King khandu is a god. I think I'll do something to get her attention." That's what he said to Himself.

Twas in the Spring one sunny day
My true love left me, she went away.
And now she's gone, but I ain't worried
And I'm Sitting on top of the world


Ever belly dance to that tune??

Kk


02 Aug 03 - 09:36 PM (#995727)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Debbie Earl


02 Aug 03 - 09:49 PM (#995734)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Debbie Earl

Miz Penylopy, I went an made a goof an prest the rong key by miztak. I kin only say that I wuz blindid by yor beuty. Yu said I wuz a hillbilly but I aint. I ust to be an Inforcer for the Galaktik Overlard, but me an Bubba Bubba landed here under orders of the GO to twist Kandu an maybe Twed intu little peeces of chiken poop only we foun The Blues an went to Nashvil where I made sum muzik and Bubba Bubba was all drest in tight jenes an a t shirt whil she (she decidet to be feemal cuz before we didnt hav a sex or sex lik there iz here on Urth an ov course we didnt look much lik folks here) sung. Natchurly I am male cuz BB iz femal. I went intu a mall tother day an sum femals said I luked like the "yung Elfis only with mussles" which I tuk to be a compliment. Anyway now yu no what I luk like. I lik romantik stuf lik I am shur yu do an I lik everthin abot yu even yur bald spot which iz cute. I lik everythin about this plas except thes pantz I got to wer cuz they are way to tite in the crotch.

Miz P, I shur wud like to tak yu out to dinner sum nite an maybe a sho after words. Plez say the wurds that wil give me hope that my attenshunz are hopefull.

Yur freind
Debbie Earl


02 Aug 03 - 10:17 PM (#995743)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Here in idaho, we
started partying in
honor of joe offer’s
nativity yesterday.
There have been 340
arrests for rowdyism,
drunkeness, and
assorted general
lewdness so far. This
will continue until the
roundup brings the cows
home. We’re collecting
potatoes and lentils for
joe, too – the biggest
crops in the great state
of Idaho!! Ain’t nothing
too good for joe!!!


02 Aug 03 - 10:33 PM (#995752)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

YESSS!!!!!


Rapaire! I am sure proud Idaho is celebrating the

JOE OFFER BIRTHMONTH BASH!!!


along with us Mississippians!!

The only reason there have been no arrest here is because I am King, and I am the one who authorized the party!
But, believe me...there has definitely been a high degree of rowdyism,
drunkeness, and assorted general lewdness, with the Royal Queen, my Lucky Wife, Cheryl, leading the pack!

Yes, this is

HIGH FESTIVAL TIME

in Mississippi...all in honor of

Joe Offer

during his BIRTHMONTH!!!

What a Grand Time to be ALIVE in MISSISSIPPI and IDAHO!!!

Perhaps more states and countries will be checking in soon!

Kk


02 Aug 03 - 10:47 PM (#995756)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Whooooooppppppsss!!!!!!There went what little was left of the Queen's dignity...but what the hell...it is

JOE OFFER'S BIRTHMONTH!!!



(Uh...honey, I didn't know you had a tattoo there!!!)


Kk


02 Aug 03 - 11:27 PM (#995780)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Aw-ight dammit! Tha's enuffa thet Joe Offer's Birfday shit pollutin' up th' MOAB. Ah dun wrote th' fucker a nice pome on thet uther thred. Tha's all I'm gonna do. Tha's enuff. An' I'm shore Joe wu'd agree. Anyways, I don' like th' sumbitch enuff t' do any more'n that. An I think th' feelin's mootchual. Sorry, but if you gotta problem wiffit you kin jus' kiss my ass. An' once aginn, I'm shore Joe wu'd agree. Ya'll kin celbrate all you wanna in Mizzippi an' Idaho. Down here in Floribama, we'z goin' fishin' insted.


03 Aug 03 - 12:03 AM (#995790)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Think about it...What if Joe Offer had never been born.....


Dang, that is a scary thought!

Kk


03 Aug 03 - 12:49 AM (#995796)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Kim C

I haven't belly danced to bluegrass yet, but I did get busted dancing in the deli at the grocery store awhile back. ;-)

Here's a birthday shimmy for Joe. (shimmyshimmy)


03 Aug 03 - 12:51 AM (#995797)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

A deli-belly dance!!! WOW!!! And you seem so pious!

Kk


03 Aug 03 - 04:52 AM (#995837)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Dead Horse

A Navel Display!
Goshdarnit!
I didnt get nuthing like that fer MY birthday.
(slopes off, muttering about how life is so unfair)


03 Aug 03 - 10:17 AM (#995904)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

There's a song in that somewhere, I am sure....Deli-Belly!! Deli-Belly!! Hmmmm. And a one....


A


03 Aug 03 - 11:29 AM (#995935)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Isn't that a disease one gets while traveling in India?


03 Aug 03 - 01:18 PM (#995973)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Groan.

A


03 Aug 03 - 07:36 PM (#996123)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Busted fer belly dancin' in th' deli, huh? What happened? The salami call the cops?

Reminds me of the time my wife's ex-husband got busted for indecent exposure in the grocery store. He had recently returned from a trip to India and had taken to wearing Gandhi-style breechcloths. He wore one into the local grocery and the manager called the cops. Now, this breechcloth covered at least as much of Bill as a typical pair of swimtrunks, but the cops wouldn't hear any of it so off to jail he went.   He spent the night in the pokey and was taken before the judge for arraignment the next morning. During the night Bill had unwound the breechcloth, which was actually a number of yards of fabric, and fashioned it into a reasonable facsimile of pants and shirt. When the judge asked him what he had been wearing at the time he was arrested Bill said, "Exactly what I'm wearing now. No more and no less." The judge said that he didn't see what the problem was and threw the charges out.


03 Aug 03 - 10:59 PM (#996199)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Seein' as how this is the MOAB, and seein' as how the veracity level fluctuates, let me tell you about my old buddy Pete.

Pete played the banjo, which is in itself a sign of impending something or other. And while he wasn't a bad banjo player, let's just say that if they were keepin' score the banjo would usually win, usually bein' three times out of three.

Then one day ol' Pete got himself a gig. A real, paying-cash-money-so-you-can-report-whatever-amount-you-like-to-the-IRS sort of gig. And at a hundred bucks plus dinner and drinks for an evenin's work, Pete thought it was pretty good.

Gave Pete a bit of a swelled head. He took to callin' himself things like "Doc" Pete and "Lonesome" Pete and such, because he thought that they added something to his banjo pickin'. He also took to wearin' Oshkosh overalls and clodhopper work boots, because he felt that was more "banjo-y" than blue jeans, a work shirt, and sneakers. Pete was startin' to look at the Stars, thinkin' that this was just the beginnin', that (dare I say it?) someday he might even be on "Barn Dance" or "The Grand Old Opry."

Then he got the contract in the mail. He was to play at a place called "Shady Acres Club", giving a nice 90 minute concert of traditional banjo music to a private gathering there.

That was fine with Pete. And as the day of the concert drew nearer, ol' Pete was practicin' every moment he could get, and that was sometimes hard to do since Pete worked at the sewage treatment plant.

Pete drove out to the Shady Acres Club on the day, or rather evening, of the concert. He was a little surprised by the wall around the place and the wrought-iron gate, but it was, after all, a private club. Sort of a high-toned country club, he figgered.

At the gatehouse a naked man stopped him. This was unusual, because Pete had never stopped before for a naked man. (Why I can vouch for the truth of this statement is another, and somewhat sordid, story.)

The naked man invited Pete to state his business, and when he learned that Pete was the entertainment for the evening he invited him to leave his clothes in a locker at the gatehouse. Nobody, least of all his friends and acquaintances, thought to mention to Pete that Shady Acres was a nudist club, and the contract didn't state it. The contract did, however, make it clear that Pete was to "abide by the rules and regulations of the Shady Acres Club" and that meant, the gatekeeper pointed out pointedly, performing in somewhat less than deshabille.

Pete was ready to do anything, almost, for Fame and Fortune, and so he cast his doubts (along with his overalls and the rest of his clothes) to the wind, so to speak. When he was undressed and ready to perform, the gatekeeper took Pete and his banjo up to the clubhouse in a little golf cart type of thing. Pete kept his banjo case placed strategically during the journey, and during the walk to the hall, and while he was waiting in the wings, and during his intro, and while he walked on stage. He sat on a stool, carefully took the banjo out of the case, placed it carefully in his hands and lap, and looked up.

There were about 200 naked people looking at him. Naked people of all ages, shapes, sizes, and sexes. 200. Naked. People.

Pete gulped and shifted a bit on the stool. He cleared his throat to make his first statement to the audience, and in a high falsetto said something like "Hll o   ladiesan gen men my first Rocky Top."

And he laid into his rendition of "Rocky Top." Now, this was his strong peice. He'd been playin' it for ten years or more and he could hammer it out like a house a-fire. Usually, that is.

But right in the front row, naked as a jay bird, Pete had seen his old flame, Rita. The last time he'd seen her like that was when she'd sent him off to the Army with a real "Soldier's Farewell" that had thwarted the saltpeter in the mashed potatoes for two solid years. And the old memories came flooding back (so to speak).

Ol' Pete was risin' to the occasion, as they say, and the audience had probably never heard anything like it. As Pete played "Rocky Top," his banjo risin' on his lap, pushin' forward like a friendly dog.

It was a good thing Pete had played "Rocky Top" so often, 'cause his mind was on Rita and that farewell. His fingers, though, were doin' exactly what they'd done so often before, and those steel strings were movin' like nobody's business.

Problem was, the vibrations from the banjo and the memories of Rita were exacerbatin' Pete's problem. He couldn't stop, he couldn't stand up, he couldn't think of anything to do but play "Rocky Top" over and over.

After about the fourteenth rendition, Fate took a hand. Or something. Pete, being all sweaty in the spotlight and from his perdicament, slipped off the stool. He fell to the floor, and his, ah, problem, got caught in the banjo strings. The steel banjo strings. The steel banjo strings he was still playing.

I'll draw the curtains of charity over the scene that followed. Pete got his hundred, the club felt they owed that to him. The hospital expenses were considerable, especially the surgery. Worse, he was hard put to explain to his wife what had happened, how it had happened, and why the ambulance arrived to find him stark naked, held by a stark naked Rita, in a hall full of people who were clothed.

For you see, when the ambulance had been called, folks either left for their cabins and rooms or got dressed, so as not to embarrass the EMTs. And Rita, a trained nurse, was the first to arrive and try to give first aid.

Pete's given up the banjo for something safer. He now works on the local police bomb squad.


03 Aug 03 - 11:06 PM (#996200)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Dang, Rapaire, that sounds an awful lot like what's going on here tonight in Mississippi as we continue to celebrate the

JOE OFFER BIRTHMONTH CELEBRATION!!!



Man, oh, man! It's a hot time in the old town tonight!!!

Kk


03 Aug 03 - 11:32 PM (#996208)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

This sounds like a polka to me....

(To the tune of In Heaven There is no Beer)


I walked in a deli that's near,
to buy salami and beer,
but when I heard the song,
my belly started shaking right along.

I said can I have some cheese,
and turkey with pastrami if you please.
My belly still shaking to the song.
The waiter said I think there's something wrong.

He said you get out of here,
you look like you've been drinking too much beer.
But all I want is provalone
please sell me some for my trip home.

Some meunster, tuna salad, bologna,
roast beef, chicken, ham, pound of brie.
This song's to good to stop my knees
I'll leave if you sell me some salami.

Leave now or I'll call the cops.
I said no, just sell me some pork chops.
He came around the corner,
Now I know why he wanted me to leave, he had a boner!

I laughed as I left the store
shaking my belly all the more.
I'm hungry but not for you,
there's a deli down the street a block or two.


Ahhh please give me some salami, honey roasted turkey, avacodo, romaine and pesto on a baguette....


04 Aug 03 - 07:56 AM (#996343)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

My God, Rapaire...that sounded like one of those bizarre stories that Bob Dylan used to make up when he did the talkin' blues stuff. "Motorpsycho Nightmare" comes to mind...

A banjo can deliver a nasty vasectomy or extended circumcision to the unwary player, which is one reason why I avoid them like the plague.

The other reason is the sound! :-)

- LH


04 Aug 03 - 08:21 AM (#996358)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Well, LH, that was part of Pete's problem, those nasty cuts, and the other was his wife. Seems like there was a lot of blood flowin' and Rita was using direct and pressure on the wound to stop it. Who knows what Pete's wife might have done if there hadn't been witnesses? He was pretty close to being Bobbitted all by himself as it was, and after they patched him up he was a man to contend with at the urinal, a real danger to those on either side of him. He thought for a while about getting a job as a lawn sprinkler or entering the competition for the new downtown fountain, but cooler heads prevailed.

I've been really lucky and haven't seen him in years.


04 Aug 03 - 01:47 PM (#996569)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Kim C

No, Bobert, actually, I was waiting for Mister to get his regular lunch fixins, and while I was standing there, I was sorta halfway practicing a dance I was supposed to perform for my class. Then when we went to check out, the young man bagging the groceries said, "Ma'am, I seen you over there bustin a move in the deli." ;-)

But I dance all the time in public. People should dance whenever the mood strikes them.


04 Aug 03 - 02:53 PM (#996608)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Dead Horse

Is that why some banjos have see-thru skins on 'em?
And do they make magnifying ones?


04 Aug 03 - 11:52 PM (#996845)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Kim - You will be intrigued to know that in Cuba, people do just that. They also sing whenever the mood strikes them. They are far less inhibited than their North American counterparts, I find. I think it's partly the warm climate, but it's also due to the lack of money and material luxuries...you make your own fun in a place like that, on the spot, instead of watching highly paid professionals do it for you on a tiny screen.

Man, how I loved it! I did have the advantage of knowing some great people there, which always helps when you're visiting anywhere.

You know, the nice thing about this thread is...it's everythread. You can talk about anything on it. I predict it will go on indefinitely.

- LH


05 Aug 03 - 08:52 AM (#997039)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I dunno, DH, I play trumpet. I've never seen a see-through trumpet and can't even imagine why you'd want one. Watching the valves go up and down would be interested, true, but the stuff at the spit valves might be a bit too much for some.

Now, maybe if I were a tobacco-chewing trumpeter it could be interesting. And once when I smoked I exhaled through the horn -- that was neat, watching the eighth notes and all come out and you should have seen the smoke from double tonguing!

What about see-through bagpipes -- a piobrach made of transparent plastic? Or a transparent accordion?

The mind continues to boggle at these ideas. Take them, make your fortune, and don't forget the Little People who helped you get there. Please, take them.


05 Aug 03 - 09:59 AM (#997080)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bill D

now, if 'ol Pete had just played the French horn, it wouldn't have been nearly so traumatic....at ANY stage of the concert.


05 Aug 03 - 11:24 AM (#997133)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Knew a sousaphone player in a marching band. As part of their schtick all of the brass would bend at the waist and then straighten while playing.

He was watching the baton twirlers doin't their kicks and things, bent from the waist, got tangled in his valves, straightened up.

His scream ended up as a falsetto, the parade stopped thinking it was an air raid siren, and the horses in the Sheriff's Posse became so frightened that the street cleaners went on strike. An entire wing of interceptor jets scrambled and nearly shot down an Ozark Airlines 747 before it was all sorted out.


05 Aug 03 - 12:14 PM (#997179)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I was talking about dancing, Rapaire! You nitwit! I think your mind is deteriorating to the point where you may be worthy of lifetime appointment to the Chamber of Senators at the William Shatner School of BAAAAAD Acting.

- LH


05 Aug 03 - 03:29 PM (#997336)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

LH, I was talking about dancing too. You shoulda seen the steps he was doing, sousaphone and all, right there on Main Street. Why, the last time a dance like that had been seen in town the cops had raided the place and Tootsy Galour had served 90 days in the old House Of Correction.


05 Aug 03 - 04:05 PM (#997364)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Tootsy Galore! Yikes! The only woman in the history of film sexier than her was the incomparable Belle Poitrine.

- LH


05 Aug 03 - 08:29 PM (#997537)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I didn't know that you knew Tootsy, LH. She was like a mother to me.


06 Aug 03 - 02:44 AM (#997685)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Emily Dickinson (1830–86)

PIGMY seraphs gone astray,
Velvet people from Vevay,
Belles from some lost summer day,
Bees' exclusive coterie.
Paris could not lay the fold            5
Belted down with emerald;
Venice could not show a cheek
Of a tint so lustrous meek.
Never such an ambuscade
As of brier and leaf displayed         10
For my little damask maid.
I had rather wear her grace
Than an earl's distinguished face;
I had rather dwell like her
Than be Duke of Exeter,                15
Royalty enough for me
To subdue the bumble-bee!

--Emily


06 Aug 03 - 11:58 AM (#997982)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ....
BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ....
BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ....
BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ.... BZZZZZZ....


They don't call me BEE-dubya-ell fer nuthin!


06 Aug 03 - 02:04 PM (#998034)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Never forget this, Emily.


06 Aug 03 - 10:38 PM (#998297)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Oh, Rapaire, you insensitive brute! I think you owe the lady a heartfelt apology for that.

- LH


06 Aug 03 - 10:53 PM (#998303)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Nay, foreswear, Leedle Hack!! The BWL has done the word a great courtesy by staying true to what IS true. Let us thank him, and urge the Dead Poetess Aloft to do the same!!


A


07 Aug 03 - 05:16 PM (#998564)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST, Emily Dickinson (1830–86)

UNTO my books so good to turn
Far ends of tired days;
It half endears the abstinence,
And pain is missed in praise.
   
As flavors cheer retarded guests     5
With banquetings to be,
So spices stimulate the time
Till my small library.
   
It may be wilderness without,
Far feet of failing men,       10
But holiday excludes the night,
And it is bells within.
   
I thank these kinsmen of the shelf;
Their countenances bland
Enamour in prospective,      15
And satisfy, obtained.


07 Aug 03 - 06:22 PM (#998595)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Emily, Emily, Emily... "Kinsmen of the shelf" my ass. Girl, you need to get laid worse than anybody I've ever known before. Come on, now. Give it up. What the hell you savin' it for? You wanna read books, stick with the kind that makes panty gravy, girl. Then, when it's all hot and bothered go find yoreself a man and see if he knows what to do with it.


07 Aug 03 - 07:18 PM (#998630)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Oh, my. I can't wait until Ms Penelope Rutledge sees fit to weigh in again and chastise you depraved scoundrels within an inch of your wretched lives...

- LH


07 Aug 03 - 09:46 PM (#998711)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Debbie Earl

Nether kin i lidle hak cuz Miz Penylopy is better lookin than a stream full of turdles, er a hedj full of litnin bugs.

Dont tell nobody but i think i'm goin to ask her to git hitched with me and then we kin liv together her an me an Bubba Bubba. With the three ov uz we kin probably hav kids an ill name one lidle hak jus fer yu.


08 Aug 03 - 12:18 AM (#998775)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Yas, where has that damned absynthe addict been hiding her scrawny old butt anyhow? Probably hanging out on a Hull street corner whistlin' at sailors. You'd be a good match for her DebbieEarl. I am nearly certain she used to group the Allman Brothers back in the day. Ain't that right Mz.Penelope?

yerz,
Tweed


08 Aug 03 - 12:51 AM (#998782)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

What gender IS Debbie Earl, anyway?

A


08 Aug 03 - 12:58 AM (#998784)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge (en route)

Mr. Bee Dubya Ell,

did you know that your name in a Semitic language spells bowel?

And did you know--but of course you didn't--that the bzzzzzzzz that Miss Emily Dickinson heard before she died in 1886 was a fly--a fly, you slackjawed Cro-Magnon. Not a bee.

Miss Emily, forgive them, for they know not what they say.

Yours,

Ms. Penelope Rutlege


08 Aug 03 - 01:09 AM (#998786)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST, Emily Dickinson (1830–86)

THERE'S something quieter than sleep
Within this inner room!
It wears a sprig upon its breast,
And will not tell its name.
   
Some touch it and some kiss it,     5
Some chafe its idle hand;
It has a simple gravity
I do not understand!
   
While simple-hearted neighbors
Chat of the "early dead",             10
We, prone to periphrasis,
Remark that birds have fled!

E.D.


08 Aug 03 - 08:50 AM (#998915)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Amos,

See Debbie Earl's posting of August 2, 9:29 p.m. There are earlier ones, too, I think. Apparently DE and Bubba Bubba were strong-arms for the Galactic Overlord, but discovered blues and became whatever they are now.

MOAB has more digressions and sidepaths than reading a dictionary as a novel.


08 Aug 03 - 09:19 AM (#998930)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Debbie Earl

Miz Penylopy i dint even git a glimps of yu butt yu wuz enrot so thats ok. that aint lik bean enfamlyway is it cuz if it is ill tak kar uv yu an the new hatched liddl uns. if yu wil let me no whar yu wil bee on the 27 i will defen yu aginst the marshuns or whoefer atax then to. Bubba Bubba sez hi or wood if i cud find BB. I suspek that BB iz stil out hangen arond truk stops tho lukin fur kando.

any way Miz Penylopy plez let me no an gif me hope cuz my indenshuns are onorabel onez an i wil mayk BB bee with uz so wee kin haf a lot of off springs. i no yull lyk that.


08 Aug 03 - 11:32 AM (#998975)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Amos, you ask, "What gender IS Debbie Earl, anyway?" After thorough study of freds' postings to this and other threads I have concluded that it is a meaningless question. Debbie Earl is freds, not human. Freds do not make the same male/female distinctions among themselves that we humans do. It's far more subtle. You'd have to be freds to understand it. There do seem to be some tendencies toward what we humans would call "masculinity" or "femininity" and it appears that Debbie Earl exhibits more "masculine" characteristics than partner Bubba Bubba, but, there again, we cannot make conclusive judgements because they are freds, not humans. However, when it comes to interspecies relationships it appears that freds are sexually attracted only to female humans. Male humans may be all right to hang out with, but freds seem to find the idea of sex with a male human repulsive. They have no problem with eating one every now and then, but draw the line at screwing.

Then there is also the matter of the term "freds". Is it singular or plural? Well, it's neither. We humans must set aside some of our linguistic conventions when referring to freds. Debbie Earl is freds. Not "a fred". There is no such word as "fred" in freds' language. Also one never uses articles, definite or otherwise, when referring to freds. "A freds" and "the freds" are absolutely meaningless terms. "Freds" is the only word that is needed.

Hope this has cleared things up.


08 Aug 03 - 06:06 PM (#999143)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST, Emily Dickinson (1830–86)

Dying at my music!
Bubble! Bubble!
Hold me till the Octave's run!
Quick! Burst the Windows!
Ritardando!
Phials left, and the Sun!

E.D.


08 Aug 03 - 08:42 PM (#999213)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bubba Bubba

Debbie Early, you ain't never gonna find me! I ain't a-gonna help you make more of your kind, specially not with the Penny woman! Why, she ain't got anywhere near the quality of diplodic DNA that I do! You're jist in lechery agin, like you was on Altair VI-3 that time, and don't play dumb with me, 'cause I know you remember that slime mold you were so taken with. You know what you are, Debbie Early? You're a pervert, that's what you are! Every time we've gotten near a planet you start droolin' and a-champin' at the bit to reproduce! Well, you gotta have at least three to do that, and this time I'm stayin' hid!

Besides, I'm still lookin' for The King, you know. And when I find him, I know that he Khan Du, iffen you git my drift. 'Cause I don't NEED you, Debbie Earl! All I gotta do is git me Khandu, another guy who's as carin' as that bee-dubya guy, a thing they call a Labrador retriever, and some Rhizapus Nigricans and I can reproduce WITHOUT you and your trashy triplodic DNA!

And don't bother lookin' for me, neither!


09 Aug 03 - 10:24 PM (#999529)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

My dear Ms. Penelope Rutledge,

I see that your knowledge of the poetry of neurotic, agoraphobic, undersexed spinsters who spend their entire lives in prisons of their own making while composing little verses that are quite possibly the only reason that they haven't just done us all a favor and committed suicide is greater than your knowledge of anthropology and paleontology. Your use of the term "slackjawed Cro-Magnon" to refer to my humble self belies your obvious total ignorance of human evolution. If a Cro-Magnon man were to walk down the streets of modern day Twillingsgate he would be virtually indistinguishable from, say, Winston Wellington-Jones or Malcolm Buggerall. If you want "slackjawed" you have to go back to the much more primitive Neanderthal man. "Slackjawed Neanderthal" would have been a much more logical choice of words.


09 Aug 03 - 11:52 PM (#999553)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge

You have a point there, BWL...(rather like the one which I suspect may be found at the apogee of your skull, but I digress). Yes, I am aware that Cro-Magnon man was quite advanced and Neanderthals have a reputation for having been shorter and more primitive. I was being rhetorical. If you prefer to be referred to as a slack-jawed Neanderthal, I will be most happy to amend my previous statement.

Now, sir, I will have you know that it is quite inconceivable that a Rutledge, any Rutledge, would be in "total ignorance of human evolution". You are engaging in hyperbole and casting aspersions on a fine family, and were you within range I would be tempted to smack your silly face for it. However, this is the Internet, I must remember, a place which knows little decorum or respect for tradition.

As for "neurotic, agoraphobic, undersexed spinsters who spend their entire lives in prisons of their own making"...well, my goodness, I believe you have described half the cat owners in Twillingsgate, most of whom I am rather well acquainted with through my work protecting animals! Devastating description, sir. I am amused and impressed at your sagacity on this matter. You err in possibly one respect...I think these ladies are generally not exactly undersexed but rather overinhibitied or simply quite unattractive. That doesn't stop them from devouring trashy romance novels or poetry and engaging in lurid fantasy and gossip, I assure you.

However, I am not one of them. I have at least 2 decades ahead of me before anyone could accuse me of spinsterhood, and I expect I shall find a suitable spouse sometime in that period...though, God knows, they aren't easy to find! Most of the men around here are spineless degenerates and pompous fools.

Winston has loads of spine, but he's a moral degenerate in any case, a libertine with the compassion of a moray eel. As for Mr Buggeroll, he is lower than a snake. You might be interested to know that he has brought a countersuit against Winston, as have the Hoarsbottoms. It's a tremendous legal fiasco, and is enriching the lawyers of Twillingsgate beyond their wildest dreams. I did manage to rescue that wretched sheep, Millie, with the unexpected aid of a completely mad Frenchwoman who regards it as a rival in her longstanding affaire with Buggeroll. As I said, she is clearly mad. She also hates me, that is obvious, but she had reason to get the sheep clear of Buggeroll and so did I, so there you are. The sheep is now safely ensconced with a local farmer of good character in a secret location. Buggeroll has been tearing madly around looking for it, but to no avail. Apparently no other sheep will do (except for a brief encounter)! The man is as dotty as his French mistress, I believe. As much as she hates me, it is nothing to her hatred for Winston, and I seriously think she intends to kill him. Winston pooh-poohs the whole thing, saying, "She fancies me. All French women fancy me, you know."

If I were him, I would be very careful indeed. That woman has a look in the back of her eyes that bodes ill for the unwary.

Now why am I telling you all this? Heaven knows. That's the Internet for you, isn't it? One just gets caught up in thinking out loud, and before you know it...

I think I had better sign off.

Adieu.

* PR


10 Aug 03 - 11:25 AM (#999684)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Debbie Earl

i seen you miz penylopy an now that i no wher yu liv twilinsget i wil cum fur yu an mak yu mind an saf yu frum winson an thos guys. we don need Bubba Bubba too hach our chilrin nether jes sum putasium permanganat but i no yu don care if yur botum gets all brown frum it as long as the hachlings are helthy.

i'm cumin' to yu miz penylopy, an cept fer that gurl in the nashvil truk stop an that goat in arcandsaw iv ben faithful to or lov mostly.


10 Aug 03 - 11:39 AM (#999689)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

It cannot be gainsaid -- no matter what those above the line say about it, THIS is where the real spirit of the Mudcat is to be found!! Right here on the MOAB. I say we owe a vote of thanks to those early adopters who realized that back in history (posts 1 to, say, 150) and persevered to reach their vision and defend the truth.

A


10 Aug 03 - 03:52 PM (#999822)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I couldn't have said it better myself, Amos. This thread is Everythread. It is the heart and soul of all that is Mudcat Cafe. Those who avoid it are unwittingly depriving themselves of a treasure-house of Mudcat lore that is probably unrivalled.

- LH


11 Aug 03 - 02:45 PM (#1000368)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Okay, back to genuine unadulterated BS....

Why do U.S. gasoline retailers uniformly price their product $X.XX.9 per gallon? What's the .9¢ about? Why not just price it in even cents? I'm sure there was a time when the fraction of a cent was meaningful. When gas was cheap, like 20¢ per gallon, the difference between 19.4¢ and 19.9¢ was a big deal. If you filled up a car with a ten gallon tank the difference would be 5¢ which was enough to buy a Nehi or an RC Cola. But when it's around $1.50 a gallon who cares about fractionsof a cent? Why do they even bother with having the tenths-of-a-cent column on the pump any more?

Anyway, there is absolutely no deviation from the .9¢ rule. Nobody prices their product $1.49.2 any more. It's all $1.49.9. It's not like "The store down the street has $1.50 even on their gas so I'll price mine $1.49.9 so it'll look cheaper." Every store I've ever been to in any state in the union has invariably had prices that ended in .9¢.   

If I fill up a vehicle with a 20 gallon tank, the difference between , say, $1.49.9 per gallon and an even $1.50 per gallon amounts to 2¢ per fillup. If I fill up once a week, that amounts to about a buck a year. Big deal! Wouldn't it be easier for everybody involved to just price the stuff in even cents? I don't mind losing that $1.00 per year if it would make life simpler for thousands of people.

Bruce


11 Aug 03 - 03:04 PM (#1000385)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

suppossedly it's psychlogically makes customers feel they are paying less. though you do occassionally see gas priced with a 1.xx.7 rather then .9

I even recently saw a 1.58.3

But what I really want to know is about Khandu, Bee-Dubya and the Labrador Retriever - and of course the R. Nigracans Will they truly help Bubba-Bubba create freds?


11 Aug 03 - 03:16 PM (#1000393)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I wondered the same thing and explored it. Here's what I found:

It's a plot. It's a plot directed against our currency. The Council of Seven, in league with Moloch, the Giant Squid, Little Hawk, and the Sons of the Pioneers met some years ago in the White House Rose Garden and determined that gasoline prices in the US would reflect an additional nine-tenths of a cent over then actual cost. This nine-tenths of a cent is skimmed off and used to purchase Certain Glands from people in Third World Countries; these glands are used to keep the Cogniscentii young and sexually active. Woody Allen, for instance, is really 117.

But I digress. By implanting these glands and using their secretions, the Cogniscentii (who are all related and which family dates back to before the Dark Ages) intend to ally themselves with Martians who will be invading on August 24th. The nine-tenths of a cent will be used to bribe underpaid US Marines, who will then direct their fire into the mob outside of the Hermitage before the Cossacks ride the people down.

The nine-tenths of a cent been divided, too, and one-tenth of the nine-tenths is stored in old thorium mines under the federal prison at Lake Watahachee. This is in gold, so it's not only too heavy to steal, it's also radioactive (from the thorium).

Everything should now be clear. If it's not, it's all clearly explained here.


11 Aug 03 - 03:35 PM (#1000404)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

aha! I believe you have discovered their plot! But how did you decode their cleverly disguised master plan?


11 Aug 03 - 03:54 PM (#1000423)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Well, Mario, it wasn't easy. Took me long nights peering by candlelight at the tiny handwriting of long-dead monks. Many days of travel through the dust and sand of the Gobi, seeking out long-lost manuscripts. Evenings of danger, fraught with Peril. Many's the time I've seen Dawn peeking over the mountains, calling me to go on even though my body, racked by weariness and fever, would feign rest. Driving a canoe headlong into a typhoon, making for the lost island of Tir na nOg and the Ms. found in a bottle there. Mushing through the whiteout of a Yukon blizzard. Crawling through the mud of the trenches while the shells of the Treacherous Hun burst around me. Standing nose-deep in the Forbidden Swamp of Bloog, afraid to move as the headhunting Jivaro searched for me. Nope, it wasn't easy at all.


11 Aug 03 - 04:00 PM (#1000424)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

Lucky for us (and all the rest of the world!), that your nose isn't longer or you might have smothered there in the Forbidden Swamp!

But you've never mentioned before that you knew Pearl and Dawn! Small world...


Did you ever find out who the anonymous woman in the bottle was though?


11 Aug 03 - 06:55 PM (#1000489)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Gentlemen do not divulge the names of ladies who live in bottles.


11 Aug 03 - 07:40 PM (#1000526)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

I also would like to know about Khandu, Bee-Dubya and the Labrador Retriever. Exactly what is a Labrador and why should there be a special breed of dogs just to retrieve them? Do they get lost that easily? Are Labradors related to Humidors? Or maybe Screendors or Slindinglassdors?


11 Aug 03 - 10:28 PM (#1000600)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bubba Bubba

Why, bee-dubya-ell honey, I think that it's so cute that you want ta know what sort of fun awaits you. 'Course I had you in mind when I was writin' that li'l ol' message to Debbie Earl, who we don't need atall to make us a nice li'l ol' clutch of younguns, you know. Shucks, you're about the most carin' ol' soul I've met since DE an me left fer this here li'l ol' planet. Now, I got the Labrador Retriever, an' iffen you will just get ol' Khandu we kin git started, since we won't be needin' the R. Nigricans until later, and then just fer seasonings so things won't taste so bland and all. Now one thing, bee -- I kin call you bee, can't I, seein's as how we're gonna be so close an all? -- I've developed a real taste fer that there haw syrup, so iffen you could sort of smear it on yourself afforehand, I sure would appreciate it. And maybe on Khandu, too? And maybe some tabasco too?


11 Aug 03 - 11:15 PM (#1000618)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Well, aw-ight, Bubba Bubba. Ah kin deal wif you an' khandu an' a Laberdor. Jus' az long az ya don' have inny ideers 'bout incloodin' Tweed or Bobert in this liddle group grope yer plannin' here. Dawgs iz one thang, 'n aliens iz a'nuther thang, 'n khandu Ah gess Ah'll jus' have t' put up wif. But Ah ain't gettin nekkid nowheres near Tweed! Ah dun see'd pitchers of Tweed in heat an' it ain't a purdy site. An' I ain't perticipatin' in inny reperductive 'speerments thet involves genes from Wes' Verginny!

Oh, BB, Ah cain't fin' no haw surip 'roun' here. Will Alabama cane surip do?

Bubba-dubya-ell


11 Aug 03 - 11:37 PM (#1000630)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Oh, BB, whar 'n when iz you wantin' t' do this matin' ritchual? If it's gonna be too far away Ah'll need sum new tars fer mah ole truck afore Ah kin mek th' trip. You gotta few bucks you cud loan me?


11 Aug 03 - 11:52 PM (#1000635)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I am wracking my brains to figure out how you found out about that meeting, Rapaire. All I can say is...you're in BIG trouble now, lad!


12 Aug 03 - 08:40 AM (#1000773)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Simple, LH, when one has the right equipment.


12 Aug 03 - 09:20 AM (#1000790)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

JAYZUS! With equiptment like that someone could service the Incredible 50 Foot Woman!


12 Aug 03 - 10:59 AM (#1000842)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Impressive, impressive...

Are you aware of the atomic-powered dildo with which Dr Evil once menaced Captain Kirk, only to be foiled by swift action taken by Kirk and Spock?

It's somewhere way back in the Mudcat postings a year or two ago, but I really don't know how to find it...

- LH


12 Aug 03 - 11:10 AM (#1000851)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST

Dr.Evil and whasshisname


12 Aug 03 - 11:11 AM (#1000852)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Well, Mario, I hate like hell to brag, but, well.... Anyway, she's happy.


12 Aug 03 - 02:04 PM (#1000957)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Thank you, GUEST! That may just be the most inspired piece of writing I have ever done.

- LH


12 Aug 03 - 02:33 PM (#1000983)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Oh, inspired, inspired!


A


12 Aug 03 - 05:19 PM (#1001047)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

And while you are busily congratulating yourselves, the Cognescentii and their ilk are busily working to change the very orbit of the Earth!! They are selecting places on the planet where a slight push will force the Earth into a new orbit which is lower relative to the sun, raising temperatures until only they and their air-conditioned minions remain! At this very moment their plot is complete on Ascension Island and all too soon they will activate these giant propellors and push the Earth out of its orbit! Because they want the immeasurable resources found on the Moon!

Please, try to stop this.


12 Aug 03 - 07:58 PM (#1001111)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

If we could just do something about that blasted ilk! I have heard that the common ilk can be lured into a trap if you bait it with a mixture of honey and cornchips. I should think a deadfall trap (covered-over pit with sharpened stakes in the floor) might serve to put an end to the ilk once and for all. Then the Cognoscienti (or however the hell you spell it) would be on their own and much more vulnerable.

- LH


12 Aug 03 - 08:34 PM (#1001124)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Lots of folks around here go ilk hunting every Fall.


12 Aug 03 - 10:35 PM (#1001154)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Don't be too hard on those ilk. Some of my best friends are ilk!! They don't know they're being conned.

Clever how they disguised those propellors as a wind farm, huh?

A


12 Aug 03 - 11:30 PM (#1001172)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Is ilk something that's pumped out of a ows its?

Bee-dubya, will you please take a camera with on your adventure to Bubba-Bubba land? I would really like to see that interaction on film.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, the ows its are becoming increasingly sore pumping all that ilk...


12 Aug 03 - 11:44 PM (#1001176)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Steady down there, RR -- you're just losing some of your initial enthusiasm. Happens to the best of us in due course! :>)


A


13 Aug 03 - 12:07 AM (#1001183)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Quite right Amos, I must find a way to get re-enthused quickly. Seeing those pictures of Bee-Dubya-ell getting it on with a mutant polyprobiscus and a labridor retriever might just do it!


13 Aug 03 - 12:14 AM (#1001184)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Oh hell, I want to take that back. All those photos would do is make me horny, not necessarily re-enthused. Than again...
Well shit Amos, now you made me all confused.


13 Aug 03 - 01:52 AM (#1001204)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

What Bubba Bubba has yet to explain is, given that this extraterrestrial/interspecies reproductive endeavor will involve four beings of one kind or another, which one of us actually gets knocked up? I certainly hope it's the Lab. In fact, I certainly hope the Lab is a female Lab. Either that or I hope that the offspring is awful damned small 'cause I don't think khandu or I either one have the proper equipment for childbearing.

Furthermore, I certainly hope this clusterfuck does not actually involve khandu and my humble self knowing each other in the biblical sense. I'll pour tupelo honey or possumhaw syrup on the sumbitch if that stirs Bubba Bubba's grits, but that's about as far as it goes.

And, Rustic, I'll take some pictures but I'm gonna put 'em on a website and charge $39.95 per month membership. But you Rapaire and Amos can all have the first month for only $19.95.


13 Aug 03 - 10:47 AM (#1001230)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Wow, I am so, like, THERE! LOL! Actually RR, you don't need to get your enthusiasm back, just your initials. :>)

BB, don't forget that male homo saps have been known to carry alien offspring to term in their chest cavities. The birth process involves splitting the sternum and stretching the ribcage open, and tearing a passageway through the muscles and tissue layers. So it is not something yuo should try at home! :>)

A


13 Aug 03 - 10:52 AM (#1001238)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Assez de cet entretien corrompu! Nous avons besoin de plus de dignité et perspicacity sur ce forum. Sans lui nous pouvons aliéner des bibliothécaires et les gens qui rassemblent de petits figurines de porcelaine. La prochaine chose qui se produira est que les amis commenceront à nous éviter. Alors le chien refusera de faire des promenades. C'est une pente glissante à l'anihilation culturel que nous regardons ici, et il ne doit pas être permis!


13 Aug 03 - 11:15 AM (#1001265)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Fer those of you who don't talk French, here's what LH said:

There's a whole bunch of Christian (er maybe "cretins") sittin' round here. They give a lot a dignity and perspicacity (means "smarts") to this forum here. Without them we'd just be a bunch of alien librarians and folks who collect li'l ole porcelian figurines from the Franklin Mint and such places. Next thing, they're gonna hit their friends up for drinks. But that dog don't hunt none. It'll be the ruin of our culture and civilization if they do that without offering me one.

Or something like that.

(Purty good, huh, LH, huh? I din't fergit that French I studied in college.)


13 Aug 03 - 11:17 AM (#1001268)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Anihilation culturel? Bien sur -- par example, on qui fait grand bruit pour plus de "dignité et perspicacity" sur ce "forum". Lorsque tu veux sembler un type tres conaissant, tres Francais, c'est clair que tu n'est qu'un pousseur des boutons!! Ta soeur!!

A


13 Aug 03 - 11:37 AM (#1001284)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Ol' Amos said something like:

Cultural annihilations? Okay, dude -- you make a big deal about the dignity and smarts of this forum. You sound like a real smart ass, really French, but it's clear you ain't pushing all your buttons. Your sister sucks eggs.

Or maybe it was somethin' else entirely.


13 Aug 03 - 12:04 PM (#1001289)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

D'accord, mes vieux, attendez pour trois jours, si vous plait. J'ai fait un voyage a Boise maintenant, so iffen you're gonna continue jawin' in French you'll hafta git someone else who talks it as good as me to translate fer folks.


13 Aug 03 - 12:19 PM (#1001298)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST

Enjoy Boise (if that is possible)


13 Aug 03 - 01:26 PM (#1001332)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Actually what I mean to say was "Ruination of culture? Right...making big noises about "dignite and perspicacity" (note the mixed French and English structures)on this "forum" " (a word that does not exist in French). You'd like to appear all knowledgeable and French but it's clear you have just been pushing buttons (i.e. using a computerized translator). Yer sister sucks eggs!"

HOpe this helps.

Regards,

A


13 Aug 03 - 02:21 PM (#1001365)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

If I had a sister, I would be compelled to defend her honour for that! Fortunatly, I do not have a sister.

Isn't French a marvelous language? So passionate!

- LH


13 Aug 03 - 10:05 PM (#1001631)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

I like Boise. In fact, Boise would be a real nice place for Bubba Bubba, khandu, the Lab and me to have our little tryst. Yeh! Right on top of Table Rock! Cool!


14 Aug 03 - 01:36 PM (#1002069)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: hrothgleas

I have stumbled into a strange and scary place.

Funny thing is that it feels like home.

i enjoyed the musical quizzes earlier - here's a bit of trivial trivia:

back in the 70's I was a huge fan of keyboard wizards and art-rock. The members of Emerson, Lake, and Palmer had all enjoyed at least middlin' succes in earlier groups. Name all three groups.


14 Aug 03 - 06:32 PM (#1002284)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Wasn't Emerson in a group called The Now? I'm not gonna cheat and use Google this time.


14 Aug 03 - 07:39 PM (#1002342)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST

I would rather be fileted with a dull axe than call up the keyboard gorps obv de sebbenties! Gahhh........no mas..no mas. esta est mui mofo BS enclave! How's dat por de buono Frainch Amos? ;~)
HOO HOOOOOOOOOO!

Yerz,
Tweed (sans la cookleee heeee haaawwwwwww....)
Cranque du Dah


14 Aug 03 - 11:45 PM (#1002430)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Listen up people! You're not gonna believe this! I just checked and hrothgleas's post to this thread, The Mother of All BS Threads was his very first Mudcat post! That's right, folks - numero uno! Gotta be a first for MOAB as well. What an honor for hrothgleas. Years from now when the MOAB has reached its own millionth post hrothgleas can proudly say, "That was the first Mudcat thread I ever posted to." The implications are astounding. What if all new Mudcatters were to be required to make their first posts to the MOAB? What if every new Mudcatter were to be required to read the entirety of the MOAB before making that post? That'd be one way to run those music snobs outta here and insure a firm foundation of certifiable BSers. Hoo-haw!

Bruce (but then you already knew that, didn't you?)


15 Aug 03 - 08:01 PM (#1002986)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

#899


Who'd a thunk it...nearly 900 little steaming piles of crap. A blot on the mudcat nation with a stench-cloud rising that turns aside all but the most dedicated bullshitter.
Welcome Hrothgleas. I can think of no better entry into this bizarro world of BS than to start expounding upon the virtues of keyboard bands. I applaud and salute you vigorously!

Where is Penelope Rogglodge keeping her tartly self? My god that woman is fascinating, even though she detests me so bitterly and would have me flayed and consumed by the invading freds for amusement given the opportunity.

And what of the King of All Bullshit himself? It is rumored that the Royal Palace in Mississippi was underwater and sinking like fabled Atlantis with him on his throne.

And where is the High Priest of All Horseshit,the flatulent and highly volatile Catspaw and the CLETISIAN Forces? O, how I long for the days of truly sumptuous bullshit, exploding outhouses, the rocketing blow-up sex dolls, KingKhandu receiving his electroshock treatments at Neil Young's very exclusive rehabilitation spa.

Bring the BS to the table along with a well cooked mallard and the Royal Dancing Tarts. We must make merry as we have nearly reached 900.

Yerz,
Tweed
Lord of this SpareTire Puter known only as ZEOS.


15 Aug 03 - 09:47 PM (#1003017)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

I really hate people who have absolutely nothing to say but make totally gratuitous posts just to say, "I posted #900!" or something like that. It really pisses me off and anybody that does it oughtta be shot.


16 Aug 03 - 05:19 AM (#1003126)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Smokey John

Anybody want some CANCER FREE CIGARETTES? Two dollars for the cigarettes and the cancer is free.


16 Aug 03 - 11:30 AM (#1003216)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Sandra in Sydney

$2 cigarettes!!!, here the smokers pay well over $8 a packet. Not being a smoker I don't know precisely, but I was with a friend 3 or 4 years back when he bought some at that price.

sandra


16 Aug 03 - 11:54 AM (#1003228)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Et cet grand copain Rapire, ou est-il, alors? Il nous a promis qu'il reviendra mais on ne voit point rien de lui!! Quel blaguard, eh?


16 Aug 03 - 12:24 PM (#1003237)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Now, Amos, the boy said he'd be gone for "trois jours". That don't necessarilly mean exactly "soixante-douze heures", and your post was made exactly soixante et onze heures et cinquante minutes after Rapaire's last one. Please allow a little fexibility regarding the meaning of a "jour". Anyway, he's in Boise. He may have overstuffed himself at the Mongolian Barbecue on Broadway and is waiting for his waistline to shrink a little so he can get out of the booth.

Bruce


16 Aug 03 - 03:33 PM (#1003280)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Que voulez-vous, Amos, eh? Je suis ici, maintenant, et je suis plein du piss et vinegar.

(Translation: Waddaya want, Amos, huh? I'm here now and full of piss and vinegar.)


16 Aug 03 - 08:16 PM (#1003378)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bubba Bubba


16 Aug 03 - 08:21 PM (#1003383)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bubba Bubba

Bee-dubya honey pot, you got me so excited that I jist pushed the wrong l'il ol' button agin. But I'll bet that you and Khandu know all about pushin' the right buttons, don't you?

Anyway, I want you to know that I've found the perfect l'il ol' place!! The lines are right an everything! I've got together enough soft things for the nestlings, too, so they'll be warm and dry while they're growin' big and strong on you and Khandu. And the Labrador Retriever is really lookin' forward to this, 'cause I kin tell. The R. Nigracans will be ready in about a week, and then I'll let you know where to meet me for this l'il ol' doin's.

Oh, I'm jist sooooooooooooooo excited an' all!


16 Aug 03 - 08:33 PM (#1003391)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Et ta soeur, elle pisse bleu -- tu as quelque-chose a teinter? Non, non, excusez-moi, mon copain. Je suis tres content to te voir!! J'espere que toous va bien avec toi!

A bientot.


A


16 Aug 03 - 08:52 PM (#1003400)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Not having seen hide nor hair of my sister for a year or more, she might fait la pisse bleu. Ou verte, ou blanche, ou noire, ou fuschia. Not having seen her doesn't mean that she's not okay, just that I haven't seen her.

Anyway, I'm back from Boise and ready to continue my duties as Official Translator From French To English Or At Least American. As I was saying to someone just the other day, "Tant pisse, mon ami, le sacrebleu est la belle demoiselle qui passe la-bas est la voisinne du Jacques. Maintenant, hola Isabelle! Como esta? Ich du gedanke!"

Well, naturally they replied, "Dumheit! Scheisskopf! Tete du merde! Tonto! Cabeza de caca!" Which, of course, was a wonderful paen to my linguistic ability. Indeed, one of them, a PhD in Modern European Languages, even went so far as to say that my perspicacity, modality, and all-around smarts made me the single most cunning linguist he'd ever met. Needless to say, it's seldom that such a compliment is handed to me, and I was duly modest in taking bows.


16 Aug 03 - 11:01 PM (#1003440)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

arghhhh....tout les jours la meme chose....

Read the ex-Texas Jewboy's accounts of his travels.
Panama Invades France


16 Aug 03 - 11:06 PM (#1003444)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

arghhh....laissez les bontemps rouler....
Panama Invades France (really!) ('Appy Bidet Joe)


17 Aug 03 - 09:48 AM (#1003567)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Translations:

"arghhhh....tout les jours la meme chose...."

Aw, man, every day the same old shit.

"arghhh....laissez les bontemps rouler...."

Aw, man, let the good time roll. (Alternately, 'Aw, man, roll some of that good shit.')

(Academic stuff: please note in the first quotation that Tweed is also subtlely refering to the phrase "A chacun a son gout," which is best translated as "To each to his taste" or "You can eat them snails, but I'll have a hot dog, thanks." He is also verbally playing with the phrase "Plus ca change, plus ca meme chose," which can be translated as "The more things change, the more they are the same thing." Obviously then Tweed is bored, suffering from what the French call "ennui" and his mother probably called "If you can't find something to do, I'll find something for you to do."

The second quote is the unofficial motto of New Orleans. Translated exactly it would mean "(You [plural] let (or permit) the goodtimes (you plural) roll (or drive, in the sense of driving an automobile). Thus a better more exact translations might be "You all permit the goodtimes you all drive." Since this makes but little sense (if that), the more colloquial translation is preferred.)


17 Aug 03 - 12:56 PM (#1003610)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge

Tweed, I see that at 11:01 pm on Aug 16th you somehow managed to post a link to the contents of your brain! Most edifying.

You then tried again, got it right, and posted the link you had intended to in the first place, and it's really quite amusing too...

France can be charming, and I dearly hope that a certain Angelique will be returning there soon with her kilted, perverted paramour firmly in tow. With any luck he will fall into the Seine during one of his drunken midnight rambles and the world will be delivered from a very nasty problem and a great deal of incredibly bad poetry, while Twillingsgate will be delivered from on ongoing embarrassment of ever-enlarging proportions.

Keep up the good work, Tweed! I expect to see a link to your moral and ethical condition on the next post...

* PR


17 Aug 03 - 01:56 PM (#1003630)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Rapaire:

I think you might be overdoing it a bit. Aspiring to academic standing, are we??? :>))


A


17 Aug 03 - 04:01 PM (#1003682)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Academic standing? Me? Heck, I I went through school via academic groveling, academic whining, and academic pleading. But standing? No, sir! We drank too much to be left standing.


17 Aug 03 - 04:58 PM (#1003708)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Muffy

So...you didn't have a leg to stand on?


17 Aug 03 - 06:37 PM (#1003737)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,"Debbie Earl"

My dear Ms. Rutledge,

Please forgive me my former impolitesse, as I was then but a callow youth. Many things have happened since I last posted, and I should like to bring you current.

I set out from Blue Dog, Arkansas, where I had been dwelling, to find you, Ms. Rutledge. I had every intent of making you my partner in the reproduction of my kind. Fortunately, as I was traversing a "bald knob" in the Ozarks, I was struck by lightning. When I awakened from this electrocution (which would have killed anyone born on this planet), I found that my gonadal cycle (if I may, with your permission, refer to such) had been accelerated and that I was now far, far more interested in things of the intellect than things corporal.

My first inclination was to find a large public library and devour everything in it, but I realized that such would hardly sate my appetite for knowledge. I have, therefore, consumed the libraries of the Universities of Missouri, Minnesota, Illinois, Chicago, and Indiana. (I have also digested the knowledge of the chairpeople of several academic departments, but with little furtherance of my knowledge. I do, however, now have what can only be called an encyclopedic knowledge of various alcoholic drinks and sexual matters relating to Earthen folk.)

Ms. Rutledge, while I still enjoy the ennui and spiritual dissonance inherent in "the blues," I must tell you that I have found that Baroque chamber music, especially that of the period from 1734 to 1785, is so exquisitely complex that I wonder how your Earthen minds concieved it. I have become especially enamored of such as Scarletti, JCF Bach, and the early Mozart.

I shall not annoy you with my attentions any longer, dear lady, but I shall now and again post here, should you wish to honor my scribblings with a glance.


17 Aug 03 - 07:22 PM (#1003776)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Suffered from a dramatic lack of understanding!!

Ms Earl I am almighty IMpressed with yore recent adventures and most specially with your conclusions therefrom having always been most partial to Scarlatti and JCFB and almost anyone who was genuinely early.

Thanks for the enlightening rencontre and pray continue!


A


17 Aug 03 - 08:35 PM (#1003798)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Ah, Amos, I think that Debbie Earl is a boy, sort of. Then again, it may not matter. These matters may not call for any deep inquiry on our part.


17 Aug 03 - 10:53 PM (#1003829)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

G';wan -- how are you to tell, given the alienness of the entity?? But if that name is earthling-chosen, it is clear that someone thought it was female at some point!!

A


18 Aug 03 - 08:27 AM (#1003957)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Amos, see this.
Which is why I suspect that Debbie Earl is sort of male. I don't think I'd care to investigate it, though. That bit about "devouring" and "comsuming" is off-putting since I don't know how "he" means it.


18 Aug 03 - 09:08 AM (#1003984)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Ahhh. Thanks, I must have missed that one!! So D.B. Earl is probably the right pronunciation. Right? The Debbie bit is a mistake, right?


A


18 Aug 03 - 09:26 AM (#1003999)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Why not ask him/her?


18 Aug 03 - 11:10 AM (#1004050)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge

Well, "Debbie Earl", that is quite a story. You say that you have "every intent of making you my partner in the reproduction of my kind". Does your kind reproduce? That surprises me, because I had assumed you were a completely unique example of a divine experiment which would under no circumstances be repeated again! Well, God moves in strange ways, doesn't He?

I can't offer you much hope in your quest, Debbie Earl. You see, no Rutledge female has ever married someone named "Debbie", and I do not intend to be the first to break what is a sacred family tradition. No indeed. Now if your name were something more like "Margaret Alfred Cuddlesmore" or "Hermione John Lilywhite", then it might be within the realm of possibility that I would consider you as a future husband. But... "Debbie Earl"? Not a chance!

Your recent absorption of higher knowledge is impressive, and it has certainly had a salutary effect on your vocabulary, but I must advise you of one thing: "Earthen" (sic) minds did not "concieve" Baroque Chamber Music of the period from 1734 to 1785. They conceived it.

* PR


18 Aug 03 - 11:40 AM (#1004061)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Clearly, in Penelope's case, conception is in the eye of the beholder!

A


18 Aug 03 - 06:04 PM (#1004236)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge

Whereas in Debbie Earl's case, it's next to impossible...


18 Aug 03 - 07:17 PM (#1004279)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Madam, you make an impregnable case, I believe -- if not an unbearable one!!

The whole question of "freds" has always struck me as hard to conceive.

A


19 Aug 03 - 09:46 AM (#1004617)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

My, what a lovely morning...

Now, let's see...what have we not yet covered on this thread?

Okay. Bubba Bubba referred some time ago (Aug 16 at 8:21 PM) to a situation saying "The lines are right an everything!"

What I want to know is: was Bubba Bubba referring to ley lines? If so, he/she/it is into some interesting stuff. We should pursue this matter, I think.

- LH


19 Aug 03 - 09:58 AM (#1004627)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

You just walked into a pwful mess o' BS, alright!

A


19 Aug 03 - 03:09 PM (#1004810)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

wee r freds an lukin fer too freds who cam her befor they r namd bubbbaababbaaab an teppyarl the galiktik oferlard wans them kaws they desserded hiz surviz an yu shud al bee awayr that they ar cumin intu ther seksuall maturity wich kan infolf eting proteen sorses lyk yu peepl ar uncukd to.

uf the too bubbbaababbaaab iz mos danjerus sinz shehe needz othur jenitik stuf too reprodus.

post uz her if yu no wear they r so wee kan stop them.

thanc yu.


20 Aug 03 - 08:40 AM (#1005146)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dear freds,

Thank you very much for the warning regarding the freds we have come to know as Debbie Earl and Bubba Bubba. We are sure that The Galactic Overlord has our best interests at heart. However, please be advised that any and all comments, warnings or other correspondence regarding Bubba Bubba will be summarily ignored by yours truly.

I don't claim to know anything about fredsian psychology, biology or aesthetics. I also don't know exactly how Bubba Bubba manifested itself back on wherever you freds come from. But I find it hard to believe that any entity that bears as striking a resemblance to Heather Locklear (at age 23) as does Bubba Bubba in its current manifestation can bear anything but goodwill (and good other things) toward males of the human species. I am aware that Bubba Bubba's resemblance to the young Miss Locklear is totally superficial but, hey, I'm a superficial kind of guy.

As it stands right now, I have a pending date with Bubba Bubba (along with a couple of other earth-type entities) and am anxiously looking forward to it. If you happen to see Bubba Bubba before I do, please tell it that either the top of Table Rock in Boise, Idaho or the strange pit in Rapaire's new house will do just fine.

Thank you,

Bee-dubya-ell


20 Aug 03 - 11:05 AM (#1005229)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,N.A.I.F.

From: The National Association of Ilk Fanciers

To: Whom it may concern

It has come to our attention that a number of posts made to this thread have made less than complimentary comments regarding our friend, the noble ilk. As the acknowledged world authority on the ilk, we at the N.A.I.F. would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.

In the very first post to this thread, a Mr. khandu makes reference to "Tweed, Spaw, Carol the Sailor and their ilk." Pleased be advised that we at the N.A.I.F. maintain exacting records regarding the breeding, sale, and ownership of ilk worldwide, and neither of the three persons Mr. khandu mentions own nor have applied for a license to own an ilk. If Tweed, Spaw or Carol the Sailor are claiming to have ilk, they are prevaricating.   Trust us. As rare and valuable as ilk are in today's world, if either of them had an ilk, we would know about it.
Furthermore, the overall tone of ilk-related posting to this thread is just plain disrespectful. You people act as if ilk were a joke. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. Ilk were once a thriving species held in high regard by kings, queens, emperors and others with more money that sense. Ilk have a long history of being the pet-of-choice of the privileged few and the ilk-breeder was often a person of high esteem at court. But then came the decimation to the ilk population brought on by the ravages of such despots as Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and Khan. At the end of the Cold War, there were less than a dozen ilk left in the world, all carefully hidden away in mountain hovels or disguised as Manchester Terriers (no mean feat sense a fully-grown ilk is over six feet tall). Through the concerted efforts of our members, we at the N.A.I.F. have brought the ilk back from the brink of extinction. The world ilk population is now slightly less than one thousand. All ilk are currently under private ownership, though plans are in motion to donate a breeding pair of ilk to a suitable zoological park. Several such parks have submitted plans for their proposed ilk habitats and a decision will be made by the N.A.I.F. governing body based solely upon the welfare of the ilk.

We at the N.A.I.F. are requesting that you people of The Mudcat Cafe treat the ilk with the respect to which it is due. If you do not honor our request, you may look forward to whatever legal action we see fit to take to put an end to your libelous statements.


20 Aug 03 - 11:42 AM (#1005266)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

I've been a moose, been called a deer, and accused of bull many times, but I have never before been hauled on the carpet over ilk! I swan, and other expostulations of that ilk! :>) ROTFLMAO!

A


20 Aug 03 - 12:38 PM (#1005321)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

What do you suppose a good ilk herder earns these days? I ask this because I have a friend, Yurko, who has experience in sexing muskoxen, and I suspect that he would make a good ilk herder should a position become available. Yurko is an adventurous man who likes to move around a lot, and he is always on the lookout for interesting jobs like that.

- LH


20 Aug 03 - 07:57 PM (#1005554)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

I porpoise that we,being ilk-minded and sommat in agreement in a couple of things, should band together and cretin a beneficent baste organization. Posonby a loyal l'order of Ilk's, wherein we consomme enormous quantities of beer and gude bourbon whiskey with any profits set aside for chartable causes or even a lodged hot tub to hold meetings in.
Surely they is more then a thousand left of our "ilk"

I wuld pay double admission price to see Penelope Rutabags mudwrassle Carol the SailorQueen for the chairwomanship obv the Il'kladies' Auxillyary. My money's on Queen Carol.


20 Aug 03 - 10:22 PM (#1005604)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Tweed, Tweed, Tweed. Tssk, tssk, tssk. Carol C and Penelope Rutledge wrestling for the chairwomanship of the Ilk Ladies' Auxilliary indeed! Bite your tongue man. The only one truly worthy of the chairwomanship is none other than Bubba Bubba.

Now, I know what you're gonna say - something about "But Bubba Bubba ain't a woman! Bubba Bubba ain't even human! Bubba Bubba is freds!" Well, remember when you fell under the enchantment of Carol the Sailor? Well, I have been smitten. Yes it's true. I have given my heart to an alien who once tried to eat the King of Mississippi but had to spit him out 'cause he tasted so bad.

I have not yet broken the news to Mrs. Bee, so please keep this matter quiet until I've had a chance to talk to her. Thank God the children are all grown.


20 Aug 03 - 11:13 PM (#1005621)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Yore seecrit iz safe wif me BeeDubs. But Carol the Sailor culd prolly take bof them huzzies wif one arm tied behind her back. Thet girl is plum full of ilk and also knows a number of cardbord cutout celebertys. I know a promoter in Memphis wif casino connections. Mebbe we culd team up CaroltSg and Sorchy agin Bubbabb and that old floozy Penelope (who I habv suspected for a long time iz not human neither). It could be telecastered via public access TV across the nation.

Tweed


21 Aug 03 - 01:58 AM (#1005668)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Liz the Squeak

Gees - isn't this bloody thing dead yet?

Do you KNOW how long it takes me to catch up on all this... how about a precis please?

And what's going to happen when it reaches 1000 postings? Will the Mudcat collapse into a back hole?

LTS


21 Aug 03 - 08:23 AM (#1005796)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

A summary, well then...

As I understand the most recent developments, Bee-dubya has the hots for making it with a space alien who may or may not be female, a labrador, Khandu, and bread mold; the aliens are looking for this one Bee-dubya wants to make it with; the alien's partner, who has or had the hots for Penelope Rutledge, has been struck by lightning; Tweed is promoting a four-way mud wrestling match between the alien, Bubba Bubba, Carol the Sailor, Sorcha, and Penelope Rutledge; Amos and Little Hawk have been chatting in French, insulting each other, while I've been trying to translate for those who don't speak French; Amos is urinating blue, and now the National Association of Ilk Fanciers is annoyed and threatening to post long threads filled with legalese.

Is everything clear now? Of course, you'll have to read the previous pages yourself.


21 Aug 03 - 08:48 AM (#1005814)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Liz, Liz, Liz....

So you want a precis, huh? Forget it. Even those of us who check in on this piece of crap several times a day don't have any idea what the hell's going on with it. Just go read the back of a cereal box and you'll know as much (or as little) as if you reread the entire thread. Or, perhaps, if you were to study that ring that forms around the inside of a toilet bowl....

As to what will happen when it reaches 1000 posts....

As long as it happens before August 27 (that means we have six days, gang) it will empower the Mudcat to thwart the Martian invasion that is slated for that date. That assumes that Max/Jeff foresaw the need for at least four digits in the "post number" field. If the field only has space for three digits it will amount to the Mudcat version of the Y2K problem, only it will be the P1K problem instead. If the system will not take the one thousandth post all will be lost. The Martians will simply have their ways with us. The fate of humanity hangs in the balance! (And the balance is being operated by some pretty out-of-balance people.) You may want to stock up on flashlight batteries and canned foods.

Bruce


21 Aug 03 - 12:51 PM (#1005934)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

God, the tension is just unbearable! I must have fruit!


21 Aug 03 - 01:09 PM (#1005946)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

as if this thread will have a problem reaching 1000 posts!

I have a question for the esteemed representative of the N.A.I.F. Do your figures include the Maritime Ilk of Cape Cod Bay and the Salt Marshes of Sandy Neck? (whose range extends nothwards to Glouchester on Cape Ann and south to Mystic Ct.) Because I know from personal experience there are still native Ilk in that location.

And in the FingerLakes region of NY state rumours of ilk sightings are frequent.

There is even suppossedly a number of ilk who roam from renaissance festival to Renaissance Faire thoughout the United States and even into Cananda!


21 Aug 03 - 02:38 PM (#1006023)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I don't think that I'll be able to look a manure pile the same way ever again.


21 Aug 03 - 05:43 PM (#1006111)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

In just what way did you look at manure piles, Rapaire?

Mario - I used to live in the Finger Lakes region, where I suffered for years in the cultural desert that is Skaneateles, New York, a town that epitomizes spiritual and social stagnation on so many levels that it really ought to be made a national monument of some sort. There are indeed a great many ilk around there. I can vouch for that. The school basketball team was called the Skaneateles Lakers. They were all wet. I forget what the football team was called. I cared little for football, so I never really focused on that. Matter of fact, I detested it. I was forced to sit through a couple of games by the school administration, which expected us all to demonstrate our school spirit by cheering and yelling. A few of the more naive and preppy kids actually did that, but only a few. The rowdy boys (of which there were a fair few) contented themselves by making rude remarks and leering at the cheerleaders. It was almost as much fun as the time I had the measles, that's why I remember it so well...

"Hail to thee, O Skaneateles, hail all hail we sing...." (Barf!)

- LH


21 Aug 03 - 09:44 PM (#1006223)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

HELP!!!! The Martians have got wind of our plans to thwart their invasion and they have captured Bubba Bubba! Click here!


21 Aug 03 - 10:20 PM (#1006241)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

So which one is Bubba Bubba?

Now I have heard that the milk of ilk is a tasty treat.
Not too sour and not too sweet.
But in order to get an ilk to milk,
you have to feed it good burbon, and do it on silk.
Rumor has it, this has been done before,
and the ilk milk is not totally, folklore,
But I have also heard it from many a stranger than we,
that if you drink the milk from an ilk, your eyes will see three.

Rustic Rebel, the King's Poetess Lariate


21 Aug 03 - 11:58 PM (#1006278)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

In the twilight, sunlight fading
Down the stream, a herd is wading
Soft their coats as Eastern silk
Soft as phantoms, come the ilk.

When the trees and shrubs retire
In the half-light of the fire
When the stars are white as milk,
In the darkness, come the ilk.

Far from any kind or nation
Beasts of pure association
Herds of Linkage, implication,
Ilk born of identification

You who live upon your seeing
Recognizing different being
Differentiating now from then
Here from there and zone from zen,

Be ye cautious, careful, wary
In the dusk, a challenge scary
Ilk propose an undermining
All is "like...", beyond defining

Ilk will drain your mind of feeling
Leave you in connections reeling
Stripped and dead upon the heather,
With their mournful curse...WhatEVer....


22 Aug 03 - 08:52 AM (#1006416)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

where I suffered for years in the cultural desert that is Skaneateles, New York, a town that epitomizes spiritual and social stagnation on so many levels that it really ought to be made a national monument of some sort.

LH - I am doing my best to correct that situation with my inspired performance as 'Benjermin Laudley-Bellows : Town Crier' each Christmas season. Granted - I'm not sure that the culture I display is an improvement - but at least it isn't stagnant!

AMOS! is that original? May I steal it?


22 Aug 03 - 09:23 AM (#1006432)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Steal, hell...consider it a gift. Original, yes. That's one way to decribe it!

:>)

A


22 Aug 03 - 09:24 AM (#1006433)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

wee kapshurd bubbbaababbaaab las niht an turnt hurit bak intoo wat shud luk lik heer iz piktur aftr ithur chanjd bak heer iz piktur beefoor
wen hurit wuz wurkin in nashfill ithur iz in kusstoddy ithur las wurds in enklij wur bedub o beedub candoo wat wil hapun tu doggee nou hurit suks slym lik ithur shud nou too katj teppyarl yur wellkum


22 Aug 03 - 09:34 AM (#1006444)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,mmARIO

tHAT WEBSITE (www.missinita.com)is one of the most frightening things I have *ever* seen. ever. period.


22 Aug 03 - 09:57 AM (#1006460)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Oh cruel world! The one chance in my lifetime to make it with a genuine alien who happens to bear a striking resemblance to Heather Locklear and you freds go and turn her into a stinking fungus! My God! If it had to be a fungus you could at least have turned her into a bunch of morels (Morchella esculenta) so we could have gotten a nice stir fry out of the deal. But, no!

I'm starting to dislike you freds just a little.


22 Aug 03 - 10:02 AM (#1006465)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

See what you damned freds made me do? Made me so upset over the loss of my dear Bubba Bubba that I forgot to go back to regular font after the

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!


22 Aug 03 - 10:45 AM (#1006490)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST

I think I may be suffering from font envy


22 Aug 03 - 11:07 AM (#1006506)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Freds be afraid....be very fredly afraid...BWL is NOT someone you want to mess with, and he really had his heart set on the Heather Locklear lookalike lick-a-lot and sack-hopping contest. It was gunna be a reglar field day and now you gone and disappointed him badly. I were you I'd be leaving' town 'bout now...


A


22 Aug 03 - 11:24 AM (#1006514)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

I'd consider leaving the planet! And don't think joining the Martians will protect you! Not even the Manatees will be able to prevent the Wrath of Bee-dubya-ell!


22 Aug 03 - 02:52 PM (#1006599)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,"Debbie Earl"

This must be done quickly, as They are looking for me and, I am certain, are monitoring from where posts are made to this thread.

Do not mourn, Bee-Dubya-Ell, as Bubba Bubba (as you know her/it) is only returned to it/her actual form. What you perceive as a fungus is only what appears in the dimensions you can apprehend. She/it is in excellent health as you can see by it/her color; I am certain that it/she is only restrained by a slight turning in the e-dimension, which will cause nothing but locus stasis.

Do not mourn for yourself, either, as in order to do what she wished to do she would have had to consume your protein. All of it, and with great mess. I am sure that you will appreciate the fact that you would have had to have been alive as long as possible while this was taking place. I speak only for you, as I do not know what Khandu might have thought of it.

The Labrador Retriever has been taken in by a wonderful family. I am not privy to what has happened to the R. Nigricans, but I suspect that it was thrown out, its genetic similarity to that of Bubba Bubba unappreciated.

I must leave, as I have already spent too much time here and They might, at this moment, be coming for me. Should I escape, I will attempt to post again in the future.


22 Aug 03 - 03:06 PM (#1006610)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

Can that possibly be a true freds' posting above? A quick (though admittedly non-professional) word analysis points towards fraud.


22 Aug 03 - 03:33 PM (#1006623)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

It could be, MMario....


22 Aug 03 - 09:12 PM (#1006768)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dear Debbie Earl,

Thank you very much for your kind words of consolation. They have really helped me get over the loss of Bubba Bubba. I know that you yourself are on the lam from your fellow freds and that they probably want to turn you back into something like this. Have you considered altering your current "human male" manifestation as a way of throwing them off of your track? A nice female closely resembling Demi Moore at age twenty-five would be a real good choice. If you decide to do so, please let me know. You know where to reach me.


22 Aug 03 - 09:52 PM (#1006781)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Bee-dubya-ell, please accept my heartfelt sympathy for your recent and tragic loss of Bubba Bubba. I am certain that she is now in a Better Place, and that you will pass through this Vale Of Tears and become a stronger and better person because of it. If there is anything that can be done to help...anything that doesn't involve money or unnatural acts...please remember that I'm here and then go ask someone else. But you do have my sympathy.


22 Aug 03 - 10:46 PM (#1006794)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

BRUCE, BRUCE, MAN ... STEADY ON!! Please remember you are on a ricochet!! Doesn't that mean anything to you?? This is NOT a good time to make decisions or to throw yourself at semi-alien hallucinations just because they're not there!! Take a deep breath.

Settle down, get real. find yourself and build a stable center to grow from, man. You've been through a lot. Maybe it is time to leave the aliens behind, now...and believe me, I say this only out of concern for your well-being.

A


23 Aug 03 - 11:03 AM (#1006988)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Mrs. Bee

Dear Mudcat People,

Please allow me to re-introduce myself. I am the wife of the individual who goes by the moniker of Bee-dubya-ell on your website. I posted to this thread once before, but it was a long time ago.

I just wanted to let you folks know that my husband has made a full confession of his lust for that alien trollop, Bubba Bubba, and I have accepted his apology. In all honesty, I don't think there was much to worry about anyway. Poor old Bee is at that age where the distinction between fantasy and reality has begun to blur a bit. He likes to fantasize about nubile young things, but the truth of the matter is he probably wouldn't remember what to do with one if ......well, you get the idea. He'd be much better off to stick with playing the Dobro. He can still do that fairly well.

On the other hand, Debbie Earl, (if you haven't been captured and returned to fungus-hood) I hear you like to hang out at truckstops and play the blues. If you're ever at the Flying-J truckstop on Interstate 10 just north of Loxley, Alabama, I think my phone number is still on the men's-room wall. We can run Bee-dubya off and you can have your way with all of his guitars. I should warn you, though, there are several banjoes in the house as well. If you are allergic to them please let me know in advance and I will make arrangements to have them removed (or incinerated).


23 Aug 03 - 11:31 AM (#1006998)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Mrs. Bee, you are a wonderful and forgiving woman. I must ask you, though, if Bee-dubya's playing of the dobro and/or banjos is a condition of his forgiveness -- a penance. If so, couldn't you have done something less terrible, such as ten Hail Marys, ten Our Fathers, and a good flagellation? Sackcloth, fresh ashes, and kneeling in the snow holding a twenty-pound candle? The Inquisition?


24 Aug 03 - 09:51 AM (#1007306)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,GALACTIC OVERLORD

HEY! EARTHPEOPLE! WAKE UP! THE MARTIANS ARE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR! THEY'RE GOING TO BE THERE ON AUGUST, 27! THAT'S ONLY THREE DAYS FROM NOW! IF YOU PEOPLE DON'T GET 1000 POSTS TO THIS THREAD BY THEN, YOUR WORLD IS DOOMED! THAT'S RIGHT! I SAID "DOOMED"! DO YOU WANT TO BEAR RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF TERRAN CIVILIZATION? AND ALL BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO (A) BUSY (B) LAZY (C) UNCREATIVE TO POST A FEW WORDS TO THIS, THE MOTHER OF ALL BS THREADS!

AND I HAD SUCH HIGH HOPES FOR YOU GUYS. TSK, TSK, TSK. YOU KNOW, OF ALL THE RACES OVER WHICH I EXERCISE MY OVERLORDSHIP, YOU FOLKS ARE ONE OF MY FAVORITES. IN THE OVERLORDLY SCHEME OF THINGS YOU GUYS ARE SORT OF LIKE DACHSUNDS. NOT MUCH GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT CUTE AND YAPPY. I JUST LOVE TO WATCH YOU CHASE YOUR TAILS. AND, IF THE TRUTH BE KNOWN, I REALLY DON'T LIKE MARTIANS AT ALL. I'D HATE TO SEE YOUR CUTE LITTLE PLANET TAKEN OVER BY THOSE RUFFIANS.

SO, WAKE UP! POST OR DIE!

YOURS TRULY,

G.O.


24 Aug 03 - 12:25 PM (#1007335)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

You sure that wasn't Guest Muffy posting that?

A


24 Aug 03 - 01:03 PM (#1007350)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,The Deity

Yes, it's Me. The Deity. God Almighty. Yahweh. Allah. Whatever you want to call Me.

Anyway, don't pay any attention to whoever is claiming to be the Galactic Overlord. I created that position hoping that someone or something could take some of the responsibility for this galaxy off of My shoulders. Didn't happen, so I abolished the position and laid off the incumbent.

Good Me, some of those I allowed to be GOs became power hungry! The one I just laid off (and there won't be another) was, well, here's a picture.
And here's another
, you can see the resemblence to another, earlier GO developing.

As for the impending attack, here
is a picture of your "enemy."

Well, I hope to Me that this clears things up!


24 Aug 03 - 01:46 PM (#1007364)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Oh my God!!!! Care Bears!!!! It's far worse than I thought! Give me evil mutant cannibalistic slime creatures with 5000 volt anal probes over f***ing Care Bears any day! We'll all die from insipidness!


24 Aug 03 - 04:44 PM (#1007452)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Ah, Bee-dubya-ell, there can be evil anywhere.
Even the most innocuous, most innocent, facade may be but a mask disguising evil.


24 Aug 03 - 05:14 PM (#1007463)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Bert may indeed be evil, but if so he's been driven to it by Ernie! Ernie is a sadistic, manipulative little creep who delights in emotionally torturing Bert and driving him to the brink of madness. This evil of Ernie's should be exposed in its full ugliness for all the World to see! And when the Martian invasion succeeds, it will be. I can guaran-dam-tee-it! Ernie will be osterized with extreme prejudice. His remains will be used to plug holes in leaky sewage pipes.

- LH


24 Aug 03 - 06:13 PM (#1007482)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Bert evil? Ernie evil? No problem. I can accept the possibility of any Muppet being evil, especially Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear and the Swedish Chef. Everyone's always known that Muppets have the potential for evil because Jim Henson and Frank Oz were, after all, a couple of freaks who found a profitable niche for their weirdness. Where eccentricity lies, the seed for evil cannot be far away. Just ask Dr. Faustus.

But Care Bears are a different matter all together. They exude a special malevolence. They personify BLAND and BLAND is the worst kind of evil. There is no eccentricity where Care Bears are concerned. There is only DULL. Care Bears rot away the minds of young children in the same inevitable creeping fashion that Bazooka Joe and Coca-Cola rot their teeth.    Care Bears are the Valium of evil! There has never been any question of a Care Bear selling his soul to the Devil because Care Bears have no souls to begin with! They are the kiddie culture equivalent of The Walking Dead!


24 Aug 03 - 06:23 PM (#1007486)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I couldn't agree more Bee-Dubya! Care Bears are the very apotheosis of evil! They must be expunged utterly from this World by every means possible!!! Then there are the Teletubbies! Imagine a feature film called "The Care Bears Meet the Teletubbies". Now imagine it again at a matinee. Now jump off a bridge...


24 Aug 03 - 07:48 PM (#1007520)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Good Lord, LH! I never thought that you'd espouse genocide! Have we stooped this low? Is there no way that we can sit down with these and discuss matters? Must we immediately grab a gun? Is there no solution except violence and war? Does the word "humanity" mean nothing? They are creatures like us, possessed of a body and soul, a mind. They might be fuzzy outside, they might look differently, they might even be tasty and delicious when served with a roasted pepper sauce and a nice Merlot, but must we always approach the unknown with fear and violence?

For shame, LH! For shame!


24 Aug 03 - 08:59 PM (#1007557)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Whaddya mean, "the unknown"? I say wipe 'em out and do it now. You can't make me feel guilty about it either. I saw a good comic about them one time. On the left side was a panel showing the Care Bears, who were smiling sweetly at the reader and saying "I wuv you!" and "I care about your feewings!". On the right side was a panel showing the Uncaring Bears, who were glowering at the reader, smoking cigars, and saying "I can't stand you!" and "Who gives a rip!#?"

Har! Har! Loved it.


24 Aug 03 - 09:20 PM (#1007566)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I've investigated further, and can only say, "Jumpin' sh*t! Let's BLAST them l'il buggers afore they drag us all down to their level! Jaysus, the very survival of the human race (poor excuse that it might be) is at stake!"

We're off to off the Care Bears,
The invading Martian sods,
We'll stomp their heads and pee in their beds
And save our world because!
Oh, we're off to off the Care Bears
Those dirty Martian sods!

Little Hawk, the Idaho Regiment stands ready! Our marching song (above) is written! Our firelocks are on our shoulders! We have drawn our swords, and our trumpets shall never call retreat! The piper is tuned and he's pipin' away! Our packs are on our backs and the boat's on the bay! Our flax and wheels are sold! The girls (and boys) we left behind are weepin' for their Johnny and Joanie goin' to sea! We won't come back 'til it's over! The Harrow tomorrow we must cross! We few, we proud, we band of brothers (and sisters)! Where ever our colors are worn are changed, changed utterly! Wrap the green flag round me! Once more, dear friends, into the breach, once more! Remember the Alamo! Remember the Maine! St. Denis! They shall not pass! Mountjoy! For God, England, and St. George! Arount thee wench, the rump-fed runion cries!

What, Colonel Little Hawk, are your orders?


24 Aug 03 - 09:26 PM (#1007570)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

My children were of the appropriate age when Care Bears were in their maximum vogue around '84 or so. I actually took them to see "The Care Bears Movie". Fortunately, I managed to fall asleep after about the first five minutes. Unfortunately, the kids did not. It took years of counseling to get them to the point where they could distinguish fantasy from reality and they still both managed to grow up to be hoodlums.


24 Aug 03 - 10:28 PM (#1007590)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

ah, Colonel, it's getting late and some of the troops have to be home before 2100, and they've got a bit of a walk, some of them, so I let them go home. We'll be ready and rarin' to go tomorrow, and 'most everyone will finally be sober. I also tried to make them stop gathering flowers, but they told me it was for camouflage so I said that it was okay. I think some of us will be marching off disguised as floral arrangements.

Anyway, Colonel, everyone's gone home and I'm going to turn in myself. Let me know if the Martians arrive tonight, okay?


24 Aug 03 - 11:23 PM (#1007605)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

That's the spirit, Rapaire! Assemble your troops (those that can stand up...) at 0600 sharp tomorrow! We attack at dawn! All Care Bears shall be destroyed. Give 'em no quarter. Don't even give 'em a nickel or a dime. And if you run across any Teletubbies shoot 'em on sight!

Last minute espionage directive: Great Root Bear inflatable bears and Ronald McDonald inflatable clowns suspended over fast food restaurants are actually enemy reconnaisance vehicles. Machine gun 'em on sight! Oh, and Tweety Bird is a spy, plus he's terminally cute, so when you hear that whiny little voice saying, "Oooooo...I t'ought I taw a..." BLAST HIM INTO ETERNITY!!! Cats everywhere will thank you for this.

- LH


25 Aug 03 - 08:50 AM (#1007728)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Morning Report, 25 August 2003, 0645 or so MDT.

Okay, Colonel. Almost half of the troops are assembled, and nearly everyone remembered to bring their firelocks. Some even remembered to bring powder and shot, but I had it taken away until they sober up. They didn't go home after being dismissed last night, but instead spent the night playing "Go Fish" and drinking Scotch-and-root-beer with various various Fallen Women In Low Dives (I considered assembling a firing squad for the insult to whisky, but using their own powder and ball to execute them seemed a bit declasse, so I decided to let their hangovers be their punishment).

Corporal Simpkins forgot his pants again. Two people, Miguel Machismo and Trixie "Boom-Boom" Jones, are on sick call for some sort of "burning when they go pee-pee," and I hope that this does not presage an epedemic.

A couple more folks wandered in a few minutes ago, but one of them went back home to get her purse.

Your orders have been received and at the moment we are issuing hand grenades to the troops.

Oops, I'd better go see what that big boom was. Later, dude.


25 Aug 03 - 09:12 AM (#1007739)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Colonel!

A question, sir! A bunch of the troops, the ones who call themselves "The Cleary's Grove Boys," want to use WMDs. Sir, isn't it against the Geneva Convention, the Hague Conventions on Land Warfare, and human decency to create and use a musical group composed of castenets, ukuleles, accordions, bodhrans, bagpipes, a lute, and a grand piano?

The explosion warn't nothin'. Just some of the lads and lassies foolin' around. High spirits, you know. Pre-action hijinks. Don't worry about it. No big thing. And I'm certain we'll find most of the body parts eventually. Just a bit more paperwork, that's all. I have stopped the issue of hand grenades and have begun issuing water balloons.


25 Aug 03 - 11:34 AM (#1007797)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

You're on the right track, Rapaire, my lad! Now bear down, grit yer teeth, and do what must be done. If ya want some inspiration, watch a few old John Wayne movies, like "Sands of Iwo Jima". And remember this: there is NOTHING wrong with using WMD's and slaughtering millions of foreigners/savages as long as they are the Bad Guys and you are the Good Guys...and we are! Make no mistake about that, pilgrim.

- LH


25 Aug 03 - 12:21 PM (#1007824)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Gets deeper and deeper, don't it? Hmmm.

A


25 Aug 03 - 12:26 PM (#1007829)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST

there is a theory that s*it is NOT the waste product of the digestive system - rather that it is a symbiotic life form . the reason most organisms regularly produce deposits of sh*t is that in reproducing the symbiote has neccessitated more living space then available and part is expelled. Under rare conditions this species can exist outside of a host body - reproduceing by spontaneous generation


25 Aug 03 - 01:57 PM (#1007864)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Colonel Hawk,

Intelligence sources have reported the deployment of yet another cadre of anti-Martian troops over on this thread. Yes, the Mudcat Commandos under the leadership of Sargent Kat have been brought into the fray. Between Colonel Hawk and Sargent Kat, Tweetybird and Foghorn Leghorn don't stand a chance! However, whether or not you've got enough between you to put a whoop-ass on those Care Bears is still kind of iffy, especially since rumors abound of a new secret alliance between the Care Bears and this guy. (And we all know that Sargent Kat doesn't have a very good track record against giant mice.)


25 Aug 03 - 02:36 PM (#1007882)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Colonel Hawk, SIR!!

I beg to report, SIR!, that we have taken in a new recruit, SIR! Particulars are: Six feet four inches tall, 196 pounds and few shillings over, quite educated and articulate, and the female members of the Regiment seem to find him to be "a hunk." (Sir, I am familiar with military terms and can readily discuss MLRs, beaten zones, pre-planned fires, TOT, close air support, final defensive fires, commissariat, and FUBAR, but I unfamiliar with this last term and report it here because, SIR!, I am certain it will convey meaning to you.) The new recruit's name, SIR!, is Debbie Earl, SIR!, which causing some small confusion among the troops.

Otherwise, SIR! things are going well. The new weapons have arrived and have been issued, as per your orders, SIR! Training, SIR! has been goind quite well indeed, with only three fatalities and seven wounded, SIR! The troops have also received the new rations, SIR! and some are becoming attached to the rations, calling them "cute."

SIR! That is all for now, SIR!!


25 Aug 03 - 03:03 PM (#1007889)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

Hey there; I say HEY THERE! Y'all leave that Foghorn Leghorn Rooster Alone!


25 Aug 03 - 09:13 PM (#1008072)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Colonel Hawk --

I beg to inform you that at 1712 MDT the Idaho Regiment was attacked by allies of the Martian invaders. Fighting was fierce indeed, but we followed your orders and strategized all over the place. We were finally able to obtain sufficient supplies
to enable our beleaguered forces to absolutely trounce the foe.

SIR! we whipped 'em good, SIR!

But SIR! I regret to inform you that we suffered horribly for our victory. There are many wounded, and many have left this vale of suffering forever. There are also many missing in action, SIR!, one of whom is our newest recruit, Debbie Earl.

SIR! we shall do our utmost to resupply and regroup prior to the expected attack on the 27th, but we will then be at half strength (20% alcohol) at best.

I remain, reverently and obediently your humble servant, SIR!


25 Aug 03 - 11:18 PM (#1008111)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Is that Ms Penelope Rutledge I see presiding over the "trouncing of the foe"?!!! How stirring! You have done well, Rapaire, and shall be rewarded with a medal or two and a commendation. Those cutesy-pie thingees you found and fought are the most disgusting sight I have seen in a long time, and I dearly hope you exterminated every last one of them! Don't fret over the casualties. Bloodshed and heavy loss of life are part of every glorious victory, and guarantee that it will be long remembered and serve to inspire future generations to go forth and hurl themselves mindlessly into the fray just as their forefathers did. Expect more of this. It's good for morale and makes for great movies and books at a later date.

Too bad about Debbie Earl...but he/she/it kept talking about the "nice little farm" he/she/it was going to own after the war, and you know what happens to idiots who do that! It's the same as guys who are on guard duty at night and say, "It's too quiet out there. I don't like it." More fatal words were never spoken. Any guy says that, he's dead meat. I can guaran-dam-tee-it, pilgrim.

- LH


26 Aug 03 - 12:46 AM (#1008143)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Tenderheart Bear

Earthlings! My name is Tenderheart Bear (yeh, click on the name to see what a badass I am). I am the leader of the band of freedom fighters you Earthlings know as "Care Bears". Yep, that's us. The ones you're making such a puny attempt to defend yourselves against. Well, you're gonna lose! Why? Because you don't know how to share! That's why the Galactic Overlord (Yeh, I know, some shitbird pretending to be God said that he'd fired the G.O. Wrong!) sent us on this little incursion. To teach you fuckers how to share!

So listen up! Learn how to share and we'll just go home. Keep on being the selfish assholes you've been being and we'll kick your ass. Understand?


26 Aug 03 - 08:37 AM (#1008265)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Hey, "Tenderheart" Bear!

Got a message for you.


"Numb Nuts, you land in Idaho and we'll show you what it feels like to get the Sawtooths* shoved up your a**e. You and your group of pansy-wansy honeypot suckers show up ANYWHERE within 5,000 kilometers of Boise and we will kick your butts so far up your backsides you'll have to burp to fart. And remember, in the words of your pal Barney, "I love you!" (By the way, he was delicious. We served him with baked Idaho potatoes.)

And you want to share? We got stuff to share with you. Mostly .30 caliber stuff, but some's a lot bigger!

                                 Love,
                                 Your friends in The Idaho Regiment"

(I cleaned this up so that it wouldn't offend your tenderheart sensibilities.)


*The Sawtooths are a mountain range.


26 Aug 03 - 08:37 AM (#1008266)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Hey! Just ten to go (nine after this).


26 Aug 03 - 08:44 AM (#1008269)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Oh, my, I love it when people vent their frustrations. It's so very special to see, don't you think....


26 Aug 03 - 08:48 AM (#1008274)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

[whinge mode ON]why is all the martian invasion stuff happening on this thread. There's a perfectly good thread for it down below here and this thread it suppossed to be pure b*llsh*te. the Martian Invasion is serious stuff! [whinge mode OFF]


26 Aug 03 - 08:55 AM (#1008278)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Moloch

You guys better
watch it, ‘cause
you’re starting to
piss me off again.


26 Aug 03 - 08:57 AM (#1008281)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

MM this is the BS version. The other thread is the Literary Version.


A


26 Aug 03 - 08:57 AM (#1008282)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Sandra in Sydney

what's pure b*llsh*te? from a pedigree b*ll?

sandra


26 Aug 03 - 09:26 AM (#1008303)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Pure BS has no redeeming intellectual, technical or factual content.

A


26 Aug 03 - 09:28 AM (#1008305)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

good thing I got new hip boots!


26 Aug 03 - 09:32 AM (#1008309)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Sandra in Sydney

as I'm only a latecomer to this thread, I really don't want to post no. 1000

sandra


26 Aug 03 - 09:37 AM (#1008313)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Noreen

1,000!


26 Aug 03 - 09:39 AM (#1008315)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,da big cheese

FUNDAMENTALS OF CHEESEMAKING

A key factor in natural cheese is its selective concentration of the insoluble components of milk. Heat, acid, salt and bacteria both jointly and singly play effective roles in transfering the concentrate into an acceptable, fresh food predictable quality, or later in conjunction with other microorganisms and enzymes, into a cured food.

Natural cheese can be classified into groups according to its moisture content, age, type of ripening agents or the rheological qualities of the cheese. For example, classification of natural cheese based on moisture is divided into four groups, very high H2O ( cottage cheese), high H2O ( Mozzarella cheese), medium H2O ( Cheddar cheese), and low H2O ( Parmesan cheese). The moisture levels range from 80 % to 13 %.

The following table displays the basic steps in cheese-making. The following eight steps are used for most of the 18 distinct variables of natural cheese-making.

BASIC STEPS IN MAJOR CHEESEMAKING

Setting the milk

The first step in basic cheese making is to prepare warm milk with starter and rennet extract or paste causing the milk to curd into a block. This curd may either be set with starter only causing an acid iso-electric casein, or a sweeter, calcium paracasein curd, set with both starter in rennet extract. The sweeter curd will materialize in only 15 to 30 minutes at about 32 degrees celcius however, the acid iso-electric casein curd will take approximately 5 to 16 hours to curd at a given temperature.

The optimum pasteurized temperature is 161.6 degrees F (72 degrees celcius) for 16 seconds only pasteurized milk is used for fresh cheese, however raw heat, heated or pasteurized milk may be set for ripened cheese.

The rennin extract is added to the milk, causing the milk curd, however vibrations may cause a non- homogeneous curd. A milk container protecting against light is necessary because rennin is unstable to light. Also, it is inactivated at normal pasteurization temperatures and is most stable at pH 4.0.

Cutting the curd

The horizontal - wire knife is initially used to cut the curd into strips using a swing - gate motion. It is only used to cut in one direction, lengthwise. The vertical- wire knife is then placed in the curd and moved in two directions, the long and cross directions. Cutting the curd increases the surface area of the curd.

Cooking the Curds

Cooking the curd is generally defined as, heating the curd and whey for a specific time, while agitating. This process may be accomplished by using direct steam, jacketed water, or radio- frequency. Cooking the curd serves many purposes such as, contracting the curd particles, driving out the free whey, increase lactic acid production, suppresses spoilage microorganisms and influences the final cheese moisture.

Draining Whey

Separating the whey from the curds is accomplished by using a metal strainer or a sieve. Draining time will vary from 15 to 60 minutes, depending on the vat size. The whey acidity determines when to begin draining. This processes also allows more time for lactic acid production.

Knitting and transforming the Curds

The type of cheese being processed and it's texture will determine the time period of this application. During this time, lactic acid is accumulated causing the curd to change chemically and provide the correct moisture content. This will also allow microbial constituency for curing.

Salting of Curds

The purpose of salting the cheese is to improve its flavor, texture and appearance to suppresse the growth of spoilage microorganisms. When and how much salt is added is dependent on the type of cheese being processed.

Pressing

This processes gives the cheese its characteristic shape, texture, extrudes free whey. The cheese is placed in a metal or wooden vat, usually with some type of weight placed on it to cause pressure. The standard equipment used, is the horizontal, hydraulic, pressure plate type presses.

Adjusting the specifications of the previous steps will cause different varieties of cheese.


26 Aug 03 - 09:40 AM (#1008317)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Sooz

Dammit, Noreen. You beat me to it. I will sulk now for the rest of the day!


26 Aug 03 - 09:43 AM (#1008320)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Sandra in Sydney

Noreen & Sooz - I didn't know you were around, I thought I was leaving the spot for MMario or Amos or ...

sandra


26 Aug 03 - 10:10 AM (#1008335)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST

the one who gets there firstest gets the spot!


26 Aug 03 - 10:19 AM (#1008342)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

ODE TO THE MOAB UPON ITS 1000TH POST

The time has come for us to gab
About this thing we call MOAB
The Mother of All BS Threads
The home of whackos, freaks and freds

We must speak of khandu the King
Whose genius (?) did inspire this thing
'Twas an idea whose time had come
Though some just laughed and called it dumb

It now has reached its thousandth post
Without a doubt that is the most
That any thread has ever had
That ain't too shabby - not too bad

It may well go for thousands more
As long as there are fools who are
Just bored out of their minds and need
A place to broadcast weirdness' seed

So here's to you, oh MOAB thread
A beacon in the night so dead
Home for the crap that, we must face,
Ain't fittin' fer no other place


26 Aug 03 - 10:20 AM (#1008343)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Sandra in Sydney

Spot!!

and I'm off to bed as it's 12.25 & I wanted to log off before midnight.

ratz.

sandra


26 Aug 03 - 10:30 AM (#1008349)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

oh the horrors! MOAB has led to extended MudCat addiction in Australia.


26 Aug 03 - 10:34 AM (#1008352)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Egad! The Martian invasion forces, poised on the very eve of victory, are reeling in sudden confusion before the awesome spread of BS that has infected Mudcat Cafe and driven this thread beyond 1,000 Posts! Will the BS ever end? Or will we have to wait another 60,000 years before people get serious around here and go back to discussing clawhammer technique for left-handed banjo players and the original and unsullied text of "Barbrie Allen"?

Stay tuned to find out!

- LH


26 Aug 03 - 10:40 AM (#1008361)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

A Classic Poem to Celebrate This Mother:

Mother's Troubles

Mother with children all the while,
Tired and weary, she'll hardly smile;
Working so hard, she's nearly sick,
The children's noise to stamp and kick.

Her nerves so weak she cannot bear
Their weeping cries to rock the chair;
Husband at home, so cross he speaks,
Aside she steps and there she weeps.

'Tis then she'll wish she ne'er was born,
For life seem dark and all forlorn;
But when their fret and all is over,
Happy they'll feel like pigs in clover.

    from From Cradle to the Grave (Ionia, MI: Dr. William Fuller, 1888), p. 14.

And to celebrate, tonight the Idaho Regiment will fire a salute of 1,000 guns, mostly into the air and mostly loaded with blanks.


26 Aug 03 - 10:55 AM (#1008368)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Happy they'll feel like pigs in clover????!!!!

Rapaire, you should be ashamed. Yes, ASHAMED!!!! And the Michigan Doctor who apparently foisted this parody of literary art on an unsuspecting humanity is just obviously working for the Martians! Double-agents and turncoats!! Beware!! Loose lips sink saucers!! I mean, ships!!





A


26 Aug 03 - 11:03 AM (#1008374)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

I got a question. Does anyone else read the title on THIS thread as 'Technical - How Do Wop Hormones Work?'

Or am I the only one?

I keep wanting to post "The same way non-Italian hormones work"!


26 Aug 03 - 11:23 AM (#1008386)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Sooz

Hey, MMario I'd noticed that as well. Thought it had something to do with the cheese.


26 Aug 03 - 11:26 AM (#1008388)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

seriously - if there is a differnce - I suspect it's the basil, garlic and oregano. They do definately make a difference in whether or not bugs bite.


26 Aug 03 - 11:30 AM (#1008393)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

That's silly. Everyone knows perfectly well how Wop hormones work.


26 Aug 03 - 11:35 AM (#1008396)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

Do enlighten us LH.

this should be interesting


26 Aug 03 - 12:02 PM (#1008410)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

I think it said "Do-Wop Harmonies", silly wabbits....


26 Aug 03 - 03:53 PM (#1008536)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Geez, Amos, you're sooooo damned picky. Okay then, here's one that also applies to MOAB:

Kalamazoo

On the outskirts are celery marshes
Which only a few years ago
Were as wet as a drugstore in Kansas
And as worthless as marshes could grow,
Well some genius bethought him to drain them
And to add in a short year or two
About eighty-five thousand dollars
To the income of Kalamazoo.

The Michigan Insane Asylum
Is up on the top of the hill,
And some irresponsible crazies
Meander around there at will,
And they frequently talk to a stranger,
And they sometimes escape, it is true,
But the folks are not all of them crazy
Who hail from Kalamazoo.

    from either A Basket of Chips (Kalamazoo, MI: J. B. Smiley, 1888) or Meditations of Samuel Wilkins (Kalamazoo, MI: J. B. Smiley, 1886).


26 Aug 03 - 08:30 PM (#1008645)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

The answer, Mario, is: "overtime" and "even on Sundays". For an amusing movie on the subject watch "I Love You To Death". These are Italian male hormones I'm talking about. With the females it's a bit different. A study of rabbits has shown virtually the same gender-based dichotomy, and I find that interesting. I wonder if Lepus Rex could add anything to this?


26 Aug 03 - 08:56 PM (#1008656)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Meanwhile, there are only hours left until Mars invades. That's here in Idaho. It's already tomorrow someplaces today. But of course, in other places it's not yet now. I suspect that if we went West far enough it would be yesterday today. That would give us more time to ward off the impending attack by Mars.


26 Aug 03 - 09:40 PM (#1008679)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie

Just


26 Aug 03 - 09:45 PM (#1008682)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Janie

uh....well....mmmm.....what I MEANT to say was.......Oh nevermind.


26 Aug 03 - 10:07 PM (#1008692)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,"Debbie Earl"

I got seperated during the fighting, and was wounded by a stray bolt from one of their guns. No bleeding, it cauterized right away, but it hurts, it really hurts. I think that it damaged my genetic code, too, as I'm slowly reverting to my old appearance. And I'm starting to cough up -- stuff. Ichorous stuff. I don't think it's a good sign.

Rescued that little girl, though. She was picking flowers on the hillside when all hell broke lose. That's how I got seperated, taking her to cover.

God, this wound hurts! I wonder if they were using side-band bolts, in violation of the Treaties Of Acturus On Permissible Warlike Things. I'd hate to lose my left arm, I don't think I can regenerate it if they used sbb's.

I wonder where I am. I must still be in Idaho, I suppose. The landscape is all blasted and sere, red and black and burned.

Oh, hell. You guys, the Idaho Regiment, we had some good times together, didn't we? You remember that girl in the bar, Sarge? Yeah, that one. Listen, if I don't make it back, and I don't think I will, you'll give my mother this letter, won't you? Yeah, that's the picture of my girlfriend back home, cute little thing, we're goin' to get married when this war is over. Lissen Sarge, just give me a dull, rusty saw and bullet to bite on and you get the rest of the platoon out of here. Don't worry about me. And Sarge, take care of the Kid, won't you? He's too young to be here, he should be back home, sipping a malt with his best girl and playing on the high school football team.

It's getting dark, Sarge. Now's your chance. I've got this BAR and I'll hold 'em off while you get the guys outa here. And Sarge, if I don't make it...kill a few of 'em for me. And one day, when the team is behind and everything looks dark, Coach, just tell 'em to win one for the Gipper.


26 Aug 03 - 10:39 PM (#1008710)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

For God's sake, Debbie Earl, just shuddup and either die or turn back into THIS!

By the way, that "stray bolt from one of their guns" that wounded you wouldn't happen to be a about 3" long with a 9/16" hexagonal head, would it? My tractor's missing one.


27 Aug 03 - 09:34 AM (#1008898)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Dear God, I've discovered their marching song, and it proves their terrible lack of decency (and musical taste)!

Oh! Marsy stoats and folks and goats,
And liddle marskidsy divey,
Deja Thoris'll eatem too,
Wouldn't you-oo-oo-hoo?
A kidney pullin' will do,
Wouldn't you?


27 Aug 03 - 10:14 AM (#1008923)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Different platoons sing different songs, Rap.

Here's one that is song by the Blue and Fuzzy Jumpers:

We are the Caaare Beaaaars
and we Really Care, we really Care!
Yes we do-o-o-o-o-oooo
We really care for youuuuuuu!!
Your feelings are important!!
We never ask you why,
We never judge or question,
We just hug you until you dieeeeeeeee!!
Yes, WE are the care bears,
And we really, really, care

Cho: Oh, have a good day, have a good day


27 Aug 03 - 10:20 AM (#1008929)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST

and the Manatees sing:

it's a wonderful day for in-vad-ing
A wonderful day for in-vad-ing
won't you be? Won't you be?
Won't you be an Ally?


27 Aug 03 - 10:53 AM (#1008953)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

I'm so confused!!!!

There are two other Martian invasion threads going along with the MOAB and none of them are marching to the same drummer. In fact, no two people posting to any of the three threads are marching to the same drummer. In fact in fact, no single person posting to any of the three threads is marching to the same drummer two beats in a row.

Is the invasion on? Is the invasion off? Did the 1000th post do the trick? Who are the combatants? Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys? Will the winners get ice cream? What flavor? Will they even have mouths to eat it with or hands to hold a spoon? Should I go buy a television so I can watch coverage on Fox News? Where is King khandu? And what really happened to Debbie Earl and Bubba Bubba?

Maybe I'll just sleep all day and it'll sort itself out.


27 Aug 03 - 11:40 AM (#1008995)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Look, guys, it's not over till it's over! We still have over 12 hours left to go until midnight where I am located, and that means that August 27 hasn't ended yet, so hang on to your hats. 33 million Martian Marines aren't going to be stopped by one lousy little 1000-post thread on an obscure Folk & Blues forum...are they?

Well?


27 Aug 03 - 08:05 PM (#1009290)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Five hours, fifty-four minutes, thirty-seven, no -six, no -five, no -four -- ta hell with it. A tad less than six hours to go....


28 Aug 03 - 09:04 AM (#1009544)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Debbie Earl, I'm sorry to report, is dead (or at least we think so). DE's body
was found surrounded by Martians who had obviously been slain by DE as they pursued the rest of DE's platoon.

Debbie Earl has been nominated for the Idaho Cross (Second Class), the Wounded Mountain Lion Ribbon (First Class), and the Cross of Bravery (Third Class).

DE will be missed, assuming that DE is actually dead and not simply living in another dimension, because DE was scheduled for kitchen duty this weekend.


28 Aug 03 - 09:10 AM (#1009546)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Noreen

*sniff* ...it's all quiet... everybody's gone....


28 Aug 03 - 09:48 AM (#1009568)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Rapaire obviously had a much more entertaining evening than I did -- we built special tinfoil hats garnered with igh-tech coils and antennae and sat around waching Mars start its 60,000 year retreat and discussing floor tile. Wish Ic ould been in Rapaire's fire fight!!


A


28 Aug 03 - 11:50 AM (#1009640)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

President Bush made a emergency broadcast to the nation this morning:

On August 27, 2003, a day which will live in incompetence, the military forces of the Empire of Mars did launch a dastardly and unprovoked surprised attack upon the peace-loving inhabitants of Idaho, USA...and a variety of other places (but who cares about those, cos most of 'em were in foreign countries which aren't American...yet). This attack came even as the lying Martian envoys were conducting supposedly normal diplomatic discussions with American officials in Washington and trying to determine how we pronounce the word "nukular" on this planet. The perfidy of this unprovoked attack is unrivalled in the history of the Universe and shall be met with a grim resolve by we, the innocent victims of this vile aggression! Never before in the history of mankind has anyone committed such pointless and duplici...dubalict...duplessis...um...SNEAKY an attack on a peace-loving people as the Martian attack of August 27th! It will not go unanswered! Even now I am preparing a proposal for Congress to allocate funds sufficient to mount a punitive expeditionary force to invade Mars within the next 12 months, this force to be launched in an operation which I have decided to call "OPERATION IMMEASURABLE FREEDOM"...or "OIF".

I want to bring attention to the fact that the Evil Martian Empire sent their troops in claiming the right to "pre-emptive attack in self-defense", as if that was a justification for what can only be seen as naked aggression!

Furthermore, they claimed that we had "weapons of mass destruction" capable of destroying an entire planet. Ha! Where?...I say where?...are those weapons of mass destruction??? Nowhere! That's where. They lied through their teeth, folks, and I am not gonna let 'em get away with it.

They also claimed that we assisted Ming the Merciless of Venus in blowing up that clam bar in Kel'th'a'pathlz'ne'n...in...in the Martian capital last year. Another blatant lie! We can't stand Ming the Merciless and would feed him into a meat grinder if we ever got the chance to. Ming hates us and we hate him. End of story.

Well, those Martian dimwits have made a big mistake. All around me I can feel the righteous anger of America building like a mighty wave of vengeance that will cause fat guys to get off their couches, drop their can of Coors, and grab for their shootin' irons, and get ready to sweep the Evil Martian Empire off the face of the Earth! Well, no, I mean off the face of the Universe...assuming the Universe has a face...well, you know what I mean! We're gonna get 'em! We're gonna smoke 'em out! And we're not stoppin' until the job is done!

Hear this Mars! America is coming!!!


28 Aug 03 - 12:23 PM (#1009658)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

ODE TO FREDS (SNIFF, SNIFF, SUB, ZUB)

So time has come for us to bid
Farwell to our friends freds
Bubba Bubba's taken hostage
And Debbie Earl is deads

We won't be soon forgetting
The time they spent among us
Though Deb is now a fossil
And Bubba is a fungus

We hope they live in other states
Unknown to our World
Like sentient blobs of jelly
Bubba Bub' and Debbie Earl

Or they may be back tomorrow
Arisen from the dead
Cause dumber things have happened
Within this MOAB thread.


28 Aug 03 - 12:33 PM (#1009667)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST

Did you know you can sing 'The Boar'sHead Carol' to the tune of "The Banana Boat Song"?


28 Aug 03 - 12:50 PM (#1009678)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

That's true. You can also sing "Amazing Grace" to the tune of "House of the Rising Sun".


28 Aug 03 - 04:06 PM (#1009792)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

My fellow Americans - and anyone else hanging around on this thread:

As we are coming up on the 330th anniversary of the infamous 'Boston Marrow Party' I was of course thinking of that historical event and wondering if it was indeed - as some have recently speculated brought on by a combination of Martian subversives and Manatee sympathizers - rather then being a purely 'home grown' rebellion.

As I am sure all are aware (given the momentous historical signifigance of the entire marrow incidence) that from this seemingly small display of pique devoloped the entire American Revolution; the Space Program, American Sign Language and, some posit, even cellphones and Britney Spears.

Of course this is not to excuse the incredible offenses against human rights committed by Parliament and King George in having military troops hide marrows on front porches throughout Boston, Peabody and Braintree; nor does it even begin to explain why those troops; ashamed as they were to have to force marrows upon common citizens - were still compelled under cover of darkness to continue their nefarious vegetable distribution.

Many scholars have of course debated this issue for years - but the recent failure of Martian activities due to MOAB influence is once again bringing the entire Marrow incident to the fore of the true Poliotical Historian's mind.


28 Aug 03 - 04:18 PM (#1009797)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I'm glad you brought that to everyone's attention, Mario. It explains a lot.


28 Aug 03 - 04:25 PM (#1009804)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

Didn't you ever have to recite that epic poem?

Listen my children and you shall hear
Of the marrow tossing of Paul Revere
Into the harbour of Boston Town
went every veggie that George sent down!


28 Aug 03 - 04:57 PM (#1009820)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

On the eighteenth of April, in 'seventy-four
He galloped to every farmhouse door
And gathered up every marrow fair
That the evil British had hidden there!

Then he took them all, and with some of his friends
Hauled them away to the old East End
Where Boston Harbour laps the pier
Twelve tons of marrow disappeared.

Then he said good night, and with muffled oar,
Rowed across to the Charleston shore
And stopped at a tavern, ordered a brew,
And passed on this tale, as I pass it to you!


28 Aug 03 - 07:47 PM (#1009907)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Ha! Ha! Ha! Wonderful! The American Revolution has never resounded with such glorious verse before.

"A Marrow, A Marrow, my commission for a Marrow! Nay, tarry not, good fellows, but fetch me a Marrow! Alas! I fear that my days grow short as Marrowless I stand upon this sodden and bloodied field. O wretched fate! Harry not mine unsullied ears with vague rumours whilst the sands run down, but fetch me posthaste a Marrow!"

With these desperate words did General Burgoyne beseech his redcoated staff officers as the ragged colonials closed in...mouthing vague obscenities about republicanism and the impending death of monarchy.


28 Aug 03 - 07:49 PM (#1009908)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ralphs

Hello Earth People. Har! Greetings from Ralphs. Har! Ralphs are not like freds. Har! Ralphs understand your grammatical system and can spell, punctuate and capitalize as well as most of you do. Har! Ralphs also do not look offensive to most of you. Har! In fact, Ralphs look like this. Har! However, please be aware that Ralphs have invaded your planet and before long you Earthlings will long for the days when all you had to worry about was freds trying to eat your King. Har! You will wish that you had lost yesterday's battle with the Martian invaders so that all you had to endure was their whips and 5,000 volt anal probes. Har! You see, Ralphs are the most annoying species in the known Universe. Har! Ralphs always refer to themselves in the third person, which gets on people's nerves after a while. Har! But, more importantly, Ralphs habitually say "Har" after each sentence that Ralphs utter. Har! In some instances, where a statement is humorous or very thought provoking Ralphs may even utter several "Har"s in sequence. Har! For example: "Why did the Drombignonian Velsnard cross the road?" Har! "Because his lagnarvia was caught in his epurchalot!" Har!    Har!    Har!    Har!    Har! After a few years of Ralphs occupation most subject planetary populations either commit mass suicide or quickly figure out how to build starships and go find new planets on which to live. Har! Either way, Ralphs get the planet to do with as Ralphs please. Har!    Har!    Har! Ralphs think Ralphs are going to like it here. Har!    Har!    Har!    Har!    Har!    Har!    Har!    Har!


28 Aug 03 - 08:52 PM (#1009928)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

(Don't tell the Ralphs this, buit I a have it on Good Authority that there is a Synchronous VIsitation bering scheduled by the Higher Circles of the Noble Vons Organization, who have formed an Alliance witht he Monarch of Safeway. I am afraid Ralphs will not like this very much!!   Snur!! Snur! Snur!)

A


28 Aug 03 - 09:39 PM (#1009951)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ralphs

Amos. Har. Ralphs must point out a grammatical error that you made in your immediately preceding post. Har. You refer to "the Ralphs". Har. This is an improper grammatical structure. Har. There is only "Ralphs". Har. There is no "the Ralphs" or "a Ralph".    Har. "Ralphs" is both singular and plural and "Ralphs" is never modified by a definite or indefinite article. Har. This admittedly uncommon grammatical feature is the one thing that Ralphs have in common with freds. Har. Other than that, Ralphs hate the little fuckers. Har.    Har.    Har.    Har. Enjoy the rest of your brief stay on this lovely planet. Har.    Har.    Har.


29 Aug 03 - 02:23 AM (#1010047)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Ralphs are right. Har. Raplhs are exceedingly annoying. Har. I hope they all die miserably. Har. Har. Grammar is always changing, so Ralphs will find it hard to lay down absolute rules. Har. But Ralphs wii still try. Har. Ralphs also make really annoying movies. Har. Let's hope that something very nasty happens to Ralphs soon. Har. Har. Har.

I didn't think this thread could get any worse, but it has... (Har.)

- LH


29 Aug 03 - 08:51 AM (#1010168)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

it derives from the nature of the medium.


29 Aug 03 - 09:10 AM (#1010174)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Grammar will habe no importance! Snur!! Wait and perceive!! Snur!! The meeting of Vans allied with Safeway will be the end of Ralphs! Snur!! But this thread will not end!! Snur. Snur! Snur!!!!


29 Aug 03 - 11:11 AM (#1010258)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ralphs

To: Earthling who styles himself after a diminutive raptor. Har!

It is not usually within Ralphs' ways of doing things to interfere with or harm the indigenous dominant species on a planet that Ralphs wish to acquire. Har! Ralphs exert Ralphs' influence by sheer annoyance. Har! However, since it appears that you, Mr. "Little Hawk", have gravely insulted Ralphs we will make an exception. Har! Har! Ralphs have captured every Ilk on the planet Earth and are currently holding them hostage. Har! Har! Ralphs will release the Ilk unharmed whenever you, Mr. Hawk, see fit to issue a formal apology. Har! Har! Har! Otherwise, you will never see your precious Ilk again. Har! Har! Har!


29 Aug 03 - 01:26 PM (#1010330)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

My ilk is very rare, Ralphs. Har! I think you will not find any. Har! Go screw yourself. Har! Har! Har!

- LH


29 Aug 03 - 01:34 PM (#1010336)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

silly Ralphs! Har! gargoyle has been trying to drive the ilk away from mudcat for years. har! and he has failed! Har! What makes you think Ralphs can succeed? Har?


30 Aug 03 - 11:38 AM (#1010780)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Rapaire, on another PC

Ralph's my nephew. Ralph's also my father. I am related to and descended from Ralphs. Don't think that Ralphs can't do whatever they want.


30 Aug 03 - 12:06 PM (#1010788)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I left a Ralphs-style message on my friend Mike's phone last night. Har! He was very annoyed by it. Har! He says he will punch me out if I do it again. Har! This business of being Ralphs-ish can be dangerous. Har! Har!

- LH


01 Sep 03 - 10:36 PM (#1010885)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Well, it couldn't just LAY there, could it??


01 Sep 03 - 11:21 PM (#1010918)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Sorry, Ralphs, but I think you've finally come to the wrong planet. This is Earth, home of rap music, electric guitars, 2-cycle leaf-blowers, and telemarketers. We are immune to annoyance. Stick around long enough and Mattel will make a Ralphs doll that goes "Har!" when you push a button. It'll be next Christmas's hottest selling item. Kids'll love 'em. Adults'll hate 'em until noon on Christmas Day and then they'll just ignore 'em.


01 Sep 03 - 11:58 PM (#1010945)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Yup. Har! Annoyance is the raison d'etre of this planet. Har!


02 Sep 03 - 09:03 AM (#1011150)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

"Ralph" is one of my middle names, likewise my brothers. If you don't think that we can be annoying, just let one of us know. Or ask my mother or any other my relatives. Names supplied upon request.


02 Sep 03 - 02:51 PM (#1011419)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Rapaire, I note that you have begun claiming to be the sole author of the repulse of the Martian invasion. You are experiencing delusions of grandeur. I fear that you are becoming too mentally unstable to be allowed to participate in a thread with the gravity, dignity, and deeper meaning of the MOABS.


02 Sep 03 - 02:57 PM (#1011427)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Tweed

Liddle Harg, you like thet H.P.Lovecrapht right? Mebbe you habv been to this site but mebbe you ain't so I will give you this link. Truly a disturbing place, as all things Lovecrapht should be.

Famous Citizens of Arkham...and more..

Yerz,
Tweed at work


02 Sep 03 - 03:20 PM (#1011443)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

LH, you are suggesting my unhingement. Such is not the case. I cannot express enough delight at my sanity, my level-headedness, my grasp on reality and truth. I enjoy the same level of sanity as Oscar the Wiener Dog.


02 Sep 03 - 08:29 PM (#1011682)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Rapaire, my lad, I have wronged you. You are clearly a Liberty Meadows fan! So am I. This is glorious. So, what do you think about the return of the cow? Have Ralph and Leslie bitten the big one this time or will they escape? Isn't Brandy the greatest? Wow.

- LH


02 Sep 03 - 09:24 PM (#1011706)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I read ma comics as gawd intended -- online.

I only read it for the Brandy. And Oscar. And Truman. And Frank. And Julius. And Ralph. And Leslie. And Brandy's roommate. And Khan the Catfish.

And for you poor benighted heathens who wot not what of we speak, enlightenment is to the found here.


03 Sep 03 - 08:04 PM (#1012355)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

This is not the time or place for all of this Bullshit! Can't you people see we are having a crisis here? Can't you understand that we need honesty, compassion, and love abounding at this time in our measly little existance of life in this measly little time frame of life that we have?
They are taking what we have to be good and pure and turning it into a circus ring. They are exposing human nature for what it really isen't and saying we deserve to be treated like the animals in that circus ring.
They are trying to form groups of loyal subjects to create disturbances throughout the entire Mudcat community. They are infilterating our Governments, our homes and gardens, our lives.
Who are they you might ask? They are exactly the thing you detest, yet yearn for. They are the nostril full of snot,that you want to blow but you snort down your throat, they are the things that make you want to reach out and touch, but you can't reach them, they are preying on us every day, they are...they are mating them for Christsake they are....



ACTORS!


03 Sep 03 - 08:36 PM (#1012375)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Thank yew fer th' chuckle, Rusty Kreble. I dunno who summa them peeple are but it were funny anyhow. If yew like that kinda thing yew might like t' play with rubberfaces.com. It are funny too.


03 Sep 03 - 09:58 PM (#1012396)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Just as Little Hawk said in another thread, "Ah, that explains why I can't buy extra large condoms". They used 'em all up on the rubber people. (har)
I ain't been called Rusty Kreble since I was born, and I remember the Dr.s saying,as they were scraping the crust of my scalp, "That there looks like a rusty kreble to me, what do you think Dr. Dick?"
Then I remember Dr. Dick saying, " Yeah that sure seems to be an appropriate diagnosis to me Dr. Toosik."


03 Sep 03 - 10:36 PM (#1012406)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Where'd Ralphs go? I hope we didn't offend them. They added a certain panache, a hint of existential dread, a little bit of sangfroid and a whole lotta l'odeur des choux de bruxelles putréfiés to the place. They also made me itch. I think they had fleas.


03 Sep 03 - 11:04 PM (#1012424)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

ralfs wer gud ate them butt hat stumik upsit aftur bubba bubba az yu kal ither iz parint had hatch yisterdai iz sayin beedubyaell iz profivdeer uf y kromozonez an candu profiedid w kromozonez pleez tel us if tru sew wee kan tak tu them aboot hatchlin sueport muny fank yu


03 Sep 03 - 11:42 PM (#1012443)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ralphs

Yeh, right! Har! Freds ate Ralphs. Har! Har! Freds are lying little fuckers! Har! It'll be a warm day on Ganymede when freds eat Ralphs. Har! Har! Freds can't spell worth a damn either. Har! Ralphs already told you humans that Ralphs hate freds worse than anything in the known Universe. Har! Ralphs hate freds so much that Ralphs wouldn't stoop to eat the little maggots! Har! Har! Har!

Oh, to answer your question, human Bee-dubya-ell, Ralphs were merely sleeping. Har! The days on Ralphs' home planet are the length of your weeks. Har! Ralphs' stay awake for four of your days and then sleep for three days. Har! Ralphs are well rested and ready to get on with the annoying. Har! Har!


04 Sep 03 - 12:45 AM (#1012468)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ralphs

Oh, by the way, human Bee-dubya-ell, the bit about Ralphs smelling like rotten Brussels sprouts was not exactly funny. Har! I guess you didn't think Ralphs could read French or something. Har! Listen! Har! Ralphs are going to tell you just like we told your friend Amos: Har! Ralphs work entirely by annoyance. Har! Ralphs don't like to become actively involved in the destruction of planetary life-forms. Har! But Ralphs really hate being insulted and will make exceptions. Har! Understand? Har? Har?


04 Sep 03 - 09:29 AM (#1012617)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

freds uz translador majine freds bouht frum ralfs no need too lern langij ov pepul who wil not exizt in a lidle wile louzy majine butt wurks an wat kan yu ekspect frum ralfs

The translator we freds developed and use ourselves is far superior to that piece of crap we bought from Ralphs (which, by the way, is a cheap-shit discount store out in the direction of Cygnus and not one of the star-faring races of the Universe). Our translator, as you can see, works impeccably.


As we mentioned earlier, we are looking for someone called “bee-dubya-ell” and someone else called “Khandu.” A little matter of child support, you know.


04 Sep 03 - 10:33 AM (#1012633)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dear freds,

Please refer to the recent post from your own (late?) "Debbie Earl" which states in part:

...in order to do what she (Bubba Bubba) wished to do she would have had to consume your protein. All of it, and with great mess.

As I still have most of my protein, logic dictates that the act in question never took place. Sorry, but I'm afraid you'll have to look elsewhere for the donor of your Y chromosome.

King khandu, on the other hand, has not been heard from in a good length of time. It is entirely possible that he is the donor of the W chromosome in question and that the reason we haven't heard from him is that he was consumed during the consumation. Anyway, even if he is still alive he is from Mississippi and, therefore, by definition, has no money. If you're looking for child support money from him (or his estate) you might as well try squeezing it out of a rock instead.

I suggest that Bubba Bubba just put the hatchling(s) up for adoption and get on with herit's life.... such as it is.... being a fungus.


04 Sep 03 - 10:38 AM (#1012637)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

hey BWL! What if Debbie Earl lied? Huh?


04 Sep 03 - 11:21 AM (#1012656)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

When are we going to get back to discussing something REAL...and IMPORTANT here...like the influence of William Shatner on 20th and 21st century concepts of drama and general deportment? When???

And where is King Khandu? Has he abdicated the throne?


04 Sep 03 - 12:21 PM (#1012707)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST

the influence of William Shatner on 20th and 21st century concepts of drama and general deportment

certainly an appropriate subject for MOAB!

Answer: none. Thank all the dieties!


04 Sep 03 - 02:55 PM (#1012788)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

PRaise your stars th'art nameless, oh, nameless one!! FOr one there is here who, finding where you keep your foul abode, would surely set forth on a mission to hunt you down and destroy you for such blasphemy!!

A


04 Sep 03 - 03:03 PM (#1012790)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: MMario

Amos? have they changed your meds? Or Been in the sun too much? or possibly even been ingesting recreational chemicals?


04 Sep 03 - 03:36 PM (#1012811)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Well, no, MM, thanks for enquiring. I was just anticipating Little Hawks probable response to the gibe at His Billfulness.

A


04 Sep 03 - 09:19 PM (#1013027)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

We have decided to toss that so-called "translator" we bought at Ralphs in the trash and use our own. And, save for those times when we wish to make a point, we'll just use your typeface, fonts, and so forth.

Perhaps you are wondering how we, as freds, obtain access to your "Mudcat." The answer, of course, is quite simple.

As for Bubba Bubba (we might as well call ither by the name you know), sheit is in perfect health. Moreover, in the fungoid state is it not possible to tell an untruth: if "Khandu" and "bee-dubya-ell" are named as genetic donors for the hatchlings, such must be the case. "bee-dubya-ell" might still exist as viable protein, but Bubba Bubba obviously obtained his (is "bee-dubya-ell" male?) chromosonal pattern somewhere, and as such he is both legally and morally responsible for the hatchlings' maintenance until they are of age to feist for themselves.

Now we must reveal a Great Secret to you. You are members of an elect group, and are bound to take whatever action about this you feel appropriate and necessary. If you are squeamish about taking such action, read no further.

The Great Secret is this:

William Shatner, who passes as an actor, singer, and other things on this your world, is in actually a member of the same race as Ralphs, those who run that goddamn cheapo gyp joint out Cygnus way.


05 Sep 03 - 11:39 AM (#1013376)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

no surprise.


05 Sep 03 - 12:13 PM (#1013395)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

No! It can't be true. Har! Omigod. Har! It's like having hiccups, only worse! Har! Lord take me now!!! (Har!)


05 Sep 03 - 12:46 PM (#1013419)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dear Freds,

If Bubba Bubba's hatchlings do, in fact, have my Y chromosome then it is an obvious case of cross-dimensional-fertilization. In other words, the "Bubba Bubba" which exists in dimension Þ must have mated with the "Bee-dubya-ell" which also exists in dimension Þ and produced offspring which have somehow manifested themselves in our decidedly non-Þ dimension.

As you are doubtlessly aware, the Pangalactic Treaty of Cosmic Year 8576409 excludes lower life forms like Homo Sapiens from liabilities incurred by their higher dimensional counterparts. As we poor dumb humans are not even aware of the existence of dimension Þ (or any higher dimension for that matter) we cannot, by Cosmic Law, be held responsible for any activities performed by our higher-dimension counterparts.

Please ascertain from "Bubba Bubba" exactly what dimension this purported mating took place in and refer your request for hatchling support payments the the "Bee-dubya-ell" of the appropriate dimension.

Thank You


05 Sep 03 - 12:54 PM (#1013428)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

BRuce,

You have elevated the shady-dad-paternity-ducking letter to COSMIC proportions!! I stand amazed and awed!! It gives a whole new meaning to the concept of passing the buck!! Cosmic, man!!! Cosmic!! Like....wooooaaaah!!


A


05 Sep 03 - 01:11 PM (#1013441)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Þ Þ Þ Þ Þ Þ Þ Þ ! Snur!


06 Sep 03 - 01:09 PM (#1013964)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ralphs

Refresh. Har! How can we annoy you people if you let the thread fall off of the page? Har! Har!


06 Sep 03 - 05:14 PM (#1014023)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

To remove the smell of "freds" from clothing, dog, person, home foundation, horse, saddle or anything else that comes in contact with the wrong end of a "freds", follow this old tip first aired in the 50's on a CBC program.

Use peppermint extract which is found in every grocery store beside the vanilla extract. Use 1 teaspoon to a washer full of skunked clothing. Wash with cold water the first time, and if the smell is not completely gone, wash the clothing a second time in warm water using more extract.

This is less expensive than the more traditional tomato juice remedy, it will not stain and provides your wardrobe the benefit of smelling like an after dinner mint. Yum!


Tweed


06 Sep 03 - 05:24 PM (#1014025)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Ralphs (HAR!) Stink Remover

  • 1 quart   3% Hydrogen Peroxide   
  • 1/4 cup Baking Soda
  • 2 tbsp Dish Detergent. (The stuff for washing dishes in the sink, not something for dishwashers.)

Mix the ingredients in a large bowl, because it will boil up like Vesuvius. We are, after all, making an oxygen generator. Wash the dog/mule/cow/goat/hog with this while it is still foaming, because it is the oxygen which reacts with the thiols in the Ralphs stink to neutralize the odor. If it sits around, it will loose it's efficacy because the oxygen boils off. Don't try to store it in an airtight container, because it will blow up (har!). The brew also works for clothes, khandus and Mudcats.

Amos, What is a thiol and why do ralphs have this sorta chemistry?

Tweed


06 Sep 03 - 05:52 PM (#1014036)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

The body chemistry of Ralphs is such that they sweat CH3CH2CH2CH2SH, flatulate H2S, mictruate C3H7COOH, and respire C9H9N. We do not have the names you use for these compounds in our data bases, and hence use the chemical symbology. Briefly put, Ralphs stink. They physically stink, just like that cheapo damned translator those infected, mammy-jammin' adenoids sold us figuratively stinks.

By the way, you will be interested to know that the usual method used by Ralphs is the one they are now employing: they annoy civilizations to death.


06 Sep 03 - 06:18 PM (#1014045)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ralphs

Har! Har! Har! Very funny, human Tweed. Har!

Freds, you still suck and Ralphs hates freds worse than Gollum hates Baggins! Har!

Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore. Har! Ralphs have a new secret weapon. Har! Ralphs were in a "music store" today and discovered somthing called a "banjo". Har! Banjos were obviously left behind by the last space-faring race that tried to annoy you humans off of this nice little planet. Har! Anyway, Ralphs bought lots of them! Har! Every Ralphs now has a banjo! Har! Ralphs ability to be annoying has been doubled! Har! If that doesn't have you humans off of the planet within a month Ralphs will all learn to sing like Tori Amos! Har! Ralphs playing banjos and singing like Tori Amos! Har! Just the thought of it should be driving you humans to suicide by the millions. Har! Har! Har! Har!


07 Sep 03 - 03:57 PM (#1014470)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

Oddly enough, freds don't hate Ralphs, as freds find it counterproductive to hate anyone. We know where the home planet of Ralphs is and will very, very shortly be giving it a slight twist, 90 degrees to the plane of its stellar dimension. It will get colder and colder and colder there, and eventually every stinking Ralph will be a stinking, icy, snotball instead of the stinking snotballs they are now. It will serve them all right for selling us freds that tawdry excuse for a translator.

Once this is done the Ralphs who remain will wither and die from lack of contact with their home planet. (This is as close a picture of their planet as is easily available on Earth.)

Earth people should be glad that Ralphs have only discovered banjos -- they could also have discovered tiples.


07 Sep 03 - 04:55 PM (#1014505)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ralphs

Stinking freds,

Har! Ralphs have thoroughly researched the claim that freds made on September Third which states:

William Shatner, who passes as an actor, singer, and other things on this your world, is in actually a member of the same race as Ralphs... Har!

Ralphs were not well-aquainted with this particular human and have spent several days perusing examples of his "acting" and "singing". Har! Ralphs have come to the inescapable conclusion that freds have lied as usual. Har! William Shatner is far too annoying to be of Ralphsian stock. Har! Perhaps he is a descendant of the race that left the banjos on this planet. Har! If an individual as annoying as this "Shatner" can be held in high regard by many of the inhabitants of this planet then perhaps Ralphs have greatly underestimated their tolerance for annoyance. Har!


07 Sep 03 - 07:46 PM (#1014588)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I dunno, Ralphs, our tolerance level for annoyance is pretty darned high. Take a look at our politicians, for instance. Or those who drive automobiles. Or -- God help us! -- research the fans of the Chicago Cubs or the Cincinnati Bengals or the Boston Red Sox sports teams in the US and their equivalents in other countries. I'd suggest that you watch some of our television, but your heads (if you have any) might explode.


07 Sep 03 - 08:41 PM (#1014619)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I am relieved. Har! I didn't think Shatner was Ralphs. Har! He is simply too great to be a member of something as insipid as Ralphs. Har! Hey, Ralphs, I want to draw your attention to something. Har! You (Ralphs) said the following: "Banjos were obviously left behind by the last space-faring race that tried to annoy you humans off of this nice little planet. Har!" That's right, Ralphs said "off of". Har!

Well, "off of" is an incorrect use of grammar. Har! Ralphs should have said "off this nice little planet" not "off of this nice little planet". Har! Ralphs are wrong. Har! Ralphs have poor grammar usage. Har! Shatner rules, Ralphs don't. Har! Har! Har!

Aren't Ralphs glad that I am now back after my canoe trip? Har!

- LH


07 Sep 03 - 09:15 PM (#1014632)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ralphs

Little Hawk (Har!),

Please refer to Ralphs post of 28 Aug 03 - 07:49 PM which states (Har!):

Ralphs are not like freds. Har! Ralphs understand your grammatical system and can spell, punctuate and capitalize as well as most of you do. Har!

Please note the specific reference to "most of you". Har! It does not say "Ralphs' grammar and spelling are impeccable". Har! Yes, Ralphs made a mistake, but it's a mistake that only a very small handful of pedantic grammar Nazis would even notice. Har!

Listen. Har! Ralphs have about given up on trying to annoy you people off of this planet since you seem to be extremely annoyance resistant. Har! As we have enjoyed our stay here and have developed a fondness for a few of you humans, we would be willing to take the pipsqueak Little Hawk with us and drop him off on another planet some light years away. Har! Har! Har!


07 Sep 03 - 09:31 PM (#1014638)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

This demonstrates one of the significant differences between freds and Ralphs: freds has perserverance, stick-to-itiveness. freds are also possessed of humility, as evidenced in freds' lack of a capital letter. And although freds do act as hitpeople for the Galactic Overlord and will eventually have to blow this lovely planet into pieces no larger than a grain of sand, freds are, overall, rather charming and nice people.

Ralphs are stinkers who sell crappy translators and carry the nickname of "Galactic Nuisances."

Oh, some of you might be interesting in knowing that Bubba Bubba managed to escape last night. Itshe has apparently taken herit's last shape, and was overheard by a rather stunned-looking witness as muttering something about "damned double-dealing bee-dubya-ell and khandu" and "doing a bobbit on them," whatever that means.


07 Sep 03 - 10:34 PM (#1014658)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Cosmic Honcho

Hi, ya'll.

Please don't confuse me with that tinhorn phony the "Galactic Overlord". What a wuss! No wonder those freds are so screwed up, workin' for that dimbulb.

Now, listen! I'm gonna put it to you people straight. You screwed up. You had your chance and you blew it. What am I talking about? Ralphs, that's what. Ralphs are gone, bye-bye, adios, outta here, Elvis. "So?" you ask, "Good riddance to bad rubbish. Hope they didn't let the door hit 'em in the ass." Yeh, yeh, yeh. Wrong!

Pay attention! Ralphs work for me, the Cosmic Honcho, the Big Dog of the Universe, the Head Hoodoo, whatever you wanna call me. I send Ralphs out when I sense that a planetary civilization is ready to make the jump. Yeh, I said, "the jump". As in ready to leave the nest, fly on their own, boldly go where no man etc. Ralphs were supposed to give you morons that last little shove that you needed to get your asses movin' toward the stars.

But, no! You nitwits are immune to annoyance because you annoy your own selves damn near to death practically all the time. You sit and watch those damned television sets and bitch about how annoying they are and keep on watching them anyway. Why don't you just try hittin' yourselves in the heads with ball-peen hammers instead? That'll annoy the shit out of ya and might have the side effect of knockin' some sense into ya.   

If Ralphs had succeeded you jagoffs would have probably had a working star-drive within a couple of years. But I has wrong. You people aren't ready for the stars yet. You're still too busy annoying each other to work together on a project of that scale.

Well, bye. Maybe I'll send Ralphs back around in a coupla hundred years and see if you shitbirds have got it together by then. But, maybe I won't.


08 Sep 03 - 10:12 AM (#1014748)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I think that maybe perhaps Ralphs have infected Mudcat. It's certainly annoying when it goes down.


08 Sep 03 - 12:13 PM (#1014815)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I wonder which planet Ralphs has in mind for me?


08 Sep 03 - 03:30 PM (#1014922)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Cosmic Honcho

Oh, by the way. Ralphs were right about the human known as "William Shatner". He is a descendant of the race who left the banjos behind. They are known as "Shats". As if the banjos weren't bad enough, Shats' most annoying feature is...... a...... marked...... tendency...... toward...... taking...... long...... unnecessary...... dramatic...... pauses...... between...... words. Almost as bad as Ralphs with that "Har!" crap. But not nearly as bad as Stans.

Whoa! Wait a minute! You haven't met Stans yet, have you? Oh boy!


08 Sep 03 - 06:11 PM (#1015001)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I have. I've met several Stans. They are almost always a pain in the @$$, but Stan Rogers had a great singing voice so it can't all be bad.

We are now only 2 posts away from 1100.


08 Sep 03 - 07:47 PM (#1015066)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Stans

Greetings Earthlings (Greetings Earthlings),

We are Stans (We are Stans). The Cosmic Honcho (The Cosmic Honcho) asked us to drop by (asked us to drop by). Stans are born with incurable echolalia (Stans are born with incurable echolalia). Stans say everything twice (Stans say everything twice). Stans are far more annoying than Ralphs (Stans are far more annoying than Ralphs). Fortunately (Fortunately), Stans are only here for a brief visit (Stans are only here for a brief visit). We will leave this one message (We will leave this one message) and be on our way (and be on our way). Aren't you glad (Aren't you glad)?

Bye, Bye (Bye, Bye)

Oh, by the way (Oh, by the way), just wait until you meet Steves (just wait until you meet Steves). Steves not only say everything twice (Steves not only say everything twice), they say it in different colors as well (they say it in different colors as well).


08 Sep 03 - 08:02 PM (#1015084)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

I think you've made the point about an infinite potential for BS....that false data are an unbounded set...thanks for all the hard work!!

A


08 Sep 03 - 08:58 PM (#1015112)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

A certain Mudcat luminary with a one syllable name synonymous with a type of fabric which is sometimes used to upholster guitar cases and amplifiers has been kind enough to bring the following to my attention:

All MOAB posts by freds, Ralphs, Cosmic Honcho, Galactic Overlord etc. - that is to say all posts made by "people" from someplace other than the planet Earth - have been made by one anonymous individual. That individual is not one of the "usual suspects". It is not Tweed, Amos, Little Hawk, Rapaire, Spaw, khandu, Carol C, Rustic Rebel, Mmario, yours truly or any of our ilk. It is Joe Offer! Please register your shock and dismay at your earliest convenience.


08 Sep 03 - 09:11 PM (#1015115)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Amos, as you are undoubtedly aware, the potential for BS approaches infinity. This can be expressed mathematically as


Bs



Since by definition nothing can exceed (even though the speed of light ( c ) has been passed (vide, e.g., Gunter Nimtz’s work in 1994 and after on superluminal photon tunneling)), the amount of BS in the Universe, while immense is finite. Certain research, however, strongly suggests that it is the same as Avogadro’s Number (6.02214199 × 1023). Debate rages about whether it number is representative of weight or volume of BS, however.



As mentioned, Nimtz and others have apparently been successful in their work where photons exceed c. The implications of this work is staggering in relation to BS. In their article Superluminal Photonic Tunneling And Quantum Electronics, Nimtz and Heitmann make passing reference to the problem of superluminal photons and the Past.



They do not, in my opinion, explore the matter enough, however. Photons, as we know, can be carry information. Indeed, the very first proof of superluminal tunneling carried the information of Mozart’s music. If, however, information-carrying photons can slip into the past, the amount of BS available becomes frightening. To put it bluntly, all of the BS of the Present and Future is sneaking up on us from the Past. We will have to deal in the Present not only with BS of the Present, but all BS which has ever been or which ever will be created, including this post. Don’t look back, it’s probably gaining on you.


08 Sep 03 - 09:30 PM (#1015123)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,This Author Ain't Offer

I, and I alone, am the Galactic Overlord, freds, Debbie Earl, Bubba Bubba, Moloch, and God Almighty. And I sure as hell ain't Joe Offer. Why then should I register shock and dismay? Huh? Why? Wait, I often shock and dismay myself!

Shock!

Dismay!

Shock!

Dismay!

I'll stop, because I need some shock and dismay for tomorrow.


08 Sep 03 - 09:58 PM (#1015135)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Well, your reasoning is sound indeed, Rapaire and I can only concur to the extent it is taken; but it stops short one step too soon.

The next datum which must be posited in evolving this model is that the only model which can embrace the apparent linear pattern of apparent photonic transitions and the bi-directional transitional capabilities which seem to bring the BS of the past into the short-horizon of the near future is that all BS is here now; and even though actualized BS cannot exceed infinity, potential BS which equals the sum of sets past + present + future BS is approximated by infinity x 10^3 in volume of possible permutations.

We have little fear that this set will ever appear to be bounded experientially; but it is possible that someone may be able to mathematically define a boundary to the set as a function of i.

A


08 Sep 03 - 10:02 PM (#1015137)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I'll ask my nephew Tony to do it. He's a math sort, and nuts.


08 Sep 03 - 10:44 PM (#1015152)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Huh?
I think I'm lost. I think the quantum physics leap has leapt,leaving me logically lingering in a limp and lavish frame of lethargy. I have now become a lackadaisical lotus eater.


08 Sep 03 - 10:44 PM (#1015153)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dear Author (who ain't Offer),

Okay, okay. It was just a conspiracy theory. Consider the source (Tweed). Whadda ya expect? Well thought out logical reasoning? I repeat, "Consider the source (Tweed)." Well, actually Tweed didn't say that it was Joe Offer. He said that, for all we know, it could be Joe Offer. A minor distinction by MOAB standards.

However, anyone who still wishes to register shock and dismay is welcome to do so. In fact, you may as well go ahead and register your shock and dismay now while the lines are short. We hear that everyone will have to register his or her shock and dismay no later than January First, 2004. After that date having unregistered shock and dismay will be a punishable offense and will probably result in agents from the Department of Homeland Security knocking on your door at 3:00 AM.


08 Sep 03 - 11:09 PM (#1015162)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Then, Amos, you believe that the so-called Butterfly Effect will, as some posit, create a BS locus with sheafs of all possible BS variations congruent to it? If so, then we can accept that infinity-minus-one of all possible BS exists at any given dimensional coordinate.


08 Sep 03 - 11:50 PM (#1015186)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Dear Sir:

I was moved to inform you, just now, of my complete agreement with your hypothesis; but on reflection I hastened not so to do in order to avoid the probable consequences posited by Butterfly Effect Theory when it intersects with the quantum string structure of meta-temporal spacation. The risk was too high--if the effect had in fact manifested it might have meant the appearance of the [BS set defined] on this very thread!! I could not take that risk. Therefore, I will not post informing you of my agreement. I am sure you will understand.

A


09 Sep 03 - 09:09 AM (#1015397)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Thank you. Now that that's settled theoretically, I propose a grant be given to anyone who wishes to prove it experimentally, as long as they do it elsewhere.

Oh, dear God, I just realized that such experimentation is being done on a non-regulated basis in every national, state/province, and local center of government! This far outsrips anything we can do here!


09 Sep 03 - 09:11 AM (#1015401)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Hot dog! I got to post the last digital thread for a while! The 15th!!


09 Sep 03 - 10:03 AM (#1015431)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

i WOULD LIKE TO REGISTER MY shock AND dismay WHILE THERE IS STILL TIME TO DO SO!

Damn caps lock! I am so shocked and dismayed that I forgot to check it.

I predict that this thread will go on about as long as the American intervention in Vietnam did, and with similarly useful results for all concerned, but with a much lower body count.

- LH


09 Sep 03 - 10:15 AM (#1015436)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Cool, LH! Kin we have protest marches and sit-ins and teach-ins and take over buildings and anti-MOAB songs and everything? If we wrote anit-MOAB songs we could move MOAB above the line and into repectablity.

And love-ins. I always liked them love-ins.

I'll start:

"Bring our BS home!"

"Hey, hey, Rapaire,
How much BS did you post todee?"

(Okay, okay, it doesn't rhyme otherwise.)


09 Sep 03 - 10:30 AM (#1015448)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Rapaire rhymers with todee? IT's pronounced Rap-ai-ree? I don't think so. Stay off the thread until you learn how to pronounce your name properly, young man!

Hey, hey, ole Rapaire
Which post made you lose your hair?

Yo! Yo! Leedle Hawk!
BS is the way you talk!

Yay, hey! Bruce Da Man
He can BS like no-one can!!

Yip, yip! Master Tweed
Turns out BS by the screed!

A


09 Sep 03 - 11:09 AM (#1015482)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Amos! Best in all the land
For BS you can't understand!


09 Sep 03 - 11:29 AM (#1015503)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

The idea of writing songs about the MOABS to gain it respectability on the forum is absolutely brilliant!!! I say we launch a song challenge thread on that very basis...

I predict that most of the membership will step gingerly around it as they would around a fresh, steaming piece of dog excrement on the sidewalk...but...you can never tell.

I think Amos can come up with a good song on the MOABS in no time flat.

- LH


09 Sep 03 - 03:09 PM (#1015645)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Oh the time will come up when the posts will stop
And the BS will cease to be BSin'
Like a stillness in the wind 'fore it really hits the fan
The hour when MOAB comes in.
Then the folks will split and the BS will hit
And the manure in the fields will be increasin'
Then the tide will sound and the waves will pound
And the BS dikes will be breakin'.

O the 'Catters will cry as they step into a "pie"
And waste treatment plants'll be a-pumpin'
And you won't see rocks or sand when it really hits the fan
The hour when MOAB comes in.
And the stuff that is used for to get MOAB confused
Will become another part of the problem
For the chains of BS will have busted in a mess,
And you'll be buried at the bottom of an "ocean."

The BS will lift as the MOAB shifts
And the stuff drifts into every threadline
And there will be respect for the smallest fleck
The hour when MOAB comes in.
Then the BS will spill down every brook and rill
That your weary toes will be a-touching
And MOAB's wise folks* will remind you once again
That the whole wide world is retching.


             *I refuse to be a party to Dylan's chauvistic original.


09 Sep 03 - 03:15 PM (#1015648)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Aw, get out, Rapaire! "Wise men" is simply a good rhyming partner for "once again", and that's why he used it, not because of chauvinism.

Great effort, though. I like it.

- LH


09 Sep 03 - 03:47 PM (#1015668)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

I just snagged this from a posting over at Tweed's place, the notorious Tweed's Blues. It just had to be posted on the MOAB. I don't know who this guy is, but he is definitely a candidate for the BS Hall of Fame. Click here.


09 Sep 03 - 03:51 PM (#1015670)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Oh, my name it means nuthin'
And my posts, they mean less
And my personal best, it
Is in posting BS
I was raised to invent it,
I now will confess
And the best I can offer you
Is purely BS.

Now the lads of the MOAB
They are wild and untamed
And none there lie easy
There are none unashamed
For they roar like the warm wind
From the south and the west,
But all that they roar is,
Most purely BS

Now the BS is thick there
Down south of the salt
It will make your eyes water,
And your stomach will vault
So I'm telling you now, boys,
Turn away, and head West,
Or the rest of your lifetime
Will be purely BS....


09 Sep 03 - 07:07 PM (#1015852)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

FEEL LIKE I'M FIXIN' TO SPOUT BS RAG
(With apologies to Country Joe McDonald)

Come on you whacko women and men
MOAB, it needs your help again.
That's the Mother of BS Threads,
Where people are weird and outta their heads.
So put down your guitar and pick up a mouse,
Spreadin' BS all through the house.

And its l, 2, 3 what are we writin' for?
The reason is anyone's guess. Hell, I reckon we love BS!
And its 5, 6, 7 no need to speculate,
We're havin' a ball and it ain't no lie, just watchin' the BS fly.

Come on people, get with the plan,
There's BS fryin' in the fryin' pan.
Talkin' 'bout Ralphs and talkin' 'bout freds.
Talkin' BS till we're out of our heads.
It's BS tomorrow and it's BS today.
God! The BS won't go away.

And its l, 2, 3 what are we writin' for?
The reason is easy to guess. Good God! We just love BS!
And its 5, 6, 7 no need to speculate,
We're crazy as hell and it ain't no lie, just watchin' the BS fly.

Now when Country Joe first wrote this song,
It had four verses and that's too long,
To carry on like a brainless twit,
About how much we love bullshit.
So I guess I better stop right here,
Cause the BS is up to my ears.

And its l, 2, 3 what are we writin' for?
The reason is easy to guess. Yeehaw! God, we love BS!
And its 5, 6, 7 no need to speculate,
We're out of our minds and it ain't no lie, just watchin' the BS fly.


09 Sep 03 - 08:47 PM (#1015911)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Hey, BWL!! That was great!! Raises one question, though...if we're all so great how come we ain't wealthy??

A


09 Sep 03 - 09:13 PM (#1015925)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

(So sorry, Pete!)

It was back in two thousand an' three
I was part of a good-time group.
We were on the net in Idyhoo
One night by the light of the tube.
King Khandu told us to build a thread,
And that's how it all begun.
We were knee deep in the Big MOAB,
But the big fool said to move on.

Ol' Tweed said, "Khandu, are you sure,
This is the best way back to build this thread?"
"Tweed, go on; I once built a thread
Just a little bit of a place.
It'll be a little stinkin' but just keep thinkin'
We'll soon be outa BS."
We were waist deep in the Big MOAB
And the big fool said to push on.

Amos said, "Khandu, with all this BS
No one'll be able to breathe."
"Amos, don't be a party pooper,"
King Khandu said to him.
"All we need is a little bit more BS;
Amos, follow me, I'll lead on."
We were neck deep in the Big MOAB
And the big fool said to push on.

All of a sudden, the Mudcat crashed,
We heard a mournful sound.
A few seconds later, the King Khandu's mouse
Was found on the muddy ground.
Bee-dubya-ell said, "Turn it on, men,
And women, and freds, and Debbie Earl."
And we just made it out of the Big MOAB
With Khandu 'n' Bubba Bubba gone.

We never ever found his body
But then we didn't look.
I guess he didn't know that the BS was deeper
Than any place he'd ever been took.
So many posts had joined the Big MOAB
That the 'Cat just shook and shook.
We'd been lucky to escape from the Big MOAB
When the damn fool said to push on.

Waist deep in the Big MOAB
And Khandu says to push on
Waist deep in the Big MOAB
And Tweed, he says to push on
Waist deep! Neck deep!
Soon even a tall man'll be over his head
Waist deep in the BIG MOAB!
AND LITTLE HAWK SAYS TO PUSH ON!


09 Sep 03 - 09:46 PM (#1015936)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

All righty then -- and we don't need no Cow Chip reewards because it is ALL cowchip!!

A


10 Sep 03 - 06:58 PM (#1016546)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Terror, Inc.

BWAH-HAHAHAHA!!

It's a MOAB of laughter, a MOAB of tears
It's a MOAB of hopes and a MOAB of fears
There's so much BS that we share
That it's time we were aware
It's a small MOAB after all
It's a small MOAB after all
It's a small MOAB after all
It's a small MOAB after all
It's a small, small MOAB
There is just one Khandu
And one golden Tweed
And BS means friendship and BS need
Though the freds divide
and the BS is wide
It's a small MOAB after all


10 Sep 03 - 07:18 PM (#1016559)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

I've been mulling the proposition so astutely stated by Rapaire that the potential for BS approaches infinity. While it is quite true that from a quanttitative standpoint there is probably a heaping portion of BS for every subatomic particle in the known Universe, BS from a qualitative standpoint is a different matter all together. We must ask ourselves, "Is the purpose of MOAB to compile as much BS as possible in one steaming pile, or to seek out the best BS?"

I believe that it is our responsibility to the Mudcat community, nay, to humanity at large, to find the one, the ultimate, the Grand Celestial Poobah of all BS. I believe each lunatic who posts here on a regular basis should immediately devote himself/herself/itself to

THE SEARCH FOR THE HOLY BS!


I, for one, will make no further pasts to this thread until I have found what I think is at least a worthy candidate for

THE HOLY BS!


10 Sep 03 - 08:02 PM (#1016575)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Tweed The GoldenOne

HAW!! Yore threats are obv no content BeeDubba, my Florida Brother. There is no need to go to the Mountain in search ob the Holiest ob Holy BS. Just look in the mirror! You will say, "Holy Shit! There it is!!! It wabaz me all along..." ;~)
Yerz,
GoldenBoy Tweedzzrzz


10 Sep 03 - 11:12 PM (#1016657)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Mrs. Bee

HELP! Bee-dubya's rollin' on th' floor holdin' his belly goin', "Tweed fonny! Tweed fonny!" What in th' heck have you crazy mofos done to th' pore boy this time.

Hell, I got home this evenin' an' Bee-dubya said he'd gone out to buy a horse to go on a quest to look fer somethin' called "The Holy BS". Said he went to our neighbors' to see if they had a horse for sale but all they were willin' to sell was one of those damned hee-hawing jackasses that they raise fer whatever damned reason anybody'd wanna raise jackasses. So he bought one of the damned things. And then he went lookin' fer a sword to take on this quest and the closest thing we had to a sword was a rusty ole prunin' saw.

Well, I guess he'll be ridin' off on his ass in th' mornin' wavin' his prunin' saw and lookin for whatever in the hell The Holy BS is. Hope he makes it home by Friday afternoon.

Listen, just between me and you, the boy ain't right.    He's a little tetched in th' head ya know. Anything ya'll can do to kinda point ole Bee's head in the general direction of reality would be appreciated.

Mrs. Bee


11 Sep 03 - 09:09 AM (#1016878)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Mrs. Bee, I shore as heck hope y'all ain't got many windwills down yore way.

Another thing he's gonna need 'sides a sword is a pure heart. The only one of King Arthur's knights to find the Grail wuz Sir Galahad, and he was the purest an' most virginal of Art's boys. Ol' Bee-dubya might be that, cuz I ain't about to pry inta his life, but I sorta doubt it.

But then agin, he's lookin' for the Holy BS, so mebbe he's the one to find it.

Keep us informed now, ya hear? An' if I see him out this way I'll let ya know how he's doin'.


11 Sep 03 - 11:49 AM (#1016991)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Why are we here? This is a question that needs answering.


11 Sep 03 - 12:03 PM (#1017001)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST

I am I! Bee- Dubya - a lord of the Mudcat! My destiny calls and I go! and the the wild wind from spawdom may bellow out after - whither soever I go.....


11 Sep 03 - 12:29 PM (#1017016)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Mrs. Bee

Look, ya'll. That GUEST person was an obvious impostor. Yes, Bee-dubya is severely afflicted with Multiple Personality Disorder, but I know all of 'em and GUEST is a phony! Neither Bee-dub nor any of his imaginary mental minions post entirely in italics. Bold size #8 fuchsia, yes, but never all italics. Bee-dubya is off huntin' for the HOLY BS and he has asked me to tell you crazy damned fools that he is serious about not posting to the MOAB until he has found it. So, anybody pretendin' to be Bee-dubya-ell ain't him until such time as he reveals his candidate for the HOLY BS. Got it?

Mrs. Bee


11 Sep 03 - 07:11 PM (#1017218)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Look, I can save him a whole lot of trouble. The Holy BS is none other than (drum roll)

* * * Bill Shatner * * *

Yes, the mighty Bill Shatner! Note that his informal initials ARE "B.S."!!! Note that his unique style of emoting has never been equalled. Imitated, yes, but never equaled!

HE is the Holy BS! It's indisputable, undeniable, and unavoidable.

Shatner rules!

- LH


11 Sep 03 - 10:57 PM (#1017308)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Well now I reckon if you are travelin' my way this week-end you'll find some holy BS. I'll let you sit in with the band Bee-dubya. Let me tell you about our new band.
We were sittin' around one night and got to playin' some crazy shit with a washtub bass, piano, washboard and guitar and the stranger we got the stranger the music got. It was like an aria with scenes and acts and it went on for about two hours (one song). During the song I came up with the name of our band, we are now known as, "Erect Fossils". So I decide it's time to throw our annual September party (Harvest Moon Gathering) and I telling people about this band Erect Fossils, that play one song, an hour and a half long, the song is called "Erection". I have people curious about the band, hell they never heard of that band before.
So I'm committed now, we built a stage in the front yard, close to the fire, close to the horseshoe pits, close to trails and the house. Pretty cool. So I started to talk to some other people to come and play and it's looking like we have 3 bands, a couple of solo acts, a comedy act, and some strippers all coming out this weekend for what looks like it's going to be one hell-of-a-party!
To make a long story longer, Erect Fossils (me and friends) are going to get on stage completely clueless to what we did the first time so we're going to just hope it comes to us like in a dream or something.
So you come on over Bee-Dub oh holy one and find yourself some down home, purer than mushroom, bullshit.
Rustic


12 Sep 03 - 12:17 AM (#1017330)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Woopee dang doodle, BW! That's an invitation not to be lightly considered -- I wouldn't turn it down, an' I were you!

A


12 Sep 03 - 12:27 AM (#1017333)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Mrs. Bee

Dear Rustic Rebel,

Unless you live in Eufaula, Alabama Bee-dubya will not be makin it to yore party this weekend. He is regretful, especially since you say you are gonna have strippers there and he is mighty partial to nekkid wimmen. He says you are welcome to our next party as long as you bring the strippers with you.

Bee-dubya has decided that he is being called to Eufaula, Alabama because the HOLY BS just might be there. He's not real sure, but he thinks that "Eufaula" is the Creek Indian word for "bullshit" and that makes the area some sorta spiritual BS locus. Then again, maybe not.

Mrs. Bee


12 Sep 03 - 09:30 AM (#1017565)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Well now Mrs. Bee,
I don't recall saying anything about them being women strippers! Hell, I've been busy all night making roadkill loinclothes for these guys. I'll tell you what Mrs. Bee, maybe you should come over while your husband is making his way south, you might be pleasantly surprised!
Off I go now, I get to custom fit every one of those loin cloths before the show starts.
Rustic (who will posting back in about 3 days, headache or not!)


14 Sep 03 - 01:39 PM (#1018684)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

I have returned from my pilgrimage to Eufaula, Alabama and have located a viable candidate for the HOLY BS! Actually, it wasn't in Eufaula, Alabama at all, but I found it while reflecting on the John Prine concert that I missed on Friday night due to the necessity of the Eufaula pilgrimage. Actually, had I not undertaken the pilgrimage, I wouldn't have gone to see J.P. anyway because Ticketmaster wanted around $40.00 (USD) per ticket. Sorry, John, but that's too damned much! Well, as my little mind pondered the issue of concert ticket prices, the identity of the HOLY BS appeared out of the mist like a stopped school bus!

Little Hawk was right about the "B.S." initials thing, but it wasn't Bill Shatner. The HOLY BS is none other than Barbara Sreisand! Yes, folks, that's it! Think about it: Do you know a single person who can stand the woman's music or acting? I don't. So how in the hell does she do sold-out concerts where tickets for good seats go for thousands of bucks? Because all her fans are gazillionares! That's why I don't know any Streisand fans. Because my friends thing it's a big deal to spend $2,000 on a guitar, not $2,000,000 on a friggin' yacht! If Shatner's undeserved prominence is due to cult admiration by the unwashed masses, Streisand's success is due to similar devotion on the part of the very rich. I rest my case and await your comments.


14 Sep 03 - 01:52 PM (#1018692)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Bee-dubya-ell, with all due respect, and not wantin' to start any fights or nothin', you're nuts. But you might be partly right about the BS. After all, it might be that the Ultimata Thule, the ne plus ultra, the Absolute Zero (so to speak) of BS might be a concert with both Bill and Barbie appearing together?


14 Sep 03 - 08:45 PM (#1018951)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Bee-Dub, you are absolutely right!!!!!!! Barbra Streisand is the all-time no-holds-barred QUEEN of BS! And for totally opposite reasons to the ones which make Bill Shatner the KING of BS. I'd rather eat an old shoe than sit through one of her movies or listen to one of her albums. The sheer wonder of it all has me in a rare state of inspiration similar to what must have come over Sir Snidely Tillinghast when he realized that finches do not normally nest in Antarctica. I am hyperventilating and have an acute desire to snort cashews. In short, I am stunned!

Look, I can't afford to book Barbra, but I think for a mere couple of hundred bucks I could talk Shatner into attending your upcoming concert and popping out of a cake wearing a very small, black G-string. Maybe even get him to sing a song.

What say?

- LH


14 Sep 03 - 08:50 PM (#1018958)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Hey, I'll kick in ten buck US for that!


14 Sep 03 - 09:03 PM (#1018967)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

My mind has been reeling in utter shock and dismay for the last seven hours.... ever since Rapaire made mention of the upcoming Shatner/Streisand concert. I can see the booking now!

STREISAND!!!!
SHATNER!!!!
NOT JUST BS!!!!
NOT JUST BS DOUBLED!!!!
IT'S BS SQUARED!!!!



The folks at Ticketmaster are seeing huge dollar signs!


14 Sep 03 - 09:17 PM (#1018972)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Florido Domingo

¡Estoy trastornado porque esta discusión muy importante no ha incluido comentarios de los Americanos Latinos! ¡Esto es injusto! Es tiempo que el mundo de habla hispana consiguió contribuir algunos pensamientos aquí. Me prepongo hablar y hablar y hablar hasta que le consigo la gente escuchar. Me determinan para triunfar. No daré adentro y no me entregaré. ¡Soy Florido Domingo y me río de sus tentativas débiles de intimidar el valiente quiénes no lo hacen flinch del peligro!

p.s. ¡También, Shatner es un idiota!


14 Sep 03 - 10:17 PM (#1018988)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Maybe we could get BS (Male) to wear that little black g-string and BS (Female) to perform in wearing only a little black thong. Both of them, in a sense, wearing a black velvet band.


14 Sep 03 - 10:31 PM (#1018992)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Por Florido:

Quizá podríamos obtener BS (masculinas) para llevar ese tanga y BS (hembra) negro pequeño para realizar a llevar sólo una correa negra pequeña. Ambos, en un sentido, llevando una banda negra del terciopelo.


15 Sep 03 - 12:03 PM (#1019273)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Florido Domingo

¡Una qué noción impactante! Continúo siendo sorprendido en el extravagance vile de la cultura norteamericana. Pensaría que uno podría encontrar fácilmente una manera más atractiva de ofender a gente que combinando Shatner y Streisand en un espectáculo visual de tal naturaleza que horrorizaba. ¿Cuándo sucederá?


15 Sep 03 - 01:22 PM (#1019335)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

¿Así pues, Florido, hay ésos en el mundo de habla hispana (y mí no excluya España sí mismo) que usted propondría como el rey o la reina de BS? Maravillas de un mundo que esperan.


15 Sep 03 - 01:41 PM (#1019345)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Sus madres!! Porque no pueden hablar in Ingles como los gentes educados? Eh?? Pinches cabrons!

A


15 Sep 03 - 02:27 PM (#1019361)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Kim Pak Lee

Amos 의 너는 외국인 혐오자, 미국 firster 의 첫번째 물, 다른 사람을 너에 이기적인 소위 " Americana Pax 밟아 달라고 하 고 않않는 누구의 anglophile 이다, " a jackbooted 미국의 수 풀과 Cheney's 시각의 stormtrooper을. 밴조가 너에 의하여 그 리고 논다 !


15 Sep 03 - 05:11 PM (#1019441)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Florido Domingo

Amos, tu hijo de puta, si le cojo tu estará en apuro grande. Emasculate le con un cuchillo embotado. Donaré sus cojones al Instituto de Estudios Mexicanos en Guadalajara. ¡El tuyo será un sino más horrible!


15 Sep 03 - 06:42 PM (#1019520)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Gli alberini nelle lingue straniere sono divertenti - fino ad un punto. Quel punto viene in qualche luogo fra il quinto e sesto alberino. Tipi potete continuare a inviarli ma la I, per una, ha avuta abbastanza pesca de Babele per un istante.


15 Sep 03 - 06:47 PM (#1019523)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Ah, Florido pinche, tu eres un hombre mas terrifico que todo los autros!!

I love it when you talk dirty!!


A


15 Sep 03 - 06:53 PM (#1019533)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Courtesy of Babel Fish, I shall hereafter refer to "posts" as "starter shafts". I shall also refer to "Babel fishing" as "peach de Confusion".

Here's what my post said before Babel fish "translated" it into Italian:

Posts in foreign languages are funny - up to a point. That point comes between the fifth and sixth post. You guys can continue to post them, but I've had enough Babel fishing for a while.


15 Sep 03 - 07:10 PM (#1019542)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Actually, I'm very glad that the freds had a translator.


15 Sep 03 - 11:25 PM (#1019648)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

I see all this Spanish Lingo going on, and I don't know what the fuck you're all saying but...
Ha! What a party! Where were you all?
I have a story (or two)
I had the strippers for a couple getting married in two weeks, and they got out there dancing (a man and woman-the man wearing the roadkill loincloth forementioned) and the bride to be, got naked on stage before the strippers did!
It was due to reckless abandon I think.
another story...
My new stage now has a sqiggly rubber track on it from a harvest moon Harly Davidson wild man. It was about 5 guys holding the bike down and I think he found fourth gear. The stage was smokin'.
third story...
Erect Fossils played until dawn and we did exactly as weird as we knew we would.
Rustic
P.s. I am posting headache free because the party seems to be still going.


15 Sep 03 - 11:52 PM (#1019664)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Git down, RR!!~ Wild times been had by all, I guess!! :>))


A


16 Sep 03 - 08:54 AM (#1019813)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Where exactly is this party, RR? Alaska?

I didn't know that Reckless was going -- she lives here. Her and her twin sister, Gay, in the old Abandon house their family has lived in for a century, down in the Old Town section of the city. They're nice old ladies, always good for a cup of tea and a ladyfinger in the afternoon.


16 Sep 03 - 09:22 AM (#1019833)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

This just in:

Bush Lays Off Congress; will Outsource Lawmaking to India

Reuters International Release

Washington - Citing the growing cost of running the Federal government and the need to cut costs in order to reduce the budget deficit, President Bush announced today that he was laying off all 535 members of Congress and transferring lawmaking operations to a legislative support center in Bangalore, India. "Hey, outsourcing is the way to go these days," said Bush at an impromptu news conference where he announced the decision, adding, "the American people want to see less government waste. Since every one of those ex-Congressmen had a salary of $150,000, this move will cut our costs by over $80 million per year, and that's not even counting what we'll save on health insurance and retirement plans." Sources indicate that the Indian replacements will be paid approximately $250 per month.

However, the changes won't take effect immediatly, Bush said. "Members of congress could remain on the job an extra 30 days if they agree to train their replacements. If you think about it, this really frees congress up. They now have the opportunity to seek better jobs elsewhere in the economy. It really is a win-win for both countries," he went on to say.

The outcry from the newly laid-off Senators and Representatives was swift. Ex-California Senator Diane Feinstein said, "This is absolutely outrageous. How can a bunch of replacements over in India run Congress? What do they know about filibusters and committee hearings?" As she was being escorted out of the Hart Senate Office Building by U.S. Capitol Police officers, Feinstein complained that the newly-terminated lawmakers, those who chose not to train their replacements, were only given ten minutes to clean out their desks and leave the building.

"I think it's a great idea," said Vice President Dick Cheney, speaking from a secure undisclosed location. "The American people were fed up with that expensive do-nothing Congress which didn't always give the President everything he asked for. Our new Indian replacements will be much more cooperative to the President, which is what we all want."

Asked whether the outsourcing may be unconstitutional, Cheney noted,
"That's up to the Supreme Court to decide, but as you know, they usually see things our way."

The new members of Congress seem thrilled with the attention they are
receiving. Speaking from the offices of All-India Legislative Support
Centre Ltd. in Bangalore, new Mississippi Senator Ramchandra Shekar Gupta told reporters, "The Indian people are very hard working and we will do our best as U.S. Congressmen and Congresswomen. And we are going to have some Fun too. Just think: we have $2 trillion of the American taxpayers' money to spend!"


16 Sep 03 - 11:52 AM (#1019933)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST

Darwin Awards,....BS or truth...who knows, but it ain't in spanish...yet.

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his
constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than
a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally let fly and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked
Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay
unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of
him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no
one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour
before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It
seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."


16 Sep 03 - 12:38 PM (#1019983)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

doubt it - that story has been floating around forever. Almost as long as Amos has been alive. (hmmmmmmm.....wonder if there is a connection)


16 Sep 03 - 07:47 PM (#1020286)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,fly on the wall

This just in from Hull, U.K.! A mysterious person going under the alias "One who must remain nameless" posted this little poetic gem on the latest Punch the Horse thread:

In Cottingham Road by Chanterlands
I spied a damsel fair
With rosy cheeks and ruby lips
And ribbons in her hair
Said I, "Must be an angel that's
Descended from on high
To walk these fabled roads alone
Beneath the autumn sky."

I thought perchance to speak with her
And ask from where she came
And what could be her heritage
Her purpose and her name
Made bold, I ambled up to her
And did my hat remove
To show a gallant style of which
I hoped she would approve

"Young man," she said, "you'd best be off
lest you should catch a cold,
For damp's the heath in Chanterlands,
And stories have been told
Of lads who perished in the dew
While hunting bonny quail
Because their coats got soggy through
Which warmth could not avail."

"Oh, no," I cried, "For I am made
Of sterner stuff than that!"
"Indeed?" said she, "But list to me
And put back on your hat.
For on your pate I cannot help
But spy the shiny spot
Upon which is emblazoned
"Neath here stands a drunken sot!"

"What say you?" and I gasped in shock
She said, "It's plain to see
Some rascal's played a joke on you!
Here, look at this, prithee."
She held a pocket mirror up
And in its light I saw
The shiny spot that did declare
That message...'twas nae braw!

"My God!" I cried, "Some vile affront
This is, I'm sorely vexed!"
Said she, "You've kept bad company, I fear,
First drink and next,
A slow descent into depravity
And common vice
May soon deprive you of your health,
So take my good advice..."

"Eschew the company of scoundrels,
Scamps and libertines,
Peruse instead the classics
And subscribe to magazines
That honour art and culture
And the noble spirit's call
And most of all, avoid the poems
Of Malcolm Buggeroll!"

"That name!" I shrieked, "I might have known!
'Twas just on Friday last
When he and I did share a drink...or two...
And brief repast
That villain's had a joke on me
And shaved my head in jest!
And on it painted slanderous words
To rob me of my rest!"

So off I stumbled, red in face,
In shame I did retreat
But I shall find that Scottish swine
And mercillessly beat
Him to a pulp for causing me
Such sharp embarrassment
Before that splendid damsel
She is gone now, I lament!

In Cottingham Road by Chanterlands
There was a damsel fair
With rosy cheeks and ruby lips
And ribbons in her hair
Now nevermore her shall I see
And wretched is my fate
For Ms Penelope Rutledge has
Returned to Twillingsgate!


16 Sep 03 - 08:16 PM (#1020301)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Oh, my -- that is SO handsome!!


A


17 Sep 03 - 12:42 PM (#1020840)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Oh dear. The Great Mother is about to slip over the edge into obscurity. Can't have that! REFRESH!


18 Sep 03 - 11:00 AM (#1021444)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Oh, it's a long, long road
From May to December
But it's longer still
When I remember
The way this thread began
On that day long ago
When Khandu launched it
And the BS flowed

Now the posts dwindle down
To a precious few
Some in English
Some in Spanish

But those few posts we have
Shall not be in vain
For the BS lives
And will rise again!

Hail Shatner!

- LH


18 Sep 03 - 11:46 AM (#1021479)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

This is what Little Hawk is best at -- mouth to BS resuscitation!! Better'n Spaw with a possum in his hand.

A


18 Sep 03 - 11:49 AM (#1021480)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

As has already been determined, the total supply of BS in the Universe is infinity-minus-one-mebbe-one-and-a-half. There's lots of it. However, that does not mean that the BS is equally and evenly distributed. BS does not adhere to the Mediocrity Principle (the principle that no place in the Universe is special - it would look more or less the same regardless of where you happen to be in it). BS comes in massive clumps and those clumps often occur in series (or sometimes in parallel). Some days there are lots of clumps. Some days there are none. Some days the bull is constipated. Some days he has diarrhea.   

But, have no fear! The BS will NOT go away.


18 Sep 03 - 09:25 PM (#1021797)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Not only will it not go away, the BS density of the Universe has been mapped!! Yes!!

I'll create a link to it when the site comes back up -- right now, it's gone down with Isabel.


19 Sep 03 - 12:38 PM (#1021902)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I apologize. The mass distribution to which I refered was not for the Universe, but only for the Milky Way galaxy. Anyway, here's a link. Other work has discovered that the so-called "dark matter" in our galaxy and throughout the Universe is BS, so that problem is solved.


19 Sep 03 - 01:55 PM (#1021950)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: CarolC

Did the freds eat khandu? I sent him a PM a while back and haven't heard from him. I notice he hasn't posted in Mudcat since the beginning of Aug. How long, if they did eat him, before they shit him back out again?


19 Sep 03 - 03:51 PM (#1021992)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Better try contacting Spaw about that, Carol. He keeps tabs on Khandu.


19 Sep 03 - 06:50 PM (#1022062)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Queen CaroltheSailorgirl, I suspect foul play in this matter of King Khandazz. It has been some little time since he complained of a sticky keyboard on his laptop and also of being severely backed up.

Naturally I advised our Lord and Ruler to run the laptop through a common automatic dishwasher and to drink a quart of kerosene daily to solve these minor maladies and have heard not a word from his Highness since. It is very curious I think.
Hail Streisand!

Yerz,
Tweed


19 Sep 03 - 07:29 PM (#1022086)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

You're a man of rare judgement and perspicacity, Tweed. The next time we need expert advice on treating any rare malady around here, I intend to contact you right away.

Did you see the latest homage to Ms PR on the Punch the Horse thread? Quite moving, it was.

- LH


19 Sep 03 - 09:19 PM (#1022138)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

I confess I did not read it Little Harque. I am so saturated with BS that I find it hard to click on anything besides this thread which has become my fate and ...destiny. Doomed forebber to post puerile absurdities...


25 Sep 03 - 08:43 PM (#1024887)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Can this be the cong`e of the Mother?
The swan song to the end?
Bullshit at the caf`e has had it's Terminus Ad Quem?
Has it's telic been reached?
The `tout ensemble has `tout `a fait and `tout de suite pretermitted?
Ah, good fellows, don't be lugubrious,
because I'm bringing it back up without a thing to vocalize.

Viva la Mother of all BS threads!


25 Sep 03 - 09:22 PM (#1024915)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

Ah, we are glad to see that you are still here. We thought to bring you up to date on Bubba Bubba (as you call ither). Sheit has been traced, and our instruments are now indicating that itshe is among you and called heritself "Rustic Rebel." We urge you to beware of this "Rustic Rebel" and know that we will come as quickly as we can after that doofus Jobob has returned with the negatizer heitshe left on Claude VIa.


25 Sep 03 - 09:39 PM (#1024921)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Quite the contrary ,oh Lord of the Fred.(s) I think I have figured you out, and I will now disclose my figuring.
I believe you are the undercover agent that was just discussing playing cards in the arena of the peace lovers convention site. I will say no more until I have more evidence to go on.
Until then speak quietly and walk with a rubber duck.
Rustic Rebel the III


25 Sep 03 - 10:16 PM (#1024928)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

RR:

I am truly and profoundedly baboonerized by the indefatigable providundity of your prununciamentoes and memorabiliousness of phrasing. You really got it, fo' sho'! :>)

A


25 Sep 03 - 10:49 PM (#1024937)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Amos,
I rhapsodize in an aphorism way, only because the pulchritude of this filar, inculcates me in a most pixilated way.


25 Sep 03 - 11:00 PM (#1024945)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

HELP!!!!

I think I understand what Amos just said!


26 Sep 03 - 01:45 AM (#1025010)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Well and good -- one of the class is finally allowing the penny to drop!! Kudos!! Hope!!

Did you also notice, Oh Top of Class, that the student to your left, RR yclept, is blaming the whole thing on you??

A


26 Sep 03 - 03:02 PM (#1025252)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

We freds never, ever capitalize the first letter of our racial cognomen. We are far to humble to do that.

And we would never be an agent working against peace. We freds are very peaceful and we bend all of our efforts to ensuring peace throughout the Universe. Our motto, "There is nothing so peaceful as dead folks", rings through our hearts and minds every moment and is engraven upon the soul of every fred from the moment of hatchbirth.


26 Sep 03 - 05:54 PM (#1025338)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Ah, freds, you're screwing up again..."We are far to humble..." you say. Not so! "To humble" is an infinitive. What you meant to say was "We are far too humble to do that."

"Too" and "to". There's a big difference. It's little slip-ups like this that stand between you freds and complete interplanetary dominance. Unless you master the finer points you will never escape your present fate of being confined to the mediocre peanut gallery in the galaxy of universal BS.

- LH


26 Sep 03 - 07:56 PM (#1025393)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Confined Little Harg? HAW!! My fevered cashew sized brain vulvates in multi-spasm delight with every new direction this heap of crap takes.


26 Sep 03 - 11:35 PM (#1025485)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Anything that "vulvates in multi-spasm delight" is guaranteed to get a fair bit of attention, Tweed, so I think you're on the right track. That is a phrase I intend to enter into my book of "503 useful phrases and expressions for travellers in North Ontario", due for release next May 31st.

- LH


26 Sep 03 - 11:58 PM (#1025492)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

The fred, on the other hand, according to their own oral tradition, do it the other way around, spasming in multi-vulvate delight. Just a nut that fell a little further from the tree, I guess...


A


30 Sep 03 - 08:15 PM (#1026851)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Oh dear Lord! I opened my mailbox and whatta ya think was in it? Junk mail from freds! That's right folks! Freds have opened a store in my town of residence.   (Well, actually I don't reside there. I live 20 miles away, but it's the closest town big enough to have a post office.) I have received a 24 page color brochure that says:

"FRED'S Grand Opening! Wednesday, Oct. 1st!"


I did make note of the fact that "FRED'S" is capitalized and contains an apostrophe, but I'm sure that is just due to those tricky freds trying to confuse the issue. We know the truth! It's freds' attempt to hunt me down and force me to pay hatchling support to that slut Bubba Bubba! Well. it ain't gonna happen! You freds think you can just open a store and offer DVD players for $49.99 and Dawn dishwashing liquid for 4/$3.00 and that I'll rush in there like a typical dollar-store junkie and be ensnared in your trap. Hah! I wouldn't touch one of those DVD players with an eleven-foot pole! I'm sure that there's some kind of built-in tracking device in the remote control. No way baby! This guy wasn't born yesterday. You freds want me, come and get me! But you better come prepared for a fight!

On the other hand, the 39 oz. cans of Folgers coffee for $4.50 each are a pretty good deal, and my wife likes Folgers.   Maybe I'll send her in for a couple of cans.


30 Sep 03 - 09:36 PM (#1026883)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Obviously, BWL has yeat to be apprised of the bi-directional co-habitual spousal tracker recently introduced into Western civilization by a Fred disguised as an eccentric inventor; it uses GPS to track aged spouses toward each other or away from each other, depending on the setting inthe preferences; but it also locates "spouses of interest to the Freds", according to the Manual of Abuse.

A


01 Oct 03 - 02:38 PM (#1027412)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Har!


01 Oct 03 - 08:34 PM (#1027648)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

It seems like we aren't the only ones on to you freds. You may be trying to infiltrate our societies but the word is out, and you will be stopped! If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself freds
Yeah, what Little Hawk said, HAR!


01 Oct 03 - 10:14 PM (#1027675)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

And major America corporations like HALLMARK are getting into the act, too!!! So there...

A


02 Oct 03 - 09:40 AM (#1027928)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Maybe I just missed it (and, contrary to popular belief, I do have a life to lead so I can't spent all day looking for it) but I didn't see any reference to the '60s British group Freddy and the Dreamers on the Fred Society page. Who can forget "Do the Freddy"? I certainly hope that they are, in fact, mentioned somewhere on the sight. Having a Fred Society site without that particular Fred is like having a Bill Society without Shatner.

I also fail to believe that they didn't mention the Fred's stores to which I referred in my earlier post. (No it wasn't a joke.) Fred's stores are all over south Alabama but the one that just opened here is Fred's first incursion into Florida. They began as chain of drug stores but the bankruptcy of a regional grocery chain left some larger-than-a-drugstore-would-ever-need size retail spaces for lease at below-market rates so Fred's has expanded into a WalMart wannabe.


02 Oct 03 - 12:47 PM (#1028079)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Bee-dubya, I have tried and tried to understand what the hell it is you mean by saying:

"I also fail to believe that they didn't mention the Fred's stores to which I referred in my earlier post."

Ummm...what? It isn't a question of believing, it's just a question of looking it up. How does one "fail to believe" something? You either do believe it or you don't....or you don't know what to believe, in which case you reserve judgement, pending further investigation. Does this failure to believe have you pacing the floor at night? Who are the mysterious "they" who didn't mention the Fred's stores? Which earlier post?

Does your failure to believe imply a reluctance to rest your assurance upon assumptions from which one can infer a lack of complete certainty or is it rather the case that you are simply not yet experienced enough in the dialectics of belief systems and their corollary apposites to venture a firm opinion based on belief or unbelief?

- LH


02 Oct 03 - 02:13 PM (#1028138)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie

Ich glaube, dass Sie haben ein Vogel.


02 Oct 03 - 04:40 PM (#1028240)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Little Hawk,

To address your confused state:

1) "Fail to believe" is synonymous with "I find difficult to believe". If "believe" carries too many religious connotations you may substitute "understand". It may be a southern colloquialism that is not used in Soviet Cannuckstan, or possibly not even north of Virginia. I don't know.

2) "They", in the context of the post to which you refer, means the members of The Fred Society. It has nothing to do with paranoid states. I'm not saying that I'm not paranoid, and, yes, sometimes "they" does refer to "them", but not in this case.

3)"My earlier post" refers to the post which I made to this thread at 8:15 PM on September 30, in which I mentioned having received junk mail from Fred's stores and to which you responded "Har!" at 2:38 PM on October 1.

I hope you are now un-confused, clear and lucid and only suffering under the delusions and illusions that are normal parts of your rather tilted waking consciousness.


02 Oct 03 - 05:28 PM (#1028273)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I still do not believe that anyone can fail to believe something. They can believe it or not believe it. They can choose to believe or not believe. They can decide to believe or not to believe. But they cannot fail to believe! It's ridiculous. It would be like failing to exist (or not).

This implies failure on such a massive scale that I am surprised you dare to admit to it on a public forum... :-)

Har!


02 Oct 03 - 07:23 PM (#1028354)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

This just in! Freds resemble grape jello, but are apparently less intelligent, scoring very low on IQ tests and taking 35 times longer to negotiate simple mazes than a drunken rat. Freds may yet find a purpose, serving as key advisors on US foreign policy for the Bush administration.

Har!

We are inexorably approaching 1200 posts....


02 Oct 03 - 09:34 PM (#1028449)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

I fail to see a flibbertigibbet. Aw Huh. That's what I fail to see.
Under the circumstances, Hawk will probably ask, "How could that be?"
"You either can see a flibbertigibbet or you cannot, there isn't another way."
But I will respond, most eloquently, this is what I say,
"I don't need to see a flibbertigibbet, to hear that scrawney old harpy, babble on,the entire day."


02 Oct 03 - 11:09 PM (#1028495)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Little Hawk:

Steady, boy -- there is an extraordinary population of things which have failed to exist, or not, more than you can count or even perhaps imagine!!

A


03 Oct 03 - 01:01 AM (#1028542)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I fail to see what you mean, Amos... :-)

In order to fail to exist, something must perforce exist, because if it didn't exist it could not experience failure! Failure is not experienced in a total vacuum, it implies a prior field of action, so to speak, upon which field one endeavours to succeed or fail at something.

Now, I can see that something could fail to continue existing on a given timeline, but how can it fail to exist, period?

Further to that, linear time as we know it is itself contained within the eternal NOW which is inclusive of all time...therefore although something may fail to exist at a given moment on the timeline it cannot fail to exist in the larger context of all Eternity.

Anything that is capable of failure HAS to exist!

Dontcha love this thread? :-)

And who is the scrawny old harpy that RR is referring to? If this insult is directed at my maiden aunt, I shall be vexed! If it is directed toward Orillia's most senior town librarian, then I must admit it's accurate.

- LH


03 Oct 03 - 01:02 AM (#1028543)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

1200!!!! Ha! Ha! Ha! (laughing and gibbering insanely...)


03 Oct 03 - 10:07 AM (#1028816)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Little Hawk:

Never mind. The strain is beginning to show on you and I will not be responsible for exacerbating things with multi-spasming metaphysics!

A


03 Oct 03 - 12:00 PM (#1028910)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

A wise move, Amos. Besides, you've already upset me enough by suggesting that Shatner is second fiddle to Leslie Nielsen. I fail to understand how anyone could make such an outrageous assertion.


05 Oct 03 - 07:04 PM (#1030149)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

And...I fail to grasp why this thread has fallen into a fallow period....BUT...I do not fail to believe that that may change!


06 Oct 03 - 09:24 AM (#1030479)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

We have attempted to be your friends, but your silly insistence upon xenophobia seems to preclude any sort of intelligent and amicable interaction. To mock your betters is considered not only dangerous, but extremely bad manners by the rest of Civilization.

Before effecting Finality upon you, however, we have taken one step which might raise your level of gentility such that you can take your place in the Galactic Scheme (albeit at a very low level as a Self-Endangered Species). Should you fail in this, we will be forced, with great reluctance, to Finalize your pitiful little solar system.

Oh, yes. Bee-Dubya-Ell, Bubba Bubba is no longer looking for you. Herit has decided -- and tests have confirmed -- that such intelligent and lovely little hatchlings could never have shared any of your genetic materials and that they are the result of autoendoparthenogenesis after all. To whatever dim level your awareness is capable, however, you should know that ither's male-male progenitor is searching for you -- something about "breaking my little herit's hearts" and "trifling with ither's affections." He-he is carrying a weapon he-he obtained on this planet which is capable of projecting multiple small, round, leaden balls by means of the rapid oxidation of nitrocellulose initiated by a sharp blow to a small container of mecury fulminate. He-he is also carrying a large "straight razor" and a "baseball bat."

Should you care to know, the hatchlings will be stewed tomorrow.


06 Oct 03 - 12:28 PM (#1030620)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Fail to grasp? How can that be? LH, the all-grasping? I fail to believe it!!

Whether it exists or not.

A


06 Oct 03 - 12:51 PM (#1030635)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Amos, you sarcastic bastard, we have a trash disposal device all prepared for you when you get around to visiting Orillia. It dices, it slices, it squooshes... :-) You can buy them at a 1-800 number on the shopping channel.

Freds - "Finality", is it? Oooooo...I am terrified, just terrified! If you go to a site called "Zetatalk" you will find that a woman named Nancy Lieder has already forecast Finality for our civilization anyway. It was scheduled for May 15th past. When it didn't happen on schedule Nancy adroitly re-scheduled it for an unknown date sometime in the next few years, more or less...depending on what does or doesn't happen. BUT...be assured that Finality has already been guaranteed by Nancy Lieder, which kind of upstages your feeble threats, doesn't it? Hmmmm??? Now just "push off", as the British say. There's no use threatening to finalize what is already due for certain finalization regardless!

Har!

- LH


06 Oct 03 - 02:58 PM (#1030729)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

Listen, chaps. You don't know what you are in for if we Finalize you. But because of Bee-dubya-ell's emotional ties to one of ours, we'll provide a clue. One single little word, but this clue should scare the pantaloons off of you. One single word, and it applies equally to the "United States" and the "United Kingdom." One single word:

                         re-election


06 Oct 03 - 03:20 PM (#1030739)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

That sounds pretty bad -- you mean Gray Davis? Cuz if you mean Bush it just is NOT gonna happen.

A


06 Oct 03 - 04:21 PM (#1030773)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Ouch! Now I'm scared. This is no laughing matter, so I will not say "Har". At least Ontario had the good sense to kick the Conservative Party out of office last Thursday.


06 Oct 03 - 10:25 PM (#1030987)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

The plagues have already started. Two days ago we were swarmed by the Asian beatles. The sky was black with them and they fell upon us like bug rain. It's sure to be a sign from the freds.
Take back your damned little bugs. They are everywhere.
They are flying in my face around the light of the computer...
Oh shit I think I just swallowed one in my water...
I feel kind of funny now...
I can't seem to think clearly...
Oh the blastard ferds have reely don sumthin now...
i am certan this is a plot but ya no what? i really dont feel al l that bad, hmmmm maybe i will tri anodder one... come ere little buggy.....


06 Oct 03 - 10:32 PM (#1030988)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

oh, one moree thing before i get reely buzzed, little hawky- i think it must bee the librarian or the nancy lieder thats the harpy, most certainly    not the maiden aunt.


07 Oct 03 - 11:19 AM (#1031253)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Kim C

Okay, then, here's another one. Who else thinks it's funny when you go to a shop, and the clerk says, "Are you finding everything okay?"

What the hell does that mean, exactly?

Am I finding what I'm looking for? Maybe yes, maybe no, if I'm obviously wandering aimlessly about, then I'm probably not finding it.

Do I find the conditions in the establishment to be suitable? Hmm. Half the time I go into a department at a department store and there ain't anyone there to help me. Once when I was trying to pay for a hat, I went to three registers, to find No One. I went to Fine Jewelry and they said they could only ring up Fine Jewelry, but anyone else could help me. But I can't find anyone else, I said.

I surely didn't find that okay. But I did eventually get to pay for my hat.


07 Oct 03 - 12:04 PM (#1031285)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

People are constantly saying things that don't actually make much sense, just to fill in the empty spaces. The empty spaces cause them to feel nervous. One thing that people say around here all the time that drives me NUTS is "How are you keeping?"

Keeping? Keeping what(?) is what I want to know. How am I keeping what? How does one keep something?

Well, what they actually mean when they say that is simply: "How are you?"

So they add one extra word which obfuscates the original meaning. It's inefficient and pointless and it bugs the hell out of me, but that's the way their parents said it, so that's the way they say it. I have no idea if it's a habit confined to Simcoe County, Ontario, Canada or if it has spread further.

- LH


07 Oct 03 - 12:55 PM (#1031320)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Kim C

I also hate it when people say "PIN number." What do you think the N in PIN stands for?!!!?!!


07 Oct 03 - 01:09 PM (#1031335)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Great example. "SIN number" is another one of those (but only in Canada, where we have a Social Insurance Number, instead of a Social Security Number).

Mine is 593 873 530 985 AH

And if you believe that, I've got a bridge to sell you too...

- LH

p.s. When they ask you if you're finding everything okay, Kim, look around at the store critically and say, "No. It's all wrong. The colors on the walls clash horribly with most of the displays, and the floor doesn't look right either. I'd get some decorators in and redo the whole place if I were you."


07 Oct 03 - 06:22 PM (#1031424)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Kim:

"Keeping" is a passive verb as well as an active verb. It means to endure in a condition, or close to it. To be "keeping" well means to be doing all right, healthy and I suppose relatively happy. This useage is not widely used as it once was but it is still recognized.


O'course you could answer it with "not well, I'm afraid. Decomposing slowly. Rot, you know -- expect to die before the end of the century."


A


07 Oct 03 - 06:52 PM (#1031448)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

LOL! That's what I'll say next time, for sure. And I do expect to die before the end of this century too, so it would be quite an honest response.

- LH


08 Oct 03 - 11:34 AM (#1031800)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: JennyO

Another one of those, Kim C, is the ATM machine. I've pointed this out to a few people, and they didn't know what ATM stood for.

Now I'm off to get some money out of the local Automatic Teller Machine machine.

Jenny


08 Oct 03 - 01:51 PM (#1031883)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Kim C

Last evening I went to Office Depot to get some ink cartridges and I took a stroll through the software aisle, not really looking for anything in particular, just seeing what was there. A guy comes over to me and says, "What are we looking for?"

Hmm. I dunno. World peace? An end to hunger? A cure for cancer? Weapons of mass destruction? Pantyhose that stay up? Oh, no, wait, he wants to know if I'M looking for something here in the store. Sure, that must be it...


08 Oct 03 - 03:28 PM (#1031922)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I was in the hospital, having had my left big toenail removed because of a chronic infection. The anesthesia had worn off and it bloody well hurt.

In walks an aide of some sort and cheerily chirped, "And how are WE feeling today?"

I was sixteen at the time and I told her. She didn't care for it; I guess I was supposed to chirp right back that I felt like dancing out of there.

Or at work (the totality of real conversations):

"Do you know what time it is?"
"Yes."

"Can you run this copier?"
"Sure."

"I'm looking for a good book." (I work in a public library.)
"Well, you'll probably find one here."

"I'm looking for a good book."
"Why? You read everything we've got or what?"

"Can you recommend a good book?"
"Yes, but it's checked out. ALL the good books are checked out. You don't read bad books, do you? Neither does anyone. So all the good ones are checked out."


09 Oct 03 - 12:42 PM (#1032494)
Subject: RE: BS: Catching up with Freds
From: Amos

The following sounds like it was invented by a Freds publicist who had gotten up on the worng sides of her/its beds, I suppose. But LO!! It comes from a web site owned and run by the Borg of all Hightech Companies, Lockheed Martin, whose very name is a mindmeld and against whom resistance is futile. Do a Google for "Gravity Probe B" if thou doubtest!

Enjoy:

"Gravity Probe B is the relativity gyroscope experiment being developed by NASA and Stanford University to test two extraordinary, unverified predictions of Albert Einstein's general theory of relativity.

The experiment will check, very precisely, tiny changes in the direction of spin of four gyroscopes contained in an Earth satellite orbiting at 400-mile altitude directly over the poles. So free are the gyroscopes from disturbance that they will provide an almost perfect space-time reference system. They will measure how space and time are warped by the presence of the Earth, and, more profoundly, how the Earth's rotation drags space-time around with it. These effects, though small for the Earth, have far-reaching implications for the nature of matter and the structure of the Universe. "





Well, there ya go..."far reaching implications" for the structure of the universe itself. If you're not hip to Dilbert-class jargon, it may escape you that this means "we will probably reorganize it soon!"

Just in case you thought all this science fiction eas fictional...

A


09 Oct 03 - 03:33 PM (#1032619)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie

Wha?


09 Oct 03 - 05:45 PM (#1032687)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Hot damn! NASA's gonna restructure the whole friggin' Universe! Sounds like a political thing to me.


10 Oct 03 - 05:44 PM (#1033391)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie

I wish NASA would spend some of my tax dollars on teleportation research, so I wouldn't have to sit in traffic no more.


10 Oct 03 - 06:09 PM (#1033398)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

ANY more, Kim, ANY more! It is the use of unnecessary negatives that has people like you mired in traffic jams from here to Kokomo.

It's okay in folksongs, though. :-)

One more thought: your tax dollars would probably only provide funding sufficient to teleport a paper clip across the average office space. I'd just forget about the whole idea if I were you.

- LH


10 Oct 03 - 06:43 PM (#1033413)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Little Hawk:

Just because you're Canadian does not mean you speak English any better than Kim. It just shows you're stuck in the nineteenth century! There are plenty of precedents for her construction. And let me point out that if you WERE her, you'd wish you didn't have to sit in traffic jams no more.

A


10 Oct 03 - 07:14 PM (#1033429)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Oh, YEAH??? Well, if my dog had body language like yours I'd send him to ballet school for a year and make him walk around with a paper bag over his head until he could pirouette flawlessly! So there, eh?


10 Oct 03 - 07:23 PM (#1033436)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I've actually driven through Kokomo. Trust me: it IS a traffic jam.


10 Oct 03 - 10:25 PM (#1033519)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Little Hawk!! Wake up!! You're not making any sense!! Come to!! Snap out of it, man!!!

LOL!


A


11 Oct 03 - 09:02 AM (#1033650)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

But, Amos, *I* understand what LH said! Hmmm...perhaps I should be worried. After all, I'd wait until the dog could not only pirouette, but assume a good first position and do a decent jette.


11 Oct 03 - 11:08 AM (#1033698)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Rapaire,

Librarians often fall into the belief that anything built out of the English alphabet is comprehensible if the morphemes and words are recognizable. It's an occupational hazard, like becoming hard-of-hearing for blasting operators.

I assure you, Little Hawk's assertions are non-sequitur, disjointed, and lacking in relevance or coherence. The relationship between paper bags and the heads of dogs and ballet, for example, which he pretends to thread together in a meaningful way. The only charitable thing to do is believe he is overworked.

A


11 Oct 03 - 11:57 AM (#1033710)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I am a bit under stress lately, because of mold and other matters.

But, Amos...."morphemes"??? Yikes! There's a fifty-dollar word if ever I've seen one. What does it mean?

- LH


11 Oct 03 - 01:29 PM (#1033762)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

LH:

A term from linguistics. Just as a phoneme is the smallest unit of distinguishable sound, a morpheme is the smallest unit of distinguishable sound with meaning. In English, for example, "t'e" is a sound one can make (the sound of the letter t by itself) by has no meaning. "tu-" has meaning, just by adding the stretch into "oo" at the end. SIngle vowels with meaning, such as "I" and "a" are the smallest morphemes. Words are made up of morphemes which are made up of phonemes.

A


11 Oct 03 - 09:30 PM (#1033921)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Amos -- if you can't tree 'em, what good are they? Certainly wouldn't be sensible.

Besides, I knew a guy who died from an overdose of morpheme. It's good medicine, but you gotta be careful with it.


12 Oct 03 - 12:48 PM (#1034130)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Holey Moley, I was post 1-2-3-4 and didn't even know it! Do I get a prize??


12 Oct 03 - 01:04 PM (#1034141)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

We should all get a prize. This is undoubtedly the longest running thread in Mudcat history, and possibly the stupidest too...although there's SERIOUS competition out there when it comes to that!

There is a dedicated central core of real major @$$holes who have kept this thread running all this time...me, Amos, Rapaire, Rustic Rebel, Bobert, and of course GUEST, freds, who is probably the biggest @$$hole in Galactic history.

I am proud to stand in such exalted company.

"Never in the field of human BS was so much inflicted upon so many by so few."

- LH


12 Oct 03 - 07:02 PM (#1034285)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

We must impart sad, sad tidings.

Bubba Bubba (as you knew ither) is no more. Sheit has moved on to Another Plane. We think so, at least, as her passing was quite spectacular.

Were it not for the fact that she considered all of you to be friends, we would not tell you this. But even though your own Regime objects and feels that the knowledge of her passing is best disguised, we assure you that what we impart is the actual, unvarnished, unpainted Truth Of The Matter.

Bubba Bubba was, as we're certain you are aware, searching for a means to confront Bee-dubya-ell about his part in the creation of the hatchlings. To this end she had traveled from a point near what you call Redfield, South Dakota to where we had hidden our transport pod in the area around what you call Mount Rainer. Itshe managed to enter the pod by bypassing the cryptoguard and flung it skywards, ither anger apparently overriding herit's good sense. Itshe accelerated too quickly inside a gravitational field, and the result was photographed and posted to your Internet here.

As you can tell, your Regime has done a fairly poor job of coverup, but it will probably suffice. Our pity goes out not to Bubba Bubba, whose 4.5638 millenia were well lived, but to those who once lived in the now non-existent town of Seattle. The gravonic, photonic, and other radiations from the disintergration of the pod has obliterated all traces of the town and those who once lived there. Again, your Regime is perpetrating a coverup for fear of losing next year's Regime choice.

We are certain that Bubba Bubba would have apologized for ither actions, were sheit available to do so. We apologize for her, and assure you that the three hatchlings, Bee, Dubya, and Ell, are well and frisky after stewing. They are cute little things, and Ell (can you believe it?) ate a "Buick" just yesterday! Again, we offer apologies to the driver's survivors, but kids will be kids, won't they?


12 Oct 03 - 07:32 PM (#1034303)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Good gawd...

See what I mean? Nice picture, Freds. I think you have done us a favour in these politically correct times, providing the word "ither" (pronounced to rhyme with "whither" I assume) to replace the sexist words "his" and "her" and the awkward substitute "their". Very progressive.

- LH


12 Oct 03 - 08:36 PM (#1034329)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

It's not progressive from a freds view. They have been stuck, linguistically, with that ephemeral sexual ambiguity since their language crystallized 23, 345, 654.0933 years ago . This itshe shit is not advanced-- it is just indefinite, pusillanimous and vacuous -- you'd think a real civilization would have settled this gender issue long since!!

But not freds, noooooo!!! They're still flipflopping. Can't even decide which gender is which!! Call that advanced??

I spit.

A


12 Oct 03 - 09:44 PM (#1034341)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

I feel very privileged that you included me in on the major asshole list of the most major mudcat thread in history Little Hawk.
You seemed to have left out a few other assholes though.
Like King Kandu for starters. He started this mess got us on a roll and left us to our own feces. What kind of King is that? An Asshole King.
And how about the Tweedster? It seems to me he breezes in, gets on someones ass about some off the wall excrement and he's not on the list? I will now nominate Tweed.
Let me also nominate Bee-Dubya-ell. He has proven himself equal in all aspects of the word.
I also feel Kim is catching on very quickly, have no fear, dear. We certainly can not exclude you from the list.
And I have not forgotten the Queen of the Privy. Another example of abandonment from royalty.
Ah yes, Assholes one and all. United we stand, divided it would be a little harder to have a good bowel movement.


12 Oct 03 - 09:54 PM (#1034345)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds: a message for Amos

Amos, you shame yourself. We freds are quite linguistically complex; what you read here is simply what comes out of a translator, a quite good and quite sophisticated one. NOT like that ones those cheapshit bastards sold...oh, nevermind, nevermind.

Correctly, Bubba Bubba was a ÐązŊalact (there is no other way to enscribe this word in your feeble alphabets, so this near-phonetic spelling will have to do). As you may or may not be aware, these are often described as neuter-female, although they are of course actually neither. In reproduction, a ÐązŊalact will caress those creatures whose
DNA and other biochemistries are needed; this is considered by many to be the ultimate erotic experience (and if you have never experienced a twelveway, with kyleɚthʥ nuzzling you while everyone is warmed by the fur of the enfolding sloga, you have never experienced sexual happiness – or polymorph perversity, for that matter). Fortunately or unfortunately, depending upon your point of view, a ÐązŊalact must and will ensure conception by consuming the cranial matter of those it conjugates with. Naturally, the more complex and wide-ranging the DNA of the conjugates the more diverse the hatchlings.

The translator is set to translate ÐązŊalact as “ither” or “herit” and related words, reinforcing the neuter-female gender. Of course, when the Change Of Life comes and a ÐązŊalact modifies to neuter-neuter or female-female or female-male or male-male or neuter-male or one of the other, more esoteric genders, the translator modifies the words as appropriate (you can find any of the appropriate terms in any good dictionary, so we shan’t give them here).

Of course, this discussion does not include the dimensional aspects of our sexuality, such as what some on this planet might call multi-dimensional polygonal orgies. Should you wish to read up on this, we recommend the works of the noted scholar ʧʄalßþak.


12 Oct 03 - 10:01 PM (#1034347)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Dear freds:

You underestimate me. I was quite aware of the polymorphous nature of your sexual appetites. Nor was I under any false impressions about the real nature of your BubbaBubba hubbahubba flubba.

I would like to say first that your description runs the risk of giving sexual happiness a bad name on this planet and I suggest that this is a VERYunwise thing to do. I can't think of anything MORE certain to jeapordize your success here.

Second of all I think your translator needs correction. It may be very good, but around her we spell that "she-it" combination with an extra "e" and pronounce it with a Southern drawl. And I know a "sheeit" when I see one.

Thanks,


A


13 Oct 03 - 02:50 PM (#1034783)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Does anyone else know Mike Callahan, Jake Stonebender, Doc Webster, and the rest of the folks?


13 Oct 03 - 03:10 PM (#1034795)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Rapaire:

What folks? Freds have names?

A


13 Oct 03 - 05:07 PM (#1034880)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

"Shared sorrow decreases. Shared joy increases. Thus do we refute Entropy."

Too bad, Amos. I guess you'll never know. Too bad, really.


13 Oct 03 - 05:39 PM (#1034888)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Tweed

Thank you Rustic Darlin' for nominating Lord Khandarz, Bee Dubya (THE KNOWER OF MORE THAN A COUPLE THINGS), Queen Carol the CrapperGirl and myself to the pantheon of Assholes who posted on this endless roll of single-ply butt wipe. Our group is truly full of bullshit, horseshit, mule shit, and buffalo chips. My only hope is that King Khardnagz, the BENEFICENT EMPEROR OF MISSISSIPPI is still free and running around loose somewhere and able to view his magnificent legacy! ;~)

Yerzervant az allus,
Tweed
Knight of the Realm of Tupelo


13 Oct 03 - 05:45 PM (#1034891)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie

I was an English major and delight in regularly massacring proper grammar rules just out of meanness. But it's true what Amos said - lack of subject/verb agreement was very common in the 19th century in informal writings and conversation. It was regarded as Not Right, but people did it anyway. I don't have any problem at all with slang or dialects in informal settings.

What, me, an Asshole? Wow. A new honor. I don't think I've ever been called that before. Leastways not to my face... ;-)


13 Oct 03 - 07:16 PM (#1034930)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Lordamercy, Tweed! Are you sayin' that Khandu might be in JAIL???


13 Oct 03 - 08:44 PM (#1034977)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

I want a REAL answer to "What has become of Khandu?". I know this is the wrong place to ask for anything real, but I am desperate.


A


13 Oct 03 - 09:05 PM (#1034984)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Naemanson

I had to drop in to this thread to check its progress. 1250 posts! Amazing! Is there no end to it?


13 Oct 03 - 10:22 PM (#1035023)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Greetings, Ya'll!

I must apologize for my recent lack of participation in the MOAB. There are times when one must pursue activities having to do with collecting pictures of dead presidents (plus non-presidents Hamilton and Franklin). Such activities leave one little time to devote to ruminant feces.

I am shocked and disheartened to hear of the passing of my once-beloved Bubba Bubba. I am glad that it appears that herit's end was sudden and painless. As for the former city of Seattle, Pike Street Market will be sorely missed, but if the destruction extended far enough outward from the city center to take a large chunk of Microsoft's holdings with it, I guess we'll call that an even trade.

I am pleased to hear that Bubba Bubba chose to name herit's hatchlings after yours truly. It sounds like little Ell is a chip off the old block. Though I've never actually eaten a Buick I did once pass a Toyota. If one of the little blighters would like to stop by for a visit, I have a couple of large diseased oak trees on my property that they are welcome to have for lunch. It'd save me from having to play Paul Bunyan.

BTW, this is post #1251 which just happens to be the month and year of my birth. If this thread makes it to 123,151, my birthdate, I've got dibs on it. Ya hear?

BWL - KOACOT


13 Oct 03 - 10:32 PM (#1035029)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Naemanson, is there ever really an end to Bullshit around here?, Hell according to leedle hawkie not only are we the bsers of bs but he has now dubbed half of us assholes to which I feel honored and adored, as should all.
As for Hawk, he should also feel honored and adored, for he is the M.A.N. (Main Asshole Now-a-days)! Har!
Now the thing is, asshole can be taken several different ways.
1. The most helpful part of your body, for without it, you would just be plain full of shit.
2.The donkey hole which could be numerous in it's definition. An eye, an ear, a mouth, etc...
3.It could be an abbreviation for assagai hole, which could mean either you were pierced by an arrow, or you represent an accurate and skillful sport.
As I said, several different meanings to one little word. Imagine that.


13 Oct 03 - 10:55 PM (#1035038)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

I hear ya, RR -- ain't it something, really, how much we can hang on the back of one of them little words, and do they complain? Not hardly!!

It's just amazing what they will put up with. If someone tried to jam me that full of different meanings to carry around, and multiple concepts fer each meaning, and so on, I'd just put my foot down. I would balk, and so would you, truth be known. But you never hear of words doing that. Oh, no, they're true blue. That's why I am so fond of the little fellers -- they'll just keep going as long as they are called upon to serve or until they drop dead from being overly ill-defined one too many times. That's loyalty, and if you were looking for loyalty, why words is a good place to start. That's what I think.

Hope you agree,


A


13 Oct 03 - 10:57 PM (#1035040)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

As the Catepillar felt about words, so I feel about rectal outlets.


13 Oct 03 - 11:10 PM (#1035049)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Right on, guys! And just consider how many meanings and usages the common word "f*ck" has...it's virtually endless in its applications. The meaning must be deduced almost entirely from the context, rather than by literal interpretation. Amazing, ain't it?

The word solypsism, on the other hand, has only one use (that I know of) but it's still a very cool word.

Sort of like the Alpha and Omega of language, eh?

- LH


13 Oct 03 - 11:28 PM (#1035060)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

And what, pray tell, use it that? You can tell me without fear, because I created you and everything else.


13 Oct 03 - 11:37 PM (#1035065)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

If you were really a solipsist you'd already know the answer to that question, man. There ya go!!

A


13 Oct 03 - 11:39 PM (#1035066)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Of course I did and do and will.

WHY did I think Amos up? I'll have to think about that....


13 Oct 03 - 11:48 PM (#1035073)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Well,   I know why I dreamed you up. First of all, I needed a really good librarian to emanate order into the universe, which has, you will agree, grown somewhat chaotic of late; and second I needed someone to catch up to as fast as I could go. Why not, I thought, do two kilns with one stoned bird? As the old saying goes...

A


13 Oct 03 - 11:48 PM (#1035074)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

I had to go grumbling to my dictionary for that one. The word wasn't in there so I searched to find that the word couldn't be in my book since I didn't know the word.


14 Oct 03 - 08:50 AM (#1035309)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

You might have created a universe without that word in it, RR. In which case you shouldn't be hanging about with the lowlifes around this thread... :>)

A


14 Oct 03 - 08:55 AM (#1035313)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Didja hear about the solypsist who vanished? His motto was "Nil cogito, ergo nihil sum."





I didn't think so. That's why the above doesn't exist.


14 Oct 03 - 09:56 AM (#1035339)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Oh, g'wan witcha -- that's impossible!! Couldn't be!! **bg**

A


14 Oct 03 - 10:10 AM (#1035343)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I love slipping the word "solypsism" into casual conversations with people who are discussing hockey or politics or stuff like that...

- LH


14 Oct 03 - 10:19 AM (#1035348)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

sometimes my imagination astounds me...but this seems to be becoming a nightmare!


14 Oct 03 - 10:58 AM (#1035370)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Yeah, Mario, I wanted it that way.


14 Oct 03 - 04:28 PM (#1035605)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

When I first read this I thought that they'd found me again.


14 Oct 03 - 05:03 PM (#1035630)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

They passed you over? The Post??? You oughta sue!! Agism obviously rampant (on a field of mindless glee).

A


17 Oct 03 - 12:41 AM (#1037241)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Can this be the cong`e of the Mother?
The swan song to the end?
Bullshit at the caf`e has had it's Terminus Ad Quem?
Has it's telic been reached?
The `tout ensemble has `tout `a fait and `tout de suite pretermitted?
Ah, good fellows, don't be lugubrious,
because I'm bringing it back up without a thing to vocalize.

Viva la Mother of all BS threads!



Can this be Deja Vu?


No....


I don't think I was watching the moon rise over the trees,
sitting at my computer completely naked,
rubbing my belly, thinking I'm Budda like,
waiting for this thread to load while drinking filtered water out of a coconut,
realizing that today could be tomorrow
and knowing this thread will not die on my account.


No...



I don't think I was here before.


17 Oct 03 - 12:51 AM (#1037251)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

RR:

Your are so fluid when you write like that -- it's mind boggling!!

A


17 Oct 03 - 01:07 AM (#1037256)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Fluid?
Oh yes, my friend I am full of fluid. It's called Absolute 100. ((Smile at you))


if this repeats, it's because I've been here before.


17 Oct 03 - 10:33 AM (#1037285)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Tweed

Nekkid an' looped on Absolute at her computer!! Yowzah! That's what I'm talkin' about ;~) You go RR!!


17 Oct 03 - 10:40 AM (#1037288)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

A New Madonna!! A Goddess of the Temple!! Boy, ya know how to get a rise out of the crowd, huh? Gotta love it. I think kyou've made a life-long fan out of Tweed, there!


A


17 Oct 03 - 12:19 PM (#1037350)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I was naked at my computer too, but nothing much happened except that I stuck to vinyl chair, causing my wife great merriment. You ever walk around with a vinyl chair stuck to your butt? I hoped that it would come loose before the fire department had to be called to get me loose.

Fortunately, it fell off without taking a lot of skin with it.


18 Oct 03 - 01:20 AM (#1037614)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Rapaire, What the hell you doing sitting nekkid at your computer with your chair stuck to your butt in the middle of the day? Don't you know your neighbors are watching? At least I respect my neighbors enough to do it late at night when they are sleeping. Wouldn't want them to go cardiac on me.

Speaking of nekkid, tonight I'm wearing socks. Green socks. Green socks that could come half-way up my calves if I was so inclined to lean over and pull them up.


18 Oct 03 - 08:59 AM (#1037683)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

That's bery wise, not wanting them to go cardiac on ya. Gives a whole new meaning to the concept of lethal weapons. You sure you aren't supposed to register those things?

Great idea for the Temple of the Holy Curve, in the how-do-you-prove-a-miracle department, eh? Anyone who has killed through pulchritude alone needs to register their death-dealing duo with the Claims of Lethality department of the Head Office, under brother Curvus Collectus. When the autopsy and the coroner's report and the brother's own personal investigation are complete you can be promoted to lethalhood.

But just to be clear, its not like registering to vote or registering at the DMV. More like registering at Grauman's Chinese Theater.

A


18 Oct 03 - 04:56 PM (#1037802)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Austin

I wonder if Penelope Rutledge ever sits naked at her computer in the wee hours...

Crikey! That'd be a sight to see.


18 Oct 03 - 05:06 PM (#1037805)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Nigel T.

I doubt it. The bloody machine would have a meltdown and never function properly again.

Nigel


19 Oct 03 - 01:26 PM (#1038011)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Lester the Lurker

I'd give fifty quid to see that. What is this thread about anyway? I did a general search for "Penelope Rutledge" and found meself here, much to me surprise.


19 Oct 03 - 02:11 PM (#1038035)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

It's perfectly clear and ineluctably reasonable in its sequence, Lester -- you just need to read it from the top and all will be revealed.


A


19 Oct 03 - 05:07 PM (#1038090)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Lester the Lurker

I'm not stupid, mate. I've given it a cursory glance or two, but I do not intend to read the whole bloody thing. I've got a life to live here.


19 Oct 03 - 06:10 PM (#1038108)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Ah -- right. That being the case, this thread would not really be appropriate, in my opinion.


A


19 Oct 03 - 07:37 PM (#1038130)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Neighbors nothing, I was at work! You see, we were stringing barbed wire around the library when some of it snapped back and whacked me right in the middle of the forehead. Now, the forehead is full of little veins and things, and bleeds a LOT when cut open, like mine was. So there I was, my hands full of barbed wire and blood just GUSHING down from my forehead, soaking my clothes, making my shoes all squishy. I wouldn't, of course, have minded much except that this was my VERY OWN BLOOD! Fortunately, one of the staff members saw my situation and managed to free the wire from my hands and I could then clap my hands to my forehead and stop the bleeeding (I told everyone that I really did NOT need a tourniquet around my neck for such a minor wound). I sloshed off to my office, where I took off my clothes so that I wouldn't have to sit in them, and called my wife to bring my some fresh clothes. I used some of those moist towelette things to clean up and I sat down at the computer to get some work done. Long about the time she brought my clothes, I was stuck to the chair. I was fortunate enough that she helped me, but I found her giggling and laughter less than sympathetic.

Is everything clear now?


20 Oct 03 - 08:54 AM (#1038317)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

RR, my socks are green, too. I never buy green socks, but do you know that if you don't wash them you can have green socks without buying them and thereby save yourself a lot of money?

Underwear, too.


20 Oct 03 - 10:22 AM (#1038380)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

The only question, Mister Rapaire, is that you say you were stringing barb wire around the library, and I have to ask for the record -- what the hell for? To keep the reference books from escaping? All you have to do is figure out which one is the lead reference figure -- it is usually one of the older encyclopediae or the largest dictionary -- and tether that one to a shelf. All the other reference books will stay relatively close to the primary work, and you won't need to be messing about with no bobwahr.

Regards,

A


20 Oct 03 - 10:41 AM (#1038389)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Sorry, Amos. Imprecision on my part. Correctly, we were placing barbed wire around inside the library, specifically in the reference department. Sorry for the confusion.


20 Oct 03 - 11:34 AM (#1038432)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Bobwahr around the reference section, eh? Dang, the old wide-open spacious fields of knowledge ain't whut they were when I were a wrangler! When a boy could travel across the plains of information from Saturday morning until dinnertime and never even be bothered by tyhe librarian!!

Sure is different now -- bobwahr, huh...and them purity filters and such. T'ain't the same, no suh. Wonder if Montana's still free....


:>))

A


20 Oct 03 - 12:00 PM (#1038447)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

You have read too much into what I said. "In" not "around." Coiled and spread out barbed wire, like small concertina wire rolls.








Actually, for a Veterans' Day display.



Got two gas masks, too.


20 Oct 03 - 01:20 PM (#1038470)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Ohhh!!!!!   A display!! LOL!!! You had me going there!!! LOL!


A


20 Oct 03 - 01:49 PM (#1038485)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: catspaw49

Spent a half hour or so catching up on this thread and I want to say it was the total and complete waste of time which I knew it would be. You are all numbnuts of the first order and I salute you.

BBBRRRAAAAWWWWWMMMPPP

Fuck Off

Spaw


20 Oct 03 - 02:10 PM (#1038493)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Thank you, Spaw. That's why we have the gas masks.


20 Oct 03 - 02:24 PM (#1038501)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Spaw wants us to associate the large black characters in the post above with a sound encountered in nature, at least his nature. It is really a form of morphemic abuse. Little Hawk, take note.

Now, for example, he knew it was going to be a waste of time -- he asserts this quite clearly above -- and he went ahead and wasted the time anyway. And then in the same breath he calls US numbnuts. At least we don't go wasting time we know about ahead of time!! Who, the, is the numbnuts here?

The truth is that every time I read this thread again, I hope to find some sort of redeeming social or literary value in it.

And that hope springs eternal....


20 Oct 03 - 03:57 PM (#1038542)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Lester the Lurker: What is this thread about anyway?

No, this thread is definitely not about anyway. Anyway has its own thread somewhere. Try typing "anyway" into the filter box. This thread is about BS, which is short for "boiled shrimp". Boiled shrimp are okay, but boiled crawfish are better. I guess we could start a thread about boiled crawfish, and call it the "Mother of All BC Threads", but some folks might think it was about headache remedies or a comic strip. And besides, boiled crawfish are a more-or-less regional thing whereas boiled shrimp are more universal. The length of this thread will attest to that universality. A thread about boiled crawfish would never reach 1300 posts.

Of course, there is the issue of "boiled prawns". Do they deserve their own thread, or are they closely enough related to boiled shrimp to fall under the BS umbrella? If boiled prawns were given their own thread it would be the "Mother of All BP Threads", and lots of folks would think it was about the oil company and then they would post anti-oil rants and be embarassed later when they discovered their mistakes.

By the way, I almost asked, "What's the difference between shrimp and prawns anyway?", but it's a silly question. Everone knows that the difference between shrimp and prawns is definitely not anyway. Don't know what it is, but it's certainly not anyway.

Understand now?


20 Oct 03 - 04:08 PM (#1038550)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

MOAB! if the sages ask thee why        
This charm is wasted on the earth and sky,        
Tell them, dear, that if noses were made for seeing,*        
Then BS is its own excuse for being:        
Why thou wert there, O rivetter of the nose!        
I never thought to ask, I never knew:        
But, in my simple ignorance, suppose        
The self-same BS that brought me there brought you.        




*"smelling" doesn't rhyme.


20 Oct 03 - 04:33 PM (#1038561)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Lo, in the waning of the year,
The growing of the charm which brought us here!
For Autumn frosts the summer's smelling eyes
And winter shows her seasoning to the wise;
Yet, while the threnody of Sleep grow stronger,
Our vital rhythm of BS grows stronger!

How then tomorrow? Will we sleep and die?
Call for the priest? For once and all, confess?
Or will some trace perfume, sensed by the eye,
Revive us with the Power of BS?

(Sorry about the couplet spare
Mehinks 'twas something in the air!)

A


20 Oct 03 - 06:57 PM (#1038629)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Yet at my back I always hear        
Late Khandu's winged BS hurrying near:        
And yonder all before us lie        
Deserts of vast BS and sky.        
BS, thy Beauty shall no more be found;
Nor, in thy dry and dusty Vault, shall sound        
My echoing Song: then Worms shall try        
That long preserv'd BS-ity:        
And your quaint humors turn to spit;        
And into ashes all my sh*t.
This thread's a fine confusing mess,        
'Cause it preserves the best BS.


20 Oct 03 - 07:39 PM (#1038656)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Peter Woodruff

This thread is to long. It hangs way out there with no place to go.

Peter


20 Oct 03 - 09:13 PM (#1038698)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Nay! Nay! This thread is not too long! Nor does it "hang... way out there with no place to go". In fact, this thread is no longer a thread. It has transcended threadness. It has become an institution, a movement, a religion. "Thread" is simply its outward manifestation that allows people like Peter Woodruff to access it. We who have been with it since its inception know that if it were closed tomorrow - if Max were to say "Enough!" - it would continue in a higher plane. It has inspired poetry, grammatical errors, and the creation of entire alien civilizations. And it has done it all while never running out of banana pudding or fried chicken!


20 Oct 03 - 09:55 PM (#1038704)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Peter Woodruff is obviously a heretic and should be burned or even bruned (as I first typed). I shall report him to the Most Holy And Awfully Awesome Inquisition as such, and they can deal with him. Perhaps the strappado, perhaps the boots, but he will confess his errors and be turned over to the civil arm for execution -- after, of course, confessing his sins, pleading for forgiveness and reconciliation with Mother.


20 Oct 03 - 10:23 PM (#1038711)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,The Galactic Overload

I say, have any of you chaps seen the freds lately?


20 Oct 03 - 11:14 PM (#1038729)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,I have....

Yes!!! The Galactive Overlord chimes in for post 1300! I have seen freds recently, and they are a sorry sight, I can tell you...but I've seen worse.


20 Oct 03 - 11:30 PM (#1038738)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Beyond the deepest sea and widest ford,
Beyond the reach of even Overlord!
Transcendent to the mortal's keenest eye,
Broader than any mighty desert dry,
Beyond the ken of ire, and of dread,
Beyond the queering reach of any fred,
There does transcend the realm of all our minds
Where space new-born wells out from ancient Soul's distress
Greater than any craft of merely human kind
MOAB -- The cosmos' call of Surely Pure BS!

Calliope Witherspoon Etheridge
Notions of Transcendent Harmonies, 1899


21 Oct 03 - 09:00 AM (#1038887)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes        
I all alone beweep my outcast state,        
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,        
And look upon myself, and curse my fate;        

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,                 
Featured like him, like him with friends possest,        
Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,        
With what I most enjoy contented least;        

Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,        
Haply I think on MOAB—and then my state,        
Like to the lark at break of day arising        
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;        

For thy sweet BS remember'd, such wealth brings        
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

                              -- Billy-Bob, th' pote.


21 Oct 03 - 09:02 AM (#1038889)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I just noticed: s/he lists his/her self as the "Galactic OverlOAd", not "OverlORd." Interesting.


21 Oct 03 - 08:11 PM (#1039303)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

If it's true that all of the dark matter in the Universe is, in fact, BS, then "Galactic Overload" is a perfectly appropriate name for himherit.


21 Oct 03 - 11:07 PM (#1039376)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

BeeDubya,

Where did you get that idea?


A


22 Oct 03 - 04:34 PM (#1039899)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Shiney Knause

Amis,

Ah thank thet whut th' Bee-dubya boy'z tryin' t' say iz sumthin' lack this:

If'n all thet dark stuff thet's s'posed t' be holdin' th' Yooniverse t'gether an' keepin' it ferm flyin' apart iz bullshit, then thar be a buncha it. Ya cud say thet the Yooniverse iz overloaded wif bullshit. Now, if th' Galacatick Overlord iz s'posed t' be in charge of lookin' out fer th' place, then he'z in charge of lookin' out fer all thet bullshit two. So, sense hee iz in charge of thet big overload of bullshit, an', he could bee called th' Galactick Overload. Ah thank it be whut's cawled a pun, but Ah don' thank it be a verry gud 'un.

Ah noe it don' mek no damm since, but thet Bee-dubya fucker's a weerd sumbitch. Ya gotta be a bigger idjit thun hee iz t' unnerstan' th' boy. An' if Shiney Knause ain't nuthin' else, Ah iz a idjit.


22 Oct 03 - 06:52 PM (#1039949)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Shiney:

I know, I know. I understood the idea. What I asked was where he got it! If he gets to the bottom of that, everything else will clarify accordingly.

A


22 Oct 03 - 07:11 PM (#1039971)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Have another shot, Shiney, and try to be lucid...

- LH


22 Oct 03 - 11:31 PM (#1040097)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Norma Fertilesticks

Roses is red
violets is blue
I think you have bullshit
All over your shoe.

Roses is red
and sometimes they pink
Sometimes they yellow
And man do your shoes stink.

Violets are blue
and roses are red
And now I think I've added,
enough BS to this thread.


23 Oct 03 - 12:15 AM (#1040111)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

I guess there's a relationship between quality of poetic output and density on the BS Density Scale of one's Current Personality Construct. "Fertilesticks"!!! Why would anyone have such karma??? We can only guess.


A


23 Oct 03 - 01:32 AM (#1040124)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

An accumulation of really stinky behaviour in several previous lives would do it.


23 Oct 03 - 09:11 AM (#1040322)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Someone once said that the only way to tell a real cowboy from the plastic kind is to look at the soles of his boots.


23 Oct 03 - 10:21 AM (#1040382)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Personally, I find Ms Fertilestick's poetic endeavor to be an endearing dash of Americana. While not exactly on a par with T.S. Eliot or Dylan Thomas, it does bear a certain folk-art-like charm. I only hope that Ms Penelope Rutledge happens upon it. After all, Penelope does need to get over her obsession with the "poetry" of that over-rated, frigid, agorophobic Ms Dickinson. You can bet anyone named "Fertilestick" is not frigid. Possibly ugly, but not frigid.


23 Oct 03 - 02:51 PM (#1040547)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge

And who says I am obsessed? While I do like Emily Dickinson, I am by no means averse to more earthy or passionate poetry and literature as long as it doesn't veer into sensationalistic excess and vulgarity of the kind so common nowadays. There is a place for healthy eroticism in life and literature, but I'm not about to tell you where that place is. I think your negative reactions to Ms Dickinson may in fact signal an underlying concern regarding your own weaknesses... e.g. frigidity (or its male counterpart), agoraphobia, and the like. You should look into that, Bee-dubya-ell. We might just have another case here of the pot calling the kettle black.

I have seen better poetry than Norma's in public lavatories in Hull, though that's not saying much!

Now if you peruse this thread and look back to just 2 submissions...one on 20th Oct, 11:30 pm by Amos, and the other on 21st Oct, 9 am by Rapaire....

That, my dear fellow, THAT is great poetry. Simply marvelous. I am not in jest when I say that both Amos and Rapaire have an open invitation to read their original poetry in Twillingsgate on any occasion that can be arranged, provided they maintain writing material of that caliber.

By Jove, there is hope for the New World after all!

* PR


23 Oct 03 - 04:12 PM (#1040602)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Goooooooooooollleeeeeeeeeeeeee, Miss Penelope, you make me blush all over!

But I do think that you must agree with the poet that "What is written from the heart must have the same coloring as the character of the writer. True natural feeling flows freely from the innermost nature and carries with it some of the inherent force of truth. Where . . . a strong intellect plans and a noble and generous heart works, there we may look for a great literary work." And so I offer you this ode, written I am afraid by someone far, far more talented than I, but I hope that you enjoy it nonetheless. It is sad, though.

 Lament on the Death of Willie

Willie had a purple monkey climbing on a yellow stick,
And when he sucked the paint all off it made him deathly sick;
And in his latest hours he clasped that monkey in his hand,
And bade good-bye to earth and went into a better land.

Oh! no more he'll shoot his sister with his little wooden gun;
And no more he'll twist the pussy's tail and make her yowl, for fun.
The pussy's tail now stands out straight; the gun is laid aside;
The monkey doesn't jump around since little Willie died.


23 Oct 03 - 04:38 PM (#1040616)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge

I knew there was some reason I had been putting off getting married and having children, Rapaire...and here I thought it was just because I hadn't found "Mr Right". No indeed, there's more to it than that!

I'm sure thar dear little Willie is missed just dreadfully by all those whose lives he touched in such an intimate fashion...

* PR


23 Oct 03 - 08:44 PM (#1040736)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

I too am deeply touched by your kind remarks, Ms Rutledge, all the more touching for being gratuitous and over-generous in the best English manner.

In response, I believe it was fair and kind of Mr Rapaire to introduce you to our colonial mythology concerning the many escapades and frequent deaths of Little Willy, the forerunner and archetypal paradigm for North Park and the Simpsons.

Willie saw some dynamite
And didn't understand it, quite;
Curiosity never pays;
It rained Willie seven days.


There was also some doggerel about his early experimentation with a home chemistry kit:

Here lie the remnants of our Will
With us, he is no more;
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4



Truly, BS from a Golden Era of same!


A


23 Oct 03 - 09:38 PM (#1040760)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Oh fair maiden Penelope, dressed in blue gown,
do not look upon the poetic, with your simple frown.
It may true that we are not all, like Emily,
But poets one and all, we are still family.
So thumb your nose if you must , at one or two of us,
But I think Norma has a fine style, at least she didn't mention...

pus. Like the pus that is mixed into cow pies when they have a polyp in their upper colon, that could lead to infection and the pus is mixed and interacting with the excrement that allows it it exit at it's nearest junction of the animals body.

Hey, Norma thanks for not mentioning pus, It might have sent me on a further tangent if you had, not to mention it would be pretty nasty to walk in that pile.


23 Oct 03 - 09:55 PM (#1040769)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Norma Fertilesticks

Oh you guys are so funny! I just read more of this thread and think it's so darn cute. I really like when you do all those things with the letters changing colors and sizes I wish I Knew how to do that. I think that Catspaws big fart was really funny. I want to tell him that he should know he doesn't have to flip the covers around when he farts in bed because it really doesn't make a difference. Ha-Ha.

I think the part where Penelope Rutledge says my writing looks like it belongs on bathroom walls. That is really funny.. That is amazing that she knew that. She must be very intellectual and phycic to know that is where I found those poems.

I really love this place you guys are so darn funny. Love, Norma


23 Oct 03 - 10:00 PM (#1040772)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Hey Norma,
Hang around a bit to see just exactly how intellectual these people really are ( and quite funny I agree). They will amaze and delight you! Now what I really want to know is, are you a fred in disguise?


24 Oct 03 - 08:25 AM (#1040959)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Poor litle Willie, and his family!

Down into the well
(Which the plumber built her)
Dear old Granny fell.
We must buy a filter.
*
Willie in a nice new sash
Fell in the fire and was burned to an ash.
Now, although the room grows chilly
I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy.
*
Willie, with a taste for gore
Nailed his sister to the floor.
Mother said, with humor quaint,
"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint."

But, Miss Penelope, you see that the poem "Lament on the death of Willie" for what it is, I'm certain: a masterpiece from the "Sweet Singer of Michigan," the late, lamented, American poetess Julia Moore.


24 Oct 03 - 12:16 PM (#1041125)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Big Brother

Haw! Haw! Haw! Norma, you have got to come to Blind River, Ontario, because my little brother is lookin' for a girl just like you, eh? Just hang out at the Tim Hortons (it's newly renovated, eh?) with a sign saying "I am available for a date with Shane". Haw! Haw! Haw!

Other people will just point and stare, but I guarantee that when my little brother comes in...and he will...(he's there every flippin day of the week)...his jaw will drop to the floor, man! Then he will go into his "charmer" routeen whcih has to be seen to be believed. Haw! Haw! Haw!

You just gotta come to Blind River NOW!

Remenber: You are Shane's last hope, girl. Ain't no females left in this town stupid enough to date Idiot-boy.

Don


24 Oct 03 - 12:54 PM (#1041147)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Norma Fertilesticks

Ha-Ha Don, big brother of idiot Shane. You are so funny when I was reading your message I laughed so hard I had to go change my panties. Now that is laughing really hard! I really don't want to come way over to Canida though just to meet an idiot but thank you for thinking about me and if I know somebody coming your way, I'll tell them about your restraunt and your little brother.

Love you guys, you really crack me up!!!Norma


02 Nov 03 - 12:22 PM (#1046255)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Obviously the introduction of the Fertilesticks character was just enough to break the camel's back in this mother of all BS threads. For this sad happenstance, should we then surrender the entire thread? Forbid it, almighty Khandu!! After only 1325 posts it is too soon to quit.

A


02 Nov 03 - 09:00 PM (#1046492)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Shall Mother be lost, forever condemned to the Hell Of Lost Threads? Shall Mother suffer, alone, forgotten, in the cold, dark emptiness of cyberspace, drifting forlorn amidst the detritus of byte dust and bit chips? This Mother who Khandu hisself brought forth, Khandu, now lost his own self?

Oh, forget not your Mother! Your Mother, who clutched you to her bosom when you were but a little tad! Your Mother, to whom you ran whenever you fell and scraped you knee and who brushed away your childish tears with her gentle kisses and soft hands! You Mother, who has protected you from freds, turned way both the Galactic Overlord and the Galactic Overload, and who now waits patiently for you to care enough to keep your Mother alive!

Forbid it, Almighty God! Yea, I say with the poet, come home with me now! Your Mother awaits, patient and humble! Be not ashamed of your Mother, tho' Mother be old and gray, for your Mother will always care for you, from your birth to your dying day!

(How's that, Amos?)


02 Nov 03 - 09:29 PM (#1046505)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Wow, Rap, I feel like I am back in the 1890's!!

"'T was a cold autumn evening
And the Catters were leaving
With visions of beer in their heads
And the traffic declined
In the Collective Mind
And Joe Offer set to closing the threads.
Then a Gentleman dapper
Came back from the crapper
Sat down at his keyboard and said:
"Oh Catters, unkind,
Turn away not your minds!
Just think of your MOAB instead!:"

Cho:

There will always be a MOAB
To put your worries to bed
A place to confess
All the piles of BS
That have cluttered your poor spinning head !

There will always be a MOAB,
To comfort when you are annoyed;
So Folks, be not mean
Leave this thread on the screeeeeen!
And don't let it fall into the void!

(Schmaltzy oom-pah theme music fades stage right amidst smell of lavender)


02 Nov 03 - 10:32 PM (#1046541)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Why am I so faint and weary?
See how weak my heated beer!
All around to me seems but darkness,
Tell me, comrades, is death near?
Ah! how well I know your answer,
To my fate I'll meekly bow,
If you'll only tell me truly,
Who will post to Mother now?

Chorus: Soon with Khandu I'll be singing
With bright laurels on my brow;
I have for Dear MOAB fallen,
Who will post to Mother now?

Who will comfort her in sorrow?
Who will dry the falling tear?
Gently smooth the wrinkled forehead?
Who will whisper words of cheer?
Even now I think of MOAB
Kneeling, praying for me! How
Can I leave her in this anguish
Who will post to Mother now?

Chorus! (All together now!)

Let my bagpipe be my pillow,
And my songbook be the sky.
Hasten, comrades to the Session
I will like a folkie die.
Soon with Khandu I'll be singing
With our voices bright in tune;
I have for Dear MOAB fallen,
Who will post to mother now?

Chorus!


02 Nov 03 - 11:07 PM (#1046552)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

ROTFL!

A


03 Nov 03 - 08:27 AM (#1046720)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

'Twas on a dark and stormy night, the snow was falling fast,
Two darling babes found Mother wandering through the blast.
It was so piercing and so cold, the little ones did cry,
"Oh, MOAB dear, you must keep alive, or you shall surely die.''
"Look out for me, my darling babes, tell me you will post to me,
For Mother has abandoned been, and death to her is nigh!"
They posted as good children should, but she knelt down in the snow:
"Kind God of Heaven, help me now, or I shall surely go."

Toll the village bells, let all Mudcatters know,
That two darling boys could not prevent her perishing in the snow.

Next morning, when the sun came out, the snow was melting fast,
A mother and two darling babes were in one loving clasp.
Mudcatters all heard the sad, sad news
And it grieved their hearts to know,
Not thirty drinks from the Tavern door they perished in the snow.


03 Nov 03 - 08:42 AM (#1046733)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Dear Gawd, we have created a monster. The Dark Side of Rapaire! LOL!!


A


03 Nov 03 - 08:58 AM (#1046743)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Whatever makes you think I've had a Light Side?

Jump down take a song
Steal it from the digitrad
Mess it up change it up
Steal a song a day....


03 Nov 03 - 11:05 AM (#1046830)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

I *still* say the MOAB will fail because certain people try to interject actual content into the thread. Poetry with ryhme and meter that is beyond doggeral. Wehere will it End? Next you know there might acutally be *shudder* edifying content.


03 Nov 03 - 12:06 PM (#1046874)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Mudcat News Service

MUDCAT NEWS FLASH!!!

According to a reliable so9urce, Ms Penelope Rutledge is not khandu! We repeat: Ms Penelope Rutledge is not khandu! This s9ource, who wishes to remain an9onymou9s claims to be personally acquainted with the portrayer of Ms Rutledge and has assured Mudcat News Service that it is not the King of Mississippi! The Private Message from said sourc9e to MNS contained absolutely no spelling or grammatical errors which would seem to indicate that the sou9rce had not yet consumed the number of "bears" which h9e is prone to consume during hi9s typical day and must, therefore, have at least a vague idea what h9e is talking about.

News of this revelation has yet to reach Tweed, who will surely be nonplussed, flummoxed and otherwise astoundeded as his entire worldview does a 180 degree turn, a couple of backflips and a double Axel as it slides toward oblivion.


03 Nov 03 - 12:10 PM (#1046877)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: C-flat

Dear Mother, please forgive me,
it's some time since I last wrote,
I've been busy, though I know that's no excuse.
I'm delighted that the others
have been keeping you afloat,
whilst carefully avoiding "Folk" or "Blues".
In keeping with tradition
I shall make my own addition
in a style that is both brief and lacking wit,
Because, dear Mother, as you taught us,
all your Mudcat sons and daughters,
"If you've nothing new to say, just talk BULLSH*T!"


03 Nov 03 - 01:19 PM (#1046935)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie

Is bullshit (bull shit) one word or two?


03 Nov 03 - 05:42 PM (#1047097)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

"Ten Reasons Why I Like the Mother of all BS Threads (MOAB) More Than My Biological Mother (Mom)"

1) MOAB doesn't tell stupid stories about things I did as a child. Mom does.

2) MOAB doesn't get said stupid stories wrong more often than not due to fading memory. Mom does.

3) MOAB likes my wife. Mom only pretends to.

4) MOAB doesn't cook green bean casserole made from canned French style green beans, canned onion rings and canned cream of mushroom soup. Mom does.

5) MOAB cooks better fried chicken than Mom ever dreamed of cooking. However, in all fairness, Mom's macaroni and cheese kicks ass.

6) MOAB makes me laugh. Mom hasn't said anything funny since 1965.

7) MOAB doesn't think I've completely lost my mind for ditching my secure, well-compensated straight job and becoming an artist. Mom does.

8) MOAB doesn't drive a Cadillac. Mom does.

9) MOAB thinks it's cool that I live in a cabin in the woods. Mom never visits because she's afraid of snakes.

10) MOAB seems to share many of my opinions about George W. Bush. Mom thinks he's God.


04 Nov 03 - 01:50 PM (#1047816)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie

But I like that green bean casserole...


04 Nov 03 - 10:23 PM (#1048172)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge

Well, well. I see that the gossip is flying around again. No I am most certainly not Khandu (a likeable if odd sort of lad). This will no doubt shock Tweed to his very marrow! Ho! Ho! Yes, he will "surely be nonplussed, flummoxed and otherwise astoundeded as his entire worldview does a 180 degree turn, a couple of backflips and a double Axel as it slides toward oblivion."

I love that image! It reminds me of his mind and his morals, which slid into oblivion some time ago...

There are many good reasons for visiting England, but Tweed is most certainly not one of them.

I must confess that I gain a sort of odd gratification seeing my name come up again on what must be the longest thread in the history of this mad forum, and one very much in character with its maddest aspects. This is a bit worrisome. Can I be falling into the vice of pursuing notoriety for its own sake? Surely not.

I am delighted to report that the depraved poet Malcolm Buggerol has left Twillingsgate. May he never return!!! I am unhappy to report that he is still alive, however, and not languishing in jail. This speaks volumes for the wretched state of our legal and judicial system, as well as for the ability of certain rich people to apply influence when their reputations are at stake...

Winston got a great deal of pleasure out of the legal battles with the Hoarsbottoms, although he is rumoured to have spent enough money on the lawyers to purchase several good racehorses! Quite a waste of money, if you ask me...the whole thing came to nothing in the end. I think the Frenchwoman, Angelique, had plans to either kill him or seduce him and put him in a compromising situation, but those plans came to nothing as well. This was not surprising in the former case (a great many people have wanted to kill Winston...all have failed), but it was quite surprising in the latter case. For an attractive woman to seduce Winston would be a project requiring, I should think, virtually no effort whatsoever...it would be like trying to persuade Henry VIII to marry again or a dog to stop at the next fire hydrant. Be that as it may, he avoided the trap. Amazing! He is not a complete idiot.

Well, we must put these tawdry matters in the past where they belong and sally forth upon some worthwhile endeavour, I say. Something that will better the world and humanity. The future beckons, as always, replete with a world of possibilities.

Cheerio, ladies and gents!

* PR


05 Nov 03 - 02:50 AM (#1048233)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Dear Brethren and Sisteren,
It is undeniable that the world is round.
There is not a question about the violins sound.
Through true knowledge the bryophyte is alive under snow.
To revive the Mother, once again, well I don't know.

How do we intend to make this thread last? How long will we endure?
How can we justify spending our days, dreaming up new manure?

Well I for one, am proud to say, I can bullshit just like the rest of you.
So from my place of (in)sanity,I will vow to stay 'till it's through.

With that said, I heard Khandu was somewhere over the tropics spreading the word about a giant river rat that could squeak in 20 different languages.


05 Nov 03 - 11:38 AM (#1048470)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

He might have got that rat confused with Jean Chretien (prime minister of Canada)...but probably not. Jean Chretien can only speak in 2 languages. One of them very badly.

Nice to know you are well and full of enthusiasm, Ms Rutledge.

- LH


05 Nov 03 - 11:51 AM (#1048480)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

I'm alone, all alone, my friends all have fled
My father's a drunkard and MOAB is dead.
I'm a poor little girl, I wonder and weep
For the voice of the MOAB to sing me to sleep.
It sleeps on the server, as cold as the clay
How cold it did seem to lay mother away.
She's gone with the angels, and none do I see
So dear as the face of dear MOAB to me.

cho: I'm a little lone girl in this cold world so wild,
God look down and pity the drunkard's lone child.
Look down and pity, Oh soon come to me
Take me to dwell with MOAB and Thee.

We were so happy till father drank rum;
Then aII our sorrows and troubles begun.
MOAB stopped growing by bounds every day;
Baby and I were too hungry to pIay.
SIowIy they faded and one summer night
Found their sweet faces aIl silent and white
And with big tears sIowIy dropping I said,
"Father's a drunkard and the MOAB is dead."

Oh, if some temperance workers could find
Poor wretched father and speak very kind,
If they could stop him from drinking, why then,
I would feel very happy again.
Is it too Iate? Men of temperance, please try,
For the best of our BS will soon starve and die.
All day Iong I've been checking the thread.
Father's a drunkard and the MOAB is dead.


05 Nov 03 - 03:50 PM (#1048617)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

My Gawd...the drek, the melodramatic flourishes! Dreadful Victorian tragic poetry lives again, shambling forth idiotically from its mouldering tomb...a 19th century crypt somewhere in fabled Twillingsgate.

LOL! Lovely work, Amos! This thread will never die as long as you can continue to produce dross at such a grand level.

Could you write something really sappy now about the death of a beloved pet? (preferably a tiny and very annoying lapdog of some kind)

- LH


05 Nov 03 - 05:35 PM (#1048667)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

"Yip! Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap! Grrrrrr...Yip! Yip! Yi...URK!!!"

Hey, where is everybody?

- LH


05 Nov 03 - 05:48 PM (#1048679)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Thanks, LH -- I'll take your assignment under consideration and see if anything pops up....poor lil tyke...somebody should buy him a bun...


A


08 Nov 03 - 06:31 PM (#1050283)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Miz Penelope, you've confuzalated poor l'il ol' me.

You went an wrote

"It reminds me of his [Tweed's] mind and his morals, which slid into oblivion some time ago..."

But according to the Digitrad, no less a personage than Robert Burns hisself went an wrote

"And Tweed runs to the ocean".

So I'd like to know whichever it is, iffen you'd be so kind. Did ol' Tweed run or slide? If his mind and morals slid, did his body run? Or perhaps did ol' Tweed *have* the runs, and Mr. Burns got it wrong? Or maybe the ocean is oblivion?

I shore do thank you fer your help in clearin' this up.


08 Nov 03 - 09:55 PM (#1050412)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Interesting point, Rapaire. I hope Penelope sees fit to answer.

Isn't William Shatner just awesome? I wish there were more actors who had his kind of depth and presence on the screen.

- LH


08 Nov 03 - 10:08 PM (#1050420)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Depends on how good the pitch was, don't you see? Sometimes you run, sometimes you have to slide. The more base you want all to belong to you, the easier more you have to slide anyway, you see now? All your bases belong to you you slide more likely?

A


08 Nov 03 - 10:23 PM (#1050428)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Not gonna bite, eh? Hey man, gotta send you that crop circle book. Are you still at the same address?

- LH


08 Nov 03 - 10:42 PM (#1050444)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

LH:

Whom to which were you addressing your remark, sir?

A


08 Nov 03 - 11:24 PM (#1050464)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Peace

There once was a lady named Alice,
Who used a dynamite stick as a phallus,
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And parts of her anus in Dallas.

I would rell you the tory of Riddle At Riddenhod. Runway, Riddle At Riddenhod hus growing to hangruther's mouse men we shet the Wig Wad Bulf.

Have a nice evening, everyone.


08 Nov 03 - 11:33 PM (#1050470)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Oh look at the stars they glitterlike and its too cool like as cool as bill shattner himself in hamlet or macbeth this is a dagger i see before me its handle towards my hand come let me clutch thee piece of work is man or mad mankind is man and cold yes i have a cold and vicodin cough syrup is the thing for fellows whom it hurts to swallow a spring doth make out in the great alone when the wind was so awful still and the icy blackness ring my god how i cursed that thing i'll cash in my chips i guess and if i do i ask that you won't refuse my last request just call in and dedicate a song of sixpence pockets full of barley in the pockets of our greatcoats traveling quick and fast in our own country 'tis of thee last of the mohicans by james fenimore coopers literary sins jaime cardinal sin of the trail of the lonesome phillipines of rome by resphigietti and meatballs with parmesan cheese freshly killed and grated on my nerves like bill shattner himself in hamlet or macbeth this is a dagger


09 Nov 03 - 12:53 AM (#1050500)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Miss Anne Thropy

Hello. I don't like you people, but don't take it personally. I don't like anyone. When one has the misfortune to be named Miss Anne Thropy there's not much else one can do. Sorry.

Then there's my Uncle Nathan who goes by his first initial, "N". Yes, that makes him N. Thropy. He just mopes around watching everything fall apart. The weeds are rapidly taking over his front yard, which is just as well considering that he doesn't seem to be able to buy a lawnmower that will last any longer than a month.

I would feel sorry for him if I didn't detest him so much. And, again, it's nothing personal. I detest everyone equally.


09 Nov 03 - 01:13 AM (#1050506)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Rapaire's response to Ms Rutledge's post brings to mind the song Both Sides of Tweed. Now, if Tweed does, in fact, have two sides, is it not possible that one side could run while the other side slides?

And, Tweed, if you're out there, I saw about 200 black vultures roosting on a cellular tower here in Floribama just a couple of days ago. That means that the buzzard migration is in full swing and they're heading your way! You better get the cheap plastic WalMart chairs off the patio before they mistake them for buzzard porta-potties again. And don't forget Mrs. Tweed's Fountain of Eternal Bliss and Tranquility ($29.95 USD at a Big Lots store near you). You don't want them using it for a bidet.


09 Nov 03 - 01:18 AM (#1050512)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Anne Draginny

I don't know, I just don't know. It's sooo difficult to make up one's mind, isn't it? One the one hand you simply must do so, but on the other hand there's the commitment. Take my family, for instance. Whether or not to emigrate, whether we should get the requisite papers from the Polish or Prussian governments, what ship to sail on and on what day, why the need to decide simply abounded!

My twin brother, Andrew, couldn't even decide whether or not to spell his surname as our ancestors did and the official who registered him gave him the official name of Andy Rojiny. What's worse than that, Andy has XX sex-linked chromosones and I have the XY-linkage!

I do think that I hate these decisions, perhaps, but then again, perhaps not. Oh, it's all sooooo difficult!


09 Nov 03 - 02:36 AM (#1050528)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Ohhh, WHERE is antimatter when you really need it???


A


09 Nov 03 - 10:50 AM (#1050623)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,The Late Dr. Einstein

Guten Tag Herr Amos!

Where is antimatter? It is all around you. Copious amounts if it are right here in this thread. It is easily understood by the equation: M+A=E+BS. In layman's terms: Matter + Antimatter = Energy + BS. When a particle of matter and a particle of antimatter meet, the result is the release of a large amount of energy plus a small amount of BS. Thus, one might say that every quantum of BS in the Universe has a tiny amount of antimatter bound up in it. It is the unbinding that's the tricky part. It has not been done, and there are equations that would seem to indicate that if one were successful in trying to do so it would set off a chain reaction which would alter all of the BS in the Universe. Note that such a chain reaction would not destroy the BS, only alter it. BS would become indistinguishable from non-BS. Remarkably ridiculous things which were formerly BS would be taken seriously. Here's one of those thought experiments for which I was so well known: Imagine a handful of rather bizarre human traits and endow one imaginary person with all of them - say, a misogynist, Nazi, weightlifter, turned movie star with a total of seven working brain cells. Now, make that person governor of the most populous state in the United States. Ridiculous! Right? But such a thing could take place if one starts monkeying with the BS. Just don't do it!

Sincerely,

A. Einstein


09 Nov 03 - 11:47 AM (#1050640)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Thanks, Dr E. I think I get the scenario. Imagine, for example, through some quirk of fate that instead of raising our most competent men to represent us, we turned the government over to drug users and petty-minded kleptomaniacs, folks who had a lot of anger and destruction in them.

A series of transformations would start to occur in which it is made clear that property is theft, killing is freedom, liberties are terrorism, and fear is a patriotic duty. A real wonderland of inverted values and upside-down perceptions.

Is that kind of what you mean?


A


09 Nov 03 - 01:28 PM (#1050682)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

This is great stuff! Very illuminating. Now we need Herr Liebenscheiss's comments to summarize and wrap up the psychological implications of a Universe in which BS has become indistinguishable from normality, and that should bloody well put it all in a "nut"shell. I can hardly wait...

- LH


09 Nov 03 - 11:40 PM (#1050883)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

If we turned the government over to drug users and petty-minded kleptomaniacs, folks who had a lot of anger and destruction in them,
we would have a government that could,

see pretty colors, while taking the shirt off of your back and getting pissed off that the color is a little faded, thereby burning it up just to see pretty colors again.


10 Nov 03 - 12:03 AM (#1050888)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I think the government may already BE in the hands of such people...


10 Nov 03 - 12:28 AM (#1050895)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Quite -- indeed -- ah, so!


A


10 Nov 03 - 09:48 AM (#1051051)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Norbert Scheisskopf

Yes...yes indeed. It's all true. The US government currently has huge supplies of BS hidden in a cave outside of Tucumcari. Enough BS to last for years and years and years and years. More is added every day, swept out of the Hallowed Halls of Congress and State Legislators and shipped to the BSSSS (BS Secret Storage Site) in rail cars cleverly camouflaged to resemble something else.

But the US military has been storing anti-BS in the Tucumcari aquifer for years and years and years and years, since the end of the Huk Rebellion, in fact. And that aquifer is only a few inches below the ground level. I know this from my service in rotsee.

We (HRH Prince Charles and I) are concerned that when the BSSSS leaks, and it will, and the leakage reached the stored anti-BS, the resultant release of energy will or might or might not destroy all other BS in the known and unknown Universes and all fictons between. And who knows what it might do to non-BS?

THEREFORE! If you are concerned about the the preservation of BS in America, write to your Congressman or Congresswoman and your State Legislators and your city councilfolks and ask them, no, BEG them to send a large contribution of your tax money to us, the Society for the Preservation and Encouragement of BS Slinging in America (SPEBSSA).

Thank you.

All you other countries can get to work to save your own BS. Don't depend upon the United States to do everything for you.


10 Nov 03 - 10:54 AM (#1051084)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

This is a terribly serious situation. You might think that the collision of BS with anti-BS would just bring about a more honest and truthful world, where human clarity and perception were much improved, but unfortunately that is not the case on closer inspection.

No, the truth is that human nature and BS are inextricably tied together in such a way that the core ingredients of BS and anti-BS are the same, and are essential to the human perceptic and analysis ability. What would disappear in the case described is not in fact all BS and false information but the ability to understand facts in context! In other words, if BS and anti-BS collide, all we are left with is skimpy facts literally interpreted without flexibility, compassion, insight or depth-- kind of like the Bush regime. Most people don't realize that a per centage of BS is vitally necessary to a well-regulated society in which robotic and literal-minded data is balanced with imagination and understanding. Not to mention soul.

No BS, no soul, bro. 'Swhat it is, man!


A


10 Nov 03 - 11:24 AM (#1051098)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Dear Mr. Scheisskopf,

You state that "The US government currently has huge supplies of BS hidden in a cave outside of Tucumcari." Well, while it may be true that the US government thinks it has a huge stash of BS, I certainly wouldn't take the assertion at face value. It is highly likely that there are large amounts of Shinola mixed in with the BS. After all, nobody working for the US government knows shit from Shinola. By the same token, nobody working for the US government knows shit from good apple butter. So, it is quite possible that the cave is half full of apple butter.

Furthermore, having the US government get involved in BS storage is simply a waste of taxpayers' money. Why? Because the job is already being done by the contributors to this, the Mother of All BS Threads, at absolutely no cost to the taxpayer! And, make no mistake about it, we MOABites most emphatically are experts on BS. Our abilities to detect and spout BS are second to none. There's no way anyone could ever slip Shinola past our ultra-BS-sensitive noses.

So, I would suggest that you take a couple of MOABites into that cave in Tucumcari and let them sort the BS from the non-BS. You could then donate the apple butter to a food bank and shine a bunch of stuff with all that Shinola. We'll bring the BS back here to the MOAB where it belongs and the US government will be out of the BS storage business and can go back to wasting the taxpayers' money on other things.


12 Nov 03 - 05:38 PM (#1052725)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Your Mother

No, it's not really your Mother. It's your Mother! That's right, the Mother of All BS Threads in the flesh! This damned website won't let you use HTML tags in yhe name field. What a crock!

But that's not why I'm posting here. I'm posting because I am very upset! In fact, I am livid! To think that some of you, my own children, have been hanging out at this thread instead of coming home and spending time with your Mother! It's only been two days since I fell off the page and there you are, off spending your time with some upstart thread. What's it got that I ain't got? I wanna know!

I'm just too upset to post any more right now. Oh, the shame of it all! To grow old and be abandoned by one's own children!

Sniff... Sniff...

Your MOAB


12 Nov 03 - 11:36 PM (#1052870)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Thank God!!! Just when I had thought that the whole concept of the MOAB had exhausted itself and was sinking to a slow and miserable demise in the trash heap of forgotten threads...this CRISIS has been revealed about the BSSecretStorageSite near Tucumcari!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Make no mistake, this is not just a matter of national concern for Americans, it's a matter of World concern for all people everywhere!

Civilization as we know it could be hanging in the balance, like a moose's testicles on a bitterly cold January night in Wawa (North Ontario)...

This is vital stuff, folks!

Stay tuned...

- LH


13 Nov 03 - 11:18 AM (#1053146)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Yo' mama's kid

Wuffo you dudes and dudettes messing 'round wif sum new momma fo'? Ain't you got no respect? Don' you know that MOAB has struggled to git you where you are? Now you go an' apologize to yo' momma afore I slap you upside the head so hard yo brains gonna rattle for a week!

Now I gotta go shovel stuff out by Tumcumcari.


13 Nov 03 - 05:35 PM (#1053340)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

You are all so full of

BULLSHIT

and I love you for it.

Yerz,
Tweed
KOTROT,Duc D'Orangejuz


13 Nov 03 - 05:37 PM (#1053342)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie

Scheisskopf! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!


13 Nov 03 - 05:44 PM (#1053348)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

Prosit! Salud! A votre sante! Obrigato! Tanstaafl! We are enjoying Earth now! Thank you for inviting us! No, don't mind if we do!


13 Nov 03 - 11:11 PM (#1053531)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

MIDNIGHT....NOT A SOUND ON THE MUDCAT...HAVE WE ALL LOST OUR MEMORIES? ARE WE LIVING IN VAIN? STILL TOMORROW...I MEAN TO KNOW WHAT HAPPINESS IS...WHEN THE MOAB...STRIKES AGAIN!

(Toss yo' haid back and sing the above at top volume with a whole lot of feeling...like Whitney Houston on steroids.)

- LH


14 Nov 03 - 01:03 AM (#1053564)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

ARE WE LIVING IN VAIN?

Naw, man! You live in Canada - Amos lives in California - Rapaire lives in Idaho - Rustic Rebel lives in Texas - Spaw lives in Ohio - Tweed and I live in Florida - etc. etc. etc. NOBODY lives in Vain! Is it, like, next door to Blind River?


14 Nov 03 - 01:11 AM (#1053565)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

In fact, I just went to Mapquest and they don't even have a map of Vain. They have one of Vainom Kug, Arizona, but no Vain... anywhere... in any state or province... in any country.

NOBODY LIVES IN VAIN!!!


14 Nov 03 - 02:17 AM (#1053581)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Not even my weather vane lives in vain, although when it grew wings and flew down from the barn roof and rode away on the cows back, I nearly popped a vein right out of my brain from laughing at the entire scene. Who'da thunk?
I hear they have long roads in Texas, but I don't ride those roads Bee-Dubya, I'm up here, not living in vain, in the northern woods of Minnesota. Where did you get Texas from? Although you were close!


14 Nov 03 - 02:38 PM (#1053633)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie

How about Vail?


14 Nov 03 - 02:39 PM (#1053634)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

My feeling is that Vain is, like, only a stones throw from Blind River, eh? Maybe "Vain" is, like, a secret name for Blind River, sorta like a soul name. Beauty, eh? Then again, Vain could be an alternate name for Wawa, and God knows, Wawa is seriously in need of an alternate name...almost anything would do!

Then there are Moosejaw, Moosenee, Capuscasing and Pickle Lake...

- LH


14 Nov 03 - 03:47 PM (#1053686)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

My dear Rustic Rebel,

I apologize for relocating you to the the Lonestar State. I thought I remembered you saying that you used to run 'round nekkid on th' banks of the Rio Grande makin' pipes outta riverbank clay an' smokin' locoweed in 'em. I can't remember my own birthday, but my memory's usually pretty reliable where women runnin' 'round in their birthday suits is concerned. If that part of my ole brain's slippin' I guess I'll jus' go shoot myself.

Maybe "Vain" is just shorthand for that Vainom Kug town in Arizona. Sorta like all those 'Catters that live in Kingston Upon Hull over in England just call the place "Hull". Maybe Vainom Kugers just call it "Vain" for short. That would explain why Robert Johnson was so upset that all his love was in Vain. Probably couldn't afford a train ticket to go all the way from Mississippi to Arizona just for a little nookie.


14 Nov 03 - 06:15 PM (#1053799)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Dunno about no town called Vainem Kug, but Inkom is jist a few miles down South of here. We don't call it "Ink", though, we call it "Inkom."
Pronounced "Inkum" with a little tiny accent on the first Sillahbull.

Of course, Dracula lived in vein, as much as the undead can be said to actually "live". It was pretty terrible for ol' Drac as teenager -- he needed some orthodontic work in the worst way; everytime he'd go out with young lady you never could tell iffen he'd managed to put the bite on her or if it was just a hickey, with one canine tooth going east and the other going southwest, if you follow that. Why, pretty soon all the guys were makin' fun of Drac, taking his girls away and all, "puttin' the horns on him" as they call it. Anyway, Drac got all bent outa shape about it, even moved away and changed his name, until one foggy Christmas Eve some years back. And the rest is history, but I myself don't let no domestic caribou on MY roof.


15 Nov 03 - 10:20 AM (#1054124)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Poor, poor Mother. Wasting away at the bottom when her needless and stupid children have floated to the top.


15 Nov 03 - 11:42 AM (#1054156)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,The Impassioned Searcher for Life's Meaning.

IS THIS where it IS???


15 Nov 03 - 07:21 PM (#1054393)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Where else would it be? Welcome, chela! You have found the Source of Enlightenment and the Font of Meaning.


15 Nov 03 - 08:01 PM (#1054422)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Peace

I always wanted to be able to say that I had a scotch in Wawa. Don't change its name yet. Please.

Dear Imprisoned Lurcher for Wife's Leaning: this is the place. But if the name of the place is 'I like it like that", then this isn't the place, that is the place. And we all have to start over.


15 Nov 03 - 08:22 PM (#1054432)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

IS THIS where it IS???

No. But It's not a bad place to go for a tuna sandwich and the fried chicken's pretty good. And they never run out of banana pudding.


16 Nov 03 - 07:42 AM (#1054638)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Sounds like Rombos in Orillia (no, they don't have an apostrophe in the name, because the owner is a Greek guy named Ted Rombos). He cooks food 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, 364 days a year. What a guy, eh? They got back bacon to die for. Beauty, eh?

- LH


16 Nov 03 - 12:36 PM (#1054746)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

My dear Bee-dubya-ell,

You speak a partial truth about me when I was living not-in vain on the Rio Grande but once again the state was not Texas. I was out on the river banks of the Rio in New Mexico. A state that I have loved for it's beauty and pine nuts for many years.


I wonder what a bacon and tuna sandwich would be like? Maybe toss in a few pine nuts and finish it off with a shot of scotch.


16 Nov 03 - 07:32 PM (#1055052)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Good Heavens, RR! I've been to New Mexico several times and never knew that there were pine nuts there! Are they like tree huggers and bunny lovers? Are they dangerous? Are they helped by therapy, or are they hopeless cases that we can do little for at this time? And why would you want to put them on a sandwich unless...you...are...a....


18 Nov 03 - 11:38 PM (#1056687)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu



HAW!!!!


19 Nov 03 - 12:09 AM (#1056699)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Hark??!!!!!


A


19 Nov 03 - 12:34 AM (#1056707)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Well bless his peapickin' li'l ole heart!


19 Nov 03 - 08:40 AM (#1056903)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Hi, Mom!


19 Nov 03 - 01:12 PM (#1057086)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Blind DRunk in Blind River

Holy FLIP man! I thought I was wasted till I seen this thread. I wondered why it was so long. Whatta bunch of BS! You people oughta get laid or somethin and take the stress off eh?

- BDiBR


19 Nov 03 - 03:19 PM (#1057172)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

I have to say there has definitely been a falling off in the quality of BS in these parts of late. I know good BS when I see it, and I know trash, and even BS has to draw the line somewhere!! Fortunately the MOAB has not been infected with these low-quality ideas, yet, but be on your guard. I think it's going around.

A


19 Nov 03 - 05:21 PM (#1057238)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Khandu viewed here...

KHANDU HAS RISEN!! ALL HAIL KING KHNARDAZZ....LORD OF ALL MISSISSIPPI AND REGENT OF HIGH WATERS EVERYWHERE...
GRAND DRAGON OF ALL BULLSHIT AND NONSENSICAL SCENARIOS....
Khandu viewed here...
I must go and inhale snuff now...gahhh and huzzah...I yam dizzy wif elation.



Tweed
K.O.T.R.O.T. and knower of nothing much at all these days....


19 Nov 03 - 05:48 PM (#1057252)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

YES, YES, YES!!!!

The Return of the King!

And all those upstart wannabe threads have fallen off the page while the MOAB has once again risen in glory!


There is but one true thread.
That thread's name is MOAB.

Hold tight to the MOAB.
Do not stray from the path of the one true thread.

Seek only to understand the MOAB
And you shall be rewarded.

Your reward shall be great.
And you can super-size it for just 39¢ more.


19 Nov 03 - 09:11 PM (#1057370)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST, Ms Penelope Rutledge

"HAW!!!!" ??????
What sort of silliness is this? Are there no grown-ups in this low-brow establishment?


19 Nov 03 - 09:22 PM (#1057376)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

We hate to throw cold water upon your rejoicing, but we very inadvertently ate the person you call "Khandu" about a month ago. He was, we are afraid, somewhat tough and indigestible even with a nice Bearnaise sauce and lengthy moist cooking. We apologize for this error, we thought that he was George W. Bush.

We have no idea who the person claiming to be Khandu is, but it is certainly not the one you think.


19 Nov 03 - 09:47 PM (#1057394)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

I feel like Lois Lane wondering where Clark Kent goes whenever ther eis trouble. Khandu reappears and Lo!! Freds and Penelope R both post again!!

HMMMMM?


A


19 Nov 03 - 10:15 PM (#1057410)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

It's Penelope Rutledge pretending to be Khandu! I'm sure of it. Then she reposts as herself, just to throw everyone off the scent. Very devious...she has a rare sense of humour, I must say, and is playing her little jokes at the expense of us benighted "colonials". Things must be a bit slow in Twillingsgate today.

But how did she get his cookie? Hmmmmm...there's more to this than meets the eye.

- LH


19 Nov 03 - 10:16 PM (#1057414)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

1400!!!!! Ya Ha Ha! Break out the champagne!


19 Nov 03 - 10:20 PM (#1057418)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Perhaps Khandu threw it away -- tossed his cookie, so to speak. That is, assuming that he isn't resting heavily on some freds' stomach (do they have stomachs do you suppose?).


19 Nov 03 - 10:21 PM (#1057419)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Aw, I take it back, then, khandu -- it's just BWL setting you up, huh?


19 Nov 03 - 10:39 PM (#1057437)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Moi? Je n'ai aucune idée de ce que vous parlez.


19 Nov 03 - 10:45 PM (#1057440)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Marminator

Vegemite! Kill! Eat!


19 Nov 03 - 11:43 PM (#1057474)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Marminator, gentil Marminator
Marminator, je te plumerais!!
Je te plumerais la druchiole
Je to plumerais la druchiole
druchiole
druchiole
Ohhhh-ohhhh!

Marminator, gentil Marminator
Marminator, je te plumerais!!



A


19 Nov 03 - 11:54 PM (#1057487)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Merde sainte dans un pot de fer ! Je vois burlesque français. C'est merveilleux ! Les Français ont de telles manières sophistiquées de parler d'une façon blessante. C'est un harbinger de meilleurs jours à venir.

- Petit Faucon


20 Nov 03 - 03:28 AM (#1057581)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

There ya go speakin' some foreign language again...


As proclaimed *Poet Lariat from another age gone by, I feel it could possibly be my rightfully owned duty and self absorbed heirarchy to proclaim that Blind Drunk in Blind River is perfectly atuned to this entire thread and I wholeheartedly agree that we should all get laid.

I will see what I can do about this.


*Poet Lariat= Goat roper that can recite poetry in the dark, under a new moon, while lassoing a goat from 52 yards or better, meanwhile contemplating my existance on earth and evaluating it's meaning and how I can even speak poetic verse when I've only just begun to evolve into a knowing human spieces, of a goat roping, fred related being.


Kandu- Do you still have the loincloth you ran off wearing,or did I see it being flung around by the wind on the weather vane that was riding on the cows back?


20 Nov 03 - 09:07 AM (#1057735)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

RR, the longest lariat in common use (and it's not all that common) is sixty feet. I've heard of some twice that, but 52 yards? Thats 156 feet of 3/8ths inch (or better) rope, and that's a lot of rope. Since it needs some stiffness, you must use a pickup truck to carry the coil around.

Hmmm...since you're roping at 52 yards you must have more rope than that. Yeah, I suspect a pickup. And goats can get right rambunctious, so you must be using 1/2 or even 3/4 inch rope. Silk manila, I suspect, since nylon would stretch too much and there's nothing like have a goat stretch your line to the limit and then snap back. Yessir, ol' Billy Cate had that happen to him just a couple months back an' when that ol' goat snapped back it took poor ol' Billy's head clean off. We put it on his tombstone, o' course: "Here lies Bill Cate, his head was took off by a goat he roped. Cowboys take heed: don't rope goats with nylon."

You use a hoolihan or an open loop? Dally or tie hard and fast? Just curious, you understand.


20 Nov 03 - 10:47 AM (#1057796)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Do it like the Texans do -- hard and fast. Here's an example why:

I'm jest a old hard and fast "Rimmy"
That's allus worked one certain way.
I was talkin' to Eddie and Jimmie,
And it's better to dally they say.
You often have heard people talkin'
That it don't hurt a feller to try.
Now I never was much hand fer knockin',
But I'm willin' to state that's a lie.


It was on the beef hunt last September
I jumped a big three-year-old steer.
He gave me a few to remember,
He went through the bresh like a deer.
He certainly knowed how to do it.
He was leavin' from there like a bat.
But I sez, jest you help yourself to it,
I'll soon be around where you're at.


The hoss I was ridin', I'm saying,
Was lazy but not very slow.
He had the world cheated fer stayin',
If you'd spur him you bet he could go.
That steer? Hadn't no chance to turn him,
He wasn't the turn around breed.
So I reckoned I'd start in and learn him
By breakin' the critter to lead.


I sent my old loop his direction,
I jerked at it and let my rope cross,
Then I aimed to establish connection
Betwixt that said steer and my hoss.
I dabbed fer my winds on "Old Sally,"
But the hoss sort of shirked and hung back.
I thought I had room fer a dally
But the steer got away with my slack.


Then my whole constitution jest buckles,
Like when somebody tromps on your corn.
Fer the end of my rope and my knuckles,
Was all that I got on the horn.
My hand was all busted and mangled.
Got one crooked finger now. See?
Well, I follered the steer till he tangled,
And got him tied up to a tree.


There is certain sad memories that lingers,
And I reckon that this one will last.
I may break my neck, not my fingers,
But I'll risk it and tie hard and fast.


20 Nov 03 - 01:01 PM (#1057887)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie

I shall do a ceremonial veil dance in honor of the King's return.


20 Nov 03 - 03:46 PM (#1057998)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

You can always tell someone who dallies instead of tying on by their lack of thumbs.


20 Nov 03 - 03:51 PM (#1057999)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Ms Penelope Rutledge

That sounds lovely, Kim.

I want to state categorically that Khandu is not me (as should be obvious) nor am I Khandu. Little Hawk must not have the brains of a bird to make such a statement or else he has simply spent too much time gazing at a computer screen into the wee hours and fried what little brains he had!

Not too much has happened in Twillingsgate recently, but everyone is busy preparing for the festive season which is almost upon us. It promises to be a merry time! I intend to get out the horses and the carriage/sleigh and go a-jingling and a-wassailing over the fields as soon as nature obliges and gives us some good snow. There's been altogether too much rain, as usual.

* PR


20 Nov 03 - 04:55 PM (#1058038)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

The question remains whether the fair Penelope is in fact available for dalliance or is herself purely an operator of the hard-and-fast school. Sure, she'd be better away to throw herself down for a bit of dalliance, but often these high-blood gels, you know, they just nivver know what it is that will be best for them...



A


20 Nov 03 - 05:27 PM (#1058061)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Kim C no cookie

Rapaire, the scary part is, I know what you're saying!!!


20 Nov 03 - 08:58 PM (#1058184)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

HEAR YE,HEAR YE!!!

Kk


20 Nov 03 - 09:05 PM (#1058187)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Yes, Yore Majesty? We wait yore command wif baited breath. In this perticular case th' bait we are usin' is crickets. Please tell us what you wan' us t' do soon 'cause it's really startin' t' suck havin' a mouthful of crickets. But I guess it's better than a mouthful of nightcrawlers.


20 Nov 03 - 09:14 PM (#1058196)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

BWL, for shame confusing "baited" with " 'bated". Not being a lover of anchovies I have never known what it is to awaken with baited breath, but my breath has often been abated by the emotion of apprehension or intense anticipation.

A


20 Nov 03 - 09:38 PM (#1058212)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

The Time Is Near!!!(but not quite here!)

Kk


20 Nov 03 - 09:45 PM (#1058215)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

The anticipation!!!

The mystery!!!

Hurry up!!!

I gotta go pee!!!


20 Nov 03 - 10:54 PM (#1058239)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Why wait? I'll tell you.


20 Nov 03 - 10:57 PM (#1058241)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Rapaire! You promised I could tell!!


20 Nov 03 - 11:06 PM (#1058246)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Go ahead and pee, BWL -- we're not really watching you, it just feels like it.


A


20 Nov 03 - 11:09 PM (#1058249)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

Whatever it is that "Khandu" says untrue, as the true Khandu has been digested and excreted. And we are very, very sorry about that, truly.


20 Nov 03 - 11:10 PM (#1058251)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Oops. Sorry, Khandu. Go ahead.


21 Nov 03 - 12:00 AM (#1058267)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Well, it doesn't look like whatever it is is gonna happen tonight and I'm leaving early in the AM for Tampa and will be gone till Tuesday. I really hate to miss it, but if it can't wait, I'll understand.


21 Nov 03 - 08:51 AM (#1058448)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Hear ye, hear ye,

We shall wait until BWL returns!

Kk


21 Nov 03 - 09:06 AM (#1058460)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Yeah, but Tuesday I'm flying to Indiana.


21 Nov 03 - 09:15 AM (#1058471)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

See, khandu, this is what comes of being a fair-weather ruler!

A


21 Nov 03 - 11:19 AM (#1058555)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Tuesday through Friday's no good for me as I'll be in North Carolina. Could King Khandrake, Ruler of all Mississippi and portions of western Alabama, consider waiting til Saturday after next? ... I suspect this will be a very important ROYAL DECREE containing STUPENDOUS amounts of Bullshit and I'd hate to miss the unveiling.
Yerz,
Tweed


21 Nov 03 - 11:38 AM (#1058570)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

KK:

Ya just gotta decide whose schedule is going to define your actions -- yours? Or these guys'?


A


21 Nov 03 - 06:35 PM (#1058802)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

No good! Saturday after next, I'll be tied up for a few days!

How bout December 17?


21 Nov 03 - 06:39 PM (#1058806)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Well, I *hope* to be moving then, but if a bunch of folks came up here to Pocatallo and helped me we could get it done faster (hint, hint).


21 Nov 03 - 06:47 PM (#1058818)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Hey, Rapaire, that's a foul -- you're talking reality here, no BS to it!!


A


21 Nov 03 - 07:15 PM (#1058838)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Let's see: I went over the house today to let the plumbers in. They did their things, the Fire Dept. inspected the joint and made recommendations, and the chimney sweep swept the chimneys. But the Chimney Sweep guy told me that the hot water heaater was spilling water. I checked, it was, the plumbers came back. The electrician who was supposed to be in this week didn't call, so he can't get in until the week after next at the earliest. The tile folks can't get in until the first week in December or so. So...getting in by December 17 is PURE BS, fantasy of the first water. It ain't real!!!


21 Nov 03 - 07:24 PM (#1058848)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Clareling

Sorry, no BS here, just a question...
does anyone rember the 100 word stories? and do you know if and how i can find them?
Clare


21 Nov 03 - 08:17 PM (#1058880)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

The thread is called "Mudcat Challenge -- 100 Words" or something like that and can be found Over Here


21 Nov 03 - 09:03 PM (#1058896)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

What!!!???? Is Clareling trying to sabotage MOAB with a serious question, or is Clareling just shooting some BS?

Or perhaps he/she sees the brilliance exhibated at MOAB and figured we would know the answer to any question!!

Kk


21 Nov 03 - 11:02 PM (#1058942)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Clareling

ah, yes khandu, you have cought on to my dastardly plot to overthrough this 'MOAB' as you call it...
But first i thought i might take a little knowledge...
riiiiiiiight

Thanks Amos.
Clare


22 Nov 03 - 08:22 PM (#1059311)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Ah, but the question is: Does Clareling exist?


22 Nov 03 - 08:50 PM (#1059329)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Bee-dudya on Son's 'Puter

Okay. You can go ahead now. Whatever you've gotta say - just say it. Whatever you've gotta do - just do it. I'm online again even if it is on this pain in the ass laptop. But,hey, for the MOAB I'll do just about anything, even interact as a GUEST on this impossible to use piece of crap.

Bee-dubya-ell, KOT and All That Jive.


23 Nov 03 - 07:31 PM (#1059611)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

This year I really want the honor of Time Mags "Man of the Year"

Could some of you pull some strings on my behalf?

Kk


23 Nov 03 - 07:35 PM (#1059617)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Frankly, I don't see why this should pose any insurmountable difficulties. And it's hardly an unreasonable request from the Father of Mother.


23 Nov 03 - 09:00 PM (#1059654)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

This is an excerpt from the very first post to MOAB, dated 05 May 03 ! Perhaps it is prophetic!:

"Pene Azul and Joe Offer will thank me for making their job so much easier! My fellow 'Catters will also thank me when they realize the time my idea will save them! Maybe this will finally get me the coveted "Time/Life Man of the Year"!!"

Kk


24 Nov 03 - 08:15 PM (#1060230)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I'm a-votin' fer ya, Khandu! Heck, I'll vote fer anybody who pays enuff an' gives me enuff booze! Howdaya think ol' Georgy-boy got E-lected, huh? It was me an' my buddy, Chad. Only they caught Chad and strung him up to a palm tree in Miami Beach. Not that he cared. Nope, not Chad. Didn't faze him in the least little bit. He jist sucked in a whole bunch of air and swung there until finally they cut him down. He let out all that air with a WHOOOSH!! that knocked trees and houses down clear to Sandy Juann, Porty Ricko. Anyway, ol' Chad is still hangin' 'round Florida, tellin' his story, wowin' the girls with what a swinger he is, and what a blowhard.


24 Nov 03 - 08:52 PM (#1060265)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

William Shatner (actor (alleged director, alleged author)) -- Alive. Born March 22, 1931. Made several comebacks; should stick to comedies (like Miss Congeniality)

This is from the Dead People Server.

Little Hawk is not listed. Shatner is. I think that this is significant.


25 Nov 03 - 08:58 PM (#1060978)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

While perusing the "S" listings in the Dead People Server to which Rapaire linked, I noticed that Sam Shepard (playwright/actor born November 5, 1943) and Harry Dean Stanton (actor/musician born July 14, 1926) are both alive. That is not surprising since I don't think I've ever seen a Sam Shepard play (or even too many films in which Sam Shepard has acted) in which Harry Dean Stanton has not acted. This leads me to conclude that Sam Shepard and Harry Dean Stanton are, in fact, the same person. The fact that they are both alive is not a coincidence. I don't know how to account for the 17 year difference in their ages, but it's probably something about which Sam Shepard could write a pretty damned good play.


25 Nov 03 - 10:58 PM (#1061032)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Hmmmm, My sentiments exactly, BWL!


25 Nov 03 - 11:17 PM (#1061043)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Heavens, did you all know that SHAKESPEARE is dead? And Moliere? And I just found out that J.S. Bach is too!

Why didn't someone TELL me????


25 Nov 03 - 11:31 PM (#1061048)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

We didn't think you needed to know, man. Death is need-to-know these days...


26 Nov 03 - 08:01 PM (#1061683)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I'm...I'm...just devastated. I suppose in a while, four or five years, I'll be okay. But right now...I...I'll be alright. It's just the shock.


26 Nov 03 - 10:50 PM (#1061760)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

Khandu- I already had my candidate for man of the year but I can be swayed (or payed off). I was also considering this man, but I want to remain a part of your kingdomness, so I think that would not be a choice.


26 Nov 03 - 11:43 PM (#1061777)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

RR, neither of these people proclaimed you as the Royal POB & PL!!

But I did!!!!!!!!!

Kk


27 Nov 03 - 02:01 AM (#1061807)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: fiercefiddler

wow...


27 Nov 03 - 02:26 AM (#1061815)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Well, 290! Your first post to the MOAB (and only your 13th post to the Mudcat) and all you have to say is "Wow..."? Not even "Wow!!!", but "Wow..." as if you're not really sure you mean it.

If I were a Mudcat newbie I'd say, "Wow!!! You guys are awesome! You're all geniuses! This thread is a work of art! It may be the central document for a new religion! Have you considered submitting it to Shambhala Press for publication?"

"I really liked the Martian Invasion part best of all. And that Bubba Bubba was a real hottie before she turned into a stinking toadstool. Whatever happened to Sheeney Knause?"


27 Nov 03 - 11:21 AM (#1062034)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Sheeney Knause stays in constant contact with Penelope Rutledge, whom I believe to be Tweed in cog nito.

BTW, where is cog nito?

And may I, khandu, King of all Mississippi, welcome the loquacious 290 to MOAB, the land of Great Minds!!

Kk


27 Nov 03 - 11:55 AM (#1062045)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Shakespeare, Moliere and Bach are dead and I'm pretty tired myself and all you can say is "wow..."????


30 Nov 03 - 08:40 PM (#1063395)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

A recent issue of "Conundrum" magazine contained an article that I found quite interesting, which I believe is apropos for inclusion in MOAB.

Here is an excerpt from the article:

Ship Island, a few miles off the Mississippi Gulf Coast, has recently proven itself to be an archaeologist's dream.
   Kevin Whitehead and his partner, Bea Dubrielle, who have been doing freelance archaeological digs on the island, discovered a heavily constructed wooden box that contained a parchment scroll.
   Tests have shown the scroll to be from the late 1500s.
   The scroll contains a message written in an "Old English dialect" which speaks of a "land of Moab" and its inhabitants.
   Professor Jess P Amos of the Shay-Patterson Institute in Jackson Mississippi commented on the message:
   "It appears that this is a cryptic tale of the creation of a tribe of Moabites, which I believe is not the 'Biblical' Moabites. "
   Conundrum has been granted exclusive rights to print the entire text of the message, which appears below. . . .


It came to pass in the fifty-second winter, the king didst arise from the midst of Atalla in the deep. And the king didst look upon the void, and he didst behold the multitude; the rovers and their ilk, the ramblers and their ilk, the misbegotten and their ilk, also the bewildered and their ilk.

The king was moved with compassion upon them because they were without a land for themselves. He spake unto himself, "These art the outcasts. They hath no land for   themselves. Let there be a place fitting for these strange sort."

Three times he spake these words then he falleth silent for a half century.

In the second year of the new day, the king didst stir and he spake unto himself, "I will make unto these a land of fertile soil, a vast land that floweth with wonder and mirth; and they shalt come from all the earth to dwell in their land."

And the king didst mull and ponder for a short while.

In the fifth month of the third year of the new day, the king spake unto the multitude, "Let there be a land in which to dwell the rovers, the ramblers, the
Misbegotten and the bewildered, and all their ilk, and let them frolic and let them romp securely in the land in which they dwelleth."

And the king didst create the land and he calleth it the land of MOAB, and the inhabitants calleth he them Moabites. And he saw that it was good.

And the land did flourish and become great...yea, even greater than the king.

And the king rejoiced greatly and he didst calleth himself a Moabite.

And the king giveth stern warning, "Troubleth not the Moabites, lest I smite thee with a plague of slimy worms that shalt invade thine gonads till thine eyes buggeth out"


30 Nov 03 - 09:16 PM (#1063403)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Now look here, Thespian -- I do not believe any magazine in its right mind published that, for very simple reason -- the writing is awful!!   It seeks to be biblical and in so doing fails miserably. It tries to use Elizabethan English constructions much as the King James translation does, but manifests unforgivable ignorance about persons and tenses of verbs, the proper use of pronouns and other basic rules of the trade. Confess, here, for the sake of your soul!! You have been counterfeiting, now, haven't you?

A


30 Nov 03 - 09:37 PM (#1063407)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Thespian

Look at the December 2003 issue of "Conundrum", page 69-71!


01 Dec 03 - 08:47 AM (#1063622)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

I've been to Ship Island and I have the cap to prove it. It says "Ship Island" just as big as allgitout on the front. I didn't see any scrolls or tablets or even books there. Just a bunch of people on the beach and old Ft. Mass.

I've also be up Ship Creek, and I didn't have a paddle either.


01 Dec 03 - 10:04 AM (#1063669)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Sorry -- it won't fly!

A


01 Dec 03 - 10:22 AM (#1063684)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,MMario

it is well established that both the misbegotten ilk and the bewildered ilk were only discovered in the late 1600's - (in fact it is believed that the bewildered ilk is really only a local offshoot of the English "not a clue" ilk and didn't appear until approximately 1690) therefore the manuscript must indeed be a fake!


01 Dec 03 - 03:07 PM (#1063864)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,CarolC at the Chattahoochee Valley Reg. Lawb

We're back!!!

We're back in the Warm Sunny South just in time to miss a big snow and ice storm in Michigan. We still don't have internet access at home, but hopefully we will soon.

I don't have time right now to read the parts of this thread that I've missed. I'm actually still tryting to decide if I'm going to brave those   
murky waters. All input and advice would be appreciated.

Hey Khandu! I see your name up there. Did you get the PM I sent you back in September or some time thereabouts?


01 Dec 03 - 03:09 PM (#1063866)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,CarolC again

...that would be the Chattahoochee Regional Lawberry in my subject line there


01 Dec 03 - 06:39 PM (#1064021)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Pardon me, Carol C
Is that the Chatanooga Lye-bare-eeee?
Where Chatanooga goes to read,
On Saturday night?

Pardon me Carol C,
Is that the Chatanooga Lye-bare-eee?
Where Chatanooga Societee
Gathers seekin' the light?

You can check out any novel after quarter to five
The doors will open wide, and you'll be glad your alive!
Finest in the nation!
What an inspiration!
Sitting in the readin' room Gettyin' ed-yoo-cashun!

Oh, pardon me Carol C
Is that the Chatanooga Li-bare-ee?
Yes it's really pretty plain to see,
You're in that Chatanooga,
Wooga-wooga-wooga!
Chatanooga li-braire-eeeeeeee!!


02 Dec 03 - 07:10 PM (#1064758)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

That would be Chattahoochee as in the Chattahoochee River, which forms much of the border between Georgia and Alabama.

Historico-geographical oddity: The town which is home to Florida's oldest and largest state-supported mental hospital is also called Chattahoochee. Oddly enough, the Chattahoochee River does not flow through or by it. Why? Because Florida, calls the same body of water the Apalachicola River, not the Chattahoochee. The dual naming goes back to colonial times, when Spanish Florida and English Georgia wouldn't agree upon a single name for the river. In the same spirit of non-cooperation, one of the large "lakes" caused by damming the Chattahoochee is called Lake Walter F. George by Georgians and Lake Eufaula by Alabamians.

More than you ever wanted to know, but somebody's gotta keep the thread refreshed.


02 Dec 03 - 07:20 PM (#1064761)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

OK, ok, I stand corrected. Please replace Chattanooga wherever it appears with Chattahootchie. Please replace "Wooga-wooga-wooga!" with "Ootchie-ootchie-cootchie!". That should greatly improve matters and clear up any confusion.

A


02 Dec 03 - 10:35 PM (#1064875)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Pardom my poi, is that the Honolulu choo-choo?


03 Dec 03 - 06:37 PM (#1065100)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Dammit! If you keep going this direction the thread will become a music thread. Stay on topic if you please!

Yerz,
Tweed
K.O.T.R.O.T.~Pedant de BS


03 Dec 03 - 07:02 PM (#1065115)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

There's a rumour going around that you are Penelope Rutledge, Tweed! If so, it must be the most extreme case of self-hatred or split personality in history...as shocking as if it turned out that I was Clinton Hammond! Can you shed any light on this perplexing matter?

- LH


03 Dec 03 - 07:31 PM (#1065132)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Penelope Rutledge iz a harpy of the lowest order, Liddle Hargue, and my mos' saje device to you iz stay clear of her. Her tongue is lined wif straight razors and she swills raw Sterno straight from the can. Thar iz no depth obv depravity thet this woman will sink to in order to cut the balls off ob a man, or beast, fish or fowl.

I hab suffered horrible from her scabrous attacks in the passed an' am only now recouped inough to eben respond in a sesnble manner to yore query.

I ain't sure what or who "She" iz but I would not trust her wif my goat nor sleep next to her fer enny lenthg ob time!

Yerz,
Tweed


03 Dec 03 - 08:54 PM (#1065186)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

MIght as well imagine that Superman was a mild mannered reporter!! Little Hawk a double for the rough-edged gem, Clinton Hammond?? Nay, so not!! For surely, if it were, then all the world is but a cloud of bad humor, and nothing shall hold firm!!


A


03 Dec 03 - 10:18 PM (#1065209)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Amos, have you ever seen ClintonHammond and Little Hawk together? I thought not.

Nor have you ever seen Tweed and Penelope Rutledge together at the same time.

For that matter, you've never seen me and you together.

Ergo,

ClintonHammond is LH's secret identity.

Tweed and PR are one and the same.

I, however, am not you. That would be fallacious reasoning, and I can prove my statement beyond any doubt whatsoever.


03 Dec 03 - 10:29 PM (#1065215)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,Harry Lee Wigley

Thespian, the discovery on Ship Island is not the first time this writing has come to light; In 1842, a stone tablet was discovered in Bloomer, Arkansas which contained the same message. It is now on display in the Bloomer Museum & Quick Lube.

The discovery caused quite a stir. A church was eventually formed called the Bloomer Stone of Moab Gospel Congregation. The members considered themselves the "Chosen" and all others were the "Philistine dogs". They also believed in chastity and purity to the point of having no sexual relations at all.

Needless to mention, they died off.

They are still discussed in Bloomer, often referred to as the "Moabites and their ilk".


03 Dec 03 - 10:38 PM (#1065220)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

Hello again!

Since it is a season when you celebrate, we thought that we'd take ourselves to a tavern. And behold! we found one here!

By the way, if you see Lucy, our Labrador Retriever, please let us know. We'll need her to retrieve Labrador very shortly.


04 Dec 03 - 12:32 AM (#1065244)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Har! Nice to see you back, Freds.


04 Dec 03 - 09:30 AM (#1065448)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,freds

We do not know if any of you live in Labrador, but if you do please note that it is beginning to drift. This is not part of the "Continental Drift" on tectonic plates, but rather due to the fact that the connection between the surface and the subsurface rocks has been severed, mostly likely by mischevious kobolds as a prank. We expect the drift to occur with the next few weeks.

Except for some danger to shipping (and the captains should really be able to see Labrador drifting towards them long before it becomes a danger), there should be no problems. Unless, of course, it is suddenly broken loose by a storm, heavy traffic, a breeze, heavy sneezing, or too many people flushing at the same time. In this situation we cannot predict with any accuracy the speed or direction of Labrador. Our best guesses are that it will collide, violently, with one or more of these: Iceland, Nunavit, Ireland, the Shetlands, the Orkneys, Massa..Masach..Cape Cod, or Florida; there are outside chances for collisions with British Columbia, Paraguay, and Aduk.

So, if you happen to see Lucy, we'd appreciate knowing where she's gotten to. She a black Labrador Retriever, and large, very, very large. And she likes to be scratched right behind her ears.

Thank you for your assistance.


07 Dec 03 - 10:22 AM (#1067218)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Many people aren't aware of that MOAB has spawned two actual places! The is Moab, Utah, where they have chamber music concerts during the summer in canyons, mountain unicycling, and other such nonsense. And there is some area along the Red Sea, where there are ruins such as that of Wadi Punon.

Mother Rules!


07 Dec 03 - 10:36 AM (#1067222)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

"M" is for his Majesty the Khandu

"O" is for the Other fools who gather

"T" is for the Times they post here madly

"H" is for the Hellish way they blather

"E" is for the End which never cometh

"R" is for the Rule of Mother's Law

PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER!!! THEY SPELL MOABS!!!

The only thread more well-endowed than Spaw.

- LH


07 Dec 03 - 11:14 AM (#1067246)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

LH. . . I am (sniff) moved to tears by your profound, yet sensitive poetry. Truly, you do your fellow Moabites great honor! Such originality!!

Rapaire, I am presently afoot in establishing a Moab, MS. All the streets shall be named after my fellow Mudcat Moabites. Rapaire Road shall run parallel with Little Hawkway. P. Rutledge Avenue shall turn into Tweed Alley, since they are one and the same!

The Joe Offer Convention Center will be used exclusively for birthday parties!

Others are in the planning but I have not yet determined them.

Kk


07 Dec 03 - 12:53 PM (#1067295)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Yes, even the U.S. gubbament has got into the act. CLICK HERE.

Stealing the name for a WMD from this, the holiest of all Mudcat threads! The bastards oughta be ashamed of themselves. We should sue.


07 Dec 03 - 01:05 PM (#1067303)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Let them be, BW.

With something as wonderful as MOAB, emulation is inevitable.
I would not be surprised at MOAB board games, candy bars, sledge hammers, dog bisquits or anything else.

In fact, it has been rumored that Tom Jones is recording a folk song called "I wish I was a Moabite", penned by Shatner!

Kk


07 Dec 03 - 05:34 PM (#1067430)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Better that Shatner should record it himself for full effect. They may throw their underwear at Tom Jones, but they throw themselves at Big Bill!

I am trying to picture the intersection of Penelope Rutledge Avenue and Tweed Alley... LOL!

- LH


07 Dec 03 - 06:05 PM (#1067442)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Tweed

Yes, yes,...make light of it...Tweed Alley indeed....Mz.Rotlegge is not Tweed, az I am Tweed and thar ain't no more obv me.


07 Dec 03 - 06:13 PM (#1067445)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

I am basking in the thought of that glorious stretch of 4-lane blacktop known as "Little Hawkway", snaking its way through the MOAB Metropolis. Off to the right, we see the quaint neighborhoods lining Bee-Dubya-Ell Boulevard, and here comes the exit to Amos Avenue, a street renowned for its cultural centers and towering skyscrapers...far from the noisome haunts of the notorious Tweed Alley, hangout of drunks and panhandlers...

- LH


07 Dec 03 - 07:02 PM (#1067489)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Well, while I am honored to be included in your mental map, allow me to offer the caveat that identifying oneself with spaces can lead to great complication! :>)

A


07 Dec 03 - 07:41 PM (#1067518)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

The MOAB Mississippi Blues

I'm goin' to MOAB Mississippi
Way down in the delta land
I'm goin' to MOAB Mississippi
Way down in the delta land
If you ever been to MOAB
I know that you will understand

They got turnip greens an' collards
Cornbread an' biscuits by the yard
They got turnip greens an' collards
Cornbread an' biscuits by the yard
You know I head on down to MOAB
Any time that life gets hard

Now the people down in MOAB
They don't ever treat you mean
Now the people down in MOAB
They don't ever treat you mean
All the women there are pretty
An' khandu he is the king

If you ever go to MOAB
Be sure to wear your dancin' shoes
If you ever go to MOAB
Be sure to wear your dancin' shoes
'Cause when you're down in MOAB
There ain't no need to sing the blues


07 Dec 03 - 07:47 PM (#1067525)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Hey guys! I need your lyrical skills for a "To All The Girls I've Loved Before" parody...check out the music threads now!

- LH


07 Dec 03 - 09:55 PM (#1067590)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

BWL has once again excelled and risen to the office of K.O.T.!!!

Kk


07 Dec 03 - 10:16 PM (#1067598)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

HAW!!!! There is much celebrating in MOAB City tonight!! Some wonderful soul just Fed-Exed me my Royal Headdress which has been missing since my forced stay at the NYCFTTS!!!!!

Bless you, whoever you are!

Kk


07 Dec 03 - 10:41 PM (#1067617)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Wow! To get your Royal Headdress on Sunday must have cost 'em a fortune! Of course, I'm certain that it was worth every single penny.

(Did you note that this is getting close to fifteen hundred posts? One thousand, five hundred times words of wisdom will have been added. A veritable fount of all knowledge, indeed!)


07 Dec 03 - 10:49 PM (#1067620)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

Anyone know the record on # of posts to a thread? If so, which thread?

Oh, Rapaire, every day is Sunday in MOAB City!

Kk


07 Dec 03 - 10:56 PM (#1067627)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

HAW!!!
Look at the third post to MOAB!:

Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Allan C. - PM
Date: 05 May 03 - 08:41 PM

Not to burst your bubble, Khandu, but this has been tried before with such things as birthdays, welcome-to-new-members, remarks from trolls, and a few others - always with rapidly diminishing results.

Just how big was that bubble anyway?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"always with rapidly diminishing results", hahahahah!!!

Kk


07 Dec 03 - 11:01 PM (#1067631)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

You mean I gotta go go church and can't buy beer?


08 Dec 03 - 12:02 AM (#1067640)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

I once met a woman from Moab, Utah. She was a fellow artist in a show in which my wife was showing and selling her quilts. She special-ordered a quilt from my wife and we were going to drive to Moab and deliver it when it was ready. Why were we going to drive from Florida to Utah to deliver the thing when UPS could do it for ten bucks? Because the woman was a friend of Edward Abbey and she told me that if we came out to Moab she would introduce us. I was stoked. Ed Abbey - eco-radical - author of Desert Solitaire and The Monkeywrench Gang - a man who hated what they were doing to his beloved desert as much as I hated what they were doing to my beloved beaches. I was gonna go to Moab, Utah and drink beer with Ed Abbey!

And then the fucker went and died before I could get out there. And his friends stole his body from the funeral home and took it out into the desert that he loved so much and buried it and nobody knows where it is. And we never got to drink that beer.


08 Dec 03 - 12:03 AM (#1067641)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

In Blind River that would be worse than a sentence of death!

- LH


08 Dec 03 - 09:34 AM (#1067766)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

What? No one here all night? Shameful! We are nearing 1500 glorious posts.

- LH


08 Dec 03 - 11:18 AM (#1067811)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Little Hawk (et Lafayette!)! Je suis retournee!

Now let's go whup Kaiser Bill!

Over there, over there
It's a long way to tip a raree
Fairwell Herald Square
The Yanks are comin' born on the Fourth of July.


08 Dec 03 - 11:52 AM (#1067833)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

OH! Oh! Oh! The suspense! Post 1500 could be only seconds away! Who will initiate the moment of truth?

- LH


08 Dec 03 - 11:56 AM (#1067835)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: GUEST,William Shatner

Well, hi there, mudcatlings. Got a life yet? Things are going very well indeed, and I am just as pleased as punch. If you need any tips on becoming a legend in your own time, just give me a call...

- William Shatner


08 Dec 03 - 01:23 PM (#1067886)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Well, LH, you had to ask....


08 Dec 03 - 03:51 PM (#1067968)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Oh...I am so overwhelmed! If I was a smoker, I would need a cigarette right now. Anybody got tissues?

- LH


08 Dec 03 - 05:16 PM (#1068012)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Yeah, LH. Here ya go. They've only been used once before, too.


08 Dec 03 - 06:59 PM (#1068063)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Sometime back it was determined that both Bill Shatner and Barbara Streisand are worthy of the title of

*** HOLY BS ***


Now, it is traditional to have holy things occur in threes. To have absolute, total, unquestioned legitimacy, the

*** HOLY BS ***


should exist as a trinity. After all, three is a magic number. I know that 'cause they told me so on "Schoolhouse Rock".

Therefore, we MOABites must embark upon yet another quest!

Oh boy! We really, really, really like quests! Yippee!!!!

The search for the third member of the

*** HOLY TRINITY OF BS ***


must begin immediately! The requirements are 1) he or she must have the initials "BS" (though either initial may stand for a given name, nickname, or stage name), and 2) he or she must in some way embody the spirit of BS. In other words, he or she must be full of shit. He or she may be a live person, a dead person, a fictitious person or even a cartoon (though anyone who mentions Bart Simpson may be itchin' for a fight).

Please submit your nominations to this thread at your earliest convenience.

(It is unfortunate that the governor of California is named "Arnold" instead of "Bertold" or there would be no need for this quest.)


08 Dec 03 - 07:04 PM (#1068069)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

george BuSh?


08 Dec 03 - 08:00 PM (#1068097)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Bobby Shafto, who has gone to sea, with silver buckles on his knee.

A


08 Dec 03 - 09:47 PM (#1068145)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

bill sables?
Brent Spiner?
Brett Sommers?
Barry Sullivan?
Bick Shay? (Tweed)
Bamos Sessup?
Bittle Sawk?
Bats Spaw49?

Kk


08 Dec 03 - 09:49 PM (#1068148)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

Brittany Spears?


08 Dec 03 - 11:08 PM (#1068186)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

The search is over! It is definitely Britney Spears who is the 3rd member of the Holy Trinity of BS!!!

Shatner is the Holy Father, Streisand is the Holy Mother, Britney is the Holy Child.

This is so utterly cosmic that I am nearly at a loss for words.

(If I were though, I would not have posted the above...which is why I said "nearly".)

Our Bill who art in Hollywood
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done
Even in places like Schenectady
Give us this day more dramatic pauses
And cease not thy recording of unmatchable songs
Regardless of what the Philistines may say
And deliver us from Rap
For thine is the Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory
And thy horses are really neat too

I leave it to the other members of the New Religion to compose appropriate verses of worship for Streisand and Spears...

- LH


08 Dec 03 - 11:26 PM (#1068199)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

"And deliver us from Rap"

Don't drag me into it!!!


08 Dec 03 - 11:27 PM (#1068200)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Ms Spears is a possibility there, Rapaire. There is definitely a heap of BS around the girl. Unfortunately most of it is not of her own making. It's mostly the product of the music industry publicity machine. Britney has been made into something way beyond her own control by people who've seen an opportunity to make money off of her. Given her own resources she'd probably be making a decent living as a topless dancer. She is not personally responsible for the BS around her. Shatner and Streisand, on the other hand, are 100% responsible for their own BS.

Let's call Britney a maybe. If nobody better comes along, she just might have to do.


08 Dec 03 - 11:32 PM (#1068203)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Ach! Little Hawk's post wasn't yet up when I started composing mine. His logic is impeccable. The Father, Mother, Child thing is the capper. Britney it is.


08 Dec 03 - 11:52 PM (#1068213)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Well as long as it is clearly understood we are talking about bullshit, here....And as for this Holy Triumvirate, what the hell d'you need that for? I allus thought it was a device for the purposes of spirichool obfuscatoration, I did....


A


09 Dec 03 - 12:03 AM (#1068217)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: khandu

And Brittany is from Mississippi!!!! Home of MOAB!!!

Kk


09 Dec 03 - 12:13 AM (#1068220)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

The Holy Triumvirate... a device for the purposes of spirichool obfuscatoration? Perhaps the one them Catholics been spoutin' about fer hunnerts of years, but not

The Holy Trinity of BS!

As long as there is BS in the Universe, some BS will be BSier than other BS. The Holy Trinity of BS merely brings together three human individuals whose personal BS is of exceedingly fine quality. Why a Trinity? Because it has long been known that three is a special number. How many sides to a triangle? Three. How many legs on a milking stool? Three. How many tits on a boar hog? Lots more than three! Why? Because they're useless. If they served any function there'd only be three of 'em.


09 Dec 03 - 12:19 AM (#1068222)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

No, Amos, a Trinity is essential as the lynchpin to this whole reality, because we LIVE in a 3-dimensional existence! Therefore, a tripartite deity is necessary to stand behind this reality, even including BS.

If we lived in a 2 dimensional World, we'd all be flat, and that would cause the complete collapse of several important industries, such as Wonderbra, for example.

If we lived in a 1 dimensional World, everything would be compressed into a tiny singularity, and we would have no concept of individual identities whatsoever.

Therefore, the Trinity is a very essential aspect of divinity in our cosmos. You don't have to be Catholic or even Christian to understand that.

Could Britney be...the Messiah of BS??? The Promised One???

- LH


09 Dec 03 - 03:52 AM (#1068275)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

I can't even read this bullshit entirly. All I read is you all are making Brittany Spears somekind of 'figure'into this wonderfully enlightening thread for humankind, and it makes me want to go out to my favorite puking tree and puke.
I thought we had more class than that, but in the past I have been known to be corrected, and in the future I am sure someone will try to fuck with my way of thinking and try to correct me again.
All I am saying... is you can put class into a spear, but you can't take the spear out of the...
No I'm not saying that, that was another self, unfamiliar to me,
You can take the spear out of the jar, and then you can eat it with a self indulgent fear that it was too young to have even opened the jar,
no.... I think I was once again invaded by a spirit I am not familiar with,
What I really want to say is, you boys ought to get yourselves a hobby.


09 Dec 03 - 04:17 AM (#1068279)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rustic Rebel

P.S.- I'm inclined to think I should also have a gravel road named after myself. I bow to the merciful road namer and would like to submit- Rustic Rebel rambling, refreshing,reflecting, relieving,,rendezvousing,repairing,responding, resounding,resting, resurrecting, reassuring,retroflexing,runtricate road.
Thank-you for consideration and I will be in your unmost debt, if you take me seriously.


09 Dec 03 - 08:50 AM (#1068381)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Amos

Awwww RR, you do say the sweetest unintelligible things!

I just hope you took some aspirin last night and got plenty of sleep!!


A


09 Dec 03 - 09:11 AM (#1068390)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

No, LH, WE live in a four-dimensional universe, the fourth being Time. Being Eternal, any Trinity must perforce exist in a Universe where Time doesn't exist. There would be the three dimensions we are so familiar with, but not Time. Instead there would be another dimension (or perhaps more), call it Timelessness. Since your Holy Trinity of Billy, Barby, and Britty would exist in this Other Dimensionality, both they are their music would be Timeless, Eternal.

Perhaps, when you achieve Nirvana or Valhalla or Heaven or whatever you will find yourself surrounded by their Songs and enfolded into Their cosmic Group.





















"Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company," as Mark Twain said.


09 Dec 03 - 11:17 AM (#1068456)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Little Hawk

Exactly. Time doesn't exist for the Divine, except as a device by which to measure change in an illusory world which equates to a sort of ongoing stage play. We are in that play, where illusion is the order of the day, and the boundaries are secured by Trinity. (up, down, and sideways)

Now if 4 dimensions turns your crank, then work with the Native American traditions or the old Earth religions (fire, water, air, and earth) or a number of others. It's a perfectly valid approach also. You can also work with divisions of 5, 6, or 7 or more. They ALL work. 7 is particularly interesting, and is found in the Native American traditions as well as 4. According to Native tradition, there are 7 directions: up, down, left, right, in front, behind, and within! (the last is the most mysterious of all, and it is in mastering the last that one finds Truth or enlightenment, timelessness, and Eternity).

- LH


09 Dec 03 - 11:27 AM (#1068459)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Rapparee

So, then, (and I'm trying to understand, being but a wanderer on this plane of existence myself) the Trinity has Gone Beyond the dimensionality in which we exist and has found their own Way And Place, somewhere Outside? And that They appear to us as They do because we can perceive only small fraction of Themselves? Could They be looking inwardly so much that They endanger themselves into becoming Philosophical and Theological Black Holes? And if so, do They shine all the brighter from Their other ends?


09 Dec 03 - 11:30 AM (#1068460)
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
From: Bee-dubya-ell

Well, as reflected in my post of 08 Dec 03 - 11:27 PM, I also have some reservations about including Ms Spears in the Holy Trinity. As I pointed out, she is not entirely personally responsible for the BS that surrounds her. It is the product of a huge massive BS producing machine and she is just the pustule at the center. Furthermore, she is so young that it is conceivable that she may yet realize the error of her ways and become something of far more use to society than the caricature of a musical performer that is her current persona. It's not too late for her to embark on a worthwhile career as a lap dancer, but she better get a move on before t