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24 Sep 03 - 08:31 AM (#1024270) Subject: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: InOBU Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'Well Rick (Fielding)....: If humor helps to build you up and stomp on tumors... here is one, and fellow catters, lets try and send Rick your favorite jokes here to see if humor helps... A duck walks into a chemist shop and says... "Got any Duck food?" "Why no," the drugest says, "this is a chemists..." The duck touches a wing to his forehead and walks out. The next day he ducks into the same shop... "Got any duck food?" "No, you may recall, as I said yesterday, this is a chemist." The next day, the duck is back, "Eh..hem... have you any Duck food?" Now with raising anger... "Look, I told you NO DUCK FOOD!" The next day the duck is back, asks the same quesiton. The drugest shouts, "Look YOU! I said NO DUCK FOOD! If you ask me again I am going to nail your big flat feet to this counter!" The next day, the door opens, and the duck slips in... "Ah... yes, emmmm... Good day, my good man... ah... yes, emmm, ah,,, have any ... nails?" The drugest grits his teath... "No. no nails..." The duck smiles... "Got any Duck food?" Get well soon! Larry |
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24 Sep 03 - 08:38 AM (#1024278) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Sandra in Sydney Care of Icons Most contemporary icons are produced with great care and attention to detail. However, being subjected to repeated clicking and constant bombardment by cathode rays, they tend to deteriorate over time. In order to maintain their graphic integrity, it is recommended that the following procedure be followed at least once every six months: 1. Remove the icon from the monitor, being careful to handle it only by the edges to avoid pixel damage. 2. Soak in a lukewarm, soapy solution for 5 to 10 minutes. Do not rub or scrub, or pixels may be shifted, resulting in serious disintegration of the image. 3. Remove from bath and stand on edge to dry. Under no circumstance attempt to dry with a rag or lens tissue, and never subject to blow-drying, or permanent damage may result. If more than 5% of the pixels have been lost, replace icon with a new one. 4. Carefully replace cleaned icon in monitor, taking special care not to touch the surface. Allow to set one hour before using. If icons need to be exchanged from one computer to another, they should be transported only in specially prepared icon cases available at any computer or electronic supply store. Remember, icons are the heart and soul of the Windows environment, and should be treated accordingly. |
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24 Sep 03 - 08:41 AM (#1024281) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Amos Ducks smile??? Wow -- learn something every day! A |
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24 Sep 03 - 08:46 AM (#1024285) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Geoff the Duck We smile a lot ;@) Quack! Geoff the Duck! |
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24 Sep 03 - 08:56 AM (#1024290) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Midchuck This guy is in a bar tossing down beers. He was just in Court for his divorce and got taken to the cleaners, and he's pissed (in the US sense, but rapidly getting pissed in the British sense as well). At one point he gets so upset that he throws back his head and yells, at no one in particular, "LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!" A guy a couple of stools down says, "Sir, I fear I must take the gravest possible offense as such a categorical characterization!" The yeller says, "Whashahmatta? You a goddam lawyer?" Second guy says, "Why, no. I'm an asshole." Peter (a lawyer). |
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24 Sep 03 - 09:03 AM (#1024292) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: dwditty I have told this one here before, but what the hell. Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. One pulls up short, and patting himself says, "Oh no, I think I dropped an electron!" His friend replies, "Are you sure?" The first one answers, "Yeah, I'm positive." dw (listening for the groans) |
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24 Sep 03 - 09:55 AM (#1024317) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Sandra in Sydney if it's groan time - What sits on the bottom of the ocean & shakes? A nervous wreck!! found on the Children's page of the paper years ago & carefully memorised |
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24 Sep 03 - 12:48 PM (#1024366) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: harpgirl My mother told me this one! Mrs. Earbore has her dear departed husband's ashes in an urn on the coffee table. She gently pours some out onto the table. She gives them a loving pat and says, "Charlie, you know that Kittinger dining room table you would never get me when you were alive? It's now in the dining room!" She pats his ashes again and says, "Charlie, you know that lovely Lincoln Navigator you would never get me while you were alive? It's in the garage!" She pats his ashes again and says, "Charlie, you know that skybox at the Redwing stadium you would never get for us? I'm going there tonight!? She says, "Charlie, you know that blow-job I would never give you?" Then she inhales mightily and blows the ashes off the coffee table!!!!(jokster must demonstrate the blow-job with loud noise accompanying) |
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24 Sep 03 - 01:54 PM (#1024407) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Mark Clark Actually, Rick is on record as appreciating the good wishes but hopes we'll can it with the jokes. Those who are closer to him may be able to intrepret his response better than I. - Mark |
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24 Sep 03 - 01:57 PM (#1024408) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Mr Red Patient to Nurse - "If you don't make this bed properly, you and I are going to fall out" |
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25 Sep 03 - 08:17 PM (#1024869) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Amos Mark -- It looks like you tried to make a link to a PM, which won't fly. A |
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25 Sep 03 - 09:24 PM (#1024917) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Rustic Rebel Amos that was in the Rick's health update thread. Aug 27. So Rick, let's just hear it from you. Do you like the idea of this thread or would you prefer to pass on it? Jokeless until I hear from Rick-Rustic |
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26 Sep 03 - 12:13 AM (#1024969) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: LadyJean This just in from mys sister, A Presbyterian minister wanted to buy a dog, but, of course, it had to be a Presbyterian dog. After considerable searching, he found a breeder, who said he had a Presbyterian dog. The minister came to see the dog, and it looked like a good dog, but he had to be sure it was a Presbyterian. The trainer told the dog, "Fetch the Bible" The dog brought a Bible. "Find the 23rd Psalm," the trainer said. The dog did. It found a couple more appropriate verses, and the minister bought the dog. Several days later, he was showing his friends his Presbyterian dog. It demonstrated it's skills in locating verses. Then one of the friends asked, "Can it do regular dog tricks?" "Of course," said the minister, "Heel!" The dog put it's paw on the minister's forehead and started howling. "Good God!" The minister said, "He's Pentecostal!" What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? A rooster clucks defiance. (And a lawyer ----s the clients) |
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26 Sep 03 - 02:53 AM (#1025025) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: GUEST Fuck Rick! Let's tell the sonofabitch all the jokes we want because it makes US feel like we're doing something helpful. So Fielding, you bollocks, if you don't want the jokes, don't open the goddam thread. With love and affection, Your chum, Seamus Oh, yes. A joke... Why do dogs lick their willies? Because they can, I hear you all roar. No! Because they can't make a little fist! |
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26 Sep 03 - 03:17 AM (#1025029) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Liz the Squeak Or possibly for Rick's Relapse! Sorry I've not been around, been in hospital having a dangerous mole removed. That's the last time I shag one of THOSE little buggers! Blonde and a Brunette walking down the street behind a guy with terrible dandruff. Brunnete says: "Look at that, someone should give that guy 'Head and Shoulders'." Blonde looks aghast and says "how do you give someone shoulders?" And this is true. Looking through Bratlings' school song book, we noticed a disproportionate amount of hymns and religious songs. 'Is your teacher Christian?' we asked her. 'No,' replied Bratling, 'she's Australian'. LTS |
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26 Sep 03 - 02:15 PM (#1025222) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: JennyO What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A good start. (more groans....) |
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27 Sep 03 - 04:50 AM (#1025538) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Liz the Squeak If they can put one man on the moon, why can't they put all of them? I miss my ex, but my aim is improving. I want to take my husband out, know any hit men? LTS |
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28 Sep 03 - 06:37 AM (#1025741) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Chris Amos Did you hear bout the hyena that jumped into a pot of boiling water with some onions and made a laughing stock of himself. Chris |
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28 Sep 03 - 07:28 AM (#1025755) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Liz the Squeak Two cannibals eating a clown, one says 'does this taste funny?' Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says, 'can you smell something fishy?' LTS |
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28 Sep 03 - 03:37 PM (#1025897) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Little Robyn What do you get if you cross a tambourine with a submarine? The Salvation Navy! Do they have Sallies in your part of the world? |
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29 Sep 03 - 05:03 AM (#1026179) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: gnu Of course. They're everywhere. |
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29 Sep 03 - 10:27 AM (#1026331) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: SINSULL Hey Liz, I had a similar experience. Just after I adopted my son, he announced that he wanted to be a Boy Scout. There was an Episcopal Church that offered scouting to all boys regardless of faith. But, the leader, filling out the application, asked, "Your religion?" My son proudly declared "We're Irish!" The leader did not however see the humor in it. He was shocked that we were atheists. But that is another story. SINS |
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29 Sep 03 - 10:51 AM (#1026352) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Peter Woodruff A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says, "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw." I have more. Peter |
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04 Oct 03 - 07:43 AM (#1029491) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Helen Thanks, Peter W, but I think one is quite enough. ;-> ********* A man rang up a lawyers firm and said, "Is that Smith, Smith & Smith?" The receptionist said, "No, this is just Smith". "Oh," replies the man, "I'm sorry you've been trebled." ********* A blonde is sitting in the optometrist's examination chair. The optometrist says, "Have your eyes been checked before?" "No," she replies, "they have always been blue". ********* For Liz-t-S Two fish are in a tank and one says, "You man the guns and I'll drive". ********* A woodworm goes in to a pub and says, "Is the bartender here?". ********* But wait, there's more! [I refer to these as my "groan" jokes. Oh, all right, I'll give it a rest. Helen |
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04 Oct 03 - 09:42 AM (#1029527) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: wysiwyg So tell me, why DO witches not wear underwear? (scroll down) Because they can get a better grip on the broom. ~S~ |
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04 Oct 03 - 04:07 PM (#1029653) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Mrrzy So, these bees were having trouble finding any nectar, and one says to the other, Let's go over to that bar mitzvah, they have lots of flowers... I'm sure we'll find some nectar there. The other bee says OK, but if we're going to a bar mitzvah we'd better wear yarmulkes! Why, asks the first bee? Well, answers the other, you don't want anybody to think you're a WASP! |
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04 Oct 03 - 04:12 PM (#1029657) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Stephen L. Rich If a giant makes a mistake would it be fair to call it a "Fee, Fie, Faux Pas"? Stephen Lee |
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05 Oct 03 - 03:47 PM (#1030072) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: GUEST,pdc Oh well, if they can be bad jokes... A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?" |
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05 Oct 03 - 11:26 PM (#1030236) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: Mickey191 I told this here a couple of years ago--But I love it! I understand if one pharts alot, one's memory is affected. Ergo, half of you won't recall it. Tired old lady is walking home from her job in the garment center. She's bent over from 50 yrs. at the sewing machine. A man in a raincoat is approaching. As he gets near her he suddenly flings his coat open & flashes her. She looks, keeps walking, and says, "Lousy Lining." Buddy Hackett-Thanks |
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06 Oct 03 - 12:44 AM (#1030259) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: GUEST,Ed Who Hope you enjoy this one Subject: At the Ladies Bar A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is a blonde and a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." |
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06 Oct 03 - 08:02 AM (#1030403) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: The Fooles Troupe An Iraqi Knock! Knock! Joke Knock! Knock! Who's there? 82nd Airborne! 82nd - who? KABOOM! |
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06 Oct 03 - 08:27 PM (#1030920) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: GUEST,vl Heard on the radio the other day that Rush is actually Limbaugh's middle name...his first name is Whata. |
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07 Oct 03 - 09:17 AM (#1031192) Subject: RE: Jokes for Rick's Recovery... From: The Fooles Troupe Everybody in Australlia knows what rude word "Big dubbya" means... W*****! :-) Robin |