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25 Feb 97 - 01:08 PM (#2546) Subject: Bawdy Limericks From: Bert Hansell This is a branch from the 'Roll me over' thread. Bill mentioned 'Waltz me around again Willie' This is the version that I sing.... There was a young girl from Devizes Had tits of different sizes; one it was small and worth nothing at all; the other was big and won prizes Chorus That was a horrible song sing us another one just like the other one sing us another one too. There was a young fellow from kent whose prick was peculiarly bent to save himself trouble he shoved it in double instead of coming he went There was a young girl from Detroit who at screwing was very adroit she could squeeze her vagina to a pinpoint or finer or open it out like a quoit There was a young lady from Ealing Who had a peculiar feeling she lay on her back and opened her crack and pissed all over the ceiling. There was an old fellow from Cosham who took out his bollocks to wash 'em his wife said 'Oh Jack, if you don't put 'em back, I shall tread on your bollocks and squash 'em' There was a young lady from Exeter so pretty that men craned their necks at 'er and one went so far as to wave from his car The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er There was an old bishop of Rockingham Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham watching the stunts of the cunts in the punts and the tricks of the pricks who were Fucking 'em There once was a bishop of Birmingham who seduced yound girls while confirming 'em the dirty old bassok he lifted his cassock and stuck his episcopal worm in 'em There was a young fellow named Dave who found a dead whore in a cave he must hava had pluck to have a cold fuck but think of the money he'd save There was a young lady from Hitchin was scratching her cunt in the kitchen her mother said 'Rose it's the crabs I suppose' Rose said 'Bollocks! get on with your stitchin'' |
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30 Mar 08 - 12:56 PM (#2301165) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Reiscza Dahll There once was a man from calcutta, who liked to have sex with his mudda, when the baby came out, she said with a shout, "say hello to your son and your brudda!" |
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30 Mar 08 - 01:01 PM (#2301169) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bonnie Shaljean A young undergrad at St.John's Was caught trying to bugger the swans Said the loyal head porter Here, please, take my daughter The swans are reserved for the dons |
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30 Mar 08 - 02:51 PM (#2301258) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: kendall I know a lot of such things, but I have too much class to post them here. |
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30 Mar 08 - 04:29 PM (#2301367) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST 'I know a lot of such things, but I have too much class to post them here.' Alright here's a non-bawdy limerick for the 'classy' among us.. There once was a woman named Plunnery, Who was practiced in the art of gunnery, One day, unobservant, she blew up a servant, And had to retire to a nunnery. Charlotte (the view from Ma and Pa's piano stool) |
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30 Mar 08 - 05:00 PM (#2301402) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST Again, here's one I wrote a few months ago , for those who missed it; A young Belfast sailor named Sid, tried to bugger himself with a fid; He smeared it with lard, and sat down on it hard, but it split him in half ( so it did ). |
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30 Mar 08 - 05:03 PM (#2301407) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,The Mole Catcher's bawdy Apprentice Oh alright...... There was a young man at Trinity who stole his sister's virginity, He buggered his brother, had twins by his mother, And then then took a first in divinity Charlotte (you can blame my dad for that one) |
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30 Mar 08 - 06:53 PM (#2301508) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Steve Shaw From deep in the crypt of St Giles Came a scream that resounded for miles. Said the vicar "Good gracious! Did Brother Ignatius Forget that the Bishop has piles?" |
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30 Mar 08 - 06:56 PM (#2301512) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Steve Shaw There was a young lady called Dinah With a music box in her vagina. All the boys they had larks To the sweet sound of Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor. |
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30 Mar 08 - 07:11 PM (#2301526) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,G.I. Joe Oh for Gods Sake here are 2 books for you The Limerick edited by Bell Publishing Co. NY contains 1700 Limericks also The New Limerick published by Crown Published Publishing Co Contains 2750 Limericks on every bawdy thing you can think of plus a few more |
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30 Mar 08 - 08:56 PM (#2301612) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: kendall And I think Midchuck knows all of them. |
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30 Mar 08 - 09:37 PM (#2301640) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Midchuck The man whom UTAH PHILLIPS HIMSELF has called "The best singer of North American folk songs I know of" has recognized ME as the master of dirty limericks. That's probably the closest I'll come to fame and glory in this life. I can die happy. Peter A race that may someday contain us, Though at present, they choose to disdain us, Are the warriors, all gay, Just for planets away. Men of Earth! Look to... |
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30 Mar 08 - 11:40 PM (#2301735) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Gurney The was a young fiddler in Rio, was courting a maiden(?) named Cloe. As she took off her panties she said "No andantes. I want this allegro con brio!" |
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31 Mar 08 - 12:00 AM (#2301742) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: masato sakurai Matt McGinn inserted and sang limericks in his version of I Was Born 10,000 Years Ago (at YouTube). |
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31 Mar 08 - 06:02 AM (#2301838) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh There was a young fellow called Pugh (no relation |:-) ) Lived on underpants scrapings ansd spew. When he couldn't get that He'd eat what he shat - And very fine shit he shat, too. Our local cinematorium Is not just a visual sensorium But a highly effectual Heterosexual Mutual masturbatorium. |
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31 Mar 08 - 11:01 AM (#2302023) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: topical tom There was a young man from Madras Whose balls were made out of brass. With each step he took They clattered and shook And lightning shot out of his ass. |
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31 Mar 08 - 11:30 AM (#2302061) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego One good turn deserves another: The was a young miss from Madras, Who had a magnificent ass! T'wasn't round and pink, As you undoubtedly think, But was black, had long ears and ate grass! Of course, there's always: The was a young man from Boston, Who drove a little red Austin. There was room for his ass, And a gallon of gas, But his balls hung out, and he lost 'em. |
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31 Mar 08 - 04:57 PM (#2302492) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: scouse A real Gem.. There was a young lady from Ealing Declared, she had no sexual feeling. Till a young man named Boris Touched her Clitoris And she had to be scrapped off the ceilling!! As Aye, Phil. |
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31 Mar 08 - 05:30 PM (#2302513) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: frogprince A lonely gay lad from Kartoum took a lesbian up to his room; They argued all night, over who had the right To do what, and how, and to whom. |
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31 Mar 08 - 07:36 PM (#2302652) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,GrannyInWales Some of my favourites, called to mind immediately - There was a young man from Australia Who painted his arse like a dahlia Threepence a smell was all very well But sixpence a lick was a fahlia. There was a young lady from Crewe Who said, as the Bishop withdrew "I much prefer Vicar He's quicker and slicker And two inches longer than you" There once was a man called McCool Found a red ring round the end of his tool He went to the clinic His Doctor, a cynic Said, "That's only lipstick you fool" There was a young lady called Etta Who fancied herself in a sweater Three reasons she had, To keep warm was not bad But the other two reasons were better. There was a young lady from Guam Who observed, "The Pacific's so calm, I'll swim out for a lark", Then she met a large shark Let us now sing the 23rd Psalm. There was a young lady from Norway Who hung by her feet from the doorway She said to her young man "Get off the divan Cos I think that I've just found one more way". ...and there's more, later if required.... |
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01 Apr 08 - 06:00 AM (#2303044) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Whilst wandering once around Mousehole I found a brown paper parcel. In it was shit And on it was writ 'A present from my granddad's arsehole'. |
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01 Apr 08 - 07:49 AM (#2303086) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Still waiting for the full version of There was a young lady called Annie Who plaited the hairs on her fanny . . . |
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01 Apr 08 - 01:33 PM (#2303450) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Sgt. Major There was a young plumber, from Lea Who was plumbing a girl by the sea. Said the girl to the plumber, There's somebody coming! Said the plumber, still plumbing, It's ME! There was a young bloke from Adair, Who was boffing a girl on the stair. When the banister broke, He doubled his stroke, And polished her off in mid-air! There was a young lad from Deaver, Who had intercourse with a beaver. The result of this ---- Was a three legged duck, Two otter and a Laborador Retriever. |
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01 Apr 08 - 02:22 PM (#2303502) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Menno The Limerick packs laughs gastronimical Into space that is quite economical. But the good one's I've seen So seldom are clean and the clean ones so seldom are comical. |
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01 Apr 08 - 09:04 PM (#2304043) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,GrannyInWales Yesssssss! and quite right too! |
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04 Apr 08 - 04:46 PM (#2306720) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,The Grocer I humbly submit the following as being a better version of 'The Bishop of Birmingham' - The dirty old Bishop of Birmingham Used to bugger young boys whilst confirming 'em, As they knelt on their hassocks, He lifted their cassocks, And pumped his episcopal sperm in'em. |
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04 Apr 08 - 09:09 PM (#2307007) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: The Walrus There was a young man from Australia Who painted his arse like a dahlia The colour was fine Likewise the design But the aroma? Now THAT was a failure. |
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05 Apr 08 - 01:35 PM (#2307587) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: topical tom There once was a girl from Lahore Whose ass was all covered with sores. When she walked in the street the dogs lapped at the meat That hung in green gobs from her drawers. |
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05 Apr 08 - 07:43 PM (#2307888) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F There was a young belle of old Natchez, Whose panties were always in patches. When comment arose On the state of her clothes, She drawled, "Where Ah itches, Ah scratches". |
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06 Apr 08 - 03:40 AM (#2308045) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hanson The Limerick is furtive and mean, You must keep it in close quarantine, Or it sneaks to the slums, And promptly becomes, Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. |
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06 Apr 08 - 07:05 PM (#2308591) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Bobby Zelmet There was a young man from Kayunk Who fell asleep in his bunk He dreamt that Venus was pullin his penis And he floated away on the spunk. There was a young feller from Liger Who went to bed with a tiger The result of that f--k was a three-legged duck, two shrimps and a circumcised spider. |
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06 Apr 08 - 09:02 PM (#2308656) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Midchuck Composed today: Mr. Heston (whom no one called "Chuck") Went through life on a wave of good luck. Tho' the record discloses He was not really Moses, Nobody gave much of a .. Peter |
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07 Apr 08 - 12:08 AM (#2308751) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bert Naughty one Midchuck. By the way, where the hell did this thread disappear to for nine years? |
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07 Apr 08 - 12:50 AM (#2308765) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Seamus Kennedy A charming young vampire called Mabel Had menses remarkably stable; One night at full moon, She went down with a spoon, And drank herself under the table. Seamus |
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07 Apr 08 - 05:24 AM (#2308853) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane As can be seen above: The Limerick form is complex Its contents run chiefly to sex It burgeons with virgins and masculine urgins And swarms of erotic effex |
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07 Apr 08 - 05:52 AM (#2308867) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh There was a young man of Calcutta Who went for a look in the gutter - But all he could see Was his wife's belly And the arse of the bloke who was up 'er. There was a young man from the Cape Who was fucked by a bloody huge ape. He yelled 'Get out, you fool - You've got a square tool Which is knocking me hole out of shape !' |
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07 Apr 08 - 08:38 AM (#2308981) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,BobL There was a young maid from Dundee Who was had by an ape up a tree. The result was most horrid, All arse and no forehead, Three balls and a purple goatee |
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07 Apr 08 - 10:13 AM (#2309050) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh There was a young lady named Syd Who swore no man could give her a kid. But a brown-eyed Italian With balls like a stallion Could, and he would - and he did ! |
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07 Apr 08 - 10:19 AM (#2309058) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Sue Allan When Titian was painting rose madder His model sat up on a ladder Her position to Titian Suggested coition So he popped up the ladder and had her. |
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07 Apr 08 - 11:24 AM (#2309111) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bat Goddess There was a young fellow named Fred Had a tool with a corkscrew-shaped head. He found, having hunted, A girl corkscrew-cunted, But, alas, with a Fred-reversed thread. My "hardware" limerick. I used to clerk in a small town hardware store (circa 1978-9) where I'd wear my "hardware" T-shirt -- "Hard lay, soft lay, laid as you want it -- Rockport Rope and Twine Company". Linn |
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07 Apr 08 - 02:17 PM (#2309309) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Geoff Wallis There was a young lady called Jude Who appeared on the stage starkers nude. A man at the front Shouted out "cunt", Just like that, right out loud, bloody rude! |
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07 Apr 08 - 03:02 PM (#2309343) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Jonny Sunshine I haven't laughed so much in ages.. Anyway: There was a young curate of Salisbury Whose manners were halisbury-scalisbury, He went about Hampshire Without any pampshire Till his vicar compelled him to walisbury (for the benefit of readers outside the UK, Salisbury is commonly abbrievated to "Sarum", and Hampshire to "Hants") |
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07 Apr 08 - 03:05 PM (#2309347) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,The Mole Catcher's bawdy Apprentice There once was a lady named Cager, Who as the result of a wager, Consented to fart The entire oboe part Of Mozart's quartet in F-major. Charlotte (in the music room) |
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07 Apr 08 - 05:37 PM (#2309472) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego If you've followed the prodigal's way, And much to your father's dismay, Go forth with all speed, Oh, ye profligate seed, And sow your wild oats where ye may. A dying old lawyer's last act, Was behavior he could not redact. A child, from this coitus, In articulo mortis' Was his antepenultimate act! There was a young maid from Cape Cod, Who thought all babies came from God. But, it wasn't the Almighty, Who lifted her nightie, It was Roger the Lodger, by God! |
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07 Apr 08 - 05:39 PM (#2309475) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Rich There once was a man from Rangoon Who was born 9 months too soon He hadn't the luck to be born by a fuck He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon |
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07 Apr 08 - 08:26 PM (#2309649) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Geoff: Aliter: A lady lubricious and lewd Once stood in a queue in the nude, When a man down in front Hollered out "I smell ****" -- Just like that! Right out loud! Fucking rude! |
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08 Apr 08 - 11:04 AM (#2310093) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh A lady who lived at Throgmorton Had one long tit and one short 'un. As well as that She'd a big, hairy twat And could fart like a 500 Norton. (Norton - a British motor-cycle, 50s vintage.) |
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08 Apr 08 - 11:13 AM (#2310105) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Bert Hansell : aliter There was a young lady from Hitchin Scratching her crotch in the kitchen. Her mother said 'Rose You've the crabs, I suppose.' Rose said 'Yes, and the fuckers are itchin'!' |
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08 Apr 08 - 11:23 AM (#2310110) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: theleveller There was a young goucho called Bruno Who said, "There is one thing I do know: A woman is fine Small boys are divine But the llama is numero uno" |
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09 Apr 08 - 08:25 AM (#2310962) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh There once was a conjurer, Pauk Who performed his tricks in the hall. For his party trick He'd balance on his prick And then roll down the hall on one ball. |
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09 Apr 08 - 10:41 AM (#2311101) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh There was a young fellow named Dodd Who put his own mother in pod. He did it to spite her, the rotter, the blighter, The bugger, the arsehole, the sod. |
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09 Apr 08 - 11:08 AM (#2311119) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh Scraping the barrel ? There was a young fellow called Rex Who was utterly useless at sex. His girl-friend, agape Said'I can't call that rape - De minimis non curat lex !' |
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09 Apr 08 - 11:37 AM (#2311135) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Midchuck For those who have problems remembering lyrics: There was a young lady in Spain Who met with dishonor, again. And again, and again, And again, and again, And again, and again, and again. P. |
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09 Apr 08 - 05:24 PM (#2311461) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Bobby Zelmet Anyone ever come across this one? It's not very dirty or witty, but it's the very first limerick I heard when I was about 4 which is 56 years ago. The old lady next door told me it and she was from King's Lynn but living in Hull. There was a young lady from Spain She cocked her leg over a train, The train went fast And tickled her arse There was a young lady from Spain I seem to remember there were lots of children's limericks around then that repeated the first line at the end. |
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09 Apr 08 - 07:57 PM (#2311622) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Limericks that have the first & last line the same (or ending the same) are sometimes called "learicks", because Edward Lear favored that scheme: There was an Old Man of Whitehaven, Who danced a quadrille with a raven; But they said, "It's absurd To encourage this bird!" So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven. |
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10 Apr 08 - 05:36 PM (#2312417) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Rich OK someone had to put this one in. I was hoping it would be someone else. There once was a man from Nantucket his dick was so long he could suck it he said with a grin as he wiped off his chin if my ear were a cunt I would fuck it |
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10 Apr 08 - 06:19 PM (#2312463) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Old Grizzly There was an old man from Wales who lived on gangrenous snails when he could get none of these he lived on green cheeze that he picked off his dick with his nails yakki da |
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10 Apr 08 - 06:33 PM (#2312469) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Lighter Has anybody ever sung limericks with a chorus that refers to the city of Limerick? If so, what are the words and tune? |
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10 Apr 08 - 07:06 PM (#2312498) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: The Sandman a young cleric from Ballydehob. had a willie that reached to his gob. he revealed his intentions to young girls at confession. while he rode on his dickey,and sobbed |
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10 Apr 08 - 08:45 PM (#2312564) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F There was also a man from Nantucket Who went down to hell in a bucket. When asked to come out, He'd just sit there and shout "Up your arseholes, you buggers! and suck it!" I once saw a man on a bus with a T-shirt that said "*I* am the young man from Nantucket", but I missed the chance to ask him which he was. |
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02 Nov 08 - 07:37 AM (#2482342) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,benhayes, limerick - yes!!!!!!!!! a policeman's daughter from Louth longed for a cock hard and stout she tried masturbation to relieve her frustration but had worn all his batons out. |
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02 Nov 08 - 09:07 AM (#2482384) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Midchuck I once saw a man on a bus with a T-shirt that said "*I* am the young man from Nantucket", but I missed the chance to ask him which he was. I have one of those shirts. Found at a yard sale years ago. I save it for formal occasions. Peter |
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02 Nov 08 - 10:38 AM (#2482447) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bill D What one learns from the many, many limerick threads is that there are about 27 common, well-known bawdy limericks....and they get posted over & over & over...with small variations. wait...maybe there's 31... One other thing one learns, is that some folks don't care much about keeping the meter very precise. (oh...and the one back in April, about 'farting the oboe part', is a short variation of a LONG one called "The Farter from Sparta", which is one of the most erudite creations in the genré.)(It's in the database, but MUCH expanded from the original, and with a bit less care given to precise meter and classical references) |
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02 Nov 08 - 11:22 AM (#2482483) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,ben hayes, limerick city (the homeof..) there was a man from knocklong, who's prick was amazingly strong, as he hammered the bum of a girl who was dumb she suddenly burst into song! |
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02 Nov 08 - 11:27 AM (#2482487) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,ben hayes, limerick rake 3 There was a man from Hongkong who's prick was extremely long one blistering day as he stood in bombay he fucked a whore in Ceylon! |
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02 Nov 08 - 03:19 PM (#2482642) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Leadfingers Bil D - I CANT resist posting -: There was a young man from Japan Who'se Limericks never would scan# When they asked him why He made this reply I like to get as many words in the last line as ever I possibly can . |
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02 Nov 08 - 05:49 PM (#2482735) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: trevek A sex-starved girl named Jill Used a dynamite stick for a thrill Twas in North Carolina they found her vagina And bits of her tits in Brazil There once was a man from Nantucket Whose dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, If my ear was a c*nt I could f*ck it. |
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02 Nov 08 - 06:08 PM (#2482756) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Musket There was a young man of high station Found by a pious relation Making love in a ditch To I won't say a bitch But a woman of no reputation. I suppose where I come from, we would say she had a reputation rather than not having one? Tends to date the limerick somewhat... |
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02 Nov 08 - 08:35 PM (#2482879) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Aliter: An audacious young lady named Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina In North Carolina -- Her rectum, in Buckingham Palace. There once was a certain Dalmatian, A canine of high social station. He was found in a ditch With -- I won't say a bitch, But -- a person of no reputation. A dumb meter-reader named Peter Used a candle to read a gas meter. The predictable leak Blew him into next week, And, as you can tell if you know anything about scansion, it also ruined the meter. |
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02 Nov 08 - 09:05 PM (#2482906) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Leadfingers The guy who wrote songs for our band Wrote Limericks that never totally scanned No matter how hard he tried Though he roamed far and near He never quite found the correct Rhyme or meter OR !! There was a young man named Magee Who was stung on the neck by a bee When asked if it hurt He said "No not at all ! It can do it again if it likes " |
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02 Nov 08 - 10:03 PM (#2482937) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bill D My point has been proved...the Nantucket one was posted AGAIN in this very thread...as have the ones ABOUT meter & scansion. But thank you, one & all... |
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03 Nov 08 - 04:15 AM (#2483056) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane A good many of the ones quoted can be found in the "Pan book of Limericks" c1972. As well as this subtle one: Young girls who frequent picture palaces Set no store by psychoanalysis Though the great Mr Freud Got rather annoyed They just cling to their old-fashioned fallacies (If you don't get the pun when reading it, try saying the last word aloud) |
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03 Nov 08 - 07:36 AM (#2483138) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hunt A habit obscene and unsavoury Holds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery With maniac howls He deflowers young owls He keeps in an underground aviary Now the Bishop of Dunstan-St-Just Was consumed by a similar lust So he raped all those owls Those elegant fowls And a little green lizard what bust. |
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03 Nov 08 - 07:46 AM (#2483144) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hunt I actually wrote some I use when trying out PA systems When I need to try out the PA I have to have something to say So what do I do I just say one two Not exactly original eh? When we're trying out the sound system Our engineer needs some assistin' To try out the mic We could say what we like But one-two,one-two takes some resistin' Why do I just say one two, one two, one two (fading echo effect!) When anything else would do, would do, would do I know it sounds boring But please stop your snoring I'm doing it just for the crew, the crew, the crew,the crew....... |
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03 Nov 08 - 10:56 AM (#2483326) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Fifer Our Plumbers new bathroom creation immediately caused a sensation! In the wink of an eye, it would unzip your fly, and simulate master-bi-ation |
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03 Nov 08 - 11:02 AM (#2483332) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: theleveller There was a young fellow named Tucker Who, instructing a novice cocksucker, Said, "Don't blow out your lips Like an elephant's hips; The boys like it best when you pucker. From the depths of the crypt at St Giles Came a scream that resounded for miles. Said the vicar, "Good gracious! Has Father Ignatius Forgotten the Bishop has piles? |
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03 Nov 08 - 12:11 PM (#2483396) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: theleveller A well-endowed fellow called Stark Swan nude in the sea for a lark Till some mischievous pollocks Devoured his bollocks And his dick was consumed by a shark |
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03 Nov 08 - 12:48 PM (#2483425) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: bubblyrat Here's one I wrote earlier : A young Belfast sailor named Sid, Tried to bugger himself with a fid :- He smeared it with lard, And sat down on it hard, But it split him in half ( so it did). |
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03 Nov 08 - 01:25 PM (#2483460) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: alanabit Young Hamlet thought uncle a traitor For having it off with his mater To revenge Dad or not That's the gist of the plot And he did - nine soliloquies later. (Not one of my own, I regret. I can't recall the name of the author). |
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04 Nov 08 - 03:22 AM (#2484122) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: theleveller There was a young lady called Claire Had incredibly dense pubic hair Her boyfriend, called Jim, Never did find her quim And said it felt just like fucking a bear. There once was a lady called Drever Had a most incredible beaver This remarkable twat Had teeth like a rat, Cut down trees and built dams on the reever A striptease artist from Bude Would dance with a snake in the nude It would slip down her front Put its head up her c**t And she'd say,"Oooh, that really feels gude". |
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04 Nov 08 - 04:17 AM (#2484153) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane TO:GUEST,an artist shafted by bulmer Hi, there are several message threads here on the subject, to which I have made a very small contribution, suggestions only. It is better to post to the thread where you found the relevant message. But in reply, I don't think anyone has yet made any progress in either obtaining royalties or recovering the rights to their recordings. It seems that you will need very deep pockets if you want to take legal action, even though there MAY be a case. Sorry for the bad news. |
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04 Nov 08 - 04:20 AM (#2484157) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane TO:GUEST,an artist shafted by bulmer If you wish to continue a discussion, perhaps you should consider becoming a member (it's free and confidential) and can then communicate by private message (PM) if necessary to the various members who are following this topic. |
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04 Nov 08 - 04:24 AM (#2484162) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: pavane (One for the folks at Blackmore) There was a young lady from Ongar Who had it away with a conga When asked how it felt She said that it smelt But was just like a man, only longa |
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04 Nov 08 - 11:33 AM (#2484525) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Leadfingers All I can say is :- God's plan made a hopeful beginning But man went and spoiled it by sinning We trust that the story Will end in God's Glory But at present the other side's winning |
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04 Nov 08 - 11:57 AM (#2484565) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,A non There once was a young man from Brighton Who said to his gal "You've a tight un" She said " 'pon my soul You've got the wrong hole There's plenty of room in the right un" |
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04 Nov 08 - 01:44 PM (#2484694) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bob Hitchcock There once was a man fron Dajeeling, Who rode on the bus to Ealing, A sign on the door Said "Don't piss on the floor" So he stood up and pissed on the Ceiling. old one I fear. |
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04 Nov 08 - 08:30 PM (#2485054) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Aliter: There was once a young fellow of Brighton, Who thought he'd at last found a tight one. Said he, "Ah, my love, It fits like a glove", But she said, "You're not in the right one." * A lovely young lady of Chichester Made even the saints in their niches stir, And one morning at matins Her breasts 'neath their satins Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. |
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05 Nov 08 - 06:03 AM (#2485415) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: bubblyrat My granny's favourite ; (sorry if it's on here already---I can't be arsed to check) There once was a woman called Hilda, Who went for a walk with a builder : She said that she would, And he could,and he should, So he did---and it bloody near killed her. |
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05 Nov 08 - 10:00 PM (#2486188) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F "For the tenth time, dear Daphnis," said Chloe, "You have told me my bosom is 'snowy'". You have wasted much verse on Each part of my person. Now do something. That's a good boy!" (Said to be most women's favorite limerick) |
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14 May 09 - 07:33 PM (#2632074) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Larry The 5th This one is an original. May be a new thread, too... Said a horny young mechanic named Jack, To a Customer making a living on her back, "To get your transmission in gear, I'll trade a head job, My Dear, Or you wheels will never leave the rack !" |
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14 May 09 - 09:28 PM (#2632153) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F By chance, there was recently a limerick request on Live Journal, and I posted the following: You can smoke a symbolic cigar, You can ride in a long, sexy car, But a phallic church steeple, To sensible people, Is stretching the thing rather far. |
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19 Oct 09 - 01:45 AM (#2747723) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,FART00 THERE ONCE WAS A MAN NAMED McGROOTER WHO SPIED A YOUNG NUDE AND HE WOOED HER THE NUDE THOUGHT IT CRUDE TO BE WOOED IN THE NUDE BUT McGROOTER WAS SHREWDER AND SCREWED HER. THERE WAS AND OLD MINER NAMED DAVE WHO FOUND A DEAD WHORE IN A CAVE SHE HAD ONE TIT SHE SMELLED LIKE SHIT BUT JUST THINK OF THE MONEY HE SAVED. THERE WAS A YOUNG MAN FROM WALES WHO SUCKED THE SNOT FROM SNAILS AND WHEN HE'D RUN OUT OF THESE HE'D EAT THE CHEESE HE DUG FROM HIS SHORTS WITH HIS NAILS. THERE WAS A YOUND LADY FROM FRANCE WHO TOOK A TRAIN BY CHANCE THE ENGINEER FUCKED HER AND SO'D THE CONDUCTOR AND THE BRAKEE SHOT OFF IN HIS PANTS. THERE WAS AN OLD WHORE FROM McPEET WHO'S CUNT WAS STILL SUPRISINGLY SWEET THE YOUNG MEN WOULD JACK OFF AT THE SIGHT OF HER COIFFE AND SHOOT LOADS OF CUM AT HER FEET. RANDY WAS A SHORT LITTLE MIDGET WHOSE DICK WAS AS SMALL AS HIS FIRST DIDGET WHEN FACED WITH A LARGE CUNT THIS INGENIOUS CUNNING YOUNG RUNT WOULD STICK IN HIS HEAD AND START TO FIDGET. THIS ONE IS DEDICATED TO MY LITTLE FRIEND RANDY BRADFORD....TOM |
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19 Oct 09 - 03:01 AM (#2747736) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: eddie1 There was a young couple from Aberystwyth Who united the things that they kissed with But when they got older, they also got bolder And united the things that they pissed with. A constable from Clapham Junction Had a penis that just wouldn't function For the rest of his life, he excited his wife With dexterous use of his truncheon. Eddie |
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19 Oct 09 - 05:47 PM (#2748261) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Hollowfox My father always said that there were three kinds of limericks: 1) The kind you can tell to ladies 2) The kind you can tell to clergy 3) Limericks |
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19 Oct 09 - 08:00 PM (#2748386) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F There was once a young lady named Sue, Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw, But one leads to the other, And now she's a mother -- Let that be a lesson to you! |
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20 Oct 09 - 09:51 AM (#2748670) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Smedley (Possibly here already, haven't read every last offering) There was a young scholar at King's Whose mind dwelled on heavenly things His dearest desire Was a boy in the choir With an arse like a jelly on springs [jelly as in jello, for our American readers] |
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20 Oct 09 - 10:27 AM (#2748687) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh A certain actuary called Paul - He had a mathematical ball. The square root of its weight Was his penis times eight Plus one third of four fifths of fuck all. |
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20 Oct 09 - 02:14 PM (#2748845) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST Four from Norman Douglas, as quoted by Stephen Fry in The Ode Less Travelled: There was an old fellow of Brest, Who sucked off his wife with great zest, Despite her great yowls, He sucked out her bowels, And spat them all over her chest. There was a young man of Nantucket, Whose prick was so long he could suck it, He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, 'If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it.' There was an old man or Corfu, Who fed upon cunt juice and spew, When he couldn't get this, He fed upon piss, And a bloody good substitute too! There was an old man of Brienz, The length of whose cock was immense, With one swerve he could plug, A boy's bottom Zug, And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Koblenz. |
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20 Oct 09 - 03:13 PM (#2748891) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Songbob There once was a man name of Arden, Who got a blow-job in a garden. He said, "My dear Flo, Where does that stuff go?" And she said, [Gulp!] "Beg pardon?" There once were two maidens from Birmingham, And this is the scandal concerning 'em: They lifted the frock, And sucked on the cock Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. If I can recall any more, I'll post 'em. Bob |
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20 Oct 09 - 06:28 PM (#2749018) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Songbob: That last one continues: Now, that bishop was nobody's fool. He'd been to divinity school. So he hauled down his breeches And screwed those two witches With his holy episcopal tool. Now, one of those girls was named Sue, And Sue said, when the Bishop got through, "The vicar was quicker And slicker and thicker And two inches longer than you." |
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20 Oct 09 - 07:39 PM (#2749047) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Hollowfox Two from my father: There was a young woman named Wylde Who kept herself quite undefiled By thinking of Jesus Contageous diseases And the bother of having a child. There was a young woman from Thrace Whose corset was quite hard to lace Her mother said, "Nelly There's more in your belly Than ever went in through your face." And one from the after-hours singaround at the 8th Step Coffeehouse, all those years ago: There was a young fellow named Dice Who remarked, They say bigamy's nice. Even two is a bore - I prefer three or four, For the plural of spouse it is spice." |
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21 Oct 09 - 06:21 AM (#2749284) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Young Buchan There was a young man of Nepal Who didn't like women at all So he buggered a yak An old man in a mac And the nephew of General De Gaulle |
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26 Oct 09 - 08:29 PM (#2753317) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,shadow there once was a man from nantucket who dreamt he was fucking a bucket so he humped and he humped then something went thump he woke to find that he did suck it. |
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27 Oct 09 - 04:20 PM (#2753854) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F There once was a girl from Peru, Who had nothing whatever to do, So she sat on the stairs And counted **** hairs -- Nine thousand, eight hundred, and two. |
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02 Jan 10 - 02:37 PM (#2801704) Subject: Perkins, a Lad From: GUEST,Clare, guest Does anyone know the source of this one? There was a young lad named Perkins Addicted to jerkin his gherkin His mother said Perkins Quit jerkin your gherkin Your gherkin's for firkin not jerkin |
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02 Jan 10 - 02:58 PM (#2801717) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: catspaw49 Bawdy Limericks are surely not art There is nothing to set them apart You can't be a Bard 'Cause it ain't too damn hard To rhyme tits, cocksucker, and fart. Spaw |
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02 Jan 10 - 03:44 PM (#2801765) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: MGM·Lion Can I post a non-bawdy one, please, that happens to be my favourite limerick? It was composed by a very brilliant pupil I had who was founder/secretary of the school Astronomical Society for their magazine, which natch he also edited, in my long-ago [retired 25 yrs since] teaching days. Apollo to Mission Control: We are almost in reach of our goal — But this reading of G Seems excessive to me And I think we are near a black |
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03 Jan 10 - 10:28 AM (#2802123) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hanson Explorers out in Peru, Sent home for two punts and a canoe, The answer next day, Said, girls on the way, But what the hell's a PANOE ? Dave H |
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12 Jan 10 - 08:38 AM (#2809911) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Johnny B There is a young lady called Bex A fine example of the opposite sex She's tall slim and curvy She makes men turn pervy And wow what a great pair of pex! |
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12 Jan 10 - 09:41 AM (#2809959) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: bubblyrat Like "MtheGM ", I often find non-bawdy ones to be both clever and funny,viz; The Chief Stewardess of a Boeing, When asked "Which way are we going ?" Said "Our navigator is joining us later ; 'til then,we have no way of knowing ". But to return to the essence of the thread-- A young Upper-yardman from Wales, was an expert at pissing in gales; he could piss in a jar, from the Topgallant spar, without even wetting the sails. |
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12 Jan 10 - 10:59 AM (#2810038) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh A certain young lady named Dodd Thought that babies all came from God. It wasn't the Almighty Who lifted her nightie But Roger the lodger - the sod ! |
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19 Jan 10 - 09:26 PM (#2816418) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,ARCE There once was a hermit named Dave who kept a dead whore in his cave. Tho, gross, he admits cause she smells just like shit. But think of the money he'll save. |
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19 Jan 10 - 09:31 PM (#2816420) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,ARCE The was a young man from Racine who invented a jackoff machine. On the 23rd stroke the damn thing, it broke and beat his poor rod to a creme. |
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20 Jan 10 - 12:46 AM (#2816502) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: dick greenhaus Oh well, I might as well join in... On the breast of a harlot named Gail Was tattooed the price of her tail. And on her behind For the use of the blind Was the same information in Braille There once was a harlot named Rhoda Who dwelt in a spacious pagoda And festooned the walls Of the halls with the balls And the tools of the fools who bestrode her. The once was a lass named Bathsheba Who slept with a German amoeba Who would writhe on her belly In a petulant jelly And soulfully murmur, "Ich Liebe" |
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10 Mar 10 - 04:00 PM (#2861308) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Perry H A horny New York girl named Alice, Used a dynamite stick for a phallis, They found her vagina in South Carolina, And part of her hymen in Dallas. |
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10 Mar 10 - 05:35 PM (#2861382) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: bseed(charleskratz) My back aches, my penis is sore: I really can't fuck any more. I'm covered with sweat And you haven't come yet And my God, it's a quarter to four! |
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10 Mar 10 - 05:52 PM (#2861400) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F Said Einstein, "I have an equation That some may think quite Rabelaisian: Let V be virginity, Approaching infinity, And P be a constant persuasion. "Let P over V be inverted. Let P into V be inserted. It seems clear to me That the outcome will be A relative," Einstein asserted. |
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10 Mar 10 - 10:55 PM (#2861547) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Neil D Here's a few. |
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11 Mar 10 - 09:24 AM (#2861803) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: dombonito There was a young harlot named Jenny, Whose regular fee was a penny. For half of that sum You could fondle her bum, a source of amusement for many. There was a young sailor named Bates, Who was very proficient on skates. But a fall on his cutlass Rendered him nutless Now he's practically useless on dates. |
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11 Mar 10 - 08:46 PM (#2862258) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F I once had a handsome dalmatian, A canine of high social station. He was found in a ditch With -- I won't say a *****, But -- a person of no reputation. |
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12 Mar 10 - 01:54 AM (#2862345) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Allen in Oz A mathematician named Hall Had a hexahedronical ball And the cube of its weight Times his penis plus eight Is his phone number...give him a call ! There was a young girl from Darjeeling Who danced with plenty of feeling Not a sound could be heard Not a voice , not a word But the fly buttons hitting the ceiling. AD |
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12 Mar 10 - 07:41 PM (#2863039) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F There was once a young belle of old Natchez Whose garments were always in patchez. When comment arose On the state of her clothes, She drawled "Where Ah itchez, Ah scratchez". -- Ogden Nash To succeed in the brothels of Smyrna, One must always begin as a learner. Indentured at six As a greaser of pricks, One may rise to be fitter and turner. |
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12 Mar 10 - 08:12 PM (#2863056) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: bseed(charleskratz) There was a young man from Kilkankie Who gathered his sperm in a hankie Which he placed on a seat Female organ to meet He's now known as Spiritus Sankie |
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13 Mar 10 - 06:30 PM (#2863600) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F There once was a monk in Siberia, Whose morals were rather inferior. He did with a nun What he shouldn't have done, And now she's a mother -- superior. |
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13 Mar 10 - 07:36 PM (#2863615) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Sandy Mc Lean I think that I have already posted this on another thread but my favourite is: There was a young lady from Thrace Who's corset grew too tight to lace Says her mother to Nellie There's more in your belly Than ever went in through your face |
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21 Mar 10 - 11:26 AM (#2868598) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,angrycow there once was a man from madras whose balls were made out of brass in stormy weather they clanged together and sparks came out of his arse ~cheers |
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21 Mar 10 - 09:26 PM (#2868977) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Greg B There once was a girl from Darjeeling Who pasted her tits to the ceiling With a terrible sound She crashed to the ground But now I hear they are healing |
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21 Mar 10 - 09:27 PM (#2868979) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Greg B There once was a couple named Kelly What were forced to lie belly to belly Because in their haste They got library paste Instead of petroleum jelly |
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22 Mar 10 - 01:51 AM (#2869054) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hanson There was a young man called Jack Bosham, Who took out his balls for to wash 'em, His mother said Jack ! If you don't put 'em back, I'll tread on the buggers and squash 'em. Dave H |
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22 Mar 10 - 10:27 AM (#2869244) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bryn Pugh A certain young lady called Alice Used to think of her c*nt as a chalice. One night, in the nude She awoke, feeling lewd And there in her chalice - a phallus. |
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22 Mar 10 - 04:23 PM (#2869487) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F There was once a young lady named Alice, Who frightfully misused a chalice, But it is my belief It was done for relief, And not from sectarian malice. |
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22 Mar 10 - 08:19 PM (#2869638) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Midchuck The young British mage, Harry Potter Though brilliant, was sort of a rotter And especially fond Of using his wand To impregnate some muggle's poor daughter. Peter |
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16 Apr 10 - 07:00 PM (#2888244) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,GODFATHER A DAGO NAMED TONY BALDINI WAS HUNG WITH THE TINIEST WEENIE HIS DICK WAS SO SMALL IT WAS SCARCE THERE AT ALL BUT HIS 13 INCH TONGUE WAS A MEANIE |
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17 Apr 10 - 02:04 AM (#2888402) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hanson A bobby from Nottingham Junction, Whose organ had long ceased to function. Decieved his good wife, For the rest of her life, With the aid of his constable's truncheon. Dave H |
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17 Apr 10 - 06:32 PM (#2888794) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F To his girl said the sharp-eyed detective: "Can it be that my eyesight's defective? Has your west tit the least bit The best of your east tit, Or is it a fault of perspective?" |
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18 Apr 10 - 04:47 AM (#2889035) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hanson While Titian was mixing rose madder, His model reclined on a ladder, The position to Titian, Suggested coition, So he jumped on the ladder and 'ad her. Dave H |
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18 Apr 10 - 09:03 PM (#2889456) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F A young lady who lived in Connecticut Once flagged down a train with her petticoat, Which her husband opined Showed presence of mind, But deplorable absence of etiquette. |
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19 Apr 10 - 03:24 AM (#2889575) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hanson There was a young student called Johns, Who wanted to bugger the swans, But the loyal hall porter, Said ' sir take my daughter ' The swans is reserved for the Dons. Dave H |
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19 Apr 10 - 08:15 PM (#2890257) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F There once was a Bey of Algiers Who said to his harem, "My dears, Though you may think it odd o' me, I'm giving up sodomy. Tonight's for you ladies!" (_Loud cheers._) |
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20 Apr 10 - 03:02 AM (#2890428) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hanson There once was a young girl called Jeannie, Whose dad was a terrible meanie, He fashioned a latch, And a hatch for her snatch, She could only be had by Houdini. Dave H |
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20 May 10 - 01:34 PM (#2910684) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Luke Twisted morals, who he?! He's a model Christian, you see, Sunday's for praying, With a Whore He's never laying, He just occasionally drinks his own wee. Luke |
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26 Jun 10 - 06:09 PM (#2935276) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST There was an old man of Nantucket Who kept horse manure in a bucket On the roof of his shed, And when it fell on his head, It is said he exclaimed "Oh dearie me!" There was a young lad of Devizes Whose balls were of two different sizes. The ball that was small was of no use at all But the big one won quite a few prizes. |
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26 Jun 10 - 06:42 PM (#2935298) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Mike A There was a young lady of Ealing Whose lover before her was kneeling. She said "Dearest Jim, take your hand off my quim - I much prefer fucking to feeling." |
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05 Dec 10 - 12:26 PM (#3046916) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,Anil Srivastava There was this sweet, innocent, young Croat, God blessed her with a tight and juicy twat; Which her boyfriend tried to enter, But failed, though he bent her, He now prefers diddling the cat. |
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05 Dec 10 - 04:59 PM (#3047072) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: SRD Thanks to Blossom for: There was a young man from Coombe-Martin, Who had an immaculate partin', He said that the knack, Was to stand back to back, With an elephant just as it's close enough to be effective but not too close for comfort ... |
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06 Dec 10 - 04:16 AM (#3047256) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hanson There was a young student of Johns, Who determined to bugger the swans, But the loyal hall porter, Said, Sir take my daughter, The swans is reserved for the Dons. Dave H |
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06 Dec 10 - 04:53 AM (#3047271) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: MGM·Lion Dave: Cambridge colleges, like [St] John's, have 'porters', who are based in the gate-lodge and regularly patrol the college grounds. They are not 'hall porters', who belong in hotels. That line would better read "Along came the porter", I think. ~M~ |
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06 Dec 10 - 07:15 AM (#3047333) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hanson It's straight from W S Baring-Gould's ' The Lure Of The Limerick ' so it's his fault. Dave H |
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06 Dec 10 - 07:52 AM (#3047354) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: MGM·Lion Really, now, Dave? And Baring-Gould a Cambridge man at that! Well, well: just shows you can never trust anybody! |
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06 Dec 10 - 05:13 PM (#3047710) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F What's more, I visited St John's, as a tourist, ca. 1959, and saw no sign of any swans. |
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06 Dec 10 - 05:36 PM (#3047728) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: MGM·Lion Well then, you were unlucky, Joe. It is a river college, and swans are frequent there beneath its two bridges. I still live near Cambridge and am frequently around there. ~Michael~ |
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07 Dec 10 - 03:08 AM (#3047935) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Dave Hanson Maybe the Dons have buggered them all. Dave H |
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07 Dec 10 - 07:52 AM (#3048029) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: kendall Ok, I've resisted long enough A mathematician named Hall had a hexihydronical ball; The cube of its weight, plus his pecker, times eight Was four fifths of five eights of fuck all. |
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07 Dec 10 - 11:00 PM (#3048520) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,dan the man There once was a lady from Starkey She had an affair with a darky The results of her sins where quadruplets not twins one light on dark and two kacky. |
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28 Jan 11 - 05:26 PM (#3084320) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST,EnkiduP There was a youn girl from St. Kitts, Who told her boy friend "Don't tickle my tits, You can tickle my crutch, I like thate very much, but elsewhere just gives me the shits!" |
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28 Jan 11 - 08:33 PM (#3084396) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Joe_F There was once a young fellow named Rand Who sat seeing the sights in the sand. "My problem," said he, Is as hard as can be, But I think I can take it in hand." |
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02 May 11 - 05:10 PM (#3146694) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: GUEST There once was a man named Muldoon Whose farts could be heard on the moon when you'd least expect'em they'd roll out his rectum like a southeasterly typhoon. |
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03 May 11 - 02:30 PM (#3147200) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: josepp Learned this one in nuclear power school: There once was nukey named Slim Who took his rod out for a shim But his fluorescent sperm Made ladies squirm So no nooky for the nukey named Slim |
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03 May 11 - 05:03 PM (#3147288) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks From: Bentley Now that Osama is dead Obama let it go his head Whilst addressing the nation He gave a quotation But it was the menu he read. |
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21 Aug 11 - 08:25 PM (#3210606) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: GUEST,Thomas Xavier O'Toole A carpenter named Paddy Ridge Buggered natives right under the bridge They hollered "Oh Paddy, For sure you're my Daddy!" And later wound up in his fridge. |
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21 Aug 11 - 08:47 PM (#3210612) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: Midchuck A gay Irish priest in New Delhi Had the Lord's Prayer tattooed on his belly. By the time that a Brahmin Got down to the "Amen," He'd blown both salvation and Kelly. |
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21 Aug 11 - 10:03 PM (#3210633) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: dick greenhaus And one of the few non-bawdy (but good)ones A vaporish lady from Harrison Once pined for the love of a Saracen But she had to confine her Intent to a Shriner Who suffered, I fear, by comparison |
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22 Aug 11 - 12:07 AM (#3210678) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: MGM·Lion On the breasts of a barmaid from Sale Were tattooed the prices of ale And on her behind For the use of the blind Was the same information in braille |
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22 Aug 11 - 08:36 PM (#3211171) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: Joe_F Dick G.: The Harrison one is by Ogden Nash. He also wrote There once was a belle of old Natchez, Whose garments were always in patches. When comment arose On the state of her clothes, She drawled, "Where Ah itches, Ah scratches." |
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23 Aug 11 - 09:22 AM (#3211376) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: BanjoRay There was a young lady called Alice Who shat in the Vatican palace It wasn't the need That promped the deed But sheer bloody Protestant malice and by a friend of mine: There was a young lady from Bude Who went for a swim in a lake A man in a punt Stuck his pole in her ear And said you can't swim here it's private |
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25 Jun 12 - 08:47 AM (#3367721) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: GUEST,Chris The wife of a sprinter named Rinde suggested an act much maligned: I'll back up to your dong and you'll see before long that you've managed to come from behind! |
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23 Oct 12 - 07:17 AM (#3424668) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: GUEST,Leonard A horny old trout, name of Blue, Went to his girl friend to woo . . . She egged in the silt, He squirted his milt, Then asked, was it good for you, too ? ? |
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23 Oct 12 - 07:21 AM (#3424673) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: GUEST,Leonard At the Tabard, said Harry, one day, In a friendly and jocular way, We're in no hurry to reach Canterbury, So let's have some tales on the way . . . The halls of your balls Have some very strange walls, As Sertoli found out, None too soon, So if one should ask, The distance is vas, When you go from 'tocyte To 'tozoon . . . |
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23 Oct 12 - 03:59 PM (#3424992) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: Joe_F A young lady who lived near the Bosporus Was seduced by a red-eyed rhinoceros. Said she, with a shriek, "His horn is unique And leaves mere men merely preposterous." |
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05 Jan 13 - 09:04 AM (#3461665) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: GUEST There was an old poet from Crewe Whose limericks stopped at line two. (and that's all folks... Chrs Muriel) |
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05 Jan 13 - 04:25 PM (#3461864) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: Allen in Oz A mathematician named Hall Had a hexahedronical ball And the cube of its weight Times his penis plus eight Is his phone number..give him a call ! There was a young girl from Darjeeling Who danced with plenty of feeling Not a voice, not a word Not a sound could be heard But the fly buttons hitting the ceiling A Pansy who lived in Khartoum took a Lesbian up to his room And they argued a lot About who would do what And just with what , and to whom AD |
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05 Jan 13 - 06:11 PM (#3461909) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: Gda Music There was a young man from The Clyde Who fell down a toilet and died And he had a brother who fell down an other And now they`re interered side by side GJ |
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09 May 13 - 04:10 PM (#3513516) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: GUEST,Jebas There was once a man named Dave That kept a dead whore in a cave She lasted a week Then she started to reek But look at the money he saved |
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09 May 13 - 10:25 PM (#3513620) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: Joe_F There was once a young lady of Harrison, Who longed for the love of a Saracen, But she had to confine her Intent to a Shriner, Who suffers, I fear, by comparison. |
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10 May 23 - 10:21 AM (#4171931) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: GUEST,Limerick Laureat The dirty old bishop of Birmingham Used to bugger young boys while confirming 'em. As they knelt at the rail He'd out with his flail And pump his episcopal sperm in'em. |
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10 May 23 - 01:11 PM (#4171945) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: Georgiansilver There was a young man from Hunts, Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham. Watching the stunts, of the c.... in the punts and the tricks of the p..... that were f...ing'em. |
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10 May 23 - 06:06 PM (#4171973) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: Joe_F Now everyone likes a butch guy. That's a fact that we cannot deny, But between butch and bitch Is such a small switch -- Just the difference between U and I! |
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10 May 23 - 07:49 PM (#4171980) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: Steve Shaw There was a young lady from Exeter So fit that the boys craned their necks at 'er And one was so brave As to take out and wave The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er |
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10 May 23 - 07:54 PM (#4171981) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: Steve Shaw There was a young lady called Dinah With a music box in her vagina All the boys they had larks To the sweet sound of Bach's Toccata and fugue in D minor A lovely young girl in Australia Painted her arse with a dahlia The colours were fine As was the design The aroma, alas, was a failure |
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12 May 23 - 01:27 AM (#4172024) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: GUEST,Jon Bartlett My three favourites: I sat next to the Duchess at tea And she said, "Do you fart when you pee?" I replied, with some wit, "Do you belch when you shit?" And thought it was one up to me. There was a young lawyer named Rex Who had a small organ of sex. When arraigned for exposure, He said, with composure, "De minimus non curat lex." (The law does not concern itself with small things) There was a young man from Cape Horn Who wished that he'd never been born And he wouldn't have been, If his father had seen That the end of the rubber was torn. |
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12 May 23 - 03:13 AM (#4172028) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: GUEST,RJM very good, Jon |
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12 May 23 - 12:02 PM (#4172059) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: Bill D Refer to part 2 for my I admit to being a genuine "purist snob" about limericks, which means being appalled by poorly remembered classics and bad meter in many others..not that my narrow views will make any difference. |
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13 May 23 - 02:57 AM (#4172108) Subject: RE: Bawdy Limericks [1] From: GUEST,Dave Hanson There was a young goucho called Bruno, Who said shagging is one thing I do know, A woman is fine, A sheep is devine, But a Llama is numero uno. Dave H |