Subject: CLETUS-HELP! Spaw in Eddie stupor!
From:
katlaughing
Date: 22 Aug 99 - 09:29 PM
Cletus, dear Cletus.....You asked for my help and advice, then I didn't hear back from you. You told me C'spaw was in an altered state, in shock over the apparent reality of Fast Eddie. I know it must've been hard. Now, just in case you don't remember what you wrote or my reply, I repeat them here. Then, I beg of you, as much as you can in your *limited capacity* please let us know of Spaw's condition, today. Is he still blowing the possum and talking to faeries? The Crack Tipling Possum Team and I await your reply. Yours faithfully, Kat
CLETUS WROTE: Hey there Katlaffin -- Catspaw doan seem to be a doin nun too well an me an Paw are right worried boutim. He even leff the puter on the net thing right here at Mudcat an jes ambled off. See howz it wuz wuz that after a real long day of kleenin cars and the camper an sech he tole us to git the hell out, but Karen wuz bein mighty nice to us which aint happint since that time when we wuz playin sink the cheerios in the downstairs bath......Paw,Buford,the Reg boys an me wuz jes tryin to help out on potty trainin lil Tris, but I doan think she liked it nun. Anyways she givvus sum cheescake stuff an summa Catspaw's Ale-8-One an thanked usns fer helpin out sum today. Bout that time Catspaw come outa the puter room alookin real pale and peekid like.
We all followed him out a figgerin that mebbe he's a havin some more problems like last May, but heez been active an real healthy actin like an that aint it. He tuk that clay possum and that seaweed he got from the Reg boys' half brother, yall know, that Fielding feller...an went out an set hissef down in front uv some plants in the dried out backyard. Furs, ol Buford aks him what wuz a goin on but since Catspaw wuz purty well pissed off at him anyways, after he an the Reg boys whittled up some whimmiediddles outta some piece a wood in Catspaw's shop. He sed it wuz some fancy ass kinda rosewood and real spensiv, kokobolo ur sumpin like that. We dint know you cud git wood from roses, but Catspaw bilds right purty dulseemors and I gess he knows whut heez talkin bout. Anyhowz he tole em all ta go piss up a slack rope an they were a layin out in his front yard a tryin, but the sheriff jes now druv up an I reckon heez a takin em off. Catspaw's gonna be madder than chicken with the shits when he finds out about it. But Paw an me are real worried bout what it is Catspaw's a doin out back and so I thought mebbe y'all might have some idee on it.
See cuz then when me an Paw aks him, he sez he's havin communion with ferrys ur sumpin. All we know fer shure like is that heez a settin there mumblin bout figs ur sumpin an blowin up that possums ass an rattlin that seaweed thing. Paw sez ta say that mebbe he's takin communion with fairies. We jes doan unnerstan a damn thing he's a doin and Karen calt the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed bout gittin him fixed up. We uz hopin yall might help out Katlaffin sins yall are buddies an all, an this all started after he red yur message.
Paw's gonna keep an eyeball on him whilst I see if Karen'll lemme use the shower sinz I bin itchin bad roun my privates.
CLETUS
KAT ANSWERED:
It is a good thing you wrote to me for advice. C'spaw has entered an alternative realm of possibility which means the chances of him ever coming back into this dimension are limitless. I don't think it will do any good for Karen to contact the NYCFTTS, as they are not equipped to handle such contact with persons afflicted by figmentosus faerius. This is serious. It is important that none of you startle Spaw while he is in this state, nor while he is in any other state, including A-hia. The best thing you can do is walk away, very softly, without turning your back to him. Don't scratch, either, because just that little annoyance may set him off.
Tell Karen, the poor woman, she should set out his favourite dish on the hearth, tonight, along with his favourite ale or other drink. Surround that with photographs of his favourite people and places, esp. that one of Cleigh O'Possum in his international diplomatic role...you know, the one where he so graciously allowed that foreigner, Fielding, to blow up his derriere. Hopefully when he focuses his eyes on these familiar sites, he will warp left, spiral up, and touch down in this dimension.
It is obvious he has suffered from a total shift in reality. What he thought existed does not, for him, and what he believed to be a figment has been made manifest. As his was such a doubting nature coupled with hostility, it could be that he is faking this whole episode of figmentosus dementia for fear that he will be offered a plate of black feathers and various other avian delights. If this proves to be the case.....scratch away, call in the boyz, let them at the rosewood, Holly-wood, and any other wood he has, tell Karen to take away the goodies. When he's had enough isolation, he'll come round and you'll see, he'll be his old self in no time.
Now, on the other hand, if he really is suffering from an afflication of communicado faerio, you will need to send me a prepaid, round trip airline ticket, as well as one to various other members of our Crack Tipling Possum Intervention Team. It will be necessary for us to perform not only an exorcism of all spirits ale, but also to confiscate the religious icon he seems to have become so orally fixated on. It could get ugly, his head may do a 180 on his body. Best that Karen take the little boyz and go back to Kentuck for the duration. We will see what we can do. Send the Big Boyz to lay in a good supply of provisions, install heavy duty locks on all the windows and doors, and prepare to guard against interruptions while we plunge the depths of the Psyche That Was Spaw. You will also have to send a ticket to Fast Eddie, as Spaw will have to be confronted with the reality of his existence, surreal or not, alternative dimension or not.
Until we can determine the best course of action, I remain your only alternative to real life,
katlaughingallinyourhead, PhD Faerius Figmentosus
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