100 practical uses for Spaw...

Subject: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 12:36 AM

Okay, I think it's time we put our heads together and found a practical use for Spaw...

Here's my contribution...

*** STOPPING BUFFALO STAMPEDES ***

The scene: The overlanders cringed in terror on the open prairie, as the ground shook under their feet, and an awesome rumble filled the air. 30,000 panicky buffalo spooked by Little Hawk and the other braves were stampeding straight towards them, and there was no place to run...no place to hide. All appeared lost, when suddenly a voice cried out "Make way, there!" and a manly (well, sort of...) figure strode forward fearlessly toward the oncoming horde of wild bovines. It was Spaw.

Without a word he dropped his pants and turned his rear end toward the Buffalo herd. Several of the women shrieked, and swooned, while strong men were seen to blanch and turn away. Spaw paid them no mind. The huge Buffalo bulls leading the charge were only 20 feet away when a ripping "BRLLLLAAAAAAAFFFT!!!" sound rang out, rising above the very thunder of the stampede itself.

The effect was instantaneous. The leading ranks of Buffalo snorted in dismay, and tried desperately to stop in their tracks, nearly turning themselves inside out in their frantic efforts to reverse their course. For a moment there was utter confusion as thousands of other Buffalo pressed in from behind, trampling the leaders. Then the vile and incredible odor struck the herd with full force. It was an amazing sight. 30,000 Buffalo turned as one and fled northward, away from Spaw, who had as usual consumed a large breakfast of fried eggs, hot peppers and beans that very morning.

Spaw unconcernedly pulled up his pants and secured his belt. "Damn good thing the wind was blowing from the South," he remarked.

"Amen to that, brother Spaw," declared Brigham Young, mopping his brow.

Little Hawk, Touch The Clouds and the others watched from the safety of a nearby plateau. The last few Buffalo were vanishing toward the northerm escarpment. Dead birds which had fallen from the sky littered the ground. A coyote staggered about drunkenly, a look of unbelieving horror on its face.

"These damned White-eyes are a filthy and depraved lot," remarked Touch The Clouds. "They fight dirty."

"Yes," said Little Hawk. "But with any luck their bad diet will kill them eventually. I say we let them pass."

"I believe one of them just did," remarked Fast Weasel, sardonically.

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 12:38 AM

Now folks, I think you know what to do. We need 100 practical uses for Spaw, and I have confidence that you Mudcatters can rise to the occasion.

Mbo - I bet you can come up with 15 or 20 good uses for Spaw all by yourself...

Go to it, people!!!

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 12:38 AM

Don't pick on Spaw. He picks on Meebo for all of us and lets us focus on other things :)

Rich

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 12:41 AM

Are you kidding??? Spaw loves being picked on! Trust me on this...

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Gary T
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 01:14 AM

In the final quality test at the end of the heavy-duty crane plant, Spaw (one of his members, actually) could provide the definitive test for the cranes' power and durability, while also making sure they didn't painfully pinch scrotal tissue. This would be an invaluable service for males with large organs (or large imaginations), and if something went horribly wrong, no one--well, no one important, anyway--would be hurt.

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Amergin
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 01:22 AM

I heard the US government is studying his powers of flatulence as a less toxic alternative to nuclear warfare.....it seems his gas is powerful enough to level cities three times the size of Tokyo.....and better yet, no one has ever died from smelling farts.....sick yes, but died no....so there would be no Spaw poisoning going on for decades afterwards.....

Amergin

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: BlueJay
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 01:54 AM

Spaw could begin a new career at Yellowstone Park. Don't want to disappoint the tourists. If "Old Faithful" should fail to erupt....

Or as a border guard. I believe he could control the entire Rio Grande valley by himself. At the Canadian border, he could ask: "brrrripppp, whoosh, bip, bip, ftpppp...ppp, do you really want to come into this country"?

Really, I'd prefer to see Spaw as Secretary of Culture, or something. Vast improvement over whoever's watching things now. BlueJay

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: BlueJay
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 02:10 AM

Oh, don't forget. Spaw is already well proven in the medical community.
1. Inravenous Fluid Pole Support
2. Urinary Catheter Bag Stand
3. Nurse Recruiter
4. Bedpan Stabilizer
5. Needle receptical
6. Enema Evaluator

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: CarolC
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 02:51 AM

I vote for Little Hawk to be appointed official Mudcat Bedtime Storyteller.

Spaw can be official Mudcat after bedtime storyteller.

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Bugsy
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 03:15 AM

If he were living closer he would be good for the following.

1. someone to get smashed with.
2. someone to get stoned with.
3. someone to chew the fat with.
4. someone to trade jokes with.
5. someone to trade insults with.
6. someone to jam with.
7. someone to rally with against people who start stupid threads like "100 practical uses for Spaw..."


yeah, off the top of my head, I think that's about it.

Cheers

Bugsy

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Skipjack K8
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 05:29 AM

There was once a line delivered by Danny DeVito to the hapless Christopher Lloyd character in the TV show Taxi:

"Parents? You have parents............ ? Bang goes my Spaw theory"

Surreal!

Skipjack

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 07:23 AM

Catspaw is a crap removal specialist. He is great at lifting your spirits when you are feeling down or taking life too seriously. I bet he gives great hugs too. Big ones that make you feel loved.

Little Neo

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Noreen
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 09:08 AM

Well, Little Hawk, click here for a user's manual,

here to read about how Spaw is regarded by Greenpeace :0)

here for Spaw- the movie (with pictures);

here, here and last but not least here.
100 uses could be too few!

Noreen

whohasobviouslywaytoomuchtimeonherhandsatthemoment

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 09:22 AM

What a great thread..............I mean I''ve been looking for any practical use for me for years, and gawd knows Karen has. I'd be all for Bugsy's if we were just something less than on opposite sides of the world. Some of you have given me some food for thought.....which in my case tends to give me gas, but I'll take your ideas with some Gas-X and see what develops.

Thank you Hawk and all of you for your ideas! And Noreen.......You DO have WAY TOO MUCH time on your hands!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: katlaughing
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 10:29 AM

I agree with you, Bugsy; and, you, too, Lil Neo.

luvyaSpaw...kat

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Allan C.
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 10:47 AM

Who says there is even 1?

Somewhere among my collection of valuable items I have a grotesque ceramic statue of a South American Indian. It serves no purpose at all that I can find. But for some reason I would never be able to explain, I love it.

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: GUEST,Sailor Dan at work
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 11:01 AM

FLASH NEWS --- FLASH NEWS ---- FLASH NEWS

THE UNITED STATES COAST GUARD WANTS SPAW.

The USCG is having a meeting to tender an offer to Mudcats Spaw to maintain control of the Cuban Rafters in the Florida Straits.

It is now contemplating the amount of "ammunition" to feed to Spaw so that he can maintain a steady pressure on the Cuban rafters to keep them home with Castro. It will also allow the Coast Guard to move 27 cutters and other assets to other places they would be required.

Another use for the Spaw

Sailor DAn

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 11:10 AM

dunno if it's a pratical use, but 'spaw sometimes appreciates and understands ME!...a rare and dubious achievement....(maybe it's the shared awareness of KNOWING to what heights and riches a degree in Philosophy can raise one!)

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 11:10 AM

I think I've seen those statues. In Canada they have little statues of priests that serve the same purpose, if I get your drift. They are also grotesque. We don't have any of Indians, however, because it would probably raise a political furor at this point. People are a bit touchy about stuff like that these days...

Noreen - Incredible! I had no idea that Spaw was such a big wheel in the ecological community. As for the movie pictures....man, talk about UGGGGLLY!!!! Does he turn into that during full moon or something?

Anyway, this is all shaping up nicely...but WHERE'S MBO???

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Amergin
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 11:36 AM

i think the coasties have been talking with Spaw's agent to get him to blow the stern of the New Carrissa off of the Oregon coast....

Amergin

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Ebbie
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 11:41 AM

He could be turned into a book that can be tucked under one's arm. At odd (And I do mean 'odd') moments, he could be opened and flipped through for a laugh of the day or for a heart-warming, inspirational affirmation of his eloquent humanity. Of course, sometimes you have to hurriedly flip past a number of pages- but those may be what you need at odd moments of your own.

Ebbie

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: GUEST,CLETUS
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 11:43 AM

I figger thet me an Paw an Buford an the Reg boyz owe a lot to Catspaw. Ile tell ya the truth, thair ar sum dayz thet without him we wuddent have no life attall.

CLETUS

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Melani
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 12:46 PM

The most practical use I can think of stems from the fact that I started laughing when I saw the name of this thread, before I even opened it!

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: hesperis
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 12:58 PM

1. subject for limericks 2. general hilarity and merriment 3. He could be the God of a credulous fertility cult

...

Hmmm, I must think on't.

Where's Mbo?!!!!!

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: CarolC
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 01:15 PM

(Artificial wildlife!)

See, Amos...I told you the world wouldn't be the same without lawn flamingos! Even Spaw agrees with me now.

Carol

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 01:30 PM

Only trouble with lawn flamingos is that you have to hire garden gnomes to herd them.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 01:33 PM

There is great need for someone like Spaw to act as a translator in the Gore/Bush (Bore/Gush ?) Debates.Example...

Gore- My opponent's budget proposal is unfair,in that he gives 45% of the refund to the wealthiest 1% of the taxpayer.Our proposal will benefit the Middle Class,those on whose backs the present economy has been built.

Spaw translation- This half-wit dweeb couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the directions on the heel.The smurf-faced little shitass is nothing more than a tool of all the people who won't donate to my campaign.I'd like to kick his ass up between his shoulder-blades,frankly.

Bush- There he goes with the fuzzy numbers again.That kind of numbers-juggling only appeals to the elitists in our society: none of the rest of us can make heads or tails of it.He doesn't talk about Medicare- he talks about Medi-scare.

Spaw translation- OK,I flunked math,partially because my teacher was a pinko anti-establishment Berkley-style radical with a grudge against Dad.But this smart-ass stiff is not gonna get my goat.The smart guys all tell me that he's wrong,and I agree.Look at him,he's got more make-up on than Mom wears.He's obviously gay.I wonder if it would be okay to say that?

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 01:41 PM

Ya' know Leej, I've said it before and you've proven it once again.......You do me better than I do me sometimes.

For those of you who weren't around, I once did a thread explaining something with the ideas, amnner, and style of 15 or 20 other 'Catters. Later on in the thread, Leej did me doing the same thing and a lot of folks (Jeri for one) would NOT believe it wasn't me posting under Leej's name!!! That was before the Guest tag thing.

Spaw

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Morticia
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 02:24 PM

I have lots of uses for 'Spaw......come on over darling and I'll demonstrate a few *BG*

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 03:18 PM

Morticia, that sounds kind of promiscuous, I think you better ask Karen first.

Little Neo

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Bert
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 03:22 PM

Actually I did hear that he was pretty good at making left handed courting dulcimers.

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Robby
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 03:23 PM

Having read his posting about making out during the 50s, perhaps a career as a romance novelist might be the answer.

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: SINSULL
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 03:26 PM

I am with Morticia on this. Gigolo is definitely his calling. Or dirty, old man. Whichever he prefers. we'll let Little Neo babysit Cletus while we...

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 03:41 PM

Lawn flameengos??? J'ou wan' lawn flameeegos, we got 'em! Peeenk ones! Blue ones! Leetle ones weet' shoes on! Leetle peenk zigg-heiling lawn flameengos all line' up een t'ousands, on j'our lawn! We gonna get j'ou all the lawn flameengos j'ou can handle, hombre!

j'ou just call Pepe at 1-800-HOT-BIRD...

An' tell 'em Spaw send j'ou for beeg deescount!!!

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Mrs.Duck
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 04:26 PM

I have a hole in the garage roof needs plugging!!

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 06:08 PM

He'd be more likely to blast a hole in a roof than plug it...

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Morticia
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 06:09 PM

Bonnie, I cannot imagine what you are implying, I merely meant that I have shelves that need putting up and so forth.....I'm shocked *BG*!

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: mousethief
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 06:10 PM

One needn't be a great inventor
To think of a use for our mentor
If he's as big as it's said
On the limericks thread
He can be a handrail at the Senior Center!

A. Nonny Mouse

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 06:20 PM

Morticia, I still think it is wise to ask Karen if you can borrow her husband and his electric drill. You should see some of the bits for that thing.

Bonnie

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 06:35 PM

SHELVING??? Hellfire, I can't even get the damn bathroom remodeling finished. Karen is always after more shelving. Generally we need more to store all the assorted crappola which we never use that's all nicely organized inn the Rubbermaid containers (which she can never get enough of either). I think there's a female gene marked Rubbermaid somewhere but those dorks who just finished the genetic mapping didn't have the guts to label it properly.

Spaw

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: hesperis
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 06:46 PM

Possibly not Rubbermaid, but definitely some gene that influences us females to bring home the dreaded stuff, then influences us to buy containers to put the dreaded stuff in...

Or maybe it's an alien conspiracy to get the human females to hatch out little (plastic container) aliens.................... That's IT!!!!!
It must be an alien conspiracy.

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Jim the Bart
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 06:53 PM

He can always help me fill out the woodwind section of this here orchestry; we always have need for an extra hoboe or buffoon. And come to think of it "wood" and "wind" are two things that come up in his conversation from time to time (so to speak).

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: katlaughing
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 07:06 PM

Oh, Spaw, you're confused, darlin'....I don't think Karen would dream of shopping at one of those seedy places where they actually sell Rubber Maids, complete with mouths that says, "OH!", in such a doll-like way.

And, I think the genes got reversed in our house; I hate plastic containers, they should come with the lids attached with biker chains and titanium locks. It's Rog who gleefully fills our cupboards with the plastiquecrappe!

I am so glad you explained your tape removal system. I never would have known about the devious ways of my cats without that wonderful instruction manual!

kat

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 07:16 PM

I think Rich suggested it should be on this thread kat. Perhaps there IS some use for me after all!!! Spaw's 10 Step Plan for Organizing Cassette Tapes may be the thing that makes me famous and rich!!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: DougR
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 07:20 PM

I've been thinking about this thread all day, and just haven't come up with any good ideas ...unless ...a door stop? :>)

DougR

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: MK
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 07:30 PM

Well given the current crisis once again with OPEC, the price of gasoline and oil, within SPAW is a phenomenally efficient and powerful propulsion system, with no impact on the Ozone layer or lasting environmental effects.

This propulsion system could allow NASA to attain warp speed for missions beyond our galaxy, launch the space shuttle, provide enough thrust for a skateboard owner to travel at 60 mph (zero to 60 in a second and a half), motorcycles, mopeds, automobiles, ships, submarines, etc. and eliminate all reliance on nuclear power.
All we need is a powerful enough lobby group with the same diet as 'Spaw, to take on the big 3 automakers for starters, and everything else will cave into submission.

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: kimmers
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 10:02 PM

Spaw is hilariously, deeply, unimaginably funny, and therefore needs no other justification for his existence. Sort of like a pink lawn flamingo, come to think of it. Or a puffer fish.

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 10:36 PM

Little Hawk, I withdraw my earlier protestation. This thread's been great so far.
Little Neo, Get your mind out of the gutter ;-)
Where is MBO?

Spaw, I doubt the tape organizing thing will make you rich but it's a good start. If you begin it with admitting your tapes are a mess and end with passing on your experience to others, you can call it a 12-step program and go international with it!
Oh and you got me to shorten my name and thats gotta count for something.

Rich(stupidbodhránplayerwhodoesn'tknowanybetter)

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 11:07 PM

Rich, I think you may have it there. Now if you'll check back on the other thread on cassettes, you'll see I'm planning a brochure, rental cats....the WORKS!!!!

Meebo, I am overjoyed to say, is out in the 3-D world having a great time and spreading those huge wings which can take him some fantastic places. On another thread, he said he spent a wonderful weekend with 19 other folks his age and was so surprised that they LIKED him AND his music!!!

Matt, if you show up here, NOBODY is happier than I am and I hope this is just the right beginning to send you out and about for the world to see what a fine guy you can be. Give people a chance and they'll see the good things we see here. Go for it my young friend. The real world is in for a treat....as are you.

Spaw

Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 10 Oct 00 - 11:34 PM

Rich, let me get this straight. I am supposed to take my mind out of the gutter and leave the rest of my body there? I don't know, if I do that I might be in worse off shape.

LN