Subject: RE: 100 practical uses for Spaw...
From:
Metchosin
Date: 12 Oct 00 - 01:18 AM
Well besides stopping a herd of buffalo, how about the Mudcat's entrant in an official Farting Contest. I'm sure with his fine musical ability, he's mastered most of the following
1) Body Language - bending over and spreading your cheeks is NOT considered "artistic interpretation". A "slight bend of the knee and squeezing off a quick one", however, is.
2) Tonal Quality - a higher pitched fart might be heard by a large number of dogs in the area but low frequency farts are, in general, considered easier for judges to detect and are more aesthetically pleasing. The lowest frequencies of farts get higher marks and if you're able of "shake the earth" or "blow out a few TV sets in the area", you'll probably win the competition on spectator applause alone.
3) Timbre (not to be confused with timber) - this quality of the fart registers more clearly with judges on calm days when winds are below 5 mph. The timbre of a fart, or it's tonality, should not be confused with tonal quality (see #2) as the timbre of a fart has more to do with over-tones and resonant frequencies (sub-harmonics). This "blending of tones" is what gives farts their nearly fluid quality.
4) Sustain - obviously, the longer a competitor can sustain a fart, the more time the judges have to judge it. A few judges seem to prefer the sharp staccato and attack of a quick, high pitched fart while others prefer the low frequencies of the long, drawn out, bone rattling farts produced by ingesting large quantities of beer and pickled eggs. Again, some observation of judges reactions are in order. A quick look over one's shoulder generally allows the competitor to judge the judge's reactions and make adjustments accordingly.
5) Tremolo - the effect of adding tremolo to farts is always pleasing to both judges and spectators. A large number of "oooo"s and "aaahhhhh"s are usually heard from crowds when the tremolo effect is added to a fart. Extra points (for technique) are often awarded by judges as well. This is considered a "high degree of difficulty fart".
6) Reverberation - reverb effects that are added to farts carry the highest degree of difficulty and should not, under any circumstances, be attempted by any competitor in any category other than Masters Class Farters. Since this effect carries such a high degree of difficulty, a "botched reverb fart" usually leaves judges scratching their heads and trying to figure out just what the hell that noise was, and often points are deducted. Since crowds, on the other hand, are not as well versed in the rules of judging, a misplaced reverberated fart here and there might be drowned out by the applause. Again ... as in rule #5 ... check for judges reactions.
7) Attack - a fart that sounds like it's just ripped a hole in your shorts will, more often than not, win high marks. However, timing is critical. During low wind conditions and soft, melodic musical passages, the sharp, staccato sound of a "super fart" is NOT received well by judges. A more drawn out, almost soft, melodic delivery is, in this case, warranted. For heavy metal and polka music, the sharper the better. If the competitor can actually make a stain in his or her trousers, this added treat is usually awarded extra points. It does not carry a high degree of difficulty though and should be used sparingly. There's a fine line between "artistic interpretation" and crapping in one's pants.
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