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O, SAVE US FROM FAUX PAGANS (Or, Observations at a Renaissance Faire)
(Zoe Alexander)
(Tune: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)

O, save us from faux pagans,
And all the motley crew --
That hang about at festivals
Concerts and bus stops too --
They dress up all in furs and chains,
With tattoos showing through --
And knives, whips and axes hanging down,
Dragging the ground --
And knives, whips and axes hanging down.

O, save us from faux pagans,
And all their groupies, who
Hang out with trolls and dragons,
And all the faery zoo --
Except the guys in leather,
With bare cheeks showing through --
And cod-pieces larger than their heads,
Larger than heads --
And cod-pieces larger than heads.

O, save us from faux pagans,
Their chain mail shiny new --
Stretched over hips and bosoms,
With nipples showing through --
And loincloths cut way up to here --
O'er dimples, and veins blue --
And full moons where none have shone before.
Never before --
And full moons where none have shown before!

O, save us from faux pagans
Who paint their faces blue,
And speak in Scottish dialect
Like Braveheart never knew --
Except the guys who wear beneath
Their wee kilts here's to you --
Nothing but what auld nature did adorn,
When they were born --
Nothing buut what auld nature did adorn!

O, save us from faux pagans,
Their bodies pierced through --
With rings and studs and diamonds
Through nose and eyebrows, too --
And bumpy things stuck through their tongues,
(And other places ew-w-w!)
The likes of which you don't want to know,
Trust me I know!
There's some things you just don't want to know!

O, save us from faux pagans,
With athames brand new --
And crystal balls and tarot cards
Hung out where all can view,
And shouting incantations
Known only to a few --
And daggers and pentagrams all round,
Daggers abound --
And daggers and pentagrams all round.

O, save us from faux pagans
Except for me and you --
For ours is all in finest taste,
In all we wear and do --
And never would we be mistaken
For that other crew --
Well, now, maybe I'm not so sure about you --
Just look at you!
No, I'm really not that sure about you.

O, all you real pagans
(I'm talking to you --)
Take care when you go walk-about
Whatever you do --
For when the interstellar taste police
Go sweeping through --
They're taking them to the cosmic zoo,
(Dragons too --)
Gonna lock them all up in the cosmic zoo.

Copyright Zoe Alexander 1996
@parody @pagan
filename[ FALSPAGN

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