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THE BALLAD OF TONYA HARDING
(Gale Hathaway)

Born out in Oregon, "God's Country"
Raised in rural Clackamas County
She's had more daddies than either you or me
Been skating on the ice since she was only three
Tonya, Tonya Harding, Queen of the Skating Thugs!

All the skating princesses, dressed in pink
Tonya would skate by and snarl, "You stink!"
I'll beat your butt, that's what I think
Or better yet, my bodyguard will find you off the rink."
Tonya, Tonya Harding, Queen of the Skating Thugs!

She met Jeff Gillooly as a winsome teen
And said "I kinda like him, 'cause he's dumb and mean
They had the wildest fights you've ever seen
But he knew that he'd be king if Tonya became queen.
Tonya, Tonya Harding, Queen of the Skating Thugs!

So they searched Clackamas County for a few men
(Cumulative IQ nearly reaching ten!)
Jeff said "I wanna be rich, but when oh when?"
Clearly, the stumbling block was Nancy Kerrigan.
Tonya, Tonya Harding, Queen of the Skating Thugs!

Tonya would be skating at the top of the heap
If they could just do away with Nancy, in her sleep
Or maybe on TV so the world could see her weep
Bruise her quadriceps so she couldn't spin and leap!
Tonya, Tonya Harding, Queen of the Skating Thugs!

The bodyguard and hitmen admitted "We were wrong
Put us away, but please not for too long."
And Tonya said, "Take Jeff - he was in it all along
I'II skate alone before my small pinhead throng.
Tonya, Tonya Harding, Queen of the Skating Thugs!

Well, some think that Tonya's rather brash
And some watch her skate and hope to see her crash
Some think that skating in the Olympics would be rash
But the handwriting experts say "You shoulda burned your trash!"
Tonya, Tonya Harding, Queen of the Skating Thugs!

No, the thing you must understand is, out in Oregon
Our brains are kinda soggy cause we never see the sun,
So Packwood and Harding seem like "good clean fun"
She's our Tonya, Tonya Harding, Queen of the Skating Thugs!

(to the tune of The Ballad of Davy Crockett)
copyright 1994 Gale Hathaway
@parody @sport
filename[ TONYAHRD
RG



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