If my new toy goes "zip" when it moves, "bop" when it stops, and "whirr" when it stands still, I will return it to Toys-R-Us for a refund.

If I have the urge to store my bottled beer on the wall, I will install a guard rail around the shelf to avoid falling bottles.

If I am employed stacking bananas and the boss-man insists I work past dawn, I will report him to the state labor board and organize a boycott of the company.

If I am named John Joseph Jingleheimer Smith, I will change it before an epidemic ensues.

If the green grass starts growing all around all around, I will move.

I will not sail Lake Superior when the gales of November come early.

When a Creole girl at Lake Ponchartrain leads me on then tells me she plans to be faithful to her far-off boyfriend, I will steal her mother's silver, pawn it, and buy a train ticket back home.

If I discover that I'm living next door to a little Dutch butcher, I will make sure to keep all of my pets indoors at all times.

If I am a little Dutch butcher, and my wife is prone to sleepwalking, I will not operate crank-driven machinery at night.