I had thought that the entire civilized world was already well aware of the indignities I have suffered recently, but apparently not. Very well, Amos, I shall repeat my story for your benefit:

(first posted on 26th September, 2003 on September Punch the Horse thread)

Hello, mates. I'm a big fan of Punch the Horse, having seen the band perform on several occasions. I have always been fascinated by the name of the band, and wondered what inspired it. Last night, whilst ruminating on these matters at the pub, I decided around 1 AM to take decisive action and find out for myself what was the significance of the words "Punch the Horse".

Later that night on my way home I spotted an individual of the equine persuasion (a horse, that is) lounging about in a suspicious manner in the common. I determined that I would set him right (it was a stallion, quite obviously) by giving him a smart punch on the nose. However, on approaching said stallion, and he was a big one, I noted the evil look in his eye and became wary. I also noted that he was tethered securely to a bicycle rack. Very good. Instead of punching the horse from in front where the treacherous creature might bite me, I would approach from behind, where the beast would not be so well appraised of my intentions.

In due course I had maneuvered nonchalantly to the rear of the horse, not without I think arousing some suspicion though, because he nickered at least twice and kept glancing at me nervously over his shoulder.

Still, so far so good. Now it doesn't make much sense to actually punch a horse from behind, because they are so tall, so I decided to kick the nasty blighter instead. Taking a deep breath I let him have one good solid kick to the goolies!

I regret to say that things went somewhat awry at that point. I did indeed land the kick, but the horse, although quite discomfited, had the presence of mind to kick me back, not just with one foot, but with both hind feet! It was a horrific double impact which I should not wish to ever experience again, and it propelled me a good fifteen feet, landing me upsidedown in a waste disposal container which was full of nasty, smelly trash, and sharp objects. I sustained severe and possibly permanent damage to my own personal nether parts, if you follow me, a sprained knee, a wrenched Achilles tendon, and a lacerated left nostril, as well as an acute shortage of breath for some time afterward.

Not only that. The horse turned out to be a police horse, and the constable, who had been making a phone call, arrested me as soon as he had extricated me from the aforementioned waste disposal container.

I am now charged with assaulting a police horse, resisting arrest, and disturbing the peace.

I intend to sue them for all they've got and take it all the way to Buckingham Palace if I must, until justice is done!

Arthur "Gimpy" Starling