One should really be discrete about these matters, but one feels that loyalty should work both ways. After many years of serving HRH faithfully, one was sent to the vet last week. One assumed that it was just the usual trip to have ones claws clipped and blunted, but to ones surprise one was subjected to a humiliating and painful surgical procedure and one is now not the dog one used to be.

One is therefore considering possible disclosures to the press of some very intimate details of ones relationships with the Royal Family. Any offers should include a new home (preferably in ones native Wales) with a diet including an unlimited supply of T-bone steaks, and a complete set of Lassie videos.