Well, if it's shaggy dog stories you want.....

One cold winters day in England, an old derelict was mooching along a quiet country lane when he heard a scream from behind the hedgerow. Some curiosity stirred within him and he peered over the hedge to see a frozen pond with a hole in it and a child struggling to clamber out. Old instincts resurfaced and he dashed to the rescue, somehow negotiating the treacherous ice and lifting the girl (for it was indeed a young girl) to safety.

As he carried her to the bank, a Rolls pulled up in the lane and a frantic father came rushing to see if his child was alright. On seeing that she was scared, drenched but essentially OK, he succumbed to emotion and offered the old stiff anything he wanted in reward – money, a home, clothes anything.

The derelict gathered a few shreds of dignity and quietly said he had only done what any Christian soul would have done and please do not belittle me with rewards for correct conduct. But the father persisted and eventually the rescuer confessed that there was no point in trying to resurrect his life as he would only drink it all away again. So, if the father really wanted to do something for him, he'd accept 50 quid and a lift to the next town with a pub but that was all that was necessary. So the grateful, if bemused, father gave him a fifty and drove him into town.

On being let out, the dero wandered off in search of a pub, but as he went, he saw an ad in a travel agency for cheap cruises, and he thought to himself; "how wonderful it would be to have a holiday after all these years on the road", and on impulse, he went in and said that he wanted a cruise.

Well, as you can imagine, he was not the normal customer they were used to, but his innocence touched the heart of the manager and he went searching for an almost forgotten promo deal with Cunard that offered a few cabins on a two week cruise for 50 pounds. It was not a particularly good cabin but it was available so the derelict accepted joyfully and set out for Southhampton to join the good ship Gargantua which was to be his home for two weeks.

It took him quite a while to get there, so long in fact that the two week cruise had come & gone and the Gargantua had returned to stock up for a much longer voyage. But oblivious to this, the stiff fronted up to the gangway and asked for his cabin. The Officer of the Day was appalled. His beautiful ship to be defiled by this grotty old alkie – never. But when the derelict told him the whole story as to how he had a ticket (albeit out of date) he was moved to pity and agreed to sneak him on board that night and give him a cabin way way down in steerage so that he could have his holiday.

So, that night, after all the passengers had retired to their cabins, the officer called the derelict from the shadows of the pier and took him onto the ship. Silently, they slunk through A Deck and got a lift down to ZZ Deck (for the Gargantua was indeed gargantuan) and there was this tiny little room – a bunk, a basin, a hook for clothes and one wooden chair. Primitive perhaps but to the dero it was luxury beyond his dreams. He just stood there smiling as the Officer sternly told him that on no account was he to show himself during daylight hours (in fact not before 2:00am) as there would be hell to pay if any of the rich passengers saw him. But if he was good, he would get meals delivered to his cabin and even the odd drink as well.

So the ship sailed, and the dero thought he'd died and gone to heaven. Three meals a day, a warm dry bed to sleep in and enough booze to help him forget the past. What more could he ask? So he kept the bargain and only came out between 2 and 6 each morning and spent the rest of the time sipping peacefully in his cabin.

But, one night, as he was prowling around the sports deck at 3:30, he happened on the big swimming pool and saw the diving board. He was overcome by memories of his prowess as a diver before the booze got him and took it all away. And he wondered if he could still do those triple somersaults he used to do so well. So, you've guessed it, he climbed up to the board and had a go and somehow the old skills were still there and for an hour he twisted and tucked and piked as if he had never stopped training. But as he was climbing out at the end, a voice said "And who the hell are you", and there was the Captain.

Trembling, he confessed who he was and why he was on board. The Captain, having seen this incredible performance, had tears in his eyes as he contemplated the ruin that booze had made of a man and his talent and he couldn't find it in his heart to lock him up (or crucify the Officer who had let him aboard). And a brain wave struck him – what about cleaning the old boy up and let him put on an exhibition for the passengers.

He broached the idea and the dero readily agreed but asked if he could have a couple of nights to practice first. The captain went along with this and suggested that to make it a bit more spectacular they might raise the height of the diving board a bit too.

So, three days later, the passengers assembled by the pool to see this incredible exhibition of diving skill from a 20 meter platform. The dero, resplendent in a borrowed pair of trunks, stepped out from the back of the platform and did a couple of trial bounces on the board, high above the pool. Then, with a flourish, he ran along the board, sprang high and bounced. He soared 15 meters above the board and went into a virtuoso routine of somersaults and twists to the amazement of the crowd.

But, alas, he, and the captain, and the crowd had forgotten the inexorable laws of physics. The Gargantua was steaming at some 25 knots, the pool was only 10 meters long on the axis of travel and he was in the air for sufficient time for the pool to move from under him as he did his routine.

Catastrophe….. Instead of the immaculate bubble entry that he had been practicing, he came down from a great height on the steel deck a meter and a half beyond the pool. So great was his velocity that he went straight through the metal and disappeared from view. Everyone was stunned and stood motionless until a seaman on watch yelled that he had appeared in the ships wake.

Great commotion followed as the Gargantua slowed and a boat was launched and the dero retrieved. They took him down to the Sick Bay and the doctor looked him over and somewhat disbelievingly said he was going to live. The Captain was bemused and finally said to him, "How in the hell did you survive going through 27 steel decks & the hull?".

And the old man looked at him and said:

"You must realise that I'm an old alcoholic and I've been through lots of hardships"