Sir William, a thousand pardons! My wayward brother Melton has artfully avoided his medication, and sadly also his probation officer, and absconded with an expensive electronic tag to resurface in our childhood home of Lincolnshire. It is also my sad duty to inform you that his medical credentials were in fact purchased rather than studied for, and that you should urgently seek genuine medical assistance for your friend, the good Mr Curtis.

Melton was such a happy boy, and I'm at a loss to know where he went wrong. Quite how he fell from a promising undergraduate to a loathsome pornographer is a mystery and an abiding embarrassment to the family Ross. Our poor late father was hastened to the grave by the discovery that Melton's film about the tobacco industry was in fact a rather more sinister celebration of 'snuff'. It was a relief to have him safely back in the bosom of the family, albeit at a conveniently local high security home for distressed gentlefolk.

Anyway, to focus on happier things, you seem to enjoy a jolly pastoral community here. I've had a bit of a look round, and found at least one chap championing the true path. I can understand you seeking help for Mr Curtis, as the poor chap does seem eggy, but being trained to see both sides, I can also see the rather obvious cause of his irritation. I counsel that perhaps if the brethren here were a little less excited about round numbers and a little more accepting that non-Hullensians are laughing with them, then these local threads for local people would be a little corner of heaven.

Peace be with you