I received this missive the other day. Has anyone else tried this?
Whenever I get a packet of M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the
strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold
M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply
pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and
splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately.
The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and
the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that
the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of
competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be
a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra
strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its
environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M,
the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one
as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A
Division of Mars, Inc., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this
M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a
free1/2 pound bag of M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set
aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we
will discover the true champion. There can be only one!