This is a cracker .. THe Football Referee by Matt McGinn
( see www.mattmcginn.info ), and check if mudcat has it, perhaps ?

I think this is on The Best of Matt McGinn



Chorus
Why did I ever become a football referee?
I could have been an engineer or a sailor on the sea.
Wherever there's a fault to find they always pick on me.
Why did I ever become a football referee?

I used to play at centre half when I was very young,
In speaking out for fair play I never could hold my tongue.
The men at the top were watching and they quickly spotted me.
They says, 'Now there is a decent man, we'll make him a referee.'

When first I took my whistle out I did feel very proud,
I played it like a fluter and I smiled at all the crowd,
I gave them two decisions and I heard a terrible boo,
Then fifty-thousand voices roared 'Coconuts to you'!

When Rangers played the Celtic, I was stuck out on the field,
I'd only been there a minute or two when the crowd began to squeal.
The half o' them said 'He's a Fenian fae the heart o' Ireland.'
The others said, 'He's a bluenose and he's there by the shake o' the hand.'

The game had gone on half-an-hour when two began to fight
I tried to separate them and to tell them who was right.
They bashed me and they battered me and they left me nearly lame,
The crowd a' roared out, 'Bury him! and let's get on with the game.'

They brought me out to Italy as a very honoured guest,
Between Milan and Roma, I did my level best.
But the crowd they didna fancy me -I could tell by the way they spieled.
They hired a helicopter to take me oot o' the field.