Buy any paper expect the Daily Star, read the tv guide and then you won't accidently stumble onto any sports being broadcast, you can also use this portion to avoid house design programs, amazing eh! Then you are advised to only read the front portion of the paper as the sports often are to be found in the rear portion. When buying this paper, use a large shop as you are less likely to be inconvinienced by Cheeky mothers with prams. When buying the paper, thoroughly examine all bananas also being purchased and eat them in good time, this should stop mouldy bananas being a factor in your day to day existence. As for the burnt toast, I suggest you get a new toaster and refuse all offers of toast from those with substandard toast making skills.
I hope this info is of use to you.