Well, if it's not treading on others' toes:

DEAR MATHILDA
(arr. Bedford)

Young Joe Turnicock, he got an awful shock
When into love he fell;
but he was loved as well,
How Mathilda loved his courting.
Joe puffed out his chest, went to find a nest,
A place to call his own,
And soon Mathilda had a letter from
The farmer's boy that said:

(Chorus)
Dear Mathilda, how I loves ya,
And I've found a happy home,
With a cowshed, and a pigstye,
Full of cows and pigs, and that reminds me darlin';
Hows your father? How's your mother?
I hope they're well, you know.
I send no kisses (I've been eatin' onions)
I remain yours forever, Joe.

But Joe so seldom wrote that when she got the note,
She thought that it must be
A letter from some chinee
Who wrote in French and spelt in Russian.
She tried splittin' it, even tried knittin' it,
She gave up in dismay;
She put it on the gramophone
And it began to play:

(Chorus)

She began to cry; thought she should reply,
She'd write to him that day,
But he'd forgot to say
Where the happy home he'd found was;
She was in despair. He'd think she didn't care.
It filled her heart with dread.
Then in walked Joe, her darling beau,
And this is what he said:

(Chorus)

DR