I am most 'appy to announce that me 'usband Eddie and meself is reunited after a bitter dispute over 'is bloody parrot, which is now GONE! Yes, gone. Gone forever! I finally prevailed upon Eddie to sell the bloody bird and 'e did so by listing the bastard on Ebay which is where the wretched foul-mouthed beast came from in the first place. It is my opinion that anyfink can be sold on Ebay. I wager that you could collect a dog's fresh droppings in a sack and sell 'em to some daft bugger on Ebay so long as you did up the ad clever like.
Any'ow, all that is feathers under the bridge at this point. The main point is we 'ave reconciled and the marriage is saved. And that is cause for celebration. I expect to receive congratulations from all and sundry 'ere for 'avin' turned my 'usband away from 'is folly and back to the joys of 'oly matrimony!
For the full story of the arrival of the bastard parrot and the ensuing marital collapse go to this link...
Eddie Whatnoll Stands Up!
I was 'orrified to see 'ow the place 'ad deteriorated in my absence. It was undescribable awful. There was bird droppin's and modlering old food scraps all about and rubbish knee deep in places. Eddie 'ad been survivin' on a variety of fast food which 'e 'ad delivered and an old stock of canned emergency rations from the basement wot was put away back in the early 80's when we fought that Ronald Reagan would start a 3rd World War and we was plannin' to ride out the atomic fallout aftermath when it 'appened...or after it did like...you know wot I mean.
'E ate 356 cans of pickled beets and 85 cans of peas. 'E says if 'e ever sees a beet or a pea again 'e'll kill 'imself.
The poor sod 'as lost a great deal of weight. 'E's down to barely 205 stone now! Shocking! I notice, though, that 'e gets about better than 'e used to, so it's not all bad. I intend to see that 'e regains 'is former dimensions wivvin a reasonable time now that 'e will 'ave some 'ome cooking again.
The old 'ouse in Bath 'as deteriorated to the point where I fink the only sensible fing to do is move lock, stock, and barrel to Basingstoke where I 'ave been runnin' a successful business wif me sister Gladys since early October. We 'ave a combined bake shop and 'airdressin salon called "Have Yer Cake and Eat It Too".
I knew that Eddie would see the light if put to the test, and 'e finally did. True love and marital fidelity 'ave won out over avian atrocity! By the way, 'e sold the bird to some rich toff on Ebay for a profit! Glory be! The cursed heathenish obscenity-spewing imp from hell cost me Eddie 250 quid, if you can believe it. Well, 'e sold it to a bigger fool than 'imself for 280 quid! Un-be-fecking-LEEVABLE!!!!
I fink it's going to be a Merry Christmas after all. Basingstoke 'ere we come!
- Mrs Olive Whatnoll