"A Letter of Apology"

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of
general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you
have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I
must have done something wrong at the office Christmas
Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital
today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way
of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to
everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and
dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the
things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware
that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese
whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you
buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of
my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too.
About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly
I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they
were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense,
I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade
on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and
we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the
rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure
you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest
thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little
prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd
have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat
lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped
through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been
killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the
false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would
make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot
of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to
the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie
quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on
the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes
me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night
after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes
and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room,
is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very
embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them
and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your
falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was
a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed
funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband
is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling
them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am
forgiven, I will do my darnest to come to the picnic......