Dear Rustic Rebel,

I apologize for the intrusion my brother has made into your private life. You see, among his other numerous faults, my brother is a pathological liar and borderline paranoid schizophrenic.

Yes, it is true that my brother and I were conjoined twins and, yes, his nose was attached to my posterior. But it was he who derived enjoyment from the situation, not I. I often suggested an operation to separate us but Shiney rejected my overtures until I finally had to put my foot down a few months ago and insist. His claims of mistreatment at my hands are totally groundless as it was he who continually sabatoged all my efforts toward better lives for both of us.

Furthermore, I am not a disciple of Baba Bahnahna Dakree. I was merely hired as a consultant by the ashram. Yes, it is true that the Baba's adherents do follow him around with their noses stuck in his butt-crack, but the Baba, being relatively new to the guru business, was having a hard time adjusting to being the recipient of adulation in such an odd form. When the management of the ashram learned that I had been followed around by a flatulence-sniffing parasite of a brother for some forty years, they immediately offered me a hefty sum if I would merely coach the Baba in how to graciously receive such an odd honor.

Also, my brother's comparison of his manhood to a kielbasa and my own to a Vienna sausage is outright prevarication. My organ is of perfectly normal dimensions, though I would never be so callous as to measure it and state the result. And, as my brother and I are identical twins, you can rest assured that his is the same size. Well, actually, I should say was the same size. You see, when they performed the operation to separate us, things did not go very well for Shiney's nose. In fact, he had no nose at all when the surgery was completed. And, as no nose donor was available, the doctors did the best they could with what they had at hand, so to speak.

Again, I apologize for my brother's forwardness. Perhaps I can make up for his rudenes by extending an invitation to accompany me to dinner and a performance of "La Boheme" next Friday evening. Please signal your acceptance via return post.

Thank you,

Sheney A. Knause