As we Coasties say,
This is a no Sh*tter!

One of our small boats while on patrol observed what they believed to be a barge fire. As they got closer they found it to be a man waving his flaming shirt over his head.

Incredibly, the man had been a first mate on a tug pushing a few barges. The Cap'n had pushed up on the bank, gone into town and procured some liquor and a couple of "soiled doves". The Cap'n didn't mind sharing the liquor but apparently sharing the ladies was out of the question. After a bit of struggle the Cap'n forced the first mate out on to the abandoned barge and left him there.

When the coasties caught up with the tug the master had already been relieved and there was no evidence to support charges.

And people think our job is boring!