Officer Dana and a friend were discussing you over a cup of Horton's.
Can't you see what you're doing to yourself. ..let alone her.
She tries to be polite, and you think she likes you.
There was an article on As It Happens about how you treat her.
She tried to keep it light.
But she would take a tire iron to your nuts if she thought you would remember after the swelling went down.
You are just making her job harder. She does have a gun.
It's the booze talking to you. Have you even noticed how many of your friends don't invite you to their parties anymore.
The incident with the moose head and the ice skates is not forgotten.
Did you have to do that in front of the children.
You thought it was a hoot.
Your brother tries to help, in his own way, but you slap his hand and fall on your ass again.
And stop wearing that ridiculous outfit. Or at least wash the damned thing. It smells like a muskrat in heat.
Have you given any thought to trying to live up to your god-given human potential.
Your mom hates you, too.
Kindest regards
Your American cousin