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User Name Thread Name Subject Posted
GUEST,Mrs Olive Whatnoll BS: Culinary Disasters (64* d) RE: BS: Culinary Disasters 04 Dec 05


I recall the time me and Eddie ate at the Japanese restaurant. Me Eddie 'ad not seen Japanese food before and 'e fought the green wasabi stuff was salad dressin', so 'e up and popped a spoonful of it into 'is mouth! Me Eddie loves salad dressin'. Well! You should've seen it. 'E gives a startled sorta of grunt and 'alf staggers up out of 'is chair! The chair creaks alarmin'ly as Eddie's 'ands fly up to 'is face, and 'e starts turnin' a deep shade of red right to 'is 'airline. 'Is gruntin' changes to a sort of inner groainin' and 'yperventilatin' and the tears is pourin' from
'is eyes, which is buggin' out most 'orrible.

"My Gawd! Me 'usband's 'avin' an 'eart attack!" I yells out.

Lit'tle Japanese people come runnin' from all sides, wavin' their lit'tle arms around and jabberin'.

Me Eddie gasps desperately and staggers around, knockin' over tables and chairs. 'E siezes a full pitcher of ice water and tilts 'is 'ead back and pours it full in 'is face. Poor Eddie did not realize that water makes the wasabi 'orseradish 'otter than ever! As the water 'its the wasabi in 'is mouth, Eddie utters a screamin', 'owlin' sound that freezes the blood of all the people in the restaurant. The Japanese staff shrink back before the terrible spectacle just loik in them Godzilla movies.

Eddie yells again like a madman and hurls the water jug across the bar where it crashes into a million bits amongst many bot'tles of Sake and other such 'ard liquor. Pandemonium reigns as Eddie stumbles and lurches about the restaurant in a frenzy, leavin' devastation in 'is wake. 'E 'eads for wot 'e finks is the loo, but instead it's the kitchen! At the entrance, Eddie collides wif a Japanese lad wot is bringin' out several trays of 'ot food, and the 'ole lot of it goes flyin'. It looks like a Peter Sellers scene from the Pink Panther.

Eddie, now blinded by the effects of the killer wasabi reels to 'is left and crashes bodily frough the flimsy drywall into the washrooms, panickin' several people 'oo precipitately abandon their various private ablutions and run out to the street. In the washroom Eddie purges 'isself mightily in one of the basins. I've 'eard worse sounds, but I carn't say I remember when.

Well, 'e sort of recovers 'imself after a bit, and eventually comes out of the washroom (frough the door this time) and looks around loik a man 'oo 'as emerged from a bombed-out ruin, all disheveled and 'aggard like.

"Olive," 'e says, gaspin'. "Olive, we are goin' 'ome. Now."

And so we did. Frankly, I fink they was glad to see us go. I 'aven't been back and I ain't 'eard from them either. No news is good news, I figure. I asked the neighbours to tell 'em we 'ad moved to Ireland suddenly and unexpectedly if they ever came round seekin' damages.


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