Lord help me--I hope Tom Paxton can forgive me for this one. Monday morning at Folk Alliance I was approached by a DJ and invited to compete in an impromptu Dick Cheney Songwriting Contest to be held later that day on the Martin Guitar stage. Having left my guitar back at the Radisson (the overflow hotel) because my showcase wasn't till late that night, I was unable to work on anything but lyrics. "Cheney's Got a Gun" immediately sprang to mind, but Aerosmith is not a folk group, and I soon heard that that particular parody was already circulating among Democratic Congressional staffers. What to do, what to do? Suddenly it hit me: this was definitely a "short-shelf-life-song" contest, and the master of that genre, Tom Paxton, was to be honored that night in the Ballroom. How better to further honor him than by parodying one of his songs? I had been singing "Goodman, Schwerner & Chaney" for MLK Day school programs, so............
THE LEGEND OF DEADEYE DICK CHENEY (to the tune of "Goodman, Schwerner, & Chaney")
He came outta Kansas three decades ago
With heart all aflutter and scalp all aglow
He was just a wordslinger, so how could we know
That he'd become Deadeye Dick Cheney?
A short stint in Congress and one at Defense,
Rattling sabers with warlike intent.
Who knew he would actually turn violent--
That dastardly Deadeye Dick Cheney?
He was so uncommonly bright, it is said
You could write a report by the light of his head.
But it's not just his gaze that can cut a man dead,
So don't mess with Deadeye Dick Cheney.
With angioplasty his favorite pastime,
His heart, like a Porsche, could stop on a dime.
Notorious for many more heinous crimes
Than what got him named Deadeye Dick Cheney.
One midwinter morning in twenty-ought-six
He tried something different to get him some kicks
With a gun and a lawyer, lit out for the sticks
To prove he was Deadeye Dick Cheney.
Was he quarrying quail? Was he digging for duck?
Was he trying to bag him a big three-point buck?
No, he snagged him a shyster--a huge stroke of luck
And a trophy for Deadeye Dick Cheney.
So if you go seeing him speak on Iraq
And a sensible distance between you you lack,
Better strap on your Kevlar and then turn your back....
Just don't you face Deadeye Dick Cheney.