A computer geek located somewhere in the Boston area has hacked into the weather and media satellites over North America and is using them to broadcast high frequency signals that torture dachshunds all over North America and as far south as Guatemala. Because of this many dachshunds have reported symptoms such as shortness of breath, increased salivation, itchy hind end problems, tenderness in the testicles, skin twitches, dermatitis, short temper, increased sexual frustration, and ravenous hunger pangs that keep them in an endless state of extreme stress.

The unknown hacker apparently is on some kind of sadistic vendetta against the common "weiner dog", a breed known for its cuteness and playfullness. Investigators hope to turn up evidence soon in order to end this scourge and are asking the public to assist by passing on information about anyone they know who has a grudge against dachshunds.

As one who has suffered a number of these unpleasant symptoms lately, I am sounding the alert and I encourage anyone who can help indentify this malefactor to come forward at once. Spread the word. This fiend MUST be stopped!!!