This one will bring more than tears to your eyes! Many years ago there used to be a Folk Club at a pub in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire. called the 'County Bar', I once had an argument there with one of the barmen who tried to give me £5 change for a £10 note...
...after I wrote this parody to Kenny Rogers 'Coward of the County the bastard never tried it again!!
Everyone considered him the Bastard of the County,
of all the barmen in the pub, he was the nasty one,
his mom had named him 'Billy' but the folks all called him 'Shithead',
and as he worked behind the bar he'd sing this little song!
"I promise to do all the things I shouldn't do, I'll walk right into trouble if I can!
I've got such a bloody cheek, I like to pick on them that's week,
and if everything goes off as I have planned, I'll end up with your change left in me hand!"
One day a poor old tramp came in with not a penny on him,
half dead from exhaustion well he staggered to the bar,
"Oh for Christs sake give us a packet o' crisps and a pint o' Brown & Bitter!
...I've not eaten since last Friday, and it's nearly thursday now!"
As Billy listened to the tramp his mind was ticking over,
he'd make this poor old worn out guy look like a right buffoon!
he says, "OK then Grandad well I'll do just as you ask me!
If you can drink one mouthful, from that dirty old spittoon!"
Well the tramp he looked from Billy's face to the cuspidore a-standing,
all green and slimy on the floor, it was brim full to the top!
and the tears streamed down his tired old face and the pangs of hunger stabbed him,
and Billy's voice came to him, "Go on Lad, just a drop!"
He was centre of attention, all eyes were fast upon him,
as he picked it up with trembling hands and put it to his lips!
then as he gurgled softly all the customers stared leaving,
...and a workman in the corner, brought back his fish 'n' chips!
"Look stoppit now!" says Billy, "This jokes gone far enough like!
me customers are leaving, look here, don't be such a chump!"
but the strain showed on the tramps face as these words he tried to gurgle...
"...I'M SORRY LAD, I JUST CAN'T STOP, IT'S ALL IN ONE BIG LUMP!"
Well Billy's face contorted as he dashed off to the bathroom,
he wasn't holdin' nothing back, he got rid of it all!
when he came back to the bar room well the carpet was all textured!
and the tramp had buggered off wi' t'Till, and he'd left this little note...
and it said!
"I promised to chew, everything you told me to!
I got in there and I sucked it like a man!
...now I'll cut such a dash, cos I've run off with yer cash!
things didn't quite work out as you had planned,
cos I ended up with YOUR change in my hand
...Who says Country & Western can't be fun!